But what will the community think?!

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padma and russell simmons.JPG

Ah, Padma.

Padma, Padma, Padma.

Potentially Mallu (I thought you were TamBrahm!) beauty, accomplished author and Television ish-tar, you speak so uniquely and that takes some talent. What sort of talent, I haven’t a clue, but I’ll credit you anyway, because I’m fond of you like that.

A few years ago, you made every Desi man’s heart beat a little bit faster, from the joy of the improbable occurring; if a supermodel would marry an award-winning, uber-protective, “distinguished”-looking author, then everyone had hope (as long as they did something extraordinary. Or had a looooot of paisa). It was the ultimate Revenge fantasy and that’s exactly what it was, because the dream, it died. You and the man who defended your intellect, who insisted that you were being shortchanged by the focus on your outsides, you are…kaput.

So, what to do, except to follow the well-established mores of our culture. You don’t recall? I am happy to remind. Now comes the time when you cast your eyes downwards, marinate in the somber reality of failure and wait an appropriate time before you are back on the scene, the ultimate “Innocent Divorcee, no issue”. It is imperative that you be seen alone, that you not be photographed with strange men touching you, because if a potential groom from Madras or Bangalore sees that, chee, vat he vill think?

So it is paining me, Padma-akka (chechi?!) to see you emulate the controversial example of that Sarita Denzel Masala of Mississippi, especially since you chose to do that in the front row of the Marc Jacobs show, where everyone could see you! Aiyo! What’s the one thing your Amma told you, edi?

“Don’ bring home a Kala or Muslim.”

Stop lying, you aren’t special, she totally said that. [Aside: whenever I hear that oft-repeated phrase, I wonder what would happen if one chose to bring home a KALA MUSLIM, but I digress]. I’m well aware that all of our parents ignorantly shouted this rather nonsensical order at us, in an attempt to be helpful (though I’m sure for our Muslim friends it was “Don bring home a Kala or a Hindu!”, since the hate goes both vays).

So, what are you doing? Yes, this Russell, he is healthy, wealthy, wise. He does yoga. He is a vegan (unlike you! Naughty, naughty omnivore!) and he seems kind. BUT. He has two children! And his ex-wife will smear Vaseline on her face, take her bamboo earrings (at least two pair) off, hand them to her assistant and then CUT YOUR ASS UP. Have you not seen Life in the Fab Lane, starring Kimora Lee Simmons? Put down the bong and pay attention: you should be terrified!

Worst of all, when I was watching the Today show this morning, I saw your “friend” Russell. He was wearing his “uniform” of baseball cap, sweater, shirt, jeans, sneakers. Ek tiny problem: there was an OM symbol on his jeans pocket. Now I am both Christian and a quondam lover of status denim (Diesel, Blue Cult, James et al), so I am just slightly, less offended than half of those who are sure to comment AND I get that the kundi pockets must have some elaborate design on them, to show people you have rs.5500+ to burn on a pair of pants which was once worn by the working class…to WORK, but I was taken aback when I saw that, much as I was when I viewed this commercial. Someone who is so entranced with our culture should know better than to put a sacred image on a back pocket!

Om on pocket? Home with two kids, and a fiercely mean ex-? Far too friendly hand on your leg? What are you thinking? Who will want you, if you continue with such shenanigans? They will burn you in effigy, I tell you. Or worse. They will call for strikes. The sweatshops in Bangladesh will stop stitching Phat Farm and Baby Phat crap! There will be chaos!

I only say all of this to be nice. I am concerned for you! If you ask me, you should try to be more homely and make sure you fast on Fridays for a good husband; perhaps your kinda-boring cooking show can tape on other days? Vatewer. I care, so I advise. I am like this only. You should be, too. Hangari!

Photo via NYT. A big, juicy “thank you” to Rumor Monger, for the tip. 🙂

415 thoughts on “But what will the community think?!”

  1. you are…kaput.

    Or as Saleem Sinai would say, funtoosh (what he actually meant to say was khallas, but that is another story).

  2. Oh Padma,

    Please, please tell us that the secret to attracting succesful,rich men has to do with intelligence and not your Victoria Secret body.

    • Your deluded sister (handicapped by not having your amazing looks)

  6. Ha. Now I’m just thinking about the looks on the male Top Chef contestants’ faces when Padma pulled them out of bed on last night’s episode!

    BTW, am I wrong or does every single contestant mispronounce her name?

  10. Apologies to everybody for this totally unrelated comment : since i’m currently listening to this music…this video is for Padma

  12. Runa, I posted my comment before reading yours! 🙂 I just remembered it from someone’s comment (yours?) a while ago on SM.

  13. What? Why does every desi sister have to advise Padma (who’s in no way my sister).

    Duh, didya miss this?

    Vatewer. I care, so I advise. I am like this only. You should be, too. Hangari!

    😉

  15. since padma seems to like the 30 year age gap in general, maybe i have a chance once she is a few years older. i too can have surgery to reopen my eyelids. and i am nice hindu boy. parents should be happy, no?

    • “dead, not married”.

  16. Padma should go after Ben Kingsley next. He just got married to his 4th 20 to 30 something bride. So he is due for a divorce in a couple of years. Ben even started a production company for his young Brazilian wannabe actress wife.

  17. I just remembered it from someone’s comment (yours?) a while ago on SM.

    I’m afraid so ..this is becoming a “mantra” for me …am I suffering from midlife crisis?midlife psychosis? 😀

  18. kinda-boring cooking show

    oh no, you didn’t!! now the masala butter chicken tandoori comes out..

  20. oh no, you didn’t!! now the masala butter chicken tandoori comes out

    I can’t help it! I used to watch every ep…then I faithfully caught up via “marathon” weekends…now I’m all…”eh…well, if there’s nothing else on…”.

  21. Now that Piven has hit big with Entourage, maybe he can have a semichance with her. She seemed to toy with him during his DiscoveryHD channel travelogue to India.

  24. Pravin wrote:

    Now that Piven has hit big with Entourage, maybe he can have a semichance with her. She seemed to toy with him during his DiscoveryHD channel travelogue to India.

    Mmmm…Ari.. =)

  25. Bah-humbug, these models are a dime a dozen–if you drift around Soho to/from a late lunch, you see them (most look Slavic, to tie into Abhi’s post!), swan-like (presumbably just having arisen from a blow-fueled binge), drifting the streets without makeout or hair done. The main criteria of selection for the catwalk seem to be only two–1) height and 2) thin. Makeup artists and hairsylists seem to be the real pro’s.

    Nothing especially wrong with celebrity culture (as Razib could tell us, we’re hard-wired for gossip). Just don’t be too impressed about Padma–other than her choice in men. 😉

  26. I’d do Padma over Pamela Anderson any day. It is mindboggling KidRock and Tommy Lee are still fighting over this ugly plastic overly madeup bimbo with HepC, especially Kid Rock who is younger than Tommy Lee and has no kids with her.

    They could get hotter disease free chicks with fresher faces and natural tits. Why fight over a used up hag?

  28. By the way, Piven would not fall for the marriage trap with her. He would do her and then he would do someone else.

  30. Why fight over a used up hag?
    Baywatch

    She was already a little too plasticy by the time Baywatch showed up. I am sure Kid Rock can do better than that.

  31. More wit, less misogyny. Thanks.

    Thank you!

    And may I just point out that Kid Rock and Tommy Lee are no prizes themselves…

  32. “Don’t bring home a Kala or Muslim.”

    Desis in the entertainment world don’t care about race or religion.

  35. SBM said:

    Desis in the entertainment world don’t care about race or religion.

    Glad to see it starting somewhere. =)

  36. Desis in the entertainment world don’t care about race or religion.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rimi_Sen

    Glamsham.com interviewed Sen in July 2006 about her work in the movie Golmaal. In the interview Sen said, “I play a sweet and beautiful girl in the film. The best thing that I like about the film is that though it has four heroes, I am the only heroine. Rohit Shetty is amazing as a director. He can make even a black African look pretty.”

    some races aren’t an issue. the lisa ray polish type races.

  39. Desis in the entertainment world don’t care about race or religion.

    Shalu:

    Glad to see it starting somewhere. =)

    What?? : )

  40. hand them to her assistant and then CUT YOUR ASS UP.

    anna, 90s called they want their slang back…sorry couldnt help it. Even i dont know whats the equivalent of that in today’s time, gotta hit the streets!

  41. Dude Chet Snicker,

    That is true Rima Sen said that, and was conduct unbecoming.

    However,

    Anju Mahendru (a starlet who was one involved with Rajesh Khanna) was also once engaged to a West Indian cricketer, Sir Gary Sobers. I think Gary Sober eventually married another Indian.

    Neena Gupta, another actress claims that her daughter is fathered by no other than West Indian cricket legend, Vivian Richards.

    Now, to religion. Cross religion pairings.

    Should I start with

    Raj Kapoor – Nargis Dev Anand – Suriya Dharmendra – Meena Kumari Nargis – Sunil Dutt Shah Rukh Khan and his wife Aamir Khan and his wives #.1 and #.2 Kishore Kumar – Madhubala

    The list never ends.

    I do not know all this……or just a broken record stuck at one sentence.

  43. sir,

    i do not dispute the relative ubiquity of inter-religious pairings, that is manifestly clear from simple inspection. but would you deny that there is an asymmetry to the racial openness in the south asian entertainment industry? e.g., on the previous thread about slavs it was noted that some of them work in bollywood (yana gupta). and yet how plausible would an african actress be? unlikely i would hazard to guess!

    yours truly, c.v. snicker

  44. and yet how plausible would an african actress be?

    as if, hollywood is full of them where the country’s population is close to 25% african origin.

    FYI: Neena Gupta and Vivian Richard’s daughter name is Masaba. She is all grown up now.

  45. Raj Kapoor – Nargis Dev Anand – Suriya Dharmendra – Meena Kumari Nargis – Sunil Dutt Shah Rukh Khan and his wife Aamir Khan and his wives #.1 and #.2 Kishore Kumar – Madhubala

    Trivia:Raj kapoor never married his reel and real life love interest Nargis, but married Krishna Malhotra .Suraiya remained unmarried all her life as her grandmother opposed her relationship with Dev Anand…….

  47. Trivia:Raj kapoor never married his reel and real life love interest Nargis, but married Krishna Malhotra .Suraiya remained unmarried all her life as her grandmother opposed her relationship with Dev Anand…….

    Yes, they didn’t but a lot of others did.

  48. i do not dispute the relative ubiquity of inter-religious pairings, that is manifestly clear from simple inspection. but would you deny that there is an asymmetry to the racial openness in the south asian entertainment industry? e.g., on the previous thread about slavs it was noted that some of them work in bollywood (yana gupta). and yet how plausible would an african actress be? unlikely i would hazard to guess!

    Sir,

    That is because the India public, the hoi polloi, is not ready for black actresses. I thought that much would be obvious: movies are business decisions. No one ever accused Bollywood of a social conscience.

  49. More trivia: Evidently, Mani Ratnam’s Bombay was the first time a mainstream Hindi film portrayed a Hindu Muslim couple – India Today did an article on the “novelty ” of it …

    Though: Amar Akbar Anthony did show Akbar played by Rishi Kapoor ( born a Hindu brought up a Muslim)and his Muslim love interest.I also spotted a Hindu-Muslim couple in Gulzar’s “Lekin” .Can’t think of any others…

  50. Sukka-Dukka

    At least Russell is staying true to his interview–and sticking with dating models (or ex-models): You’re known for dating models. What do they offer besides flawless skin? They’re better than actresses. Actresses are kind of a little crazy. source: 4/29/07 New York Times magazine interview http://www.nytimes.com/2007/04/29/magazine/29wwlnQ4.t.html?ex=1189828800&en=d7b2a3b0163a97fc&ei=5070

    Flawless Skin? So Russell staying true to his interview? http://farm1.static.flickr.com/89/242034928_659512389c.jpg