No Business Woman, No Cry.

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From my Facebook inbox:

Hi,
So… I have no idea why I’m sending you a message. Yes, I do. I’m freaking out right now. I’m freaking out because I failed my Accounting exam (meaning I’m one step away from being dropped from my Business program), and I’m going to make what seems like a radical move in my academic move in my career.
I remember a post you did a few weeks (maybe months) back where this girl had such a similar situation. She was basically doing a major for her parents, and I have for the past year and a half been doing Business. I know I hate it. My friends know I hate it. But somehow I rationalized it in my head to make it work so that I was making a sacrifice. But the truth is probably that I’m scared shitless at my parent’s reaction if they knew I was even CONSIDERING switching to become an English major. They will freak out, and consequently, I’m freaking out right now.
I’m sorry if I’m rambling. I just got done with an hour long convo with my best friend who kept trying to reassure me that being an English major is not so bad and my parents will just have to deal. I don’t feel any better. I have no idea how to determine if this is the right decision. I really don’t want to talk about it anymore with people close to me, hence, I’m leaving you this incredibly long message, partially in an attempt to get it out, and partially because for some reason, you’re like my Indian Dear Abby.
You really don’t have to reply… I know I must sound strangely pathetic right now. But again, I’m freaking out. I don’t know if I should tell them or if I should just graduate and have it be a surprise (joke… kind of). They might pull me out… I’m not sure what will happen if they find out. Right now, I’m thinking I don’t tell them. Do you think this is a good idea?
I don’t really have that many Indian friends, and I find it hard to find people who relate to my freaking out. It’s always been the same old “do what you love and fuck the rest” little miss sunshine philosophy with them… which is fine when you don’t have two extremely strict and not-so-forgiving parents. (My parents) mean well, and that’s why I didn’t mind doing business, because I feel they’ve given me a lot and I should give back. But now, I’m at the point where it’s impossible for me to do that. I don’t know…I’ll end it here.

::

[I’m going to call you Maya, because you’ve gone through enough, the least I can do is protect your privacy.]

~

Dearest Maya,

You don’t sound pathetic, you sound very scared and you have every right to sound scared, not to mention grim, confused and alone.

Thank you for trusting me enough to write what had to be an excruciating email.

Thank you for thinking so highly of my abilities that you believed I could in any tiny way be of assistance to you during one of the most challenging periods of your life. I am touched and humbled that you think I might have answers to the exact same questions I do and have asked, of myself, of others.

Will you believe me when I tell you that you’re going to be okay? That everything is going to be all right, though it sure as taxes won’t be easy? I’m naively exhorting you to buy what I’m selling because 14 years ago, I was you.

And it was horrid.

I felt depressed, anxious and hopeless.

I wouldn’t wish it on certain commenters here.

I desperately wanted to change my major– my Political Science was your Accounting/Business. You see, I had not even chosen PoliSci for myself– my father had, when I went “on strike” and refused to fill out the UC application, to protest his refusal to consider Barnard or Sarah Lawrence, a school I was so interested in, that when I was 13, I wrote the admissions department. They sent their “precocious young friend in California” course catalogs, letters and little tchotchkes every year. For four years I imagined going there and when it came time to send my application, my father wouldn’t write the check.

“You’re going to UC Davis. That is final.”

“I don’t WANT to go to Davis. Why can’t I at least apply to Berkeley?”

“Because you can’t drive to Berkeley, daily.”

And there it was. I sat there and wept in an emotional stand-off (sit-off?). In the middle of us, the University of California application and an “auspicious” Waterman pen waited.

“I’m not filling that out. I want to go to New York.”

“You’re too young, you’re only 17.”

“I’m not filling it out.”

“Then I will.”

I was stunned. “But…you don’t even know what I want to major in…”

“Of course I do. I called Judge _____ and they said the three most popular majors for law school applicants are Political Science, Economics and History. Political Science will be your major. Finished.”

See, this is where you’re better than me Maya– I gave little importance to the “but they’ve sacrificed so much!”-angle, because I was so totally wounded and heart-broken. My parents had suffered and endured much to give me all they could; now it was my turn to commence repaying that impossible debt.

And I didn’t want to.

Not at 17, at least. It’s different when you’re old and almost 33, but I digress. So I know, dear girl. I know what it feels like to be yoked to a course you did not choose and do not want. And I am so, so sorry.

A year in to college, I tried to make the best of a frustrating situation. My International Relations class was a revelation, so was Comparative Lit. I was fluent in Spanish and taking Intermediate French. Maybe…there could be a compromise? IR was similar to Poli Sci…and my father’s favorite niece was an expert on all things Shakespearean. I felt a tiny flare of hope.

Obviously, it was stomped on.

“No, absolutely not. Go find something productive to do.”

Unlike you, it didn’t even occur to me that I could change my major without some permission slip. I miserably muddled along in Political Science, cramming my schedule full of the stuff I REALLY liked: ancient history, french lit, religious studies.

And I grew so resentful. And guilty for growing resentful. And then paralyzed for feeling guilty. It was a craptacular situation I found myself in, which only worsened when I told my father I wasn’t going to apply to Law School. By my final year, I was burned out and bitter. I had been in a near-fatal car accident, I had commenced the school year with an assault I hadn’t dared come to terms with and I was lost. I took an incomplete in one of my required classes, but never told my parents about it. When I walked in my graduation ceremony, I felt like the biggest fraud, ever.

I was certain of only one thing– that I was a massive failure and that my future was being destroyed by every second I cried, simpered, whimpered and wavered. I couldn’t conceive of my parents reacting in any positive way to what I needed to tell them. It was pure misery and I remember the maelstrom so well, I was crying by the end of your message. It all came back to engulf me, immediately and brutally.

But like you, I didn’t have the heart to tell them the truth. I was scared to tell them. And that was a huge mistake, one which caused an already toxic situation to deteriorate.

When my parents found out that I had lied to them, not only did I hurt them more than I ever had, I disappointed them and lost all of their trust. I didn’t think it was possible to feel worse than I had during the “Should I change my major”-quagmire, but guess what? I FELT SO MUCH WORSE. Now I wasn’t just a failure, I was in emotional exile. So as impossible as this sounds (and yes, I know it’s easy for me to type– you’re the one who has to face the parental firing squad) ‘fess up.

After you do, head to the school counseling center and see if they have anyone with experience in “cultural” issues. That was the vague thing I mumbled and they understood. While there was no one desi to talk to (for free, I might add!), I was matched with a 2nd Gen Mexican American who picked grapes to put himself through college.

I often contend that we have more in common with others than we care to admit and I’m right. He understood it all, the anxiety, the guilt, the obligation…the isolation, the confusion, the doubt. AND IT WAS FREE. Avail ye of such beneficial things, when they are offered; the fact that I did changed everything. I wish our community could get over our dangerous, unnecessary issues regarding the stigma associated with seeking help, whether via talk therapy, meds or both, but that’s another post.

Breathe through the freak-out. It sounds stupid, as advice goes, but it’s surprisingly significant. I never noticed it until a few years ago, but I’m a really shitty breather. And when I’m stressed or losing it, if I’m not taking worthless, shallow-little gasps, I’m hyperventilating. Both bad. Breathing good.

No really, it calms and brings clarity. Calm and clarity are your friends.

Make radical moves if you choose to, but not out of despair or more accurately, depression. When you’re low, you’re thinking differently. Me, I try to refrain from deciding anything important at moments like that (cough.entire.month.of.dec), because my perspective is skewed. When I’m “normal” and I have a bad day at work, I grimace and bear it and think, “this is a bad day at work”. When I’m depressed, I catastrophize: “this is the worst day EVER. this is the worst job EVER. omg, i should quit. OMG, I CAN’T AFFORD TO QUIT!” Etcetera ad nauseum. When you’re calm, well, that’s the moment to change your life.

I think you should be commended on recognizing that something isn’t working for you. I spent years in jobs, relationships and other situations which weren’t working for me, because of a variety of reasons which are too stupid to recount. Realizing that “this is not working” is not the same as “I am a fuck-up”. Took me a while to be able to discern betwixt the two. “Hmmm. Maybe I am not so bad, the situation is.” Ah, look! Different situation, and I am fine. Whew.

Your parents will get over it, if they are like 90% of parents, because parents love you more than anyone else ever will; they want you to be happy. They want you to thrive. If you are in the unfortunate 10%, and your parents are abusive, indifferent or very, very capable of grudge-holding…then, my sympathies.

When my cousin Nisha married a white guy almost ten years ago, my father’s livid outrage was only exceeded by my Uncle’s. They were ranting, “and…he’s a CATHOLIC!” when they weren’t announcing that she was dead to them. Dead, I tell you. Dead! Two years after that, a very cute baby was born and my Uncle melted. See? They get over things. It’s not easy or fun, but eventually…they move on from the bad place. That’s not to say that your life won’t suck while they get it together but I warned you, none of this is going to be glitter and my little ponies.

You mentioned that you are worried your parents might “pull you” out if they discover what is afoot; I think you mean, “cut you off from the comforting font of cash which comes with much string”. Maya, I implore you to do something I didn’t do, because I was too naive and scared: explore financial aid. Lots of kids don’t have their parents paying for everything, including dual-ended highlighters with embedded post-it flags. They actually survive despite this shocking handicap and graduate. And then, like me, they spend their entire life fretting about their student loans. Pull you out/cut you off does not equal “the end”.

Your final two sentences contain your answer.

But now, I’m at the point where it’s impossible for me to do that. I don’t know…I’ll end it here.

If it’s impossible, then it is just that. Do not continue to trudge towards a dead-end. End it here. Take a few huge deep breaths, have a contingency plan (ahem. financial aid, yo!) ready and tell them the seemingly unbearable truth. Visit the counseling center and make an appointment to cry to someone far more qualified than me. Be extra nice to yourself– after this cluster, you deserve it.

Now, after that awfully difficult to-do list, I’m going to tell you two things NOT to do.

1) Don’t give up on yourself. Ever. English majors make the world a better place. Once, when I was a pre-teen, I shyly told my Hapa pediatrician (whom I loved so much, I saw her until I was 22) that I wanted to study ancient history, not medicine or law. She told me how very important that was. “The world needs scholars and artists just as much as it needs doctors and lawyers.” Believe in your choices and wishes and work to make them reality. You are not defined by this situation. You are not doomed. You are going to be okay, eventually.

2) Don’t imagine the worst. If you had told me, way back then, that despite NOT going to law school and NOT getting married and NOT doing anything else for my parents to be that proud of, that I would survive such scandal and be fine with it, I would’ve laughed. If you had told me that I’d live in the city I’ve wanted to move to since my fifth grade trip to the Smithsonian, that I’d have just enough of a salary to pay for rent in my favorite gay nabe AND cover my student loan payments, and that most of the time, I’d feel cheerful and grateful, I would have burst in to tears while exclaiming that such a scenario was a sick, cruel joke, an impossible-to-reach 22k ring.

But I’m here.

And for the most part, I’m okay. If I’m not okay, it’s because of trolls and missing dead family members, but that has no bearing on any of this. None of the things I did when I was your age, in your shoes caused the problems I have now. So, trust me when I tell you that you will be okay.

I am.

You will be, too.

Love and much culturally-relevant fussing,

Akka

p.s. I feel you on the “other people don’t understand”-bit. Even if you aren’t so outwardly desi, your heart is, and you are bound to values and expectations that many people can’t fathom. Smile when these people tell you not to effin’ worry about it. Then remember that there are thousands of us who know exactly how torn you are, who feel just as obligated to our families and who understand that when it’s least tolerable, the hyphen in our identity becomes a tight rope.

You’re not the only one.

126 thoughts on “No Business Woman, No Cry.”

  1. Maya–

    I was an English major at Berkeley and when my parents were annoyed, I tacked on a double major in Linguistics because my dad was convinced it would help me think analytically. Truth is, he was right. At the end of the day, though, I wound up getting a Master’s in Education, working with kids, and now I’m in law school. Your major does not have to define you– but it can help shape the way you approach the world.

    Don’t major in business if you are unhappy– your thoughts will be cloudy and your academic experience and overall personal joy compromised. Go to a career counselor on campus or an academic counselor in your department and talk about your options. There may be some innovative paths that you can take that combine your interests, either in the form of a double major, or in a major you create yourself– it can have elements that incoroporate business, English, Developmental Studies, etc. I don’t know where you are going to school, but most UCs provide the forum for a major you create (at Cal it’s called ‘ISF’). Go now to talk to academic and career counselors. Bring back their advice to your parents so that you can have an honest discussion with information about alternatives that you can physically hand them while you talk over your options.

    Your college experience, both academic and extra-curricular, should not be compromised. The conversation with your parents, while daunting, can only help you in the end.

    Wishing you good luck!

  2. I’ve lurked at SM for a long time now, but this post made me want to comment. I cried when I read this post – my heart goes out to Maya. I agree whole-heartedly with Anna’s advice, all the way down the line. My situation in college was a little different — without going into the long story, suffice to say, I too made bargains with my parents about college. By year two I realized I wouldn’t be able to make it in the pre-med program we’d agreed I could attend. Senior year there was much drama, but we survived. I put myself through grad school, struggled for a few years. Now 14 years later, I have a job I like and a life I like. It was hard, especially the first few years when I had no idea if I was making the biggest mistake of my life or what, but choosing my own way was the best thing I did, even if my life isn’t the life my parents wanted me to have. Hang in there, Maya! You’re not the only one and you will be OK!

  3. Dear Maya,

    From a geophysicist who was supposed to be a doctor (and nothing else because it was not on the proven track to desi success), do what you want to. No matter they are the ones who brought you into this world, your parents will not be with you in your torts class, bar exam or your office when you slog away at something you hate. Go through the five years of graduate hell and breathe in living below the poverty line while your parents don’t offer a word of support and instead expect to find you dead in a gutter or, worse, a professor. They come around when you are determined, accomplished and happy. Your consistent happiness with yourself will melt the frozen gob that is your parents’ unimaginative but want-their-kids-to-succeed-by-their-own-quaint-measure-of-success hearts. You are their child and they will always love you.

    That said, be realistic, too. Your parents may not be around when you hate life in a snazzy lawyer’s office but you will be there when you have to put food on your plate. And there’s no getting around the basic requirements of living. So, as much as I hate to use the word “marketable,” think about it. I did, only because I didn’t want to have to marry someone for a credit card to match my tastes.

    Good luck, girl!

  4. Maya–

    I’m a fresh graduate, out this past May, who started as a biological Pre-Med major. Mostly for my parents/ judgmental uncles and aunties. I didn’t really want it, but I viewed it more as a duty. But I began to have my doubts because I DID realize I wasn’t doing it for myself. I was majoring and in college for someone else. My grades weren’t as high as they could be, mostly because my heart wasn’t in it. I just did not want to be doing biology.

    I went to counselors/advisors in the biology department to discuss. I told my advisor/profs how I wasn’t feeling it, how my heart wasn’t in it, how I want to major in graphic design, and I got two kinds of responses:

    1) You should be doing what you want. Major in something that makes you happy, because it’s a hell of a lot easier to do better in something you like than something you’re told to like.

    2) Graphic design?? Art?? Please, that’s a nice hobby, but you should do bio now and worry about hobbies later.

    So I got both ends of the spectrum. And more of the negative, #2 style response. I spoke with the handful of Indian kids in my class, and while some were in pre-med because they wanted it, others were pressured into it by their parents and didn’t really want to be there. So I decided I didn’t want to be sleepwalking into anything and march along. I realized I had to make the change myself because it wasn’t just going to happen.

    I know my parents were well-intentioned, but I was their first child and so basically they’re learning as I’m learning. I knew they wanted the best for me, but they weren’t going to change their idea of what is a “good major” spontaneously. So I called home and told them that I wasn’t feeling pre-med anymore. And when I went home for Christmas break, I explained that I wanted to pursue graphic design and art. My mom was always fine with whatever I wanted, but my dad was the hard-convert. So I got the silent treatment for a night or two, but you know what? He got over it.

    I did my share of explaining and informing, talking to the parents about what I could do with the major, how strong the school’s program was, where I could take it, and that was important. As much as I just went up and decided I would make the change happen, I also had to be fair and explain myself to them, and being fair and mature with them made it as smooth a transition as it could be. My parents knew I wasn’t going to be some artsy vagrant without a future, struggling to put food on the table. I was getting a hell of an education, pushing myself, and getting some great prep for what would come in the future. I loved what I was doing. And that passion makes success in any field much easier to attain.

    And graphic design went well. I loved being there, I love creativity and idea-generation and the countless applications for it. The odds of being successful in a field are so much higher if you 1) can hack it and 2) genuinely want to be there. Enthusiasm and passion go a long way.

    So listen to both sides of the argument, but grab some salt for the nay-sayers and negative people in your life and on this board. Ultimately it comes down to YOU. Take some time to look within yourself and above all, be true to yourself. You really can do whatever you want to do for majors or life careers, if you truly want it. You can make it happen, Maya.

  5. Anna, this has been a wonderful post, and a great piece of writing. The comments seem excellent, and even though I’ve mostly just skimmed them so far, I will be setting aside time to read them in detail this weekend.

    This comment is just to really congratulate everyone on a great discussion, and assure Maya that there really is life after an Accounting final, and with all the advice you’re getting here, and your own resources and inner strengths, things will work out.

  7. 90 · Rahul on December 14, 2007 09:41 AM · Direct link

    “As for double-entry, don’t you think that’s a bit too racy to be on the curriculum, even in the permissive times we live in?”

    Arrey bachhey, tu itni din se kaha chhupa tha? Great to see you back with your usual verve and panache. No, no, it’s not from Prufrock. Are you an accountant? You do know that Eliot toiled at a bank before he hit the big time.

    There are two important issues all young people must remember when choosing majors and careers.

    1. Don’t be too restrictive in defining your future career even in the major of your choice. For example, if you absolutely must major in English Lit and you know that a very tiny percentage of English PhD’s get college teaching positions, do not define your career goal solely as a college professor. Be prepared to accept some tertiary path. Teaching English could mean junior college teaching, which is a lot less Lit and a lot more composition, or teaching English as a second language, or working in a publishing house.

    If you are flexible enough with your career goals, and are prepared to accept almost any lifestyle (except poverty, of course), then you can choose almost any major IF you live in the US. You won’t starve, you will have a comfortable enough life by global standards, and you will be doing something that makes you happy. If you live in India, for example, it’s a different story. That’s why I said in my comment #81 that first-generation desis do not recognize this crucial difference between the two economies. My point was that if a certain amount of security was a given in our society, then why not let your children do what they really want? Again, I have not been tested yet on this. So this is just my idealism talking.

    1. Here is a universal truth regardless of which major you choose. With very few exceptions, careers veer away from their core disciplines the higher you advance. For example, while it is possible to remain a sharp programmer as you get older, it is more likely that your programming skills will become dated compared to the skills of the newly minted graduates coming into the job market and your only growth track would be team leadership, customer contact, administration, etc. – all tasks that have very little to do with what you went to college for. And if you happen to own your own business in your field, you will deal with lawyers, accountants, employee reviews, insurance policies and all the other crap that have even less to do with your first love, your major in college.

    So do remember that as you get to the mid-point in your career, you will be doing less and less of what you majored in. Now you could become a purist and refuse all promotions and raises because you still want to design bridges or analyze markets with the young recruits, but if you have any ambition, you will move on and do the exact same things in an architect firm that your peer is doing in a marketing firm.

    In conclusion, career flexibility and anticipating that there will be, in later years, a natural pull away from your true love, are the two best pieces of advice I can offer to young people.

  8. Anna, I just read the post the connected to your ‘missing’ family members link. I couldn’t stop my tears. Bless you, and a big hug to you.

  9. Maya,

    I’ve a Philosophy MA and I’ve lived (to the ripe old age of 35) to tell the tale. Have worked in government and non-profit, have also picked my share of grapes to put food on the table. I don’t know if it really comes down to ‘being happy’. You should be prepared for a rough route, even if it turns out less rough than you imagined. The true benefits, I think, are of character. Having the balls to say f-off to the world (including, yes, family), to pursue something private and meaningful, makes you more yourself than you would have been otherwise. You may not be happy or comfortable, but you will be true. I think it was Montaigne who said ‘you should always be ready to pull on your boots and leave’. Well, that kind of freedom and independence of spirit is only won through a long series of difficult, but freeing decisions. With each such decision you become more of a substantial person.

  10. Btw Anna, beautiful post as so many of yours are. I read the one about your missing family members too and was very moved. My father also died a few years ago, also had Parkinson’s. We had a more conflicted relationship than yours was – but many of the same themes are there. We fought over the phone. I wasn’t the daughter he wanted me to be, I walked in on his dead body (an hour late), have been anguished about what I said/did/didn’t say or do.

  12. I don’t think insulting someones intelligence or commitment under such stress is helpful, whatever role you’re trying to play, it’s mostly just a dick move.
    your constant harping on whether or not her failing her accounting class indicates her competency really borders on assholery.

    lurker/ camille – I mentioned earlier that I dont agree with the advice provided by anna ( I enjoyed the post) or several others on this thread. I believe that a lot of advice harps on inner happiness being derived from a Major is purely mollycoddling. My DBD bias is overwhelming and I ll shut up.

  13. I think “put up with what you hate so you can make good money” is not the best approach, as most people have written above. You won’t be motivated to achieve your best and you’ll hate your job.

    BUT, I also think “follow your heart, damn the practicalities” is too idealistic. What’s not stated in Maya’s excerpted email is whether or not she has considered what she’d do with her English degree after graduation. Does she want to be a writer? Editor? Professor? If she knows what she can potentially do after graduation (with decent probability) and is happy with that outcome (the job, the pay, the work hours, etc), then by all means, she should follow her heart.

    If she hasn’t really considered her post-graduation plans, I think she should get some more information before making a decision.

  14. OK, after reading Anna’s story and Maya’s , I think I have a more hardnosed round of advice for Maya. She needs to determine why she wants to get into English. Is it just becuase the control freak parents have turned her off business? Or does she genuinely like English? And as I said in my prior comment, undergrad major is not a big deal. She should just finish it and move on to whatever she likes later on assuming she doesn’t have time to change majors and fit it in the 4 years. Unless she wants to be an English professor, it is not worth the aggravation to change majors. You can self educate yourself and take a few good electives. It would have been nice if Maya mentioned why she wanted to get into English because any advice would be based on the passion she feels for English. Once she is done with college, she won’t need her parents. If they don’t like what she is going to do, tough. They will get over it ina few years if they are semi reasonable people. If they don’t , then she is still bretter off, because she would spend the rest of her life in depression. I do not undertand these parents. It’s one thing to try to persuade a kid to take a major, but to create emotional problems over this and threaten a virtual disownment is emotional blackmail. What I want to see is more of the Indian community to not stay passive when this happens. If you see a guy being an unreasonable control freak to his family, maybe some friendly advice will be good. Do not encourage that kind of behavior within the family.

    I don’t get why some families move here permanently if they find American society so abhorrent. Just to make more dollars? I hope you realize that some of these parents are the ones who need help, not the kids. I come from a broken home and maybe that’s why my perspective on pleasing parents is not typical in the community. I respect my mom a lot, but she will not dictate any aspect of my life. I will listen to her wishes but not necessarily follow them. You can love your parents, but never become enablers of their control freakishness.

  15. You do know that Coetzee was an IBM porgrammer in London, right?

    Lord, what are you going to spring on me next? That Salman Rushdie spent the duration of his fatwa hiding out in a condo complex in Sunnyvale while writing COBOL code for TCS?

  17. melbournedesi, you can disagree. I don’t think the recommendation was for you to shut up, it was to exercise tact in your comments (even if they were detractory or contradictory to the main post).

  18. from another desi lit major… remind them of all the famous desi writers… it helped in my case! although, once i left the box i never stopped, from lit major to dating women, dating white men, and now to attending art school. at this point my parents keep saying “we can’t tell you anything, you do what you want” and i think they kind of respect me for it… in a way. 🙂 it’ll take convincing but eventually they’ll come around.

  19. What’s not stated in Maya’s excerpted email is whether or not she has considered what she’d do with her English degree after graduation.

    and:

    It would have been nice if Maya mentioned why she wanted to get into English because any advice would be based on the passion she feels for English.

    There is no “excerpt”. The only thing I left out was her name. As for it would “be nice if Maya had…”, when someone anguished reaches out for help, I’m not critical if they didn’t include enough information for my satisfaction– mostly because I don’t feel entitled to any information, let alone what I’m given. She was upset. She wrote what she could.

    I want to thank everyone for how kind and supportive they’ve been. What you couldn’t possibly know is that others in Maya’s shoes wrote to me right after I posted this and told me that they were avidly following the thread and gaining so much from it. What you dash off in a comment box actually made a difference to a stranger/lurker you weren’t even addressing– isn’t that kind of neat? 🙂

  20. That Salman Rushdie spent the duration of his fatwa hiding out in a condo complex in Sunnyvale while writing COBOL code for TCS?

    That was Chekov.

  21. This post really speaks to me. My life plan was: go to magnet high school, prestigious private university in major city, then med school at same. I ended up going to the “regular” high school, then after not getting in to the first choice college, ended up commuting to the suburban public university. All four years were miserable. But after the first year, I broke my parents’ hearts by deciding to dishonor them and their ancestors by switching from pre-med to…pre-law! Horror of horrors! Even when my grandmother halfway around the world calls, she still asks: “why don’t you want to be a doctor, like your father?” I’m currently in my second year of law school, and well on my way into success and happiness on my own terms. My parents have come around, but interesting to note: they were skeptical of my choices until I started reaching my own goals, by getting my grades up, getting into law school, then getting job offers. I wonder if they would be so happy if I hadn’t made it so far, but if I’ve realized anything, you have to live your own life.

    –You know what is amazing? I’ve asked around, and students from other religious and ethnic communities all say their parents would have supported them in anything, and were proud they went to law school…except for my desi friends! ALL of our parents were disappointed we chose law, and we deal with it through humor, and committing ourselves to success (whether it be in the public or private $$$ector).

    Reading the comments above, I think I got lucky: what I wanted to do (go to law school) was initially very much against my parents’ wishes, but they eventually came around, and their moral (and financial!) support is important to me. It is great that so many people are doing what they want to do, regardless of financial/parental issues, and it probably makes you better at what you do if you really enjoy your work. I think I’ll make a good lawyer, but I know I would have been a miserable doctor.

  22. As for it would “be nice if Maya had…”, when someone anguished reaches out for help, I’m not critical if they didn’t include enough information for my satisfaction– mostly because I don’t feel entitled to any information, let alone what I’m given. She was upset. She wrote what she could.

    I guess I could have worded it better. It wasn’t mean to be negative.

  23. Don’t believe the hype. Some people try to cultivate this “devil may care” attitude but the fact is that there is almost always going to be some inherited wealth in the picture. Upper middle class professionals will leave more to their kids then most working class or lower middle class people will save in a lifetime. The artsy kids of professional parents don’t have a good idea of the sacrifices they will have to make to pursue their passions….so many of them live far beyond their means.

  24. I understand your position completely. I came to the states in ’99 (not entirely my choice, although perhaps, apathy is a choice) and I was tossed into the engineering program. Took me all of 4 months to switch to Comparative Literature and Cultural studies, finish my B.A. with honors before I broke the news to my parents. But as someone noted earlier- Paents will surprise you. Apparently they knew, (not specifically, but they knew I was in the humanities). I don’t know how, maybe the lack of complaints from me, maybe the they didn’t see math textbooks in my bathroom, but they were waiting for me to tell them. And the sense of relief, it made up for all the condemnation and ridicule from my fellow desis. So I’m halfway through the ph.d in English, and my god it feels great being able to talk to them honestly, and taking a genuine amount of pride in answering ( and being able to answer) the “What do you do?” questions in family gatherings.

  25. Meh, I feel like a broken record in saying that I so relate, but reading Maya’s letter made me think of myself at age 18 or 19. I’m 28 now, but back when I started college, I began as a physics major (mainly because I loved science fiction and got good math grades). For nearly two years, I struggled, toiled, and languished in self-loathing and confusion. It’s funny, because despite the fact that I was the kind of person who staunchly refused my parents’ values, I was unconcsiously caught in the quagmire of wanting to make them proud of me and wanting to do the right and obvious and respectable thing with my life. No matter that since I was old enough to reach the bookshelves, I’d been an avid reader and writer and my passions usually had something to do with Henry James and early Greek lyric poems rather than Fibonacci sequences or sterile theorems. I played out this silly battle in my head, on my own, for TWO FRIGGIN’ YEARS before I caved, switched my major to English, and worked my ass off to ensure that I’d graduate in four years.

    To dovetail with other commenters, the post-college years (at least in the beginning) were hell. I’d been so busy just making sure I’d be graduating with the rest of my peers that I didn’t take the time to consider realistic career plans. Sure, I wanted to write–but I didn’t know the first thing about how to fulfill that goal in a terrain that seemed increasingly hostile towards naive post-pubescent creatives. For the first three years after college, I went into debt, borrowed money, worked thankless admin jobs at loosely put together nonprofits, and ate pasta for dinner almost every night. Would I do it all over again? Hell yes! Through all these challenges, I dabbled in acting, continued writing poetry and plays, and pursued my growing love for community arts activism. I was introduced to groups of people who forever changed the way I looked at my career path. I was forced to think outside the box of respectable options and really, truly build a life for myself rather than just check the generic career box.

    Truthfully, my major probably had little to do with who I am today and what I’m doing with my life (I’m a freelance editor and writer, I work at an advertising agency, and I’m a playwright and community arts activist). It was really the life experiences after college that shaped many of my interests and nudged me in my particular direction. Of course, I didn’t get clear on what that direction was until the age of 24 or 25, but I think that being an English major made me realize that I would never be able to slot myself into some predetermined cookie-cutter profession.

    And for the record, I’m fairly certain my parents are proud of me. Of course, I don’t have the car, house, kids, and lucrative stock options, but I do have a wonderful husband, a great job, and tons of perks that come with the territory (like free trips to world-class spas and resorts, season tix to the opera, and plenty of travel opportunities), not to mention a passel of interesting friends and estimable life experiences.

    All the same, I so know how difficult it can be to simply follow your heart when there are so many other things that hang in the balance, parental satisfaction and community approval not being the least of them. It’s just up to you to decide what’s more difficult–living a life of inauthenticity or sacrificing security and saying pooh to the court of public opinion.