{"id":1061,"date":"2005-02-12T11:12:49","date_gmt":"2005-02-12T16:12:49","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/sepiamutiny.com?p=1061"},"modified":"2005-04-13T13:21:36","modified_gmt":"2005-04-13T18:21:36","slug":"when_good_kids","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/sepiamutiny.com\/blog\/2005\/02\/12\/when_good_kids\/","title":{"rendered":"When good kids happen to bad parents"},"content":{"rendered":"

<\/a>In\ncase there’s any confusion, adopting a child from India is nothing like\nbuying an end table from Target — you do not get to return the former if\nhe or she does not work out in your home.<\/p>\n\n

Shockingly enough, there are otherwise intelligent and reasonable adults who\ndo not grasp this distinction. On a recent episode of “Dr. Phil,” the\nunderlying point needed to be drilled home to Melissa and Bobby<\/a>, a married\ncouple that adopted a child from India named AJ:<\/p>\n\n

\n

When they brought AJ home, things were not what they expected. “He did\nnot want to be held by us. He would cry and kick and scream whenever we tried\nto hold him,” Melissa explains. “We’re kind of like, ‘What\nhappened? Where did things go wrong?’ I do not love AJ and I wonder if\nI ever will.”<\/p>\n

Melissa and Bobby also learned that AJ has special needs. “I feel resentful.\nI didn’t bargain for that,” says Melissa. “I’ve told\nhim, ‘I wish we never adopted you,’ and I call him stupid. I thought\nI would grow to love him, but I feel like I’m forcing myself to love him.”<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n

There are two things in this world that you just don’t f–k with:
\n1. Wu-Tang Clan (obviously)
\n2. Dr. Phil<\/p>\n\n

The imposing Texan laid the smackdown on Melissa, and made hapless Bobby watch,\n’cause that’s how Dr. Phil rolls:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

“Do you have the right to be frustrated, scared, worried, doubtful,\nwondering? Absolutely you do, and that’s what the two of you can talk about.\nBut as to this child, he didn’t choose to be with you, he didn’t\nchoose to have this disease, he didn’t choose to have a scowl on his face,\nhe didn’t choose to be afraid and not be able to connect with you — he\ndidn’t choose any of that. He just is here. He’s just trying to survive\nand make it through. So the first thing we have to do is eliminate the negatives.\nYou’ve got to stop the criticism, stop the discipline, stop the expression\nof frustration because children are so sensitive they pick that up. What he needs\nto know is, ‘I’m accepted,’ ‘I’m loved,’ ‘I\nbelong,’ whether he’s earning it or not. He needs to feel unconditional\nlove.”<\/p>\n

If AJ’s not giving them the feedback they want, then they need to give\nit to each other. “It’s not his job to love you, it’s your\njob to love him,” Dr. Phil points out. “I promise you if you will\ndo this and keep doing it, it will be fine.” He also notes that AJ’s\nbehavior is situation specific because he does bond with other people. “So\nhe’s picking up something from you that’s causing him to say, ‘I’m\nnot safe here.’ And if you stop the negatives and introduce these positives\nwith the idea that you do it until, this young man will begin to receive and\nrespond and love.”<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n

<\/a>Luckily for Melissa and Bobby, they\ntook Dr. Phil’s advice to heart<\/a>, thus preventing the large-footed mammal\nfrom inserting his hoof into their collective asses:<\/p>\n\n

\n

“Most of the things Dr. Phil told us were really hard to hear,” admits\nMelissa. “I was feeling pretty angry at Dr. Phil, but the truth of the\nmatter is, he told it the way it was and we needed to hear the truth from him.\nSince the show, we have changed our parenting style … Recently AJ has told\nme that he loves me. He wants me to be happy. I never think about sending AJ\nback to India anymore.”<\/p>\n

“The show was definitely a wake-up call,” says Bobby, who has\nseen a change in their son. “Now AJ has been initiating a lot of conversations.\nI’m very happy that AJ is my son.”<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n

Despite the happy ending (for now), I feel this still underscores one absolutely\nfundamental truth — some jackasses just shouldn’t be allowed to raise\nchildren…or procreate…or drive on the 405 when it rains (sorry, that last\none was totally personal).<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

In case there’s any confusion, adopting a child from India is nothing like buying an end table from Target — you do not get to return the former if he or she does not work out in your home. Shockingly … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[4],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/sepiamutiny.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1061"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/sepiamutiny.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/sepiamutiny.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/sepiamutiny.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/8"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/sepiamutiny.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1061"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/sepiamutiny.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1061\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/sepiamutiny.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1061"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/sepiamutiny.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1061"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/sepiamutiny.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1061"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}