Yet another arranged marriage story in New York magazine with oodles of exposition for those not in-the-know (thanks, Sital and Prashant). I’m guilty in this genre too, but my excuse: it was years ago for a desi mag. Some amusing bits:
Still rather prejudiced against meat-eaters, my father immediately discards responses from those with a “non-veg” diet. There is, however, a special loophole for meat-eaters who earn more than $200,000…Oddly, by the end of the night, he couldn’t remember my name. Nothing fazed Juan Carlos, however. He quickly jotted off a poem explaining his lapse: “I wrote your name in the sand, but a wave came and washed it away. I wrote your name in a tree, but the branch fell. I have written your name in my heart, and time will guard it…”“What are your qualifications?” I said I had a B.A. “B.A. only?” she responded. “What are the boy’s qualifications?” I flung back… She smirked: “He is M.D. in Kentucky only…” I grumbled, “Auntie, I will speak to the boy only.”Afterward, I was planning to meet my best friend, who’s gay, in a store, and I asked the guy to come in and say hello. My date became far more animated than he’d been before and even helped my friend choose a sweater…A few days after my 1st birthday… I fell out the window of a three-story building in Baltimore. My father recalls my mother’s greatest concern… “What boy will marry her when he finds out?” she cried, begging my father to never mention my broken arm…My friend Divya… stays out clubbing on her nights off. Imagine my surprise when I discovered she was on KeralaMatrimony.com, courtesy of her mother, who took the liberty of listing Divya’s hobbies as shopping and movies. (I was under the impression her hobbies were more along the lines of trance music and international politics…)My father saw my mother once before they got married… he lost sight of her at a bazaar the day after their wedding and lamented to himself that he would never find her again, as he’d forgotten what she looked like.
I love how she includes a photo and slyly drops in the H-bomb, because even though it’s just a feature piece, ‘ya never know.’ These stories are a kind of implicit personals for journies:
… my father placed matrimonial ads for me every couple of years… They read something like, “Match for Jain girl, Harvard-educated journalist, 25, fair, slim.”
That we all include our photos on this blog is, umm, sheer coincidence.
Funny thing is this isn’t at all uncommon. Kind of like what people want their potential spouse to know about them isn’t them at all.
hm. i don’t know what’s more dehumanizing & often ego-deflating, going out into the dating world or going through the arranged marriage process with family in tow. i think the key point is that partisans of both sides need to realize that niether option is really going to get around the basic facts of human nature and physiognomy 😉
i remember a female friend of mine (who was involved with a male stripper at the time) telling me she GOT a fax of a fax from her dad about some guy interested in her because he heard she got her degree in biology at brown and was pursuing her masters at colubmia…at the bottom his marriage C.V. it stated as part of his “objective” in BIG BOLD LETTERS, NO FAT.
“To an Indian, marriage is a matter of karmic destiny. There are many happy unions in the pantheon of Hindu gods—Shiva and Parvati, Krishna and Radha.”
I wonder if Anita’s parents have been misleading her on this one, but Krishna and Radha were never married to each other. Radha was a married woman several years older to Krishna and never saw him again after he left Vrindavan for Mathura. Krishna had several wives of his own, and yet it is Radha who is the consort of choice next to him in most temple depictions. Strange? You bet. Just goes to show that love and marriage in India are not as straightforward as the writer thinks or has been led to think.
nice catch on the H-bomb Manish! she did slip it in there very unassumingly. but i tend to take your view that she knew what she was doing.
odd picture to post though if you’re going to write about how you dumped someone who was really smart, generous, nice, etc. for being overweight. i’m afraid she herself would be disqualified for razib’s friend.
how ’bout the guy who “told” on me by sending my mom an email that i had not yet responded to his email and it had already been a week…he said “i’m not sure she’s serious about a committment if she can’t even respond to my email.”
I know it shouldn’t be these kinds of stories make me feel like a dork
i rationalize it by thinking that the main reason the indian guys in this story are dorks is because they are responding to profiles put up by the moms and dads. otherwise, this story is just like one big dork-fest of indians. i’m not one of them but i just hold out hope that there’s some indian dudes who are not dorks
*i’m not one of the cool guys
Good lord, I don’t know which sucks worse, arranged marriages or dating.
I think that as we get older and pass that magic Def-Con-5 chronological line of 30 years of age, we just tire of the same dating BS. If you’ve dated enough to know what you will and will NOT put up with, your required time to assess a potential partner decreases. Perhaps more reference points of comparison, perhaps experience narrows down your list of criteria…
the upside to our culture, despite the awkward dating and annoying prodding of Aunties, is that it lends itself to an open dialogue from the word “go”. In dating a westerner, it is probably not a good idea to ask them how much they make, what their qualifications are, or if they’re a mommy’s boy, or whatever, on the first date. (tried it. doesn’t go over)But you can roll up on a desi date and throw all your cards on the table, because if you’re of that age then it’s understood that you’re getting screened down for potential life-companionship. Or at least serious about your compatibility
Ironically the author still traffics in the exact same stereotypes she accuses her parents of; chiefly name-dropping Harvard and Pulitzer. My advice would be to grow up and marry whoever makes you happy.
Interesting read, but that girl is way too picky–I’m sure she will be single for a long time! The writer seems to think she is ‘all that’ while really, she may be educated, but she sounds really slutty and not the type who would be a faithful wife. (CBCD Girl)
I think she is unfit to get married and can better stay as single and have fun with guys as she is currently doing.. I pity the man who gets married to her as I am sure it will be a nightmare for him to live with such opinionated and unfaithful wife.
More often than not people are so used to people talking nonsense to them on first dates that if you tell them the truth it comes as very surprising and also attractive. Having to strengthen your character with BA s or what not just begs the question what is he/she compensating for. The bates “dates” i have been on have involved conversation which has barely touched on the academic or work side of life. Its just more exciting, different and above all not like talking to someones parents. “Spontaneous love”; isnt it something we all dream about when we are younger but slowly forget as time moves on. peace and love
Hello,
I am an American girl who is dating a desi guy. He is originally from India but has lived in the US for over 10 years. We have been dating for 10 months and plan on getting married. His family shares traditional views about arranged marriages. His sister had an arranged marriage and had to give up on her true love. She was told they knew best for her and she should marry someone else. Well she did not because she was much to afraid to go against her parents wishes. I just want to share that finding someone who you are madly in love with and knowing that it feels so righ based on shared moral standards, ambitions,goals and love that you share is amazing. I feel so sorry for people who will live life without knowing true love because it is the most beautiful thing that makes life all worth the while. I feel so sad by the fact that his sister like many Indian females are blackmailed into living lives they do not really want. I hope that this changes one day. Lets be realistic what are they afraid of? The premarital sex, divorse, cheating?? It is happening now and slowing changing in India. I hope that people will liberate their minds past old traditions. I think women and men should be given a choice. I had a choice and found the most amazing man in the world for me. I know I will make him a proud husband. I may not be Indian but I will be a good wife.
God bless.
Hi! I am JESSIE. I am a filipina, single mom and now working at UAE. I met my man at work. Our first meeting was strange. We’d became good friends in our workplace and time goes by there’s this special feelings we felt for each other. He is an indian national. His handsome, attractive and very nice to me. For now we’re dating every off and we’re knowing each other on the process. On our first date, He says that our meeting was a destiny. I don’t think so? I am a person who dont believe in destiny but now, I am starting to appreciate that word. I feel happy when I am with him same as him with me. We went to beach only the two of us. We are swimming under the big full moon. I could barely remember it was so romantic. We also walk the long aisle of Jumeirah Beach for three succeeding hours without any hesitaions. I know we both feel the same but the THING is, he is already engaged to his fellow indian girl- arranged by his parents. What to do? I am falling inlove already with him and same with him also. We’re both inlove, but what to do? Is there a possible for the two of us?? I need help…