Category Archives: Humor

If you dare, write short-shorts

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Today is Friday and that means that at some point in the next 21 hours, I’m going to write 55 words which contain an entire story. I’m not that big on memes but this one (“55 Fiction Fridays”) is precious to me, because it reminds me of writing exercises and workshops and english minor-y goodness. Por ejemplo:

She nervously adjusted her sari, hoping no one noticed. So far, the night had gone flawlessly; she had made a good impression on everyone, she could just tell.

The older woman at the table noted how silk was tugged upwards. Taking a delicate sip of tea, she thought, “She’s not good enough for our family.”

I’ve consistently written one of these uber-short shorts for weeks now, but last week was the first time a fellow mutineer noticed. Abhi’s interest in the concept of nanofiction made me ponder the possibility that some of YOU would find it fascinating as well. If I further needed to justify making a mutiny out of it, know this: the good Professor Guest Blogger himself reads my “55” and I am aware of this because he referenced one at the last NYC meetup. Not that I need to defend it or anything… 😉

Flash fiction, also called sudden fiction, micro fiction, postcard fiction or short-short fiction, is a class of short story of limited word length. Definitions differ but is generally accepted that flash fiction stories are at most 200 to 1000 words in length. Ernest Hemingway wrote a six-word flash: “For sale. Baby shoes. Never worn.” Traditional short stories are 2,000 to 10,000 words in length.[wiki]

That Hemingway example is ridiculously inspiring. One day I want to write a short that short. I don’t even know if there is a name for a short so short. There is, however, a name for the type of writing this meme encourages:

One type of flash fiction is the short story with an exact word count. An example is 55 Fiction or Nanofiction. These are complete stories, with at least one character and a discernible plot, exactly 55 words long.[wiki]

The virus is spreading throughout the brown blogosphere. SM readers Maisnon, Andrea and Chai are the three whom I go out of my way to check on (hee! no pressure, kids!), but if you decide to try it, please leave a link to your work of art in the comments. I’ll be happy if you flash me. 🙂 Continue reading →

New evidence uncovered about Gandhi’s assasination

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A while back Jon Stewart of the Daily Show ran a clip demonstrating how often people overuse references to Adolf Hitler when talking about some political move they disagree with.  I would like to forward that Gandhi references are similarly thrown about with reckless abandon.  Former SM heart-throb Apul (who will be performing tomorrow night at 10p.m.) brings to my attention the latest such reference:

It’s nearly a year since Tara Reid popped out of her dress at Diddy/ Puff Daddy/ P Diddy/ Puffy’s 35th birthday party – and she’s finally spoken out about Taragate.

The American Pie star promises she’s finally got her “hooters under control” and says she can’t believe the storm it caused – as if her boob “popped out and shot Gandhi”.

Tara was left blithely exposed as the cameras flashed at Sean Combs’ bash, exposing a pretty major nipple scar.

I am actually stunned that she knew Gandhi was shot but that doesn’t make the statement any less idiotic.  Here is ESPN’s Dan Patrick (DP) interviewing Dallas Mavericks (now Suns) point guard Steve Nash (SN) a few years ago:

DP: Gandhi is your hero, right? Is there a Gandhi-like player in the NBA?
SN: Gandhi-like player in the NBA? I don’t know a Gandhi-like person in the world.
DP: Well, what position would Gandhi have played?
SN: He would definitely have been a point … but you can make a case for every position, because I think the man had a lot of power. He was definitely small, so probably point guard. But I think he would have been the most versatile player in league history.

Sheesh.  Anyone have other examples?

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Peace, love and breakfast cereal

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The 3HO group of Sikh converts in the U.S. has made a small fortune on health food (thanks, commenters). Now, with real corn!

So the ginger asked the almond, “Could you make me a snack?” and the almond said, “Kazam! You’re a snack.”

What did the peanut say to the cashew? Gesundheit! [Link]

Waheguru ji ka khalsa, waheguru ji ki granola bar? I gotta say, their sense of humor is authentically desi. Let’s not forget Yogi Tea, which tells us you don’t have to work your way into exotique, you can just drink it (via Tilo). On camelback in front of the Taj, apparently.

Exotic Teas: Savor the enchanting flavor and sweet aroma of spices from around the world… [Link]

Peace Cereal, a million dollar biz, pitches nirvana via breakfast cereal. It’s a Ben & Jerinder’s business model:

Peace Cereal has promoted the transformative power of peace by donating 10% of our profits to peace building organizations, resulting in more than $1 million in donations. [Link]

They even have a warm and fuzzy founder story like the one on every package of Mrs. Fields. When Yogi Bhajan baked his first batch of authentic guru cookies…

In 1969 Yogi Bhajan began teaching Kundalini Yoga in America, sharing the ancient wisdom of Ayurveda and healthy living that he had mastered in India. After each class he would serve his students a special spice tea based upon this healing science, which they affectionately named Yogi Tea… Golden Temple (bulk granolas), Peace Cereal (packaged cereals), Wha Guru Chew (candy bars), Herbal Gems (capsulated herb formulas), Sunshine (body care products) and Soothing Touch (professional massage products), were some of the companies… [Link]

Other parts of their empire: Ancient Healing Ways, Yogi Botanicals.

The whole thing strikes me as a cross between the friars who support themselves with wine, fruitcake and Web design and the same consumer couture which gags my bullshit sensor on Solano Ave. I’m more impressed with their business savvy. At least they have a sense of humor about it.

Related posts: one, two, three

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No sex please, we’re Indian

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As in all things, advertisements depict a rosier world than the one we actually live in. The Kama Sutra references in Manish’s post below make it seem like India is becoming more sexually liberal, but a recent story from the BBC points out that India is still quite repressed. In this case, a couple was threatened with jail for public indecency.

What did they do? They kissed … at their wedding:

An Israeli couple being married in India have found that you may not kiss the bride – the pair were fined $22 for indecency for their wedding embrace. A court in Rajasthan imposed the fine after Alon Orpaz and Tehila Salev had decided to get married in a traditional Hindu ceremony in Pushkar. Priests were offended when the couple kissed and hugged during the chanting of religious verses. The apologetic couple said they were unaware public kissing was banned.

The couple, who had met in India while travelling separately, paid the 1,000-rupee fine for “committing an act of indecency” to avoid a 10-day jail sentence. [Link]

[UPDATE: Reader Dhaavak points us to a recent AFP file photo of a young couple making out in a Delhi park. Check out their body language: he has his hands on his hips, and she’s fixing her dupatta.]

Nor is this the only case of legal action for absurdly minor PDA. Three years ago, Pune university enacted a ban on kissing, hand-holding or even cuddling on campus:

Action will be taken against couples found holding hands!

An Indian university has declared its campus a strict “no love” zone, declaring a ban on kissing and hand-holding on its grounds. The vice chancellor of western India’s Pune university, Ashok Kolaskar, says courting couples could damage the reputation and social values of the 100-year-old institution.

“Action will be taken against couples found holding hands, kissing or indulging in any form of public display of affection,” warns a notice signed by [sic] the Mr Kolaskar.  [Link]

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Food for Ogling, er, I mean, Thought

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I believe I lead a call for more sexy sepia men on the Mutiny, but now that a reader sent in some pics, (thanks Ananya) I’m not sure what to think. (mental note: research loopholes and plausible deniability) sepiaPETAchili.jpg

Over on the right, we have John Abraham, the 6’1″, half-Keralite/half-Parsi, 1999 winner of Gladrags Manhunt India. Let me hasten to add that he’s now fast becoming an established Ahctor with roles in Dhoom, Water, Viruddh and the soon-to-be released Baabul, among others. The last two with none other than the Daddy-O of Hindi cinema, his excellency Amitabh Bachchan.

As an avowed vegetarian, Abraham recently posed for a PETA India campaign to release caged birds, (see the sexy results below), but it’s this latest poster promoting vegetarianism that caught our tipster’s eye. “Abraham appears dressed in green onions, chilies and what looks like green peas,” s/he succinctly writes. Am I the only one rather turned off by this pic? I dunno, but a scallion grass skirt covering a man’s tender parts entirely makes me lose my appetite. For anything. And what’s with that highly ridiculous crown of chilies? Is this a pun on hotness?

“I’m against cruelty of any kind. That’s why I’m associated with PETA and work against cruelty to animals. Though I’m not the moral police, I’d like people to be considerate to other living beings,” he says. [link]

Sure, sure, but what about cruelty to men, eh? I think forcing a man to wear vegetables surely counts in that category. Continue reading →

Good ice cream can be a spiritual experience

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The new Brit blog Pickled Politics links to a funny story that you just have to see to believe:

The design on the lid apparently looks like the word ‘Allah’ in Arabic.

One customer told the Sun the design was “sacreligious”. BK says: “As a result of feedback our supplier is amending the design.” MCB’s Inayat Bunglawala: “We commend the sensitive and prompt action to prevent any hurt being caused to the religious sensibilities of others.”

It beggars belief that the Muslim Council of Britain keep giving credence to these stupid stories with their own quotes. For god’s sake, it only gives the impression that all Muslims are hyper-sensitive. BK should never have changed this, I haven’t seen a single campaign or email about this issue.

The Scotsman fills in the ridiculous details:

The offending lid was spotted in a branch in Park Royal last week by business development manager Rashad Akhtar, 27, of High Wycombe.

He was not satisfied by the decision to withdraw the cones and has called on Muslims to boycott Burger King. He said: “This is my jihad. How can you say it is a spinning swirl? If you spin it one way to the right you are offending Muslims.”

A Muslim Council spokesman said: “We commend the sensitive and prompt action that Burger King has taken.”

Mmmmm.  Softserve ice cream.  Obviously Akhtar has never got his swirl on otherwise he’d know that, that is in fact what a tight spiral on a softserve cone looks like.  My college dorm at UMich had a softserve ice cream machine.  Every day I’d come back from the gym and make two glasses of softserve milkshakes with dinner.  Intending no offense I ask you, is it so wrong to be reminded of God when contemplating the goodness of ice cream?

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Weird Al, meet weird Vik

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We asked for just one little thing: stop it with the crappy FOB parodies. But no, you just had to make another one, didn’tcha

This new one by parodists MC Vikram and Ludakrishna is pretty cute: ‘Curry Rice Girl‘ is ‘Hollaback Girl’ as a cry of matrimonial despair (thanks, Anita). This shit is bananas, B-I-O-D-A-T-A!

The sad thing is, this slapstick in-joke is indistinguishable from most ABCD movies on fast forward.

Watch the video. Here’s a backup torrent (you need a BitTorrent downloader: Windows, Mac).

Similar parodies: one, two, three, four

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I See U

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SM Los Angeles BureauSeveral countries are miffed at Google right now.  Its new service Google Earth makes it possible for any Joe Blow to obtain satellite pics of say…the layout of a military installation.  The Register reports:

The recent news that South Korea is to take the US to task over Google Earth images which expose its military installations to close Commie scrutiny has provoked a mini stampede of other peace-loving nations eager to protect their assets from prying eyes.

Enter stage right Thailand, which says it may ask Google to “block images of important state buildings vulnerable to attack”. Armed forces spokeschap Major General Weerasak Manee-in told Reuters: “We are looking for possible restrictions on these detailed pictures, especially state buildings. I think pictures of tourist attractions should do, not crucial places which could threaten national security…”

Manee’s Sri Lankan counterpart, Brigadier Daya Ratnayake, admitted it was a “serious concern if anyone could get detailed images of sensitive installations and buildings”, but added: “This is a new trend, we will first have to see whether, in this day and age, if this a considerable threat to national security…”

India agrees. Reuters quotes an anonymous security official there as confirming that “the issue of satellite imagery had been discussed at the highest level but the government had concluded that ‘technology cannot be stopped’…” [Link]

I love that last line “technology cannot be stopped.”  It has a very Terminator-esque quality to it.  I however agree with all of the above sentiments but for selfish reasons of my own.  You see, I have been using satellite images for over FIVE years now.  Websites like Globeexplorer.com have been making satellite pics available for those that wanted them for years.  I’ll tell you what, there is nothing that will make a girl take you more seriously than emailing her a satellite picture of her house the morning after your first date.  I have done this after more than one date.  Seriously.  Also, why do you think we chose an underground complex for our Sepia Mutiny world headquarters in North Dakota?  It certainly isn’t because North Dakota is safe.  It is in fact anomalously perilous.  No.  We chose it so as to avoid prying eyes.  Your prying eyes.  Our Los Angeles Bureau offices on the other hand can easily be spotted from the sky (in case anyone wants to keep the LA Bureau Chief company).

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Forget Starbucks, Wal-Mart is evil!

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walmart blows.jpg

In a development that will not surprise anyone, mammoth retailer and purveyor o’ crap Wal-Mart is getting sued for ignoring the conditions of the factories from whence their ultra-cheap merch comes (via the BBC):

The class-action suit has been filed in Los Angeles on behalf of 15 workers in Bangladesh, Swaziland, Indonesia, China and Nicaragua.
Each claim they were paid less than the minimum wage and not given overtime payments. Some say they were beaten.

Wal-Mart promised that the beatings were merely for morale and didn’t leave any marks. I keed, I keed. America’s superstore said it would investigate the claims, duh.

The lawsuit mentions the obvious; the evil yellow circle who zigs and zags about Wal-Mart’s commercials wantonly dicing and slicing numbers is to blame. If they’re going to sell merchandise for unbelievably low prices, they’ll make up for those sales somehow, somewhere– Gunga Din is the easy choice, it seems.

The superstore is predictably vague in its response:

“It’s really too early for us to be able to say anything about this particular complaint,” said Wal-Mart spokeswoman Beth Kath.
“It involves a number of companies and manufacturers and we’re just beginning our research to learn more.”

Research away. Continue reading →

His Brother’s Keeper

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pm.jpg Yeah. Keeper of his Brother’s WIFE, that is. (Thanks Kar, DesiDancer and Sonia):

An Indian college girl has temporarily married her teenaged boyfriendÂ’s elder brother so she can live in the same house as her lover until he is old enough to marry her, the Indian Express reported on Tuesday. [MSNBC]
Sneha Patel, 19, a resident of the western Indian state of Gujarat, was in love with Yash Kishan Parmar, also 19, and wanted to marry him despite her parentsÂ’ opposition to the match, the newspaper said.[MSNBC]

In India, the legal age for men to marry is 21, while for women, it’s 18. The law has good intentions; it’s meant to prevent child marriage. But then again, you know what the road to hell is paved with. 😉

Patel and Parmar eloped briefly but, not wanting to be on the run until Parmar was 21, Patel proposed that she would marry his elder brother and divorce him two years later.[MSNBC]

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