I take my duties as an aunt very seriously. Ever since I became a massi a year ago, I’ve started reflecting more and more on the important role that my aunts and aunties (the female family friends and mothers of friends) played in my life, both when I was a kid and in many cases, now. 
So, I’m not exaggerating when I say that one of my life goals is to be the best massi ever. I can’t help it that I want to be adored and worshiped by my nephew in the same way that I adored and worshiped my aunts (the sisters of my mom and dad who I called tata-French for aunt–or simply by their first names, as in Dipika or Poupee) and aunties (I can never forget the glamorous Auntie Veena in Ghana who baked cheese sticks for our picnic at the Tesano Sports Club in Accra when I was 10) throughout my childhood.
Which is why when I first heard about the UK bestselling tribute to the institution of aunty-dom, The Complete Book of Aunts, by Rupert Christiansen with Beth Brophy, I couldn’t wait to get my hands on it. It even includes “ten golden rules for aunts”! From the book jacket:
Of all our blood relations, an aunt offers the most potential for uncomplicated friendship. THE COMPLETE BOOK OF AUNTS is an entertaining and touching exploration of aunts in all their guises and varieties, culled from real-life, literary and historical sources.
The book was inspired by a kid’s question to the author: “Why are there aunts?” In response, Christiansen takes a thorough look at the etymology of the word aunt, the many words for it that exist in world languages, and great aunts in (mostly Victorian) literature. He also highlights various aunt types: Bargain Aunts, Mothering Aunts, Damned Bad Aunts, X-Rated Aunts, and Honorary Aunties (think of all the older desi ladies you call ‘auntie’). We’ve all had most of these varieties of aunts in my life (perhaps not the X-Rated Aunt!). And, I definitely know a little something about mothering aunts. From the ages of 6-11, I lived in Pune with my grandmother and my own massi (the fact that I called her by her nickname Poupee, rather than using a title of respect indicates not a lack of respect but just our level of intimacy), while my mom shuttled back and forth between my father who could not leave the politically tumultuous Ghana and her children, who were getting a “good education” in a relatively stable India. My aunt Poupee was, in effect, my surrogate mother. Throughout my childhood, I saw my mom and her as different sides of the coin of grace, protection, discipline, affection, and unconditional love.
While reading The Complete Book of Aunts though, I was also especially interested in the “Honorary Auntie.” (How many of us when we meet an older desi woman–even if it’s someone working at a shop–want to call her ‘auntie’?)
“The auntie is a particularly potent figure in India, crossing several complex linguistic and cultural domains. Probal Dasgupta’s study The Otherness of English: India’s Auntie Tongue (1993) explores the auntie as “a significant fact in the domain of English usage,” quoting Kamal K. Sridhar’s view that she “functions as a marker of Western sophistication among the upwardly mobile middle classes in urban and semi-urban India.” In Indian English, it emerges, “middle and upper middle class children who got to English-medium schools address their friends’ mothers as Auntie.” This cannot be new: In The Raj Quartet, Paul Scott’s novels about the British withdrawal from India in the 1940s, the ingenuous Daphne Manners shyly asks whether she can call Lady Chatterjee auntie.”
I’m not so sure that only kids who attend English-medium schools used the word “auntie.” I’ve had salespeople and hawkers call me “auntie” when trying to draw my attention to their wares. And, of course, street kids who knock on the windows of a car or hang out by the autorickshaw asking for a rupee or two — they’ve called me “auntie” too …
At wikipedia, the entry on Indian English had this to say about the use of the word auntie:
Use of the English words ‘uncle’ and ‘aunty’ as suffixes when addressing people such as distant relatives, neighbours, acquaintances, even total strangers (like shopkeepers) who are significantly older than oneself. E.g., “Hello, Swathi aunty!” In fact, in Indian culture, children or teenagers addressing their friend’s parents as Mr Patel or Mrs Patel (etc.) is considered unacceptable, perhaps even offensive—a substitution of Sir/Ma’am is also not suitable except for teachers. On the contrary, if a person is really one’s uncle or aunt, he/she will usually not be addressed as “uncle”/”auntie”, but with the name of the relation in the vernacular Indian language, even while conversing in English. For example, if a woman is one’s mother’s sister, she would not be addressed (by a Hindi speaker) as “auntie” but as Mausi (Hindi: मौसी). It is interesting to observe that calling one’s friends’ parents auntie and uncle was also very common in Great Britain in the 1960s and 70s but is much rarer today.
I want to know: What are your aunty or auntie memories? Are there any great aunts and aunties you know of in Indian folktales, mythology, contemporary literature, art, and movies (yes, I mean Bollywood too!)? Me thinks it’s time to pay tribute to the desi aunt and auntie.
Whatever they may be, to quote PG Wodehouse, “Aunts aren’t gentlemen” 🙂
Sandhya: A generic term such as “Aunt” is lacking the richness of Gujarati language (may be other Indian languages too !)in which we have: Maasi – Mother’s sister Phoi – Father’s sister Kaki – Father’s brother’s wife Mami – Mother’s brother’s wife
I have heard enough about Aunties and Uncles ;). Let’s hear more about Nephews and Nieces. Shall we?
Well I guess in Hindi too it is not as genric as aunty –
Massi – Aunt maternal Chachi – Aunt paternal ( younger) Tayi – Aunt maternal (elder)
Folks please add for other desi languages especially South-Indian since I have no clue about them.
I think it is in the gujju community, not sure about others, but we don’t have foi’s but faiba’s. when my grandmother died oh so many years back, the part in the name that is Ba started to really shine. my youngest faiba has every medical problem possible, she is doing her masters along with being a mother of three and a foster mother to a child with learning difficulties, working a full time job and still fulfilling her role as a awesome faiba. The world keeps knocking her down but she gets right back up. Without a doubt the strongest person I know.
3 · Bridget Jones said
Oops…Tayi is Aunt paternal (elder)
Two Bollywood movies come to mind-
Chachi 420
Aunty No. 1
In Indian porn (whatever little there is), ‘aunty’ is synonymous with MILF.
I was hoping we’d get going on the vast and complex words for aunt in the various indian languages.
bridget jones: in south india, (at least in tamil) maami is mother’s brother’s wife. chitthi is mother’s sister. in sindhi, puffi is father’s sister and chachi is father’s brother’s wife.
3 · Bridget Jones said
Telugu:
Atha/Athayya – Father’s sister or Mother’s brother’s wife Pinni/Chinnamma – Mother’s younger sister or Father’s younger brother’s wife Aamma/Peddamma – Mother’s older sister or Father’s older brother’s wife
Not saying that your aunts-in-law aren’t your aunts, but aren’t these the terms for your younger paternal uncle’s wife and older paternal uncle’s wife, respectively?
Sandhya, what a fantastic topic. My masi was probably the “favorite relative” among my siblings and myself throughout our childhood. She was a college and grad student when the three of us were little, and she taught us giddha and bhangra, took us to the hospital with her (she was in med school) to observe her lab tests on baby mice, and she always had the best candy and ice cream. It’s funny, because she was also a bit of a taskmaster/disciplinarian who, as a middle child, tended to side with my brother (also a middle child) on any sibling dispute. That was trying. I don’t know if the etymology is correct, but my fam always jokes that “masi” is a contraction of the words “maa si” (as in, “like your mom”), indicating that a masi is always a surrogate mother. I didn’t meet my bhuas until much later (and they’re both very affectionate and kind, although very far away), but I always wonder if there are different expectations around which “aunts” are more/less participatory.
The Punjabi phrases are… For your parents’ sisters: Masi – maternal aunt Bhua – paternal aunt
For your aunts-in-law: Mami – maternal aunt-in-law (mother’s brother’s wife) Chachi – paternal (younger brother) aunt-in-law (father’s younger brother’s wife) Thi – paternal (older brother) aunt-in-law
I always thought it was interesting that there are age signifiers for paternal brothers, but not for paternal sisters and none of maternal siblings.
sandhya to add to your list – periamma, athe in tamil ; chikamma, doddama,athe in kannada ; mavi, mavshi, mami, kaki, atya in marathi.
Any bongs out there ?
This is changing in some very westernised families…I’ve heard some people (admittedly few) use uncle or auntie instead of the relevant term in their native language…one of my family friends has her daughters call her sisters as Maasi, but they call the maasis’ husbands as ‘uncle’.
It’s part of a westernisation process and concurrent contraction of the Indian cultural world. How many young kids in urban India know of terms like ‘jeth’ or ‘jithani’ or ‘nand’, etc? Or even if they know them, they don’t use them. There’s also a growing informality…why call someone ‘bhabhi’ when you can just call them by their first name? So in the same way, ‘maasi’ and ‘chacha’ and other such terms are gradually getting phased out… for now only in some so-called ‘elite’ families.
9 · Camille said
Camille, You are probably right. I clubbed all aunt-in-laws as aunts too.
For me, I know that when my cousins’ kids call me ‘mama’ or ‘chacha’, it brings forth feelings of warmth and affection, as well as a sense of responsibility and connectedness, far more than if they were to call me ‘uncle’.
waves at Sandhya
Hey Sandhya! It’s Rekha from Chicago. Nice to see you blogging on one of my favorite time wasters!
Anywho, something I can finally sound (quasi) intelligent about!
Tamil: Chitti – mother’s younger sister or father’s younger brother’s wife Periamma – mother’s older sister or father’s older brother’s wife Athai – father’s sister (regardless if they are older/younger) Maami – mother’s brother’s wife (regardless if they are older/younger)
In Kannada, the words for the first two are chikamma and dodhamma, respectively. Athai and maami are the same.
Has everyone seen this shirt? Maybe someday I’ll be worthy of it. 🙂
Really?? I remember getting chewed out because I knew someone was my uncle, but couldn’t remember if he was a masar or a mama (I know that sounds stupid on my part, but once it gets into extended family — and I’m talking “oh, this is my grandmother’s sister-in-law’s nephew’s son” I get totally lost on appropriate terminology). Most of my cousins (all younger) and nieces/nephews use the appropriate Punjabi phrases; “auntie/uncle” are reserved for family friends, but would be considered really offensive if used with rishte.
I think it also must depend on the age difference. For example, I don’t really refer to my cousin’s husband as my “jija” (brother-in-law) face-to-face — I use his name, but I do use the term “jija” when I’m talking about him to someone else. I think it’s mostly because we’re all about the same age (within 2 years). However, I definitely refer to my other brother-in-law (about 8 years older than me) as “bhaji.”
“Poupee” is French for “doll”?
How has French slipped into the vernacular?
When kids or teens in India started calling me “aunty” instead of “didi”, it was a sad day indeed. It made me feel so old. And some started before I even reached 30.
Then my gurubhein said they will call even a young woman that who is not skinny, and she gets it too. OK, well that didn’t exactly make me feel great either. LOL.
Sometimes guys in the streets will make a weird noise and whisper, “auuuuntyji” in a sleazy way, and I guess that relates to the porn connotation.
Bengali
Khala – mother’s sister Mami – mother’s brother’s wife Phuppu – father’s sister Chachi – father’s younger brother’s wife Jetthi – father’s older brother’s wife
bess – it’s complicated! my mom grew up in morocco hence “tata” for all my aunts who lived there … (and “tonton” for uncle) … As for poupee, my mom’s sister (massi) acquired a french “petname” poupee during her childhood years in morocco. It stuck through adulthood — and all her r nieces and nephews just called her poupee, instead of massi … Funnily, now that I’m an aunt, my sister and I decided that her son was going to call me massi, not aunty. Since we didn’t get to use all these names during our childhood, it’s nice to be able to use them now. I too think of massi as “maa jaisi” – “like mother” … plus somehow massi feels younger whereas aunty always makes me feel old 🙂
In marathi,
maushi = mother’s sister aathya = father’s sister maami = mother’s brother’s wife kaku = father’s younger brother’s wife mothi-aayi = father’s elder brother’s wife
So, when you talk about good aunties in your life.. I start thinking about mine! And I just cannot relate some of these kaku/maami’s of my life to the word “aunty”. somehow!
wud i sound like an alien if I say I haven’t felt anything more of the aunties of my life than.. any other so called aunties.. = mom’s friends or neighbours..
My 2 cents: The same terms are used for aunties and aunties-in-laws, except we add jee to the end of the latter. E.g: Mami-in-law would be ‘Mami-ji’ and so on. No?
Thanks for the explainer, sandhya. I found it fascinating that French petnames would be used in Pune households. Now I understand and I just hope the language wasn’t the only Moroccan influence, not when there are tajines and mechouis to be had.
“Massi” sounds sweet.
6 · Victor Kilo said
This would explain all the hits I get from people searching for Debonair Aunty.
When I worked at the reference desk of a university library a lot of the girls would call me aunty when they came to the desk. Probably because I was active at other Indian community events and such. But more often these were young girls. Non-desi colleagues always got a laugh at this.
Are their fellow performers called Aardvarks?
I’ve forbidden my cousin’s/friend’s children to call me “aunty.” They can refer to me as masi, mami, bua, didi, akka, chechi, whatever. (Many of them refer to me by my first name–much to the horror of their parents. I prefer that over “aunty” any day!)
Where is the guide for Uncles?
Bengali (on the western side): father’s elder brother’s wife = JeThima, father’s younger brother’s wife = Kakima, father’s sister = Pisi(ma), mother’s sister = Masi(ma), mother’s brother’s wife = Mami(ma). ‘Ma’ (mother) at the end marks respect. Kaki and Jethi (without ‘Ma’-suffix) are less frequently used than Masi and Pisi. Masima is a common substitute of ‘Auntie’ for addressing unrelated elderly women. Didi/Boudi is used for younger women, so didi/boudi->masima is the dreaded transition. In addition to SES and English-comfort of the speaker, whether Masima is preferred over ‘Auntie’ might also depend on how western the addressee is perceived to be.
Right here.
I think I heard about this on NPR recently but how sweet. Aunties have a very special place in my heart. When my mom died a few weeks before my wedding an entire army of them came to my rescue and made a beautiful wedding happen. I lump them all together but some of them I was related to and others were relations of the heart.
My mom’s sister in law, her brother’s wife stepped into her very large shoes and was invincible. My mom’s best friend came from India for a few weeks and did everything my mom would have done to the T. My mother in law’s friends took on so many different roles. One made sure the mandap was impeccable and everything taken care of. Another one, a millionaire to boot who need not have to; stayed up all night to build my center pieces. Another one woke up at 3:00 am just to be available to help me in any way she could. And one followed me around after the wedding to make sure I ate something.
I cannot tell you how invaluable this little word “aunty” was for me that day. I missed my mom but not her presence. She was with me in the form of 10 different ladies many of whom I did not know very much before the wedding.
But I must say I have also encoutered this kind of aunty 🙂
How Indian is this? The concept of endearing all those older than us that we come across with aunty and uncle?
Not all aunts are made the same – I like pinni the bestest 🙂 I like all my pinni(lu) :))
it’s masi, not massi.
Oh come on now must we argue on how someone writes an Indian word phonetically in English? You knew what it was didn’t you?
I’ve had lots of “cool aunties,” some younger and some older than my mom. There was her sister who loved to tell dirty jokes around the kids, making her giggle and blush, and some more “honorary” aunties who would take us kids for street food that our mother frowned upon, or speak up for us when we did something un-kosher like move in with the boyfriend. Aunties are indispensable. The judgemental annoying ones you can always avoid.
Oh Aunties! The aunties in my life run a broad spectrum from surrogate mother to crazy bitch who makes rude comments to me and my mom at parties. But my nearest and dearest aunties are not blood relatives both those who I grew up with and are like family to me now. My friends and talk about the “family” our parents have created for themselves in the US and how amazing and humbling it is.
My mom has the distinction of being the favorite Masi and Phoi on both sides of the family. It’s amazing to see how they interact with her and the level of respect they have for her. I truly hope to have that someday as well, but seeing as how all my nieces are young right now, I can only bribe them with clothes 😉
On the flip side everyone has that one auntie who always has some sort of remark to make about you or what you are wearing or what’s going on in your life or lack there of. As I get older, I have a lot less patience for this kind of bull$#@! and I’ve been close to telling certain aunties off after they say something.
But the awesome aunties way outnumber the mean/rude ones. And now that I’m an auntie to my friends kids (still getting used to being called “auntie”), I hope to carry on the tradition and bonds that our parents have created.
to #31, sorry to hear your mother pass away before your wedding. That is too heartbreaking to even think about. One of my friends recently lost her mother, and so I just feel awful for anyone whose mother goes unfairly and unexpectedly at a young age .
I need to pick up this book – sounds good based on your review. Thank you to Sandhya for posting this info.
It’s very Indian. It’s common in India to uncle-ize/ aunty-ize people older than you. Conversely, on meeting you, people younger than you will uncle-ize/ aunty-ize you.
Also, the whole uncle/ aunty thing is not necessarily endearing. Said with the proper tone & inflection, uncle or aunty is regularly used to remind people of their (advanced) ages.
For e.g. Kyun uncle, kya ghoor rahe ho? meaning What are you staring at, uncle? Uncle here translates to dirty old man
I don’t like the unclizing and auntizing of everyone blindly. I have had certain discomfort with it from time to time. But saying Mr. Patel or Mrs. Kapoor sounds so formal and dry and cold though it’s not meant that way. Part of me feels like you should earn the uncle and aunty. I’m not 5 anymore that my parents could say “oh uncle ko nameste kaho”. Please hehehe.
30 · bess said
Since I have a niece and nephew now, that’s lame especially since I don’t go to Indian parties most of the time.
🙂
On uncle’ing/auntie’ing people: I think hilarity can abound both from uncle-ing/auntie-ing someone, but also from bhen/bhra-ing them. Anecdote: My family took a trip to my dad’s village, and a VERY older gentleman (easily in his 70s — about 20 years older than my dad at the time) kept referring to my dad as kaka (younger brother), but to my bhua as “bhenji” (older sister, or at least a sister of comparable age). He tried to reminisce with her about Partition, migration, the “old days,” etc. She was mortified — she’s younger than my dad and was born about 10 years post-Partition. We had a really hard time holding back laughter.
Anecdote 2: In Swahili the term of respect for an older (and I mean OLDer) gentleman is “mzee.” We were out and about, and a young man — probably late 20s — kept referring to our group leader as “mzee” (the group leader was no more than 1-2 years older than the local guy). Finally, out of frustration, our group leader called the guy “mtoto” (child) to indicate how ridiculous the terminology was.
I always try to think of these examples when thinking about how someone would perceive being sister’d or uncle’d by someone.
This must depend on your region, because it is NOT the same in Punjabi. Your mamiji is your mamaji’s (maternal uncle — mom’s brother) wife. Your masiji is your mother’s sister.
I thought we’ve done uncles before on a previous thread? What language are you looking for, lion? 🙂
I do it if I respect or like the person enough to raise him/ her to uncle/ aunty status. I also do it if it might curry favour with people.
The Indian stores I frequent are run by 1st Gen Indian immigrants. These people revel in being uncle-ized/ aunty-ized. Some respect, sweet talk & a few rounds of uncleji-ing/ auntyji-ing got me free food, discounts & stuff on credit.
We used to call them aunties as ‘bejar maamis’. Those were the days. We used to wait for those aunties to come and dry their clothes in the mottai madis and balconies.
Echo dat. luckily i dont know that many people and nobody invites the single 30 something male to family parties anyway :-). among the mixed HaDes relationships – one can use the first name. For the pure laine desis, I try to use first name + ji, eg JOATji, ANNAji in stead of auntie. It isnt that bad, because one can communicate respect via ‘aap’ or ‘vous’ versus ‘tu’ [en francais et punjabi vich] without using the names.
Agree that Mr Patel etc is really cold.
from a DBD grad student’s point of view : A lot of us have aunts who we only knew about while growing up… they got married to “NRIs” in the 70s/80s and there once in 4-5 year visits were inadequate to form any kind of bonds. True, we enjoyed the American candy and California raisins that they got for us… but that was that. However, once we come to this country ourselves, we discover someone who fills in for your own parents. Their home provides with the “warmth of a home” that we miss, and we are surprised at how much they are like your own mother… in spite of having a very different life for the last 25 yrs!
I am grateful for the aunts I never knew before I came to the US for gradschool!
6 · Victor Kilo said
And two cultural references from the Occident – Graham Greene’s travels With My Aunt & Rosalind Russell’s movie (& later a hit Broadway show with Angela Lansbury) Auntie Mame. And of course, PG Wodehouse as the first commentator mentioned.
I don’t like calling people I hardly know uncle and aunty just because there are of Indian origin. I prefer to call them by either their first or last name depending on how close I am to them and they don’t seem to mind, in fact most are relieved to not be called the dreaded uncleji and auntyji.
I grew up in a fairly non-traditional house, but I was wondering if anyone else grew up calling very close family friends (read: people who’ve known me since I was born) ‘masi’. Alternately, a number of my dad’s college friends married white americans, but my brother and I never referred to these people as aunty/uncle. Is this a common practice?
Does anyone know why BBC is called aunty beeb?
Abhi, it is your duty to do an uncle piece now. Chachaji, did you hear that?