This Sunday, I woke up to an email from a girlfriend who is not Desi. She said that there was a really thought-provoking article in the New York Post, which reminded her of some of our conversations. She thought I might enjoy it. Enjoy it? I could have written parts of it. It was about Dating While Brown– and dating other Browns, to be specific.
The piece was called, “MELTING NOT: Why Young People Like me Started Dating Within our Race“. In it, NYP reporter Raakhee Mirchandani wrote a sensitive, honest explanation of her views on love– and I can just imagine the nastiness she might be encountering because of it.
It’s never easy to put yourself out there, so I salute her for doing so. Besides, with this issue, you can’t win. You date outside your community and you’re either a sell-out, desperate or a coconut. Date within it and you’re insular, insecure and biased. Ugh. Can’t we all just get along? I hope we can remember to be kind to one another, as we discuss an issue which affects all of us, albeit in different ways. We’ve got to let love rule, or whatever Lenny screams. On to the story.
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I know so many friends, whose experience mirrored this:
Growing up, the man in my dreams was a mystery; he was white, he was tall, he was dark, he was slick. He was always handsome. In my fantasy it didn’t matter if he was Catholic or Muslim, European or African, if he ate pigs or worshipped monkeys. It didn’t matter if he understood that I came from a rich tradition of Indian Hindus who were strict vegetarians, quietly conservative, obsessively dedicated to family and maniacal in their love for cheesy song-and-dance movies with mediocre acting and music.
And so when we met, freshman year at Boston University – the street smart Eastern European with a gorgeous smile, big heart and wicked sense of humor and the artsy Indian girl with a penchant for big hair, Bollywood and Biggie -it seemed like the perfect cross-continental match.
Ah, Biggie. I pour some of my Robitussin with Codeine out for you.
But somewhere along our six years together, the Indian girl from Jersey, who had naively promised him Catholic children, steak dinners and consistently defended his refusal to hang with my family as a simple difference in opinion, had a change of heart. And he did, too.
I remember him looking at me on an evening not far from our last and saying, “It’s like all of a sudden you became Indian.” In a way so quiet I didn’t even realize it was happening, the brown from my skin must have seeped in and colored my heart.
That line just slays me. I project emotions and explanations all over it. Is it accusatory? A blurt of hurt? Is becoming “Indian” a negative thing? The defending “his refusal to hang with my family” is also poignant. America may be a country of individuals, but most of us who are of South Asian descent are tightly tied to our families, for better or for worse. No one wants to be caught in that vise between one love and another.
Surprisingly, I’m not the only one. While the rate of intermarriage among races increased over the past half-century, the last decade has seen a reversal – particularly among Asians and Latinos. According to a Ohio State University study, from 1990-2000 the number of Hispanics marrying outside their race fell from 27% to 20%, while Asian intermarriage dropped from 42% to 33%.
I’m no Razib, but this matches what I feel like I’m witnessing around me (and yes, this is the same stat Abhi mentioned in this post). At one point, if I saw a second- or third-generation Asian-American with an Asian spouse, I was surprised, because so many of my friends had married “out”. Now, I see a reversal of that. Maybe it’s easier for us to find each other, thanks to the internets. Then again, maybe Ohio State and I are full of it (highly probable– I’m supposed to be a Michigan fan).
After brushing it off for so long, many of my relatives and friends are listening to that nagging voice in our collective heads. You know, the one that sounds like a hybrid of your mom/dad/grandparent/aunt/uncle/neighbor-in-the-old-country telling you in heavily accented English, “Have you found anyone yet, dahling? Can we introduce you to Mr. Kapoor’s son? He is doctor. Ven vill you finally give us good news?” Despite my better efforts to buck the traditional Indian girl inside me – glossy black locks turned to bleached blond in a weak moment of teen angst; pre-med was never an undergraduate option and much to my parents chagrin; I have always favored copious amounts of worthless costume jewels over precious museum-grade family heirlooms – I discovered that I’m not really that much of a rebel after all.
Yeah, me neither. Well, except for the remaining defiantly single at 34 bit. Maybe it’s because I’ve retired all five pairs of my Doc Martens, but I don’t feel like a rebel…until grateful letters from some of you label me as such; “I’m so glad there’s another Desi girl who isn’t married…I’m 26 and the pressure is horrid!”
Note to 26-year old: don’t allow yourself to be rushed in to a damned thing. The people who nag you to get hitched now won’t be sympathetic to you if you separate or get a divorce. Then you’ll be THAT girl, the one with the “past”.
Even if you end up happily married, they will never stop butting in to your life, because sometime after your wedding reception commences, they’ll be demanding a schedule for when you’ll be procreating offspring, or where you’ll be purchasing a home. As I like to say to my long-suffering Mother: “If I don’t get on that merry-go-round, I don’t have to worry about vomiting.”
You third-generation tykes owe us big. We smug singles are facing the wrath of our community now, so that one day you can actually take advantage of this “30 is the new 20” bullshit, and go to weddings, funerals, housewarmings or any other Desi-infested event without cringing, or hiding from the Auntie mafia in your car. Don’t worry about thanking us, just hook us up when we’re 65, since Social Security isn’t going to do it.
Back to Raakhee:
During the Obama campaign, commentators asked if younger people were growing up in a colorblind society. I certainly hope it’s a more tolerant one – but not blind. Living in harmony doesn’t mean camouflaging our differences, or denying that we have any. And while I would never judge an Indian person who chose an interracial relationship – love in whatever way it comes is flawless – I know that I could never do it again.
I could never do it in the first place, mostly because of what I’ve bolded below:
Relationships are hard enough, no matter who you love. Maintaining and sustaining them requires a combination of courage, compromise and dedication. But there’s a comfort in building a solid foundation with someone who comes from a similar place. I don’t want to have to explain the minutia of my complex culture, hoping for both understanding and approval. I want to begin on equal footing, roots already firmly planted in a common garden.
I’m more of a wanna-be geek, so my declaration contained something like, “I want someone pre-loaded with all this software, I don’t want to have to install anything”. Please don’t tell me if that makes no sense. 🙂 Just focus on my alternate line, “I ain’t no one’s cultural tour guide.” Classy, I know. That almost sounds like I hate non-Desis. Not at all. In some of those memorable instances, I desperately didn’t want to be the object of someone’s fetish or part of that one guy’s UN fantasy which involved…well, you get the picture. Even if the rare non-Desi guy who expressed interest didn’t fall in to one of those two weird categories, I worried that having to explain every little thing or answer a plethora of questions would become exhausting.
Yet I know friends and family who feel the exact opposite of such sentiments (well…not the UN thing). They love sharing who we are with their significant others from different backgrounds. They relish building bridges by spreading the Brown love and Gods bless them for it. I just can’t do it, Captain. To each, our own, right?
What’s right for me or Raakhee isn’t even right for some of my immediate family members. While Raakhee found her prince, two of my girls got no love or interest from boys within our community; that’s not an exaggeration. I could write horrifying posts about the Desi boys who met them and said, “You’re much darker than I thought you would be”, or similar ugliness. I had a Cross Colors shirt in the early 90s which said, “Love see no color”. We could easily amend it to: “Stupidity see no color.” A douche is a douche, regardless of race.
Those two beautiful women are now marrying outside of our community, and I’m glad for it. I’m not implying that only people who strike out with brown go hunting elsewhere. I’m just mentioning two specific family members who are marrying amazing people and that matters more than skin. If brown boys/girls aren’t feeling you, to hell with them. If you only find that “amazing” with someone whose Mom makes sambar too (guilty), then more hand soap to you. We each need to make this decision for ourselves (are you reading, 26-year old?? You’re fine! Stay strong!).
I’m the kind of girl who is as comfortable worshipping multi-armed deities as she is worshipping at Chanel. The kind who can easily wrap herself in to a 5-yard sari in a public bathroom but much prefers Uggs and leggings. Certainly the kind who washes down a spicy curry with a glass of Johnny on the rocks.
Yeah, I’m just going to state for the record right now that I could never put a sari on in a public bathroom. I don’t even like to put a sari on in my current apartment, because the full-length mirror is unfortunately near where I put on and take off shoes, near the door. Eeek. Oh, Raakhee, you are a better ladki than I. While you’re not asking, I also like Black and coke instead, thanks!
That makes me Indian and American, and the truth is, it’s easier when someone understands the first part of that as much as the latter.
YES. I agree, 100 percent. At the same time, I have noticed that interracial couples where both parties are from minority or “ethnic” backgrounds–which emphasize family– do seem to find some common ground.
So now I’ve taken the UPS approach to dating: What can brown do for me?
More than I ever thought.
Here comes her happy ending:
My current boyfriend, Agan, is the kind of Punjabi prince dreams are made of. He held me last year when Bombay burned and I broke. He high-fived me when “Slumdog” took home eight golden trophies and I squealed. He rolls his eyes when I talk about Yankee Stadium like it’s The Bronx version of the Golden Temple. He’s from the left (wrong) coast, you see; not everything can be Disney fairytales.
But he understands without questioning that I will live at home with my parents until I get married. That family obligations trump any evening plans we may have made. Without my suggesting it, he mentioned that when we grew up and had a house of our own, there would be room for both sets of parents, his and mine. I was enamored.
In that moment I knew why it never worked between me and anybody else. I had underestimated the power of my parenting, the grip of my culture and the strong but subtle shades of India that I reflect.
In less than a year he has earned his way into my parents’ hearts, fielding near daily text messages and e-mails from my mother, approving but curious glances from my father and even joining my brother in a weekly basketball league. It’s as if they already knew each other. And in a way they did.
Your mother can text?! Mine thinks GChat is annoying. Lucky you! Speaking of superior communication products made from Goo, I GMailed Raakhee to ask if anything important had been cut from the story. Sepia Mutiny: we’re like the DVD with deleted scenes! Here’s what she had to say:
What we had to cut from the essay which I thought was important was the idea that being Indian was something I had to grow in to. Not in a conscious way, but something I had to sort of become comfortable expressing. And just being.
Also, I grew up in a way I imagine many desi chicks did who are my age (27); I was a nerdy, hairy (omfg the ‘stache, the unibrow, the horror!) and completely convinced that I would never, ever date. I thought Indian guys wouldn’t get me and all the others would think I was gross. In a way, despite my ridic inflated sense of self (and trust me, i thought i was some super hot shit when i was younger!!), when it came to dating and relationships, I didn’t think I was good enough to date either, brown or white.
Oh, if that isn’t Junior year of high school revisited, I don’t know WHAT is. Sigh.
Back to the article, for the last two paragraphs:
Despite the countries we share, we are still different. His family is Sikh. He wears a turban. Mine are Hindu and we don’t accessorize. But the fundamentals are the same; family first and everything else next.
As usual my parents were right, bless their darling immigrant hearts. It turns out I am both New Delhi and New Jersey, and the man in my dreams finally has a face to reflect that.
I’m happy for you, Raakhee, the same way I’m happy for anyone who finds their lobster. Everyone deserves the bliss that is real love. We may have different desires, preferences, approaches to searching for it, or ways to label it, but in the end, we each want the same thing, no matter with whom we may find it.
1 down ..999 more to go 🙂
I am not even a wanna-be, but a bonafide geek, but couldn’t have said it better. Being a cultural tour guide is sweet a first few times, but then the same questions that were endearing before -those about my parents or eating habits or doing a silly head touch thing to the book after mistakenly stepping on it- become kinda grating. I rather have someone who has the inside knowledge of my culture (which is an amalgam of east and west), so that next time we see some cheesy desi movie, we can both roll our eyes together and enjoy it at the same time :).
Sorta like that scene in Namesake, when they dance together bollywood style in the bedroom, after the wedding.
check.
ok. i want to marry agan now. 🙂
very happy for the happy couple. i raise a lassi to ya.
Thanks for sharing this one, really hit the spot! Also, it’s really selfless and thoughtful of you to sacrifice your mental health for third generation tykes, but I think we all know some 2nd gen-ers just waiting to recruit for Auntie Patrol: Revisited.
There is a certain trajectory described in that story, which does conform to the stereotypical pressures to assimilate and then either a rejection/acceptance of this path. It does seem that the author of the article was effacing large parts of her identity in her earlier relationship; I come from a family which is half vegetarian and I can’t imagine asking anyone of them to prepare meat much less steak! These things can be problematic, especially if you are religious. There is obviously a need for some balance; I am amused though to hear her describe the Hindu/Sikh difference as worthy of mentioning, it is a difference but not that huge and hardly unheard of even within India of a few decades of ago. A Hindu-Muslim marriage would have been more problematic for a number of reasons.
The basic thrust of the matter is that if you decide to go for what our parents’ generation would somewhat quaintly have described as a ‘love marriage’ then the number of compatible partners is likely to be quite limited across an entire population; artificially restrcited the pool even further by saying that either only Desis or non-Desis will be considered will limit your choiced even further. You have to keep an open mind and concentrate on the individual, quite often you may find what you are looking in a place where you do not expect to find it. This isn’t of course a judgement about where one should look.
I am intrigued by her description that “the idea that being Indian was something I had to grow in to” I think this is something that is (from my limited experience) specific to the US. My knowledge of diasporic communities elsewhere, suggests that this is very different for Indians growing up elsewhere, where in many cases their social identities are more present and intense initially and tend to be something they to a degree, grow a little out of as time passes.
Still, I am glad she has found a ‘happy ending’. Now, to hear more about Razib and those troublesome blondes…..
If I remember the stats Razib put out, among Indian-Americans born in the US the out-marriage rate is rather high for both guys and girls. In fact, I think this subset has one of the highest outmarriage rates of any ethnic group; no idea if this is increasing or decreasing of late. But, I may be remembering this wrong.
Thanks for posting this Anna. Interesting, and I thought very well-put piece. I would be curious to see if we could build a simple model that takes into account self-professed affinity for “Indian” cultural attributes (for example), and output the probability of out-marriage. Presumably there’s some correlation to be had there, but we humans are pretty complex 🙂
“Note to 26-year old: don’t allow yourself to be rushed in to a damned thing. The people who nag you to get hitched now won’t have your six when you separate or get a divorce. Then you’ll be THAT girl, the one with the past.”
Truly. I am THAT girl. You know the one that got pressured into marriage. A marriage that by the end of it even my parents (yes, really even them) were begging me to get out of. And now I am THAT woman you know the single mom who keeps getting called Mrs and then gets ignored when her true status is known. I am THAT woman. So don’t get pressured into marriage. No one who ever pressured you into it will be there, if, god forbid, you ever have to leave it.
I’ve got a Indian-American friend who’s lived between Bombay and London the last several years, having been the ‘wild child’ in her family. She met an Indian guy who also feels really different from his community. So they’ve had all these crazy international adventures together, secretly lived together in both countries, and finally are getting married this year and their parents know and everybody’s happy. Except that his dad now expects to come live with them (luckily visas keep his stays brief for now) and her American side is seriously rebelling against it. All her American sense of privacy, personal space and individualism trumps the ‘family’ thing, and she hates having to ‘live with a parent’ again for the first time in 15 years. Her fiance doesn’t see the problem.
So this is merely to say that not all desis come pre-programmed with exactly the same values that are universally understood by other browns. 😉 And from a gori outsider married to a brown outsider, (NO ONE gets either of us!) 😉 thank you, Anna, for understanding and respecting both sides.
Except that his dad now expects to come live with them (luckily visas keep his stays brief for now) and her American side is seriously rebelling against it.
Except that a marriage between an Indian and an American of Indian origin – which is what this marriage is – does involve cultural differences. Just because people look the same does not mean that they share the same values. When your partner “looks different”, one is aware of the differences and the need to work through them. When your partner looks the same, it is easy to forget that your partner may have different values than your own. It’s just a guess but my feeling is that marriages between Indians (brought up in India) and second/third generation Indian-Americans typically are problematic, especially if the latter is a woman. However, India operates in many different centuries at the same time, so the broad picture may hide significant exceptions.
Very Very True. But do note that some not all, but some have and will always have the best intentions and their nagging is just giving that loving kick up the arse. We kids (including the 30 something’s and 40 something’s) can be sometimes foolish. And these some will be the ones who will give you the honest, tough, cleaver and brutal character analysis of the guy or girl you bring home. These people are a rare breed but I guess that if they are in your lives they are the greatest people you know.
Remember we are not on the road towards love but Love is Road. 😉
Excellent post Anna J.
I’m more of a wanna-be geek, so my declaration contained something like, “I want someone pre-loaded with all this software, I don’t want to have to install a damned thingâ€. but what happens when the software is a different “version” – i.e. the brown significant other is just not as into desi culture as you are? i understand that it still makes things easier, e.g. with family etc – but i’m not sure that it’s that much different (than being with a non-desi) for other purposes if you’re still having to explain a significant amount of cultural aspects.
That family obligations trump any evening plans we may have made. that is one significant factor that i do find troubling when contemplating partners – my non-desi friends are puzzled by my equation with my parents, so it worries me that a non-desi partner might have the same issue.
ANNA, great post – have not been on SM in a really long time, and have posted far less – but this one was too good (and fun) to pass without a comment 🙂
this “30 is the new 20†bullshit i’m just six months in and now i found out that 30-being-the-new-20 is all bullshit?
Anna, this is a wonderfully written article! Great job!
So I’m 24, an Indian-American in a serious interracial relationship (bf, D, is a Russian Jew and he was ~5 when he came to the US) and my mom forwarded me this article. She was talking about how this girl’s path to desi consciousness, which I guess took a detour when she got into an interracial relationship at what is still a relatively impressionable age (I consider 18 as such, others may disagree). In my case, I grew up in a town without a very tight-knit Indian community, and though I was always taught about my culture (e.g. learned to read/write/speak Bengali before English), I felt I didn’t really discover an Indian “community” until college. I took every opportunity I could to participate in Indian functions and loved it…so overall, I’d say my college experiences really helped me grow and get comfortable as an “Indian American.”
That said, I had qualms when I began my current relationship, but still thought it was worth pursuing just because of the amazing person D is. And I have to say that 2 things really help bridge the background gap: 1) the fact that he is from an immigrant family as well and therefore has similar perceptions of where his culture clashes with American culture and 2) Jews and Indians have A LOT in common. I don’t have to explain things like the importance of family, academic achievement, etc…these are all intuitive to him. As soon as I knew things may get serious, I put it out there that I could never convert, and he replied that he knew me well enough to know conversion wouldn’t be an option and accepted that, as has his family. So to quote my mom, “You definitely know you are Indian, and more importantly, D knows it too.” I’ve witnessed enough of a gap between my parents, who should have had many things in common due to an arranged marriage, to think that the path I’ve chosen makes sense.
Just wanted to put this out there, since I was feeling a bit sensitive after reading many, many comments agreeing with the writer of the article…
Anna, does this not suggest that outmarriage is only for those who do not “make it” in the desi community with desi partners? What about those who outmarry even when they have plenty of opportunities in the desi community?
On a different note, if a Protestant white American wrote the same article–about why he/she prefers WASPS rather than blacks or yellows or browns or Jews–would that not be considered racist?
Awwww what a feel good story. Everyone deserves to be happy on their own terms. If you accept someone else’s terms there is no guarantee it will bring you happiness and yes sometimes it means rebelling against all the things that you eventually come back to.
I am that girl. I know a lot of girls like that. The ones that didn’t rebel and gave into someone else’s terms aren’t necessarily better off.
I think of how far flung I was from the idea of being with an Indian man not 10 years ago because I thought of myself as so American. To think that I’m now married to a Indian man who also speaks the same language, eats the same food and is of the same culture both Indian and American just blows my mind. But it happens to the best of us.
I spent my entire 20s in angst and made a whole writing career justifying my choices about NOT being Indian and NOT wanting to be with someone Indian. Well I have had to eat my words!
And I can’t stress enough the importance of marrying the RIGHT PERSON and not at the RIGHT TIME! There is no right time. No one can tell you when it’s right if you are with the wrong person or there is no person in the picture. I’m grateful for having waited and grateful for my mother’s support while waiting.
SB sorry wanted to address what you’ve written. It’s OK if others feel a kinship with the author in the article. If you feel strongly about your choices and are at peace with it and above and beyond are in love then that trumps everything else. You don’t need to justify your choices because someone else justified theirs.
13 · Aveek said
No. I’m not suggesting anything negative. Raakhee offered up her personal experiences, I threw in a few of mine. Nothing more.
My experiences are just that; I didn’t say they belonged to an entire community. I was trying to point out how even in one family, one person might see themselves in Raakhee’s article, while another might not.
12 · SB said
I really tried to make this post as balanced as possible. Within it, I kept trying to say, “to each their own”. I know you’re talking about the comments, but it might make you feel better to know that the vast majority of our readers are lurkers, who do not comment. That’s why you can’t see them agreeing emphatically with you. 🙂
::
Everyone else, thanks for the kind comments
I am a desi girl living in a non-desi world finding myself more and more attracted to the non-brown man. However, I am the only daughter of two very traditional, 1st gen migrants, who have sacrificed a lot to give me the opportunities I have had in life. I feel as if I would single handedly shatter their hearts into a million pieces if I were to pursue things with a tall, blonde, immigrant that I am currently crushing on (even though he is a doctor).
Has anyone gone through this? Do parents get over this kind of stuff? I know that they want me to be happy, but I feel as if this would not make them happy at all, largely because it would be widely looked down upon by the desi community here. I would love to hear some stories about people who have gone through this if they are willing to share.
Thank you so much Anna for writing about this and letting me have a space to vent. You are an absolute rockstar in my eyes!
Anna, this is my first ever comment on SM. Thanks for the great post. It makes me feel all warm and happy inside.
1 · Upbhransh said
That scene was so hard to watch, having read the book first (and knowing what was to come next). But yeah, I know what you mean.
3 · isoughtajam said
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! People! Resist the dark side!
5 · jackal said
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blockquote>·
Yeah, hence my “I’m no Razib…”-bit. 😉 You may be right (and then Ohio State goes DOWN!)
6 · Guest said
I’m so sorry. :(( I hope I didn’t seem flippant.
7 · midwestern eastender said
No, thank YOU for seeing that I tried to do just that! 🙂
8 · suresh said
True. Very good point.
9 · rudie_c said
I think the word “rare” says it all, mate. 😉 (and thank you!)
10 · ak said
Yeah, this is what I get for writing posts at 4am when I’m sick. 😉 Excellent point. I should’ve made clearer that the software can get kinda specific. 🙂
Hey, I thought it was fantastic four years ago, then I started seeing “60 is the new 40” and that got weird. 😉
17 · Smitten and confused said
I know that at every so often, this valve has to be opened or some of us go nuts. 😉 I love giving you guys a space to vent! I’m the one with the 1,500-ish comment thread. 😀
(On a more serious note, I hope it all works out. Your second sentence is something I think many of us can identify with)
This line: “I had underestimated the power of my parenting, the grip of my culture and the strong but subtle shades of India that I reflect.”
…made me almost cry! so true. i think that many of us spend most of our lives admiring white American culture (though i realize it depends on the ‘hood you grew up in) because those are the people who generally set the standards of beauty and desirablity…so kill me, i tried very hard to “pick and choose” the indian parts of me that i liked, but those more powerful messages that didn’t need to be said? those are eventually the ones that stuck. turns out my parents might be wise after all 🙂
now…to just get those desi guys to stop fooling around earlier and get to that same level of understanding faster!
PS–Anna, do you have an informant?–I swear you read my mind as of late by writing this post! Thank you for providing the space to talk about this “stuff” 🙂
Also my first comment on SM. Just wanted to say that was a fantastic read, Anna. Extremely interesting!
Anna, thanks for posting this. Lol on the preloaded software comment. I loved reading Rakhee’s piece too..very insightful.
Their married life is doomed!!. As a married man, my experiences were terrible in that context. We both love our parents, but whenever parents are anywhere near our life. We tend to go to our old individual self, thereby turning to individuality from the the togetherness. I think, it is better to keep your childhood to a minimum in the married life. The more of you bring it, you find yourself in an island. The reason for you to bring more of your past into married life often is because you are not enjoying your present. I doubt whether Rakhee is in real love. She is just proud to be successful. Past is glorius, because you never can return to it, so cherish it. But life is about future, and the future is uncertain and exciting. The struggle to find a better future brings the teamwork, therefore a better married life. For a successful married life(or life in general), your past is not much of a factor as long as both parties have the similar outlook to the future. I think, good relationships get better after kids for the same reason.
Good take on it Annammo!
Great article, ANNA.
If I remember the stats Razib put out, among Indian-Americans born in the US the out-marriage rate is rather high for both guys and girls.
I thought that article was talking about the outmarriage rate in US born Indian Americans and not immigrant Indian Americans. Maybe Razib can clarify.
23 · LandBeyond7Zs said
But what about when parents are really old and invalid ? I think it will be cruel to not give them support in our desi way when they are unable to take care of themselves
To SB, Smitten&Confused and all the other non-brown daters there…. Growing up in India, I always imagined I would get married to a southern lass who was from my community. I moved to the US for my masters, sowed my wild oats and then met this gal who had recently moved from Europe. While I found her very attractive, I did not have the slightest inkling of marrying her – but she was convinced early on that I was the one. My parents are very conservative, even by south Indian standards, and I thought there was no way they’d accept her. As my relationship with my gf grew, I was able to see beyond our racial/cultural differences but still could not get myself to fully commit. I conveyed to my gf about what my Indian culture and background meant to me and she was very understanding of it. My parents sensed that something was up and called me on it. There was a lot of arguing and they tried a few things to ‘cure’ me of my infatuation.
Mistakes made: 1) I went back and forth with my then gf too many times because of my indecisiveness (primarily caused by not wanting to hurt my parents). This could/should have been avoided as it did hurt all parties involved. 2) I went through the charade of seeing desi girls for marriage just to placate my parents – was a very confusing stage where I met the girl(s) with a closed mindset while at the same time hoping I’d meet a desi girl who’ll make everything OK. Very stupid and once again unfair to all parties involved.
Conclusion: I was feeling really terrible about myself for the mistakes mentioned above and finally conveyed my decision to my parents. That I would not marry without their blessings and that my then gf was the only person I would marry. I came clean to my gf and parents about the mistakes I made and they, like anyone that dearly loves you, forgave me. My parents finally gave in to my drama and hosted a very traditional, beautiful wedding in India – it was a great time with full participation from both families. It’s funny that I was able to fully commit to my girlfriend for marrying only after my mother showed a hint of accepting her (its tough to articulate this feeling). I think I played the waiting game and wore my parents out. My wife and I are now proud parents! Convincing my parents was difficult. I had to convince myself first about marrying outside my culture – and that took time. My wife’s European background and her strong family ties allayed many of my fears. My parents and my wife have a good relationship. My mother will be living with us for an extended period for the first time. I am sure there will be challenges, but I also feel/hope we will be able to work around them. So the bottom line is that every relationship will have challenges and an inter-cultural relationship adds more variables to the mix. But the relationship can be successful if the foundation of the relationship, i.e. love, mutual respect and dedication, is strong.
Aww, tear! Totally feel her on this. I loved that Anna went back for some investigative journalism and got this tidbit out of Rakhee. Of course this part ended up on the cutting room floor…it’s the most, “I feel you” sentence of the piece, at least for the brown girls out there like us.
i’ve dated lots of different guys and had serious relationships with people from different racial backgrounds. but i prefer dating desi guys now because you don’t have to explain everything to them. and a lot of non desi guys are so blinded by the fantasy of dating someone exotic, it’s hard to know if they like you for yourself or just because you are fulfilling their exotic fantasy. there are advantages and disadvantages of both situations. there is no wrong or right answer. desi guys age better e.g. the actor aamir khan looks 28 even though he’s 44 years old. white guys tend to get dementia or alzheimers when they are old too.
29 · sarika said
Tend to? Desi people get those things, too.
Reading these comments makes me worry for the 2 kids Im raising in the US. Are they really going to grow up so conscious of their race, magnifying their trivial differences with others into some deep cultural barriers? Sad.
31 · confused_fob said
No, what’s sad is dismissing the painful experiences of so many. The differences aren’t always “trivial”.
Your kids are going to grow up in a different America than we did. You don’t have to worry about them turning out like us.
32 · A N N A said
now thats sad, because we are super cool!
As a 26-year old smack in the center of the Indian marriage pressure cooker, thanks for the affirmation and encouragement. There are days when I want to just marry someone “suitable” and be done with it, but I haven’t. Sometimes, the bravest thing you do is believe in love.
zee said
Soylent green?
LOL. I looked like 44 when I vas 28. yaar! stay in the bell of the curve. all those laddoos and sugared chai dont help. But thanks for the big laff. I had a bigh belly laff that shook me thru to the giblets.
Awwww my jaded, cynical heart just melted a little.
But just a little.
Ouch that’s harsh. If you can conclude from this heartfelt piece about someone who chose to put themselves out there that they are somehow deluding themselves; based on your comment I can conclude that you have some seriously defective parents and inlaws that you might need to return where they came from! Cuts both ways right?
People do what is best for them individually. There are nearly 4 million American households today with multigenerational folks living under one roof. It’s not such a far fetched foreign concept anymore.
I think of someone like me who has been blessed and lucky to have acquired a new family thru my inlaws and relatives thru marriage while having no family of my own. I’d cut my right arm for them. I have no issues entertaining the idea that some day they might end up in our household. I’m comfortable with it. Just as you are uncomfortable with it. What applies to you may not apply to someone else. Relationships at all levels need work and effort, whether they are under one roof or across continents.
My non-Desi husband, who is himself inter-racial, said something very similar to me while we were dating. That was the moment that I knew that he really “got it” with regard to Indian families. Sure there are times that I have to explain cultural nuances, but I have never minded because I know he is aware that these are things that will be a part of his life and our hypothetical childrens’ lives from now on.
While I did indeed go hunting elsewhere because I struck out with brown 😉 , this last line is really what it all comes down to.
Interesting that the original article is written by a Sindhi Hindu marrying a Punjabi Sikh…interesting because there are still some families (on both sides) who would find that too big a gulf, and not marry across those lines. Compared to her non-Indian relationships she’s found someone much closer; but compared to what would have been considered widely acceptable even a generation ago, this is still a big leap. I know Sindhi families even today who are very conscious of Amil vs. Bhaiband (two major divisions amongst Sindhi Hindus), and of course many Sikh families will not marry between different castes even when all parties concerned are Sikhs. And many desi parents do manage to enforce this on their 2nd gen kids.
Excellent writing, Anna. Wish you would set aside time for the book 🙂 (Non fiction, collection of essays/commentary, perhaps!)
These things go in cycles and there will be a counter-wave of out-marrying soon enough. The kind of tight bonds that we forged in our generation with our parents including that sense of guilt/burden to care for them when they are old is tenuous at best with kids that grow up here. Of course, everyone grows up with strong identification with their families but browns take it to soap opera lengths.
We load the children with all the ‘right’ software – dance, music, religion and culture and the extant of this programming decides how much free space is left for experimentation with alien software. As I write this, my daughter has gone to school in pattu pavadai to mimic the “Fred” she chose in class – Freida Pinto! In a sea of Aeropostale, she needs to navigate, with her own sense of identity and grow up to know the difference between Carnatic music playing blonde Eric and the breakfast-in-a-strip-club investment banker, Eswar.
I grew up in an exclusively white neighborhood in Canada, extremely conscious of race. It has ALWAYS mattered to me. Growing up, I was a total recluse and I felt “out of place” because of my ethnicity, but when I finally got around other brown people, I realized it was more than just race, I was just odd. I don’t really feel culturally in tune with anyone. I refuse to assimilate with whiteness and my mind is too polluted to go back to the pind…and for me, that’s what being “desi” or “indian” is…it’s not watching bollywood movies and speaking in hindi/urdu…it’s the braderi-kinship system of my people, it’s their love for livestock, it’s their unique traditional rituals….The reality is, I can’t be “desi” here..so instead I’m an out of place brown man reluctantly living in the modern western white man’s world.
Still though, I prefer dating women from my own “background” (other ABCDs) because I think they’re more likely to get me and we’ll have more in common….it just seems to be less complicated. Reality is, it’s still pretty complicated.
Also, I have to admit that I just don’t think white women, in general, will find me attractive and for the most part, I don’t find them attractive. With the life that I’ve lived and my influences, it’s almost impossible to look at them without all of the implications of race and racism in my head. I feel guilty and irrational for being this way, but it is what it is. It’s just a preference, it doesn’t impede on anyone’s rights so I don’t feel that guilty about it.
That said, I will date a woman from another culture as long as she’s a woman of colour (brown/black)…on a purely aesthetic level, I think we’ll just look better as a couple….
Great article, Anna. I too am “that girl” and am living proof that it is better to be single and happy than married and miserable. Wait for the right one girls, you’ll save yourself a world of misery.
17 · Smitten and confused said
Hmm.. Do I tell that too to my kids? May be in an emotional moment, please excuse me. Your parents do a lot of things like leaving family and setting up their life for a better future for everyone in the family. Your parents really love you and do a lot of things for you, that is love, not sacrifice. You dont owe them a thing, because real parental love is unconditional. For good parents, it is their duty to provide for a better future for their kids. It is better for you to try to convince them with your end of the story. It is good that you are doing it. But they often are not that experts that they claim to be when it comes to adult things. But remember a good methodology guides you far ahead in anything in life, when you dont have a clue. But a case study will only be good, if you put your thoughts to it.
44 · LandBeyond7Zs said
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blockquote>17 · Smitten and confused said
No…actually almost all love is conditional. When it is truly unconditional, it is suspect. Now, don’t quote Khalil Gibran…:)
D. It is written.
“So don’t get pressured into marriage. No one who ever pressured you into it will be there, if, god forbid, you ever have to leave it.”
Very true
Except that a marriage between an Indian and an American of Indian origin – which is what this marriage is – does involve cultural differences. Just because people look the same does not mean that they share the same values. When your partner “looks different”, one is aware of the differences and the need to work through them. When your partner looks the same, it is easy to forget that your partner may have different values than your own.
I’m an ABD wed to a Indian Indian – and let me tell you, its been hard to grasp the many many nuances of our cultural differences over the years. And true, his favorite “said in anger” epithet for me is – “you’re acting so American!”. I’ve been in a serious relationship with a non-desi and yes, it was hard for his southern-fried self to deal with me once I started growing an Indian concious – one that included leaving the US to work in the Indian non-profit sector for two years – and where I met my husband. My husband and I struggle every day with the divide of our cultures. I will say that, still its easier for me to navigate those struggles with my now-husband, than it was for me to deal with the lack of pre-loaded software with my then boyfriend. We still learn something from each other every day – and it’s worth fighting for after all. I never would have guessed because my dram man looked much like the author of the Post article.
Why does 26 seem to be the age in the spotlight? I feel like you are talking to me :0) Great article as usual Anna!
I wasn’t born here but I’ve been in the country since I was nine. But the man in my dreams was always brown, maybe a combination of all those Hindi movies and the love for our culture in general. I have yet to find him or get anywhere near close to it and sometimes I wonder at how black and white that viewpoint makes me..what I might be missing out on because of lost opportunities or complete lack of consideration. I feel like we are already so complex, there are so many other characteristics and personality issues that need to align, that at least having similar backgrounds will make life easier.
I’m currently on the husband search train and have met quite a few Indian guys recently, but it isn’t going anywhere so far. I guess I haven’t been looking for the last 26 years so I was hoping when I do start, someone will magically appear but that isn’t the case. Its funny because I am now good friends with one of the guys that I met on shaadi and we were discussing how we all basically want the same things, simple things you could say, in a partner, yet it really isn’t that simple. I don’t understand..and I’m rambling and way off topic by this point so I shall stop 🙂
Don’t dismiss or diminish. Differences which are truly trivial to an IBD, or rendered trivial by defense mechanisms employed while settling down in a new country, can very easily shape the core personality of an ABD growing up in the same country, or even in the same family.
lucky canadian , yaar.