Breaking News which is Meaningless: A brown-ish designer, Ashley Isham, is one of the four people America’s Next (Nowhere Near) Top Model contestants go on a go-see with during this episode’s “challenge” in London. Contrary to every model friend I’ve ever had, THESE hapless girls are being told to wear something in the “style” of each designer, i.e. wear preppiness to Ben Sherman versus the typical jeans and no makeup MY friends rocked whenever they did anything.
The twist? The girls have to assemble their punk, preppy, mod and BOLLYWOOD outfits at some flea market. Winner gets a photo-shoot. A Bollywood photoshoot. (UPDATE: There ’tis, above/left.) Oh my. What any of this has to do with being a supermodel is beyond this bear of little brain. Lovely Malayalee Julie of ANTM3, we hardly knew ye, and ye would’ve rocked the shit out of this trifling test.
With the words, “so, look BOLLYWOOD” still ringing in my ears as four confused girls run off to buy something, anything sequined– but will they look appropriate for a frolic through the Swiss countryside?– I hereby notify you that this train wreck is on UPN RIGHT NOW on the east coast. You mutineers on my home coast still have 2.75 hours to get ready for this spicy jelly (Thanks, ANTM fan Rani!).
Liveblogging, after the jump… Observation One: Turns out that the photographer who shoots the Bollywood-esque “prize” is one of the main ANTM judges. Nigel is half-desi because his Mummy is Sri Lankan. Who knew? Also, who knew that Sri Lanka has so much to do with Bollywood? (Sounds like he conflated the two to ME)
Observation Two: For fuck’s sake, Bollywood is not the same as “Egyptian”…and I’m not even talking about decent Egyptian, this is all kitsch, my friends. Jayla is wearing a heavily-banged black Cleopatra wig, kohled-out eyes that were copied from some hieroglyphics and she’s posing like (you guessed it) an Egyptian (whatever she thinks that means).
Observation Three: Who puts a bindi on the bridge of their nose? WTF?
Observation Four: They are eating at a desi restaurant…trying to figure out which.
Observation Five: Nigel’s Mummy surprises the crew by showing up at aforementioned nameless restaurant. She randomly gets up to teach four finalists how to…tie a sari…because this is always what we do in a South Asian restaurant. Riiiiight. Faster than you or I can pleat, she’s gone.
Observation Six: At the final judging/emotional eviscerating, the four are asked to provide a modern take on something classic. I haven’t finished harrumphing before the four of them are trying to put a “modern” spin on…a sari. Three out of the four look like idiots, with one girl drowning in a red shmatha. The only ANTMer who looks decent turns a chiffon which is the perfect color for her in to a strapless confection. Wah wah.
Observation Seven: Judgette J. Alexander needs to
- a) take that bindi off
- b) NOT impersonate bharatnatyam dance movements
Observation Eight: They sent the “Egyptian” home. Not surprising.
Apparently there is an encore presentation of this fiasco on Tuesday night. Watch the retardery for yourselves, you won’t regret it.
P.S. Thanks for the pictures tip, Nita!