Much like the girls on Sex and the City would get together to dish, my girls and I will get together and dish about the dilemmas of Dating while Desi. Yes, girls do talk, far more than we blog about. And Dating while Desi ain’t easy, as the mutiny has informed us on Sepia Destiny Part 1. In these talks, we girls will touch on questions such as, “Do you date desi only or non-desis or anyone but white boys? Do your parents sneak around behind your back with biodata and pictures? Do your parents give out your numbers to guys that call and don’t leave messages – from obscure area codes? Do your parents even know that you date? Where do you find desi guys that haven’t gone back to South Asia to get their bride already?” These questions (and more) are indicative to the plight of the single, 25 yr.+, independent-thinking desi girl and is why I love to find solidarity with my single desi sisters – whether over chai, or virtually by reading my favorite desi gal bloggers ( Rupa, TheBarMaid, Chick Pea, brimful, SP, to name a few).
Saturday night while I was surfing on YouTube alone in the North Dakota bunker, I came across this episode of Desi OC – after watching the video I thought to myself, maybe I’ve been playing the game all wrong…
The Desi OC episode above comes out of production company Raising Desi, and one of the film maker is Los Angeles comedian Tarun Shetty. (You may also recognize the gal pal from Timberlake’s Senorita music video.) All of Tarun’s addictive mini-movies are far more polished than the typical YouTube video, but the thing that struck me about this episode in particular were the rules they had for Dating while Desi. We all know the general “Dating Rules” — Wait three days before calling back, never talk politics or religion on a first date, and never say yes to a guy that asks you out the day of.
But I realize now after watching the video, that there are a whole different set of dating rules set aside for Dating while Desi. Who would have known? I certainly didn’t know the rules changed between dating desi, and dating non-desi. So, to summarize what I have learned so far…
Dating While Desi Rules (For Guys)
- If you get a desi girl’s number – three day rule is out. Call the next day if an ABCD girl. But if a FOB girl, you have to pace out with e-mails and phone calls.
- If she asks you what you do, where your family comes from and stuff, she’s no good. She’s grading you to see if you meets up to her social standards.
Dating While Desi Rules (For Girls)
- Make sure to make the guy chase you a little bit and space things out accordingly.
- Go to the bases three times slower with a desi guy than you would with a non-desi.
- Never tell a desi guy that you are really a doctor (or an engineer, or a lawyer). Instead, lie with a less ‘threatening’ career.
- Don’t date a jobless bum. Or desi doctors.
Maybe if I had known these rules, I could have figured out the desi dating game a lot sooner. Hence, I make an appeal to you, oh mutinous crew. Are there other rules to Dating while Desi that I don’t know about? Is it really harder to date us desi girls? (Not that dating you desi guys are any walks in the park.) Or as Tarun says in the video, “Desi girls are hard, man. Stick to dating goris…”
Let the Sepia Destiny virtual dish begin.
Yeah. well this conversation was seriously a bad idea to enter into.
Apologies to one and all.
I need some Ghalib and some fucking Chivas
‘Ghalib’ chuutee sharaab, par ab bhee kabhee-kabhee peeta hoon roz-e-abr-o-shab-e-maahtaab mein
Wow, you know two things are very clear here: Lessons Learnt Today: Girls: Go back and read you post, you should realize why you have bad dates. There is something as being to opinionated, you aren’t perfect either and its call being human. Boys: Really stop being such wimps!! All I hear is, “but why don’t they like me, why why why.” Grow up and be men, “You don’t like me, well tough sister, your loss.” That will juice up any girl, we don’t have any balls so we like it when you show us you have some (hey take your mind out of the gutter)
🙂 obliged brown-fob
(goes off to google the line so he can understand what the fuck it says)
256
Quiet Riot and Heart = Awesome music taste? The mating rituals of you kids are getting stranger and stranger.
Aaap Jaisa Koi……….
……..jumme ke raat
And what’s the whole underlying theme of FOB women being ‘backward’ and stuff? I’ve seen ABD girls who are far more traditional than many FOBs I meet. Chill on the hate toward the FOB sistas.
Just a question for the desi girls on this site…
How many of you have been told by your parents that you should look for a guy who has at least as much education as you, if not more? My mom (who herself is a Ph.D) sincerely believes that most men (and especially desi men) really can’t handle their wife “doing better” than them. Do you think there is any truth to this?
Oh lord but that’s just it. Most girls that have anything to say or have opinions are told so their entire life and not necessarily always by men but by family, moms, dads, uncles, aunties, the married cousin who thinks she is helping you by telling to stop talking. The so called “modern” man doesn’t tell you flat out that you are being aggressive or coming off as strong. His body language says it all. He either doesn’t indulge in a conversation about something you feel strongly about, or he disregards what you are passionate about and switches topics or he says things like “wow ok you really fell strongly about this don’t you” and run from you or never broach the topic ever again. Or worse there are those that will ridicule you or belittle you by making light of the one thing that sets you off because they think they are trying to be funny.
And a smart and sensitive woman knows the difference between a man who doesn’t like what she’s saying and a man who doesn’t really care to hear what she’s saying. The beauty of being one of those woman is the second man doesn’t register on her radar.
Aparna –
When I first met my fiancee’, the biggest issue with him for my parents was the fact that he only had a bachelor’s, whereas I was about to graduate from law school. My dad would say that unless this boy gets a masters he’s going to feel really inadequate in front of me (eventually leading to marital strife).
I find it funny, because in my heart I feel we are equal in every sense.
“How many of you have been told by your parents that you should look for a guy who has at least as much education as you, if not more? My mom (who herself is a Ph.D) sincerely believes that most men (and especially desi men) really can’t handle their wife “doing better” than them. Do you think there is any truth to this?”
I haven’t been told this at all, but I went out to a dinner with 4 girlfriend last year. All same age, with different degrees — one JD, one MD, one BA, two MAs (including myself). All of our parents are secretly or not so secretly trying to set up their daughters with suitable boys. Who’s having the most trouble? The JD and MD, of course.
Guys,
just a question,
Would you mean if you met a girl you really liked and she had a top notch career that meant you and her could take business trips all over the world? And since you have a ho-hum job, you were able to take a vacation to free up time to go with her? Or would you moan and complain that she makes me money than you?
Tell me guys.
mean = I have no clue
My mom believes that about her generation but not about mine. Seeking someone who is educated and “settled” is something my parent have always stressed but there was never any emphasis on “doing better than me” thought “doing as well as me” was always the least requirement. Of couse my mom will the first one to flat out tell me “You’ve worked hard to live this way, why would you lower your standard for someone poorer? You could love a richer man just as much as a poor man.”
Aparna–
My sister and I totally encounter this problem– we both have advanced degrees and our parents are worried that if we date boys who “ONLY HAVE A BA” (GASP!! THE HORROR!!) it will never work out.
What do you think, boys?? if a girl has a higher degree than you– do you care? are you subconsiously intimidated?? or are you proud that a brown sister is working hard for her education??
I seriously think the opinion of Desi men here is made up of 70’s bollywood movie villians
Subconciously I would crap my pants at the thought of all those greenbacks rolling, its just the scariest thought ever
[Twirling my mustache ominously]
Chickpea, i can so make a crass comment.. but i will refrain.. but you get the gist of what i’m getting at..
am not sure if i said something really offending to get you to the verge of making a crass comment. if i did, please let me know-anyhow if you felt offended by any words of mine, then my due apologies. Sorry, if i hurt u.
Those pending college loans scare the best of em off.
Girl I like, with money. That would be a yes. It is the girls who think that the guys can’t handle successful women.
It is the moms and sisters and sometimes dad who have problems about this issue. Not the guys.
What I’ve noticed with desis I have known, and I see the same in these comments, is that desis will stereotype other desis and feel that THEY are unique exceptions to the stereotype. At what point does the exception become the rule?
I wonder how much negative stereotyping White peeople do of their men/women. I personally have never heard Whites talk about the issues of dating other White people. Is it just because they don’t have to deal with the different value systems of East and West, or also because they have more pride in who they are than many desis(at least ones in the diaspora) do?
NO you didn’t say anything offensive miss musical… ahh gasp.. sigh..
i meant, i could say something that you referred to in crass terms.. (what i heard a guy say what he was looking for in women from india) but i refrained myself from it..because my jaw dropped too when i heard it for the first time)), not at what you said, kapish? sometimes these comments can be read wrong.. sorry!
p.s. happy diwali to you too… 😉
see if you get behind on a post like this, it’s damn near impossible to get caught up. why can’t SM have THREADED comments!!!
My desi bros,
Beware of the women who describe themselves as strong and opinionated. That’s just a different side of a nagging hag. Its so obvious that it is scary.
b/c
I reallyAphrodite hates them.I have been in an interracial, long distance relationship with someone who was 5 years older then me. Dosent get better then that 😀
But did you both speak different languages?
Two words.
Tig,
it’s statmenets like that that make me sad for all of us wonderful south asian women out there. let’s hope you are just kidding and that i can find my suddenly misplaced sense of humor.
Holy Crap! I just got intimidated the fuck out of my chair! Stop being assertive!
Err … technically, Anna, I think that’s 4.
Lighten up yrsling. Don’t be sad for all of the woman out there. Let some of them like Anna share the load…who just gave me her strong opinion. Its about love…not hate people.
Have some exerpts from the stuff me and some of my friends have encountered in the matchmaking ecene: http://desikanyasdiary.blogspot.com/2006/10/shaadi-ya.html
there are some that i didn’t even post cuz’ they were way too offensive and hurtful. just posted the silly ones.
have a look 🙂
Men have been advised to get a pair. They can learn from the masters here.
Seriously though — I wouldn’t colour it sepia. I know a black guy and a white guy. Both married desi. Totally falling for demure desi hype (they told me so).
I am happy to report that Ebony & Ivory get their asses handed to them on daily basis.
Ok, we’re way past it but I have to defend myself. I ain’t no skank.
She went to the speed dating thing while she had a boyfriend unless I’m wrong.
You’re wrong.
a) He’s not my boyfriend, we’re just dating. We’re really not that serious yet. (Yes. You can go out on dates with someone without being their girlfriend.)
b) We were just friends when I went on my speed dating thing. In fact, after not having spoken to him for about a month, I called him up right after speed dating because I knew he would appreciate the humor of the situation, and that started the ball rolling.
And…now we know all the details of my love life. Carry on.
sorry for the delay, long ass day at work so these responses may be a bit out of context/delayed…. whatever…give me an E for effort.. okay here it goes:
fuerza dulce:
actually it’s not my personality that is intimdiating but my profession which i find is intimidating to most.. an ent surgeon that i know well told me that he’s intimidated by me because of the specialty i’m in… (his brother is in my field as well…;))…if you get past the haziness of the MD… but that itself stops a lot of them…i love what i do… and adore the people i treat…but my profession doesn’t tell everything about me as most people who know me in real life outta this blog world can attest to.. the MD is only one small facet of what the pea is all about..
bidi smoker:
since when the doctor had a pair of ovaries ;).. no seriously, the occupation itself gets a lot of boys intimidated…
if a guy is comfortable with his own being, he will not be intimidated as i’ve found out from the boys i’ve been in relationships with…and no they were all not doctors.
miss rupa:
amen to that.. i’ve seen it time and time again.. not with just my own experiences but tons of other fantastic females that roam this planet we call earth..
and desi dude docs likley don’t want to end up with desi chica docs.. (my brother included)… there is somewhat of a profession pyramid that i’ve seen in the years…. pinnacle are the male docs.. even if they are the jerkiest jerks.. they have the pickings of anything on their field or below… the entire gamut.. the female docs.. are somewhat the pariahs… (generalizing here from personal and others’ experiences)
Cinnamon Rani:
Question is..will he dance on tables with me too? That is the most burning question…
Taz: you may get over 500 comments on this thread… hot diggity damn ;)…
Everyone: Happy Diwali… may your dating scene be super fabulous this year (whether or not it be ms. dewey ;))….may parental set ups not be as painful.. may your profile not be put up by family in secrecy (didn’t happen to me, but i know it happened to a few out there)… may everyone find their mate that they are happy with and makes them want to become a better person.. and of course may all work out well in the world..and with that i bid you all a good night..
There is a difference between being opinionated and having opinions. Former bad, later good.
I love chicks with opinions. Nothing attracts me more than a girl with whom you have some intellectual sparring.
As far as being a FOB is concerned, I have had a lot more success with non-desi girls than desi girls and thats not including those who “exoticize” me and “culturally rape” me 😉
My theory is that it all boils down to sex. A persons behavior indicates how they will be in bed – aggresive or submissive, experimental or boring, impulsive or rule bound, kamasutra or kraut. Consciously or sub consiously we choose a person who we think will rock our world. Thats why I am attracted to intellectually curious and impulsive chicks.
Ofcourse its no indicator of how well you will get along outside the bedroom. The older you get the less important sex becomes and more important other things like money become.
And I know you think that you are exception to that rule 😀
I won’t be intimidated by her diplomas if she’s not intimidated by the fact that I most likely know my way around a kitchen better than she does. In my case, it’s not really an issue because I hate having a job, so as a result I’ve accumulated a fair number of degrees in order to avoid the working life. Furthermore, I would be perfectly happy if she brought home the bacon and supported my musical and activist proclivities.
LOL….Russell’s Paradox…
I thought its how old YOUR PARTNER (and not you) becomes the less important the sex with them gets. 😀
Sorry way too much time and way too less creative inclines to put anything meaningful. So am just honing my juvenile behaviour skills 🙁
Ok I have to disagree with the whole intimidated by doctors thing, being one myself. If desi guys are intimidated by chick doctors, it’s an american thing. I grew up in India where half the women are doctors and I would argue that it is actually an advantage at least in the marriage world. I think american guys, desi or not, are more intimidated by doctors. You pretty much have to marry another doctor if you are one. (I did–but not a desi)
Maybe intimidated is not the right word, it’s more that they don’t want to be married to/dating someone who has lousy hours, looks like crap 90% of the time due to wearing teal green pyjamas as a uniform, and talks incessantly about their job. Who can blame them?
Regardless of whether or not this is true, I think it’s pretty sad to start a relationship with that disclaimer. Maybe you should hold yourself to a higher horizontal standard.
Ok I have to disagree with the whole intimidated by doctors thing, being one myself. If desi guys are intimidated by chick doctors, it’s an american thing. I grew up in India where half the women are doctors and I would argue that it is actually an advantage at least in the marriage world.
i second doctorgal, i think its a american thing back in desh most doc guys marry doc chics and vice versa (infact its a strong preference). All my doc cousins are married to one. Already student ratio at indian medical schools is 50:50 between men and women,in next couple of years women are going to outpace men, its already happning in some schools, then maybe they can’t find doc guys.
Sorry i’am doctorguy
I love that TheBarmaid speaks up on the 300+ post only when it comes to horizontal positions… 😉
JOAT: I hope you dont get yourself fired sista 😉
🙂 As long as SM doesn’t put up any pics of naked peeps and doesn’t get on the “banned by L’Oreal policy” I’m golden! Besides my boss is a hardcore republican that has all kinds of shit open on his computer all the time. I’m just sayin…