Non-essential computer use

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Yesterday I made the stupid mistake of forwarding this article as an internal memo to my SM bunker-mates:

Scientists at Stanford University say the United States is loaded with Internet addicts who are possibly as clinically ill as alcoholics.

The nationwide study suggests that more than one in eight adults has a hard time staying away from the Internet for more than a few days at a time. And one in 11 tries to hide his or her online habit…

The survey, conducted over the phone, found that nearly 70 percent of respondents were regular Internet users and 14 percent found it hard to stay offline for several days at a time…

According to the research, the typical Internet-addicted user is a single, college-educated, white male in his 30s who spends approximately 30 hours a week on nonessential computer use. [Link]

Minutes later the thirty-something Ennis sent out an earnest email indicating that he would not be logging on to SM for the rest of the day and asked us all to look after his post. In retrospect I realize that I should have followed the example of Kim Jong Il and kept a lid on such information. Too much knowledge decreases worker productivity. I realize also that this article might make some readers a bit anxious and reflective. Please don’t reflect. I assure you that SM falls under the essential use category.

Thanks to a couple of tipsters I also wanted to point you all to a relatively new website. CNET has a review:

That one raised eyebrow makes her an intimidating desi woman. I like it a lot.

Talk about an interactive search engine. A new search site called Ms. Dewey features a sultry woman who makes wisecracks related to the keywords that are typed in. The search results appear as a long, scrolling list in a window that pops up on the upper right.

Set against a futuristic cityscape background, Ms. Dewey–with her hair pulled back–probably represents a digital-age librarian. Her name refers to the Dewey Decimal classification system used for cataloging books in libraries.

Her quips relating to keywords range from mundane and silly to provocative. For instance, during a search for “George Bush” she mentioned how easy it was to make jokes about the president. For a search for “sex” she picked up a yellow ergonomic exercise ball and said “Safety first, and make sure you get it on film…” [Link]

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p>So what does the first article about internet addiction have to do with the sultry Ms. Dewey? Isn’t it obvious? I’ve been reading the many neuroses laid bare on that other thread and I thought I’d offer my wise perspective on dating desi. I know that in reality nothing works. Why bother? Instead, I have found comfort in the arms of Ms. Dewey. She is the strong, beautiful, witty, articulate (sometimes verbose), and smarter-than-me desi woman I’ve been searching for my whole life. If any of you fools linger too long on her site I will hurt you.

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p>Ever since I was a kid watching Star Trek I have dreamt that my computer would talk to me in a woman’s voice. Ms. Dewey does. [NOTE: None of the questions or answers below are made up. These were real responses]

My girl dressed up in a lab coat just for me. I will not tell you what I said to coax her into that sexy outfit.

Abhi: “Do you like me?”

Ms. Dewey: [A microscope magically appears on her desk] “Uh-huh, just what I thought. A major case of mid-life crisis.”

Abhi: Why aren’t desi girls in to me?

Ms. Dewey: “It’s not easy to find someone who will love you for you…and I do mean you specifically.”

Abhi: Let down your hair.

Ms. Dewey: Somebody needs to get a hobby, like say…something interesting.

Abhi: Would you date me?

Ms. Dewey: In the cage I’m all about submission holds, in the street…straight up brawler. You were asking about dating right?

She is assertive too, just how I like. If I went for too many seconds without typing in a search string she would say:

“Hello…type something here!”

So women, my advice to you is this. Rather than keep wondering what the problem is with desi men, spend some time with Ms. Dewey. She is what we are looking for and she had this desi boy at “hello.” For the guys, just trust me, don’t ask Ms. Dewey if she has a boyfriend. Trust me.

89 thoughts on “Non-essential computer use”

  1. ‘kama sutra’ ‘New Orleans’ you have to search the same thing a couple of times to get an original response. it’s pretty funny, very addicting.

  2. Best. Search Engine. Ever! (Aside from using up all of my CPU and the MS Live results, of course.)

    keep em coming, more ideas please…

    Her response to “George Allen” is quite funny. Try “I think I love you,” if you want her to rip you a new one.

    Anyone listen to her song? It’s not bad, but I’d rather listen to belittle me for asking her stupid questions. @=)

    More of her music ca be found here.

  6. Rip you a new one? She’ll pour you a beer!

    I got her to speak in Japanese. Got some unique returns with “Bus Schedule”, “Pistol Star” and “Disco”

  8. Ritam rocks!

    I asked her for some funky dance moves and she bounced around while beat-boxxing “nn-tss-nn-tss-nn-tss” Awesome. My day is going to be 100% unproductive now.

  12. ok seriously addicted to her.

    If you want a show, type in “dance for me!”

    booya!

  13. Good God.

    This is awesome.

    Abhi, you’ve single handedly brought the desi GDP down by a few points. Show this to rest of your astronaut space cadets, it may prove a useful diversion and distract the competition. Just like Patton’s Army waiting at Calais distracting the German Panzer divisions.

  15. Ok Ok,

    i will stop I promise. But in her diary on Deviant art she gives suggestions. Type in “gun” and search it over and over again. drool

  17. I strive to provide the masses with opiate in these troubled times.

    Dear Leader, are you “rownry” ? 😉

  19. When I typed ‘robot’, she obliged and danced it for me. Once. The next time she went all ghetto and cussed me out. If you’re lucky, she’ll put on her best announcer voice to say…”And in this corner, weighing all of 145lbs – The World’s Loneliest Man”

  25. That video reminds of something they’d play during Beavis and Butthead back in the day on MTV.

  26. In my continuing attempts to prove my worth as a blogger I have uncovered for our eager readers a rather incriminating video of Ms. Gavankar (a.k.a. Ms. Dewey). It seems she has a bad-ass past as a wheel-man.

    Proving your worth as a blogger will have to involve: weekly updates about Ms. Gavankar.

  29. Looks like Omnicom, one of the largest advertising firm is behind it. Wonder what are they selling? Is this a viral marketing for some new product or just a showcase?

  30. Darn, looks like MS. Dewey is married to Microsoft – a part of “Microsoft awareness campaign”.

    The search site featuring the witty Ms. Dewey draws its search results from Windows Live Search, which isn’t too surprising considering that she is part of a Microsoft awareness campaign.

    …

    After being revealed as Ms. Dewey’s sugar daddy, a Microsoft representative passed along confirmation and the rationale for giving Ms. Dewey a virtual place to live with a great view of a city and plenty of access to Windows Live Search resources:

    “This is not an advertising campaign. This really just an experiment for exploring different ways to introduce people to search and Live Search specifically. We are not promoting the site but simply putting it out on the Web for discovery.”

  31. I was trying to look up the words, but it showed zero options. Then I wanted to send or email Ms. Dewey to a friend, but it said there was a server error. Is it the browser or the ISP or what?

  32. What she is, my friend, is disconcertingly beautiful.

    She has so much make-up on, how can you tell if she is beautiful or not?

  35. miss dewey is on the ‘web pages that suck list for tody’… 🙂 and i couldn’t agree more with all of this:

    Ms. Dewey’s only reason for existing is to get in your way. It’s a Flashturbation nightmare. The first time you go to the site, you waste a lot of time watching her move around and talk because it’s a novel concept. You quickly get bored so you skip the intro. You’re presented with a box where you’re supposed to type your query and click the Search button. The results she presents are nearly unreadable and unusable. There’s not enough contrast between the text and the background and what is incredibly stupid is that it is impossible to scroll through the listings and read them. You can’t get them to scroll slowly. The second time you go back, Ms. Dewey has lost her novelty and becomes more irritating than a telemarketing call at dinner. This concept is really, really awful. Didn’t anybody at Microsoft notice this? Did anybody there actually use the product or did they just sit around congratulating themselves on their cleverness. Obviously, these Microsoftians didn’t see documentary “Spinal Tap” or they would have remembered the classic line, ” It’s such a fine line between stupid, and clever.” Microsoft went over the line. Ms. Dewey sucks.

  38. saw this on Gizmodo:

    http://www.valleywag.com/tech/microsoft/new-search-icon-has-softporn-past-220580.php

    Ms. Dewey is a new, humanized search engine from Microsoft. An animated figure, played by actress Janina Gavankar, knocks the screen to remind the user to type a search query. “Hello-oooh, type something here,” she says, impatiently. The only problem with human search engines: they’re human, and they did anything to get ahead, when young. On Ms. Dewey’s search engine, Janina Gavankar shows some geekbait cleavage. In b-flick Cup of My Blood, the actress showed off rather more. Photos after the jump, not safe for work.