Liveblogging ANTM’s mercifully brief trip to Bollywood (Updated!)

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nicole.jpg Breaking News which is Meaningless: A brown-ish designer, Ashley Isham, is one of the four people America’s Next (Nowhere Near) Top Model contestants go on a go-see with during this episode’s “challenge” in London. Contrary to every model friend I’ve ever had, THESE hapless girls are being told to wear something in the “style” of each designer, i.e. wear preppiness to Ben Sherman versus the typical jeans and no makeup MY friends rocked whenever they did anything.

The twist? The girls have to assemble their punk, preppy, mod and BOLLYWOOD outfits at some flea market. Winner gets a photo-shoot. A Bollywood photoshoot. (UPDATE: There ’tis, above/left.) Oh my. What any of this has to do with being a supermodel is beyond this bear of little brain. Lovely Malayalee Julie of ANTM3, we hardly knew ye, and ye would’ve rocked the shit out of this trifling test.

With the words, “so, look BOLLYWOOD” still ringing in my ears as four confused girls run off to buy something, anything sequined– but will they look appropriate for a frolic through the Swiss countryside?– I hereby notify you that this train wreck is on UPN RIGHT NOW on the east coast. You mutineers on my home coast still have 2.75 hours to get ready for this spicy jelly (Thanks, ANTM fan Rani!).

Liveblogging, after the jump… Observation One: Turns out that the photographer who shoots the Bollywood-esque “prize” is one of the main ANTM judges. Nigel is half-desi because his Mummy is Sri Lankan. Who knew? Also, who knew that Sri Lanka has so much to do with Bollywood? (Sounds like he conflated the two to ME)

Observation Two: For fuck’s sake, Bollywood is not the same as “Egyptian”…and I’m not even talking about decent Egyptian, this is all kitsch, my friends. Jayla is wearing a heavily-banged black Cleopatra wig, kohled-out eyes that were copied from some hieroglyphics and she’s posing like (you guessed it) an Egyptian (whatever she thinks that means).

bindi.jpg

Observation Three: Who puts a bindi on the bridge of their nose? WTF?

Observation Four: They are eating at a desi restaurant…trying to figure out which.

Observation Five: Nigel’s Mummy surprises the crew by showing up at aforementioned nameless restaurant. She randomly gets up to teach four finalists how to…tie a sari…because this is always what we do in a South Asian restaurant. Riiiiight. Faster than you or I can pleat, she’s gone.

Observation Six: At the final judging/emotional eviscerating, the four are asked to provide a modern take on something classic. I haven’t finished harrumphing before the four of them are trying to put a “modern” spin on…a sari. Three out of the four look like idiots, with one girl drowning in a red shmatha. The only ANTMer who looks decent turns a chiffon which is the perfect color for her in to a strapless confection. Wah wah.

Observation Seven: Judgette J. Alexander needs to

  • a) take that bindi off
  • b) NOT impersonate bharatnatyam dance movements

Observation Eight: They sent the “Egyptian” home. Not surprising.

:+:

Apparently there is an encore presentation of this fiasco on Tuesday night. Watch the retardery for yourselves, you won’t regret it. 😉

:+:

P.S. Thanks for the pictures tip, Nita!

37 thoughts on “Liveblogging ANTM’s mercifully brief trip to Bollywood (Updated!)”

  1. Spoiler: Nigel recommends that you wear a saree with “bare back” and “butt cleavage”.

    Butt cleavage?!! Scuse me, my name ain’t Christina Aguleira! In his defense the girl did cover up too much – didn’t get the subtle sexiness of a saree at all. Aaah… you gotta love Wednesday night treadmill t.v. – next up Jacob’s Ladder LOST! Yay!

  2. This is why I love Sepia Mutiny… I am watching ANTM (slang, among the in crowd who watch this wonderful show), and I look up SM ’cause I’m getting kind of bored and the Bollywood reference has reminded me of my oh-so-favorite blog…

    And what do you know!? Good times.

    Can I just say that the second girl looked like Cleopatra? Looks like someone was mixing up their exotic Eastern countries.

    And what was up with the butterfly clips in the hair?

    Loved the random sari-wrapping (and making it modern) experience. I’m sure they all feel cultured now.

  5. Oy yoy, how much do I love you, Anna? THIS MUCH.

    “Bollywood?” “It’s probably just Hollywood” …I swear those words were uttered.

    Miss J doing the ‘indian dance head-thing’ was really embarassing.

  6. Oh damn! I’m sorry I missed this one! I don’t know where they find these ladies: anytime they have to do a shoot that’s remotely ‘cultural’ or ‘ethnic’ they’re all like half-retarded about it.

    Nigel is half-desi?!! Points!

    Oh Nigel….yum. I knew he had to have some brown in him.

  7. I love when tv shows bring “bollywood” into an episode. It’s hilarious to see Americans try to pull off being cultured even though they are quite clueless. It keeps us desis glued to the screen clutching our stomachs because of the laughter or groaning impatiently. Perhaps they should introduce Bollywood to the OC.

  8. uh, holy sh*t. i think i started reading SM after the post about Julie Ann Titus, but she’s from my neck of the woods in washington. hahaha. i’m going home this weekend, perhaps i can dig up some dirt about her 😉

  9. I watch Tyra Banks whenever I get lunch at home… she is usually “healing” someone, or being proud about how Black she is, or chest- thumping about how she created ANTM so that other Black beauties would not have to face the same hardships that she had to face in the tough-as-nails world of modeling and how she managed because she was very smart and knew how to work hard.

    Who does she think she is? Oprah?

    Yes, I don’t have cable and I’d much rather watch this than listen to Maury try (and fail) to determine who is the baby daddy.

    My favourite episode is of Tyra with Naomi Campbell. Naomi, being the hottie that she is, plays it cool and delivers gentle salvos that go beneath Tyra’s radar. But that’s probably because Tyra’s too busy boring Naomi with details about how she worshipped Naomi, but was hurt by all the bitching from Campbell’s coterie. insert catty roar Naomi’s expression throughout the show read ‘Yeah, yeah, get it over wih biatch. Unlike you, I have a real career to get back to’.

  10. I think Ash used Tyra as a model for her plastic surgery. Their features are eerily similar.

    Naomi Campbell is da bomb!

  11. achtung babies: i’ll nip this black flower before it blooms; if this turns in to a thread about whether Aish is hot, if she had plastic surgery or how your uncle’s niece’s friend’s fuckbuddy saw her IRL and she’s actually ass ugly, i will inflict the wrath of movable type upon you (read: such comments will be deleted with prejudice)

    if, however, you want to talk about tonight’s waaaacky ANTM or the TyRa that DDiA referred to where naomi was slinging zingers smoothly at tyra’s ginormous forehead while tyra was too self-absorbed to notice, carry on please. by the by, that was the only episode of “tyra” i watched and it. was. AWESOME. hell yes, yourbloodyvalentine, naomi is FIERCE!

    p.s. if anyone finds pictures of the bollyfiasco-photo-shoot or modern-sari-challenge from tonight’s ANTM episode, kindly let me know– i’d love for ALL mutineers to see THAT visual. 😉

  12. OK, I have to give Tyra SOME credit for taking on serious topics such as racism and other kinds of prejudice on her show. That’s a pretty brave thing to do on tame daytime TV.

    But I do get rather annoyed by how she seems to go out of her way to “out-do” all of her (mainly female) guests in the hair/clothing/makeup department. For cripe’s sake, her hair is HUGE (maybe she’s trying to match her ginormous forehead, hehe). It’s not a country music concert, ugh. And I don’t think a womens’ talk show is the best occcasion for the “clubwear” she seems to sport so often…not that it doesn’t look nice, but it just comes off as a bit much for the situation. And finally, she needs to lay off the Mimi-like amount of eyeshadow!

  13. thing to do on tame daytime TV.

    i don’t subscribe to TV Guide and WaPo is too far away to fetch, but i thought her tawk show was on at 10pm.

    oy, why does she blink so much? and agreed, YBV, she’s very, “I’m the bride. I’M THE BRIDE, DAMNIT. Know thy place, ugly bridesmaids!!” in terms of how she gets done up.

    i once read an excellent article about how ANTM is a joke, b/c these contestants wouldn’t get in the lobby of a real agency. yes, yes, beauty is subjective, but AGE isn’t and many of these girls are anywhere from five years to a decade past when a model generally gets discovered. the best line from the article? that tyra was the REAL winner of ANTM. made me feel wayyy better about our girl Julie; i’d rather have her lose than win a joke of a reality show. 😉

  14. ANNA- It comes on at around noonish in Austin, and once again at about 3 AM.

    so true about Tyra being the real winner of ANTM, haha

    oh, another rant about Tyra- the basic premise of her ejecting Julie was that “America isn’t ready for an Indian model”. She actually SAID THAT! coming from someone who struggled so much in her career b/c of her race, I find that extremely hypocritical and wrong. she seems to want to help other black models (which is a great thing), but why can’t she recognize Julie’s exact same hardship?

  15. the basic premise of her ejecting Julie was that “America isn’t ready for an Indian model”.

    That statement was complete rubbish. What about Yasmeen Ghauri ? (Yes I know her roots are Pakistani, but she’s still South Asian).

  16. a close second in the “most ridiculous Tyra Banks’ episode” would have to be the day she donned a fat suit and went out into the world, to experience the prejudices that those who aren’t 5’10” and 86 lbs experience. At the end of the day, she comes back to the studio and gets de-fatted and sits down for a recap IN TEARS because she says people were staring and laughing at her. (gasp!) Boy, fat people have a hard life, she concludes prosaically…

    Yeah, usually we’re just staring at your heli-pad of a forehead and figuring out what real estate Trump can build on it…

  17. The BEST ANTM recaps are on foufour.typepad.com. (Look out for them on Friday morning). He does the most hilarious screen shots – ao ANNA you’ll be able to get the ‘modern sari’ pics. Be sure to check him out!

  19. Who does she think she is? Oprah?

    Desidude, my theory is Tyra is an Oprah wannabe. The local TV networks are marketing them together — I’ve seen billboards with Oprah standing next to Tyra. I guess their shows are in consecutive time slots in the afternoon? I wouldn’t know since I avoid Tyra’s big ole forehead as much as possible.

  20. Desidude, my theory is Tyra is an Oprah wannabe.

    dead-on. i heard forehead self-refer in this charming way:

    “I’m the Oprah for MY generation…but with more cleavage.”

    Oprah had a private field day with that, but I ain’t one to gossip, so you din’t hear that from me. 😉

  21. there’re pictures of the antm photo shoot on the antm website, laugh and enjoy

    Jayla..(bindi on the nose? thats..original?) http://www.upn.com/shows/top_model5/models/model_portfolio.php?d=jayla&id=21

    http://www.upn.com/shows/top_model5/models/model_portfolio.php?d=jayla&id=22

    Bre http://www.upn.com/shows/top_model5/models/model_portfolio.php?d=bre&id=22

    http://www.upn.com/shows/top_model5/models/model_portfolio.php?d=bre&id=21

    Nicole..because butterflies are so bollywood http://www.upn.com/shows/top_model5/models/model_portfolio.php?d=nicole&id=21

    http://www.upn.com/shows/top_model5/models/model_portfolio.php?d=nicole&id=22

    Nik http://www.upn.com/shows/top_model5/models/model_portfolio.php?d=nik&id=21

    http://www.upn.com/shows/top_model5/models/model_portfolio.php?d=nik&id=22

  22. What about Yasmeen Ghauri ?

    Jai, you’re age is showing! 😉 Now there are a bevvy of desi beauties hitting the international runways – Tyra doesn’t know FIERCE when she sees it.

    These ladies are beautiful! While they probably couldn’t make it in India cuz of the dumb fairness rule, their height and bodies and gorgeous features allow them to make alot more $$$ on the international scene. The funny thing is that even though they aren’t “fair” at all, they are deemed as having an “international ambiguous” look, meaning they could be from any country. I’ve heard some people even say that they don’t look Indian – what that means, I don’t know. My pet peeve is people who think they know what Indian is supposed to look like – I’m brown and even I don’t know. I love the variety and that’s what brown is, dammit!!! I suspect it’s because these ladies are beautiful and the judges have some other stereotype in mind. Vidisha Pavate Ujjwala Raut Modelling at Betsey Johnson show…

    There’s alot more that I’ve seen, but I don’t know their names yet…

    We all know that Tyra has a need to outbling everyone on her shows (hair and make-up overboard!), but can you imagine Tyra trying to outshine the ladies in the subcontinent? HA! That would be a sight! How much jewellery and make-up and general bling can one sane person wear?! As for her resemblance to Ash – yes, they both have that innocent wide-eyed kewpie doll look….

  23. On the subject of foreheads, here’s an old joke, courtesy of Spike Lee:

    “Sade’s forehead is so big, she got an eight-head.”

    By the Sade standard, Tyra’s got a sixteen-head, at least.

  24. the following quote is from one of your tips- the fourth one about this post, the third tip since this post was posted, the second one in as many minutes:

    Jay Manuel greets the girls with the theme of the photo shoot: Bollywood. However, the real challenge will be to stand out in a photo crowded with other women. Nigel Barker will be the photographer, and he chose the theme because he is half Sri Lankan.

    first, thank you so much for further clarifying what the challenge (“standing out in a crowd”) was about, i think that detail is just crucial. second, oh mylanta, is SM so forgettable that you loyal readers feel the need to send in tips for posts we’ve already written? 😉 or did this one suck so much, you wanted a do-over?

    ooops, i see the coffee pot is empty- must scurry off before the morale-improving-beatings begin. as you were! 🙂

  27. the pics on UPN are hilarious. Not so much the ANTM girls, but the poor brown-background girls who look OH-SO bored to sit there with their legs crossed and arms up in flowery mudras. The looks on their faces: “at least this gig pays…objectification or not…” or “who’s that dipshit appropriating the bindi on her freakin’ nose???”

  29. 11 minutes in Anna? I could actually feel you typing…As soon as this mess came on I knew yall be all over this

  30. I only watch ANTM to monitor the steady but sure mainstream media offensives to Lohanisize our young women. Thankfully, I made sure this weekend my young cousin would be busy prepping for her AP exams and not watching this crap. The show was very well done. So ummm real…Whenever I go to a indian restaurant with the ‘rents, my mom always embarrasses me by tring to teach all the white gils in the joint to tie a sari. Once in White Castle, she even went into all the regional variations…Gawd…So embarassing!!!!

    The curious comment about America not being ready for an Indian model was made by Tocarra not Ms. Thang, Banks. Not that you couldn’t fill up Bartlett with the other nonsensical things she spouts. The Banks/Campbell showdown was tre exciting. And there’s way too initrigue when Banks reveals who gets cut..she never gives it away…it’s like Election Nite..I’m counting closing districts, electoral votes, new exit polls etc. And J. Alexander is too disturbing for words.

  31. Not so much the ANTM girls, but the poor brown-background girls who look OH-SO bored to sit there with their legs crossed and arms up in flowery mudras

    So true. reminds me of Gwen Stefani’s silent Harajuku girls.

  32. RYR, don’t even start me on that heinous fetishism. Not being allowed to speak in public? You know she didn’t hire four desi chicks with that as a contract clause. Free the Gwenihana Four! 😉

  33. The ANTM website also has a caption contest where you can snark away. This week’s photo is from the scene where the Barney’s guy handed Nicole a 5-foot-long “sari” and told her to put it on.

    I kind of liked the part where the Barney’s guy told the girls about Bollywood, in a way that made it sound like some kind of enchanted fairy castle:

    “Girls, ‘BOLLYWOOD’ is the place where ALL the movies in ‘INDIA’ are made!”

  35. Don’t you women have anything else to do but talk negative about other women, women like Tyra who have worked hard to get where they are????? Is there not enough room for more than one black female talk show???? Of course Tyra looks up to Oprah, That’s what you call a ROLE MODEL. You women (if you get spastic and hot under the collar because I have a differing opinion, this probably applies to you) really do need to get a life…….other than TV and bashing other African American females. Why are so many of the comments on this blog so negative???

  36. Why are so many of the comments on this blog so negative???

    new to reality the blogosphere, are we?