Oh, All Right. But You Asked For It

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READERS are blowing up the tip line asking us to cover the story below. Here’s a sampler:

  • “Where to even start?”
  • “I think the title says enough”
  • “I think this one is fairly obvious”
  • “interesting/ridiculous contrasts between public health awareness vs. outrageous journalism”
  • “I think it’s pretty self-explanatory why this is interesting. Scientific fact? Post-colonial subjugation through emasculation? What do desi women (or gay men) think?”

You asked for it. And here it is, via the BBC:

A survey of more than 1,000 men in India has concluded that condoms made according to international sizes are too large for a majority of Indian men. …

Over 1,200 volunteers from the length and breadth of the country had their penises measured precisely, down to the last millimetre.

The scientists even checked their sample was representative of India as a whole in terms of class, religion and urban and rural dwellers.

The conclusion of all this scientific endeavour is that about 60% of Indian men have penises which are between three and five centimetres shorter than international standards used in condom manufacture.

This news is the top item in William Saletan’s science round-up this morning in Slate, which offers a translation of the key finding for any macacas that aren’t down with the metric system:

Thirty percent of Indian men are 1 inch short, and another 30 percent are 2 inches short.

Cue up another round of outrage, snark, statistics, exotification and sundry manifestations of sexual anxiety. As you can see, two of the tipsters left comments questioning the reporting of this story. Media hype? Colonial plot? Lou Dobbs?

Speaking of sexual anxiety: For those of you who read this site because you are considering becoming involved with a diasporic macaca, I would caution that you not jump to any conclusions about his member until you’ve had a chance to inspect it for yourself. Emigration leads to changes in diet and other health factors, which results in changes in body type. Just because your macaca’s grandpapa might have had a teeny weeny doesn’t mean your wholesome, corn fed, suburban cul-de-sac raised American desi shares the predicament. Whew!

Discuss. [Previous Sepia jimmyhat analysis here.]

444 thoughts on “Oh, All Right. But You Asked For It”

  1. “Aji Chinchpokli ke Lalubhai, aap aa jayiye.

    LOL.

    Now having gone thru all the responses I’m wonder why my desi sisters haven’t stated this beef (pun intented) yet. It’s not a damn bottomless pit down there. It’s all about bragging rights. What is this business of needing it to be that big anyway? Where are you going to put it?

  4. This is false, malicious, sensationalist reporting! I’m surprised the bbc and our own Indian newspapers would publish trash like this on their front page.

  5. If every Indian male laid his member side by side, it still wouldn’t circle Kirstie’s Alley’s pre-whatever-the-heck-diet-fad-she-used wardrobe… If Amreeka ate less, and the average Bihari wore an underwear, than we wouldn’t have to see this day. Make love (refer to page 36, I think, of the KS for special positions for “lingamally”-challenged macacas) not war (Peace in the Middle East…and in your “middle” too!)

  6. Reminds me of an anecdote involving the 6 ft 8 in tall West Indian cricketer Joel Garner. A woman journalist jokingly asked him during a press conference in Australia: “Joel, is everything in your body proportional to your height?”

    Garner: “No dear. If it were, I’d be 10 feet tall.”

    Btw, obviously the researchers did not get to the Western Railway tracks to do the research. Anyone going on a 6.00 a.m. local could tell you that some of the Bihari migrant workers appeared to be squatting on tripods.

  8. Some of the Bihari migrant workers appeared to be squatting on tripods.

    Morning Wood + Flattering position + “Favorable” angle of vision = Permanently scarred, mentally.

  9. If Amreeka ate less, and the average Bihari wore an underwear, than we wouldn’t have to see this day.

    Hey! How I choose (not) to dress has nothing to do with why you have a teeny weeny 😛

  10. The diminutive Punjabi penis is lamented in folksongs sung by Punjabi women; I’ve heard them at mehndhi parties too (Amitabh, back me up on this.)

    This is bullshit. I’ve heard and sung a lot of Punjabi folk songs in my time (at mehndis and otherwise).

  11. This is bullshit. I’ve heard and sung a lot of Punjabi folk songs in my time (at mehndis and otherwise).

    What? You’ve never heard the famous geet “Lundiyan to Bach Ke?”

  12. If Amreeka ate less, and the average Bihari wore an underwear, than we wouldn’t have to see this day.
    Hey! How I choose (not) to dress has nothing to do with why you have a teeny weeny 😛

    The “vadas and mirchi” need support my dear…have absolutely nothing against Bihari, or non-Bihari, women not wearing the unmentionables…In fact, I’ll help you burn some, if you are so inclined. Strike a blow for female emancipation!!

  13. What? You’ve never heard the famous geet “Lundiyan to Bach Ke?”

    lol….verrrrry Drrrty DJs play that song.

  15. I’ve not met any of you. Too bad, though. I love desi men. Well, I shouldn’t generalize. But I’ve had good experiences with them. Very good.

    This is quite delayed, but someone said above that it doesn’t matter what size it is, but instead, the “motion in the ocean,” to kickback to a familiar saying. I disagree – somewhat. It can’t be too small, and it can’t be too large. Too small is a waste of a lubricated hoo-ha (you’ll have trouble making your appearance in my errogenous zones, that’s for certain), and too big is terrifying. It’s like being impaled. It merely needs to be big ENOUGH. Depending on what average is, even with this study, Indian men probably have nothing to worry about. As long as you don’t hear “are you inside me yet?” on a regular basis, rest assured, I’d probably do you. Hypothetically speaking, of course.

  16. I’ve not met any of you. Too bad, though. I love desi men. Well, I shouldn’t generalize. But I’ve had good experiences with them. Very good.

    You’ve met at least one of us. But it was under religious circumstances so we shouldn’t speak of it. 🙂

  17. Allready now!!! I read an interesting scientific paper by Steven J Gould(i think) where an argument was made that a male penile size is correlated with sexual promiscuity of the females in that particular species. The argument was made between chimpanzee’s and gorilla’s. Chimps are supposed to have massive penis while gorillas are thought to have teeny weeny. The argument was that Chimp females tended to be sexualy promisuous and so the chimp male with the longer penis tended to win the battle for reproduction. Gorillas on the other hand had no such competition. Basically one silver back had control over a given area and sexual rights over the females in that area(no competition). So girls… the future of our penis rests in your promiscuity. Give us more competition… NOT!!!!

  19. You’ve met at least one of us. But it was under religious circumstances so we shouldn’t speak of it. 🙂

    Indeed! Yippee!

  20. The “vadas and mirchi” need support my dear…have absolutely nothing against Bihari, or non-Bihari, women not wearing the unmentionables…In fact, I’ll help you burn some, if you are so inclined. Strike a blow for female emancipation!!

    Argh. Well, you’re probably not the only one who figures I’m some bra-burning psycho.

    Annnnnyway, my boys, you have nothing worry about. Go out, get laid, make me proud. Happy Friday night!

  21. Wait, you’re behind?? OK, now I’m scared of you.

    or…you could consider the “totally behind” concept a different way and remember that I’m all back, no front. 😉

  23. an interesting scientific paper … where an argument was made that a male penile size is correlated with sexual promiscuity of the females in that particular species

    Do not ever take anything seriously that is said or written by an evolutionary psychologists/physical anthropologist when it comes to sex, “reproductive success,” “competition for mates” — topics with which they’re all obsessed to scary degrees, and try to extrapolate the most ridiculous/extreme of animal behaviors to modern mankind.

    We had a joke at school that said the physical/evolutionary anthropologists were in their field so that their research could justify all their own affairs with female grad students half their age.

  24. In the same vein, is it just me or do men frequently complain about small condom sizes? I even had a desi boyfriend once who blathered on and on about how he never found condoms that fit him, even though he was clearly in the 60% majority. Any debonking (thanks No Von Mises!) will be greatly appreciated.

    So… not to go TOO TMI, but most Western condoms are made with circumcision in mind. When you’ve got extra padding down there, you sometimes need more space inside the thing to have sensation, even if the length looks like it should be ok.

  25. Allready now!!! I read an interesting scientific paper by Steven J Gould(i think) where an argument was made that a male penile size is correlated with sexual promiscuity of the females in that particular species. The argument was made between chimpanzee’s and gorilla’s. Chimps are supposed to have massive penis while gorillas are thought to have teeny weeny. The argument was that Chimp females tended to be sexualy promisuous and so the chimp male with the longer penis tended to win the battle for reproduction.

    Does that explain why humans have the biggest penis among all primates(not only relative to body size, but also absolute terms)? Yep, we all have it bigger than gorillas and chimps.

    So if you run across a belligerent gorilla in the wild, all you have to do is take of your lungi. That should take his mind off you. In fact, he might call his shrink right there for an appointment.

  26. I read an interesting scientific paper by Steven J Gould

    I REALLY, REALLY doubt this was by Gould, considering that he was hugely skeptical of sociobiological theory throughout his whole career.

    It might have been somone like Richard Dawkins or Jared Diamond though?

  27. I am a little disappointed that no one has elaborated on

    MD #1

    Well, I seem to remember being taught in med school that erection was something of an, er, equalizer in terms of size/breadth variation.

    the flaccid penis or the frozen penis (negative length) are quite irrelevant.. What matters is the length and girth at full attention and that depends on the source of arousal among other things.

    I still await enlightenment on this subject

  28. It might have been somone like Richard Dawkins or Jared Diamond though?

    yep, I’d vote Jared Diamond, for stuff like that.

  29. It might have been somone like Richard Dawkins or Jared Diamond though? My appologies it was prolly Dawkins. Its been over 12 yrs since i read this.

  30. It’s fabulous how much evolutionary science we’ve had to discuss this week on SM. Tonight everyone will be eying each other with a totally new perspective.

  31. Does that explain why humans have the biggest penis among all primates

    yeah prolly 😉

  32. or…you could consider the “totally behind” concept a different way and remember that I’m all back, no front. 😉

    True, that’s a nice interpretation to fall back on. The phrase “spankable acreage” comes to mind ….

  33. Tonight everyone will be eying each other with a totally new perspective.

    “Does she look evolutionarry-biologically-psychologically evolved enough…??”

    After 3-4 beers, “Dash it, I’d do her in a NY minute!!!”

  34. lol….verrrrry Drrrty DJs play that song.

    Yaar, I have it on full rotation…

    DJ Drrty: No. She has heard Mera LONG gawacha

    Good one Quizzy. Not good as Jatt Ho Gaya sharabi Poonani …or…um….Aj Din Vadiya Vagina …or…uh….oh man…I’ve got nuttin’. You win.

    As long as you don’t hear “are you inside me yet?” on a regular basis, rest assured, I’d probably do you. Hypothetically speaking, of course.

    Hey, it’s always better than hearing “That’ll do pig.” For me, at least. But I digress: My name is DJ DP. It’s a pleasure to meet you. Do you come here often? Say, can I buy you a…

    You’ve met at least one of us. But it was under religious circumstances so we shouldn’t speak of it. 🙂

    Religious for whom? Was the name of God being fervently praised? Was an elephant’s trunk the focus of attention? Was the holy text written by vatsyayana? If you answered yes, then I have vague understanding of what you’re referring to……and it’s hot.

    I am a little disappointed that no one has elaborated on MD #1 — Well, I seem to remember being taught in med school that erection was something of an, er, equalizer in terms of size/breadth variation. — the flaccid penis or the frozen penis (negative length) are quite irrelevant.. What matters is the length and girth at full attention and that depends on the source of arousal among other things. I still await enlightenment on this subject

    What else is there to elaborate on? I’m a grower, not a shower.

  35. That should take his mind off you. In fact, he might call his shrink right there for an appointment.

    Or give you a funny look before hustling over on his knuckles and cock punching you. Think Daniel Craig in Casino Royale…Only Ace Ventura is crazy enough to flash a silverback.

    Speaking of ‘big’, the larger a male peacock’s tail feathers, the greater attention it generates among the wimminz. Totally a desi thing, peacocks ya know.

  36. wikipedia as usual had the goods

    Length of the unencumbered flaccid penis is not necessarily proportional to size of the erect penis. Blood flow from arousal, and its relationship to the subsequent length measurement of the erect penis varies widely among men. Hence a smaller-than-average flaccid penis might grow to five times its flaccid length and twice its girth, or conversely a flaccid penis on the larger side might only grow to 1.5 times the length when filled with blood. The transition to erection and its relationship to measurements is by no means a one-size-fits-all equation. Low temperatures affect the size of the flaccid penis. One general physiological response to cold is decreased circulation of blood to the extremities, which includes the external genitals. The penis will often shrink further as a result.

  38. Richard Dawkins? What about Richard Dawson?

    Then there is the prominent social commentator Dustin Diamond. Although the video definitely disproves his braggadocio about being well endowed and like Ryan from the Office (dating Kelly Kapour – desi connection) is definitely an advertisement against making a sex tape.

  39. Uhhh… I would not fret too much about this study boys. While the sample size is prolly ok, I wonder if volunteer subjects are considered truly random. There’s only so much statistical anlaysis you can do with nonrandom sampling, and some of the conclusions they’ve come to aren’t valid in such cases. I’ll have to check my stats notes on this. Also, what kind of incentives did they give to subjects? And would such incentives influence the socioeconomic background of subjects they attracted? If they attracted subjects with lower socoeconomic standing than the average, then are these subjects nutritionally compromised when compared to the average population? I don’t know if nutriton has anything to do with penis size… Regardless , (correct me if I’m wrong) isn’t height the factor that is most associated with penis size (with few exceptions such as Ron Jeremy)? So, I’d like to know what the mean heights of the subjects were, rather than focusin on ethnicity. I have noticed that abcd’s are often taller than their cousins back home. Couldn’t it be that South Asian penis sizes are as varied as skin tones in India?!! They’re making it sound like penis size is set for South Asians, and it’s about as varied as our hair colour! I really doubt it. I can’t believe I’m thinking about this as much as I already have. Time well wasted, indeed!

    I also have to say, this is awful reporting, sensationaliized and meant to belittle south asian men. It could have instead focused on the AIDS epidemic in India and discuss how to get Indian men to use condoms rather than pushing very sensitive buttons. Ridiculous!

  40. Co-incidental? I think not.

    http://xkcd.com/c194.html

    I question the stats on this too, but mostly from a face-saving ‘there’s gotta be something wrong!’ perspective. I haven’t had a chance to look into it too deeply yet.

    Meh, doesn’t bother me that much though. They’ve always come back for more 😉

  41. The level of surprise on this subject, from you good desi boys, says something. Yes it does! 😉

  42. so, i was a bit frazzled when i read the initial post this afternoon. so i took matters into my own hands and did a random male tongue size check on the streets of manhattan. worry not desi men (and ladies), turns out our tongues are 2.5 cm longer than the average human.

    improvisation, thats what makes us great.

  43. so, i was a bit frazzled when i read the initial post this afternoon. so i took matters into my own hands and did a random male tongue size check on the streets of manhattan. worry not desi men (and ladies), turns out our tongues are 2.5 cm longer than the average human.

    It only matters if you know how to use it!

  44. It only matters if you know how to use it!

    kick us while we’re down.

    true, but we are easily trained and willing to learn.

  45. That should take his mind off you. In fact, he might call his shrink right there for an appointment. Or give you a funny look before hustling over on his knuckles and cock punching you.

    Ewwww!

  46. so, i was a bit frazzled when i read the initial post this afternoon. so i took matters into my own hands and did a random male tongue size check on the streets of manhattan.

    Are you trying to put Sin out of work?

  47. Listen, I am not going to be at the meetup next week, because one of my new favorite desis is coming to visit me, and I’m going to conduct some experiments of my own on him. He says he’s exempt from the findings of this study. He shan’t fear that measuring tape that I bust out then.

    However, I’d be willing to test the theories posited in the BBC first hand (pun intended). All I would require is a full erection, and I’ll give you an immediate review of your dill pickle. No funny business, just research. Let’s.

  48. I’m actually speechless. This entire day, I’ve just been speechless after reading this…

  50. Listen, I am not going to be at the meetup next week, because one of my new favorite desis is coming to visit me, and I’m going to conduct some experiments of my own on him.

    A true scientist would not pass up such a large sample set. Scientists put their personal lives aside to do proper science.