A column (thanks, Fuerza Dulce) from the women’s magazine Marie-Claire on Anjali Mansukhani’s enthusiasm for arranged marriages (including her own), didn’t really start in what seemed like the best possible way:
By age 26, after attending more than 150 weddings, I was fast approaching my “expiration date.” (link)
“Expiration date” at age 26? That’s pretty young; personally, I think women get “expired” these days at around 27 or 28…
But it gets so much better. Anjali, a Bombayite, meets a guy who seems like Mr. Right — a New York based banker — and moves to his 40th story Manhattan apartment after three dates (and a marriage). Life there is blissfully happy:
While I craved privacy in India, the lack of neighbors and family dropping in left a shocking void every day as I ate breakfast and lunch alone. My husband worked late most evenings, and I sat in front of the TV, unable to call home because it would be 2 a.m. there.
After a few weeks, I learned that I’d married a “jetrosexual.” He had an exhausting travel schedule (four cities in four days). I joined the ranks of corporate wives who saw every show, opera, and ballet in town, just to fill the hours.
To make friends, I joined a gym, went to the library, and took Italian classes. I discovered that having an arranged marriage was a great icebreaker, and my social circle mushroomed each time I retold my story.
Marriage, I soon learned, wasn’t easy — especially to a modern man. My husband had acquired a mistress, and her name was BlackBerry. She had the power to stop discussions midsentence, her red signal lighting up his face in the way I only dreamed of doing. (link)
Such happiness. It really brightens your day.
Off to a great start, no doubt. But Anjali’s new life really takes off when she learns to name-drop consumer goods and lifestyle choices like a professional New Yorker:
As peers in India opted for motherhood and worked on post-baby waistlines, I took Spinning and pole dancing at the gym to work off exotic dinners of sweetbreads, foie gras, chocolate mousse. After reading about America’s obsession with Venti decaf skim mochas, I went to try one — but came back instead with a spiced chai latte. Amazingly, Starbucks was providing my childhood drink on every corner.
I found a job as a financial consultant. The New York Times in one hand, coffee in the other, I realized that my saris of bright pink, violet, and salmon were not exactly subway wear. Quickly, I succumbed to Levi’s and Ralph Lauren.
I started to realize that I just might have the best of both worlds. I marinated my Indian marriage in the flavors of Manhattan. I kept the sari and bought the Jimmy Choos. I made fabulous curries, seasoned with spices from Dean & Deluca. And after months of enjoying decidedly non-Indian experiences of seders, Saks, and sake, I felt confident enough to direct Indian guests to a hotel, occasionally throwing in a MetroCard.
I’m not hating, really I’m not. In fact, I’m thrilled she’s so happy — with those Jimmy Choos that she got from Bloomie’s, drinking Chai Tea Latte at Starbucks (which is just like the Chai in India, isn’t it?), before her pole-dancing class, where she’ll burn off the foie gras from the night before. Arranged marriage can be great that way.
And an untypical, snarky attack on the typical women’s mag style writing!
No attacks here. I found it to be a very inspiring story!
Didn’t she learn that saris are out of place in New York at her pole dancing classes? 😉
Also, Levi’s at a job as financial consultant? Jeans??
What does she mean by this? While sometimes I wish that my parents’ friends wouldn’t basically use our house as a hotel when they visit New York, I think the hospitality is also nice. It’s a statement on ‘becoming American,’ going from craving company to craving privacy.
Also my parents have a lot of friends who have kids younger than me, who are in upper elementary & middle school now. A couple of weeks ago when I was home, one of the boys, who is in fifth grade, asked me if I was thinking about marriage. (I’m a sophomore in college). I responded along the lines of, ‘Uhh, no, I probably won’t get married until I’m at least 28…’ And he was in shock. I cringe at the shock he’s gonna feel when he goes through puberty and realizes that he won’t be getting married to anyone since he’ll like boys (I can tell with this little one, I just can).
You are hating bro. 🙂
hah, i’m so glad you posted on this! when i read this article a month ago i both cringed and laughed. while she wrote about her arranged marriage experience in a somewhat funny, fashionable way (i’m sure to appease to the marie claire readers), it annoyed me that she used that as a story to increase her social circle. it’s like she tried to make her experience all exotic. And yeah…that name dropping was just the icing on the cake! speaking of arranged marriages, did anyone see that show “the big bang theory” on cbs tonight? the show was all about the indian character on the show hooking up with someone arranged by his parents.
“Had I found my own mate, I’m sure my parents would have come around, but I’d have to live knowing that they wouldn’t be truly emotionally invested in the success of the marriage.”
wtf?
Well written piece but liberally sprinkled with porkies.
porkies – australian for tall tales.
Just a reminder folks. Not everyone aspires to be a genome splicing ironman double PhD on a book tour juggling between her own show on “O” and a syndicated column in WSJ.
I read it. She was sweet and earnest and human and sans bitterosity. We should all be so fortunate.
Most Americans have sex on the third date. I married my husband after meeting him for the third time. I’m Indian, and having an arranged marriage is something that my ancient culture still thinks is a great idea.
most americans have sex on the third date? i guess stereotyping and exoticizing another culture is OK if that culture is american. and if she married him on the third meeting, well, she too had sex on the third date it seems.
Oh, the unbearable lightness of the desi bourgeoisie: enjoy the pleasures of Saks and Ralph Lauren, but also feel relentlessly oppressed by the janitor with white privilege. The upper-class Indian sense of entitlement, and the joyous excesses of American consumerism. The best of both worlds, indeed.
I think its part of the alien experience, I moved to the US by myself when i was 17 (no distant relative for me here) and i used the exotic angle to as a great conversation point to socialize, 6 years later in retrospect it might have not been the smartest move, but it did help me as as a starting point to make friends and socialize with people here (no tall tales btw, just the amusingly different viewpoints and practices. I used to live in a small hick town in florida.
You should have hated, cause I did. She is saying that “I married a stranger” … as if she has a choice to marry on her own. I grew up in India and I know more than 85% of marraiges are arranged in India. She married a stranger because most every girl in India does. She is just bragging about how she married (or “bagged”) an American born banker.
I’m honestly lost as to how you got this at all from her article. She didn’t mention a single thing about ‘white privilege.’
And razib – this is marie claire, not exactly scientific writing. she makes broad (& embarrassing to me) generalizations about Indian culture too, IMO.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but my mother married the man she fell in love with (love at first sight as they fought for the perfect bajji at the bajji stand) over twenty-five years ago. And my mother isn’t even particularly forward-thinking among her generation.
Well, thank you, Amardeep, for giving me the opportunity to tell SM how much I loved this article.
Who is happier, this girl or my old college roommate, who slept with nine men in a single year? The one who wanted someone who knew how to cook..she had a proper sense western sense of detachment, and wouldn’t dream of letting the old get in the way of the new. (Because she knew well the real message each western magazine bludgeons into every female head: that to not be cool about letting go is to be certifiably psychotic, clingy, and you know, a wacked out craaazy chick) So by the time my old roommate found someone she wanted to marry, she was so inured and emotionally damaged that she couldn’t get attached to anyone at all, and was divorced within the year? Such a beautiful, charismatic, gorgeous girl but she was troubled like sin. And don’t tell me she’s an isolated example- I’ve had over twenty close friends over the course of my university career, and the only ones who weren’t in and out of people’s beds were the two Indian girls. I’ve had a chance to hear my friend’s most intimate thoughts on the subject, from attempting to be “f-buddies” and hating themselves for getting attached to the trauma of having to live the lie: “the best cure for someone is some other one”.
This is a society that assumes that a woman who is a virgin until marriage needs help because she is frigid. A place where being chaste is one of the darkest secrets a person can have- that they somehow don’t fit in, or that they’re not attractive enough, rather than honouring some sacred part of themselves. It is a place where women constantly have to put themselves on the line physically and emotionally to prove their worth on college campuses, in their social circle, in modern society. If you’re not doing it, you have psychological problems or you just ain’t hot.
Men and women are different. And the security of an arranged marriage honours that, as well as pays homage to a woman’s innocence and vulnerabillity. Both of which are characteristics that I value about myself.
Something about this woman’s story makes some people deeply uncomfortable. I can understand it coming from mainstream media, but from you guys? The western myth of “free” love has deeply betrayed women, and it has done it over and over. I’m not the only one who thinks so.
jackie’s courtship and marriage to jfk progressed along similar lines
Wow, Jasmine, you just opened up the gates to cultural relativism pissing match.
Isn’t Wendy Shalit also the woman who proposes that we should go back to the 1950’s, when women wore circle skirts and orgasmed while baking cookies?
This trashy piece of writing by the lady is getting a lot more attention than it deserves. Vapid exoticization mixed with an adventure in self aggrandization is what this piece is.
hey kesh…sorry didn’t mean to hate! i guess we all relate differently when come into a new setting. i guess since i couldn’t relate, i just felt that it was an easy fall back…like “hey look what i just did!”. but i can certainly see how sharing her experience would have helped her open up and make new friends and settle in.
i guess she could’ve went with naiomi wolf but its a shame to mix a great whisky with coke.
What part of India – urban/rural/north/south, what socio-economic demography, what period as in these days or 5 years back or something?
13 nala: No, I don’t think this particular person will use the phrase “white privilege”. It was more about a double standard I have noticed among a certain class of Indians I’ve had the misfortune of encountering here. In any case, isn’t a fashionable diversity meme lurking not too deep beneath the self-exoticization? She is just celebrating the best of both worlds, even though she is a poor lass from a postcolonial land! She is the disempowered, the traditional other, celebrating her culture, loving America AND her native customs! Now only if the Jade Goodys of the world would relent…
jasmine,
this is amerika. people can get arranged marriages if they want. this is also the land of ‘true love waits.’ we have all sorts. and there aren’t two options here, getting nailed by 9 dudes in one year vs. arranged marriage.
And the security of an arranged marriage honours that, as well as pays homage to a woman’s innocence and vulnerabillity. Both of which are characteristics that I value about myself.
innocence? look, that crap pisses me off. you know why? i’m tired of listening to relatives talking about what sluts western women are and how honorable arranged marriage with someone you barely know is. think on this: in many arranged marriages a woman who has met a man perhaps two or three times then proceeds to allow him to place his penis inside her vagina. that is, his penis inside her body. i’m being graphic here because let’s compare the reality side-by-side here. my mother is religious so she believes that the hocus-pocus of nikah or whatever makes it all OK, but since i don’t believe in that stuff i really don’t see why this isn’t more abhorrent then having sex with someone you’ve only known a few weeks or months but aren’t sure you are going to marry.
that being said, let’s remember thta the debate isn’t divided into black & white. there are many arranged marriages which integrate elements of choice and many marriages of choice with exhibit elements of arrangement.
Snark, snark. This is actually a rather amusing piece. And she’s not alone. Even clueless little non-brown girls like me can dine out on tales of exotic marriage(mine) and quaint this and that and expand one’s social circle oh so rapidly with breathlessly amazed “friends.” There’s nothing like being a walking version of National Geographic to entertain those to the right and left of you (geographically and politically) at dinner. And one doesn’t have to be married to a multi-city banker to get to know the mistress – there’s the gym, the overtime, the cigarettes, the, the,the… She actually sounds a little lonely. On the other hand, it’s a great way to be married and not have to deal with most of the details 24/7.
Should give Marie-Claire readers some fodder to discuss in spinning class- might increase Starbuck’s Chai latte sales, too. Wonder if there is any product placement involved here…
“Expiration date†at age 26? That’s pretty young; personally, I think women get “expired†these days at around 27 or 28… “
The new “expiry date” for well educated and career oriented desi women is 31…
er, Manju, which one is the whiskey and which one is the coke?
Also, I know you love to point out the inconsistencies among feminists, but I actually see points in what both Shalit and Wolf say (and other feminists would disagree vehemently with both). A little mystery goes a long way, IMO. I just cringed at Jasmine’s insinuation that girls who have premarital sex must be fucked in the head.
oh, i’m saying wolf is a whisky and coke. shalit’s straight up…and thus more or less persona non grata in the feminist circles i frequent.
well, if she insinuated that i agree. oral sex is an individual choice and must not be forced on anyone.
Many “liberal” expiration dates are at 27 alright. (many conservative expiration dates are at 24-25. Maaaaybe 26.) Even then, that means, at 27, she’s expired, so things to happen before it. And, frankly, for these processes, there’s not that much time between 26 (or 26.5, 26.75) and 27 — she mentions a 16-month engagement herself (a year not unusual). At 26, one’s definitely approaching the expiration date. IMHO.
Yes, I’m aware I’m just picking a bone.
and which feminist circles, pray tell, are these? (my feminism is my own; very few of my friends take on the moniker)
also,
this was kind of hilarious. damn you manju.
Also I’d wager it’s not so much that Wolf is ‘diluted’ that she is still respected among feminists, but because she doesn’t blame feminists for everything.
But getting back to the marie claire article. It seems to me like she wants to convince us of how happy she is with her life while simultaneously playing on the superficiality and could-be-emptiness of her life. I’m sure it’ll all be changed by having kids, though.
Anjali’s article has “paruppu/peter” (meaning brag/blow one’s own horn in Tamil slang) written all over it.
It’s good to see women exercise and experience their newly found …mhhh…freedom, relief and independence (her own words). But Anjali’s tone, choice of words show her “peter”ness than anything else. “Look I have a rich husband..I live in Manhattan on 40th floor…look..look”. And what’s up with the stabs she takes at American culture? probably, she thinks she has figured out what being American is all about.
well nala, try this thread on feministing. i haven’t read it but i bet shalit gets wacked harder than camille paglia at a s&m club.
Most people have some form of sex on the second date, if you’re >26.
Manju, I think the reason that many feminists are upset with Shalit is because her message really is that girls who wear short skirts and gasp have premarital sex are sluts. Note that she focuses solely on the responsibility of the female to keep her legs closed. Wolf expresses a paternalistic concern for young women’s sex lives that feministing also ripped into. Possibly not as hard, but that’s because Wolf is coming at it from a feminist perspective, not a decidedly ‘feminists ruined society!’ one. Frankly I get tired of the debates about this crap, because I feel like the media reports of ‘today’s young women are emotionless sluts!’ are overstated, though I can also see what they’re getting at just based on what I’ve seen in my own life.
Also I kind of consider feministing to be the ‘pop feminism’ version of what you can read at feministe or pandagon.
Really funny post, Amardeep.
:D. Thanks a lot for putting it in perspective, dude. I’ve had exactly the same thought many times.
Perfect diagnosis, Babu.
Anjali’s article has “paruppu/peter” (meaning brag/blow one’s own horn in Tamil slang) written all over it.
she can snag herself an Ibanker, but she won’t be able to buy grace or class 😉
no, you need american express for that.
innocence? look, that crap pisses me off. you know why? i’m tired of listening to relatives talking about what sluts western women are and how honorable arranged marriage with someone you barely know is. I have lost count how many times in the last 5 years some swarthy punjabi guy has asked me how many white women I slept with when I was young and before I get married.[ I was born and raised lived in an area that was 99% white before I moved to Vancouver 5 years ago]. I think I’m a OK looking guy, but do these guys think I’m that much of a stud or do they think that all western women are sluts. Since 49% of my friends are what you would call western women I think there is a stupid stereotype.
But I guess it ok for us to stereotype them, but it wrong when they stereotype us.
And one more thing, arranged marriage sucks!
well, if she insinuated that i agree. oral sex is an individual choice and must not be forced on anyone.
Manju @ 27 – ROFL
8 · khoofia said:
We can’t all be so fortunate. There aren’t enough resources in the world for everybody to “rise” to that level (as if that vapid existence is something to be desired). Yeah, I’m hating.
Manju @ 27, Nala @ 39–y’all keep the laughs rolling and I’ll keep up the sanctimony.
What bothered me the most about this article (other than the slut-bashing) was that WTF, this marriage hasn’t been tested yet…He goes off to earn money in his jetrosexual way, she plays with his money all day, they come home, eat dinner, have sex, watch TV, then start all over again. What’s not to like (other than the incredible emptiness)? No kids, no job stresses, no real mistresses (that we know of), no tamasha from parents…this is about as white-bread of a life as you can get. Makes me wanna puke that this even made it to the press…goddamn exoticism. Damn straight, I’m hating.
15 • Jasmine said:
Thank you, Jasmine, for making a wanker like me look (relatively) less self-righteous!
And your theory is that she would not be “troubled” if she’d kept her legs closed. Interesting, but sorry, correlation does not imply causation.
Of course she needs help, she’s not going to lose her virginity on her own!
That’s deep. Would you say they come from different planets?
You’re half-right. It’s not her arranged marriage that makes me uncomfortable, it’s her shallowness–her attempts to assuage her loneliness with things. She could teach English to grannies in Jackson Heights and be a lot less homesick. She could wear her sari (or jeans) to volunteer at a battered women’s shelter and I’d call her a heroine. She could use her Dean & Deluca spices to cook meals for the homeless and I’d nominate her for president.
Sweetbreads? Foie gras? Gross.
That was my favorite part of the article – reverse exotization of the AB(C)D, love it.
Also, I’m surprised no one commented on this yet or maybe they did and the SM intern got to them but she’s not exactly a looker in those photos (unless they’re just really ridiculously unflattering which would be odd for a woman’s magazine). One would think someone of his station in life would acquire more of a stunner. My male cousins are rather average looking (and not even particularly well off) and brought back beautiful wives from India who would have never looked twice at them here.
I also am not fond of this insinuation that Western = sex-freaks = sluts. The only two girls who kept their legs closed were Indian? What does that say about what we consider to be “acceptable” sexual behavior among desi women? Right, I’m sure no desi woman, ABD or DBD, anywhere, has premarital sex. And all those who do become depressed, destroy their marriages, recover with a stint of sex-crazed bedswapping and have their tubes dry up because they just couldn’t settle down. This sets up such a false dichotomy where arranged = virginial = virtuous vs. non-arranged = slutty = cracked in the head. It also totally ignores that not all women WANT to get married. I don’t understand why all this judgment has to enter the picture (in either direction).
As for the article, what is there to say? It’s just a bit vapid, and she sounds lonely in her marriage. It sounds like she’s made her own fun.
As for the expiration date, I think it depends on your circle. I’ve definitely heard the “expiration date” of 26, but I hear it much more among friends who are actively pursuing the arranged marriage option or who feel very strongly about being married to a specific kind of person (be it by ethnicity, religion, etc.). I think the “top end” is moving towards 30 (similar to how it is for women in the U.S. more broadly). Not that I think women have an expiration date or that this argument makes any sense — it is entirely stupid and makes us sound like all our eggs are waiting to go off (and that our only purpose is to get married and procreate).
I guess I am going to expose my utter lack of hipness (and the extent to which my mind dwells in the gutter) when I ask this, but in this quote:
is “pole dancing” the “dance” that strippers dance ? If so, how come I haven’t seen this at a gym in my neighbourhood ? Anyone care to enlighten ?
Somewhat more seriously: I think I recognise what Anjali Tansukhani was up to when she wrote that “. . .having an arranged marriage was a great icebreaker.” I still recall the number of rapt listeners I would get when recounting the various Benadryl-scented, babyshit-stained, trans-Atlantic journeys I had experienced in close proximity to desh-bound desi babies who were being taken, at age 2-3 months, to be shown to their grandparents. While a part of me liked to believe that my audience was drawn to the raconteur in me, I knew that many people must’ve just been thinking, “Damn, these Indians are weird.”
That says something about him – either a true emotional connection between them (which would be aw shucks lovely), or he’s got a girl (or guy) on the side… 😉