On “Saving” Someone From An Arranged Marriage

The New York Times Magazine published a Chandra Prasad article (thanks, Tamasha) over the weekend on her quest to save her cousin from an arranged marriage in India. Her solution? Arrange her cousin’s marriage herself. To an Indian American, that is.

Let’s do a play-by-play of Prasad’s reasoning, shall we?

Even among my many pretty female cousins in India, bright and lovely Neet stood out. Like most of my father’s relatives, she lived in Bihar, a volatile region in the northeastern part of the country, and at 23 was sheltered in ways that I, born and bred in the U.S., had trouble comprehending. Neet never left the house alone; she had never even shopped for her own saris. But she had studied rigorously, earned a master’s degree in computer science and was working as a software-development intern. When I asked her by phone if I’d have to start calling her “Dr. Neet” soon — a nod to the possibility of a doctorate — she laughed and said, in her tentative English, “I like the sound of that!” In truth, further educational aspirations were at odds with Neet’s circumstances, and when I learned last year that her parents were considering arranged-marriage options, I felt sorry for her.

Fair enough. Sounds like Neet may risk missing out on enjoying her independence. But then Prasad writes:

A Connecticut-bred Yale grad, IÂ’m not really an advocate of arranged marriage.

Right. Because as we all know, Iowa State is just bursting at the seams with arranged-marriage advocates. Then the article just gets absurd:

But it occurred to me, and to my like-minded father, that we might be able to bring Neet into the U.S. and broaden her opportunities if we could find a suitable Indian husband for her here. With her parentsÂ’ permission, we set to work.

This is where Prasad lost me. What is it exactly that Prasad is trying to do? Is she really trying to “broaden” Neet’s opportunities? Because if that were the case, she wouldn’t try to hastily arrange her marriage, she would encourage her to apply to graduate school and continue her studies in the States.Which begs the next question: Is Prasad really that critical of arranged marriage? Or is she just opposed to the idea of Neet marrying an Indian man? Prasad writes more on her search for Neet’s groom:

Posing as my father, who would have the authority to do so, I created an online profile for Neet on an Indian matchmaking Web site — outlining everything from her hobbies to her favorite foods.…As the process went on, we began to lower our expectations. There were no movie stars among our top candidates. But we did find a few smart, progressive young men, U.S. citizens all.

Neet, as it turns out, wasn’t really into the idea:

…we couldnÂ’t understand NeetÂ’s lack of enthusiasm. At one point I asked her bluntly if she really wanted to be married to someone in America. Before I knew it, she had changed the subject to her favorite Bollywood stars. We finally had to accept that she didnÂ’t share our sense of urgency over her situation.

Maybe Neet just didn’t want her cousin to arrange her marriage. Prasad, however, seems to realize the folly of her efforts towards the end of the piece:

Recently IÂ’ve begun to feel guilty about the attempt. I hear there are several suitors in India who are interested in Neet, but sheÂ’s still in no hurry to be married, or to otherwise sort out her future. Maybe we were wrong to think that she should be, or to think that we knew what was best for her.

Good for you, Neet! Enjoy your independence! Prasad, however, still doesn’t quit:

I suppose all I really wanted was to see my cousin in more secure circumstances.

Arranging your cousin’s marriage to a man half a world away is a secure predicament?

ItÂ’s mere chance, after all, that sheÂ’s there and IÂ’m here; that she has one kind of life and I another; that opportunities I take for granted are beyond her reach. IÂ’m not saying that one situation is better than the other. But IÂ’m not denying it either.

Here Prasad suggests that an arranged marriage to an Indian American man is better than an arranged marriage with an Indian man. This may be true for Prasad, but did it ever occur to her that perhaps Neet might have little in common with an Indian American man?

And did it also occur to Prasad that maybe entering an arranged marriage with an Indian man would not necessarily mean a lifetime of unhappiness for Neet? Many of my cousins in India entered arranged marriages, and yet they continue to work as doctors, engineers, and scientists. And their husbands, for that matter, are not oafish and chauvinistic pigs. They treat their wives and daughters very well — and they seem to have happier marriages compared to some of those that I’ve observed in America. (Then again, we’re Southies, so I concede that someone whose family is from Bihar may have a different perspective.) This is not to say that I think arranged marriages are 100 percent defensible; I’m just saying that they’re not necessarily oppressive, either.

That being said, I would never presume to know what’s best for my cousins in India. I couldn’t possibly know, because I hardly know them; we grew up worlds apart. But if I had a cousin who was about to make what I thought was a horrible life decision, I would probably ask her what she wants, what her goals are, and what qualities she would like in a partner. And then we would discuss whether that life decision would be a wise one in light of those goals. Putting her profile up on Shaadi.com, however, would not be my first response. (By the way, is Prasad even aware that women have the power to put their own profiles up on that site? Not that I use it. But my cousins do.)

155 thoughts on “On “Saving” Someone From An Arranged Marriage

  1. There are so many people here who were born in USA lived there all their life, their only first hand experience with India would vacationing there. That hardly qualifies someone to comment on a rapidly changing nation.

    and i agree with some original poster that arranged marriage is NOT forced marriage

  2. You’re Pardesi Gori aren’t you?!
    It took you so long to ID MOS.
    What is this apparent common knowledge? What the…!!

    I’ll second that! doh

  3. I do agree (like most everyone else) that Chandra’s meddling in her cousin’s life was pretty fucking annoying.

    Annoying perhaps, but isn’t it typical?

  4. Not sure if this is worth checking out…

    A follow-up to the Passage to India article from the NYTimes this past Sunday – the author has appeared in India Abroad this week – she’s really using the Indian/multi-culti, race-awareness, and gender-issues angle to the other extreme in this one.

    It seems like in the NYTimes article she dismisses life in India (racist) and projects herself as a enlightened saviour of her “meek” cousin and her existence in Bihar (ultimately subjugating her life as not valid enough), and here she sees herself as a very confused in-between. So how could she have known what was best for someone else i.e. Neet, if she is still trying to sort out her own self? It might just be called selling yourself and your values to get ahead in order to get what you want i.e. ultimately being published, as it seems by the book/s she has out.

    It’s in Encounter’s page – in the magazine section of the India Abroad weekly paper.

  5. I am not the one to usually comment on blogs but today its different.. Plus in a weird way i could connect to this article As a young desi girl, and someone who is still not married at the age of 25, i am the worry of everyone’s minds..”when oh when will i get married” because if i dont get married soon, i will lose the good guys on the market (Today is my birthday and that is the lecture i get from my mom). I have been brought up outside of India all my life though i was actually born there..And i m proud to admit that I have tried to balance my indian side with my american/canadian side fairly well…but this also brings a lot contradictions..I may look indian and still watch bollywood movies, but i don’t have the indian mentality or thinking about many things. The whole thing about how women have to make the most sacrifices in Indian marriages, and i especially hate the fact that being a girl at times, according to some people, means a “burden” to her parents until she is married because then she is someone else’s responsibility..I mean God forbid you actually trust the girl to take care of herself. Anyhow point being-Even though I am very much unsure about arrange marriages at this point, i see some working and some don’t and obviously if i m guilt tripped and blackmailed into it, i might even agree to see someone(has not happened yet- THANK GOD). But here is the thing, I would agree to see someone who is like me with the whole balancing both cultures thing. Someone who is ok with me not even thinking about changing my name or someone who thinks that i m more then a wallpaper and have a career of my own with my own ambitions and aspirations which i m not going to give up because of someone. I mean personally i do not see myself with someone who is brought up in India and is in america to study..( I am trying not to use the word FOB cause people took it really offensively in one of the other posts) LIKEWISE- this girl Neet in the article is born and brought up in INDIA, she has never been away from her parents, never gone on dates or did not even start working at 15 because why would u work when ur parents can provide u with all the money u need, and to expect such a girl to be completely compatible with someone who is in America and stuff is just weird. Don’t get me wrong, women in india are very liberated too, they are doctors and engineers too, however they are brought up with this notion that they should learn to sacrifice for their husband, for their in-laws blah blah..And in dire circumstances, she will be the first one to quit her career because she is a woman and Indian women are the “epitomy of sacrifice and devotion.” Its just different- THe most important thing in any marriage is compatibility and shared values- this can happen only if the couple is on the same wavelength about certain things in their life. After that, if the marriage is love or arranged, it does’nt matter.