Sepia Destiny Part II: Dating while Desi

Much like the girls on Sex and the City would get together to dish, my girls and I will get together and dish about the dilemmas of Dating while Desi. Yes, girls do talk, far more than we blog about. And Dating while Desi ain’t easy, as the mutiny has informed us on Sepia Destiny Part 1. In these talks, we girls will touch on questions such as, “Do you date desi only or non-desis or anyone but white boys? Do your parents sneak around behind your back with biodata and pictures? Do your parents give out your numbers to guys that call and don’t leave messages – from obscure area codes? Do your parents even know that you date? Where do you find desi guys that haven’t gone back to South Asia to get their bride already?” These questions (and more) are indicative to the plight of the single, 25 yr.+, independent-thinking desi girl and is why I love to find solidarity with my single desi sisters – whether over chai, or virtually by reading my favorite desi gal bloggers ( Rupa, TheBarMaid, Chick Pea, brimful, SP, to name a few).

Saturday night while I was surfing on YouTube alone in the North Dakota bunker, I came across this episode of Desi OC – after watching the video I thought to myself, maybe I’ve been playing the game all wrong…

The Desi OC episode above comes out of production company Raising Desi, and one of the film maker is Los Angeles comedian Tarun Shetty. (You may also recognize the gal pal from Timberlake’s Senorita music video.) All of Tarun’s addictive mini-movies are far more polished than the typical YouTube video, but the thing that struck me about this episode in particular were the rules they had for Dating while Desi. We all know the general “Dating Rules” — Wait three days before calling back, never talk politics or religion on a first date, and never say yes to a guy that asks you out the day of.

But I realize now after watching the video, that there are a whole different set of dating rules set aside for Dating while Desi. Who would have known? I certainly didn’t know the rules changed between dating desi, and dating non-desi. So, to summarize what I have learned so far…

Dating While Desi Rules (For Guys)

  • If you get a desi girl’s number – three day rule is out. Call the next day if an ABCD girl. But if a FOB girl, you have to pace out with e-mails and phone calls.
  • If she asks you what you do, where your family comes from and stuff, she’s no good. She’s grading you to see if you meets up to her social standards.

Dating While Desi Rules (For Girls)

  • Make sure to make the guy chase you a little bit and space things out accordingly.
  • Go to the bases three times slower with a desi guy than you would with a non-desi.
  • Never tell a desi guy that you are really a doctor (or an engineer, or a lawyer). Instead, lie with a less ‘threatening’ career.
  • Don’t date a jobless bum. Or desi doctors.

Maybe if I had known these rules, I could have figured out the desi dating game a lot sooner. Hence, I make an appeal to you, oh mutinous crew. Are there other rules to Dating while Desi that I don’t know about? Is it really harder to date us desi girls? (Not that dating you desi guys are any walks in the park.) Or as Tarun says in the video, “Desi girls are hard, man. Stick to dating goris…”

Let the Sepia Destiny virtual dish begin.

This entry was posted in Issues, Musings by Taz. Bookmark the permalink.

About Taz

Taz is an activist, organizer and writer based in California. She is the founder of South Asian American Voting Youth (SAAVY), curates MutinousMindState.tumblr.com and blogs at TazzyStar.blogspot.com. Follow her at twitter.com/tazzystar

413 thoughts on “Sepia Destiny Part II: Dating while Desi

  1. To all the FOB guys out there, my personal experience has been that as an FOB it is a lot easier to get a white girl to date you than an ABD girl. I dont think that is my fault, cause i have also succesfully dated a few FOB girls. I think that ABD girls are inherently prejudiced against FOB guys (talk about desi unity). So word of advice. If you insist on marrying a desi girl, go after the ones from the mother land. You’ll meet with a lot more success.

  2. HMF wrote:

    There’s loads of neuroscientific basis to show women communicate better, earlier than their male counterparts.

    that’s just b/c girls/women have more to complain about and figured out a way to get it out of their system ;)

  3. And hell, a penis is just one of so many things a guy can use, no?

    Technophobic Geek, that’s why I made a point of asking about the bedroom skills of American Desi males as well.

    People laughed at my use of the word lingam, but it’s just my habit to say that over penis, something I acquired in India, not from the tourists but from the literature and talks.

    HMF -

    I can understand your frustrations, but believe me, females also sometimes have to be the first ones to approach guys they are interested in and often times the first to initiate the first intimate contact. So we have those anxieties as well.

    Other than reading some dating guide books or talking to friends for pointers, I don’t really know what to tell you. It’s a jungle out there.

    Cultural and/or religious guilt can often play a major or minor role in wo/man’s life in regards to dating and intimate relationships, especially if s/he is coming from a culture or sub-culture with a strong monastic core, as is common in various buddhist/hindu/christian cultures.

  4. People laughed at my use of the word lingam, but it’s just my habit to say that over penis, something I acquired in India, not from the tourists but from the literature and talks.

    I think you meant to say,

    “It’s just my habit to say that over penis, something I acquired in India. As tourists, we get our language from literature and talks.”

  5. No, Yeti, I meant to say what I said.

    I’m not a tourist in India, fortunately or un-fortunately, depending on how you look at it.

    I am a full fledged resident on my way to citizenship.

    It is not un-common to hear the word “lingam” used in the Indian circles I move in.

    Yes, it’s in the literature we read also. If one reads those books in their original texts, the word comes up quite often.

    Bidi-smoker -

    Hey, I gave props to my Indian Desi lovers for being skillful in bed, and my British Desi friend gave props to her Desi men for having Burrito Supreme size lingams.

    There is usually a trade-off with anything in this world….. can’t always have our cake and eat it too, hai na?

  6. Some advice to the young tykes who have commented here (from a happily married man nearing 40..)

    To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the loving cup, Whenever you’re wrong, admit it; Whenever you’re right, shut up. – Ogden Nash

    I wish I didn’t talk so much at parties. It isn’t that I want to hear My voice assaulting every ear, Uprising loud and firm and clear Above the cocktail clatter. It’s simply, once a doorbells’ rung, (I’ve been like this since I was young) Some madness overtake my tongue And I begin to chatter.

    Buffet, ball, banquet, quilting bee, Wherever conversation’s flowing, Why must I feel it falls on me To keep things going? Though ladies cleverer than I Can loll in silence, soft and idle, Whatever topic gallops by, I seize its bridle, Hold forth on art, dissect the stage, Or babble like a kindergart’ner Of politics till I enrage My dinner partner.

    I wish I did’nt talk so much at parties. When hotly boil the arguments, Ah? would I had the common sense To sit demurely on a fence And let who will be vocal, Instead of plunging in the fray With my opinions on display Till all the gentlemen edge away To catch an early local —Phyllis McGinley

    Thank you, Thank you, Thank you

  7. I can understand your frustrations, but believe me, females also sometimes have to be the first ones to approach guys they are interested in and often times the first to initiate the first intimate contact. So we have those anxieties as well. Other than reading some dating guide books or talking to friends for pointers, I don’t really know what to tell you. It’s a jungle out there. Cultural and/or religious guilt can often play a major or minor role in wo/man’s life in regards to dating and intimate relationships, especially if s/he is coming from a culture or sub-culture with a strong monastic core, as is common in various buddhist/hindu/christian cultures.

    I don’t believe Im engaging in a discussion with you, but here goes.

    First of all, if your understanding of my frustration is genuine, I thank you, but let it be known my frustration is not some outlier voice, it’s shared by many. And don’t worry about what to tell me, I had something happen that changed my system of beliefs entirely. Approach anxiety exists for humanity, but the difference is we live in a society that tells men, in order to be men, the onus is on us to overcome it.

  8. No, Yeti, I meant to say what I said. I’m not a tourist in India, fortunately or un-fortunately, depending on how you look at it. I am a full fledged resident on my way to citizenship. It is not un-common to hear the word “lingam” used in the Indian circles I move in. Yes, it’s in the literature we read also. If one reads those books in their original texts, the word comes up quite often.

    I think you meant to say,

    “I am a full fledged tourist on my way to citizenship.”

    Also acceptable would have been,

    “I am a full fledged Orientalist on my way to citizenship.”

  9. I think you meant to say, “I am a full fledged tourist on my way to citizenship.” Also acceptable would have been, “I am a full fledged Orientalist on my way to citizenship.”

    Yeti, I am no fan of PG, but this is getting ridiculous.

  10. No one here needs your “props”.

    bidi bhai…remember #359 ta ta.. of to see pet shop boys.. where there are west end girls..sinning…and people that are always on my mind ;)

  11. Don’t worry, I’m finished. Now that Bidismoker and I have found true love, my work here is done.