So moving right along, the other thing that has me alternating between “amused” and “seething with badly suppressed rage” is the gay scene—or lack thereof—in Karachi. Actually, that’s not entirely accurate. The socialising angle of being homosexual in Pakistan is an issue in and of itself, but the serious drama ensuing from the social angle is enough to make me start hurling kitten pumps right, left and centre at any and every queen unfortunate enough to cross my path.
When I was growing up in Pakistan, being gay went beyond just being taboo; it was one of those “don’t even think the word” concepts, kind of like Dubya, only with, you know, actual concepts and not all conceivable mental processes. And over the years it started getting a bit better, but that coincided with growing up, with getting to know other gay men (and one and a half lesbians), with a slightly more liberal government regime, that sort of thing.
But regardless of anything else, there was a substantial lack of a sense of entitlement, of feeling that your parents, friends etc., were obligated to accept and tolerate your particular peccadilloes, whatever those may have been. Drinking, smoking, partying, fucking men—they were all lumped together in an odd smorgasbord of “if you’re going to do it, you make damn’ sure that no one in a position of familial authority finds out”, although the first three occasionally got a free pass, depending on how “fast” and “liberal” the family in question was. [In case anyone’s interested, there were a fair number of such clans.]What amazed me most when I moved back to Karachi initially, was the degree of openness with which everything functioned. And it still continues to astound me. Alcohol’s not a guilty pleasure (much) any more; there are queens prancing about all over the place, and just the other day, I was listening to a young gay man tell me about how, when coming out to his mother, he (and I quote) told her to “piss off and leave [him] the fuck alone”.
More than anything else, I was astonished at the fact that he hadn’t spent the week following this statement collecting his teeth from around the room in which this statement was uttered. I mean, it’s not like my mother’s violent, but my “generation”—and I undoubtedly generalise here—would find this sort of thing conceptually inconceivable: not just coming out to a parent, but saying it like that. I’m pretty certain that my [hypothetical] grand-children would be counting the bruises well into their teens had I said anything along those lines to my mother.
I do realise this isn’t necessarily “newsworthy”…“Youth of Today Not Like Youth of Yesteryear” is hardly an earth-shattering realisation, and it may well remain irrelevant to the vast majority of people who read this site. And believe me, I understand. I just don’t understand the sense of—entitlement, for lack of a better word—that these gosh-darned kids walk around sporting. I mean, when I came out to my friends at…hmm…lawks, when I was 12 or so, and finally got onto the Internet at the age of 16, I spent all of time talking to people living in the US and the UK, becoming friends with men and women several years older than me. I also ended up empathising with them immensely—many had either lived through the 80s AIDS crisis, or were close to someone who had, and the whole “silence = death” motif really resonated with me.
Which all comes full-circle in that even while at university in the US, I found myself cruising crusading for gay rights, attending and being disillusioned by HRC meetings, really fighting for a cause. For goodness’ sake, I was nicknamed “The Queen Mother” on campus, frequently coming home late from classes to find random freshmen sitting on my couch and doing homework, or in the kitchen putting exam results up on my ‘fridge door, all clamouring for a biryani dinner. Since my return to Karachi, both then and now, my interactions with an increasing number of people have led to this perpetual red cloud, this miasma of anger at the sang froid with which I see people blithely dismissing the gay men and women of a different generation, failing to even acknowledge the difficulties that they…hell, that WE underwent, the shit we put up with and fought insofar as we could, the way we manipulated media and an assortment of social mores (and I assure you, we did, just by insisting on being who we were around our peers and their families, around our own families) so that being gay—while not overtly acceptable—was no longer one of those (pardon the pun) in-the-closet issues that no one would ever discuss or admit to. Baby steps sure, but important ones, and now I see what seems like an entirely different species nancying about, undoing everything that we tried to establish. That we weren’t attention-whores. That we’re not going to abandon the cultural values that define us because of something fundamental to our natures, but that we would try to integrate those values into the system.
Personally, I hate the idea of assimilation (although I continue to think that the Borg are rather wickedly cool), and “normalisation” will lead to sputters of indignance on my part (so much so that I was once asked at a campus Pride meeting whether I was planning to hack up a hairball). Yet at the same time, I feel that there has to be basic cognizance of the fact that in a primarily theocratic society—leaving cultural mores aside for the time being—very few people, myself included, are capable of really overturning the status quo, especially with regards to an issue that most people couldn’t give much of a fuck about. It is very much a matter of undermining the system from within, and all of a sudden, decades of work are being rapidly undone by Hello Kitty Princesses with too much attitude and not enough sense to realise that despite their oh-so-urbane and so-wildly-cosmopolitan exposure and airs, they’re still living in a country where being found making out with someone of the same gender could leave them steaming in a pile of shit so high that the entire nation could use it as fertiliser.
I sound like a complete uncle-ji, I know. And IÂ’m not doing a very good job of explaining my ire, but let me try for an abbreviated (and somewhat clichéd) version: whatÂ’s with all the people losing their grips on (admittedly unpleasant and far-from-ideal) reality? IÂ’m using homosexuality as an illustrative example here, but itÂ’s not just the homos and the dykes; itÂ’s the drinkers, the coke whores who, umm hello it went out in the 80s and just is NOT cool any more, the little shits who believe that because they watch MTV 24/7, that somehow grants them the latitude to go out and splatter other people all over the city. I look around at Karachi, or even Lahore, and I see cities and an entire generation spiralling out of control madly. Sometimes you can practically feel the whole thing unravelling like a cheap pashmina, and you wonder where the subsuming of a functional identity is going to leave everyone. I mean, kudos to Begum Nawazish Ali (pictured and linked above) for getting to pull a tranny routine on TV, but how necessary is it to reiterate the stereotypes of a gay man as an effeminate “woman stuck in a male body” or as a hijra?
My homily is coming to an end, I swear. I do have to return this soapbox before dawn, but I still feel afeard that I haven’t adequately expressed what I mean. I worry when I look around me, and see a cohort of Pakistanis who not only refuse to give a shit about what went before, but seem equally oblivious to what they’re setting themselves up for. And this sounds hypocritical, I know, given how many parties I go to and how much I drink and manage to sleep around, but here’s the critical difference (that most desis, I suspect, realise): what goes on behind the scenes doesn’t matter as long as basic appearances are met. And when those are swept aside, you get the 1980s under Zia back all over again, a decade of martial law in which there are 9 p.m. curfews, religious zealots rampaging through the streets, six-year-old kids in schools being taught how to deal with schooldays that are punctuated by lynch mobs and bomb threats (hide under the desks and pretend you’re not around, in case anyone’s curious), and everything that’s been somehow—no matter how discretely—accomplished, is left meaningless.
And believe you me, starting from scratch is a bitch and a half.
Now if one of you could help me get off this stepladder because IÂ’m done getting over myself bayta, that would be very nice indeed.
Sin,
I think you pissed off the monkeys. They crossed out half your post.
There was an incident with the bananas. That’s all I’m saying. But we sorted it out. Fruits will get you everywhere.
Pakistan under Zia in the 80s, oh my! Say it ain’t so. So, Sin, does your family have no idea you’re gay?
i think we’re past “A+” now….
I like to categorise these particular pronouncements of doom under “Code Puce”. Please, I need to have at least ONE drama queen moment here on SM. Yep, my family has more than an inkling, although we prefer to follow the US military “don’t ask, don’t tell” rule.
Holy shit I love you. In fact since yesterday my “friend-boy” has told me that he’s madly in love with you and wants to run away to Pakistan to marry you. Yeah yeah you’ve heard it before. You gotta love “the gays” because god knows the rest of us hetero folks are goddamn boring.
Wow, Begum Nawazish Ali — that’s badass.
It somehow makes perfect sense that his/her favorite impersonation would be Benazir Bhutto — beauty and glamor, and an illusion of authority, strangely twisted and trashed by the useless men around her, and the course of historical events. She’s like Liz Taylor, Jackio O., and Hilary Clinton, all rolled into one.
you are using too many big big words like pumps, insofar, steaming, smorgasboard etc.
I just wanted to say that I learned a lot reading this post. I don’t know any gay desis in the States, let alone in South Asia itself, so your post paints an eye-opening picture, though it’s probably incomplete because it’s only one perspective.
Sin, At one point you imply its easy to be gay in Pakistan . But, at the same time, its don’t ask don’t tell…. What gives?
Aptly titled post.
Being the first Pakistani man of the gay that I have ever encountered, you are certainly different (in a good, open way) than what I expected. You’ll have to excuse the bubble that I live in.
My mother often criticizes the Zia era as a period in which hell broke loose in all the land, however her fondest memories of Karachi and Lahore were prior to Zia, under Bhutto and Khan pre- East Bengal partition. She still refuses to go back to this day because of the ridiculous political climate that would doubtfully resemble anything familiar from her childhood memories.
Fantastic post, glad you found the soapbox. Have been following Begum Nawazish Ali for a while. From an outsider’s perspective based only on her interviews and some clips, he seems to have perfected the convenient and entertaining tightrope walking between genders and sexualities without offending many and challenging much.
but show necessary is it – typo? how?
Re: Begum Nawazish Ali
I heard she is very popular in India too, especially her interviews with Indian celebrities. Mohammed Azaruddin (fallen from grace Indian cricketer) opened his heart to her.
Between her and Simi Grewal, the Indian subcontinent has a veritable confession corner.
fierce.
Careful, Gulaab! The Gay can assimilate you into their collective without you knowing. One moment you’re going haan jee, bilkul theek jee and the next you’re humming along to the soundtrack of Priscilla – Queen of the Desert and arguing about whether bears or daddies are more just so.
Love the post Sin. Find some echoes with feminists bemoaning the Ivy League educated young women who put aside their careers to wheel around Mclaren Techno buggies in suburbia.
she may be just a terrific actor – I confess i’d open up to her – let my yang bull freely around her yin. feeling of security – maybe becuz shes come clean- with most people it’s hard ot open her – with her she’s on another plane altogether – quite liek a desi khOprah.
Well put. Excellently written and interesting and important post. Glad to meet you!
Shireen says: …
Or with the old school civil rights activists stateside. The difference is that, the likelihood of this country going back to the pre-women’s lib days and the Jim Crow days is slim to non-existent while that of the specter of conservative Islam coming down on their heads in Pakistan is much more real.
Sepia Team,
We need more South Asian bloggers from under representative countries such as Pakistan, Bangladesh, Sri Lanka etc.
I take issue with your issue with homosexuals who don’t give a thought to older generations who had it harder and who paved the way for them. Because you didn’t pave the way. It has nothing at all to do with anything you ever purposefully did.
Just wanna say something about the person in the pic.. I am not sure if he is gay but this guy came in lime light after he became acting as benazir in some comedy plays. Now he does a show something like Jay Leno on this TV channel called AAJ in pak * Late night Show with Begum Nawazigh Ali*. and trust me this is a funny programme. The man is not just talented and highly educated but also funny. They call 2 guests normally one is political or some renowned person and the other one is a player or someone from showbiz. U guys gotta seee this!!
Excellent piece. I know what you mean about the whole entitlement thing. It’s the same in Delhi now. In my generation it was totally don’t ask don’t tell and in fact two of my best friends have been living together for years in that mode. Parents and aunties just refer to them as good friends – like brothers only 😉
hey sin,
i can see where you are coming from, but what isnt the bachchas’ attitude today what you fought for, in a way? your generation took the first steps- getting people to see that you were respectful and respectable like everyone else. the next gen. is living as any other rebellious teenager would- taking the “we are like everybody else” to its logical extreme.
i know there are political implications, i know the “cause” can so easily be hurt (ask any feminist what the bra-burners have done to them). so my comment is at best theoretical.
While my exposure to Karachi has been limited, I do recognize the “Hello Kitty Princess” to which you refer. Even though MTV has entered homes en masse in Pakistan via satelitte T.V., the raging party-hard youth of Karachi – who seem to be Bret Easton Ellis characters come alive – are a small subset of the cities population. A subset partcularly defined by prevlige and wealth. These kids I would guess come from affluent areas such as Defence or Clifton as opposed to poverty filled Orangi Town. This of course doesn’t detract from the general gist of your soapbox rant; rather it points to an interesting/amusing intersection: 90210 meets Pakistani feudal society.
Only about your post, I promise. And there is everything wrong with that.
Are you complaining that gays in Pakistan are no longer in the closet, like in the halcyon days of your childhood? And what a terrible situation that is?
Of course, you do it quite eloquently in a Shobha De cattiness meets Pankaj Mishra lamentation of decadence kind of way.
I see what you’re saying about the perpetuation of this gay = effeminiate man stereotype, but I think it’s more that people tend to be ignorant about the distinctions between trans and homosexuality and hence, run around saying “ooooh he’s GAY” about Begum Nawazish. But from what I know of her through a relative who’s friends with her, she does feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body, which is obviously a whole other kettle of fish.
My responses to this will have to fit in and around job interviews, so bear with me. I’ll try and get an en masse response up relatively soon.
I agree with builder – what exactly did you the older generation do? I believe its just the times… moving ahead… and parents who arent fit to have kids have a football team… and an amalgamation of a variety of different reasons…
Just coz one stupid young fuck cant respect his mother (who should have bitchslapped him or even strangled him when he was born… maybe she did drop him on his head) doesnt mean you make a generalized view of the ‘new’ generation. You (your generation) stayed in the closet and got drunk and slept around… just coz Zia’s mullah’s were around, not because it never crossed your mind! If you could… you would have been doing Begum Liaqat Ali (or some other dead APWA queen) impersonations.
Excuse me gibberish… I decided I wanted to get on top of Sin… oops… to the top of the stepladder!
Right, as I find time to slot in quick responses:
Janeofalltrades: Send friend-boy over at once. I’m single and have already planned out a remarkably tasteful wedding.
Neale: I don’t actually think that the two perspectives or realities are irreconcilable. I probably didn’t make this particularly clear, since I tend to assume that everyone’s already read my blog (kidding!), but what I meant to say was that it’s easy to be gay in Pakistan provided that you conform to a certain social standard. You can fuck anything you want, as long as you don’t ruffle feathers–don’t get caught bonking a random john in public, and what you do at home or with your friends (as long as you can maintain a marginally credible outwards fiction) is of little consequence. It’s not an ideal construct, but it’s one that allows for a fair amount of latitude, unlikely though that may seem.
builder: You’re more than free to take issue with my issues, by all means. I don’t claim that I personally sat there with asphalt and tar; I spent a fair amount of time trying (obviously not that successfully) to emphasise that the generation of gay men and women before me, but with whom I identify and empathise far more than people of my own age-group, are the ones who DID in fact purposefully try their best to bring the issue of homosexuality out from the total taboo under which it laboured. And while I certainly went off on tangents, without listing huge numbers of examples, those generations are the ones who actually pushed for things such as…oh, charities such as the Marie Stopes Society for Reproductive Health to attempt to provide sexual health and emotional counselling for gay men and women. That generation was the one that pushed for shows such as The Begum Nawazish Ali Show or Will & Grace (which the local cable channels were NOT willing to run and which caused a fair amount of drama) to come on TV, and used its personal and professional clout to make it happen. There are other examples, but this is getting long enough as it is. With all due respect, I don’t know your situation, but I think that your statement regarding older generations not having any direct impact or purposeful effect on “the way” isn’t necessarily accurate. That generation wasn’t huge in terms of numbers, so I can understand why people may have the impression that you do, but from what I know of my antecedents (so to type), I think that you can’t dismiss their efforts and influence quite so cavalierly. If not for their purposeful actions, I don’t think this generation would find life quite as simple as they seem to.
So confused: I’m not complaining about the visibility. What I’m disturbed by is the manner in which that visibility is almost abused to a degree, and the manner in which gay men (primarily) in Pakistan don’t have enough foresight to realise the tenuous nature of their “liberty” to come raging out of the closet. Their behaviour as a whole, and I’m not fingering (literally or figuratively) Begum Nawazish for this–s/he gets a bit of a free pass because the show’s entertainment value is rooted in a fine tradition of cross-dressing desi comedians–seems to me to be blithely dismissive of the very real fact that Pakistan has yet to reach a point where social rebellion and a virtual arrogance towards the issue of homosexuality are in any way constructive. If it actually had a point other than sheer self-indulgence (like, say, ACT-UP did), I’d be all for it, or at least not worried by it, but the way it seems to be evolving, I don’t see that aspect of it. And I love decadence, as long as it’s done with some degree of taste. You know, like I do.
Psychospliff: I know BNA myself, and have heard the “woman in a man’s body” spiel too. I actually think that there’s some degree of sincere belief on his part in that idea. What I find interesting about that is the fact that he’s knocked up a nice little gori girl who tends to spend a great deal of time in Karachi. It makes me wonder how much of the persona is a construct, and how much of it comes from an actual desire to shake things up for the better.
DennisTM: Certainly there’s an element of moving on. I just deplore the manner in which such moving on is taking place. I’ve only mentioned one kid as an example, because I didn’t want to get bogged down into listing all the people I’ve met who’ve behaved the way he did (if not identically, in a similar manner); that just gets really dull really fast. With all due respect, I also don’t think you have a handle on what the prior generation did.
I’m pretty sure I missed something in that statement there. But to address your issue and move it one step further, here’s another example: there’s a reason why all the “successful” designers/fashionistas etc. are gay or at least super-gay-friendly, and it’s because the gay men of the generation to which you refer encouraged them in several ways, ranging from providing free financial and legal advice to advertising for them, talking them up, giving them as much press as possible, that sort of thing. It’s the same with the artists, with any number of “business”-folk, and an entire slew of “media personalities”. It’s all about the little pink mafia. I’m not sure if that really addresses what you raised, but then again I’m not entirely sure what the latter half of your comment was all about. And if you want to get on top of me, get in line. 🙂
I’m fairly certain I lost track of what I was saying somewhere there, but really, not that much of an issue for me (in case you can’t tell). In the words of the immortal (and immensely sexy) Tim Gunn: “Carry on!”
Thank you for your response Sin. Respeck 🙂
I don’t think I’m from a typical desi family, b/c we are not obsessed w/ appearances (and never were here in US). We talk about our real feelings (most tof the time). It is tough (of course!) but that’s the best way to deal w/ parents, kids, and… YES uncles/aunties. Life is TOO short to be pretending to be something you’re not!
Wow! Great post, and great feedback!
Most of my gay (hell, they all claim to be “Bi”) Indian friends are in the closet (and being “discrete” about their sexual activities) and getting married.
Sexuality is probably one of the “last frontiers” that India had to face – I cannot claim to know what is going on in Pakistan – but I suspect that it is somewhat more represive…
I’ve met/chatted with Indian guys here in the US who cannot deal with their sexuality – and if I may say, they would love for me to service their lund and set their gaand down on my face – but they have to be “discrete.”
At the risk of sounding like a boorishly “grateful” immigrant, I am prepared to say that no country self-examines and usually self-corrects its mores and prejudices better than the US. Countries like Pakistan and India are absolutely repressive for any minority, gays included. What the heck are you doing living in Pakistan, Sin? Can’t you come back to live here? I know – it is one’s right to live anywhere they please. But still, life is too short.
I didnt want to comment… but PETER forced me to! Such language… smack in the face! 🙂 Like sin already pointed out in his mentrual rant… its all good as long as its discreet… has anyone watched ‘A Touch of Pink’ and how that woman knew Jimi and his cousin were ‘foolin around’ but never bothered to say anything… since they were ‘discrEEt’…
And Floridian… you think he is exercising his right to live in Pakistan (i.e. any place he wants)… no comment
mentrualmenstrualaww sin i like you on your soap box. don’t move!
i think consciousness, on a personal level, is a struggle. on a group, mass movement level, a rare bird. difficult to keep afloat for long.
also, i loved this:
Growing up in Delhi when everything was hush-hush and on the DL, just in the last decade the modernization is alarming! But what they donÂ’t have is the thrill of sneaking around because now itÂ’s the benchmark.
That thought makes me want to never have kids.
What a gay post. Sorry, had to slip that one in. Dang it, did it again.
No but really, an interesting post that can also be applied to Indian cities like Bombay. Where is it all going? It would be intersting to turn the clock forward about 10 years and see how it all plays out.
Sin: my god, man. If you persist in replying to each and every commenter, your fingers will fall off. Much respeck. Boorackasha.
Tangentially, I know how you feel about feeling like it’s all coming unravelled. It ain’t just about the gay, though. It’s more pervasive than that. The idiots have us cornered; they swing from the ends of threads and pull and generally make a fucking mess of things. We must re-ravel as fast as possible, all together. Constantly. And then write it down, or something.
Call me an Anansi Boy (Or Aunt Nancy, it’s all the sam’ ting, ya).
Kudos to another yer-fingers-to-da-bone post. I tune in to this.
well i dont hate gays.. but that doesnt mean they should start comming on popular tv shows and make it a trend in young boys to be gays.. i fully agree that ppl’z attitude towards gays is really bad but what we have here is completely different thing.. if sum1 is disabled then ofcourse we shouldnt hate him/her or make fun of him/her and we should obviously use media to tell ppl not to hate or make fun of disabled ppl but that doesnt mean that we should start on makin it look cool to be disabled.. same is the case with gays.. i hope i got my point through.. assalam o alaikum..
hi dear i am agree with u my friend being gay in pakistan i also face a lot of problems but now i am in uk be cool & enjoying my gay identity, i really appriciate u & i am proud of u …plzzzzzzz mail me i dont know ur real name so can i call u begam nawazish… i am tomy my e-mail id is tomy_hut@yahoo.com…bye take care ….Tomy…
well its all well being gay but what if your caught.