I don’t monitor it regularly, but when I do, PostSecret inevitably offers at least one confession which gives me chills; on September 30, a few of you shivered, too.
Dearest Pecola, I Want to Weep.
Sepia Mutiny
All that flavorful brownness in one savory packet
I reread the comments on this post about 6 times before I decided to comment myself. IT WAS ME. that postcard isn’t fake and I made it about a week ago after a judge spent 30 minutes of a one hour clerkship interview asking me if i would ever move back to india–indicating his automatic assumption that i was born there and whether i was going to have an arranged marriage. i was there to be interviewed just like any other potential candidate and instead… it just devolved into a discussion about my heritage and not about the law. which frustrated me and drove me to get something off my mind.
i’m the one who combed magazines trying to find the perfect image to indicate my thoughts and then painstakingly pasted my words onto my card.
i appreciate your thoughts of compassion, but in all honesty… its just something i think about everyday. i’m so very proud of my desi identity but there is at least one moment everyday where i wonder if it would be easier to be white. would i be able to go through an interview without being questioned about my heritage? could i possibly have a rational discussion with my parents about my love life? what would it be like to be blonde or a brunette? would i have an easier time putting on makeup? would band-aids actually match my skin tone? would i actually WANT to get tan when i go to the beach?
its all just small things i wonder about… it was just a postcard. it was my secret that i’d been dying to get off my chest… i never anticipated it would create quite the discussion it has. and for that… i truly am sorry if its got you all thinking there’s some desi girl self-hating everytime she looks in the mirror… b/c that’s not the case.
i don’t know how you all are going to respond to this post… perhaps chickpea will email me a note of sympathy? or i’ll trigger rounds of “that’s such b.s.” or “she’s making this up.” But i don’t care. i wanted my secret out and in the open so i sent in a postcard. i hope you don’t all make me a pariah for what i’ve done or the fact that i’m being honest and telling you it was me.
i love this blog and i don’t want to have to leave it…
and anna? don’t weep for me and don’t get chills up your spine… i was just saying what i thought was the truth… doesn’t mean i’m not proud to be brown b/c i am.
Damn, that’s a ballsy move by you.
And why exactly would any (sane) person who reads this blog ask you to leave it or make you a pariah? The whole purpose of the blog is to generate discussion, and you did just that.
that’s awful AMU.
though i may have sounded flippant in my earlier comments (also as eponymous_D) it’s only because i am not as brave as you as to open up like you have.
my secret: sometimes i wish i didnt have to take it on the chin all the time.
agreed… that the purpose is to generate discussion but i think i was afraid that people were going to jump on me for feeling the way i do.
If anything this is one place where if 2 jump on you 20 more will jump on those two. If you read up the vast majority of people understand the sentiment, have felt it at some point or the other and tried to decipher it. You got people thinking and talking. No one is going to attack you for being honest.
And if they do I will personally kick their arse!
Come on! Chin up and just like Sriram said, who would ask you to leave for saying that.
Even I, being born and bred in India, was often found saying to my friends that “Whites have a fair advantage (pun intended) all over the world”. I dont say that now because I dont feel that way anymore. It was during my ‘American-formative’ years that I said those words, only till I found peace walking in my brown shoes.
Everyone has secrets, and every minority in this country has most likely wondered at some point (and to varying degrees) how much easier life would be as someone white. It is brave of you to out yourself though. Kudos!
I think most of us (ok ok not tryin’ to speak for you all) have feelings similar to yours, although they may manifest themselves differently. As I said before I never wished I was white, but I desperately wanted my name to be Sylvia.
Seriously.
P.S. Totally dig the collage.
I still feel ceterus paribus, that wh!tes have it easier. ive thought this a lot. ive just never told anyone…
…never know who will drop in 🙂
I’ve always wanted to be The MAN (who is white). That’s why I try so hard to use this site in order to be his brown version.
yes.. i like the jumping on the two. chengui.
AMU,
That is so cool. Takes courage to lay claim to a postcard that you thought was anonymous in a community forum (albeit still anonymous.)I have note book pages of postcards I wanted to make and submit, just never got the courage.
“I still feel ceterus paribus, that wh!tes have it easier. ive thought this a lot..”
Not to sound too “lefty” but how exactly is this a point of contention? Eliminating a native population, rebranding the elimination as “settling” or “discovery”, and building an economy and infrastructure on forced labor is liable to give one’s community relative advantages!
“but I desperately wanted my name to be Sylvia”
This is something I thought of doing a while back, releasing a list of “American-compliant” Indian/South Asian names. And by “white compliant” I mean easy to pronounce. Of course, Indian Christians have a leg up when it comes to the name department, right A n n a?
And by “white compliant” I mean easy to pronounce
there are two issues
1) pronounciability for english speakers 2) familiarity with the name
my name is #1, but, they often it initially cuz they aren’t familiar with the name. psychologically when you hear a name like ‘john’ or ‘alex’ you don’t break it down phonetically, you ‘recognize’ it and so recall and rememberance is easy. if you have phonetically memorize a name, even if it is easy, people often scramble things. e.g., razib -> rabiz, razid, rasheed, raheem, etc. (when the movie ‘juice’ was out, ‘raheem’ was very common).
I think this is a much ado about nothing. Whoa is me for I am not white. If it is a real post, it’s probably some insecure teenager who has way too much time on her hands. Nice collage though. Very creative. How could indian people not love their browness? Our beautiful natural tans that all the white folk wish they could have.
My secret: I can’t stand this annoying blog, but I visit anyway.
Interesting view point (again no sarcasm here)
But, I would say names like John and Alex are broken down phonetically, even when little white boys and girls are learning it. They just learn them earlier then they learn names like razib. Therefore, your points 1 and 2 are pretty much the same thing. The only thing is, if an unfamiliar name falls into category 1 (that is, the phonemes used in the foreign name exist in the english phonetic alphabet) it becomes easier for it to eventually fall into category 2.
Another issue of familiarity is syllabic emphasis, which is purely taught and remembered, as it’s nowhere contained in the actual letters used, so I’m sure you get:
RA-zib ra-ZEEB
every now and then?
When I say “easy to pronounce” I basically mean sharing phonemes that exist in the English phonetic alphabet, and having vowels with unambiguous phonetic counterparts, such as “A”,”I”,and “U”, (E and O can go multiple ways)
Therefore, your points 1 and 2 are pretty much the same thing.
most people know me can say my name really easily after a few tries. this is not true for all brown people from what i have gathered. there is also a contrast between japanese names and chinese names. the former are eventually masterable (although english speakers add emphases where there should be flatness), but the latter are often never mastered (e.g., compare two grad students and their relationship to the white native PI).
Another issue of familiarity is syllabic emphasis, which is purely taught and remembered, as it’s nowhere contained in the actual letters used, so I’m sure you get
i don’t think this is true actually. 99% of people say ra-ZEEB when they read it aloud for the first time (e.g., doctor’s office). when they shorten 99% of the time it is ‘zeeb’ (i’ve commented on this as acquaintances/friends do this no matter the social group). it might be a hard-wired bias, or it might be due to the way english emphasizes syllables, but the manglings and pronounciations are not random (they always get ‘ra’ correct, but tend to mistake ‘zib’ and replace it with something else).
my dear all mixed up…
i smiled when i saw this:
i got my note of kindness yesterday after a rough weekend….
and you know i’m always here for you..my dear..and i’m proud of you and really happy that you let it out…. i understand where you come from…as i mention in my blog… i thought those same things…the grass always seems greener…
sometimes when i was a child… and was frustrated with my fantastic parents (mmom-spicy falafel and dad-baba ganoush), i imagined what life would be like if i was amitabh bachan and parveen babi’s kid… (yeah.. jaya badhuri was out!)… i know…brown hindi filmi dream..
Hey!
I saw this postcard and saved it, it really startled me because I love PostSecret and this is the first time a racial/cultural one has been about/by an Indian…
Freaky because it was on the same day that there was a show about Indian girls competing in beauty pageants not allowed to go further because it wasn’t felt they would represent NZ accurately…
Even if it was some teenager’s melodramatic wish I think there is a grain of ‘truth’ in there that makes you look again. Sometimes a roughly made postcard can say more than a million essays and books on postcolonial identity.
i loved it, AMU, because it spoke to me too.
i completely understand how you feel!!
On the name issue:
Just to clarify, Sylvia has nothing in common with my real name, it was just something I liked when I was 5.
I’m always intrigued by people who “westernize” their names, whether by choice, or because others have done it for them. Often it’s a natural nickname (Sanjay=Jay), but I had to laugh (sorry if you do this) when I heard my cousin Anupama’s best friend refer to her as Pam at her wedding. I was like, “Who the F is Pam?”
I emphatically refuse when people who have just met me ask if I have a nickname. I have several, but they’re terms of endearment from loved ones, not shortened versions for lazy strangers.
Call it a chip on my shoulder if you must, I’ve come to terms with that.
HMF,
Asides
:This is something I thought of doing a while back, releasing a list of “American-compliant” Indian/South Asian names. And by “white compliant” I mean easy to pronounce. Of course, Indian Christians have a leg up when it comes to the name department, right A n n a?
Not a sentiment shared by Padikekuddy Shaji Kurilose and Vazhakattan Markoseachhan. ( some Purathana Sooriyani Christhiyanis..) Here is what Vivek Cherian uses : “We Wake Cherry Ann” Totally funny!
And big props AMU for saying it was you 🙂
It’s so brave because seeing your postcard posted up on PostSecret would already make you feel exposed, but exposing yourself to the possibility of the trolls that sometimes plague this site is even braver!
I didn’t weep for you, maybe had more of a bittersweet smile because that’s what it evoked for me.
An inner pride conflicted by outer hesitance because of what the world tells you…
Made me a bit scared of my summer clerkship interviews… I had a similar experience last week when I won some funding for a non-profit business idea I had for helping indigenous and Polynesian kids through drama and writing. Most of the (old white) people who asked me about my idea didn’t ask about it at all, just about how long I’d been in the country, how I could speak so well etc.
Very brave to admit your secret alongside your brown pride though 🙂
..and when I mention my given Christian name, some insist on the existence of “orignal” Indian one.
“Padikekuddy Shaji Kurilose and Vazhakattan Markoseachhan”
huh? Are you saying they’re Christian? Most Indian Christians I’ve met in the US have Christian names, wow, learn something new every day.
“I’m always intrigued by people who “westernize” their names, whether by choice, or because others have done it for them. Often it’s a natural nickname (Sanjay=Jay), but I had to laugh (sorry if you do this) when I heard my cousin Anupama’s best friend refer to her as Pam at her wedding. I was like, “Who the F is Pam?””
This practice kind of confuses me too. I won’t go as far to say that is similar to when black men conked their hair, but it’s definitely in that direction.
Well, I for one am glad that you didn’t go quite that far.
what i wouldn’t give to be an angsty teenager again… but alas… i’m not… i’m a grad student. sorry to disappoint…
and thanks for the props on my creativity… give me a can of rubber cement and a couple magazines and i’ll be happy for hours.
AMU, ignore the haters. alas, love is silent, but rancor speaks 🙂
amu: just out of curiousity’s sake.. how did you find out that your postcard was online on the blog? or was it just by chance you saw it on SM… just wanted to know how you felt about it when you saw it over the internet…
see ya soon in la biblioteca my dear… :)..
chickpea,
i read postsecret every week.
AMU – I haven’t experienced your feelings since I was about thirteen, but your honesty in declaring them is very impressive.
A side issue in relation to the interview questions you got: In Canada there are laws against asking inappropriate questions during interviews about race, nationality, gender, sexual orientation etc. Rights to equal treatment are entrenched in the Charter, and employers like this boneheaded judge would be dragged in front of the Human Right Commission. Can someone please explain to me WHAT IS FRIGGING GOING ON in the States?
amu, been there sister!
during my med school interview to ucla, the physician (a psychiatrist i might add!!!) spent a significant amount of time questioning me on whether i would be subject to an arranged marriage and how this would play out on my professional pursuits. what ever happened to “why do you want to be a doctor?”
i most certainly wished i was someone else that day.
On the main issue, All Mixed Up, I feel for you and I wonder if you had more support if you would not feel like that. I think it can be awful lonely to be in situations where you feel, alone, and maybe you think if you were not desi you would not be alone?
side issue,
Well, I wouldn’t want to actually change genders, but it’d be cool to communicate emotions and make emotional connections like many women are able. And also it would be nice to not have to prove yourself in the way dudes are expected to have to all the time. Sometimes it’d be cool to just admit I can’t do XYZ thing and ask for help. As a dude, not as possible.
-chuckle-
Sahej, are you internalizing this though you do say it better.
..and when you got to put your name down at a noisy restaurant what’s the name you randomly choose 🙂 ?
Dharma Queen,
There are such laws in the US too. But what are you going to do if they do ask such questions in the Interview and you really want the job? You will have to answer to that person’s satisfaction or they will not “feel comfortable with you” when writing up your interview report.
Amanda,
You answer the questions, then quietly file a report with whatever regulatory/legal bodies take care of these issues down South. Or you sue the pants off them, whether you get the job or not (isn’t sueing the pants off people a national sport down there?) If you get the job and do any of the above – yes, you’re going to feel the heat. Better that, though, than going home and wishing you weren’t Indian. That’s the truly sorry state of affairs.
Im a white guy who married a Desi girl two years ago. During my trip to India several months ago I was reminded of my skin color on an almost hourly basis during trips downtown or to various temples and monuments. It may not have been my skin color necessarily but the juxtaposition of my incredible pale hue was next to my wife’s rather dark brown skin tone. Needless to say I was given a window into how my wife feels as one of a few brown people when she accompanies me to church or other functions where the majority of people are white. There were different types of stares during my trip to India: stares of curiosity from strangers, stares of amazement and happiness from children, and rude, angry stares from disapproving locals. It’s hard to blame someone for not understanding another person’s perspective or point of view if he or she has never been exposed to the same experiences. As Addicus remarked to Scout in To Kill A Mockingbird, “You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view… Until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it. “
The Post Secret is thought provoking and promotes a sensible discussion. In the end people are always facinated with the qualities that they do not possess. White people want to have a rich dark tan, so we sit underneath ultraviolet lights to achieve this goal. Indian matrimonial proposals constantly tout the “Fair-skinned” characteristics of the future bride and fairness cream is sold in cosmetic stores to help women achieve the effect of lightening their skin. As someone mentioned before the grass only seems greener on the other side. There is beauty within all of us and it is only waiting for us to find it. Be yourself.
Sorry, Christopher, but my understanding of this postcard is not wishful thinking that life could be better for a desi as someone white; rather that life would be easier. Specifically, that if she had been a white candidate, AMU wouldn’t have inappropriately been asked about arranged marriages during an interview. The point is that she couldn’t “be herself”, because she had already been stereotyped by another.
Comparing this to a white person getting UV treatments to “have a rich dark tan” for aesthetic reasons isn’t at all similar. The contexts and power dynamics for thse two identity fantasies are vastly different. More analogous would have been escaping the “rude, angry stares from disapproving locals” that you and your wife received while in India if you had been desi.
What, no shout out to Maisnon?!
Not me, man. The devil you know…is…well…me. 🙂
BrooklynBrown – Fair enough, but the postcard is going to evoke different responses and stir up different topics for different people. In my humble opinion there is not necessarily one correct interpretation of that postcard although the author may have intended there to be only one.
Stereotypes are a fact of life. There’s nothing we can do about their existence. We can combat them with interaction, knowledge and understanding. I grew up in a suburban college town in Texas and went to a small tree lined liberal arts college in New Jersey. Everyone in Texas assumed I went to a gritty urban school off the Turnpike next to a nuclear power plant, while people in New Jersey assumed I lived on a ranch, rode and horse, and asked where my cowboy boots were. As an American, I am automatically labeled as loud, brash, ignorant, arrogant, and imperialistic by the majority of the world based on the actions of the US government or US citizens that often occurred prior to my existence on this planet. There’s nothing I can do about this initial perception, but hopefully people come to the understanding that not all Americans are George Bush or Donald Rumesfeld.
Ignorance abounds and there are idiots everywhere who will say and do stupid things either out of mere ignorance or through a deliberate effort to cause harm. To quote the great physican Sir William Osler, “One of the first essentialls in securing a a good-natured equanimity is not to expect too much of the people amongst whom you dwell. ” – Aequanimitas.
what are the odds of this ?!
Great post, Christopher. I can’t speak for every desi who lives in the West, but I can honestly say that the postcard sentiment is spot on. When you hear about racial abuse in the news and nationalist political parties saying we don’t belong here, then you think that we wouldn’t have to put up with this crap if we were white. But I rationalized this sentiment last year after the 7/11 bombings: it was somewhat painful to travel the tube (subway) or buses for the first couple of months, as people would stare at you either scared or angry.
Having said that, I have not felt that doors were closed in my life because I was Indian, much the opposite.
Christopher,
I think the analogy to India is the more appropriate one versus the idea of having a tan. While it might be nice to be browns-skinned from an aethetic point of view, the unfortunate fact is, our color here also marks is negative ways. If only it was a neutral phenotype. Although I think in the generation behind me, things are vastly different, and skin color is almost down to something thats just a superficial difference.
But I think if you were in India, it would be hard for you, depending on the circumstances. I can see how it would give you a window into how your wife might feel here.
Hairy,
I think you’re right, probably very similiar sentiment!
…and please don’t tell me how to feel. you created art and i had a reaction to it. i have the right to express myself, just as you do.
i think it’s great you came forward and revealed that it was your postcard because it inspired a lot of supportive mutineers to reach out to you, but i can’t say that i understand the last part of what i quoted from you. like you, i am proud to be brown, but unlike you, that is EXACTLY why i don’t wish that i were white. it’s one thing to ponder an easier life, it’s quite another to wish for it on a daily basis. still, i’m sorry for your interview experience. many of us have been there and it’s awful. i wish it had been easier.
maybe AMU just means that she does not want to be pitied … though there is a lot of empathy for the emotions she expresses in the secret, there is also a lot of pity doled out as well
So the sue crazy American culture has permeated up north as well. Do you really believe this? A curiosity tangent discussion, albeit inappropriate in nature and despite making the person being interviewed terribly uncomfortable is worthy of suing someone? You don’t think for a minute that it’s just highly overreacting? And you recommend it even if the person gets the job? Would that really be the right way to start off in a new job?
Being in adverse situations prepares us with the appropriate defenses the next time. One can ignore it and wish s/he were white but if it happens again and again and the person would naturally develop a defense to deal with the issue. At some point something internal kicks in and you stop hating yourself and begin loving yourself. This is what I meant earlier when I said maturity and experience in life eventually makes these insensitive situations better manageable.
AMU are you doing something about how you feel? How do you cope with it once you are past the “well I’m not white” issue?