The New York Times Magazine published a Chandra Prasad article (thanks, Tamasha) over the weekend on her quest to save her cousin from an arranged marriage in India. Her solution? Arrange her cousin’s marriage herself. To an Indian American, that is.
Let’s do a play-by-play of Prasad’s reasoning, shall we?
Even among my many pretty female cousins in India, bright and lovely Neet stood out. Like most of my father’s relatives, she lived in Bihar, a volatile region in the northeastern part of the country, and at 23 was sheltered in ways that I, born and bred in the U.S., had trouble comprehending. Neet never left the house alone; she had never even shopped for her own saris. But she had studied rigorously, earned a master’s degree in computer science and was working as a software-development intern. When I asked her by phone if I’d have to start calling her “Dr. Neet” soon — a nod to the possibility of a doctorate — she laughed and said, in her tentative English, “I like the sound of that!” In truth, further educational aspirations were at odds with Neet’s circumstances, and when I learned last year that her parents were considering arranged-marriage options, I felt sorry for her.
Fair enough. Sounds like Neet may risk missing out on enjoying her independence. But then Prasad writes:
A Connecticut-bred Yale grad, IÂ’m not really an advocate of arranged marriage.
Right. Because as we all know, Iowa State is just bursting at the seams with arranged-marriage advocates. Then the article just gets absurd:
But it occurred to me, and to my like-minded father, that we might be able to bring Neet into the U.S. and broaden her opportunities if we could find a suitable Indian husband for her here. With her parentsÂ’ permission, we set to work.
This is where Prasad lost me. What is it exactly that Prasad is trying to do? Is she really trying to “broaden” Neet’s opportunities? Because if that were the case, she wouldn’t try to hastily arrange her marriage, she would encourage her to apply to graduate school and continue her studies in the States.Which begs the next question: Is Prasad really that critical of arranged marriage? Or is she just opposed to the idea of Neet marrying an Indian man? Prasad writes more on her search for Neet’s groom:
Posing as my father, who would have the authority to do so, I created an online profile for Neet on an Indian matchmaking Web site — outlining everything from her hobbies to her favorite foods.…As the process went on, we began to lower our expectations. There were no movie stars among our top candidates. But we did find a few smart, progressive young men, U.S. citizens all.
Neet, as it turns out, wasn’t really into the idea:
…we couldnÂ’t understand NeetÂ’s lack of enthusiasm. At one point I asked her bluntly if she really wanted to be married to someone in America. Before I knew it, she had changed the subject to her favorite Bollywood stars. We finally had to accept that she didnÂ’t share our sense of urgency over her situation.
Maybe Neet just didn’t want her cousin to arrange her marriage. Prasad, however, seems to realize the folly of her efforts towards the end of the piece:
Recently IÂ’ve begun to feel guilty about the attempt. I hear there are several suitors in India who are interested in Neet, but sheÂ’s still in no hurry to be married, or to otherwise sort out her future. Maybe we were wrong to think that she should be, or to think that we knew what was best for her.
Good for you, Neet! Enjoy your independence! Prasad, however, still doesn’t quit:
I suppose all I really wanted was to see my cousin in more secure circumstances.
Arranging your cousin’s marriage to a man half a world away is a secure predicament?
ItÂ’s mere chance, after all, that sheÂ’s there and IÂ’m here; that she has one kind of life and I another; that opportunities I take for granted are beyond her reach. IÂ’m not saying that one situation is better than the other. But IÂ’m not denying it either.
Here Prasad suggests that an arranged marriage to an Indian American man is better than an arranged marriage with an Indian man. This may be true for Prasad, but did it ever occur to her that perhaps Neet might have little in common with an Indian American man?
And did it also occur to Prasad that maybe entering an arranged marriage with an Indian man would not necessarily mean a lifetime of unhappiness for Neet? Many of my cousins in India entered arranged marriages, and yet they continue to work as doctors, engineers, and scientists. And their husbands, for that matter, are not oafish and chauvinistic pigs. They treat their wives and daughters very well — and they seem to have happier marriages compared to some of those that I’ve observed in America. (Then again, we’re Southies, so I concede that someone whose family is from Bihar may have a different perspective.) This is not to say that I think arranged marriages are 100 percent defensible; I’m just saying that they’re not necessarily oppressive, either.
That being said, I would never presume to know what’s best for my cousins in India. I couldn’t possibly know, because I hardly know them; we grew up worlds apart. But if I had a cousin who was about to make what I thought was a horrible life decision, I would probably ask her what she wants, what her goals are, and what qualities she would like in a partner. And then we would discuss whether that life decision would be a wise one in light of those goals. Putting her profile up on Shaadi.com, however, would not be my first response. (By the way, is Prasad even aware that women have the power to put their own profiles up on that site? Not that I use it. But my cousins do.)
MoS, most probably Neet is working in a software firm right now and making her own money. If this was a case of an actual forced marriage, I’d share your outrage. But in this case, nothing seems to have happened at all, except in the author’s overactive imagination.
I’ve been to Bihar and I can say that if someone I know was getting an arranged marriage to a Bihari man, I would also have second thoughts about it.
And no, I’m not saying all Bihari men beat their wives or whatever. It’s just that the assumption would be there that she might lead a very limited lifestyle in terms of personal space and freedoms.
Annamika, we are discussing a very ugly side of ABD culture, thanks to Naina’s excellent presentation
Kush, if you really think any organization can obtain a concrete number of forced marriages in India, you are mistaken. Do you think if some researcher knocks on the door and asks, “Have you ever forced your daughters into marrying a man not of their choice?” the family is going to respond, “Oh yes, come sit down and have some chai while I tell you about how I married off Sita and Gita just last week!” Even researches support this point: “The controversial and hidden nature of forced marriage makes statistics of incidence difficult to compile.” (www.soas.ac.uk/honourcrimes/FMpaperAnNa’im.pdf)
Also, here is just on incident: http://www.bbc.co.uk/insideout/eastmidlands/series6/forced_marriages.shtml
However, in a country of more than a BILLION people, I feel confident in taking an educated guess that more than a MILLION of those people have been forced into marrying someone not of their choosing. You can go on and on about how my point is moot without concrete numbers, but that’s too easy, Kush, and you know it. That’s like saying, “Well, we don’t have an exact number on the number of undocumented aliens living in America, so we can’t say anything at all.”
I never argued that this was the case of a majority of the people. HOWEVER, it is still heartbreaking that even millions of people are being forced into marriages against their will.
Sorry that this messes with your rose-tinted view of reality, boys, but the sad reality speaks for itself.
Even Chandra Prasad did not think it was going to be a “forced marriage”.
However, she is probably aware of the same phenomena that I am;
Family talks with “boys” family about daughter.
Boy’s family agrees to meet with girls family, bringing the boy along to meet girl.
Girl serves tea to guests, and sits down while superficial questions are asked and answered between the girl, boy and both their families. Both boy and girl feel a bit shy and awkward but the best impression is given, best face put forward.
When asked later, the girl says she thought the boy and his family were “nice”.
A date is settled upon.
They marry.
Then they get to know what each other are really like and the girl gets to know what is expected of her as a “bahu”.
Was there any force?
No.
Will there be a happy ending?
Maybe. Maybe not.
Will she be expected to stay home and tend to house and take care of in-laws?
Most likely.
Sorry for two nns anamika, my typing sucks, slows me down, no matter whom I marry.
MOS, you know marrying a complete stranger here can be very very risky, and eventually extremely limiting.
Which brings up another point which Chandra probably had in her mind;
LIVING WITH IN-LAWS.
There’s more of a chance of that happening in India (especially some place like Bihar), than there is marrying even an Indian man here in USA.
Same in the Ukraine, MOS, and is this any kind of alternative? Clearly not, acc. to Neet (nice simple to pronounce name for NYTimes readers). Anamika, consider that n this country of 300 million people, half of all marriages end in divorce, which is not a pretty experience, although it is often a forced one, unless both parties want it, which isn’t often the case.
People usually say these things when their “ignorant” friends (or people at work) ask question like:
“So you had an arranged marriage..and were married off without your consent”.
or
“umm..you’re a brahmin..so how come you’re comfortable touching other people in train ….they eat meat”.
Here is the other scenario:
Girl is so desperate to get married.
Girl takes home boy. Boy tries to give a good impression. Answers superficial questions.
Boy takes home girl. Girl tries to dress conservatively. Makes sure she puts on an image the boys parents would like.
Both parents meet
Parents serves tea to guests, and sits down while superficial questions are asked and answered between the girl, boy and both their families. Both boy and girl feel awkward but the best impression is given, best face put forward.
A date is settled upon.
They marry.
Then they get to know what each other are really like and the girl gets to know what is expected of her as a “
bahu” “wife”.Was there any force?
No.
Will there be a happy ending?
Maybe. Maybe not.
Will she be expected to stay home and tend to house and take care of
in-lawschildren and husband?Most likely.
Mistress of Spices,
Thanks for visiting. 🙂 I am getting addicted to the blogosphere.
Anamika,
It is my assumption that there is a huge disparity between your good intentions and your knowledge of the ground reality. I do not think you have a ‘view from the inside’, and you are condescending to people who may not need your agitated outbursts. In my earlier response, I was referring to a kind of qualitative research methodology known as grounded theory. Yours is an etic description of an emic experience. No one knows if millions of Indians are suffering because of arranged marriage. What makes you think so? And what makes you think YOU are the savior?
However much you thump the table and shout “I guarantee you, I guarantee you” – you are sitting faraway from your objects of interest. That’s my guess. If so, your strong position is a cause of concern. You need to spend time with the millions, talk to them in a language they understand, and provide others with a thick description of the situation. Till then, it’s all hot air, signifying nothing.
And yes, now women in India have a recourse to divorce. In fact there is a new Domestic Violence Bill (heavily biased towards women) in India signed into law on 13th September, 2005.
Anyway, this is my last post on this issue. Anamika, YOU WIN.
A correction.
Will she be expected to
stay home andtend to house and take care ofin-lawschildren and husband?Most likely.
Anamika,
I am very glad that you are seeing some sense and light now. You started with this: But let’s not be too quick to defend Indian culture with theories that fly in the face of the realities of millions of Indian men and women.
SO PLEASE DO NOT DENY THE FACT THAT MILLIONS OF OTHERS HAVE NOT, ARE NOT, AND WILL NOT.
and now you say,
However, in a country of more than a BILLION people, I feel confident in taking an educated guess that more than a MILLION of those people have been forced into marrying someone not of their choosing.
You started with “millions” now you on “a million”. Good. You have already slashed in your discourse either by factors or order of magnitude. Possibly, a million guess might be close guess for forced marriage, who knows. Maybe, 100s of thousands, who knows again.
However, if you were unchecked you would have made this “forced marriage” number close to billions or large milions, online and offline in your discussion. Drum-beating numbers from imagination is irresponsible.
Do you really think I do not know that getting a number for such a thing (forced marriages) is very difficult, even through a proxy. A lot of such studies are done through proxies and getting a proxy for forced marriage is very difficult. One could randomly sample observations, like the ones are done for corruption by UN and other academics, etc. but then in this case, no.
Good night, peace, at least some hyperbole is easing up. What good does hyperbole like yours do any good in the first place? I am at loss.
PPPPS: No one denies forced marriages. The NYT article does not even hint that was on the cards for Neet. However, people who are bringing this up are being orientalist. I think author of NYT article is naive or fool or both.
I read this in the magazine too and knew that sepia would blog on it immediately. Boy was I right!! Great article Naina. The above quote piqued my curiosity the most. I myself have been firmly corrected in my impression that Indian women are pushovers when it comes to their spouses or anyone else. Au Contraire. They wear the velvet glove over the steel hand. When it comes to their life, if they could have their choice they are about as firm about who their life partner should be and in general care far more about their “family” than their spouse’s, no matter how traditional they may seem. Almost every Indian woman I have met could care less about anybody’s opinions except their immediate family (mother, father, sisters and brothers in that order). The change of subject was just a polite way of indicating that she had no interest and was playing along out of respect. This is where the clash of cultures is most evident. American born men and women would not mince words, while Indian born will stay silent out of respect. It does not mean that either sets of people are any less firm in their ultimate choices. And yes the degree of choice does vary. I generally smile an inward smile and sigh when someone of another culture asks me whether my spouse is the “traditional indian woman”. Sure I say, Sure…
…this topic is so complex. some of you know way more about the ‘situation on the ground’ than i do. that being said, i understand chandra prasad was trying to make the ‘right decision’ based on the values i inferred from her piece, she entered in a utility calculation based upon her knowledge (and she surely knows more about the details of her cousin’s life than you or i). but there seems to be an incoherency between her avowed values (and within her avowed values) and the course of action she took. i assume that she is sincere and she cares about her cousin, but, the piece gave off a whiff of the sense that her actions had as much to do with her own self-perception (i.e., as a progressive and elite american born brown) as it did with her cousin’s well being.
My cousin married into a Bihari family (maybe I should clarify it was a love marriage, also I am not Bihari, so no clan pride involved here), and the girl’s family are very nice people. Both their sons work in Delhi and the daughters-in-law work too. I am not saying that I have the last word on Bihari families. Both you and I are resorting to stereotypes here, yours happen to be bad, mine good. The reason we have to resort to stereotypes is that the author provides no information about the family. Was the father domineering? Did he believe women are not supposed to work? Is Neet married now? Why not, if it was imminent?
I mean, should I just assume her family is a pack of jerks simply because they are from Bihar?
Really? These are the big considerations for a marriage? What about love and compatibility and understanding and all that s**t?
Turnip. I must share a favorite video with you. I don’t know why I love this thing as I do, since it certainly does not prove your point, which I wholeheartedly support and endorse from my own experience.
Anyhow, is anyone thinking how Neet would have had to vacuum and do laundry etc. (i.e. be the other kind of ADCD –ayah, bearer, cook, driver — over here? And how she’d have trouble using her degree here?
again, favorite video
<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tK-AQizNJpo&mode=related&search=>
video clip from Goodness Gracious Me
last try
Wrong. I was forced into a marriage myself, and escaped. My mother didn’t. So stop picturing me as some elitist ABCD based on the way I write.
Yeah, I know what grounded theory and etic/emic experiences are. That doesn’t make my assertion incorrect or “hot air” as you say, considering the fact that many of these experiences are SILENCED for fear of retribution. You cannot gather credible data on this topic b/c the men and women forced into these marriages often won’t speak out of fear of stigma, retribution, threats of violence, etc. However, we can only make educated guesses based on trends and societal attitudes. Considering that India is a country steeped in the tradition of arranged marriage, we can safely assume that a few MILLIONS out of more than a BILLION people are in unfortunate circumstances due to arranged marriages. Don’t you understand that the data source is compromised? And I never said that I am the savior or the solution, but obviously you want to posit me as some sort of elitist b/c I dare to go against your rose-tinted views of arranged marriage.
And…your guess is wrong.
Let me guess – you’re in grad school? I’ve encountered so many people like you, who claim that any trend “signifies nothing” unless it is verified by a pre-defined data set. Why do you fail to understand that it is NEARLY impossible to gather this sort of empirical evidence? You can’t just go and talk to millions of people who have been forced into unhappy marriages – given the context of Indian shaming rituals and stigma associated with any contestation to the marital institution, no one would be able to do this according to your criteria.
But it’s easy to sit there and discount an educated guess – a very conservative guess – by saying, “You’re wrong, you haven’t spoken with the millions.” No one has spoken to the millions of North Koreans who have suffered at the hands of Kim Il Sung and Kim Jong Il, because the leaders won’t allow access. Yet based on the consistent representations of a few refugees and a limited amount of emipirical evidence, we are able to make an EDUCATED assumption that the majority of North Koreans have been denied basic human rights at one point or another. The same can be said for the countless number of Indian men and women who have been subjected to unhappy, forced unions.
Before you blow your horn, YES, I know that N. Korea and Indian arranged marriages are not the same thing. But whereas the N. Koreans are silenced by their leaders, millions of Indian men and women are silenced by the deeply-ingrained shaming practices exercised upon those who do not conform to the ideal. And believe me, I’m not comparing apples and oranges – you’d be hard pressed to find the requisite number of Indian men and women to talk openly about how unhappy they are based on your limited criteria.
Right. I’m sure millions of unhappy wives will run to the court to get divorced now, so that they can be disowned by their families and shamed for the rest of their lives. This bill definitely helps, but you can’t always solve a cultural problem with legislation.
Listen, it’s easy to throw out methodology and claim moot any assertion that isn’t supported by the limited criteria of your methods. It’s easy to discount my conservative claims. But have you ever wondered WHY those studies that Kush Tandon so desperately needs to verify my claims don’t exist? Maybe b/c they are nearly impossible to get? Grounded theory would have surely been implemented by now if the data sources were amenable to investigation. Maybe you should try – or will you quit after the fifth door shuts in your face?
It looks like Chandra Prasad is of mixed heritage: http://www.sawnet.org/books/authors.php?Prasad+Chandra – that could answer for some of her misconceptions.
Wow. I read through all of the comments and was surprised to see people so personally involved in the discussion.
First off: great article; enjoyed reading it but not the subject matter so much.
On the subject of arranged marriages: Every single person in my family (including a few married in the recent years) have had an arranged marriage, including my parents. As far as I know, they are all content. It was “arranged” in the sense that the elders put the word out that they are looking for a bride or groom, opportunities followed and meetings were set up. Even for a family as rigid as mine (and I come from a family of southie priests) there has never been a forced marriage.
As Anamika pointed out (rather forcefully), there are instances–a minority, but a minor occurrence is still an occurrence–of forced marriages. I have heard stories from my parents about people they know. But since this article focused on the subject of arranged marriages and not necessarily forced marriages, I don’t see its relation to the subject at hand. I don’t mean that it should be swept under the rug and not be discussed, but merely hope that it is not done in connection with this article. (Speaking of which, I agree with the majority–the article was extremely patronizing and annoying to read.)
Kush, you once again pick on minute points to make a floppy argument appear sound. You said:
I meant at least a million. I’m sure that are millions more. Why does this bother you so much?
Uh no, I would have never claimed that a billion desis are in unhappy arranged marriages. Seems like you are the one who enjoys hyperbole.
Honestly, why does the truth hurt you so much? You remind me of guys who deny every single figure out there about the number of women who get raped each year. The fact is, women get raped. The fact is, a whole shitloads of Indian men and women are in crappy marriages. I know, I know, you want numbers, but you also know that that is impossible. That doesn’t make my point moot. Truth hurts, I know.
Looks like someone is finally knocking some sense into YOU. It is extremely difficult to study this phenomenon and gather enough credible empirical evidence to make a claim. THAT DOESN’T MEAN WE CAN’T VENTURE TO MAKE EDUCATED GUESSES. And I’m being conservative. So, thanks for supporting my point.
It brings to light issues which bullheaded people like you refuse to acknowledge. Sorry you are “at loss.”
Considering that the world is steeped in the tradition of not having an arranged marriage, what about the millions of people in the world who did not get an arranged marriage but still are in mentally and physically challenging relationships, But still try to stay in the relationships so their kids can have a normal life. Who is going to save these millions.
Which brings up another point which Chandra probably had in her mind; LIVING WITH IN-LAWS. There’s more of a chance of that happening in India (especially some place like Bihar), than there is marrying even an Indian man here in USA.
Really? These are the big considerations for a marriage? What about love and compatibility and understanding and all that s**t?
Sakshi –
Love, compatibility and understanding are HUGE considerations for you and me.
For females in India whether or not they will be living with their in-laws (most do), and what those in-laws expect of them and what kind of relationship she will have with them are HUGE considerations as well.
For those of us who have or will have a more distant relationship with in-laws, well, it’t just not a HUGE consideration, more like a minor one a few times a year.
So, Chandra may have been thinking that her cousin would have more of a chance NOT having to make it a HUGE consideration by moving to USA and marrying someone here.
Why does this bother you so much?
Your senseless arm-waving. PS: This is my last comment. You win.
ouch. I dont think mixed heritage has anything to do with it old man. but her heritage could explain little to minimal understanding of indians outside of ‘save the hindoo’ lore. instead of spitting peanut shells at chandra’s vacuous noggin from the gallery pliss do direct the bad vibes to her hater pater.
Beyonce, with the song IRREPLACABLE.
Seriously, in a culture that emphasizes individuality and independence, those people have to save themselves.
And there’s tons of support for them here to do that.
I am not even sure how one defines a forced marriage.
Is every arranged marriage a forced marriage by definition (considering the parents dominate the affairs and have the final say in who marries who)? If emotional blackmail is used to convince the girl/boy to marry, does an arranged marriage become a forced marriage? What if the girl/boy is married off at say, 20-22 years of age, when she has no clear concept of what a marriage entails? What if the boy/girl is not against the marriage, but just unsure?
Or a forced marriage is only one that involves an overt use of force?
Seriously, in a culture that emphasizes family, those people in forced marriages can be saved by their families. And definitely there are tons of support from their extended families to do that. So stop the arm waving.
bengali, My kids are half Bengali and half Swedish, but they would never do this to a Bengali cousin, or to a Bihari cousin for that matter. Of course, they don’t consider being mixed as being their defining condition, which is a concept that an Italian-Swedish-English mother might be more likely to put forth than me, I guess. Still, what kind of woos is her father?
But sometimes those very families who are supposed to be a system of support and protection, end up providing no shelter. I’ve seen it.
And you also get cases where the wife does not want to worry her parents, especially if they are of ill health or have some other issues, so she remains silent. I’ve seen that too.
Then there’s the case where the family approached the abusive husband several times and begged him to stop. He acquised for a short time then would start up again. This was a cycle that went on and on, over and over. Each time her family would approach him and demand him to stop. But they never ever suggested to their daughter, “Beti, divorce him. Come back and live with us or marry someone else”.
I’m sure there are some families in India that must do that though.
And I know there are men who suffer from some type of abuse at the hands or mouths of their wives also.
Anamika,
I am sorry to hear you bring your own unfortunate experience to bear upon the discussion. Let me quote from Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina:
All happy families resemble one another, each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.(First line, Ch 1)
The above line may be a figment of Tolstoy’s imagination, with no empirical data to back it up. But unhappiness is extremely difficult to generalize. And to conclude that all unhappiness in Indian marriages is due to ‘arranged marriage’ is stretching things a bit too far.
It is my understanding that to make a marriage happy, the husband and the wife does not matter. What matters is the glue that brings/keeps them together. If it is something beyond mere convenience, probably the happiness has a longer shelf life.
Yes, you are right. I am a poor grad student.
Majority of the family in the US are like that. But you don’t seem to have a problem.
In this particular case, it is her choice. Shes doing a mental math to see the benefits and is deciding whats best for her. Not what you think is best for her.
There are a lot of cases of women who stay in abusive relationships in US. Even when their parents tell their daughters to divorce they keep on going back to their abusive boyfriends, why is that.
You’re right. I am not sure of the distinction either, but I do not think that every arrnaged marriage is a forced marriage. The term “arranged” has changed and means something to different people. Some westerners (and easterners and everyone else) tend to equate it with force; others do not. In my view, an arranged marriage is a marriage in which the parents play a significant role–not in blackmail or force, but arranging for the to-be couple to meet.
Every time I mentioned that I am getting married all my co-workers (desi and non-desi) come to the immediate conclusion that I am entering a arranged/forced marriage and marrying an unknown person. Usually that is not the case these days in educated middle class who have access to internet and read SM. So I understand the defense here of the Indian tradition. (No, mine is not arranged or forced or hybrid).
Arranged and forced marriages do happen and quite few of couples are unhappy (disproportionately women). But the article doesn’t give full accounting of what actually happened in this particular situation. The author assumes that traditional marriages lead to unhappy lives by default. So the piece comes as condescending towards Indian tradition. So it sets off the many people who might have gone the route of traditional marriage (called hybrids nowadays).
If there were more background details then the whole experiment by the author would probably have made sense. Given lack of details it is impossible to say anything more about this particular situation. I think the blame here mostly rests with the NYT editors who must have cut the piece to bare bones to fit it in the given space. And those editors have their own stereotypical notions of arranged marriage etc.
Anamika, your points are well taken but you should also concede that there are millions of couples that are happy in arranged/hybrid (not forced) marriages and millions that are unhappy with love marriages. I have known couples in all 4 possible scenarios and as long as one can decide what to do it should be fine. Then the question here comes down to ‘what did Neet wanted to do?’ We don’t know because the article doesn’t tell us in unambiguous terms.
Abuse is difficult to comprehend for those of you who have not experienced it. Emotional/psychological/physical/sexual abuse can all be intertwined, but the objective is the same: to control the target of abuse by belittling, criticizing, etc. Targets of abuse go through extreme damage to self-esteem, and it can be difficult to escape if the abuser controls finances or if there are children or other dependencies, like visas, involved. The drop in self-esteem usually coincide with the need to be condependent on the abuser. In the desi community, it can be really embarassing for an abused woman to leave her marriage even it is to go back to a supportive family; it can seem like she has failed in the one thing she is expected to do as a dutiful daughter (to be married and have children).
So the solution is to have Neet move to a country totally strange to her, with a guy who is a stranger to her? To me, the culture shock would be a much greater concern than the presence or absence of in-laws. And if this ABD guy turned out to be a chauvinist jerk, who would Neet turn to in the middle of, say, Minnesota?
I hold absolutely no beef for arranged marriages, in fact, I have an active dislike for the concept. But one arranged marriage is as bad as another. Some American dude going to Ranchi to get a wife, certainly makes me suspicious.
sorry to sound all textbook like with that description!
abuse and trauma are subjects of great interest to me, though.
I think it means we can cut her some slack though. Maybe she knows less about the complex nature of arranged marriages in India than say a 2nd gen ABCD would since she only has conversations in ‘tentative English’ with people from her ‘fathers side’ to go by to form opinions.
Anamika, you did concede that fact. Didn’t read your posts close enough. My bad. Your quibble seems to be with numbers. IMO, hybrid marriages tend temper expectations which might pave way for a happier marriage compared to love marriages.
What is really disturbing is that Chandra doesn’t see that she is doing the same thing for her cousin that her cousin’s family is trying to do as well i.e. find her a “good” husband i.e. arranging her marriage. Chandra believes that her arranging the marriage will be better because she apparently will be able to tap into a better husband pool. Unfortunately being in America does not guarantee a better pool just a different pool.
I also agree with someone else who mentioned this – if she really wants to give this cousin more options how about helping her out with Grad school opportunities?
Good post Naina – pretty much my sentiments about the article as well.
Can’t keep up with the comments, but this:
was hilarious.
Yes, but one doesn’t have to come to the US to be ‘saved’. Neet has a master’s degree in computer science. She can easily carve an independent future for herself in India. Just moving to Bangalore would probably be enough to change the course of her life.
If ignorance is the background, even less reason for her to start manipulating what she doesn’t understand. Why the wussy father participated so energetically while making himself sick on cashew nuts is what’s bugging me. Did her mother put them up to it?
First off, there is no rule that classifies a person as progressive or otherwise on the basis of where he or she is brought up. I have numerous examples of backward thinking among elitist, westernized Indians (both in India and the US), and at the same time, I’ve seen the opposite trend among the very peoples. Secondly, Indian and American societies are too large and diverse for anyone to make a generalization. What we see or experience is only a small part of something huge. For example, I could go on about how women even in the US do not enjoy the same strength as men (compare India’s Indira Gandhi or Sonia Gandhi with the fact that the US has never had a woman as a President). At the same time, I could site the case of Roop Kanwar and term India as an evil, backward-looking society.
So the assumption that growing up in the US, attending Yale, etc makes one more progressive than someone from a poor part of India is wholly a wrong assumption. In fact, its very frustrating when my relatives in the US assume too much about “us” and think of India as they saw it in 1965, and feed the same ideas to their kids.
As for “forced marriages”, I will not be hypocritical by denying their total existence. However, the situation is not that of a tyrannical, backward society bent on making the lives of Indian women hell. Things are changing and the Indian government, with all its failures and shortcomings, is making a positive effort. Things don’t change overnight.
On the other hand, I will agree with some here that an arranged marriage is not exactly a forced marriage. Specifically — Anamika, if you cite the example of your parents forced marriage (not be generalized to all arranged marriages), I could cite the case of my parents’ happy arranged marriage which was done with their consent even though hadn’t known each other previously. Heck, they’re planning on celebrating their 25th marriage anniversary in Bangkok in May. Its not a completely black-and-white situation.
This is from comment#6 – this is easily the most accurate of statements regarding arranged marriages. Most people who don’t spend enough time understanding the concept (and this doesn’t just include Americans or ABCDs) tend to think of arranged marriages the same way as they would think of the caste system (which in itself is a highly misunderstood subject – but that’s a separate debate).
As someone who just had an arranged marriage, I can say that the system is robust to the extent that you don’t force someone into a marriage they don’t want. As with any other custom, it’s good as long as it isn’t abused. And insofar as the comment about American -born Indian men being better matches than Indian men, I guess Mz. Prasad makes a strong case for becoming Mrs. Van Winkle.
india has the lowest divorce rate vs US with the highest. arrainged marriage is not an opressive practice it is simply part of a diffrent culture of which dating is not. but it still works over there.
And what makes you think they are wise? Would India be in such sorry shape if the previous generations had been wise? Indian culture has so much that is wrong and backward, dont you think change would be good?
Personally I think it would be better and far more interesting, for desis living abroad to marry non-desis from all races. The American Continent is a giant experiment in race-mixing. Lets participate whole-heartedly. To the mestizos, mulattoes and eurasians, lets add a few million half-desis and part-desis. Just make sure that your kids love both sides of their lineage.
I disagree, it makes it more conceivable – here is someone who clearly does not comprehend arranged marriages as they occur in middle/upper-middle class India, but trying to help since she can. She’s approaching the ‘problem’ like a non-Indian (All arranged marriages are bad), but providing a very Indian ‘solution’ for it (lets find a nice boy for the girl). Her entire story is so farcical that I think she must either be extraordinarily silly or it must be some kind of joke on the readers. Surely she can’t be so blind to the irony?
Amongst ABCDs the only group who disagrees with arranged marriages seem to be the teenagers. I have yet to meet any ABCD in their 20s or 30s clueless enough to strongly support this view.
I do agree with you about the father though.