From my Facebook inbox:
Hi,
So… I have no idea why I’m sending you a message. Yes, I do. I’m freaking out right now. I’m freaking out because I failed my Accounting exam (meaning I’m one step away from being dropped from my Business program), and I’m going to make what seems like a radical move in my academic move in my career.
I remember a post you did a few weeks (maybe months) back where this girl had such a similar situation. She was basically doing a major for her parents, and I have for the past year and a half been doing Business. I know I hate it. My friends know I hate it. But somehow I rationalized it in my head to make it work so that I was making a sacrifice. But the truth is probably that I’m scared shitless at my parent’s reaction if they knew I was even CONSIDERING switching to become an English major. They will freak out, and consequently, I’m freaking out right now.
I’m sorry if I’m rambling. I just got done with an hour long convo with my best friend who kept trying to reassure me that being an English major is not so bad and my parents will just have to deal. I don’t feel any better. I have no idea how to determine if this is the right decision. I really don’t want to talk about it anymore with people close to me, hence, I’m leaving you this incredibly long message, partially in an attempt to get it out, and partially because for some reason, you’re like my Indian Dear Abby.
You really don’t have to reply… I know I must sound strangely pathetic right now. But again, I’m freaking out. I don’t know if I should tell them or if I should just graduate and have it be a surprise (joke… kind of). They might pull me out… I’m not sure what will happen if they find out. Right now, I’m thinking I don’t tell them. Do you think this is a good idea?
I don’t really have that many Indian friends, and I find it hard to find people who relate to my freaking out. It’s always been the same old “do what you love and fuck the rest” little miss sunshine philosophy with them… which is fine when you don’t have two extremely strict and not-so-forgiving parents. (My parents) mean well, and that’s why I didn’t mind doing business, because I feel they’ve given me a lot and I should give back. But now, I’m at the point where it’s impossible for me to do that. I don’t know…I’ll end it here.
::
[I’m going to call you Maya, because you’ve gone through enough, the least I can do is protect your privacy.]
~
Dearest Maya,
You don’t sound pathetic, you sound very scared and you have every right to sound scared, not to mention grim, confused and alone.
Thank you for trusting me enough to write what had to be an excruciating email.
Thank you for thinking so highly of my abilities that you believed I could in any tiny way be of assistance to you during one of the most challenging periods of your life. I am touched and humbled that you think I might have answers to the exact same questions I do and have asked, of myself, of others.
Will you believe me when I tell you that you’re going to be okay? That everything is going to be all right, though it sure as taxes won’t be easy? I’m naively exhorting you to buy what I’m selling because 14 years ago, I was you.
And it was horrid.
I felt depressed, anxious and hopeless.
I wouldn’t wish it on certain commenters here.
I desperately wanted to change my major– my Political Science was your Accounting/Business. You see, I had not even chosen PoliSci for myself– my father had, when I went “on strike” and refused to fill out the UC application, to protest his refusal to consider Barnard or Sarah Lawrence, a school I was so interested in, that when I was 13, I wrote the admissions department. They sent their “precocious young friend in California” course catalogs, letters and little tchotchkes every year. For four years I imagined going there and when it came time to send my application, my father wouldn’t write the check.
“You’re going to UC Davis. That is final.”
“I don’t WANT to go to Davis. Why can’t I at least apply to Berkeley?”
“Because you can’t drive to Berkeley, daily.”
And there it was. I sat there and wept in an emotional stand-off (sit-off?). In the middle of us, the University of California application and an “auspicious” Waterman pen waited.
“I’m not filling that out. I want to go to New York.”
“You’re too young, you’re only 17.”
“I’m not filling it out.”
“Then I will.”
I was stunned. “But…you don’t even know what I want to major in…”
“Of course I do. I called Judge _____ and they said the three most popular majors for law school applicants are Political Science, Economics and History. Political Science will be your major. Finished.”
See, this is where you’re better than me Maya– I gave little importance to the “but they’ve sacrificed so much!”-angle, because I was so totally wounded and heart-broken. My parents had suffered and endured much to give me all they could; now it was my turn to commence repaying that impossible debt.
And I didn’t want to.
Not at 17, at least. It’s different when you’re old and almost 33, but I digress. So I know, dear girl. I know what it feels like to be yoked to a course you did not choose and do not want. And I am so, so sorry.
A year in to college, I tried to make the best of a frustrating situation. My International Relations class was a revelation, so was Comparative Lit. I was fluent in Spanish and taking Intermediate French. Maybe…there could be a compromise? IR was similar to Poli Sci…and my father’s favorite niece was an expert on all things Shakespearean. I felt a tiny flare of hope.
Obviously, it was stomped on.
“No, absolutely not. Go find something productive to do.”
Unlike you, it didn’t even occur to me that I could change my major without some permission slip. I miserably muddled along in Political Science, cramming my schedule full of the stuff I REALLY liked: ancient history, french lit, religious studies.
And I grew so resentful. And guilty for growing resentful. And then paralyzed for feeling guilty. It was a craptacular situation I found myself in, which only worsened when I told my father I wasn’t going to apply to Law School. By my final year, I was burned out and bitter. I had been in a near-fatal car accident, I had commenced the school year with an assault I hadn’t dared come to terms with and I was lost. I took an incomplete in one of my required classes, but never told my parents about it. When I walked in my graduation ceremony, I felt like the biggest fraud, ever.
I was certain of only one thing– that I was a massive failure and that my future was being destroyed by every second I cried, simpered, whimpered and wavered. I couldn’t conceive of my parents reacting in any positive way to what I needed to tell them. It was pure misery and I remember the maelstrom so well, I was crying by the end of your message. It all came back to engulf me, immediately and brutally.
But like you, I didn’t have the heart to tell them the truth. I was scared to tell them. And that was a huge mistake, one which caused an already toxic situation to deteriorate.
When my parents found out that I had lied to them, not only did I hurt them more than I ever had, I disappointed them and lost all of their trust. I didn’t think it was possible to feel worse than I had during the “Should I change my major”-quagmire, but guess what? I FELT SO MUCH WORSE. Now I wasn’t just a failure, I was in emotional exile. So as impossible as this sounds (and yes, I know it’s easy for me to type– you’re the one who has to face the parental firing squad) ‘fess up.
After you do, head to the school counseling center and see if they have anyone with experience in “cultural” issues. That was the vague thing I mumbled and they understood. While there was no one desi to talk to (for free, I might add!), I was matched with a 2nd Gen Mexican American who picked grapes to put himself through college.
I often contend that we have more in common with others than we care to admit and I’m right. He understood it all, the anxiety, the guilt, the obligation…the isolation, the confusion, the doubt. AND IT WAS FREE. Avail ye of such beneficial things, when they are offered; the fact that I did changed everything. I wish our community could get over our dangerous, unnecessary issues regarding the stigma associated with seeking help, whether via talk therapy, meds or both, but that’s another post.
Breathe through the freak-out. It sounds stupid, as advice goes, but it’s surprisingly significant. I never noticed it until a few years ago, but I’m a really shitty breather. And when I’m stressed or losing it, if I’m not taking worthless, shallow-little gasps, I’m hyperventilating. Both bad. Breathing good.
No really, it calms and brings clarity. Calm and clarity are your friends.
Make radical moves if you choose to, but not out of despair or more accurately, depression. When you’re low, you’re thinking differently. Me, I try to refrain from deciding anything important at moments like that (cough.entire.month.of.dec), because my perspective is skewed. When I’m “normal” and I have a bad day at work, I grimace and bear it and think, “this is a bad day at work”. When I’m depressed, I catastrophize: “this is the worst day EVER. this is the worst job EVER. omg, i should quit. OMG, I CAN’T AFFORD TO QUIT!” Etcetera ad nauseum. When you’re calm, well, that’s the moment to change your life.
I think you should be commended on recognizing that something isn’t working for you. I spent years in jobs, relationships and other situations which weren’t working for me, because of a variety of reasons which are too stupid to recount. Realizing that “this is not working” is not the same as “I am a fuck-up”. Took me a while to be able to discern betwixt the two. “Hmmm. Maybe I am not so bad, the situation is.” Ah, look! Different situation, and I am fine. Whew.
Your parents will get over it, if they are like 90% of parents, because parents love you more than anyone else ever will; they want you to be happy. They want you to thrive. If you are in the unfortunate 10%, and your parents are abusive, indifferent or very, very capable of grudge-holding…then, my sympathies.
When my cousin Nisha married a white guy almost ten years ago, my father’s livid outrage was only exceeded by my Uncle’s. They were ranting, “and…he’s a CATHOLIC!” when they weren’t announcing that she was dead to them. Dead, I tell you. Dead! Two years after that, a very cute baby was born and my Uncle melted. See? They get over things. It’s not easy or fun, but eventually…they move on from the bad place. That’s not to say that your life won’t suck while they get it together but I warned you, none of this is going to be glitter and my little ponies.
You mentioned that you are worried your parents might “pull you” out if they discover what is afoot; I think you mean, “cut you off from the comforting font of cash which comes with much string”. Maya, I implore you to do something I didn’t do, because I was too naive and scared: explore financial aid. Lots of kids don’t have their parents paying for everything, including dual-ended highlighters with embedded post-it flags. They actually survive despite this shocking handicap and graduate. And then, like me, they spend their entire life fretting about their student loans. Pull you out/cut you off does not equal “the end”.
Your final two sentences contain your answer.
But now, I’m at the point where it’s impossible for me to do that. I don’t know…I’ll end it here.
If it’s impossible, then it is just that. Do not continue to trudge towards a dead-end. End it here. Take a few huge deep breaths, have a contingency plan (ahem. financial aid, yo!) ready and tell them the seemingly unbearable truth. Visit the counseling center and make an appointment to cry to someone far more qualified than me. Be extra nice to yourself– after this cluster, you deserve it.
Now, after that awfully difficult to-do list, I’m going to tell you two things NOT to do.
1) Don’t give up on yourself. Ever. English majors make the world a better place. Once, when I was a pre-teen, I shyly told my Hapa pediatrician (whom I loved so much, I saw her until I was 22) that I wanted to study ancient history, not medicine or law. She told me how very important that was. “The world needs scholars and artists just as much as it needs doctors and lawyers.” Believe in your choices and wishes and work to make them reality. You are not defined by this situation. You are not doomed. You are going to be okay, eventually.
2) Don’t imagine the worst. If you had told me, way back then, that despite NOT going to law school and NOT getting married and NOT doing anything else for my parents to be that proud of, that I would survive such scandal and be fine with it, I would’ve laughed. If you had told me that I’d live in the city I’ve wanted to move to since my fifth grade trip to the Smithsonian, that I’d have just enough of a salary to pay for rent in my favorite gay nabe AND cover my student loan payments, and that most of the time, I’d feel cheerful and grateful, I would have burst in to tears while exclaiming that such a scenario was a sick, cruel joke, an impossible-to-reach 22k ring.
But I’m here.
And for the most part, I’m okay. If I’m not okay, it’s because of trolls and missing dead family members, but that has no bearing on any of this. None of the things I did when I was your age, in your shoes caused the problems I have now. So, trust me when I tell you that you will be okay.
I am.
You will be, too.
Love and much culturally-relevant fussing,
Akka
p.s. I feel you on the “other people don’t understand”-bit. Even if you aren’t so outwardly desi, your heart is, and you are bound to values and expectations that many people can’t fathom. Smile when these people tell you not to effin’ worry about it. Then remember that there are thousands of us who know exactly how torn you are, who feel just as obligated to our families and who understand that when it’s least tolerable, the hyphen in our identity becomes a tight rope.
You’re not the only one.
did it ever strike you to get that medical degree and then going in for a PhD in Sociology. You sure would have been a hot property in the field of sociology. Once you became a Sociology Professional, no one would care that you were last in your Med Class. Others may have said it – the variability in incomes for certain professions is higher than others. Certain professions have higher median wages and the lowest wage is often higher. Often desi parents have seen poverty and that is why they are constantly harping on getting a career that has the least possible chance of going hungry. How many investment bankers / doctors do you know who are ‘working poor’? How many artists do you know who are ‘working poor’. Education is often used as a signalling device – a signal that you are intelligent and are hardworking.
Maya,
I can absolutely understand what you are going through–I went through the same thing a few months back (I switched from pre-med to english). At the end of the day, YOU are going to be the one doing the studying and YOU are going to be the one doing the career. Your parents might not accept it now, no matter how much reasoning you give to them, but you have to hope that one day they will be able to get over it once they see how you’re happy in your chosen field. Good luck with everything!
even the dumb jackaroo from down under agrees 😉
Maya, a mind is a wonderful thing to waste, as they used to say….
43 melbourne desi —
it is still not too late to go to law school….
44 · ak
don’t do it, ANNA (or anyone else)! 😉
There’s a working fallacy abroad that goes, law school is a great idea even when you’re 90! But don;t believe it~ that’s for people who are living on yogurt and can cross swords at that age.
Maya, I think you should do what you love, and you should tell your parents how you feel [and I think you should ignore this commentary on how life sucks as a humanities major]. The worst case scenario is that they could revoke funding/support, but you could plan/work around that. It might feel terrible, but I have a feeling it will feel a lot worse to continue in your current field, hating your college experience.
When I was 18 I gave up my dream university to attend my (then distant) second choice because, with the higher fees of a private school, my parents wanted a much greater say over my academic program. They never threatened to pull funding, but I knew that I would have a hard time living with the guilt of not pursuing the program they wanted if they were sacrificing financially and personally for me to have an exceptional college experience. I went to an awesome public school (which ended up being perfect for me), worked my way through college, and majored in political economy and minored in African American Studies/Creative Writing. My parents still don’t understand what I study, and despite my dad’s tentative, “Beta, can you still pursue engineering?” the summer before my senior year of college, I know that they love me and that it all worked out. Your parents will love you, too, even if it takes them some time to realize that life has many paths for us.
The thing that’s really hard for parents to figure is they can’t protect their kids from the future because those kids are going to be the future, and will be running the world, carrying the day, creating stuff that obviously hasn’t been thought of, so the benefits and dangers lurking in the future are beyond the normal parent’s imagination. It’s really a parental fear of the unknown and a need to make sure you don’t fall on a knife when they’re not looking or miss the same speedboats they missed, when actually everybody will be windsurfing or something by the time it makes any difference. As a parent, you can count on getting almost everything wrong except the human huggy stuff.
Great headline/title, Anna!
I did a Classics B.A. and got plenty of gainful employment; I later got an econ Ph.D. and now teach at a state U.
A lot of parents haven’t wrapped their heads around the large differences between the U.S. and Indian higher ed systems and particularly what it means to major in something here. For business or law school it really doesn’t matter what you major in as long as you do well; most of my English-major and comp-lit friends from undergrad days are now rich lawyers or software entrepreneurs. If you want to do science or engineering or medicine there are certain things you should get done at the undergrad level, but for the most part, BAs in the US are simply not vocational degrees. What you are doing instead is building intellectual muscle that will give you flexibility to do different things later in life.
Maya, I realize saying “a BA isn’t a vocational degree anyway” may not be the most powerful argument to make to your parents right now — and from their side, they are anxious about your ability to support yourself. I would suggest looking for on-campus resources — you should have a career center, and a good English department will have an undergrad advisor. Make appointments and chat and ask for resources, ask if they have data about the career trajectories of their students. Believe me, you are not the first humanities major, or potential humanities major, to have worried, if not hostile, parents.
For more ammunition google “what can i do with a major in english”
Maya, it will be difficult (considering a “less practical” future, dealing with your parents’ worries/anger) but you might as well struggle for something you do want, rather than something you don’t. Follow your heart. From personal experience, I can say that having a dream and following it, as cheesy as it sounds, can be uplifting in the worst of times… you just have to remember what you’re working for. Your parents will eventually come around, especially when you can demonstrate your happiness and independence. Good luck!
Great post, Anna!
and
(Tongue in cheek) If you folks had not wasted your precious college education majoring in Poly.Sci or English or Film Studies or Undecided or any of the gazillion other useless majors that seem to generate all the Bikram yoga teachers of the world, and instead had taken up Engineering/Science forced upon you by your desi parents, then you would know that the hemisphere-dependent-toilet-swirling is just an urban legend. The coriolis force, which is supposedly responsible for this bogus effect, acts at length scales that is comparable or within an order of magnitude of the size of the rotating object (earth, in this case). Think hurricanes, which are hundereds of miles wide, and not toilet bowls, a few inches wide. I had to get it off my chest. Feels good. Engineers Rock. IITs rule. yoohoo. w00t.
Hi Jyoti!
Contact me off list. I’m interested in doing docs, too (MA in Film and TV, with tons of post colonial sloshing around):-). Are you still in Davis? maybe we can talk during the break when I take a break from sunny SoCal and go thataway up north.
dude maize and blue and brown – it’s a good job taking apart the myth, but the slag on maya’s (or any other person’s) educational choices is unwarranted. there are people who’ve taken lib arts courses and are basically pushing paper in jr administration, and there are the human dynamos who’ve taken english or philosophy or skipped school altogether and are blazing new trails. but all that’s another debate.
maya was nervous about telling her parents about the flunking and the older cynical me is led to think that it could be a few parties too many that might be causing the guilt trip, or it could be that extra loan by the parents that is a throbbing sliver in the brain… either way – coming clean is the best alternative – and making amends is the honorable thing to do – it might be a promise to pay off the loan (?) herself, or take extra credits elsewhere, or just eating humble pieyasam for a while, without being ovely acquiescent of course.
I really empathize with Maya’s situation and I hate to act like a desi uncle, but I have seen way too many people changing majors because they think they new one is cool or would be very interesting and they don’t turn out to be as cool as they had originally thought.. Way too many people then just go along with that because they see the danger of being seen as a person who vacillates.. This might have absolutely nothing to do with Maya’s case, however, whenever I hear somebody wanting to change their major, that is the first thing that I think of.. Are you sure English is right for you.. I had a close friend who fought tooth and nail with her parents about changing from Pre-Med to English (She was spectacular in pre-med, 4.0ed most of her classes), and now she’s like, ‘bleh, this sucks’, but won’t admit it to anybody but her closest friends..
Hey Maya,
Plenty of good advice above me so I’ll just add the bit that I learnt from both my brother’s and my own experience with our parents:
Tell your parents immediately. Tell them the truth.
Ok, so it’s going to be scary and their initial reaction may not be positive at first but they’ll come around. They love you, of course they’ll come around, you may be surprised at how quickly they do too.
Ultimately, if you don’t tell them, I think you will end up hurting them more. They’ll probably be upset that you felt you could go to them when you really needed them, or that you were being deceitful when you really weren’t (and that’s the kind of ammunition that can be brought up when they’re mad at you for something entirely unrelated). Just be open, honest and gentle with them, I’ve always found that’s the best way.
Good luck!
probably pretty close to the truth. no excuses for flunking especially accounting 😉
Touche.
Maya, hang in there, baby, you’ll come out just fine. You’ve identified the issues and are trying your best to deal with them. On-campus resources are great, but if you have a relative or a close family friend who you know would be supportive of your switching majors, engage them to help you in the process of breaking the news to your parents.
Believe it or not, 20 years ago, I WANTED to go to law school after scraping together a chemistry degree, but my parents wanted me to become a Ph.D. scientist or an MD instead, so applying to law school was out of the question. Luckily, my dad attended a conference and “learned” from one of his colleagues that lawyers with science degrees could become patent attorneys and make tons of money. My dad came back from the conference a changed man, and the next day, I applied to law school — with his blessing.
Sometimes it’s not the message, but the messenger, that makes all the difference. I need an English major to correct the errors in that last sentence!
How are comments like melbourne desi’s – 64 and similar helpful? Insulting Maya while she’s already in crisis (and don’t listen to them, Maya.. there isn’t anything in this world that is easy for everyone) doesn’t help the situation at all. Maya needs support, not to sink further..
And thats why the CA & CPA exams have such high pass rates !!! 😉
Now I’ve seen everything. An IIT fanboy who yells “yoohoo” instead of “woohoo” and attacks others with drive-by fluid mechanics lectures. Sometimes it’s OK to let some minor technical inaccuracy slide.
::
Maya, others upthread, starting with Anna, have pretty much covered it all. From my personal experience, arm yourself with information before you meet your parents. Keep a plausible answer ready for questions on income levels (this is as much for your own benefit as for theirs). If it comes down to principle, keep in mind that your career is something that can be expected to outlast your parents’ lives, and that they really shouldn’t be making huge decisions for you when you have much more to lose. Don’t be a rebellious teen on this one, and don’t ask them for career advice like a subordinate asking a superior. They are much more likely to accept your decision if you have the facts on your side, and if you indicate gently that you have chosen to keep them in the loop but that the decision will be up to you alone.
I can’t believe I’m saying this…but for once…I’d actually like to know Moornam’s take on this issue.
we are talking about college grade accounting. CA/CPA exams are in a different league altogether. To pass a CA /CPA exam requires the equivalent of a B+. To pass a college exam a ‘C’ is more than adequate. Please correct if wrong.
We are the ‘bad cops’. Heaps of ‘good cops’ around 😉
I think majoring in English is terrific (I actually majored in math and natural sciences and I have lots of respect for the English and Humanities graduates). It is a versatile major and people who are English majors are very creative and flexible. In other words, you can follow so many career paths after earning an English degree. I know English majors who are in the technical writing field, the insurance industry, and teachers at the (junior and senior) high school level and one who is an English professor.
There was a very similar thread (complete with MoorNam comments) on this topic a few months ago. In that case the “approved” profession that the student was being pushed towards was medicine. I can’t really sum up my thoughts on the issue any better than I did in my reply from the first thread, so apologies for the repost:
I don’t think insulting someones intelligence or commitment under such stress is helpful, whatever role you’re trying to play, it’s mostly just a dick move.
Dari, I know it’s very possible to be successful with a liberal arts degree, it’s a lot harder though. As others have said, you need to plan better, you won’t be handed a job on graduation like engineering/accounting grads are. You’ll probably have to specialize in something, an MA, an LLB (or JD as you call it), something extra is needed.
As a confused, guilt-ridden kid applying to colleges, I felt the same pressure. Strangely, it wasn’t as much from my parents (who were quite forward-thinking in that they supported my decision to study journalism) as from the rest of their friends. We weren’t very involved with other Indian families in St. Louis, but the few who came over always asked what I would do with my B.A. in Journalism. When I changed that mid-semester to English, they were doubly confused. Don’t you already speak it? What can you do with that? Two years out, I admit it I’m not swimming in bullion, I found meaningful work and to this day, I still credit moms for taking me aside after one of my dad’s standard ‘you’re wasting your life’ tirades and giving me one life-saving piece of advice:
“Do what feeds your soul.”
This situation, I am sure, resonates so strongly amongst so many of us. Its so unfortunate that in many cases, South Asians in America are not given the chance to really go after the American Dream and really pursue their happiness. Its sad because in the long run writers and artists could easily have comfortable careers in the middle and upper classes, and often South Asian parents don’t see this. However while maybe the situation is mos jaring when it comes to English vs Medicine or Engineering, I think we overstate how little our parents generation values pure, non-applied science as well. There are three subjects I love: Mathematics, Physics and most importantly economics. I would love to study for the sake of studying, and I have little interest in working in a plain old engineering job, which looks like my future now. I think the problem is NOT that South Asian parents only care about us becoming professionals, it is much broader than that. I think that the mere act of our parents fulfilling their dreams successfully makes them absolutely sure about what their dreams are for us as well. If you look across our community here in America, you will find remarkable inconsistency in what these dreams are…for example for Anna her parents choose law school…my parents would kill me if I chose law over medicine or engineering. However the problem is that they are not giving us the option to discover for ourselves, to get lost, to fail without excessive pressure.
I am saddened by the lost opportunities of our so ridiculously talented generation. I am currently at grad school at an ‘elite’ engineering school, and every year I see highly talented SAAs who could one day change the world through cutting edge research choose instead to work for Boeing or IBM. Their parents are abhorrent at the idea of them frittering their time away at school when they could be earning money and starting a family.
For one I believe these experiences are going to give us a chance to redeem our community by giving our children real chances to find their genius and to pursue it at their own pace, in their own way. If we could combine this with the values of ambition and work ethic that our parents DID provide, I think we can only increase our success even further.
Great Advice Anna, Maya, you should totally do what you like. I will give you my example. Till my 10th standard I wanted to be a lawyer in India, but my parents wanted me to become an Engineer(I know, the priority list of parents is a little different back home!). I ultimately ended up being an engineer. Now I am in US and am pretty good at my work and earn a pretty nice living. But lately, going to work everyday is like torture, there is no excitement and I defintely know I can be happier then this! I am just counting days when I can move on to do something else. I frequently think about the decision I made around 10 years ago and everytime I couldnt help but wonder how much better life would have been If I have taken the other option.
Another thing I will like to say is to be aware of and own up the consequence. You might choose a major which might not be as financially rewarding as Medicine, business, law and it might bring you a bit of grief when you see others struggling less as compared to you financially. But you have to make the decision what’s more important, money or satisfaction in life. End the end I am so jealous of all the lucky bastards who are in a financially rewarding fields and also cannot wait to reach work every morning.
I just have to add one thing. Regardless of your situation remember it is not too late to really go after what you love. I have an uncle who as a doctor until he was 45, and just decided last year to go after his dreams and pursue a PHd in physics. In my family this was such a mind-opener and now even my dad is considering relinquishing control of his consulting firm to go back to school in mathematics. In addition my parents pressure on me to quit with a Master’s and start working has relented significantly. Certainly your financial situation does make a difference, but as the previous poster said it is WORTH a few million bucks to have the greatest possible life you can. So if anyone out there is debating, go for it, take what your parents throw at you while trying to convince them that you are right. One thing that worked with my parents was reminding them of how often they regret not going after what they wanted, and also that they still have the chance in some measure to achieve that even now. Besides my dad going back to school, my mom has always wanted to be a politician and is now running for city council. Showing them that they still had a chance, has really improved the environment in my family, and for once there is really no tension at home…
Maya, I am honored to see that you find it important to solicit advice from me knowing that sending an email to Anna will eventually reach me via her need to put this on the blog. OK, OK. I thought a little humor would defuse the tension you are feeling.
I see it as simple. Your best option is to pursue the major you want and put up with the anger from your parents. Well if you could have done that, then you wouldn’t be writing that letter.
If you feel like the anger you face from your parents is more unbearable than the boredom you incur by pursuing a business major, then buckle up and treat the business major courses not as a dead end, but as a way to defuse a situation. Just as rebellious teens will go to great lengths to leave their room at night without their parents knowledge, consider this business major as a mere hurdle to your life’s goals. Get it over with , your parents are happy, and then you bolt to something else. It is obvious from your letter that you are not interested in becoming a doctor or a lawyer. So, your major really does not matter. I know many people in IT with English majors. I know IT majors who went into movies. Treat getting decent grades in business as a challenge to overcome on your way to your true path.
Treat it as a game. You can tailor your electives to make a double major or having a minor easier. Down the road in your life, no one even bothers to look at what you majored in college. Your life experiences will be more imporant. So just buckle down and finish the major. You will find that the business courses become easier to ace once you know it’s not a dead end path.
Then again, if your interest is to become an English professor and remain in academia, then you got no option but to either switch majors or double major.
Also, the courses you take in business major can be a foundation if you ever choose to set up a business which involves your life interests. The only purpose of a business major is not necessarily for you to enroll in an MBA program later on.
ANNA, can the parents’ side have the microphone for a minute? Don’t worry, kids, I will be fair.
I came to this country in 1973 with a single burning desire – to wear my Harris tweed with leather elbow patches, smoke my brier and teach English Literature, not necessarily in that order. So I got my Master’s in Lit – thesis on metadrama in Elizabethan plays, to be precise. Unfortunately, the American academic job market, especially for humanities, was already heading south in the seventies, and since I did not particularly relish the idea of driving a cab for the rest of my life and had that huge Indian male macho thing to be a good provider to your auntie-ji, I sold my soul to the devil and went to B-school. And guess what? After the first year in the graduate program, I found business, especially Marketing, to be very creative. I have been working since 1977, held great corporate jobs through 1982 until I founded my first company. In 2000, I founded my second. I love the randomness, serendipity, problem-solving and most importantly, the people aspect of business. Thank god business is not a science, though every B-school professor told me it was. It is art.
The moral of the story is that sometimes a new field can grow on you if you give it a chance. If you start to spark to something in law or engineering or business, try to fan that fire. Maybe it will turn out great. Or maybe you will get burnt.
Now comes the good part. We desi parents are absolutely nuts to insist that our children follow certain desi careers despite their individual talents. We are still time-warped in India or Sri Lanka or Pakistan, countries where you could actually end up dirt poor if you chose theater or art as your vocation. BUT THAT’S NOT THE CASE IN AMERICA. The difference between an English major’s income potential and a doctor’s is only of degree. Even if the English major failed to a get a decent academic position, he or she could do something that would generate a comfortable middle-class existence. What’s so terrible about living your whole life in a small house, driving a small used car, spending your vacations visiting relatives and friends rather than flying to Europe? You will eat the same food as the doctor, listen to the same music, and in America, your children will wear the same clothes and go to the same school.
Then why do the first generation desi parents force their kids to become doctors, lawyers and engineers? There is only one answer, and no desi parent will ever admit it to their children. It is called pride. It is NOT the concern for our children’s economic welfare. It is OUR pride, And that, boys and girls, is the unvarnished truth.
Having said that, I will be the first to confess that I suffer from the same PRIDE syndrome that most desi parents do. But at least I am cognizant of my frailty. I guess Literature does teach you to understand your emotions a little bit.
melbourne desi, your constant harping on whether or not her failing her accounting class indicates her competency really borders on assholery. There are a thousand reasons why someone could be doing poorly in a class that are totally unrelated to their personal capacity — stress over their academic choices (or lack thereof) is certainly one of them. I’m with lurker on this one; it’s not playing “bad cop” — it’s a dick move.
Maya, change majors as often as you want. Your major does not define what you do in life, or your options, and further, with the exception of grad schools and business consulting jobs, no one cares about your GPA 3-5 years out of school. I’ve been talking to my cousin (who is, in typical overachieving ABD fashion, going after a triple major and double minor in unrelated fields) who is grappling with whether or not to drop her Econ major because she was told it was her only “skill-based” degree. She’s doing fine, but wants to take more classes that she enjoys — I think that alone is worth it.
Also, the folks railing against “worthless majors” — whether or not you’re trying to be funny, you’re being jerks.
While this thread is still hot, go to your nearest desi video store and rent “American Chai.” It is exactly about this problem.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/American_Chai
This is generally true. Everybody remembers Thatcher and Blair, but Major? Just a footnote in history.
au contraire, major will go down for the currie he spooned when in office.
No Eliot, Floridian? Be thankful I wasn’t paying for your education.
Pun intended? Just be sure that you don’t end up like George or David Lurie, making brilliantly pungent observations on your condition such as “Good. Better. Best. Bested.” (Would that my memory retained Coetzee’s observations, early on in “Disgrace”, of a life so bereft of passion and meaning that even sex, which has to be purchased from a reluctant and anonymous prostitute, is an occasion for musing on language!)
more comment later but there is a movie coming out on this very topic of the pressures desi kids face growing up.. Taare Zameen Par
melbourne desi,
for this move, you do owe our ‘maya’ at least 30-40 sliders and large drinks at White Castle.
He did complete three O-levels by the age of 16. That’s quite an achievement. I think most pimply boys of that age were lucky to get one H-level by that time.
Great post Floridian, except that I don’t believe you really mean the bit about pride, etc. I think parents sincerely do care and I won’t be surprised to hear in 10 years how you’re thrilled your daughter chose be an artist. I tend to straddle the two camps – its very important to do what you want. But so is having money important.
There’s a great quote which I am unable to find but will try and reconstruct. It goes something like: May there be peace so we soldiers can lay down our guns and peacefully plow the land. May their be plenty so that our children can lay down their plowshares study medicine and law. May there be health and justice so my grandchildren don’t have to practice medicine and law. Finally, the great-grandchildren get to be artists.
I’ve done a horrible job of reproducing the quote, but the idea is clear. I think English etc. is a bit of a luxury and I don’t blame parents for being concerned. But the well-off ones should be more open minded.
As for accounting, I personally found it shocking. When I first heard about the syllabus, my immediate reaction was, “Ledger? But I don’t even know ‘er!”. As for double-entry, don’t you think that’s a bit too racy to be on the curriculum, even in the permissive times we live in? No wonder, accountants are considered exciting and adventurous, next only to insurance agents.
To Maya:
Be true to yourself, don’t listen to naysayers. Do what you enjoy doing the most. Your parents may initially be upset and unhappy but they will come around eventually and even respect you for being an individual taking your own not so easy decisions.
Maya, I am personally aware of a number of people who, when faced with a similar choice, have taken the “safe” route and who seem to be doing just fine. They have decent jobs and decent paychecks, which they use to fund other passions (travel, their kid’s college fund, early retirement etc.). If the job doesn’t exactly inflame them with passion, they still have a reason to get up in the morning. I’ve also seen people “follow their dreams” and become fairly embittered about where that takes them in life. So, it is very possible to end up in a career that is not your first or second inkling but that is “good enough”, especially if you can balance it out with other aspects of your life. It is also possible that following your passion may not get the anticipated or desired results. Of course, it’s also possible to be end up consumed with regret about making the “safe” choice while watching others who are rewarded by life for “following their bliss”. Yeh zindagi can be a bit of a crapshoot. But my personal sense is that overall life can be a little less bitter if you feel like you’ve had at least some control over your destiny (cue Sinatra).
It sounds like your core is violently rejecting the business major path. Fine, then not business major it is. So what next? I may have interpreted incorrectly (I’m not an English major :)) but it sounds like you are still undecided about your desire to switch over to English–it’s just one option that you are considering, given your affinity for the subject and your hatred for business school.
So, it would probably help you work through the panic if you sit down and try to get to know yourself a bit better. What are the things that are most important to you (e.g. working outdoors, having the $ to afford all the products in InStyle magazine, meeting your parents’ expectations)? What if the desires appear incompatible? Which ones take priority and which have to take a backseat for now?
You now have your shortlist of desires. Given your particular environment (including American society, parental reaction and consequences of such reaction), what possible paths can you take? Here’s where you many need to do some research and digging, and you may need to get creative. If you feel the need to devote your life to exploring the wonder that is Thomas Hardy but you also realize you will need to be able to fund your education on your own, then can you take up another job to assist in the endeavour (e.g. tutoring ESL students)? Taking that minor in accounting to keep your options open and compromising with your parents? Majoring in business with a minor in English (maybe you can talk to a counselor about switching your concentration in Business school to marketing?). Will the English program let you pursue your goals? I know you’re in danger of flunking out of a business major, but research will let you know if there may be workarounds. I’m NOT saying continue in B-school–I’m saying that having information can make you more comfortable in decisions to reject or keep open certain choices (e.g. so that you know that you aren’t running away from majoring in business, but are rather running tomajoring in English) and can also help you plan next steps with whatever decision you make–it helps you feel more solid in your decision.
If it turns out that is only one path that is both open to you and that you can contemplate taking without wanting to jump off a bridge, then you’ve got your answer. If there are more choices, and one or two in particular fire you up, whereas the others are all “good enough” (i.e. you’re not passionate about them, but you don’t particularly dislike the thought), you have a choice to make–go with your passion above all, regardless of the cons, or pick one of the other choices because the other benefits outweigh your lack of particular passion.
The point is that, despite your parents’ certainty, there are usually no immediately obvious “right answersâ€which should greatly appeal to the English major in all of us. There are choices and there are consequences to the choices and sometimes the consequences come out of left field. I’m sure your parents made choices that affected their families too, and I’m willing to bet good money that not every choice they made turned out exactly the way they anticipated. I’m also willing to bet good money that some of the choices they made didn’t sit so well with THEIR family.
So, now that you’re an adult, it’s up to you to plan, based on the information you have about yourself and the environment you find yourself in, but also recognize that sometimes God or fate or chaos theory takes a hand in events. But for now, YOU have to make the immediate choice about YOUR life based on the information currently available to you: whether it is to sacrifice some of your desires to meet your parents’ expectations and earn good coin, or whether it is to pursue another course and sacrifice your desire for parental approval and a “steady” career. And once you make that choice, whatever it is, take pride in the fact that you made an informed decision, with your eyes open–you made a conscious decision in shaping your world. You’ve taken a very difficult and very adult step. You can hold your head up high for that, regardless of parental opprobrium (and, honestly, I suspect that they will eventually come around even if you make the “wrong” choice) or financial gain and know that you have supporters here. Even if the initial decision you make doesn’t work out, once you’ve started down the path of shaping your own destiny, it becomes easier to make other choices, including the choice to revisit the issue 😉
And if at the end of the day you really can’t decide and you’re still wavering on the fence–well, my personal advice (worth exactly what you paid for it) is to go for it. Things may not work out, but you’l never have to wonder what if.
Good luck and best wishes.
Floridian#81: ‘What’s so terrible about living your whole life in a small house, driving a small used car, spending your vacations visiting relatives and friends rather than flying to Europe?’
Ouch..
Rahul#84,86 and Khoofia#85:
Maya,
Telling our parents that we are doing very badly at school is always a difficult thing. Whether you are in middle school or in college, it still feels bad.
The reason you find it more difficult now is because you are also thinking that you are at a point where you need to make a decision that will influence the rest of your life. Relax! Not necessarily so! What matters in the end is how much at peace you are with yourself. If you are lucky, you may even find happiness. 🙂
I did a bachelor’s in Physics (thanks to all that reading by Carl Sagan and Isaac Asimov). But at the end of three years, I was disillusioned. Where were all those stars and galaxies I had read about? Cosmology? No, I was stuck with inclined planes and electric fields. I changed course and took up Philosophy. Yeah, radical change. My father was running his own business (manufacturing plastic industrial components) and I started helping out. Later, I did a one year course in Plastics processing technology. Meantime, I decided to give Physics another try and travelled to the US to pursue a graduate program. However, at that point I felt that I might have to do a Ph.D. to obtain a well paying job. Also, quantum mechanics was not easy at all! (I flunked!). (I realized that while merely reading books by Sagan and Asimov was fun, actually studying and attempting to make a living out of Physics was not easy at all). I switched over to Computer Science. Again, I did badly in my very first C++ course, but I prodded on, completing the M.S. Today I work as an Oracle DBA in a huge company. The job is stress free – gives me time with my toddler, gives me the money to pursue my other interests (Mohiniattam, Samskritam, running, etc). Yes, I was undecided and made many “mistakes” and had to keep changing course. So? What matters, really, is how much at peace I am with myself.
Perhaps you could teach English abroad – live in different countries over a period of 2-3 years – it will provide you an education that would be hard to match in a course studied in a class room! Perhaps you could write on a regular basis and then…who knows, you might write the next novel that attracts millions of readers! Or……..you might realize you made a mistake. If so, time to switch!
Talking to your parents may not seem easy – but be an adult and tell them. Be ready to discuss the positives and negatives. Be ready to feel bad/humiliated/disappointed. It is all ok. Life has its share of such situations!
Good luck!
Divya, could you find that quote for me, please? 🙂
‘What’s so terrible about living your whole life in a small house, driving a small used car, spending your vacations visiting relatives and friends rather than flying to Europe?’
Real men drive Hummers. Cousins of real men drive Hemi Powered, 335 HP, 5.7 L Durangos and Aspens.
Sometimes you’re so worried about it in your head that it prevents you from thinking rationally. If her parents are anything like mine, their preoccupation with professions comes from a lack of knowledge of the types of opportunities that exist beyond the MD, JD or MBA. Sometimes, a little education can go a long way towards calming them down.
I’m sorry Nitya, I already tried. I heard Hillary Clinton say it when she was campaigning for Senator. I think it may be adapted from the Bible.
Bummer. Loved the thought behind it. Hillary’s remix sounds cooler than the Biblical version, I have to admit 🙂 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Swords_to_ploughshares
A beautiful post ANNA – I agree with it until the end. My heart goes out to Maya because I have been in your shoes, albeit, through a slightly different situation. I wish you the very best and hope that you will follow what makes you happy even it means making your family unhappy temporarily. As for ANNA, you have a beautiful wisdom that I see growing in every post. I must say that my favorite part of the whole post was your P.S. since it captures so perfectly something I think of so often.