But what will the community think?!

padma and russell simmons.JPG

Ah, Padma.

Padma, Padma, Padma.

Potentially Mallu (I thought you were TamBrahm!) beauty, accomplished author and Television ish-tar, you speak so uniquely and that takes some talent. What sort of talent, I haven’t a clue, but I’ll credit you anyway, because I’m fond of you like that.

A few years ago, you made every Desi man’s heart beat a little bit faster, from the joy of the improbable occurring; if a supermodel would marry an award-winning, uber-protective, “distinguished”-looking author, then everyone had hope (as long as they did something extraordinary. Or had a looooot of paisa). It was the ultimate Revenge fantasy and that’s exactly what it was, because the dream, it died. You and the man who defended your intellect, who insisted that you were being shortchanged by the focus on your outsides, you are…kaput.

So, what to do, except to follow the well-established mores of our culture. You don’t recall? I am happy to remind. Now comes the time when you cast your eyes downwards, marinate in the somber reality of failure and wait an appropriate time before you are back on the scene, the ultimate “Innocent Divorcee, no issue”. It is imperative that you be seen alone, that you not be photographed with strange men touching you, because if a potential groom from Madras or Bangalore sees that, chee, vat he vill think?

So it is paining me, Padma-akka (chechi?!) to see you emulate the controversial example of that Sarita Denzel Masala of Mississippi, especially since you chose to do that in the front row of the Marc Jacobs show, where everyone could see you! Aiyo! What’s the one thing your Amma told you, edi?

“Don’ bring home a Kala or Muslim.”

Stop lying, you aren’t special, she totally said that. [Aside: whenever I hear that oft-repeated phrase, I wonder what would happen if one chose to bring home a KALA MUSLIM, but I digress]. I’m well aware that all of our parents ignorantly shouted this rather nonsensical order at us, in an attempt to be helpful (though I’m sure for our Muslim friends it was “Don bring home a Kala or a Hindu!”, since the hate goes both vays).

So, what are you doing? Yes, this Russell, he is healthy, wealthy, wise. He does yoga. He is a vegan (unlike you! Naughty, naughty omnivore!) and he seems kind. BUT. He has two children! And his ex-wife will smear Vaseline on her face, take her bamboo earrings (at least two pair) off, hand them to her assistant and then CUT YOUR ASS UP. Have you not seen Life in the Fab Lane, starring Kimora Lee Simmons? Put down the bong and pay attention: you should be terrified!

Worst of all, when I was watching the Today show this morning, I saw your “friend” Russell. He was wearing his “uniform” of baseball cap, sweater, shirt, jeans, sneakers. Ek tiny problem: there was an OM symbol on his jeans pocket. Now I am both Christian and a quondam lover of status denim (Diesel, Blue Cult, James et al), so I am just slightly, less offended than half of those who are sure to comment AND I get that the kundi pockets must have some elaborate design on them, to show people you have rs.5500+ to burn on a pair of pants which was once worn by the working class…to WORK, but I was taken aback when I saw that, much as I was when I viewed this commercial. Someone who is so entranced with our culture should know better than to put a sacred image on a back pocket!

Om on pocket? Home with two kids, and a fiercely mean ex-? Far too friendly hand on your leg? What are you thinking? Who will want you, if you continue with such shenanigans? They will burn you in effigy, I tell you. Or worse. They will call for strikes. The sweatshops in Bangladesh will stop stitching Phat Farm and Baby Phat crap! There will be chaos!

I only say all of this to be nice. I am concerned for you! If you ask me, you should try to be more homely and make sure you fast on Fridays for a good husband; perhaps your kinda-boring cooking show can tape on other days? Vatewer. I care, so I advise. I am like this only. You should be, too. Hangari!

Photo via NYT. A big, juicy “thank you” to Rumor Monger, for the tip. 🙂

415 thoughts on “But what will the community think?!

  1. Runa#49,

    I think you are right, the only other movies I can think of are Coolie where Amitabh’s character was Muslim and Muqaddar Ka Sikander where Rekha’s character Zohrabai was Muslim.

  2. 12.4% of americans are black, not 25% http://factfinder.census.gov/servlet/ACSSAFFFacts?_submenuId=factsheet_1&_sse=on

    Sir Razib, I know that. That 12.4% is of those who self-identify as African Americans in the census

    Now, let us to start including the Creoles (the ones who do not identify as African Americans, some do), and all the mixing that went for 300 years or so. Part African is more than it is acknowledged in USA.

    25% is number I read (I said Afircan origin in my comment, not African American), and I am busy with work to cite.

  3. Kamalhassan had a Fair skinned Tamil Brahmin – Dark Telugu Non Brahmin pairing with Sarita in MaroCharitra. In India, that could be even more drastic of a pairing. The brahmin father freaks out at the possibility is son would consider marrying a meat eating non Brahmin. A lot of “aiyyyoooo”s were uttered by the character.

  4. I think she mean’t pre Bombay which is pre 1995, and Julie had a Christian Hindu pairing.

    sorry, my bad….

    However the most recent hindu boy-muslim girl-unsupportive parents-movie is Salaam-e-ishq. It also featured an american girl-meets-anpad taxidriver angle.

  5. Now, let us to start including the Creoles (the ones who do not identify as African Americans, some do), and all the mixing that went for 300 years or so. Part African is more than it is acknowledged in USA.

    the genetics is pretty well studied now thanks to companies like ancestrybyDNA.

    about 80% of the ancestry of african americans is “african” (20% european) about 1% of the ancestry of non-hispanic whites is “african” puerto ricans are about 30-60% african depending on your sample (the balance is european and amerindian) cubans are in the same range (though the typical american cuban is whiter and american puerto rican blacker in terms of the ranges above because of specific migration patterns) mexican americans are probably on the range of 5% if mexico can serve as a model

    so no, you don’t get anywhere close to 25%

  6. I am a huge fan of Padma. (Not just because she’s a smokin’ hot Mallu gal either.) Her first cookbook sold very well. Initially, the first model-hostess of Top Chef sucked. That’s why she wasn’t called back after Season 1 of Top Chef. For Season 2, she was replaced by Padma, who was called back for Season 3! I love Padma’s look she wears very little makeup. She has an amazing body too. And, you can tell she has not had any work done – unlike a lot of people in Hollywood & Bollywood. She doesn’t wear the cheesy colored-contacts that many desi actresses do. I’ve met her in person at events, street and Kalyustan’s (she has an apt. in Midtown East). She looks so beautiful.

    About her attraction to older men… Maybe it’s because her father had no part in her life. Her parents were divorced when she was just an infant and she was raised by her mother. I’ve her that girls who have an absent father tend to get attracted to older men.

  7. This Russel guy is a total yoga nut. He has all these Indian artifacts in his house and is always talking about hinduism and yoga, but then again I would be looking for a way to clear my head to if I sold records to kids telling them how they should never report crimes and should sell drugs and kill in order to get some ass.

    Basically he sells poison to young black minds.

  8. I think there are many examples in the recent times, including Veer Zaara

    yea brown, I was just stating the most recent movie and hence the reference to SEI. I do however acknowledge that there have been many cross-cultural love stories since Mani Ratnam’s Bombay….

  9. me: hand them to her assistant and then CUT YOUR ASS UP.
    Jeet: anna, 90s called they want their slang back…sorry couldnt help it. Even i dont know whats the equivalent of that in today’s time, gotta hit the streets!

    I beg to be differing. I’ve totally heard that or variations thereof…”BITCH! I. WILL. CUT. YOU.” etc ad slanginum. 😉 Besides, think of how old both of these vomen are…and then it seems that is current enough. Everyone over 30 dwells in the past anyway, since hiphop and everything else musical was better 15 years ago. 😀

  10. so no, you don’t get anywhere close to 25%

    this may be (although I don’t understand how the puerto rican number depends on the sample but the number for the US as a whole does not).

    my problem with bandying about the 12.4% number is that it implies a uniformity of distribution that is not there. iowa and georgia are completely different things. DC and Detroit versus, say, Simi Valley (just an example) are two completely different things. the peaks in that distribution, as well as the troughs ought to be acknowledged, by qualifying such numbers with some minimal geographical tag.

    i know this is a bit OT.

  11. Max,

    I think we are on the same page, I apologize if it comes across as otherwise and I am definitely not trying to be an ass, back to Padma now:) Her wikipedia entry says she was born into a tambrahm (iyer family), does anyone else know if she is Malyali?

  12. Her wikipedia entry says she was born into a tambrahm (iyer family), does anyone else know if she is Malyali?

    yes, what IS she?

  13. although I don’t understand how the puerto rican number depends on the sample but the number for the US as a whole does not

    the puerto rican migration to the USA was supposedly slight biased toward more lower class individuals. the prosperous “white” puerto ricans tended to stay put. the cuban exile community is biased toward the upper & middle class refugees, who were disproportionately white. so if i draw upon a study from admixture analysis for cuba or puerto rico for the case of the USA i would use the prior knowledge of the migration pattern to bias my range.

    the peaks in that distribution, as well as the troughs ought to be acknowledged, by qualifying such numbers with some minimal geographical tag.

    this is the reason given for why most americans overestimate the number of jews and blacks in the general population; they’re overrepresented in the LA-NYC based media.

  14. I can’t help it! I used to watch every ep…then I faithfully caught up via “marathon” weekends…now I’m all…”eh…well, if there’s nothing else on…”.

    Ok.. I haven’t seen Top Chef in a couple of weeks but somebody please blog about Sara, the brown hope in TC.. Is she still around in the competition?

  15. P.S. This:

    bamboo earrings (at least two pair)

    wins major points. Not that it’s a competition or anything. 😉

    Now I just need to find that Fendi bag…

  16. if a supermodel would marry an award-winning, uber-protective, “distinguished”-looking author, then everyone had hope

    What an absurd illogical conclusion.

    Aiyo! What’s the one thing your Amma told you, edi? “Don’ bring home a Kala or Muslim.”

    Padma could easily pass for a Somali or Ethiopian from east Africa; and she and Russel look the same color. Personally I think Russel is downgrading here. Kimora looks far more attractive…..and self-confident.

  17. Padma could easily pass for a Somali or Ethiopian from east Africa; and she and Russel look the same color.

    kinda was thinking the same thing.

  18. What an absurd illogical conclusion.

    Perhaps I shouldn’t have sugarcoated shit. I just felt bad for Rushdie, who got sick of the “Beauty and the Beast”-refs, and tried to tread as gently as possible. It wasn’t my conclusion, btw…

  19. iz rushdy fugly? i always thought he looked a bit sinister with the eyebrows, but i thought chix dig the bad boys….

  20. yes, what IS she? H O T

    Am I the only one that finds Padma a bit of a minger (harsh, I know)? Her body is overrated, imo. Give me Katrina Kaif, Penelope Cruz, Monica Bellucci, Paz Vega, Giselle Bunchden, any Victoria’s Secret bird!

  21. “Don’ bring home a Kala or Muslim.”

    I remember listening to one auntyji saying this to her daughter as she prepared to send her off to America for college. I went home fervently praying that the girl would come back with a black Muslim…no such luck. The daughter remains single in the city.

  22. Katrina Kaif, Penelope Cruz, Monica Bellucci, Paz Vega, Giselle Bunchden, any Victoria’s Secret bird

    Hmmm. Fair, fair, fair, fair, fair w/o spray tan, fair w/o spray tan..

    To each their own.

  23. Hmmm. Fair, fair, fair, fair, fair w/o spray tan, fair w/o spray tan.. To each their own.

    K…

    Halle Berry/Tyra Banks/Beyonce/Nandita Das > Padma

  24. Anna #86,

    You are absolutely right.
    Not to hate on the pasties but I personally prefer people with Padma’s color, the color for me is more pleasent to look at and I have always been attracted to browner skin tones, I am not saying this well but there is a nice attitude with color. Think Carol Gracias, Djimon Hounsou etc.

  25. I had an uncle who, in his own inoccuous way, would try to tease my mom that once I went to college, I would be bringing home a black girl to marry. I didn’t find it funny as I saw nothing wrong with dating a black woman. Funny thing happened. His daughter confessed to me recently that she had a two month fling with a black guy just to see what it was like . HA HA HA HA! I guess she told me because she felt I wouldnt judge her. I do not think her parents know about it yet. I hope she tells them one day.

  26. His daughter confessed to me recently that she had a two month fling with a black guy just to see what it was like

    what exactly does that mean?… 😉

  27. Speaking of well-sexy black grls – that b*tch (Rihana?) who sang that bollox, overplayed song “under my arm braella eh eh” got a fit body. [remainder deleted]

  28. i had a friend who went off to brown u in providence and dated a succession of black guys (that was her preference). when she went home she put her hijab back on. it was pretty hilarious (one of her boyfriends was even a stripper).

  29. what exactly does that mean?… 😉

    toned down version but still supports her fathers sentiments in a way. The fling I guess was just in rebellion or a case of forbidden-things-are-more-attractive……

  30. nandita das? She’s fit, mate. Nice facial features and a well-proportioned body.

    she looks very nice and statuesque, but i was unimpressed with her when she spoke at an event, did not find her as smart and articulate as i had imagined her to be based on her choice of movies. seriously dented my crush on her (of course, i’m sure she is still curled up in a ball crying her eyes out about this tragic turn of events).

  31. Actually, I’m pretty sure Kimora doesn’t give a shit, considering.

    I keep thinking about this.

    I wonder if she might just give one, based on what I’ve seen of her. I could imagine her being irrationally jealous (i.e. human), even as she gets down with my favorite actor from Gladiator. 🙂 After all…that’s her BabyDaddy we’re discussing. 😀

  32. His daughter confessed to me recently that she had a two month fling with a black guy just to see what it was like .

    Two months to get flung?! What, did she reach orbit or something?

    But more seriously:

    Don’ bring home a Kala or Muslim

    Really curious to know – does “Kala” here apply to generic dark-skinned people of any race or does it specifically apply to people of African origin? I have NOT been given this advice (yet?), and I’d also like to know if this is advice given only to daughters or to everyone.

  33. does “Kala” here apply to generic dark-skinned people of any race or does it specifically apply to people of African origin?

    The latter. Most definitely.