My baby cousin at UCLA still hasn’t forgiven me for joining Facebook. His objection is not that I’m too old for it or that I lessen its “cool factor†with my elderly presence—he just hates the program and apparently I was the last person he knew and cared about, who was not on it. That had more to do with pragmatic causes than most anything else; I was happy on Friendster and consummately preferred it to MyAss or the more “globalâ€/Brazilian Orkut. I didn’t have time to maintain profiles on a plethora of time-sucks. And most relevant of all, I couldn’t be bothered to get an “alumni†email addy from either of the schools I managed to graduate from…and once upon a time, you needed such official stuff to participate in the Facebook-orgy.
Not anymore. And so a few of you began inviting me to join it and I pointedly ignored such requests…until one of you was Facebook-stalking a guy you thought was sooo cute.
“What’s his friendster link?â€, I asked.
“He’s not ON friendster…he’s only on Facebook!â€
“Well, then I can’t see him.â€
“But you just HAVE to see this one picture…I have a feeling you know his friend.â€
“You know how I’ve never been a bridesmaid?â€
“Yeah what does that have to do with anything??â€
“I’m signing up for this bullshit right now, so A) you best marry his ass and B) I best be in some sort of poufy outfit, twitching out of boredom on an altar in a year or three.â€
“Omg, whatever you want, just SIGN UP and so I did. But I didn’t bother uploading a pic or filling out my profile, not for a while. Then, I was asked to write something about social networking and I needed more information about FB, specifically a sense of how intuitive it was to use. I noticed, upon logging in, that I had been “poked†approximately 40 times. I also noticed that several of my far-flung friends were considerably more active and in touch on FB than they were on Fster. This puzzled me until I realized that they were destroying all of their free time defenestrating each other via “SuperPokeâ€, proving their music IQ via some guessing game which was far superior to the one on my iPod and playing Scrabble online via the hyper-addictive “Scrabulousâ€.
Well, I saw her Facebook…and now I’m a believer. I will happily eat the words which initially expressed indifference towards this program. The recent app explosion transformed FB for me, from a site to ignore to one which I am now constantly logged in to…which brings me to this post.
Now that I am spending a ton of time on there, my inner, dilettante-sociologist is hyper-stimulated. There’s so much to discover, like…
- How annoying today’s youths in high school are (incoherent and illiterate comments on group walls)
- How thousands of others also speak shitty Malayalam (via the Ende Malayalam Sucks group)
- How several of you first discovered SM! (via the SM Group, natch)
- How people are utilizing Web 2.0 to create support groups for Inter-desi relationships (!!!)
Here, read all about it. I’ll post the group’s “description” for you:
Aviyal Couples Type: Common Interest – Dating & RelationshipsDescription: This group (also a support group) is for all the desi people that are in a relationship (dating, engaged or married) where your partner is Indian but is from a different state in India or is from a different religion or caste. This type of relationship can’t be called interracial, so it can be called an ‘Aviyal Relationship’
For example: An Indian from Mumbai is in a relationship with an Indian from Bihar or an Indian from Tamil Nadu is in a relationship with an Indian from Kerala e.t.c or an Indian who is Hindu is in a relationship with an Indian who is a Christian or an Indian who is a Jain is in a relationship with an Indian who is a Brahmin e.t.c
* Aviyal – a south indian vegetable curry that has a mix of different vegetables. [Facebook]
I didn’t even realize there was a term for this situation—one I have been in for almost half of my dating life. While I tried valiantly to date Malayalee boys, “just to make it easier†on all 349 people who were potentially involved with such an alliance, I went to a college that had no Malayalee male undergrads and didn’t attend our local (read: more than 100 miles away) Syriac Orthodox church. I was far more likely to encounter Punjabi Sikh guys at U.C. Davis/Fresno/Modesto/Yuba City and predictably, that is what I often dated.
I had been making Aviyal all the way through college and I had been oblivious to it!
Whether by circumstance, i.e. being one of a handful of South Indians at a school dominated by Northies or by choice, i.e. just plain falling for someone, this is a cocktail we will see more and more of, no matter what our respective parents think of such emotional collisions. One of you, who comments regularly, is a Tamil married to a Punjabi; sometimes, the comments which inform me of this detail also contain other bits of information, which illustrate how challenging such a union is. I’m assuming both parties involved are probably Hindu, which makes things nominally easier, but when you add interreligious components to the conflict…sometimes, that is exactly what you get: conflict.
When one of the only Malayalee girls I grew up with got married about a decade ago (she was a bit older than us…because I remember that even her younger brother was two years older than me), it caused quite a stir, since she, a Namboodiri, had fallen in love with a Mallu Christian she had met at school. This was the source of much discussion and concern, as our parents pondered whether this was a harbinger of their own future disappointment.
Years later, I felt compassion for her, once I realized what the “odds†were like…it’s difficult enough finding a match who is Malayalee, finding one who is Mallu and of the same faith narrows the pool considerably—especially when you take caste or in the case of Christianity, multiple denominations in to account. It may seem counterintuitive, since Kerala’s Christians comprise a disproportionate share of Malayalee Americans, but yes, it’s hard to find a suitable boy. My father never forgave the Catholic church for what they did in the 17th century, so the thought of me marrying one was inconceivable. MarThomites were out because they were anti-feminist-Mary-haters who shamelessly chose not to revere the dead. 😉
We were fiercely Orthodox and unlike many Malayalee couples, both of my parents were Orthodox; my mother didn’t “convert†to marry him. So for me, Orthodox it would have to be.
Do you have any idea how many single Orthodox Malayalee boys there are in America, who are over the age of 32?
Approximately two.
I have a Sikh friend who is a few years older than me, who is also single, because he’s rather Orthodox himself, and most Sikh girls he encounters want someone sans beard and turban. One of you posted a NYT Vows link recently, all because the groom was Muslim and the bride was Hindu and yes, I’ll admit my non-existent eyebrows rose heavenwards upon reading it, because that’s what I’m conditioned to do. We are marinating in aviyal, whether we know it or not (pass me the drumsticks, btw…and keep the arbi to your damned self).
I’ll probably end up in an “aviyalâ€-marriage of my own, so I confess that I’m partially motivated to explore this aspect of growing up in the diaspora, out of self-interest. But I also remember a certain thread where it was brought up quite a few times, so I know it’s on your mind, too, along with potheads on celluloid and Shah Rukh Khan-endorsed colorism. If you have your own thoughts to add about aviyal, sambar or rasam relationships, speak.
There are many mutinies within which we can participate; the struggles associated with dating “outside†of the precise group we were born in to, perhaps more than any other uprising, often involve the most upheaval and anguish, even if one’s intended is also a shade of Sepia.
When I first arrived in the US, I tried the two-handed bread break maneuver. I ended up spraying the person seated across from me with a shower of fine bread crumbs. Since then I have stuck to my right-hand-only bread-on-the-plate approach.
FD, one of my closest friends is a Sikh who lives and works in Minneapolis area. I can check with him if you or your friends are seriously looking.
My dad was the exact same way. I’m not Mallu though. I don’t think I ever learned how to eat with my hands…
Word, Amit. Word. Give me a shout. 🙂 Is he cute? Does he wear a turban? Does he tie it nicely? 🙂
now thats just stupid
That is so true for me. I’m attracted to women who know how to cook fresh food and are vegetarians. I enjoy cooking, and cooking together is even more fun, so I can’t really see myself with someone who likes a steak every other day, or is great friends with a microwave and frozen food.
Interesting counterpoint. I think I was 9 or 10 when I went to a restaurant in Madras that served dosai with a knife and fork. It confused the hell out of me; my father had to teach me impromptu how to use it but I didn’t get the moves very well. I remember I ate it by hand; I think my parents may have been a touch more embarrassed than they showed.
I didn’t really use a knife & fork regularly until I came to the US. But after I saw that each person was using the cutlery in a different way (different hands, interchanges, grips), I relaxed.
I still prefer a spoon for rice to a fork – the prongs are very problematic to handle the last bits of rice on the plate. The trouble is most restaurants will have a fork and knife on the table but no spoon. I usually solve the problem by asking for a small side of salad, which comes with a spoon of its own that I retain and use for the rice.
Ha ha. This reminds me of my college days. We were at a student council dinner. Semi-Formal. Everyone at my table was white. One of the “entrees” was fried chicken. Everyone at the table had a piece of it but me. I was eating london broil or something. THe atmosphere, for some reason, was kind of stuffy during that dinner, maybe because of the dress code that we were not used to in college. I can’t remember why it was so formal. It was a freaking student council dinner in a ballroom. But it felt like that. After a few minutes of people trying to eat the fried chicken with their forks and knives at my table, one girl gave up and said “hey guys, I hope it’s OK if i just eat with my damn hands.”. Everyone laughed and just dropped their forks.
I had experiences at Indian dinners where we would eat chicken curry with forks and knives, but some Indian families like to really make tiny bony pieces instead of the big ones I prefer. At that point, it becomes a chore to eat each piece with a fork. SO i see people usualy give up midway and eat with their hands.
While I am Southie(funny, in India I am a southie, in the US, I am a northie), I prefer to eat Naans with two hands. For some reason, it bothers me when people use a pinching motion to eat the chapati and scoop up food. It seems to make the hand more messy than necessary.
i just returned from a month-long trip to amma and appa’s house, and this post is making me very, very sad. and HUNGRY. get me some therattu paal and manga thokku stat. with a side of rava dosai, pls.
That’s a combination I haven’t tried myself. Let me know how it works out.
Oops. I left something out. He does all that, but he is also married to a nice Sikhni. 🙂 What I meant was that he would definitely know other eligible Sikh men – the kind who wear a turban. I’ll check with him and let you know.
Saaaaaaaala. Ok still. Give a shout. 🙂
😀 FD, will do.
At least she did not put “boyfriend” in quotes or even more interesting- “boy”-friend.
Anna, we need to sue you for decreasing the productivity of Indians in the US. ANother entry that is destined to hit the 1000 mark. Please, space out the hot button topics.
Note to Aviyalphiles from Random Useless Trivia Dept. The first Indian Antarctic expedition (’81) had vats of Aviyal on board. The Aussie cook seemed rather proud of his creation.
I do not get the point of the picture. Is that Bacchan Jr and Aishwarya Rai? How are they a mixed culture couple? Aren’t they both pretty much immersed in Hindi culture?
To summarize the situation: “A friend of a poster on SM will definitely know eligible Sikh men who may be interested in another poster on SM.”
Fuerza Dulce, if it works out for you with this hookup, we are holding an SM meetup at your wedding.
For the record, I’d also like to state that I do know a guy named Venkat.
References please? And where does the Aussie cook fit in?
I was talking of Indian breads – but just on that – South Indians call the same style of bread ‘chapati’ that North Indians call ‘paraTha’, and UPites in particular call the chapati the ‘phulka’.
And as far as eating with the fingers – there is still a style and an etiquette to it – my father tried to instill the perfection of ‘using the tips of the fingers only’ – and hoped we’d learn just by watching, but of course it was perfection only, except he could do it.
BTW, I can’t see how to break leavened (and risen) breads which have crusts – with just one hand!
Unfortunately you will have to take my word for it. The expedition was big on Doordarshan. I guess the Aussie (or was it NZie?) was an old Antarctica hand. I remember him crowing about his Aviyaaaal.
You’re kidding right? Aish’s fmaily is from Mangalore( Karnataka) ,Abhishek’s from Lucknow ( Uttar Pradesh).In other words, she is Southie ,he is Northie.Yes, they have Bollywood in common
I had no idea Aish was a Southie. THe northies can have her. :=). I see her movie The Last Legion tanked big time.
I am a long time SM reader, but delurked today because there were TWO posts that were close to my heart!!
My boyfriend is Tamilian from Madras and I am from Delhi, so I am much fairer than he is. All my previous boyfriends have been white, so it is unusual for me when I look at his darker skin tone against mine when we are in bed together. It gets me so worked up when I am on top of him and I can see myself sitting on his long dark legs, especially as the light filters through the blinds of my bedroom right at dawn. Thank god, he didn’t end up light complexioned like his mom would have liked. And he makes lovely thayir saadham 🙂
pingpong, it’s only because of your (and puli’s) sense of humor that I stick around SM. 😉
Pravin @ 130. To answer your question – When I invite the white / ABD folks to my abode, I use my fingers to eat and encourage them to eat with their fingers. When eating out I always use cutlery. In their homes I follow their lead. I prefer cutlery for some foods and fingers for other types of food. Given that I am adept at using my fingers and cutlery, the use of cutlery or lack of it does not bother me. I have noticed that I tend to gobble when eating with my fingers. However still cant use chopsticks 🙁 🙁
Abhishek’s paternal Grandpa is from Lucknow while her paternal grandma is punjab, and his mom is from bengal. So how is it righ to call him from Lucknow ?
Oops, I meant: ‘his’ paternal grandma is punjab and not ‘her’ paternal grandma is punjab
Really??!!?
I’m a Guju and we always break rotli (our chapati) one-handed. And naan can be broken one-handed as well, granted it is rolled and cooked and buttered to perfection…:D I’ve never seen Indians breaking bread with two-hands unless it’s little kids who have yet mastered the art of doing it one-handed. I will have to observe this more closely next time I’m at a wedding or restauarant.
All this talk of food is making me veddy hungry!
When someone mentions gonkura pickle, I have to give my .02.
I am Andhra and gonkura pickle is one of our signature foods. It is excellent in dals, pickles, curries. Does anyone else other than the Andra community eat it? It is certainly an aquired taste.
When my aunt was growing it in her backyard, her landscaper questioned her and asked her if she realized what she had on her property. The leaves look like marijuana leaves (it is related to Cannabis – not sure about the spelling.) It DOES not have any hallucinogenic properties and can not get someone wasted or high even if they smoked it. At least that is what I am told!
not meaning to perpetuate the patriarchy ..but long ago I knew someone who knew AB well and evidently the Lakhnavi culture via Harvanshrai Bahcchan permeated their household…
Nope!
My mom does this sometimes in restaurants and it drives me nuts! It’s funny to watch her eat with her fork/spoon while my non-Indian wife eats with her hand!
what happens when you are the product of an aviyal relationship and have an aviyal relationship yourself?
talking of gongura, the best Andhra gongura dish IMHO is “Gongura Mamsam” which literally means Gongura Meat (usually made with Goat/Lamb and Gongura).
Ughh, this post is making me hungry, esp. all this talk about pickles. Just plain gongura pickle + rice = heaven.
Gongura pickle + rice + a bit of butter or sesame oil also equals heaven!
Melbourne desi, this is your cue to ask Khichdi Lover if her nipples are pink.
Meanwhile, where have all the thayir-saadam eating, krishna-complexioned I(yer) bankers gone? Where’s my appa at?
Thank God, Lemurian-Scythian intra-exoticization hasn’t been banned by the PC police yet.
I know for a fact, that I will not find a boy as specified by my grandmother in our specific Telegu community. But, I am hoping a LOT for a boy who is south Indian, because they are just hot like that. I do have a lot of time to find a guy,so Im just going to chill for a while before i think about marriage. But in high school there a lot of Indian boys, and most Indian girls do go out with only Indian guys.
Marie biscuits with ketchup? Can’t say I’ve had that, but I have had Marie biscuits with coriander pickle, and I often use Ritz crackers as a mini base on which I pile a spoonful of rava upma. Always drives other Desis nuts around here.
And what was it on the other thread about dosas and ketchup causing so much controversy? Dosa puritans of course eat it with chilli powder and oil, not sambar or chutney both of which blot out the lentilly aftertaste. Given that sambar and chutney seem so popular, I don’t see why ketchup should cause consternation. My roommate for instance (a fellow Lemurian) eats dosas with mayo.
Faints
In the moonlight, as the courtesans averted their eyes and the musicians played their frantic ragas, the moonlight illuminated his Lemurian chocolate and her Scythian peanutbutter becoming One
Damn…pretty much all desi men can expect an angioplasty by 55. This guy (no girl is that gross) seems to be on the accelerated track
Correct me if I am wrong, but I thought Paratha was thicker, in between Chapati and Naan. And Phulka was much like chapatti, except much softer and easier to tear. No?
BadIndianGirl
Really??!!?
I’m a Guju and we always break rotli (our chapati) one-handed. And naan can be broken one-handed as well, granted it is rolled and cooked and buttered to perfection…:D
I’ve never seen Indians breaking bread with two-hands unless it’s little kids who have yet mastered the art of doing it one-handed. I will have to observe this more closely next time I’m at a wedding or restauarant.
Haha… I used to break those rotlis with 2 hands (and 10 fingers) until I was about 13 or so. My mom used to sit with a “velan” in her hand and hit me on the right hand (i am a lefty) till I finally learned to break it with one hand. And you have no idea how much mental torture I went through for eating with my left hand ! I am still a left handed.
Louicypher,
I’d like to think all the soy protein and vegetables I consume (instead of lovely, lovely thayyirsaadam, iddiappam, sodhi and my aunt’s special SOUTHIFIED paneer curry) will allow me to avoid that fate.
But my special Lemurian genes will no doubt start the plaque-n-blockage process anyways.
Lemurian heritage–a curse(of bodyhair) and a blessing (of bodyhair).
Has anyone engaged in super-aviyal relationships? I’m thinking Lanka-Nepali…Assamese–Marathi…(I do know know a Manipuri–TN combination)
😀 You have been co-opted, my darling MM.
One of my very good friends is Sindhi and she is married to a Sri Lankan. I think that qualifies as a super-aviyal relationship. Interesting that you used geographical distance to define SUPER… But if you think about the dichotomy of food and culture and how it changes as you travel north-to-south or vice versa, it really makes sense that the differences become larger and larger. The roti-to-rice preference may be one of the more obvous ones.
Did Anna really faint or did she just feint?
He is indeed a guy, and unfortunately doesn’t read SM. But desis need to guard against diabetes much more than they need to worry about heart disease and cholesterol.
My Telugu friend once told me a story about police visiting his home vegetable garden because it was growing Gongura… which is related to the other Hemp plant (Marijuana). An official investigation resulted. It was only in the mid-Eighties the US Customs officially recognized edible-hemp and stopped hassling the Gongura importers.
Correct, I guess I should have said that many, though not all South Indians call the same kind of bread ‘chapathi’ that would be ‘paratha’ in the North – a layered bread that is roasted in oil, not fried (and in the Punjabi version, with spicy fillings – cauliflower, potatoes, radish, even sugar). One way to tell this is to get a ‘North Indian thali’ in a South Indian restaurant – when what is recognizable as the paratha shows up, it will be labeled ‘chapathi’. 🙂 The phulka is just fluffier – again roasted but without oil, and in a way that ensures its fluffiness; but often coated with butter before being eaten. Then of course there’s poori…
Nooooo! I mean, what? Have i been co-opted into northie cuisine? My aunt MADE her own paneer–it had the turmeric-stained hands of Mother Lemuria on it the whole time–from milk to magic little tasteless blobs of ricotta-doppelganger cheez!!!
Nah.. far more of us than you realize.
Thayir saadham and samosa – mild in comparison, cos samosa is inherently spicy vegetable curry fried in a wrap.
How about thayir sadham, avakkai and rava kesari? Can you beat that?
The first year after I moved to Jersey, I used to drive the 30 miles to Bridgewater every weekend so I could have the rava kesari. Then I started feeling guilty about going to a temple just for the food, so the frequency has since become twice a month. And I dont go down to the temple cafe anymore, either!
I should think so. I studied in a school run by the Punjab Association in Chennai and the punjabi kids used to literally grab my lunch everyday, while thrusting their rotis and achchar at me. I had no complaints.
Wow… now that’s trivia, useless, of course, but trivia nevertheless.