A column (thanks, Fuerza Dulce) from the women’s magazine Marie-Claire on Anjali Mansukhani’s enthusiasm for arranged marriages (including her own), didn’t really start in what seemed like the best possible way:
By age 26, after attending more than 150 weddings, I was fast approaching my “expiration date.” (link)
“Expiration date” at age 26? That’s pretty young; personally, I think women get “expired” these days at around 27 or 28…
But it gets so much better. Anjali, a Bombayite, meets a guy who seems like Mr. Right — a New York based banker — and moves to his 40th story Manhattan apartment after three dates (and a marriage). Life there is blissfully happy:
While I craved privacy in India, the lack of neighbors and family dropping in left a shocking void every day as I ate breakfast and lunch alone. My husband worked late most evenings, and I sat in front of the TV, unable to call home because it would be 2 a.m. there.
After a few weeks, I learned that I’d married a “jetrosexual.” He had an exhausting travel schedule (four cities in four days). I joined the ranks of corporate wives who saw every show, opera, and ballet in town, just to fill the hours.
To make friends, I joined a gym, went to the library, and took Italian classes. I discovered that having an arranged marriage was a great icebreaker, and my social circle mushroomed each time I retold my story.
Marriage, I soon learned, wasn’t easy — especially to a modern man. My husband had acquired a mistress, and her name was BlackBerry. She had the power to stop discussions midsentence, her red signal lighting up his face in the way I only dreamed of doing. (link)
Such happiness. It really brightens your day.
Off to a great start, no doubt. But Anjali’s new life really takes off when she learns to name-drop consumer goods and lifestyle choices like a professional New Yorker:
As peers in India opted for motherhood and worked on post-baby waistlines, I took Spinning and pole dancing at the gym to work off exotic dinners of sweetbreads, foie gras, chocolate mousse. After reading about America’s obsession with Venti decaf skim mochas, I went to try one — but came back instead with a spiced chai latte. Amazingly, Starbucks was providing my childhood drink on every corner.
I found a job as a financial consultant. The New York Times in one hand, coffee in the other, I realized that my saris of bright pink, violet, and salmon were not exactly subway wear. Quickly, I succumbed to Levi’s and Ralph Lauren.
I started to realize that I just might have the best of both worlds. I marinated my Indian marriage in the flavors of Manhattan. I kept the sari and bought the Jimmy Choos. I made fabulous curries, seasoned with spices from Dean & Deluca. And after months of enjoying decidedly non-Indian experiences of seders, Saks, and sake, I felt confident enough to direct Indian guests to a hotel, occasionally throwing in a MetroCard.
I’m not hating, really I’m not. In fact, I’m thrilled she’s so happy — with those Jimmy Choos that she got from Bloomie’s, drinking Chai Tea Latte at Starbucks (which is just like the Chai in India, isn’t it?), before her pole-dancing class, where she’ll burn off the foie gras from the night before. Arranged marriage can be great that way.
She’s a working woman, people, she’s paying for her own stuff.
Wow. A woman can’t express likeing her life and the things in it without being criticised for being a materialistic gold-digger. And she’s digging her own gold at that!
Oh right, I forgot, bit*hez don’t want boys, they just want their cars and money! Except for the white ones, they’ll give it up to anyone.
(Note: I’m being sarcastic here)
So I read this article a few weeks and ago and was thoroughly annoyed by it. My few major bones of contention:
1) She is from Bombay but new nothing at all about sex. I find this very hard to believe considering the number of young people engaging in pre-marital sex in large cities in India. Also, even people in smaller cities have an idea of sex and what it entails. I mean it’s constantly simulated in Bollywood films.
2) She is from Bombay but first wore only saris in America and then switched to Levis. Again, WTF? In India, only women of my mom’s generation wear only saris. Unless you are in a small village, pretty much teenagers and young women all over India are wearing western clothes.
3) She likes the chai tea latte at Starbucks. That thing is so nasty and overly spiced with cinnamon, I don’t even know how she can drink them, let alone compare them to real chai. Blech!
Jasmine: People like you are the reason for my handle. The idea that Indian women must always be chaste and good. The idea that Indian women who engage in premarital sex are “troubled as sin.” I’m not a “Bad” Indian woman by any means. I just hate the double standard and moral code constantly applied to Indian women.
The only moral code I need to follow is my own.
Arranged marriages work quite well in the traditional extended (or joint) family setup in India. Your spouse is not expected to be the emotional core of your life. The guys have their own buddy network of other male members of the family for support, and the women have a similar one. Even the kids are less dependent and close to their parents, as other elder members can serve as surrogate parents when required. I personally still strongly dislike that system because it penalizes both men and women for individuality and independence, in the interests of conformity, but I can see that it works for many, and is perhaps more resilient to circumstances than a nuclear family.
However, taken out of context of the extended family, arranged marriages become ridiculous. To build the only significant relationship of your life with someone you barely know is the emotional equivalent of Russian roulette. I personally think it is cruel to unplug someone from their life back home and plonk them in the middle of Manhattan, but I won’t judge it too harshly as it is a decision between two consenting adults. Its as they say about May and December marriages: December gets the summer and May gets Father Christmas ;).
Really, when it comes down to it, this article is to Indian social commentary what Deepak Chopra is to Indian philosophy/spirituality: Nicely packaged and panderable to western audiences.
BadIndianGirl, To extend on your analysis, she is from Bombay and home deliveries in blizzards are a revelation from her, if you know Bombay you know that anything from Booze, McDonalds, groceries from our neighborhood store, to a plate of rice are all home delivered in India, you can even make withdrawals from your bank account and if the money is more than a certain sum, the bank will send a person home. On the topic of arranged marriages, I guess to each its own, there are people of my generation who are in very successful arranged marriages and people of my parents’ generation who have miserable marriages, I don’t think I am anyone to judge. For me personally this article like any other articles about India could have done with some fact checking, a lot of what the person is saying is pulled out of air and is not necessarily the truth. P.S. Her husband per the article is not ABD but born in India and working in New York.
hmmm, what to think of that article? well, im glad her arranged marriage worked out–i mean she got the rich, american desi that she always wanted. now she can buy jimmy choos and show him what she learned at pole dancing class. i cant help but be a bit sarcastic and bitter. so many indians find mates by looking at what they’re job is. i personally think thats horrible–what happened to personality and common beliefs? but then again, i guess all the shallow people find each other…
Arranged marriages work quite well in the traditional extended (or joint) family setup in India.
Sakshi, I despise AM’s more than I do UT’s, but I actually do agree with your post. I’ve always felt the purpose of marriage in Indian contexts was never to benefit the individual, or even the couple. My issue isn’t so much with arranged marriage, rather the society & attitudes prevalent make these arranged marriages viable. If the issue is to keep the extended family structure “going” essentially, then it make sense for the individual parties getting married to have little contribution to that decision. The problem is when you get someone who’s raised in this BS system who actually keeps it real, it makes for much difficulty. The matrix needs to be undone.
i feel SO uncool. i dont even know what a “Jimmy Choo” is. im going to get eaten alive when i marry some abd greenwich princess….
Oh I know, it’s so great. The best is when you get up in the morning and there is fresh coconut water ready for you that was from extracted from a cocount on your flat doorstep earlier that morning!
The article is terribly written and there is a fair bit of exaggeration, but it is what you expect from this sort of magazine.
I sense a certain degree of jealousy and / or resentment because she is living the stereotypically yuppy Manhattan life. Good for her, I say.
it isnt coconut water dear, it is a drive-by blessing from the go-mataji. i hope you didnt find it too acrid.
Actually, I expect a hell of a bit more and if I didn’t, I wouldn’t subscribe to MC.
I have no problems with stripper poles, $500 shoes or anything else– the whole, “Omg you guise are like soooo jealous of her!11one!” retort is tired. We can call bullshit on someone (because as rightly pointed out above, my cousins in India are far more likely to wear jeans than I am and gasp! They are having the sex!) when they spout nonsense like this. More power to you beauties in your Jimmy Choos, just don’t put forth palaver which then clutters one of my fave magazines. The reason why people are irritated isn’t because they are bitter, it’s because she doesn’t make sense.
81 · HMF said:
What you’re looking for is an arranged shag.
111 · Hari said:
That stereotypical yuppie Manhattan lifestyle is destroying the planet and is built on oppression. How much of the $5 she spends on her chai latte is going to the person who picked the tea leaves that went in there? (Do they even put tea in “chai?”) How much is going to some jackass iBanker who does the accounting that allows Starbucks to weasel out of just compensation?
yikes…why all the hate towards bankers…
Harbeer,
Why hate on the Ibankers, I am sure a lot of them are making an honest living like anyone else.
Agreed. Usually, they have much more thought provoking and well written articles.
Really? So I was imagining the guy coming to the door and the coconuts and everything? Wow – those anti-malarials really do screw with your brain.
Sorry, no hate on individual bankers, it’s the system I have a problem with. And I would have much less of a problem with the system if it didn’t front all egalitarian-like.
I got nothin’ but looove for ya, baby. 😉
BadIndiangirl, I’m going to respond gently because I don’t think you really understand me at all. I’m not pushing the good girl, as she is also a narrow, limited facismile of nuanced self. But the Bad Girl archetype is a myth. Have you ever read the Bad Girl guides? In one of them, girls are given directions to travel across America, having free sex with anyone who catches their fancy. The Bad Girl is free, and she uses sex as liberation- its a source of validation, and choosing who to have it with indicates her power. The only catch is that a girl can’t decide not to play and be a self respecting, enfranchised bad girl. She can’t NOT have sex and still be the idealized portrait that is depicted in western media- free, making all her own choices, rebellious. If a casual hookup in the smorgasbord doesn’t work out, the Bad Girl guides emphasize moving on, finding someone else, someone better. The bad girl is just as limited as the good girl: she can’t ultimately say no. If she doesn’t want to be sexual, or “bad”, she has no power in our modern symbolic freight; she is depicted as immature, unformed, and voiceless.
The virgin in the west is stigmatised, marginalised, and even pathologized. In virtually every popular culture representation, to be a virgin is to be uncool, unwanted, and a bit of a freak. In one woman’s health class that I took at school, all of the women reminesced about the first time they went to get their birth control prescriptions and described it as a “rite of passage”. The implication was that if you didn’t have this experience at college, you didn’t grow up.
The pressure to be sexual on campus is intense- I remember pretending to be more experienced than I was to be accepted. It was no surprise to me when I watched the All-American rejects video and saw people holding up post-its of their deepest, darkest secrets. One of them was, you guessed it: I am a virgin. Even parents play a role, bragging about their daughter’s boyfriends or wondering if they are maladjusted because they don’t yet have one.
And the reason I’ve come to this position is that sex is a bonding mechanism for women, and less so than for men. All kinds of hormones are generated during the sex act that attach you to your partner, and it takes a powerful toll on women to have sex and find that they have to ignore all of their instincts and act cool, savvy and careful. If they become hysterical over a single romance, and can’t successfully move on, they are villified as crazy. And those woman that ultimately master themselves and learn to become detached have lost something precious about themselves- when they finally do settle, they have become jaded and less able to give all of themselves meaningfully. One of my friends once said to me- its true, you know, that with every guy you’re with you have a little less to give the next one. At least four of five of my friends went the f-buddy or friends withe benefits route in college, and I recall many tearful late night conversations when they showed up at my door and agonized over why they suddenly cared so much for this guy who clearly had no real investment in their lives, and who they would never have picked out for such a role. All of them concluded in the end that they just couldn’t do it the right way; they didn’t know why; they had tried and tried, but something must be wrong with them. On the whole, women are built for longterm relationships; men are wired to be able spread their seed as successfully as possible. This is not to say that women should be chastised for leaving relationships that are harmful or dangerous or vastly unsupportive. But they owe it to themselves to think more carefully about the choices that they make. And men need to respect women’s independence instead of slandering them with epithets like “cocktease” or as having a “golden vagina”.
If a woman genuinely wants to get married in western society- which a number of my friends did- they often find themselves trapped in relationships where they are auditioning for the part- playing the role with all of the emotional liability but none of the commitment. I felt for them- after a few years of sex and cohabitation, they were often on their own again, looking for love but even more rudderless and let down than before.
In no way do I want to disparage western women as sluts. I have had very few Indian friends in my life, and they have been limited relationships. My give-the-shirt-off-their-back, down to the ground favourite girlfriends have always been white. They simply do what their society has mandated for them, and sometimes it works; often it doesn’t. Now that we are out of our early twenties and they’ve lived the lie, many of them are among the first to tell me that they envy the choice that Indian culture affords me.
That is ridiculous. Pole dancing is REALLY hard. It requires a lot of core body strength and arm strength — areas in which women tend to be less strong than men. How do you know it’s a “time to celebrate women (sic) hood” activity? Maybe someone wants to build up strength and balance in a non-traditional way.
Puli, Jimmy Choo is a shoe designer. So owning “Jimmy Choos” is like owning a pair of Manolos (Blahnik) — it’s just a high end, $$$ designer shoe.
. Thanks for being a good sport B.I.G. 🙂 But you’re right about the anti-malarials. They DO mess with the head.
That’s life. Someday, the revolution may come, and there may be rivers of banker’s blood flowing down Park Avenue. Until then, may the bottles of Lafite Rothschild flow in the wine cellars of Tribeca and Mayfair.
Jasmine … I think the technical term for what you are arguing is “false dichotomy.”
I heard a great quote yesterday. Well, a couple of great quotes, but they’re both quotes within a quote. Utah Phillips tells a story about Studs Terkel interviewing Kid Pharaoh–a safecracker from Chicago. Studs is surprised to find that Kid Pharaoh has a political philosophy. Kid Pharoah says:
and then Utah Phillips goes on to quote his mother who said:
Sorry for going off-topic, but there was that recent post about philanthropy. And this conspicuous consumption–completely blind to the oppression which makes it possible and to its effects on the physical, mental, and emotional environment–is destroying the planet. The yuppies in Manhattan might have the capital to deal with the fallout of their solipsistic disregard, but the average poor person in Bangladesh will not. Furthermore, according to a recent NYT article, you can’t buy happiness.
Which “India” are you guys talking about where most females even in small towns and villages wear western clothes?
In Mumbai I saw most young women wearing Western clothes. In all other major cities the majority wore Indian clothes, and in the small towns and villages it is rare to see a woman wearing western clothes. As far as most young people having pre-marital sex, in Mumbai and parts of New Delhi I can picture that. Everywhere else there is no real dating culture, even in Kolkata, which is a city of paradox – extreme conservatism alongside a sort of bohemian artistic living sense.
Even if alot of small town and village belles are getting their sexual groove on before marriage, the general ethos of the culture does not allow them to openly have boyfriends. Everything is done in secret with great intrigue and quite a bit of shame. Been there, done that. And it does add a heightened sense of excitement and adventure to the whole thing in comparison to the open and accepted relationships I’ve had sense.
JAsmine – I have a lot to say to reply to your post, but not much time to say it in. I’ll put together a real response when things slow down a bit..
uae intern are you a reincarnation of pardesi gori? Has someone already established that?
It’s possible to grow up in Mumbai and still not know very much at all about sex, depending on what type of family and environment you grow up in. Perhaps her family was ultra conservative or religious and such topics were hush hush? Perhaps she did not watch HBO? It is believable because I know people like that in Mumbai.
Jasmine, my question for you is if women should be accomodated for their evolutionary disposition (wiring) towards long term relationships, then do you also feel men should be accomodated for their disposition toward spreading their seed? How would that play out in a culture that seems to be accomodating women via marriage to one man her whole life? What then becomes of the man who is married to just one woman his whole life? Does he undergo some sort of physical or mental trauma due to this unfair set-up? Or would you suggest polygyny or having affairs?
don’t bother answering, I am almost certian uae intern in PG.
I know pole dancing requires strong core muscles, but the whole idea that there is a workout based on something guys wack off too is too funky for me.
I dont know of a single workout for men based on having fun, yet women need the workout to be the time of their lives. There is no “Yoga booty ballet” for men and that makes me mad damn it!!
All I can say is, it must have been a slow news day, Amardeep. We’re back to arranged marriage threads again? Yuck.
Everyone, together now. Please chant the following:
“Arranged marriages suck! No, they rock. Wait, they suck and rock. They work really well! Or not. But not like America, where they love sex too much. Or not enough. Wait, they fetishize virgins in India. No, they’re neurotic about sex in America. Women are hated. Men are oppressors. Western women are not sluts, unless I feel like it. Indian women are frequently sluts, especially when they choose to sleep with people other than me.”
While arguing, please take this Hefty bag, fill it with lawn clippings, draw a face on it, and go out back and beat the bejeezus out of it.
Shallowthinker,
There is actually a right hand or left depending on the individual for men 🙂
Salil M: LMAO!
Sometimes, it’s less about “a slow news day” and more to do with a lack of time to devote to more “serious” news. The opportunity to write about something light-hearted is also appealing; the fact that many here, even if some don’t, appreciate or enjoy such threads isn’t trivial, either. To each, their own bloggy diversion. Anyway, being able to choose topics is one of the few perks of the bunker. Or so I hear.
Salil,
Bravo. you were surprisingly even-handed in your caricature. Not one-sided at all.
Belly dance or middle eastern dance classes have been offered in gyms for a long time now. They are also something that men whack off on while watching, I guess. However, these days some men are joining those classes too, so there’s nothing to prevent men from having fun while working out anymore. Belly dancing is a hard work out.
Marriages are arranged the world over, and the closer you are to nature and to a “tribe” or “clan” or “community”, the better they seem to work (for the community at least, than compared to a choose your own mate and live seperately scenario).
The fact that people mature sexually faster than they graduate and get a job means that there will be more premarital sex everywhere in modern societies compared to societies where youths marry very young because they are not required to go for extended education and struggle to find a high paying job.
However, I don’t think it’s a bad idea for a society to encourage the early marriage of college students to each other, you can share an apartment or dorm room with your spouse just as you would a roommate, go through college with them, look for jobs together, etc, and have your sexual needs met in a “moral” (or at least less complicated) way that would ideally spare you the heartbreak and drama that gets old really fast in the dating and sleeping around cycle.
Some people actually do this even in America, some Christian Universities encourage that and I think it’s an idea that makes sense emotionally and physically.
It’s possible to grow up in Mumbai and still not know very much at all about sex, depending on what type of family and environment you grow up in. Perhaps her family was ultra conservative or religious and such topics were hush hush? Perhaps she did not watch HBO? It is believable because I know people like that in Mumbai.
You dont learn about sex by talking about it or watching HBO. The only way to learn about sex is to actually engage in it.
Jasmine @ 120
I will ruminate over your piece for about 6 hrs and then get back to you on your analysis of the issue. Right now I am not ding a good job of multi-tasking.
HMF:
Thanks! You were surprisingly evenhanded in your praise for my comments! Not condescending at all!
Not sure what condescending praise would sound like, but I guess if anyone’s capable of producing it, it’d be me, right?
The reason this was probably brought up was because she mentions receiving a crash course about sex. Stuff that she would have learnt in a crash course should have been known to her anyways.
I am a jumbojetrosexual in the husband department, if you know what I mean.
Is that Sindhi for sex?
It must feel so fulfilling for Anjali to work her way up from a wealthy family in Bombay to a wealthy I-banker in New York, purely by virtue of the location and sex she chose for herself at birth.
Oral and anal sex is something that alot of people still can’t comprehend, so maybe she was talking about things like that, more than just the basic “Bibi idar aou, ek do teen, bas, sojaou”.
And you can learn and know alot about sex without having it, the author of Kama Sutra was supposedly a brahmachari.
If their are guys in your belly dancing class then it is your duty as a human being to video tape it and put it on the internet. This deed of men in a belly dance class should be punished to the fullest extent of social law.
Hi….are you the one and only “wingman” rahul? long time buddy…
Puli, I certainly hope so. There’s plenty of Rahulworthy material here.
Early marriages don’t necessarily make sense. Nothing wrong with pre marital sex. I actually think being a little “loose” is preferable to getting tied down to marriage or even old fashioned dating where your world is restricted to this one partner way too early for too long. I am a little conservative when it comes to school kids doing it. But once you are in college, you are on your own. If you want to have sex, I see that as healthier than other forms of relief like drinking or drugs.
Yes, I have seen Christian kids here sometimes marry when they are sophomores just so that they can have sex. It is not that common, but hey, whatever.
I had music…
And definitely I hope one doesn’t learn about sex from HBO judging by their godawful Real Sex series which is anything but realisitc. Looking at that show one would think that real sex is pretty much old people going to a scam hippie retreat where some ugly old couple recite some nonsense about chakras and mispronounce a million other Hindu words, and then the ugly old couples lie down on the floor and go through some self-discovery exercise, and then they get discovered by their peers in the next session. And the only way to enjoy sex is to splatter a lot of sticky food on your body and have a bunch of toys lying around waiting to be played with.
Considering the prevalance of prostitiution in India, someone needs to do an Indian version of HBO’s Pimps Up Hos Down series.