My baby cousin at UCLA still hasn’t forgiven me for joining Facebook. His objection is not that I’m too old for it or that I lessen its “cool factor†with my elderly presence—he just hates the program and apparently I was the last person he knew and cared about, who was not on it. That had more to do with pragmatic causes than most anything else; I was happy on Friendster and consummately preferred it to MyAss or the more “globalâ€/Brazilian Orkut. I didn’t have time to maintain profiles on a plethora of time-sucks. And most relevant of all, I couldn’t be bothered to get an “alumni†email addy from either of the schools I managed to graduate from…and once upon a time, you needed such official stuff to participate in the Facebook-orgy.
Not anymore. And so a few of you began inviting me to join it and I pointedly ignored such requests…until one of you was Facebook-stalking a guy you thought was sooo cute.
“What’s his friendster link?â€, I asked.
“He’s not ON friendster…he’s only on Facebook!â€
“Well, then I can’t see him.â€
“But you just HAVE to see this one picture…I have a feeling you know his friend.â€
“You know how I’ve never been a bridesmaid?â€
“Yeah what does that have to do with anything??â€
“I’m signing up for this bullshit right now, so A) you best marry his ass and B) I best be in some sort of poufy outfit, twitching out of boredom on an altar in a year or three.â€
“Omg, whatever you want, just SIGN UP and so I did. But I didn’t bother uploading a pic or filling out my profile, not for a while. Then, I was asked to write something about social networking and I needed more information about FB, specifically a sense of how intuitive it was to use. I noticed, upon logging in, that I had been “poked†approximately 40 times. I also noticed that several of my far-flung friends were considerably more active and in touch on FB than they were on Fster. This puzzled me until I realized that they were destroying all of their free time defenestrating each other via “SuperPokeâ€, proving their music IQ via some guessing game which was far superior to the one on my iPod and playing Scrabble online via the hyper-addictive “Scrabulousâ€.
Well, I saw her Facebook…and now I’m a believer. I will happily eat the words which initially expressed indifference towards this program. The recent app explosion transformed FB for me, from a site to ignore to one which I am now constantly logged in to…which brings me to this post.
Now that I am spending a ton of time on there, my inner, dilettante-sociologist is hyper-stimulated. There’s so much to discover, like…
- How annoying today’s youths in high school are (incoherent and illiterate comments on group walls)
- How thousands of others also speak shitty Malayalam (via the Ende Malayalam Sucks group)
- How several of you first discovered SM! (via the SM Group, natch)
- How people are utilizing Web 2.0 to create support groups for Inter-desi relationships (!!!)
Here, read all about it. I’ll post the group’s “description” for you:
Aviyal Couples Type: Common Interest – Dating & RelationshipsDescription: This group (also a support group) is for all the desi people that are in a relationship (dating, engaged or married) where your partner is Indian but is from a different state in India or is from a different religion or caste. This type of relationship can’t be called interracial, so it can be called an ‘Aviyal Relationship’
For example: An Indian from Mumbai is in a relationship with an Indian from Bihar or an Indian from Tamil Nadu is in a relationship with an Indian from Kerala e.t.c or an Indian who is Hindu is in a relationship with an Indian who is a Christian or an Indian who is a Jain is in a relationship with an Indian who is a Brahmin e.t.c
* Aviyal – a south indian vegetable curry that has a mix of different vegetables. [Facebook]
I didn’t even realize there was a term for this situation—one I have been in for almost half of my dating life. While I tried valiantly to date Malayalee boys, “just to make it easier†on all 349 people who were potentially involved with such an alliance, I went to a college that had no Malayalee male undergrads and didn’t attend our local (read: more than 100 miles away) Syriac Orthodox church. I was far more likely to encounter Punjabi Sikh guys at U.C. Davis/Fresno/Modesto/Yuba City and predictably, that is what I often dated.
I had been making Aviyal all the way through college and I had been oblivious to it!
Whether by circumstance, i.e. being one of a handful of South Indians at a school dominated by Northies or by choice, i.e. just plain falling for someone, this is a cocktail we will see more and more of, no matter what our respective parents think of such emotional collisions. One of you, who comments regularly, is a Tamil married to a Punjabi; sometimes, the comments which inform me of this detail also contain other bits of information, which illustrate how challenging such a union is. I’m assuming both parties involved are probably Hindu, which makes things nominally easier, but when you add interreligious components to the conflict…sometimes, that is exactly what you get: conflict.
When one of the only Malayalee girls I grew up with got married about a decade ago (she was a bit older than us…because I remember that even her younger brother was two years older than me), it caused quite a stir, since she, a Namboodiri, had fallen in love with a Mallu Christian she had met at school. This was the source of much discussion and concern, as our parents pondered whether this was a harbinger of their own future disappointment.
Years later, I felt compassion for her, once I realized what the “odds†were like…it’s difficult enough finding a match who is Malayalee, finding one who is Mallu and of the same faith narrows the pool considerably—especially when you take caste or in the case of Christianity, multiple denominations in to account. It may seem counterintuitive, since Kerala’s Christians comprise a disproportionate share of Malayalee Americans, but yes, it’s hard to find a suitable boy. My father never forgave the Catholic church for what they did in the 17th century, so the thought of me marrying one was inconceivable. MarThomites were out because they were anti-feminist-Mary-haters who shamelessly chose not to revere the dead. 😉
We were fiercely Orthodox and unlike many Malayalee couples, both of my parents were Orthodox; my mother didn’t “convert†to marry him. So for me, Orthodox it would have to be.
Do you have any idea how many single Orthodox Malayalee boys there are in America, who are over the age of 32?
Approximately two.
I have a Sikh friend who is a few years older than me, who is also single, because he’s rather Orthodox himself, and most Sikh girls he encounters want someone sans beard and turban. One of you posted a NYT Vows link recently, all because the groom was Muslim and the bride was Hindu and yes, I’ll admit my non-existent eyebrows rose heavenwards upon reading it, because that’s what I’m conditioned to do. We are marinating in aviyal, whether we know it or not (pass me the drumsticks, btw…and keep the arbi to your damned self).
I’ll probably end up in an “aviyalâ€-marriage of my own, so I confess that I’m partially motivated to explore this aspect of growing up in the diaspora, out of self-interest. But I also remember a certain thread where it was brought up quite a few times, so I know it’s on your mind, too, along with potheads on celluloid and Shah Rukh Khan-endorsed colorism. If you have your own thoughts to add about aviyal, sambar or rasam relationships, speak.
There are many mutinies within which we can participate; the struggles associated with dating “outside†of the precise group we were born in to, perhaps more than any other uprising, often involve the most upheaval and anguish, even if one’s intended is also a shade of Sepia.
Usually tandoori rotis and such like are harder than chapatis or phulkas so it is a little difficult (especially when you are a kid) to use just fingers of one hand to break them. The main reason to use just one hand (right hand) is because that is considered the clean hand, while the left hand is used for ablutions.
The style of using only fingers is also a cause of the north south divide. My north indian (and maharasthrian) friends would make fun of the way many mallus would eat in a ‘sadhya’ (feast) by mixing the rise and sambar using fingers as well as the palm of your hand as if you are kneading dough and making rice balls and then eating it.
Speaking of sadhya, Onam is round the corner.
Anna, I’m really offended you didn’t mention the Thendi Club.
injera is kinda like appam, fermented and all
There is vegetarian food in Sri Lanka, but yes, it’s less prevalent than the non-veg food. I have cousins from SL who are vegetarian and one set has moved to America while the other has remained in SL. My aunt in America often makes Sinhalese/Ceylonese dishes for us on Sunday mornings, and when I went to Sri Lanka, I had vegetarian Ceylonese food every night, too. All the food I’ve had has been very delicious and very coconut heavy. We’re all originally Kutchis from Bombay, so many times its a similar idea- okra lightly sauteed with mustard seeds and green chillis… with an infusion of shredded coconut. Also, I think since there is a ton of fresh vegetation there, inventive vegetarian cuisine is fairly easy to make. I think in addition to South-Indian influences, the food is influenced by the Dutch, English, and Portuguese. Hence, I’ve also had newer dishes (for my tastebuds) like caramelized onions with cinnamon and cayenne in a gravy… a dish I’ve never had before.
Nothing. As chachaji said, panakkam (or panagam as I call it) is a drink best described as flavored jaggery syrup. I mean something like a very mixed raita/pachidi, that you eat (as opposed to drink) with lots of chunky things in it. The consistency is something like that of cut raw mangoes tossed with neem flowers, chilli powder, salt, asafoetida, with jaggery syrup poured on top, so you get the six traditional tastes (puLippu (sour), kasappu (bitter), orappu (spicy), uppu/karippu (salty), tuvarpu (uncooked lentils) and thithippu (sweet)). Depending on the place, I have seen minor variations – sugarcane instead of jaggery, tamarind instead of mangoes, green chillies instead of red chilli powder, with added ginger, etc.
I know for certain that it is made on April 14, to symbolize that the new year will always have mixed news, and that you should swallow it like you swallow the pachidi.
Hang on…am calling my parents in India to find out what it’s called.
Mom tells me it is Nimbakusuma Bhakshanam (Sanskrit for “neem flower dish”). Now, judging by the Sanskrit in that name, this could well be a TamBrahm name for the dish, and there may very well be other names for it. I Googled for the ingredients in some combinations, and I also found it may just be called Maanga Pachidi, though that doesn’t convey the mixed taste idea fully.
And if you have been to an Ethiopian restaurant, injera (bread) is eaten just like roti, and much of it is finger food.
Injera sucks.
ethiopian food tastes like bad dosas.
pingpong @ 255 – thanks for the lesson! sometimes desi parents in the states (and elsewhere) forget that you have to pro-actively teach your kids about the culture, that it won’t happen by the sort of osmosis with which it does back home. and thanks runa for the name – what you win is my appreciation, though i don’t think that’s what you were looking for 😉
when i went to college, my dad was convinced that i would end up with a gujju guy because of the predominance of gujaratis (‘if you marry a patel, no need to change your initials!’). sadly for him, i have not ended up with anybody so far, gujju or otherwise…
the best line ive heard from my dad on the subject of me marrying a non iyengar (now bear in mind, iyers dont even qualify) is “what if she doesn change her name? what will people think? what will people SAY?!”
he he. puli, do you have a sister?
i told my dad that i didn’t intend on changing my name – first he was a bit shocked, but then i think he kind of liked the idea that i would keep his name.
yday i was looking over an indian contract and to identify every person, the men were all labeled as ‘son of’ while the (married) women were all labeled as ‘wife of.’ totally irritating….
nah. my dad has 2 sons. a model indian household.
My gf is halfblack/halfwhite and she has grown to LOVE indian food. I still giggle when I see her trying to break into a ravamysoremasaladosa(her fav). I feel so proud!
I HATE injera. Reminds me of ace bandages, which I’m especially not fond of, right now.
i love the use of that as a single word.
indian contract?
indian legal contracts identify people as either son of X, or wife of Y.
injera was too spongy but I had it w/ african beer so that cut the taste down
BTW. I have been going to madras mahal in NYC since the 1980’s. last time i was there, they wouldnt serve us desert, and basically threw us out to accomidate some reservation they had. Dont go to madras mahal. they are mean.
has anyone ever eaten with their hands in front of a non desi crowd or a long term GF or BF?
I have done that with not that long term GF and close friends. I dont think I have ever done that in a crowd.
I don thave any shame about eating with my hands in front of anyone. have done it at work, etc.
oh legal contracts. thought ak moonlighted as a hitwoman.
Well I personally suck at eating rice with my hands, so I never do that. With other Indian food, it just does not taste the same to eat roti as a roll while using the spoon/fork for veggies. Hands are the way to go!
Did you grow up in the states?
And kudos to Anna for learning that, I tried, especially when I was staying in a hostel in India and the mess people did not provide spoons. I manage ok now but am still more comfortable eating with a fork/spoon when it comes to rice.
yes. I am an abd.
Jeet, can she pass as desi? Seems like some black/white mixes can go that way (Rick Fox).
Props to you man, I eat w/hand at home, but rarely anyplace else. The funny thing is, whenever I go to other South Indian houses they always ask me, “do you want spoon?” cuz they think I’m Proud to be American, where at least I know I’m Free
nop, the stares we get at indian restaurants (every single one in NYC) are priceless
Whats the word for a white/black mix? Is the “grey” or something?
the = she
The Ethiopian folks you come across in DC must be so offended that one of their own doesn’t like injera. 😉
pingpong @255
What, you called your parents in India to answer a question on SM? When Runa auntie could have got into as much detail as you liked, right here? This has to be an SM first! Anna?
Am I the only one around here who actually likes injera?
I like the Ethiopian system of dining really – one common (large) plate with lots of sauces and thick gravies, lots of injera to go around, no touching fingers onto the sauces. At the end, just use the injera to soak up the sauces and eat those! Seriously, try it with Indian food at home (curries and rotis), and see how much easier your cleanup job gets.
i refuse to use a common plate with anyone else. i just think its ikky.
chachaji, Runa was driving at panagam, which is NOT what I had in mind. Panagam is something you drink, and it emphatically does not have any chunks in it! Also, panagam is not specific to April 14. What I had in mind is apparently called NimbaKusumaBhakshanam, and you eat a little of it symbolically.
Ehiopian women very very pretty!! And unlike the stereotype pretty desi girl, they don’t exactly have straight long black hair. Interestingly an African friend of mine was telling me that among the Africans, Ethiopian women are known to have ego issues because of their lighter skin compared to other Africans and ‘delicate’ features and thus consider themselves better than the other Africans. Sample space here too small, my friend might just have had a bad experience though.
I know a few muslim friends in India who have the same system
Ardy@286
Generally East African peoples have “sharper” features and lighter skin tones than West African peoples. An Ethiopian friend of mine pointed out that when US companies want to be seen as diverse (like in a recruiting poster), they put in a token African-American, who will almost always be East African. Apparently this is more comforting to Europeans because of the more familiar features and skin tone. I didn’t believe him at first, but after I carefully watched for this, I found it was a recurring theme, especially in cosmetics ads and recruiting posters.
The ego thing may just be a personal experience for your friend. I haven’t detected any difference one way or the other.
jeez. does everyone like sharp features and light skin?
u mentioned that “Ethiopian girls area very pretty”. I think by definition, pretty grls are more likely to have egos. Always having guys fawn over you, doing things for you and telling you how pretty you are is bound to build an ego over time. For example, one of my family friends, at 4 years old told me that that “I can always get boys to do my work for me, cause im pretty”. scary.
Sorry Pingpong, thanks for clarifying. So Runa actually misunderstood the original question? Shocking!! 🙂 I know paanakam (or just ‘paanak’ for non-Tamilians) is a drink, in fact, ‘paanak’ means ‘drink’ in Sanskrit! For those who might be wondering, ‘paanak’ is like spiced cider, to a first approximation, only much better of course. And just btw, anything with ‘bhakshanam’ in its name is usually eaten, since that word connotes ‘eating’ (in Sanskrit).
Respect at last ! Yay ( I think!)
pingpong, my mom makes panakkam but I have never had NimbaKusumaBhakshanam – a gap in my Tam Bram education
are you the right age group for me to call you auntie? (im 28).
why does abhishek bachan look like a bum in his wedding pic?
At least chachaji didn’t call you “Runa maami”.
Pingpong 283
I also like injera, to me it tastes like kulcha, not the stuffed kind but the sour one.
I wondered the same thing. He looks so sloppy. Hand that boy a Mach16, or whatever Gillette is up to these days.
Note for Chachaji: I think there have been perhaps two other occasions when parents were roused in India, for the answer to something…it’s happened far more often domestically, which is to be expected. My poor mother gets harassed weekly about something I’ve read on here. 😉
Wait, what does “bhojanam” mean in Sanskrit?
i think i need to keep my dad away from this blog in case he figures out my handle, and sees all the warped out stuff i say…
And vat did your MOTHER have?
(couldn’t resist)