From my Facebook inbox:
Hi,
So… I have no idea why I’m sending you a message. Yes, I do. I’m freaking out right now. I’m freaking out because I failed my Accounting exam (meaning I’m one step away from being dropped from my Business program), and I’m going to make what seems like a radical move in my academic move in my career.
I remember a post you did a few weeks (maybe months) back where this girl had such a similar situation. She was basically doing a major for her parents, and I have for the past year and a half been doing Business. I know I hate it. My friends know I hate it. But somehow I rationalized it in my head to make it work so that I was making a sacrifice. But the truth is probably that I’m scared shitless at my parent’s reaction if they knew I was even CONSIDERING switching to become an English major. They will freak out, and consequently, I’m freaking out right now.
I’m sorry if I’m rambling. I just got done with an hour long convo with my best friend who kept trying to reassure me that being an English major is not so bad and my parents will just have to deal. I don’t feel any better. I have no idea how to determine if this is the right decision. I really don’t want to talk about it anymore with people close to me, hence, I’m leaving you this incredibly long message, partially in an attempt to get it out, and partially because for some reason, you’re like my Indian Dear Abby.
You really don’t have to reply… I know I must sound strangely pathetic right now. But again, I’m freaking out. I don’t know if I should tell them or if I should just graduate and have it be a surprise (joke… kind of). They might pull me out… I’m not sure what will happen if they find out. Right now, I’m thinking I don’t tell them. Do you think this is a good idea?
I don’t really have that many Indian friends, and I find it hard to find people who relate to my freaking out. It’s always been the same old “do what you love and fuck the rest” little miss sunshine philosophy with them… which is fine when you don’t have two extremely strict and not-so-forgiving parents. (My parents) mean well, and that’s why I didn’t mind doing business, because I feel they’ve given me a lot and I should give back. But now, I’m at the point where it’s impossible for me to do that. I don’t know…I’ll end it here.
::
[I’m going to call you Maya, because you’ve gone through enough, the least I can do is protect your privacy.]
~
Dearest Maya,
You don’t sound pathetic, you sound very scared and you have every right to sound scared, not to mention grim, confused and alone.
Thank you for trusting me enough to write what had to be an excruciating email.
Thank you for thinking so highly of my abilities that you believed I could in any tiny way be of assistance to you during one of the most challenging periods of your life. I am touched and humbled that you think I might have answers to the exact same questions I do and have asked, of myself, of others.
Will you believe me when I tell you that you’re going to be okay? That everything is going to be all right, though it sure as taxes won’t be easy? I’m naively exhorting you to buy what I’m selling because 14 years ago, I was you.
And it was horrid.
I felt depressed, anxious and hopeless.
I wouldn’t wish it on certain commenters here.
I desperately wanted to change my major– my Political Science was your Accounting/Business. You see, I had not even chosen PoliSci for myself– my father had, when I went “on strike” and refused to fill out the UC application, to protest his refusal to consider Barnard or Sarah Lawrence, a school I was so interested in, that when I was 13, I wrote the admissions department. They sent their “precocious young friend in California” course catalogs, letters and little tchotchkes every year. For four years I imagined going there and when it came time to send my application, my father wouldn’t write the check.
“You’re going to UC Davis. That is final.”
“I don’t WANT to go to Davis. Why can’t I at least apply to Berkeley?”
“Because you can’t drive to Berkeley, daily.”
And there it was. I sat there and wept in an emotional stand-off (sit-off?). In the middle of us, the University of California application and an “auspicious” Waterman pen waited.
“I’m not filling that out. I want to go to New York.”
“You’re too young, you’re only 17.”
“I’m not filling it out.”
“Then I will.”
I was stunned. “But…you don’t even know what I want to major in…”
“Of course I do. I called Judge _____ and they said the three most popular majors for law school applicants are Political Science, Economics and History. Political Science will be your major. Finished.”
See, this is where you’re better than me Maya– I gave little importance to the “but they’ve sacrificed so much!”-angle, because I was so totally wounded and heart-broken. My parents had suffered and endured much to give me all they could; now it was my turn to commence repaying that impossible debt.
And I didn’t want to.
Not at 17, at least. It’s different when you’re old and almost 33, but I digress. So I know, dear girl. I know what it feels like to be yoked to a course you did not choose and do not want. And I am so, so sorry.
A year in to college, I tried to make the best of a frustrating situation. My International Relations class was a revelation, so was Comparative Lit. I was fluent in Spanish and taking Intermediate French. Maybe…there could be a compromise? IR was similar to Poli Sci…and my father’s favorite niece was an expert on all things Shakespearean. I felt a tiny flare of hope.
Obviously, it was stomped on.
“No, absolutely not. Go find something productive to do.”
Unlike you, it didn’t even occur to me that I could change my major without some permission slip. I miserably muddled along in Political Science, cramming my schedule full of the stuff I REALLY liked: ancient history, french lit, religious studies.
And I grew so resentful. And guilty for growing resentful. And then paralyzed for feeling guilty. It was a craptacular situation I found myself in, which only worsened when I told my father I wasn’t going to apply to Law School. By my final year, I was burned out and bitter. I had been in a near-fatal car accident, I had commenced the school year with an assault I hadn’t dared come to terms with and I was lost. I took an incomplete in one of my required classes, but never told my parents about it. When I walked in my graduation ceremony, I felt like the biggest fraud, ever.
I was certain of only one thing– that I was a massive failure and that my future was being destroyed by every second I cried, simpered, whimpered and wavered. I couldn’t conceive of my parents reacting in any positive way to what I needed to tell them. It was pure misery and I remember the maelstrom so well, I was crying by the end of your message. It all came back to engulf me, immediately and brutally.
But like you, I didn’t have the heart to tell them the truth. I was scared to tell them. And that was a huge mistake, one which caused an already toxic situation to deteriorate.
When my parents found out that I had lied to them, not only did I hurt them more than I ever had, I disappointed them and lost all of their trust. I didn’t think it was possible to feel worse than I had during the “Should I change my major”-quagmire, but guess what? I FELT SO MUCH WORSE. Now I wasn’t just a failure, I was in emotional exile. So as impossible as this sounds (and yes, I know it’s easy for me to type– you’re the one who has to face the parental firing squad) ‘fess up.
After you do, head to the school counseling center and see if they have anyone with experience in “cultural” issues. That was the vague thing I mumbled and they understood. While there was no one desi to talk to (for free, I might add!), I was matched with a 2nd Gen Mexican American who picked grapes to put himself through college.
I often contend that we have more in common with others than we care to admit and I’m right. He understood it all, the anxiety, the guilt, the obligation…the isolation, the confusion, the doubt. AND IT WAS FREE. Avail ye of such beneficial things, when they are offered; the fact that I did changed everything. I wish our community could get over our dangerous, unnecessary issues regarding the stigma associated with seeking help, whether via talk therapy, meds or both, but that’s another post.
Breathe through the freak-out. It sounds stupid, as advice goes, but it’s surprisingly significant. I never noticed it until a few years ago, but I’m a really shitty breather. And when I’m stressed or losing it, if I’m not taking worthless, shallow-little gasps, I’m hyperventilating. Both bad. Breathing good.
No really, it calms and brings clarity. Calm and clarity are your friends.
Make radical moves if you choose to, but not out of despair or more accurately, depression. When you’re low, you’re thinking differently. Me, I try to refrain from deciding anything important at moments like that (cough.entire.month.of.dec), because my perspective is skewed. When I’m “normal” and I have a bad day at work, I grimace and bear it and think, “this is a bad day at work”. When I’m depressed, I catastrophize: “this is the worst day EVER. this is the worst job EVER. omg, i should quit. OMG, I CAN’T AFFORD TO QUIT!” Etcetera ad nauseum. When you’re calm, well, that’s the moment to change your life.
I think you should be commended on recognizing that something isn’t working for you. I spent years in jobs, relationships and other situations which weren’t working for me, because of a variety of reasons which are too stupid to recount. Realizing that “this is not working” is not the same as “I am a fuck-up”. Took me a while to be able to discern betwixt the two. “Hmmm. Maybe I am not so bad, the situation is.” Ah, look! Different situation, and I am fine. Whew.
Your parents will get over it, if they are like 90% of parents, because parents love you more than anyone else ever will; they want you to be happy. They want you to thrive. If you are in the unfortunate 10%, and your parents are abusive, indifferent or very, very capable of grudge-holding…then, my sympathies.
When my cousin Nisha married a white guy almost ten years ago, my father’s livid outrage was only exceeded by my Uncle’s. They were ranting, “and…he’s a CATHOLIC!” when they weren’t announcing that she was dead to them. Dead, I tell you. Dead! Two years after that, a very cute baby was born and my Uncle melted. See? They get over things. It’s not easy or fun, but eventually…they move on from the bad place. That’s not to say that your life won’t suck while they get it together but I warned you, none of this is going to be glitter and my little ponies.
You mentioned that you are worried your parents might “pull you” out if they discover what is afoot; I think you mean, “cut you off from the comforting font of cash which comes with much string”. Maya, I implore you to do something I didn’t do, because I was too naive and scared: explore financial aid. Lots of kids don’t have their parents paying for everything, including dual-ended highlighters with embedded post-it flags. They actually survive despite this shocking handicap and graduate. And then, like me, they spend their entire life fretting about their student loans. Pull you out/cut you off does not equal “the end”.
Your final two sentences contain your answer.
But now, I’m at the point where it’s impossible for me to do that. I don’t know…I’ll end it here.
If it’s impossible, then it is just that. Do not continue to trudge towards a dead-end. End it here. Take a few huge deep breaths, have a contingency plan (ahem. financial aid, yo!) ready and tell them the seemingly unbearable truth. Visit the counseling center and make an appointment to cry to someone far more qualified than me. Be extra nice to yourself– after this cluster, you deserve it.
Now, after that awfully difficult to-do list, I’m going to tell you two things NOT to do.
1) Don’t give up on yourself. Ever. English majors make the world a better place. Once, when I was a pre-teen, I shyly told my Hapa pediatrician (whom I loved so much, I saw her until I was 22) that I wanted to study ancient history, not medicine or law. She told me how very important that was. “The world needs scholars and artists just as much as it needs doctors and lawyers.” Believe in your choices and wishes and work to make them reality. You are not defined by this situation. You are not doomed. You are going to be okay, eventually.
2) Don’t imagine the worst. If you had told me, way back then, that despite NOT going to law school and NOT getting married and NOT doing anything else for my parents to be that proud of, that I would survive such scandal and be fine with it, I would’ve laughed. If you had told me that I’d live in the city I’ve wanted to move to since my fifth grade trip to the Smithsonian, that I’d have just enough of a salary to pay for rent in my favorite gay nabe AND cover my student loan payments, and that most of the time, I’d feel cheerful and grateful, I would have burst in to tears while exclaiming that such a scenario was a sick, cruel joke, an impossible-to-reach 22k ring.
But I’m here.
And for the most part, I’m okay. If I’m not okay, it’s because of trolls and missing dead family members, but that has no bearing on any of this. None of the things I did when I was your age, in your shoes caused the problems I have now. So, trust me when I tell you that you will be okay.
I am.
You will be, too.
Love and much culturally-relevant fussing,
Akka
p.s. I feel you on the “other people don’t understand”-bit. Even if you aren’t so outwardly desi, your heart is, and you are bound to values and expectations that many people can’t fathom. Smile when these people tell you not to effin’ worry about it. Then remember that there are thousands of us who know exactly how torn you are, who feel just as obligated to our families and who understand that when it’s least tolerable, the hyphen in our identity becomes a tight rope.
You’re not the only one.
Good luck Maya all I can say is stay strong.
I could have written this email (circa 1998). Sometimes, “failure” is the best thing to happen to a person. Of course, I too can write this now that I am older.
Great advice, A N N A; good luck, “Maya.” I know you’ll be OK.
Great post ANNA. And great advice.
Good luck Maya! And I totally 100% agree here – you have to tell them.
I was at UC Davis as an International Relations major because my parents demanded that I be a lawyer (and international law was the only thing that remotely interested me – it was our compromise), but I was actually really interested in theatre. So, I took most of my classes in theatre and aced them, and just barely passed my other classes, and just barely kept up with my actual major.
It was my dad, though, that turned out to be the surprising factor! He and I had a heart to heart one late night on the phone, when I broke down crying because I was so depressed about having to do the IR thing, and hated the idea of law school. He told me that he actually regretted his decision to be an engineer because it ended up at some point being all about paperwork, and that he hadn’t liked his job for quite some time! He wanted to be creative and so he could understand my dilemma. At that moment, he breathed a heavy sigh and asked me what I really wanted to do. I told him I wanted to study theatre. He asked me what I would do with that, and I fortunately had looked into all the options available to me. I told him if I worked really hard and applied myself I’d be able to make not just a decent living, but a really good living. He told me to go for it, and that he would talk my mother into it.
Of course, ultimately their “compromise” was that they would no longer pay for the bulk of my school expenses, because if I was going to make it in the theatre/film industry and choose my own life, I’d have to learn to get along on my own, they said. So I had to get a couple of jobs to pay my rent, AND I had to pay them back for anything they paid for tuition, AND I had to take out my own financial aid, and sometimes my mother would call me up just to give me a guilt trip about how I wasn’t becoming a lawyer or at least an engineer like my dad… yeah, it was really, really hard. But worth it.
I actually ended up studying indian philosophy in the end, and am now getting my PhD in that and working in the internet industry to make a living, and am getting into documentary filmmaking, so you know. My plans kind of took interesting turns. But I learned a big lesson about following my dreams and standing up for myself. And I’m really independent and pay for my own world travel. My dad died two years ago, a couple of days before I got my Master’s degree, and he told me how proud he was of me for doing what I loved and being brave enough to follow my dream. So, it can work out.
I wish you a LOT of luck. You can do this!
Out of curiosity is “Maya” ABD, DBD, F1? Usually the consequences / safety net available (and the options available) differ widely depending on what the background is.
I hope “Maya” takes a deep look on her long term goals, determines what she has an aptitude for before taking any decision.
I would deeply advice her to counseling from her school’s counselors.
Maya, this may be another angle that you can discuss with you parents. But ultimately, you will not do well in a profession if you do not inherently like it, and if it’s not your stongest suit. This is a competitive market, in every sector. If people don’t go into the fields that allow them to exhibit their talents, it’s like they are handicapped…and for no real legitimate reason.
I made a decision to not go into law and to go into a more creative field for that very same reason. And I’m kicking butt out here, relatively speaking! I see my desk friends struggle with their professional choices, and they are unhappy and not performing as well as they could.
My desi father interestingly got it – because he believes that if you don’t love what you do, you will feel like a slave day in and day out at your job. And I truly believe that. Years from now, if you follow your heart, I can assure you that you will be successful, and your parents will be greatful that you stood up for yourself and recognized your talents. In retrospect, of course ;). Follow your dreams!
Parents surprise you all the time (in a good way). I know mine have. Tell them what’s on your mind.
LurkerP and Amitabh, thanks. 🙂
I think she’s ABD, from what she’s written to me.
Jyoti, what a great story…I’m so glad that your dad commended you on your choices. Your post makes is a reminder to me, in my own life, all my gripes that I aim at my parents, one day they won’t be there. I learned the hard way about standing up for myself.
Great post ANNA. This reminds me of a case I know. The son of a family friend of ours was coerced by his dad into applying for IIT, but some way into his studies he announced that he’d quit and switched his Major to English. The guy loves poetry apparently and has won contests. Naturally that caused a lot of tears and cajoling by both parents, who sought support from my family members. I’m happy to say though that my own engineer-uncle told them that they should be glad their son is doing what he likes and is good at it than force him into studying something that’ll make him unhappy solely because of status or because it brings bread on the table. So stand your ground, your parents will come around eventually.
I have to say though that the desis I know aren’t insistent their kids follow a certain career path.
Maya,
I have been there too. When I told my parents I was dropping pre med classes it was so tough – they did not speak to me for months. I felt like such an island.
But slowly, I lobbied for what I wanted to do and with the help of reasearch on the successes of others who had followed a similar path I was able to convince them that the path was okay.
Part of the problem was that they did not have enough info to know it would be okay – I needed to get them up to speed. Desi parents growing up in India at a certain time had very few trajectories for success so they worry far more than necessary. . . .
Good luck.
thumbs up! 🙂 I think i rate this one of your best posts.
Parents surprise you all the time (in a good way). I know mine have. Tell them what’s on your mind.
Very true.
One suggestion would be for Maya to graduate from her business program and then do her Masters in what she likes. Getting a free ride for any college degree is a great thing even if it has some strings attached. There are millions of Americans who would give an arm or a leg to get a free ride to any College period.
I hear you, but aren’t we past the point of that possibility (wouldn’t you love to hear Daffy Duck thpit that?)?
She’s thisclose to flunking out of her program. THAT is how miserable she is. She may not be able to graduate from the business program now. 🙁
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Meena and WGiiA- thank you 🙂
Dear Maya,
I teach at a UC school here in Cali. I wholeheartedly endorse Ms. Anna’s advice. I cannot tell you how many Indian girls I meet, who are “enouraged” to study business or medicine, and they hate both. Maya, more than a cliche is the truth in that you must LOVE what you do, or you’ll have no reason to wake up. Find a path, a job, a career because that thing you find has to be the thing to do with your heart, mind & passion.
I’ll spare you the “my parents did this when I was 19” lecture, as many mutineers will undoubtedly share their versions. BUT, from the another perspective, from inside the classroom, from another Indian woman, believe in yourself, in your instincts and in your heart. The rest (job, parents, support, etc.) will follow you.
Sending hugs from Sunny LA,
Dari
Maya,
I would agree with everything said by Anna and those in the comments section. Brownie in Tx. makes a good point, Indian parents have it drilled in early on (by society, their peers, etc).that there are only a few markers of success, Doctor, lawyer etc. At the end of the day, all your parents really want is for you to have a secure future. Having entered one of those golden professions (a lawyer) I run across a lot of people, desi or otherwise, who simply became lawyers because that’s what their parents wanted them to do. The lot of them are miserable and most of them leave the profession or fail at it. I’ve stayed because I enjoyed it and I chose it. My parents wanted me to be a doctor. (BTW, my mom has never let me forget that I should have been a doctor. It’s ok though because now she’s moved on to seeing me get married yesterday. If it’s not being in business it’s going to be something else.)
I can only guess that the failure in accounting will be representative of what will happen to you should you choose to pursue it. Who knows anyone who has been successful (in the longterm) doing something they hate? As a lawyer who has dealt with plenty of businessmen, lawyers, doctors, etc. I can tell you that the world needs better writers. (God knows I wish I had been an English major). It’s a common complaint made by executives of every stripe. There’d be heck of a lot less lawsuits and ruffled feelings. I’m sure you can find those articles, show them to your parents. It might make them realize that one can secure a financial future with an English degree. Your parents don’t sound too different from my own, at the end they want you to succeed and be happy. Show them that it’s possible and hopefully that makes the conversation easier.
Sometimes I think dealing with Desi parents is an exercise in collective bargaining. You may have to thrown them a bone in minoring in business (as a fallback for their ears) so that you can pursue English as a major. Before I get skewered for asking you to do more work to appease your folks, just realize that fear for their child often motivates parents. Anything you can do to alleviate that fear while still moving forward with your goals may be a constructive way to begin a dialogue. It lets them know you respect their opinion and at the same time conveys that their are different pathways to success. I really hope you find your calling and are able to pursue it.
Best of luck to you.
Great post to read. I am the Indian mom :-). My husband loves his job and he has passed that along to my 15 year old that he should do something that makes him happy to go to work in the morning. That there will be days when everybody feels like tearing their hair out, most days it is fun. He has told him to study what he wants even if it Greek Gods in Latin…(Sigh he wants to study World History!!!)
Ofcourse, I am the typical Indian mom, who questions her son on what happened to the other 5 points. 95 not acceptable.(as I read in one of your previous comments). But even he knows that in the end, I will support Dad and therefore him.
Maya, take them out to dinner during Winter Break and just tell them about how unhappy you were this semester and how your grades are suffering. There are also some practical things you can do to make the transition easier for everyone.
1) Do some soul searching and try to envision what you would like to do with your English degree. (I know that this is really hard for an undergrad to do, but try anyway.) Do you want to teach? Write? Go into publishing? Go to grad school? Once you figure that out, you can confidently say, “I’m switching to English and I’m also going to get my teacher certification/join the school newspaper/get an internship at a nonprofit. These skills will make it easier for me to get a job in _____ after I graduate.” Consider keeping business as a minor as a peacekeeping gesture.
2) Get an administrative work-study position somewhere on campus. Try to get your typing speed to at least 60 wph. The truth is, if you are an artsy/nonprofit type your first post graduation job is probably going to be administrative, so you need to start building these skills now.
3) Do you have any older cousins who have gone through this? Try to get them on your side. Maybe they can talk to your parents on your behalf. Don’t worry about bothering them, they will probably be sympathetic. If nothing else, you’ll know that you are not alone.
4) Definitely check out the financial aid office to see what your options are. Next go to the career center and see if you can find a paid summer internship or fellowship in a city that is not your hometown. You sound like you need a change of scenery and you should also explore your career options this summer.
Good luck! We’re all on your side.
this reminds me of a little scene from monsoon wedding where the whole family is discussing a daughter’s decision to go into writing – i highly recommend you watch it before you tell them.
and yes, do tell them. many have pointed out how surprised you might be by your parents’ reaction. more than that, you should let your parents know what it is that you really want, because this is a big part of who you are. just last weekend, my dad and i were having a discussion about our differences over my career path – but even he said that at the very least, he was glad that i talk to him about what i am doing, what it is that i want, even if we disagree.
my own battles with my father over my career are only now coming to an end. but i can’t tell you how worth it was to make him see that this is what i want, and that doing something i hate just to please or impress others isn’t worth it. without knowing you, it’s hard to tell how they will react – but even if the initial reaction is not so hot, if you’re truly committed to this career change, and it makes you happy, they’ll come around.
If “Maya” reads this follow Anna’s advice exactly. You have to do what is best for you, no matter what your parents say. Dont lie to them and most of all dont lie to yourself, it only makes things worse.
The truth may seem harder, but it will set you free from semester’s of anxiety and being free of that burden is worth more then anything.
You have nothing to lose in this situation. You tell them the truth and after a day or 2 they accept it, or they go ape shit and you finally discover that your parent’s are not the loving people you thought they were, better to find out now then later. Seriously, if your parents put their own happiness ahead of yours and say they are going to “disown” you then what are you doing loving these people? Get financial Aid and make yourself happy. I PROMISE YOU THIS WONT HAPPEN THOUGH. MOST INDIAN PARENTS ARE ALL BARK AND NO BITE. It is becuase they love you so much. Anna said it best.
I know Jatt Sikh parents, which are some of the scariest people around, that have accepted their daughters marrying Muslim boys, accepted white people, accepted everything their children have done.
Their will be many storms in your life and you will find out that none of them are as scary as they appear.
I assume you will be a English teacher/world famous author and if that is your goal I dont see how your parents can be against that. Teachers to me seem like the happiest people I know. Every friend that I have had that has gone into teaching love it and are the jolliest people, it is amazing. Even the ones that teach children with behaviroal problems in the inner city of Chicago are happy and if being a teacher is what you want then do yourself the favor of your life time and go be a English teacher. If your going to be a journalist then go have the time of your life being a journalist.
Nice piece, Anna. You write well. Maya’s in a bind. I agree with the others. Do what makes you happy. It will be worth it in the long run. Your parents will come around. Chin up.
The world has too many Business majors…but too many english majors as well.
What you study in college doesn’t really matter, and I say that as an English/history major. Fact is her parents aren’t wrong; it’s harder to get nearly any job with an English major, even writing jobs! Take whatever major you wwant to graduate, but trust me, studying English will not “set you free” or ensure you some sort of great creative career. Most of my fellow english majors are in marketing, advertising and PR, just like most of my friends with business majors…
I am a DBD and my parents were in the other end of the spectrum – they were really fine with whatever I chose to study (except that I could not go out of Madras! This was in the early 90s). I studied Physics (bachelor’s) and then, disillusioned with it, I studied…Philosophy! Of course, this did not help me find a well-paying job (for which I later had to study some computer science, since that is where all the jobs were). My little ABD boy is just two, but it is interesting reading the articles here…I definitely do not want to force my son into taking up a particular field of study. OTOH, though, would it not be my duty to discuss with him what he likes and where that will take him? Then again, who knows where the choices we make will take us? Who is to say?
BTW Anna, I read your post on FOKANA a bit late (after the comments section was closed). I too attended the Chicago convention in 2002 – as a dancer! My teacher, another student and I did a Mohiniattam piece on one of the evenings – were you around? Do you remember?? 🙂
Tiger Lily!! Awesome comment.
Maya,
Usually making a decision means pissing some people off – this is a fact of life.
Somehow factor out immediate consequence (e.g. upset parents, shocked relatives etc), think a little longer term and visualize yourself doing what you think you love.
Do not make a decision out of fear by that I mean not just fear of consequences but also fear of failure. A different major may not be as tedious as your current major but it may pose totally different set of challenges.
Whatever you decide you will come out this stronger – better.
it could go the other way – my friend almost got a PhD in business before she switched over to writing. she got her MFA, and has been slowly, but steadily, increasing her number of publications. her parents had a similar reaction, but i think they’re far more than happy with her career than even she had expected…
If the girl wants to study English, let her study English. I don’t see how a statement like “the world has too many english majors” is productive, especially when you turn around and essentially say that majors don’t matter.
Stay strong, Maya! So many of us went through this…including both me and my younger brother (neither of us ended up going to medical school as we were supposed to), and my parents still love us (despite their initial outrage and anger). Just remember when the shit comes down, there most definitely is a light at the end of the tunnel! 🙂
I think some of you are forgetting that at this point, remaining in the business program may not be an option, due to her grades.
This is not as simplistic as “business vs. english…what major does the world need more of?” so it doesn’t help to tell her to stay in business or accounting; it’s irrelevant if business majors have an easier time getting jobs if she’s dropped from the business program.
I feel like Maya’s letter was about her parents and how to approach them…of if to approach them at all. She doesn’t know how to tell her parents, she understandably doesn’t want to tell her parents, she’s scared. She’s worried about the aftermath.
I definitely think that you should tell your parents. The anger that you are afraid of will be much worse if you lie to them and hide things..in addition to their anger you will have to deal with their feelings of betrayal which will not fade as easily. The best you can do is be straightforward with them about your goals and feelings. And having the support of other relatives (older cousins as someone mentioned) or family friends who have been through something similar will only help.
As for them potentially cutting you off, Anna is right, there are many financial aid options. But I very much doubt that it will come to that. Even worse (to your parents) than you not graduating in business is you not graduating at all. Not only do your parents love you, but they want you to be educated, mainly because it will allow you to provide for yourself and your family in the future. No matter what you choose to study, you can be sure that your parents want you to study something, even if it’s not exactly what they chose for you.
sorry, i meant a similar reaction to what maya (and others) might expect of some desi parents. don’t know where my mind is today…
Maya, you might not need to choose. Consider doing deconstructionist analyses of masterpieces such as Crossing the Chasm and Inside the Tornado, the true adventure novels of our generation, which marry the non stop thrills of corporate America with the literary flair of the self-help genre.
Seriously, though, if you truly think English is your calling, a lifetime of doing what you enjoy is certainly worth any short term grief you might endure. As many people have said before on this thread, parents, however implacable they might seem, usually come around eventually.
It’s an awful burden to carry, knowing that your parent’s final years were clouded by something stupid like wholly unnecessary subterfuge. Twenty-one years of trust, evaporated. After one unwise decision made out of fear. 🙁
Maya: Although it is really difficult, but you must tell your parents about your love for English Major (if you are). But you should prepare for the conversation first. Research what all can you do with Eng Major: Ranging from Consulting (I had met a dynamic Mckinsey consultant with an Eng degree), writing (Jhumpa, etc etc…), Academia, United nations translator (with knowledge of some other language), proposal-writing, teacher…these are some I can think off the top of my head..I am sure you can think more cool stuff.
My own sis (we are DBDs) revolted against my father’s idea of Math+econ etc. She instead did Eng Major, then fashion designing then interior designing. She is doing well and having fun. Remind your parents that they probably stayed on in US so that their kids have more choice and can follow their heart (if they did, you know more) and not be coerced into engg/doc/law to eke out a living, and have a less stressful life for kids in general.
I wanted to go to UCLA and study Pol.Sci., because I wanted to go to law school. My parents wanted Berkeley and med school. So I went to Berkeley, and was a biology major, and I was miserable. After my first year I told my parents I was changing. I didn’t ask, I told. They got over it. They love you, and they will get over it.
The free legal work my parents get has also helped.
Maybe I am biased but I dont understand how someone can fail Accounting!! Yes you can get low grades – but flunking ….. If she has done her very best and still flunks – at least she can be proud of herself. Been in a similar situation. I absolutely suck at Math and had to work very hard to get a ‘C-‘.
Anna : Good post but I dont agree with your advice but then that is due to our different outlooks on life.
Maya, it may not seem like it, but your undergrad will have very little to do with what you will excel at later in life. Trust me. I got a lousy engineering degree from India and I am still gainfully employed. There’s always grad school and the fact that absolutely NO ONE cares about what you got your degree in, as long as you can do the job.
So, go do what you are interested in – dance, piano, criminal justice….
That said, be sure to take a few science courses – so you don’t turn all creationist on us. And an econ course or two.
Didn’t realize our outlooks were so different (unless we’re looking at how our toilets flush). 🙂
I think if you’re going to a private college, paying over $20K a year, I can see why parents would want to have a say in the major.
English is a very un-practical major though. I was an English major. I’d think very carefully before changing from business. There are other specialities in business besides finance. A failed class is not the end of the world. Hopefully, you can take it again and pass it. Maybe you’re just not a numbers person and other business classes will be easier.
New head of Citigroup is a Indian-born immigrant. Head of Pepsi is an Indian woman.
I know saying following your heart is the right thing to say, but my bachelor’s was in English, and my twenties were very difficult because of it. (I’m doing ok now because of advanced graduate degrees.
If you decide to switch to English, once you stop taking money from your parents, you’ll feel better. Federal loans are low interest, around 4%, and the interest doesn’t start accumulating until you graduate. If you’re going to a state school, in-state tuition is not that bad, in most states. Good luck with your decision.
As for telling the parents part – yes, tell them. Tell them you gave Accounting everything you had, and still sucked. They will understand. They will be disappointed, but only because THEIR vision will not materialize. Its your job to replace, in their heads, their vision with your own.
I got my MBA alongside a class of Fine Arts majors who wanted to get into managing theatre companies, museums and the like. They actually got to love business classes, because it was tailored to their world. They all got fantastic offers and are doing well.
I’m not sure why UPS brought up the fact that there are brown people in the business world…Maya’s prob is she doesn’t want to be in that world, not that it’s her brownness that precludes her from that life.
I do agree with you that she should think about what she’ll do afterward…I did a liberal arts degree and found it incredibly hard to find a job when I graduated (a few years ago), and I had great grades and a solid resume. It just takes more to get a (good) job these days and it can be demoralizing when you don’t get hired (or are severely underemployed) following graduation…weigh the possibility of that against the depression now.
Maybe a compromise can be reached? An english/biz double degree? I’m not telling you what to do, just remember you have to have a plan for afterward…maybe an MA? It’s so brown of me to speak like this, but it really is a reality, and one that I saw firsthand after graduating…I ended up coming back to school for postgrad.
wow, so glad to see that this is not an uncommon experience.
Maya, it doesn’t matter how low or impossible it seems with the parents, but they will turn around once they see how much it makes you unhappy. It might even need that kind of drastic action, changing course without their knowledge, but… they may not turn around immediately. It might take weeks, of fury, of silence, of “I wish you’d never been born!” and all that ekta kapoor dialogue. It might take months. But do what you love, what keeps you passionate. English is def not the most practical degree, not the one for moneyspinners, that’s for sure. But if you love it, if that’s what your passion is, don’t compromise, and go for it. (Just be prepared for the low paid trudgery afterwards.)
took me a few seconds to catch the joke about the flushing 😉
it is still not too late to go to law school….
don’t do it, ANNA (or anyone else)! 😉
Sorry to be a supporter of bad news, but I graduated nearly 3 years ago from a certain state school in New Jersey with a degree in one of their finest departments, philosophy, and I still live with my parents.
And I would do it again.
The truth is that if you wish to become an artist or work in a less-established field, there are things you must be willing to forgo, such as retirement plans, vacation days…etc
If you are passionate about something, it must become your sustenance.
“I did a liberal arts degree and found it incredibly hard to find a job when I graduated…”
“Sorry to be a supporter of bad news, but I graduated nearly 3 years ago from a certain state school in New Jersey with a degree in one of their finest departments, philosophy, and I still live with my parents.”
Well, I graduated with a MINOR in English, got a job in corporate America, write for a national publication and teach at a university (all by the age of 33). There are exceptions to EVERY rule, every major and every degree. BUT, there no rules to living in fear from the very people who should support you.
AND…I live at home!
Hello! I’m a senior in college, and had been admitted into a guaranteed-med program. Desi parents’ dream! Except I chose to major in sociology since I figured I’d be doing natural sciences for the rest of my life.. and due to various life experiences, I soon realized med school wasn’t for me. Except I kept doubting myself and put off withdrawing and was killing my GPA with increasingly unnecessary pre-med coursework.
I withdrew a year ago, but I told my parents about two months ago. That’s my advice: tell your parents on your own time. I introduced the idea years ago that I was no longer being a physician (which freaked them out) and step-by-step I got to telling them that I’m not going to med school at all. (still a freak-out, but less so)
Now I’m struggling with this concept of not having the rest of my life charted out. I’m not sure what I’ll do once I graduate, but it beats being beyond miserable for decades.
Just do what you want. If all else fails try to get a MBA after your english degree. If you want a saftey net take classes that will allow you teach English in middle/high school. If you dont want to do that, then work some stupid job for 10 years save every penny and then buy a franchise or gas station. Every uneducated Indian I know seems to do this and ends up richer then the doctors.
I know it is easier said then done, but we all need to just relax. When I need to relax I look at tortoises. Those guys just take it slow and live to 250 years old and a cheetah only lives for like 6 years and they are always in a hurry.
You know I thought I had an original thought their for a second and then I rememembered that I am just rehasing “The tortoise and the Hare”. Their is a reason I go by the name of “ShallowThinker”
Anyways. This is America baby!! The options are endless.
Remember that you are going to be working for the rest of your life, explore the options.
Maya,
Anna is right on. While my parents have been very supportive of me and helpful in times of great difficulty, there were a number of times they tried to bend me to their will- at one point to the extent of threatening to disown me if I didn’t come “home” from Europe where I was much happier. And I hated myself and them for years for caving in. And while I am older than you, I also got the “good daughter” talk and the you can’t work in New York talk. As a result, I too became resentful, and fearful and unsure of myself and shot myself in the foot because I was afraid of what my parents would think if I did well at something they didn’t agree with. To this day, I never tell them about investigative articles I write until they’re almost done because I can’t deal with the be careful, you don’t know what you’re up against comments which are well-meaning- I know- but paralyzing. Lately, my mother and I had a talk about how I was raised, and to my amazement, she agreed with me that they had raised me, a girl, quite wrong in certain ways. They raised me to be multi-cultural but were then upset I didn’t act like a demure 50’s style daughter and get married and live next door. It’s taken awhile, but I’ve reached a detente with the voices in my head. Which is more than I can say for my friend who has struggled with the “creative, writer, artist” vs “good Desi son” for years. I suspect in certain ways he has lost part of the fight. I think you can be a good Desi son and still be true to yourself. But. then, that’s me. Now, Maya, back to you. What makes you happy? Graduate school is always a possibility and if you are willing to live a little frugally, be a TA and take a few jobs here and there, there is no reason, Grad school cannot be your out. The US is the land of self-recycling. Life is long and you can be many things. But what I hope most for you, is for you to feel happy and secure. And there, I definitely agree with Anna- get some counselling- and tell yourself- as you see by the various posts- you are not alone. Others have lived/live this too and lived to tell. And so will you.