Category Archives: Humor

Ain’t nobody here but us chickens (updated)

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Poor Pervez. Too much pressure!

Two or three of the four London bombers may have visited Pakistan last year. Musharraf’s response? Blame the UK and tell it to get it’s own house in order.  Problem solved!

But the Little General didn’t get even one moment to rest. After Saturday’s bombings, the Egyptians started to look for six Pakistanis and things got uncomfortable again. Even after the Egyptians stated that the Pakistanis are not suspected of the bomb attack (it’s a “routine security check”) it still left a bad taste.

So “Our Man in Pakistan” decided to settle the matter once and for all. He called a press conference and told the world that “Al-Qaeda does not exist in Pakistan any more.”

Got that? Stop blaming Pakistan! No more hatin’!

Pakistan has destroyed al-Qaeda’s ability to operate on its soil, President Pervez Musharraf has said. He said the network could not have orchestrated deadly bombings in London, Egypt or elsewhere from his country. President Musharraf said al-Qaeda “sanctuaries” in Pakistan had been over-run, and that Pakistani security forces had arrested 700 of the movement’s fighters.

“We have shattered and eliminated their command system there,” he said. Al-Qaeda’s communications system had been reduced to a “courier network”.

“Is it possible in this situation that an al-Qaeda man sitting here, no matter who he is, may control things in London, Sharm al-Sheikh, Istanbul or Africa? This is absolutely wrong,” the president said.  [cite]

I feel so much safer now that he’s clarified all of this. Don’t you?

UPDATE: Radio Open Source has a show “at bat” on this subject, so you should check out their entry … Continue reading →

The quonset tunneling effect

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Russell Peters jokes that the only thing the desi accent is good for is cutting tension, while Vikrum Sequeira has decoded how the desi head wiggle signals affability. Indeed, you can usually count on desis to be friendly and amiable.

So when a certain Francis Devandra Raj dug a tunnel from Canada to the U.S., it was purely to promote cross-border comity. The three-by-five tunnel was fortified with rebar and concrete, lit and ventilated. In fact, this undercover brother’s purposes were so peaceful that he was using the tunnel to send serene B.C. bud into the grateful arms of American stoners everywhere.

I just can’t see why the U.S. government doesn’t agree 😉 They arrested Raj and two buddies from Surrey, B.C. yesterday on charges of drug smuggling. But one thing remains the same, desis’ pioneering nature. The tunnel is the very first cross-border subterranean passage between Canada and the U.S ever known to exist.

Federal agents have shut down an elaborate, 360-foot drug-smuggling tunnel dug underneath the U.S.-Canadian border — the first such passageway discovered along the nation’s northern edge… The tunnel ran from a quonset hut on the Canadian side and ended under the living room of a home on the U.S. side, 300 feet from the border. Built with lumber, concrete and metal reinforcing bars, it was equipped with lights and ventilation, and ran underneath a highway…

Francis Devandra Raj, 30; Timothy Woo, 34; and Jonathan Valenzuela, 27, of Surrey, British Columbia, were arrested Wednesday… Raj owns the property under the quonset hut. [Link]

The smugglers were apparently religious. I’d give anything to know which saints were found inside the tunnel — Bob Marley? Lakshmi, goddess of wealth? Or, more appropriately for a tunnel, Ganeshji, remover of obstacles?

That tunnel was 3 feet wide and 5 feet high with a concrete floor. It had wood-beam supports, fiberglass walls, ventilation, video security and groundwater-removal systems. Several altars with flowers and pictures of saints also were found inside. [Link]

The police used some pretty high-tech methods to find the tunnel. But really, all they had to do was look for a bunch of dudes with red eyes giggling hysterically.

Investigators used a machine that can “see” underground, a video-equipped robot, a drug-sniffing dog and an air horn to find it. [Link]

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I need a hug today

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amma.jpg

You know what I hate? When someone that isn’t me thinks of a good idea that I would be infinitely better suited to carry out. 🙂 Take Amma “the Hugging Saint,” (a.k.a. Mata Amritanandamayi) for example. People flock to her for a hug and give her money. I give good hug too. The Boston Herald reports:

On the road to enlightenment, no shoes are allowed. Hugs, however, are OK.

At least 3,000 devotees tossed off their footwear before gathering in the lotus position before the smiling Indian spiritual leader known as “Amma,” or mother, revered around the world as “The Hugging Saint.” At the Best Western Royal Plaza Trade Center, truth-seekers engaged in group meditation, then each grabbed a token, like deli counter tickets, to get their hugs.

Amma’s hugs have healing power, some said. Her fund-raising, meanwhile, has allowed her to pledge $22 million to tsunami relief, providing 81,000 meals a day, adopting 350 orphans and sheltering more than 6,000 survivors.

Okay, so here is my vision. We have Sepia Mutiny “hug-ins.” I will announce what city I am in and any reader can come by for a hug. Then we’ll see if our hugging spreads. Not at our North Dakota headquarters though. I don’t want people knowing where we live. After reading this article I suddenly wondered if Dave Matthews and Badly Drawn Boy are fans of Amma. Their respective videos for “Everyday” and “Year of the Rat” would indicate so. Whatever your opinion of Amma, AT LEAST she’s better than this guy.

badlydrawnhug.jpg

davehug.jpg Continue reading →

Alternative fuel?

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Isolated by the Himalayan and Karakoram mountain ranges, Ladakh (the largest district in Jammu and Kashmir) is the sort of place that requires planning ahead, thinking strategically and being prepared. Mountains aren’t the only obstacle to carefree living; challenges from snow mean the Manali-Leh highway from Himachal Pradesh is only open for a few months a year. So, if you are trying to sustain a community of a few thousand, it’s important to receive necessary supplies during that brief, crucial window when transporting them is possible. Ahem. I said it’s important:

The army of the Northern Command found seven tankers supposed to be carrying diesel to the Ladakh region had been filled with water instead.

Well, so much for THAT bit of strategery.

The army thinks middlemen sold off the fuel en-route from the filling depot.
The case has embarrassed the army, which needs to stock up on fuel before snows cover the mountain passes.

Colonel R.K. Sen, the spokesman for the Northern Command at Udhampur stated that a tip was received regarding the filched fuel. With the help of police, a raid proved the tip to be true. According to the Colonel, this sort of thievery is unheard of…apparently, no one ever thought to make off with several thousand litres of fuel before.

“It appeared the contents of these tankers were sold off either at Ambala [in the northern state of Haryana] itself or en-route to Leh.
“The incident has caused serious concern for the army as it needs to stock diesel, petrol and kerosene for the winter months before the mountain passes close in September and October.”

While promising a thorough investigation into the case, Police have already zeroed in on the drivers of the tankers, for their inability to pass gas successfully to Ladakh. Continue reading →

Abs-olutely amusing

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Take THIS, you…wankers:

Indian police forced around 200 people caught watching pornography to do sit-ups in public to shame them and keep them away from theaters that illegally screen smutty movies.

Apparently, police in Orissa’s Balasore district raided a theater that was showing a flesh flick. After collecting the perverted perps (some of whom were as young as 17), authorities forced them to work on their abs in the town square. No females were apprehended during the raunch-raid.

As if having to vow that they wouldn’t watch porn again (ha!) wasn’t bad enough, parents of the perps were invited to watch the public spectacle. Eye-witness accounts haven’t corroborated my assumption that these mummies and deddies waited for their precious sons with chappals firmly in hand. It’s safe to assume that asses all over Balasore were…sore…later. 😉

Police officer Sanjeev Panda said authorities carried out the public shaming after attempts to get theatres in district not to show pornography had failed.
“So we decided to crack down on the audience,” Panda was quoted in the newspaper, which also reported that police in Orissa planned to integrate such public punishments into their general campaign against pornography.

You can prevent porn from being screened in theaters, but you can’t get it off mobile phones:

The latest craze is pornographic Multi-Media Messaging clips, some of which allegedly show Bollywood actresses engaged in sexual acts.

Thanks Srinath, for the tip. Continue reading →

To me, “HP” will always mean Hewlett-Packard ;)

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potter.jpgThough I’ll never, EVER share in your ecstasy, I sincerely hope that all of you Harry Pot-heads out there (ahem, achoo, cough, Ennis) are enjoying your weekend of magic and mediocre prose. I keed, I keed!

All over the world, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince is dominating the news, most stores and quite a few lives right about now. On the right, these two bespectacled little boys in New Delhi who are holding their prized “bricks” are so cute, I’ve forgotten to smirk.

Meanwhile, this gaggle of adorable children attended a Harry Potter party in Calcutta. And the rest of you? Did you don capes and wave magic wands at similar? Or are you too busy reading through the sixth HP to admit to such activities? 😀 calcutta.jpg

Oh, and before you hurl it at me below, of course I agree with the oft-proffered declaration that “at least it gets kids to read”, though I’m astonished that you have to get them to do so in the first place. As a child, my parents punished me by taking away my library card. I did not require Dumbledores, muggles, quidditch or other J.K. Rowling-created concepts to inspire me to pick up a book. But whatever. (Cue the comment thread where we all attempt to out-do each other with tales of bibliophilia/nerdery and…begin.) Continue reading →

Desi finally corrupts Hollywood

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The guy who played Cooter on The Dukes of Hazzard complains that the new Dukes movie has too much humpin’ ‘n cussin’:

“… to take a classic family show and do that is like taking ‘I Love Lucy’ and making her a crackhead or something…” [Link]

“… the “Dukes” movie is a sleazy insult to all of us who have cared about the “Dukes of Hazzard” for so long… I think the whole project shows an arrogant disrespect for our show, for our cast, for America’s families, and for the sensibilities of the heartland of our country… Sure it bothers me that they wanted nothing to do with the cast of our show, but what bothers me much more is the profanity laced script with blatant sexual situations that mocks the good clean family values of our series.” [Link]

Cooter then took a big bite of apple pie, saluted the flag, and then rolled himself back underneath a replica of the General Lee. [Link]

Good clean family values? These good clean family values? 🙂

Cooter says the song ‘Dazzy Dukes’ is a church hymn, cameltoe is what you find on a dromedary, and Bo and Luke’s ass-tight jeans are heartland values. So director Jay Chandrasekhar, stoner flick impresario, is now officially the first desi to corrupt Hollywood. And he’s Tamil, no less.

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Here’s to you, Mrs…William

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All right, stop what you’re doing, ’cause I’m about to ruin…the substance and the style that you’re used to… 😉 Kindly allow me get your mind off that toxic Us vs. Them, anti-ABCD debate. Instead of feeding trolls, peep THIS Hindustan Times article with shotacon overtones :

A 45-year-old Indian woman who operated a telephone sex service has been jailed for five years for seducing a 16-year-old boy, a report said on Wednesday.
Persis William was also fined 2,000 rupees (46 dollars) for having “illicit intercourse with a minor” and using him for “immoral purposes” in a house in Mumbai, a leading newspaper said.

The impressionable youth first called the sex line in 2000. After several months of chee-chee talk, the pervy Mrs. William upgraded from phone call to booty call. Or…perhaps “sugar momma” would be a more apposite term:

She gave him a gold chain, a shirt and three pairs of jeans. The boy stayed with her for 16 days during which time they had sexual intercourse, the newspaper said.

When the boy’s concerned parents contacted the authorities about their missing son, the police found him with his Ephebophiliac lovah. Now before you flame-broil me over it…yes, yes…I feel mildly guilty for my amusement at this story, because if the genders were reversed, I surely would’ve raised an arch. Still, if you think I’m depraved for that inexcusable double-standard, then just remember– I once voted and worked for the GOP. Now that’s some hard-core evil, right thurr. 😉 Continue reading →

One-Track Uncle

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When growing up desi, you learn through painful experience to avoid One-Track Uncle at family parties. Whether it’s the greatness of fifth-century India, the importance of religion, American politics or the problem with ‘yooth’ these days, One-Track Uncle has a favorite harangue which he’s made his own soliloquy. And there are usually several of them at a party. With a little samosa and a little beer, you can usually get a circle of uncles launching monologues at each other and pretending to listen. They’ll politely ha-ha and not so subtly change the subject back to their own particular obsessions.

If only they had blogging back in the day.

So it surprises me not at all to find that One-Track Uncle also appears at the grandaddy of all circle jerks, the presidential press conference. Meet Raghubir Goyal, an Indian reporter whose obsession with Pakistan has become the subject of much humor inside the Beltway:

“The 32-minute pummeling was perhaps the worst McClellan received since he got the job two years ago… [he] robotically refused to answer no fewer than 35 questions about Rove and the outing of the CIA’s Valerie Plame.”… Pummeled by tough questions, McClellan time and again reached for a lifeline. His first… was “Raghubir Goyal of the India Globe, who reliably asks about Pakistan — and did so again…” That gambit had a payoff for McClellan: Once it seemed clear that the mumbling Goyal was just warming up, CNN chose to cut away from its live coverage of the briefing. [Link]

The idea is it becomes a feeding frenzy in the press room — you’re just getting hammered with question after question you don’t really want to answer, but if you’re careful you can call on somebody like Mr. Goyal, who’s known to all as Goyal, who will predictably ask you about isn’t it time we start bombing Pakistan, because he’s representing an Indian point of view… you can pretty reliably change the subject… [Link]

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