Category Archives: Humor

Where did the love go…

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Oh nooooo…..just two weeks ago, Jhaan mentioned Satya Paul: Indian fashion designer, creator of beautiful saris, a man who didn’t rush to the tacky embrace of East-meets-West “fusion” clothing, the very antithesis of my favorite whipping boy, Anand Jon. sepiasatyaredsari.jpg

Well, apparently succumbing to the siren song of “global presence,” Satya Paul presents his April 2005 India Fashion Week collection in NY tonight. From the press release:

Satya Paul, the premier Indian designer label recognized internationally for its haute couture, saris, fabrics, neckties and accessories, is unveiling a dazzling new collection of apparel and drapes in New York. The collection will be modeled by Indian beauty queens and film stars at a gala benefit at the Broadway Ballroom of the Marriot Marquis, on Saturday, September 10, at 7:00 pm.

But wait! Before you grab your wallet and run out the door – there’s more:

The multi-media show will highlight a fusion of the East and West. The mythological Sita – heroine of the Indian epic, the Ramayana – will be “teamed” with Madonna, the entertainment legend. The Madonna who appears in Satya Paul’s collection mirrors the star in her self confidence and sophistication. At her core is Sita, the woman of timeless elegance, mystery and purity. Satya Paul’s collection brings out the sensuality of the East, blended with the gritty worldliness of the West.

Just so you don’t miss this fusion, the collection is named Madonna Meets Sita. The timeless Eastern elegance of Sita, wrapped in the Western confidence of Madonna….get it?

(I wonder if they’ll play “Like a Virgin” as the models strut the ramp…..I’m sure Madonna wouldn’t resist a man with ten heads, either…..j/k!! don’t send Hanuman after me too!! ) Continue reading →

They come baring gifts

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Check out how this Brit-influenced Bollywood review reads in American English:

[Salaam Namaste] has a frothy first half and an emotion-filled second half with the climax that warms the very cockles of your heart. And, as a bonus, there is a cameo by Abhishek Bachchan at the fag end. [Link]

Someone needs to take a rubber to the end of that review. It’s the kind of movie review-cum-double entendre which I’d never plunge into. At least not without a safe word.

Not that Americans don’t do the same, only it’s intentional. Ang Lee’s new gay cowboy Western is entitled Brokeback Mountain. The subtlety of the encoding is truly humbling. Heath Ledger and Donnie Snarko stare longingly at each other for the entire length of the trailer, but heaven forbid that they act. The love that dare not, is the wet sari that must not.

I say let the rainbow flag fly. Bollywood has long repaid the compliment.

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Apology issued for mislabeled “package”

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I bet you are all wondering (well at least those that swing from a particular side of the plate) what’s under that forbidden black box (who says SM only features pics of hot women?).  Seyd tips me off to yet another one of those “I can’t believe they put a Hindu icon on that,” controversies (see previous 1,2).  Now my position on this is that I personally don’t care one way or another since I don’t concern myself with religious icons.  Other people get upset and sue over this stuff and it’s their prerogative to do so.  So what is the situation here?  Rainbownetwork.com has the details:

DNA Magazine, Australia’s top gay publication, has censored their latest cover in an effort to quell outrage from the Hindu community.

The cover features male fitness star Matt Walch wearing a Roberto Cavalli brief that is screen printed with an image of the Hindu goddess Laxmi.

In a letter to the Hindu community, Editor Andrew Creagh, apologized for the offence and let it known that the magazine had no “deliberate intention to cause offence, antagonize or show disrespect to people of the Hindu faith.”

He added that the magazine was “unaware that the garment portrayed a specific Hindu deity.”

That sounded like a pretty sincere apology.  I mean he’s not going to pull the magazine off the shelves or anything because then they’d lose money, but at least on their website there is a black box over the bacon.  What truly offends me is that the picture is of the goddess Laxmi.  If they had even half a brain they would have more appropriately offended the Hindu community by using an iconic image of the Hindu diety that is associated with the Lingam.

Also, although I’ve been meaning to invest in a good thong, I don’t think that I would buy this design. The last thing I need is for a conflicted Hindu girl to re-discover religion at the…ummm…wrong moment.

So you guys want to see what is under that black box?  Click below (might not be safe for work).

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How to make Karanjees via WaPo

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karanjee.jpg I feel like typing “Happy Ganesh Utsav“, but I’m 99.9% certain that’s incorrect, inapposite and just plain inane. Surely I will suffer a beat-down for my cheekiness; I implore you to bear in mind (while you are paddling me) that I’m just a simple Christian girl from Coconut land/God’s own country who has no idea what this snack even IS. 😉

It’s well-established that I’m reading whenever I’m on the metro and half the time I’m doing that, I’m actually scanning the articles for sepia-tinted stories which I can bring you here. 🙂 Normally, I find brown down ’round the front page; yesterday, I was slightly surprised to see that my “local” paper’s Food section was where the mutiny was at. Et voila, an article by Priya Phadke to coincide with a certain deity’s partay. I’ve seen hundreds of recipes in WaPo, but this is the first desi one that I’ve noticed.

Priya is the assistant art director for The Post’s Sunday Source, a.k.a. the section I love most and thus save for Georgetown, Dean and Deluca and cappuccino-soaked Sunday afternoons. Here’s what our dear artiste had to say about what you guys are going to be making (and then sending to North Dakota, please. Thanks!):

In the three years since I moved to the United States from Mumbai, as Bombay is now called, I get most homesick during festive seasons. My maternal grandmother nani would make comfort food, and her karanjees are what I miss most.
Karenjees are dough stuffed with soft, shredded coconut that is flavored with cardamom, saffron, sugar and Gulkand, a rose petal jam that lends a distinctive flavor and fragrance and sets my nani’s karanjees apart from all others.

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More proof that Starbucks is evil? ;)

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foamy rules.jpg I must have something to read near me at all times. On those rare occasions when I have “free time”, before I leave the house, I make sure I have at least a magazine (and my moleskine, and my camera andÂ…) with me, so that IÂ’ll be able to read. Life insists on making us pause unexpectedly when weÂ’d rather be achieving, mischief-making or just crossing another item off of our to-do lists; the only reason hyperactive me doesnÂ’t mind this immutable fact is because it means I get to read.

When I was a child, if I couldnÂ’t find the newspaper, IÂ’d read the back (or side) of the cereal box while crunching away on Rice Krispies. I still do this. IÂ’ll read anything, if IÂ’m desperate enough. When I found a job in a building that sits on top of a metro stop, I was overjoyed. The Washington Post got a phone call and I got a subscription to read during my 16-minute commute, each way. Sometimes, I canÂ’t help myself, I start reading the minute IÂ’m out my front door, on the block-and-a-half walk to the subway (yes, I am aware of how lucky I am to live next to and work on top of public transportationÂ…if you want to gnash your teeth even harder out of envy, know this: home and work are on the SAME metro line. No transferring for me, no siree Babu).

Speaking of having to pause when I’d rather be “achieving”, Wednesdays are for staff meetings. Over the last few weeks, it’s become a tradition to get overpriced yuppie beverages in preparation for such events. Unfortunately for indie-coffee shop lovinÂ’ me, there are no less than four Starbucks within a half-mile radius, combined with three Cosi and not one damned other choice in sight. While I go out of my way to avoid the mer-mascotted former, the latter (RIP: x and o) isnÂ’t even worth that effort, since their coffee tastes like punishment for wasting money.

Truthfully, some of the best coffee IÂ’ve had on the right coast came from my old bodega in midtown, on 8th avenue in the theater district. IÂ’d be tickled to the point of swooning right now if I could still hand the smiling, wordless Korean guy who owned the place (and whom I adored) a single dollar for a cup that would magically never spill though it was placed in a humble little paper bag vs in one of those fancy, carefully molded egg-carton-y drink holders. That freshly brewed, unpretentious elixir was brightened with my choice of parmalat milks (which were nestled in the ice of the salad bar) and sweetened with an open pot of sugar (which offered a communal spoon); there were no sleek nissan flasks or individual packets of white dust which give lab rats cancer, nor were there little shakers for cinnamon, nutmeg and pixiedust. THAT coffee tasted like love, and it was served in an iconic container which became even more famous when SJP caressed it during every other ep of SATC. IÂ’m 225 miles from THAT perfection, hours away from a city that doesn’t frown at me when I insist on ordering with quaint adjectives like small, medium, large. Sigh. Continue reading →

Oh Oh. It’s a Patel wedding

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One of my closest friends is getting married this Thanksgiving.  We went to the same high school in Maryland and were roommates at the University of Michigan.  I know his lovely fiancé as well (she coincidentally has the same last name).  With two months to go I was starting to look for a present for them.  Then, both FOBish and Neha sent in this tip.  In Neha’s words “Kaliyug  is upon us for sure.”  The Telegraph reports:

Young Patels getting married in Britain apparently expect the most expensive wedding gifts from their guests, according to research conducted by John Lewis, the Oxford Street department store.

On their “wish list” are items such as plasma television screens — they alone cost £5,000 each — Royal Doulton crockery, champagne stoppers and top-of-the-range fridge-freezers.

John Lewis picked four of the most common surnames in Britain by consulting the Office of National Statistics — Patel, Jones, Smith and Cohen — and compared their wedding gift lists.

Ha!  Patel is the new Jones.  I’m a bit skeptical of the so-called “research” cited in this article though.  To be fair, my friend and his fiance are not at all like the couples described in this article.  If they secretly are then they are going to be sorely disappointed by their broke-ass friends.

… research done by John Lewis reveals that Indians are becoming as shameless as the English. Young Patel couples come into the store before the wedding and draw up their ideal list by choosing from the 500,000 goodies that are available. They think nothing of sticking the priciest gifts on their list…

Mr and Mrs Jones tend to ask for cheaper gifts such as hammocks, champagne buckets and coffee makers, with a £500 barbecue the most expensive item asked for.

Mr and Mrs Smith go for sofas, board games and microwave equipment for the kitchen. Although John Lewis would not dream of saying so, they seem even duller than the Jones.

Mr and Mrs Cohen request items such as fondue sets, Le Creuset pans and egg poachers from their wedding guests. Again, their taste leaves much to be desired.

I’m sorry but I’m with the Patels on this one.  If someone brings me a board game or a fondue set then they are dead to me.  Here is the take-away message:

McCulloch said: “Our latest research has highlighted some fascinating insights into wedding list preference, including the fact that couples with the same surnames are more likely to have similar wedding gifts. If you are after the ultimate and most opulent wedding lists, full of luxury goods and sensational extravagances, then it’s keeping up with the Patels that really counts.”

The Kali Yuga is upon us all.

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Rainy day friends

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With all the bad news about the weather, I thought I would try to lighten things up a bit. It turns out that some people really like the rain, and South Asian countries are creating a monsoon tourism industry around them:

The Indian tourist industry has created tours and activities aimed at rain-starved Arab visitors. Open-air discotheques are billed as “rain dance floors.” Tour operators peddle sight-seeing trips, or “rain walks,” as relaxing excursions for “introspection” and “family bonding.”

The Indian state of Goa first started marketing itself as a monsoon destination about five years ago. Resorts in India and northern Pakistan began seeing more Arabs eager to experience the novelty of rain. Posters went up in travel agencies in the Gulf nations of U.A.E., Qatar and Kuwait, beckoning residents to “Come Feel the Rain.” Goa, on India’s west coast, says it attracted 55,000 Arab visitors during last year’s monsoon season, nearly three times as many as two years earlier.

“We’ve seen steady growth in business from them, all of it during the monsoon months,” between June and early September, says Pamela Mascarenhas, deputy director of Goa’s state department of tourism. [cite]

This is very clever counter-cyclical business development. Usually resorts are only bustling during the dry season, and have to make enough money then to cover their expenses during the rainy season. Now they can use their capacity year round, thus increasing their earnings and dramatically cutting their exposure to risk.

As a child, my father would have loved to go on a vacation like the one described. He grew up in a very dry part of Punjab and was fascinated to discover that there were places in the world that got over 10 feet of rain a year. He instantly wanted to move to one of these places and was disappointed when my grandfather wasn’t ready to uproot the family and move to a tropical rainforest!

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Hacker’s Delight

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Busybee brings us an update on the case against Jasmine Singh, a NJ based, 17 year-old Sikh hacker:

sepiahack.jpg

An Indian-American teenager, described by prosecutors as an online gangster, was sentenced to five years in prison by a New Jersey Superior Court judge last month for hacking into online businesses, costing them over $1.5 million in revenue losses.

In addition to serving the sentence, Jasmine Singh, 17, of Edison in Middlesex County, New Jersey, was also ordered by Judge Frederick DeVesa to pay restitution to the tune of $35,000.

“Online gangster?” Hyperbole, thought I, until further search lead me right back, natch, to the SepiaMutiny archives, where Manish brilliantly explains how this kid controlled over 2,000 PCs using a Trojan horse named “Jennifer Lopez.” He promised naked pics, gullible horndogs lost their computers.

So beta did a bad, bad, thing.

A very bad thing. Techworld has a write-up that sounds glamorously close to the plot of Hackers, only sadly, no Angelina Jolie: Continue reading →

South Africa out of Sunali’s Nose! (slightly updated)

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Philadelphia, September of 2002.

“OhMyGod”, was the greeting my mummy blurted out instead of her customary, “Hi, mone”. “When did THAT happen?”

“Two weeks ago, Ma.”

“But…why?”

I shrugged. “Felt like it.”

“You know that’s not something a Christian girl should do,” she replied, eyebrows undulating with disapproval and consternation.

“Only Hindu girls can get their noses pierced?”

“Only Hindu girls SHOULD get their noses pierced.”

“Pashu tatti. It’s a cultural thing, Ma. Not religious.”

My mother snorted before telling me where I could store my opinions on culture and religion. “It IS a Hindu tradition. Maybe even a Muslim one. Try it with someone dumber than your Mother, edi.”

Anne Martin, the principal of Durban Girls High School in South Africa should have called my mom when she needed an expert opinion on whether piercing one’s nose is a “culturally-based rather than religious” practice. 😉

Who is Anne Martin? Why should she defer to my almighty Mom? Read on:

Sunali Pillay, 16, took her case to the Durban Equality Court claiming that she was being unfairly discriminated against by her Durban Girls High School which was not allowing her to wear a nose ring in accordance with her religious beliefs.

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Shopaholic India

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So now we know why I can shopping spree like a champion– it’s in my genes. (Thanks, 43 Seconds.)

According to the annual Conventional Arms Transfers to Developing Nations report (pdf)–widely considered the most comprehensive source on global weapons sales–India’s got so many shopping bags full of “tanks, submarines, combat aircraft, missiles and ammunition”, her arms are sore. 😉

India was the leading buyer of conventional arms among developing nations in 2004, a report for the US Congress says. The Congressional Research Service said Delhi agreed the transfer of $5.7bn in weapons, ahead of China. [Beeb]
India was also the leading developing world purchaser over the 1997-2004 period covered in the report, sealing 10% of all such arms agreements.[Beeb]

Yes, yes, the US is the biggest “weapons mall” of them all, with around a third of all contracts. It’s the mall of America, if you will. Oh wait, we already have one of those.

Keeping up with the Wongs’?

India negotiated $15.7bn in agreed transfers of conventional weapons between 1997 and 2004 to top the list.[Beeb]
China overtook India for the period 2001-2004 on the back of a big increase in defence budget, but India was back on top for 2004 alone.[Beeb]

Enlighten me, do you think this is a good thing to be “on top” of? Continue reading →