Especially if you are a smart, attractive, single desi woman. Seriously. This isn’t about desi women in particular but you’ll see how this information could be used for evil especially by desi parents. I know some of you forward posts to your parents but don’t do it with this one. You’ve been warned. NSFP=Not Safe for Parents.
Ok, now that I’ve cleared my conscience let’s get to the article at hand shall we? Slate.com recently published, The Eligible-Bachelor Paradox, which makes use of game theory to explain why the best women often end up single and alone if they wait “too long” to get married. We’ll save judgement for the end:
The shortage of appealing men is a century-plus-old commonplace of the society melodrama. The shortage–or–more exactly, the perception of a shortage–becomes evident as you hit your late 20s and more acute as you wander into the 30s. Some men explain their social fortune by believing they’ve become more attractive with age; many women prefer the far likelier explanation that male faults have become easier to overlook.
The problem of the eligible bachelor is one of the great riddles of social life. Shouldn’t there be about as many highly eligible and appealing men as there are attractive, eligible women?…Actually, no–and here’s why. Consider the classic version of the marriage proposal: A woman makes it known that she is open to a proposal, the man proposes, and the woman chooses to say yes or no. The structure of the proposal is not, “I choose you.” It is, “Will you choose me?” A woman chooses to receive the question and chooses again once the question is asked. [Link]
So what have we learned so far? Despite the fact that men usually propose, it is the woman that typically dictates if and when a marriage will occur. In a free and modern society (meaning no forced or pressured marriages) the real power rests with the woman. Let’s go on then:
You can think of this traditional concept of the search for marriage partners as a kind of an auction. In this auction, some women will be more confident of their prospects, others less so.In game-theory terms, you would call the first group “strong bidders” and the second “weak bidders.” Your first thought might be that the “strong bidders”–women who (whether because of looks, social ability, or any other reason) are conventionally deemed more of a catch–would consistently win this kind of auction.
But this is not true. In fact, game theory predicts, and empirical studies of auctions bear out, that auctions will often be won by “weak” bidders, who know that they can be outbid and so bid more aggressively, while the “strong” bidders will hold out for a really great deal. [Link]
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So the brilliant and attractive women hold out for someone worthy of their brilliance and attractiveness. Who could blame them? But, meanwhile, the “tier two” women claim their men with their womanly ways, thus removing them from the “game,” leaving the tier one women with fewer candidates that are perhaps, and I quote, “short, socially awkward, underemployed.” Now what about men like me…ahem…cough cough…tier one…cough…men that are still unmarried and ripe for conquest by those aging tier 1 women? I’m guessing we (not me in specific of course, just other tier 1s) might be defective in terms of our megalomania or commitment phobia. James Bond syndrome. So we are essentially out of the game as well (until maybe a much younger tier one or two woman clubs us over the head and aggressively claims us).
Where have all the most appealing men gone? Married young, most of them–and sometimes to women whose most salient characteristic was not their beauty, or passion, or intellect, but their decisiveness. [Link]
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The article concludes with a warning. If you want to win this “game” then follow the advice laid out here. Aggressively choose a mate while you are still young. However, you must first believe that the “prize” is worth winning. That is a much more difficult question. A mate isn’t life’s only prize, or even its most important one depending on your view of things.
What? First Amardeep’s post about skin color anxieties, and now this. It all seems rather retrograde.
thanks, man. i just got a one-hour lecture from one of my coupled friends yesterday, telling me how i’m not putting myself out there enough (i’m not) and giving me at least 10 different ways to do so, all with the explicit message that my life is empty because i don’t have a guy. good times, good times….
perhaps what makes this article most depressing is the fact that one must consider whether or not one is first- or second-tier (and what does being second-tier and still-single mean?)
Don’t let it get you down folks. Its all absurd anyways! Remember what Yoda said: “Try not. Do or do not. There is no try.” Whatever “tier” you are at is irrelevant. As is your age. When you want to claim your prize claim it. Or else become a prolific blogger and the comments you receive on your posts will fill the emotional void. At least that’s what prominent bloggers tell me 🙂
abhi,
i’m really disappointed that you’d be promoting this conservative social “sciene” which simply perpetuates Stereotypes which reinfore the ideals of the White Male Power Structure.
I’ve been reading that blog “Stuff White People Like” lately and I realized that I’m pretty white since I like all that stuff 🙂
lemme present the same data (leftover, high quality women) with a different narrative –
there are a small number of AlphaMales (CEO’s, Quarterbacks, etc.) who literally have 10x the partners of the BetaMales (“normal” guys) (by contrast, the “partners curve” for women has a smaller “spike” at the end of the distribution — ergo, these guys are pairing up with a wide number of women rather than repeatedly pairing with a particular crew)
there are a larger number of Women who’d rather join the lottery for a single AlphaMale (e.g. the cheerleading team, the secretarial pool, etc.) or have an affair with him even after he’s married
those women, after the Alpha has paired off find themselves left behind and suddenly appreciating what the nice BetaMales brought to the table but alas, because he isn’t a QB or a CEO, they feel like they’re settling.
but many of those BetaMales already coupled with with a nice, normal BetaFemales
1 entry on list of stuff white people like? That blog “Stuff White People Like”. I just don’t get it. It is a perfect combination of the broad comedy, mild stabs at humor, and generic inoffensive characterization that is prevalent on the average weeknight sitcom.
“it is the woman that typically dictates if and when a marriage will occur”
I have a single 27 year old friend that would disagree…she’s a hot lawyer..she chose yes several times since she was 24…with no bite. When it comes to Desi women they usually can decide if they want to marry the man after a short period of dating, after that they just give the man ultimatums or press for marriage until the man commits. The balance of power is totally in the man’s favor.
“But, meanwhile, the “tier two†women claim their men with their womanly ways, thus removing them from the “game,†leaving the tier one women with fewer candidates that are perhaps, and I quote, “short, socially awkward, underemployed.â€
Disagree…the cool guys who also go to grad school…dont get married until 30.
“The article concludes with a warning. If you want to win this “game†then follow the advice laid out here. Aggressively choose a mate while you are still young. However, you must first believe that the “prize†is worth winning. That is a much more difficult question. A mate isn’t life’s only prize, or even its most important one depending on your view of things.”
Obviously a man wrote this article…and its like the blind leading the blind.
Maybe us men should run dating as a second price auction so that mate selection is strategyproof, and men and discover the true valuations that their bidders place on them. Of course, Vickrey auctions could be gamed by wingmen or cattiness (Section 4, bullet 3), but we already have those problems, don’t we?
My mom is a smart, attractive, single desi woman.
Despite the no-parent warning, I can’t help but wonder what Yo Dad thinks…
I agree and disagree with Natasha on the 2nd point; the 30 year old (& older) successful guys are somewhat confused, and seem to have commitment phobia. Ofcourse, finally they do get married…choosing most likely the tier-2 women, since they have spent so much time choosing…eventually passing up the tier-1 women of same age group. Again, I am talking about only the desi context:)
With desis, you MUST include parents in the analysis. Personally, based on observation, I think the reason a lot of ABD women are single in their 30s, is because in their 20s they held out for a desi guy to marry…mostly for their parents’ sake but also maybe to some extent for themselves…and in that process they let a lot of marriage opportunities with non-desi men go by. And I also think a lot of desi parents were too picky and indecisive when their daughters were younger, and held out for someone they perceived as ‘better’, in the meantime costing their daughters opportunities with ‘lesser’ men.
So women who could have been married to a gora or other non-desi many years ago, or even to a desi who at the time didn’t appeal to their parents enough, are now single and (assuming they desire marriage and are having a rough time accomplishing that) paying for it. In some cases it IS the parents’ fault.
Of course in some cases it is the young woman’s fault too, for poor decisions made while younger. And yes this applies to men too…even now I’m constantly at risk for making stupid decisions that have the potential to really mess things up for me. And I’m not even really young anymore. But anyway, overwhelmingly I think there are a lot of desi women struggling to get married who easily could have married someone 10 years ago if they had felt free to do so.
So, I read the paper and am confused. In the paper, the valuations are drawn uniformly from two intervals, with the “strong bidder” having a larger right endpoint than the “weak bidder”. The valuations are then revealed to the bidders, and their strategies are examined. The payoff in this case would be determined by subtracting the bid value from the valuation.
How does this translate to the “women choose” marriage game? Shouldn’t the valuation actually be the value women place on the guy? And, if anything, shouldn’t it be the bids that are drawn from different distributions? (since the “strong bidders” are capable of “bidding” much higher because they have more (social, or whatever) capital?). That is a very different auction than what the paper describes.
What am I missing?
14 · Rahul said
The sex polygon in Slate’s editorial staff?
What a tired theme. You’d think the “where have all the good men gone-what’s wrong with her” theories would have run out of steam by now, but clearly not. I think the only other subject more conducive to labels and pigeon holes is “of Indians” – by Indians, for Indians. (Very democratic, that.) Wha’evah!.
Amitabh writes: >>In some cases it IS the parents’ fault.
It’s always the parents’ fault (and I don’t use the words “always” and “never” casually).
M. Nam
Yoda actually said “Try not. Do, do. Or do not. There is no try.”
It’s always the parents’ fault (and I don’t use the words “always” and “never” casually).
M. Nam
Children dont have agency?
I agree with both Natasha and Bongo..I agree that a lot of desi women DO decide they want to get married early on, but have a hard time finding the right type of guy who is willing to commit. And that’s why I agree with Bongo in that a lot of desi guys have major commitment phobia. I know of lots of instances where a completely good and strong relationship is ruined exactly because it is good and guys start freaking out bc they are afraid to settle.
I do agree that you should never just settle for what’s good or okay, but at the same time if you find something great you shouldn’t run from it. Especially with all the crazies out there in the world today.
My theory: Men are happiest partnered with SLIGHTLY inferior women (slightly less intelligent, less powerful, less talented, less successful, less whatever EXCEPT for looks) and women are happiest with slightly superior men (again except for looks). So you have lots of pairings of the top 90% of men with the bottom 90% of women. Who is left over after all these pairings?
The top 10% of women and the bottom 10% of men.
Yes there are plenty of exceptions, and hence hope for all of us.
It has been shown that males, by choosing to do the asking, always get the best wife they possibly could, while females, by choosing to do the answering, get themselves the worst husband they possibly could. If this is not the case, the marriage is not stable, and the couple will break up to find other mates.
Take-home message – always get out there and ask, irrespective of how many Y chromosomes you have. You may run the risk of rejection, but the end result will be the best you could get.
(The stable marriage algorithm is used to match hospitals with interns).
I continue to be of the opinion that the only reason, rather the only good reason, why arranged marriage is still so overwhelmingly popular in India is because it has to be, otherwise a large percentage of Indian men would go through life as spinsters.
Apoligies to all the bright, attractive, intelligent and charming Indian men out there – I know there are alot of you (maybe even in the millions). But one “all India” road trip makes it glaringly obvious that alot of men in India would not be able to attract and woo a woman if left to his own devices in a free (marriage/meat) market of choice.
I don’t get that statement. Isn’t one reason why so many couples break up because the wife is not satisfied with the inferior quality of her husband?
My ex always complained that I did not respect him. It was true. I saw him as quite immature and beneath me in many respects. For once I would like to meet a man who has had more international experience than me, and who can carry a more interesting conversation than I can. Compete with me for God’s sake!
OMG, my dad just emailed me the link to this post! First, I can’t believe we both read the same blog! Second, is this his way of giving me “dating” advice and telling me I better hurry up and get married?!!?!? gulp
Abhi, this was a very depressing read early in the morning… Next time you blog about something like this, do it late at night so we can fully wallow in our self-pity 😉
23 · Gotta be said…. said
Yep, what with gay marriage still not being common, the only way for a spinster to marry a woman would be if the parents forced it. Now, if the man’s fate was to stay a bachelor on the other hand…
ObamaGirl, shouldn’t you be out making a Youtube video or something?
You are quite the catch there Gotta be Said, I’m sure almost sure my auntie just sent me on a date with you last summer….
26 · Rahul said
I think she meant this kind of spinster, Rahul, and have I got the man for her!
17 · MoorNam said
Wrong. It’s always the British colonialists’ fault, duh!
Language is evolutionary. Spinster has been reclaimed and redefined in a way different from it’s sexist days.
Otherwise, what would be the alternative male equivalent of “spinster”?
Well that was depressing. Guess I’ll just hang my 32 year old, successful, single, female self out to dry…
😉
31 · Gotta be said…. said
Last I heard, it was ‘bachelor.’ But maybe language has evolved too fast in the meantime.
33 · portmanteau said
The connotation of bachelor and spinster is so typically different and in-line with the double standard between males and females. When you hear bachelor you think George Clooney. When you hear spinster you think of ??? Can anyone come up with a famous spinster? Of course not, because they are hiding away in their houses, hoarding random items and living with 100 cats. 😛 People always feel sorry for spinsters that they could never find someone to marry. But people still believe bachelors, no matter how old, could still get married to some PYT.
Nope. Bachelor has a different connotation, just as bachelorrette has a different connotation than spinster.
One conjures up images of a life of lonely dispair surrounded by cats (cliche, but whatever), while the other conjures up images of fun and freedom, “single and lovin’ it” style.
Kind of like in Indian yogic or religious literature when they translate the word “brahmachari” to “bachelor”.
Brahmachari celibacy is implied in the word brahmachari. Celibacy is not implied in the word bachelor.
So then, what’s the male equivelant of “spinster”?
Aha! Gotta be said, I guessed you were PG right on comment #23, but your comment #35 established it. Welcome back, Pardesi Gori.
Intriguing theory, Nina. I think you might be on to something. But I noticed that you defined ‘inferior’ as someone less intelligent, powerful, talented and successful. 🙂
Nina was oviously being facetious, and this is a tired question, but I am curious:
Do women in general value money over character (kindness, being considerate, etc.) when choosing a mate? Do men value character over material success? Of course, making the simplistic assumption that these traits are mutually exclusive (which they are generally not).
(Have I been watching too many re-runs of Sex and the City? The question sounds a bit too much like SJP’s episode set-up hypothesis)
I ask only because I hear of more and more women back in the Des choosing less “successful” men over richer men.
Isn’t the takeaway from the article that older single women have far more capital than older single men? So, really, it’s the men who should be throwing themselves a pity party 🙂
And, I’m still hoping somebody will explain how the game theory result extends to the marriage market, as I’d asked in #14.
Some women do and in fact they seek it out. To them money is a turn-on or is what is most important to them. What else would explain unattrictive, older wealthy men often marrying very young, pretty women. But I have to say that character trumps money any day for me. In fact yesterday when I was taking BART home, a desi guy stopped to help a woman who had a bunch of bags and was having problems getting through the turnstile. He stopped and asked her if she needed help and if he could feed the ticket for because her hands were full. I just thought wow, what a nice guy and it didn’t hurt that he was good looking and tall 😉
abhi,
have you considered dating younger women (Satchel Paige never considered anyone over 25) …thus freeing you from the aging, perhaps….’cough cough’ judgemental tier 1s? just a thought 🙂
34 · puri said
I was still talking about dictionary meaning. And if peeps are talking about reclaiming words, how about using these words as what they strictly mean (ie to indicate marital status), and not in their pejorative sense? Bachelorette is a liberty I won’t take with the English language.
One thing kind of related to words and their implications – especially regarding single women.
Once my European friend and I were visiting another friend’s family in Maharastra.
The first night we were whisked off to another family’s house, sat down, presented with coconuts and other paraphenalia along with being fed and watched.
After some time of sitting, smiling, eating and conversing, we all left.
When we returned with our Maharastrian friends to their home, my European friend asked one of them, “what was all of that about?”.
They said it was “kanya puja”. She asked what “kanya” meant.
Answer: virgin.
We both looked at each other and smiled.
Then why use bachelor?
How about just single boy or single woman?
35 · Gotta be said… said
brahmachari= celibate student or ascetic brahmacharya= in the most restricted sense, implies control and sublimation of sex energy through the practice of celibacy
You say that, “[c]elibacy is not implied in the word bachelor.” Then, I take it, it is wrong to translate “brahmachari” as “bachelor.” In fact, I have rarely seen it translated this way.
PG your stories are becoming crazier by each passing avatar.
Pardesi Gori, don’t they discuss these questions in your ISKCON classes?
does anyone else suspect that the flood of such articles lately (e.g. lori gottlieb’s article in the atlantic monthly on the argument for settling) has something to with economic instability? when the economy goes to hell, people nest and have babies. conveniently, this pulls women out of the workforce thereby lowering the unemployment rate (measured by the number of people actively looking for work).
portmanteau,
As Rahul correctly ID’d her in 35, it is in your best interest not to engage her lest you want to hear about lingams, yonis and her multi racial exs 🙂
Single man please. [Unless you’re a NAMBLA spokesperson, PG. Which is possible considering your bahrupiya nature, and diversity in life experiences.] Actually, ‘single’ is good enough. Which is what people say now. He/She’s single.
41 · portmanteau said
How about cougar?