My baby cousin at UCLA still hasn’t forgiven me for joining Facebook. His objection is not that I’m too old for it or that I lessen its “cool factor†with my elderly presence—he just hates the program and apparently I was the last person he knew and cared about, who was not on it. That had more to do with pragmatic causes than most anything else; I was happy on Friendster and consummately preferred it to MyAss or the more “globalâ€/Brazilian Orkut. I didn’t have time to maintain profiles on a plethora of time-sucks. And most relevant of all, I couldn’t be bothered to get an “alumni†email addy from either of the schools I managed to graduate from…and once upon a time, you needed such official stuff to participate in the Facebook-orgy.
Not anymore. And so a few of you began inviting me to join it and I pointedly ignored such requests…until one of you was Facebook-stalking a guy you thought was sooo cute.
“What’s his friendster link?â€, I asked.
“He’s not ON friendster…he’s only on Facebook!â€
“Well, then I can’t see him.â€
“But you just HAVE to see this one picture…I have a feeling you know his friend.â€
“You know how I’ve never been a bridesmaid?â€
“Yeah what does that have to do with anything??â€
“I’m signing up for this bullshit right now, so A) you best marry his ass and B) I best be in some sort of poufy outfit, twitching out of boredom on an altar in a year or three.â€
“Omg, whatever you want, just SIGN UP and so I did. But I didn’t bother uploading a pic or filling out my profile, not for a while. Then, I was asked to write something about social networking and I needed more information about FB, specifically a sense of how intuitive it was to use. I noticed, upon logging in, that I had been “poked†approximately 40 times. I also noticed that several of my far-flung friends were considerably more active and in touch on FB than they were on Fster. This puzzled me until I realized that they were destroying all of their free time defenestrating each other via “SuperPokeâ€, proving their music IQ via some guessing game which was far superior to the one on my iPod and playing Scrabble online via the hyper-addictive “Scrabulousâ€.
Well, I saw her Facebook…and now I’m a believer. I will happily eat the words which initially expressed indifference towards this program. The recent app explosion transformed FB for me, from a site to ignore to one which I am now constantly logged in to…which brings me to this post.
Now that I am spending a ton of time on there, my inner, dilettante-sociologist is hyper-stimulated. There’s so much to discover, like…
- How annoying today’s youths in high school are (incoherent and illiterate comments on group walls)
- How thousands of others also speak shitty Malayalam (via the Ende Malayalam Sucks group)
- How several of you first discovered SM! (via the SM Group, natch)
- How people are utilizing Web 2.0 to create support groups for Inter-desi relationships (!!!)
Here, read all about it. I’ll post the group’s “description” for you:
Aviyal Couples Type: Common Interest – Dating & RelationshipsDescription: This group (also a support group) is for all the desi people that are in a relationship (dating, engaged or married) where your partner is Indian but is from a different state in India or is from a different religion or caste. This type of relationship can’t be called interracial, so it can be called an ‘Aviyal Relationship’
For example: An Indian from Mumbai is in a relationship with an Indian from Bihar or an Indian from Tamil Nadu is in a relationship with an Indian from Kerala e.t.c or an Indian who is Hindu is in a relationship with an Indian who is a Christian or an Indian who is a Jain is in a relationship with an Indian who is a Brahmin e.t.c
* Aviyal – a south indian vegetable curry that has a mix of different vegetables. [Facebook]
I didn’t even realize there was a term for this situation—one I have been in for almost half of my dating life. While I tried valiantly to date Malayalee boys, “just to make it easier†on all 349 people who were potentially involved with such an alliance, I went to a college that had no Malayalee male undergrads and didn’t attend our local (read: more than 100 miles away) Syriac Orthodox church. I was far more likely to encounter Punjabi Sikh guys at U.C. Davis/Fresno/Modesto/Yuba City and predictably, that is what I often dated.
I had been making Aviyal all the way through college and I had been oblivious to it!
Whether by circumstance, i.e. being one of a handful of South Indians at a school dominated by Northies or by choice, i.e. just plain falling for someone, this is a cocktail we will see more and more of, no matter what our respective parents think of such emotional collisions. One of you, who comments regularly, is a Tamil married to a Punjabi; sometimes, the comments which inform me of this detail also contain other bits of information, which illustrate how challenging such a union is. I’m assuming both parties involved are probably Hindu, which makes things nominally easier, but when you add interreligious components to the conflict…sometimes, that is exactly what you get: conflict.
When one of the only Malayalee girls I grew up with got married about a decade ago (she was a bit older than us…because I remember that even her younger brother was two years older than me), it caused quite a stir, since she, a Namboodiri, had fallen in love with a Mallu Christian she had met at school. This was the source of much discussion and concern, as our parents pondered whether this was a harbinger of their own future disappointment.
Years later, I felt compassion for her, once I realized what the “odds†were like…it’s difficult enough finding a match who is Malayalee, finding one who is Mallu and of the same faith narrows the pool considerably—especially when you take caste or in the case of Christianity, multiple denominations in to account. It may seem counterintuitive, since Kerala’s Christians comprise a disproportionate share of Malayalee Americans, but yes, it’s hard to find a suitable boy. My father never forgave the Catholic church for what they did in the 17th century, so the thought of me marrying one was inconceivable. MarThomites were out because they were anti-feminist-Mary-haters who shamelessly chose not to revere the dead. 😉
We were fiercely Orthodox and unlike many Malayalee couples, both of my parents were Orthodox; my mother didn’t “convert†to marry him. So for me, Orthodox it would have to be.
Do you have any idea how many single Orthodox Malayalee boys there are in America, who are over the age of 32?
Approximately two.
I have a Sikh friend who is a few years older than me, who is also single, because he’s rather Orthodox himself, and most Sikh girls he encounters want someone sans beard and turban. One of you posted a NYT Vows link recently, all because the groom was Muslim and the bride was Hindu and yes, I’ll admit my non-existent eyebrows rose heavenwards upon reading it, because that’s what I’m conditioned to do. We are marinating in aviyal, whether we know it or not (pass me the drumsticks, btw…and keep the arbi to your damned self).
I’ll probably end up in an “aviyalâ€-marriage of my own, so I confess that I’m partially motivated to explore this aspect of growing up in the diaspora, out of self-interest. But I also remember a certain thread where it was brought up quite a few times, so I know it’s on your mind, too, along with potheads on celluloid and Shah Rukh Khan-endorsed colorism. If you have your own thoughts to add about aviyal, sambar or rasam relationships, speak.
There are many mutinies within which we can participate; the struggles associated with dating “outside†of the precise group we were born in to, perhaps more than any other uprising, often involve the most upheaval and anguish, even if one’s intended is also a shade of Sepia.
please explain what therattu paal is (sometimes i only know the telugu, not tamil, words in cooking) – is it like khoya, what they use to make sweets like paal gova?
Nice! That was one of my mom’s favorite songs (the Monkees original, not the Shrek remake).
Speaking of my mom, there was a time when she really wanted me to get married to a Telugu girl (presumably of the same caste, who knows). As I got older, she pretty much said she’d be happy with a girl of Indian origin. As I’ve gotten still older, I think they pretty much just want me to get married to anyone (still a girl, though — I guess that is one thing that won’t go off their wish list).
No, I don’t mean the final product. I mean the intermediate steps like curdling the milk and stuff. Also I just realized that the term “Therattu paal” can mean sweetened evaporated milk (like paalgova) or the stuff you make by adding yogurt & lemon juice to sweetened milk. I meant the second one, not the first. Here’s a recipe: link.
ak,
Paal gova = Therattu paal (unless someone jumps me and beats me up for this definition!)
The only Ruchi I eat/crave is the tomato. Otherwise, it’s all Grandma’s brand kadukkumanga, tender mango and vadu mango, all the time; like you, I hoard the kadukkumanga, because they get it the least often. 🙂
Occasionally, I break for this bizarre carrot/chili concoction which is from Andhra, I think.
I have been craving “new” paavaka and aadamanga pickle for DAYS now. Sigh. Can’t buy either of those, must beg Moms for a care package. 🙂
In my fridge/pantry now:
-extra-hot Lime* -extra-hot Lemon* -white paavaka -white kadukkumanga -kadukkumanga -paavaka/karela* -green chili -extra-hot cranberry* -irimbanpulli -nellikai -some random nutmeg thing -ambazhanga
Mmmm, pickle.
*made by Moms, vith lowe 🙂
Lakshmi @ 74 – me too, but the other way around (Kerala Christian married to TN Hindu). My plain vanilla candidates were about as funny as Karthik’s @70. I’d relate some stories, but what if they’re SM readers!!
Gotta say the TN-sambar + Kerala-beef-fry combination in our house rocks.
runa, it is isn’t it? when i tried out low-carb (so not for me, i didn’t last three weeks) i substituted yoghurt and tadka (i.e. sans sadam) and then had it with a poriyal, urugai, or something like enna kathirikkai – it was actually not a bad replacement.
Only for some values of Therattu paal. There exist other values of therattu paal that can be approximated by heating ricotta cheese with sugar, and cardamom for a long time at low temperature until it is slightly caramelized. It’s both sweet and sour at the end, like pineapple sambar or pineapple morkozhambu.
Yikes. I have no idea what you guys are talking about. The food sure sounds yummy. Take out is my friend:(
Guess you could call mine a Gumbo Marriage given that I’m Okra and married to Corn Starch and we live in New Orleans (where okra and corn starch are essential ingredients in a good gumbo).
Since I’m starving right now, allow me to proclaim my undying love for Aviyal and my mom’s friend, the lovely Marathi lady who made the world’s best version of it (and is also now no longer with us).
i think it a telugu thing. my mom makes it really well and it is to die for – i don’t even like/do well with spicy food, but i eat this by the spoonful. yum. damn all you south indians for being on SM and reminding me of such good food…
ak/runa: I have this Canadian-desi friend/colleague/trainer who wants me to stay off rice and rotis. I don’t tell him, but I do make some sambhar/kootu/poriyal types and eat it with thayir and uruga, sorely missing the rice in the process!
Ofcourse I do cheat sometimes and take the rice too 😀
I hope he does not read SM!
Bah! All this talk is making me hungry!
heh..
Similar to the reaction I got when I asked some Bengali aunties if they’d make me some (vegan-friendly) tofu-sandesh. No luck yet.
With all this talk of pickle, I think we should have a pickle tasting / eating meet up.
And I thought my pineapple rasam was as exotic as it could be! Recipe please?
i’m so glad i’m indian, i’ve gotten to eat the best food ever growing up. just being thankful for the food. i don’t have anything to contribute to the aviyal, its fusion cooking in my house.
Vegan Sandesh? Sacrilege!
anantha, have you tried mixing it up with more whole grains? can’t do much for the rice dishes (i tried brown basmati – it was horrible) but you can for rotis – atta is whole wheat, plus you can make other kinds of rotis using other whole grains. i also found this health food store that sells fresh idiyappams made from red rice – every once in a while i have it with some coconut milk and sugar – yum 🙂
Speaking of Telugu food and pickles, I absolutely love the gongura pickle found commonly in southern Andhra Pradesh. Has anyone tried it with ice cream? Another good combination is rava kesari with puli kachal.
Dude(tte), I like gongura pickle but you are scaring me with that combination.
not exotic, but pineapple kesari is amazing.
btw, pingpong seems to be rocking the sweet-sour-spicy thing. not my scene (i go as far as sweet mango chutney) but to each his/her own 😉
For lower carb/rice alternatives:
-quinoa -spelt -wild rice (seed) -Amaranth -kamut
Higher in protein/fiber and lower in carbs. I’ve tried all of them. Delicious.
Speaking of which (and blame it on my brown genes) but the idea of meat that is sweet is just not as appealing to me. So no orange and lemon chickens.
word. (but don’t go calling my parents morons! :P)
i didn’t even know what caste my family was until high school social studies class prompted me to ask my parents. but yet they expect me to want to end up with someone of the same caste?? (well, my mother moreso) i really don’t care about that. this is what i’ve noticed about a lot of desi parents (yes, getting into generalization territory here, but i’m speaking from my experience and what i’ve seen in my community). they don’t teach you the language, the meanings of the customs, what the religion’s central tenets are (possibly because they don’t actually know any of this themselves?), etc., but still somehow you’re expected to know all this and uphold it to boot. AND they want you to carry it on to the next generation, talking about how we must ‘preserve our culture,’ when even the younger generation in india is much more open-minded about interracial, interregional, and even same-sex marriages.
/steps off soapbox
HEY! That IS a good idea. Sign me up. Or down.
@anantha:
Pineapple sambar: pretend it’s potato sambar or any other sambar, but add chopped pineapple (in pineapple juice, no sugar syrup) instead.
Pineapple morkozhambu: Oil, mustard, cumin, any other spices if you want, red chilli powder, turmeric. Add pineapples in juice (no sugar syrup), saute for a while, add yogurt (natural, no gelatin) and salt. Add water if you want it dilute. Boil everything until pineapple has soaked up the yogurt inside. Done.
Pineapple rice: Oil, tadka, pineapple (and other veggies if you want: carrots/peas/mushrooms/cashews/peanuts/raisins/oranges/peaches), all in a pressure cooker. Add washed/dried rice, stir fry for a while. Add water, salt, close lid, pressure cook till done. Usually sour after pressure-cooking.
What’s “gongura”?
How about ketchup? :p
that said, mmmm mango pickle. i want some rice with perugu and nimmakaaya pacchadi for dinner tonight.
anyone here ever tried chicken pickle? (does that count as more exotic than pineapple pickle?)
Gongura is this, made into a pickle. Think of it like spinach pickle. Mix with rice (or ice cream apparently) and eat.
Speaking of intercultural stuff, has anyone ever eaten with their hands in front of a non desi crowd or a long term GF or BF? And I do not mean a naan or a dosa. Rice and some curry with gravy . Or had the experience of seeing one of their relatives do that in front of their friends. If it’s a red hot Andhra chicken curry with a lot of bones, I am diggin in usually if I am in front of family. While I revel in doing the opposite, I still have not bring myself to be comfortable doing that in front of my white friends. That is my own hangup though. I prefer utensils with the non chicken stuff regardless of who I am with. I guess everyone has their own line. Some people take it to extreme though. I saw one Indian eat a dosa with a fork at a restaurant.
I can eat the hottest meat curry andhra style. BUt the pickles have a taste that is kind of weird for me. Too strong. I dont care for the taste. And I feel like I have to brush my teeth for an hour. And if any of it touches your hands accidentally, you gotta wash your hands for an hour.
And what is the deal with Indian families strong preference for spoons over forks????
Uh oh! I seem to have steered this thing more towards avial and less toward relationships! Back to the subject, now!
Anna: That so-called skinny gal from a few weeks ago, would she be a willing partner in an avial relationship? Would she call me? 😉
scrams before he gets hit by a few hundred mousepads, coffee mugs, monitors, keyboards etc.
Over and out!
Uh, we only used forks. 🙂 More proof of our weirdness, natch.
Come to think of it, that IS true. Never consciously realized it before. Ak, you might know this thing that [some] Tamil people make on April 14, which is made of neem flowers, raw mangoes, jaggery, salt, and maybe tamarind. It’s supposed to represent 6 different tastes or something (sweet, salty, sour, spicy, bitter and the taste of uncooked lentils) to symbolize that the new year will give you mixed feelings or something. I don’t know if this is the same as Nimbakusumam or if it is the same as Ugadi Pachidi. Anyway, I grew up with that stuff and I like that mixed taste thing, like cranberry juice with cayenne pepper in it.
Damn, where can I get me some neem flowers in the US?
Now thats making me real hungry. That thing is awesome, these Goan folks I knew used to make pickles of fish, chicken etc and they were good. Dunno which other parts of India do the same.
It’s not entirely off-topic…food can be “make or break” when it comes to harmony. My “grad-school” bf was Sikh and he hated, HATED dosas and idlis; this became more of a conflict than you might think…I’d want to go to Amma, he’d whine, I’d get resentful, etc. He was the only Punjabi I’ve ever met who disliked Southie food.
Food also became an issue with potential Mallu Xtian grooms, since they like to eat beef and I am terrified of such things. Especially when done “rare”. Why, oh why do you want to see blood???
Wow, you guys sure love your gongura.
Probably practical aspect – if you have rice and daal (liquid), it’s easier to put daal on rice using a spoon and eat it, rather than switching between spoon and fork. Also, if one likes to eat a few spoonfuls of daal in-between, spoon is easier.
Heh, one summer, I worked part time in a small motel in PA to work off my room while I had a regular summer internship in the daytime. And yes, it was a Patel who owned it. He was a vegetarian. He looked at my deli sandwich and ask me how I could eat raw meat. I had to tell him it was not raw. But the look on his face was amusing.
But I love my steak rare. I want to see the red juices ooze out. Hmmmm. Taaasty. (seriously).
Don’t know about my fellow Punjus, but I’ll take a spicy rasam any day over the junk which they sell in the US under the guise of North Indian food. But, if I was asked to choose between real Northie food and Southie food, that would be one big dilemma. Plus Marathi food, Gujju food, Konkani/Malvani and Bengali food are just as delicious and cannot be clubbed under normally the understood the North Indian food.
I guess I never thought of that. I despise daal(I think it smells like you know what, tastes like who knows what, and looks like you know what). Dont care for sambar. Dont like pure yoghurt(though I do mind a little raitha in biriyani). Most of my vegetarian input is either grilled, raw or frozen veggies microwaved.
BLASPHEMY!! That stuff’s supposed to be eaten with steaming white rice and a generous dollop of ghee. Aah the memories make me hungry now :-(.
Just out of curiosity, did he dislike pancakes too or was it a fermented rice batter thing?
Also, why is “grad-school” in quotes?
I actually feel more awkward eating Indian food with ABDs around. I was raised partly in India (middle class Hyderabad) and my mother never even thought to ask me if I wanted a spoon, so I am used to eating with my hands (I still haven’t spent enough time living away from home/in the ‘real world’ to master eating with utensils, either). I feel judged by ABDs who are used to eating with utensils as ‘fobby’ or whatever. Especially if they can eat a roti with a fork and knife.
My mom makes a dope achari chicken. Mmmm….
And ANNA, did your grad school Sikh bf increase your Sikh network? I’m always on the lookout for a “qualified” Sikh fellow for my single-people database (utilized by myself and my friends)….
Thats just plain stupid. My “white” friends eat roti with their hands.
Hm, I thought only people from Andhra made it. I swear we pickle everything we can get our hands on.
Sigh! I seem to be the food heterodox around here. Look, I’m not saying that I don’t like the original. I’m saying that I also like the remixed version. It’s the culinary equivalent of a mixed-cuisine food. It’s new! It’s something not everyone has tried. The combination may be unknown! It’s the meta-avial!
One difference I’ve noticed between North and South Indians is that North Indians break bread with both hands, a practice one finds all over Europe and the Middle East (whether the bread is leavened or not) while South Indians break bread (when they eat it at all), using only the thumb and forefinger of the right hand.
There must be a large desi community in Brazil. I wonder what their experience is like.
Hmm, he liked pancakes fine. I think it was all Southie food…sambar, rasam, vada et al.
’cause I felt a bit silly referring to him that way, it reminded me of “high school bf”. But that’s what he was. 🙂
Ha. I got the opposite, i.e. I was the only little kid whose cheeks burned with shame, as my father requested a FORK for me at a Mallu party. All the kids looking at me, shaking their heads like, “what are you, re+arded?” Then we got to jr. high and it was, “what are you, too good/white-washed?” I learned how to eat with my hand six months ago. 😀
Eating chapati/naan/paratha with a fork and knife is douchey and pretentious. I’m thankful I got to eat that stuff with my hands. 🙂