My baby cousin at UCLA still hasn’t forgiven me for joining Facebook. His objection is not that I’m too old for it or that I lessen its “cool factor†with my elderly presence—he just hates the program and apparently I was the last person he knew and cared about, who was not on it. That had more to do with pragmatic causes than most anything else; I was happy on Friendster and consummately preferred it to MyAss or the more “globalâ€/Brazilian Orkut. I didn’t have time to maintain profiles on a plethora of time-sucks. And most relevant of all, I couldn’t be bothered to get an “alumni†email addy from either of the schools I managed to graduate from…and once upon a time, you needed such official stuff to participate in the Facebook-orgy.
Not anymore. And so a few of you began inviting me to join it and I pointedly ignored such requests…until one of you was Facebook-stalking a guy you thought was sooo cute.
“What’s his friendster link?â€, I asked.
“He’s not ON friendster…he’s only on Facebook!â€
“Well, then I can’t see him.â€
“But you just HAVE to see this one picture…I have a feeling you know his friend.â€
“You know how I’ve never been a bridesmaid?â€
“Yeah what does that have to do with anything??â€
“I’m signing up for this bullshit right now, so A) you best marry his ass and B) I best be in some sort of poufy outfit, twitching out of boredom on an altar in a year or three.â€
“Omg, whatever you want, just SIGN UP and so I did. But I didn’t bother uploading a pic or filling out my profile, not for a while. Then, I was asked to write something about social networking and I needed more information about FB, specifically a sense of how intuitive it was to use. I noticed, upon logging in, that I had been “poked†approximately 40 times. I also noticed that several of my far-flung friends were considerably more active and in touch on FB than they were on Fster. This puzzled me until I realized that they were destroying all of their free time defenestrating each other via “SuperPokeâ€, proving their music IQ via some guessing game which was far superior to the one on my iPod and playing Scrabble online via the hyper-addictive “Scrabulousâ€.
Well, I saw her Facebook…and now I’m a believer. I will happily eat the words which initially expressed indifference towards this program. The recent app explosion transformed FB for me, from a site to ignore to one which I am now constantly logged in to…which brings me to this post.
Now that I am spending a ton of time on there, my inner, dilettante-sociologist is hyper-stimulated. There’s so much to discover, like…
- How annoying today’s youths in high school are (incoherent and illiterate comments on group walls)
- How thousands of others also speak shitty Malayalam (via the Ende Malayalam Sucks group)
- How several of you first discovered SM! (via the SM Group, natch)
- How people are utilizing Web 2.0 to create support groups for Inter-desi relationships (!!!)
Here, read all about it. I’ll post the group’s “description” for you:
Aviyal Couples Type: Common Interest – Dating & RelationshipsDescription: This group (also a support group) is for all the desi people that are in a relationship (dating, engaged or married) where your partner is Indian but is from a different state in India or is from a different religion or caste. This type of relationship can’t be called interracial, so it can be called an ‘Aviyal Relationship’
For example: An Indian from Mumbai is in a relationship with an Indian from Bihar or an Indian from Tamil Nadu is in a relationship with an Indian from Kerala e.t.c or an Indian who is Hindu is in a relationship with an Indian who is a Christian or an Indian who is a Jain is in a relationship with an Indian who is a Brahmin e.t.c
* Aviyal – a south indian vegetable curry that has a mix of different vegetables. [Facebook]
I didn’t even realize there was a term for this situation—one I have been in for almost half of my dating life. While I tried valiantly to date Malayalee boys, “just to make it easier†on all 349 people who were potentially involved with such an alliance, I went to a college that had no Malayalee male undergrads and didn’t attend our local (read: more than 100 miles away) Syriac Orthodox church. I was far more likely to encounter Punjabi Sikh guys at U.C. Davis/Fresno/Modesto/Yuba City and predictably, that is what I often dated.
I had been making Aviyal all the way through college and I had been oblivious to it!
Whether by circumstance, i.e. being one of a handful of South Indians at a school dominated by Northies or by choice, i.e. just plain falling for someone, this is a cocktail we will see more and more of, no matter what our respective parents think of such emotional collisions. One of you, who comments regularly, is a Tamil married to a Punjabi; sometimes, the comments which inform me of this detail also contain other bits of information, which illustrate how challenging such a union is. I’m assuming both parties involved are probably Hindu, which makes things nominally easier, but when you add interreligious components to the conflict…sometimes, that is exactly what you get: conflict.
When one of the only Malayalee girls I grew up with got married about a decade ago (she was a bit older than us…because I remember that even her younger brother was two years older than me), it caused quite a stir, since she, a Namboodiri, had fallen in love with a Mallu Christian she had met at school. This was the source of much discussion and concern, as our parents pondered whether this was a harbinger of their own future disappointment.
Years later, I felt compassion for her, once I realized what the “odds†were like…it’s difficult enough finding a match who is Malayalee, finding one who is Mallu and of the same faith narrows the pool considerably—especially when you take caste or in the case of Christianity, multiple denominations in to account. It may seem counterintuitive, since Kerala’s Christians comprise a disproportionate share of Malayalee Americans, but yes, it’s hard to find a suitable boy. My father never forgave the Catholic church for what they did in the 17th century, so the thought of me marrying one was inconceivable. MarThomites were out because they were anti-feminist-Mary-haters who shamelessly chose not to revere the dead. 😉
We were fiercely Orthodox and unlike many Malayalee couples, both of my parents were Orthodox; my mother didn’t “convert†to marry him. So for me, Orthodox it would have to be.
Do you have any idea how many single Orthodox Malayalee boys there are in America, who are over the age of 32?
Approximately two.
I have a Sikh friend who is a few years older than me, who is also single, because he’s rather Orthodox himself, and most Sikh girls he encounters want someone sans beard and turban. One of you posted a NYT Vows link recently, all because the groom was Muslim and the bride was Hindu and yes, I’ll admit my non-existent eyebrows rose heavenwards upon reading it, because that’s what I’m conditioned to do. We are marinating in aviyal, whether we know it or not (pass me the drumsticks, btw…and keep the arbi to your damned self).
I’ll probably end up in an “aviyalâ€-marriage of my own, so I confess that I’m partially motivated to explore this aspect of growing up in the diaspora, out of self-interest. But I also remember a certain thread where it was brought up quite a few times, so I know it’s on your mind, too, along with potheads on celluloid and Shah Rukh Khan-endorsed colorism. If you have your own thoughts to add about aviyal, sambar or rasam relationships, speak.
There are many mutinies within which we can participate; the struggles associated with dating “outside†of the precise group we were born in to, perhaps more than any other uprising, often involve the most upheaval and anguish, even if one’s intended is also a shade of Sepia.
ak@394.
Okay now you may call me lifelong auntie or at least lifelong akka.
Idli pindi/maavu is ground coarser than dosa pindi/maavu. Dosa pindi/maavu is ground smoother than idli pindi/maavu. In dosa batter you add a little senaga pappu (channe ki dal) or kandi pappu (toor dal) and methilu (methi dana).
ak, I don’t talk to them about it either, to be honest. My parents don’t need to know every gory detail of my life 😉 When I had “dating convos” with them I was 13. No, really. It was theoretical scenarios to “break them in” to the idea. Since then we have a general “don’t ask don’t tell” policy when it comes to details. I’m sure if it was serious I’d fill them in.
Not at all Posterity 🙂 I can’t add the stuff, but I’m not going to judge or be disgusted by people who do. I just prob won’t eat it =P [for the record, I should clarify that a lot of the reason I don’t eat ghee is because I’m allergic to it. By dahi do you mean yogurt? Love the stuff, but am also allergic. I used to have it for dessert as a kid — dahi + jaggery or brown sugar. Mmmmm]
BLASPHEMY!!!!
Doesn’t pindi mean okra in Punjabi? (i.e. pindiaa?) Of course, I suppose if you tweak the pronunciation a bit it’s almost like an infanticization of pind (as in village)…
Brown and Sriram
Deep fried idlis in Bombay?
HELL YA! They are yummy. Have you tried the cheese dosa?
Camille, BHINDI=okra
Sriram,
Ha ha, exactly the same reaction I had, I was wondering if someone here has been adventurous enough to try it. Camille I think it is Bhindi in Punjabi and Hindi.
Okay, now someone’s just trying to get under my skin.
Fijova,
Yes to the cheese dosa, I am actually pretty adventurous when it comes to food as long as there are no vegetables involved, there is also a concoction called the Chosuey dosa which is great in my opinion. In terms of strange foods, my Catholic friends from Goa and Bombay swear by tongue sandwiches, it is high on my list of foods to try when I go down this fall.
rar@390.
Yes, I am aware, there there is a large non veg population, which is why I qualified that my perspective was from a veg perspective.
Sriram, I feel your pain..in lunch I had Mango tandoori chicken pizza at Californiapizzakitchen
Sriram – I guess you dont want to know about the dosa sandwich then? no? :o) What about butter idli?
Brown – havent had tongue sandwiches – am a veggie.
Thanks, Jeet and brown. Wrong transliteration on my part =) [I promise I was pronouncing it correctly in my head.. or at least as correctly as someone can with an awful Umreekan accent]
Ugh @ paneer dosa. That just sounds awful. I can imagine cheese dosa being more acceptable… but barely.
Camille – Cheese dosa is the yummiest thing ever! Its not cheese you get here – its indian cheese not paneer. Its delicious.
You can also get a chutney dosa – where the dosa is cooked with a generous portion of chutney over top. Yummy.
Camille, Jeet, BariBarsi and the Panjabis here – stop stop stop!! I am getting hungrier by the minute with all this talk about Missi Roti, Paranthas, Chhole Puri, Halva Puri, etc etc. And, I just realized that the times when I miss my mom is this, when it comes to food – sad, no? I guess the reason prolly is because I get to talk to her and I was never the hug thine parents kind and so the only thing I ain’t getting is her awesome food.
And Camille seriously, achaar and plain parantha is awesome, but I prefer the Panjabi achar with ajwain in sarson ka tel.
cheese dosa not so different than a cheese crepe…my favorite dosas are actually made by a punjabi auntie, she throws some fresh tomatoes and cilantro into it to give a nice counterpoint to the aloo bhaji
no love for paranthas and a dollop of butter on top?
Does ‘paneer’ mean something else in Tamil than in Urdu/Hindi/Punjabi (where it is, loosely, cheese)? (or if you like, ‘pannir’ or ‘panneer’ in Tamil). I just want to get in on the joke about Coffeeface’s alias. 🙂
err @415
I meant aam ka achaar.
Damn!! I would never be anything but brown just for the great food. And I have not even started about the gorgeous women!!
@416-in kerala, dosas that are sprinkled w/onions/chilis and tomatoes are called uthappam. Do other places have something similar?
you are officially my aunty. my mother uses the same pindi for both, and uses pappu (uddhi) in both. she did not mention the coarseness issue, nor does she add methi (but i do after reading several cookbooks). i’m going to have to start refining my process, and i might randomly page you on SM when i have questions 🙂
camille, my mother once gave me this long talk about how dating was fine and she trusts my judgment etc. the next day, when she was discussing ‘prospects’ for my sister, i told her she should find one for me, too, and she asked me if i was interested in getting married. when i said i just wanted somebody to date, she said ‘that’s not funny, ak.’ my parents want to think they are open and liberal, but when it comes down to it, they clearly have limits. it’s frustrating, really – i see how most of my friends’ parents have accepted bfs/gfs, but i think my parents would barely be civil to any guy i was with unless we got engaged.
… paneer is Indian cheese. That’s what I don’t like about it (in a dosa). I mean, “paneer” just means cheese, but I use it to refer to a specific kind of cheese to delineate it from, oh, say cheddar.
Oh, Ardy, looove the ajwain. No worries, I don’t discriminate that much when it comes to aachar. Actually, now that I think of it, I kind of love most foods and rarely discriminate in general, haha =)
brown, paranthas + butter are great, but I find the nimbu helps mix up the flavor enough to keep you going. I also think parantha tastes good if you fry an egg and roll it up inside.
@420..theres thalipeet or thalipatti in karnataka and maharashtra
Camille,
True on nimbu, the fried egg rolled up sounds a lot like the nizam kathi kabab roles from Delhi.
Sriram, I’m glad you haven’t discovered this then (and subsequent comments). 😉
What are nizam kathi kababs?
Ok, so I’ve decided to describe the “rolex” because I really like it when you make it with parantha instead of Swahili chapati. When I had it it as fried egg, red onion, tomato and avocado rolled up in a huge S. chapati and made to eat. I bet this would taste AWESOME in a parantha. Oh avocado, how I miss you…
utthapams are not dosas! That would be sorta like saying pancakes that are folded up and much thinner and filled with raspberry and cheese are called blintzes 🙂
brown..STOP!!! There is enough drool on my desk to fix the water problem in Delhi
Nizam used to be a small restaurant in Connaught Place in Delhi. They make Kathi rolls with or without eggs on very thin paranthas, similar to the ones at Kati Roll in New York. You could choose between a single or double egg and spicy chicken, beef or kabab or aloo, paneer.
ak, my parents don’t like the idea of dating to date, either (my mom equates dating with sex, and is very anti premarital sex. I’m sure my dad is the same, but we don’t really talk about dating/romantic relationships)… so we don’t talk about “casual” dating. I’m sorry that it feels crappy to discuss with your folks, though 🙁
Jeet,
My apologies, if you are in NY a trip to Kati roll may not be a bad idea.
as in amul?
yes, but esp. methi ke paranthe – with a bit of ghee.
That sounds sooo good. What would be better? Egg or kabab? Hmmmmm. I think egg.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kati_roll
You have to have a Kati roll next time you get a chance. It’s to die for, I make it at home but darn thing never tastes the same without the dust and the flies.
Cheese Dosas
The ones from bombay dont have paneer on them. They have indian cheese – much much different from paneer. Paneer is cottege cheese – a type of, anyways and is fresh cheese. The cheese dosas have processed cheese that tastes and looks completely different.
brown,
I love those. My first job was within walking distacne of Nizam’s at Connaught place( aka Rajiv Gandhi chowk!)
Ditto for the southies .. all this talk of homestyle cooking is making me miss my mom’s and mom inlaws cooking 🙁
To steer everyone back on track: lifelong at # 335 made this intersting and very well -put observation:
A very dear friend of mine ended his first ( aviyal ) marriage and is so burnt now that he will not consider anyone outside his region for a relationship.( He is a DBD in the US) .I think he is limiting himself but he feels that the aviyal component exacerbated the issues in his marriage .What do you think mutineers?
Camille,
If you haven’t tried it yet, please try the Kati Roll in New York, there is one on 46th between 6th and 7th and one on Macdougal street just off the West 4th street stop on E and just off the Christopher street station on the 1, although not as good as Nizam, their Kati Rolls are pretty good. I believe the mutiny has met there once.
Runa,
I always try and go back everytime I am in Delhi. Connaught place is so different than what it used to be.
Runaji, please, can you indulge my curiosity here? 🙂
That place is AMAZING.
Is that what they call it now? It will always be CP to me. Also, unlike a few years back when it was THE place in Delhi, now it’s so not fun. Everything seems to be have shifted to places like South Ex
Jeet, was that from the food discussion or were you also looking at ladies with the last name “.jpg” at the same time?
or without being bleary-eyed and tipsy at 3 am, waiting an hour on a line that spills out onto the street. it’s a must – i just got my fix after almost a year of being out of ny – total bliss. camille – i just tried the egg – pretty good, but achari paneer has always been my favourite (followed by the chicken kebab).
btw the 46th street one has moved to 39th street (i think the same crosstown block). i think SM had a meet-up there once (or was it ultrabrown?).
Ardy,
You are right about CP, although in the last year or two it is becoming better again, they have a new park there which is called Central Park and the main metro hub is there too. There are many new nice restaurants with all favorites being still around. Speaking of South Delhi, anyone here from Defence Colony and remembers Colonel Kababs. I promise this is the last from me on restaurants from Delhi, although I have a longer list of Bombay restaurants to discuss if anyone wants 🙂
Brown – You’re right, the new metro hub will make things a lot better. I blame it all on the demise of Nirulas but hopefully things are changing back. My fav in CP used to be off the main buildings – Kake Da Dhaba.
And yes, we cna surely talk about restaurants in Bombay too. I always rememebr the chaat at Gurukripa in Sion and Kolivada fish near there.
I despise kati rolls!
“Puli: most of the time i speak english. and i eat a lot of italian food and japaneese food in addition to thai, north indian, south indian, mexican, chineese, etc, etc ….somehow though, the grl from india will be from the “same culture”.”
Hey – I am DBD, I eat a lot of Italian, Japanese, indian, mexican, chinese – have even tried Russian – dont like it, french – you name it – I will atleast try it. I speak anglais.. I think what I am trying to say it that it depends on the girl not the culture, not race, not caste – really depends on the person.
sadly..no, I am at work
Kake Da dhaba was great and there used to be this whole block of small dhabas there. You remember Caventers and their milk shakes? Guru Kripa was awesome but I like this little vegetarian place in Sion called Hanuman, and my favorite gomantak restaurant was the highway gomantak, which is under the Bandra East bridge. OT, did you study in Delhi?
Quoting lifelong and Runa:
Well, dal can be a comfort food, but as Karthik mentioned upthread, not everyone may have a good experience with vanilla dal.
Whearas avial can never be vanilla avial.
My point is that a person may have been heading for indigestion due to external factors anyway, not just because they ate avial which was too spicy. They may have had indigestion even if they had eaten vanilla ice cream without gongura pickle. Eating dal/avial is no guarantee of a good post-meal experience, nor does it predispose you to indigestion by itself.