The Deepak Sutra

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Deepak Chopra is coming out with his own interpretation of the Kama Sutra (thanks, Cicatrix). What a coincidence! I was just telling myself, ‘You know what I need for the holidays? I need to read a sex book by a guy who could be my father.’

Since you never read the paperback Kama Sutra that you got as a gag gift for your 21st birthday, I’ll break it down for you: some parts of Vatsyayana’s sex manual for virgins have all the charm of a Sears catalog.

When the skin is pressed down on both sides, it is called the `swollen bite’. When a small portion of the skin is bitten with two teeth only, it is called the `point’. When such small portions of the skin are bitten with all the teeth, it is called the `line of points’. The biting, which is done by bringing together the teeth and the lips, is called the `coral and the jewel’. The lip is the coral, and the teeth the jewel. When biting is done with all the teeth, it is called the `line of jewels’. [Link]

And when you smack her on the ass, it is called the ‘last time you get play.’ But some parts are good advice:

… the signs of her want of enjoyment and of failing to be satisfied are as follows: … she does not let the man get up, feels dejected, bites the man, kicks him… [Link]

<

p>If your partner kicks you while you’re in bed, it’s a safe bet that you’re doing something wrong. So I look forward to hearing Chopra’s hypnotic voice on the audiobook:

<

p>

Listen to my voice —
you are getting very horny

40 thoughts on “The Deepak Sutra”

  1. The detail that got my blood a-roiling:

    Virgin has paid a sum well into six figures for an interpretation of the Kama Sutra

    that’s code for almost a mil.

    So the most asinine of assy old guys just got almost a million dollars to rehash a book that is already written.

    Anyone want my version of the ramayana? I’ll earn my dough, honest. I’ll even call it the Ravanana.

    ‘course, after all the beautiful work Nina P does on her version, you’d think she’d get some scratch by now…but noooo it goes to this asshat.

  3. more asshattery:

    The deal is described as bringing together “two of India’s most well-known and established brands”

    blech.

  5. If your partner kicks you while youÂ’re in bed, itÂ’s a safe bet that youÂ’re doing something wrong.

    Oooh, I’ve been there brother. Whoa, just got a flashback. My eyes are watering. Nasty.

    I didn’t know a great deal before Deepak Chopra before I found SM. Since then, he’s created a nice niche for himself in my brain, filed under ‘asshole’.

  8. I need to read a sex book by a guy who could be my father.

    Too funny. That would be the new definition of weirdness. What’s next, the audiobook version of Chopra’s Kamasutra, featuring his Hollywood celeb friends? Ugh.

  9. i was at ikea the other day. on the bookshelves in their display living-rooms, they had multiple copies of deepak chopra… in swedish.

    this must mean something, but i don’t know what.

  10. …….featuring his Hollywood celeb friends…….

    Now that is something I wouldnt mind. Any chance Deepak can get Catherine Zeta to give Kamasutra instructions on audio?

  11. What’s next, the audiobook version of Chopra’s Kamasutra, featuring his Hollywood celeb friends? Ugh.

    Not necessarily such a bad thing, if the voiceover’s done by people like Angelina Jolie, and so on….

    Ahem

    Not Deepak Uncle himself, thought. It would be like listening to an OBGYN lecture by your father’s broadminded doctor friend. You know, the one who actually allowed his kids to live with someone before marriage etc 😉

  12. *thought

    Typo, should have said “though”. But you don’t care, because you were too busy imagining CTZ and Angelina’s husky voiceover. Together. Simultaneously.

  13. And when you smack her on the ass, it is called the ‘last time you get play.’

    You’ve been playing with the wrong girls then. 😉

  14. Oh wow, that googly-eyes picture of him is HILARIOUS. And it is working, my corals and jewels just can’t seem to keep still!

  15. ew. if the thought of Deepak Chopra giving directions on sexual pleasure doesn’t just KILL the mood, I don’t know what does.

    Super Asshat.

  16. I just realised I should have written “CZJ” instead of “CTZ” in my last post. This is what happens when you start imagining ridiculously hot brunette actresses (esp. Angelina) talking dirty at the same time. It fries your brain.

  17. I remember hearing this horrible joke years back and I cant resist posting it…. If Oprah married Deepak Chopra she will be Oprah Chopra! 🙂

  18. You’ve been playing with the wrong girls then. 😉

    Says Abhi, as his father accesses his blog from India and wonders if it was actually such a good idea to leave his wayward son dangerously unsupervised back in the US…..;)

  19. Angelina Jolie, talking dirty, CZJ (and CTZ) and sex. This post demands my presence, if only to try to fill in for the erstwhile Punjabi Boy.

    I am enjoying the word ‘asshat’. Remind me to use it more frequently in day-to-day conversation.

  20. Not sure how many of you have actually read KS in its totality… The best translations are those from Sanskrit to colloquial Indian languages(Hindi, Telugu etc). Those translations have the full-blown version, where sex/positions are just 30% of the whole text and rest deals with wooing, marital duties etc. English translations, especially those in the West have 80% sex/positions and 20% other stuff.

    M. Nam

  21. good point MoorNam, the girlfriend and I read the proper proper version and it’s hardly what I would call a sex manual. More like a detailed exploration of love, which is why I’ve always spoken of the Kama Sutra very highly. We were so ahead of our time 🙂

    But there is still some majorly weird stuff in there, like a whole passage about scratching.

  25. Frankly, I find sophisticated sexual technique quite tedious.

    Nothing like a good drunken fumbling around, I say. Ideally, someone falls off the bed. Which isn’t a problem cuz the mattress is already on the floor.

    BB, love that you’re enjoying asshat. If two new ones aren’t too much for one day, I also like shitslice quite a lot. Very satisfying if you say it with a hiss.

  26. Cica, with this:

    I find sophisticated sexual technique quite tedious

    your left eye and your penchant for asshats, you’ll drive a lot of men wild. A pretty girl who is BORED by good sex.

    There IS a God. I wonder if you are equally enamoured with brevity. That would surely be the ultimate combo.

    Our mattress is on the floor too, you shitslice.

  27. LOL! This reminds me of a couple of lines from an old Prince song:

    U know the Kama Sutra? I could rewrite it with half as many words

    Sigh! Back in the Artist’s heydays!

  28. Way off topic, but related to the asshat theme, I particularly enjoy the not so original “f*ckface”. If anyone here watches HBO’s Curb Your Enthusiasm (Bong Breaker, I don’t know if you guys have HBO across the pond) Susie Greene’s character has an amazing, hyper-caustic way of calling her husband and Larry David that word. I laugh hysterically every time she spews her venom at them.

    But I digress from Deepak.

  31. “I need to read a sex book by a guy who could be my father.”

    Experience does count – provided age and experience are corelated. But this might be more about relationships than technique.

  32. bongbreaker or moornam:

    where would i be able to get these proper texts/interpretations? i mean just typing ‘kama sutra’ into amazon brings up tons of stuff…the reviews seem to offer conflicting information as to how much the text offers anyway. if you could be so kind as to pass on the names of the editions that you’ve perused 🙂 i guess its sort of unfortunate that i’m not so educated in the mothertongue…hopefully theres a half-decent english translation out there..

  34. Manish’s link is a good start. At first glance it looks like the standard translation, which is based on the original Burton version. Wikipedia says:

    The most widely known English translation of the Sutra is that of Sir Richard Francis Burton in 1883. Unfortunately, Burton’s translation was heavily edited to conform with Victorian mores, and many of the positions (especially the ones in which the woman is more aggressive) were left out. (Ironically, after all the editing, Burton’s translation was still banned.) An influential recent translation is that of Indra Sinha, published in 1980. It was translated again in 2002 by the controversial Wendy Doniger (professor of the history of religions at the University of Chicago) and Sudhir Kakar (Indian psychoanalyst and senior fellow at Center for Study of World Religions at Harvard).

    I’ll try to find my copy and let you know who it’s by (although it’s not recent).

  35. I agree with moor nam, its worth reading as a remarkably precocious contribution to ancient world. Time and context is everything. To trivialize it as a mere sex manual is-ahem-Orientalism.

    Wendy Doniger and the psychonanalyst Sudhir Kakar recently published a translation. An interviewer asked Kakar (who wrote a novel about Vatsayana, the author of the Kama Sutra, called ‘The Ascetic of Desire’)what Vatsayana would be in today’s world. He said the publisher of Playboy, and not Penthouse 🙂

  36. i was at ikea the other day. on the bookshelves in their display living-rooms, they had multiple copies of deepak chopra… in swedish.

    this must mean something, but i don’t know what.

    swedish are desperate.

    Now that is something I wouldnt mind. Any chance Deepak can get Catherine Zeta to give Kamasutra instructions on audio?

    I just realised I should have written “CZJ” instead of “CTZ” in my last post. This is what happens when you start imagining ridiculously hot brunette actresses (esp. Angelina) talking dirty at the same time. It fries your brain.

    actually, it makes me want to pitch up. let’s have aneesh from cnn do the audio.

  38. To trivialize it as a mere sex manual is-ahem-Orientalism.

    It’s more of a sexuality manual than a sex manual, yet there are more fruitful activities than dissecting a humor post. I believe Vyatsayaya-ji has some (acrobatic) suggestions.

  40. Do people actually understand what the hell Chopra is ranting about. The best way to detoxify is by jerking off, not meditation!