My baby cousin at UCLA still hasn’t forgiven me for joining Facebook. His objection is not that I’m too old for it or that I lessen its “cool factor†with my elderly presence—he just hates the program and apparently I was the last person he knew and cared about, who was not on it. That had more to do with pragmatic causes than most anything else; I was happy on Friendster and consummately preferred it to MyAss or the more “globalâ€/Brazilian Orkut. I didn’t have time to maintain profiles on a plethora of time-sucks. And most relevant of all, I couldn’t be bothered to get an “alumni†email addy from either of the schools I managed to graduate from…and once upon a time, you needed such official stuff to participate in the Facebook-orgy.
Not anymore. And so a few of you began inviting me to join it and I pointedly ignored such requests…until one of you was Facebook-stalking a guy you thought was sooo cute.
“What’s his friendster link?â€, I asked.
“He’s not ON friendster…he’s only on Facebook!â€
“Well, then I can’t see him.â€
“But you just HAVE to see this one picture…I have a feeling you know his friend.â€
“You know how I’ve never been a bridesmaid?â€
“Yeah what does that have to do with anything??â€
“I’m signing up for this bullshit right now, so A) you best marry his ass and B) I best be in some sort of poufy outfit, twitching out of boredom on an altar in a year or three.â€
“Omg, whatever you want, just SIGN UP and so I did. But I didn’t bother uploading a pic or filling out my profile, not for a while. Then, I was asked to write something about social networking and I needed more information about FB, specifically a sense of how intuitive it was to use. I noticed, upon logging in, that I had been “poked†approximately 40 times. I also noticed that several of my far-flung friends were considerably more active and in touch on FB than they were on Fster. This puzzled me until I realized that they were destroying all of their free time defenestrating each other via “SuperPokeâ€, proving their music IQ via some guessing game which was far superior to the one on my iPod and playing Scrabble online via the hyper-addictive “Scrabulousâ€.
Well, I saw her Facebook…and now I’m a believer. I will happily eat the words which initially expressed indifference towards this program. The recent app explosion transformed FB for me, from a site to ignore to one which I am now constantly logged in to…which brings me to this post.
Now that I am spending a ton of time on there, my inner, dilettante-sociologist is hyper-stimulated. There’s so much to discover, like…
- How annoying today’s youths in high school are (incoherent and illiterate comments on group walls)
- How thousands of others also speak shitty Malayalam (via the Ende Malayalam Sucks group)
- How several of you first discovered SM! (via the SM Group, natch)
- How people are utilizing Web 2.0 to create support groups for Inter-desi relationships (!!!)
Here, read all about it. I’ll post the group’s “description” for you:
Aviyal Couples Type: Common Interest – Dating & RelationshipsDescription: This group (also a support group) is for all the desi people that are in a relationship (dating, engaged or married) where your partner is Indian but is from a different state in India or is from a different religion or caste. This type of relationship can’t be called interracial, so it can be called an ‘Aviyal Relationship’
For example: An Indian from Mumbai is in a relationship with an Indian from Bihar or an Indian from Tamil Nadu is in a relationship with an Indian from Kerala e.t.c or an Indian who is Hindu is in a relationship with an Indian who is a Christian or an Indian who is a Jain is in a relationship with an Indian who is a Brahmin e.t.c
* Aviyal – a south indian vegetable curry that has a mix of different vegetables. [Facebook]
I didn’t even realize there was a term for this situation—one I have been in for almost half of my dating life. While I tried valiantly to date Malayalee boys, “just to make it easier†on all 349 people who were potentially involved with such an alliance, I went to a college that had no Malayalee male undergrads and didn’t attend our local (read: more than 100 miles away) Syriac Orthodox church. I was far more likely to encounter Punjabi Sikh guys at U.C. Davis/Fresno/Modesto/Yuba City and predictably, that is what I often dated.
I had been making Aviyal all the way through college and I had been oblivious to it!
Whether by circumstance, i.e. being one of a handful of South Indians at a school dominated by Northies or by choice, i.e. just plain falling for someone, this is a cocktail we will see more and more of, no matter what our respective parents think of such emotional collisions. One of you, who comments regularly, is a Tamil married to a Punjabi; sometimes, the comments which inform me of this detail also contain other bits of information, which illustrate how challenging such a union is. I’m assuming both parties involved are probably Hindu, which makes things nominally easier, but when you add interreligious components to the conflict…sometimes, that is exactly what you get: conflict.
When one of the only Malayalee girls I grew up with got married about a decade ago (she was a bit older than us…because I remember that even her younger brother was two years older than me), it caused quite a stir, since she, a Namboodiri, had fallen in love with a Mallu Christian she had met at school. This was the source of much discussion and concern, as our parents pondered whether this was a harbinger of their own future disappointment.
Years later, I felt compassion for her, once I realized what the “odds†were like…it’s difficult enough finding a match who is Malayalee, finding one who is Mallu and of the same faith narrows the pool considerably—especially when you take caste or in the case of Christianity, multiple denominations in to account. It may seem counterintuitive, since Kerala’s Christians comprise a disproportionate share of Malayalee Americans, but yes, it’s hard to find a suitable boy. My father never forgave the Catholic church for what they did in the 17th century, so the thought of me marrying one was inconceivable. MarThomites were out because they were anti-feminist-Mary-haters who shamelessly chose not to revere the dead. 😉
We were fiercely Orthodox and unlike many Malayalee couples, both of my parents were Orthodox; my mother didn’t “convert†to marry him. So for me, Orthodox it would have to be.
Do you have any idea how many single Orthodox Malayalee boys there are in America, who are over the age of 32?
Approximately two.
I have a Sikh friend who is a few years older than me, who is also single, because he’s rather Orthodox himself, and most Sikh girls he encounters want someone sans beard and turban. One of you posted a NYT Vows link recently, all because the groom was Muslim and the bride was Hindu and yes, I’ll admit my non-existent eyebrows rose heavenwards upon reading it, because that’s what I’m conditioned to do. We are marinating in aviyal, whether we know it or not (pass me the drumsticks, btw…and keep the arbi to your damned self).
I’ll probably end up in an “aviyalâ€-marriage of my own, so I confess that I’m partially motivated to explore this aspect of growing up in the diaspora, out of self-interest. But I also remember a certain thread where it was brought up quite a few times, so I know it’s on your mind, too, along with potheads on celluloid and Shah Rukh Khan-endorsed colorism. If you have your own thoughts to add about aviyal, sambar or rasam relationships, speak.
There are many mutinies within which we can participate; the struggles associated with dating “outside†of the precise group we were born in to, perhaps more than any other uprising, often involve the most upheaval and anguish, even if one’s intended is also a shade of Sepia.
I am a Maharashtrian married to a Telugu guy (both are Brahmin, veg). My husband loves my confused cuisine BUT my mom-in-law gets problems that I don’t cook pulusu the exact telugu style. Who cares? Or another recent complaint is that I don’t do VaraLakshmi Vratam the telugu way that she used to do. The fact that the vratam is not performed in my family and I am doing it just to keep her happy does not qualify. I have come to the conclusion that even if I pluck some stars and give it to my mother-in-law, she is going to complain that they are not the brightest of all. All this b’cos I am not telugu (BTW, I speak decent telugu with her too). She doesn’t care that her son is very much in love with me and is very happy.
To be too technical, ‘Avial’ would be more than 2 veggies, sounds more like an orgy.
Is there anything like a upma-cheese grits marriage? If not, I’d like to trademark that term.
if it wasnt the telegu, it is something else. that sounds like making nakra to make nakra. i wonder if my rabid atheism would mess up my MIL’s day. “Vat NO puja? VAT?”
Marriage is really between families and all…so there are more than just the two “vegetables” in the mix, ya know!
desiest response ever…
Anna and her acronyms in this post are killing me – SM, FB, Fster!! I guess I have no one but Susie Bright to blame for the “other” meanings of these acronyms. Anna, is that intentional? 😉
atheism is a nice refuge esp. when in avial situations…i’m exploring it actively. Kinda cedes the territory with some dignity intact.
I don’t think the couple usually has a problem being of mixed vegetable variety. It’s the smothering overbearing family that’s the problem.
If I could have it my way — the MIL would live on a separate coast (I’d be cool with her living in a different country). Mr. Bernie and I could easily go on to create our own family traditions with no MIL mumbling & grumbling.
At some stage the “families” need to butt out and realize that marriage is really between two individuals.
Not really, it would be a lot of peas and a lot of carrots.
That’s really just a lazy cook!
don’t you mean drumstick and long beans? if i had an aviyal of just peas and carrots, i would be very very sad 🙁
Grandparents usually come around once the grandkids arrive on the scene.
I concur!
My parents are from the same region/state but because it was a love marriage, 40 years later, they’re still outcasts as far as my relatives and the extended community are concerned.
Lazy cook indeed! Despite my love for all varieties Aviyal, sadly I’ve never tried to cook it. I should try it this weekend. But it’ll prolly turn out to be a sacrilegious north Indian version no where close to the orgious thing.
kkk….aran? is that you?
Same here, Now I got to create the account and join the SM Group..No more excuses, I guess
What is wrong with you? We are desis. It is NEVER about the two individuals, from the engagement process on. Quit talking like a Vellamban.
Plain Vanilla marriages are not easy either. My choices were straight out of a comedy movie.
First there was the set of parents who did not have a problem drinking with their daughter, but subsequently objected to her sitting down to eat with the men. (I had no problems with either, but was surprised by the quick change of attitude and the “let men eat first while women serve them” attitude) Although she was not happy, she never spoke about this to her parents.
Then there was the girl who over-gesticulated, at our “coffee date”, to the point where people at nearby tables were ducking. She also had enough gold on her that I figured she was wearing protective armor, then I thought she was going for a bharatanatyam arrangetram and finally I realized that she never took classes.
Then I met the self-professed “non-meat eater” (according to her seafood is somehow a vegetable…a smelly, slimy wriggling vegetable) who, during our first conversation, told me that she hated India and also, that her parents would move in with me if this ever worked out.
The nail in the coffin was “Hello. Are you going to move to Texas, because I do not want to move”—all before I could open my mouth to return her greeting.
As for the women in the anecdotes above, I do not claim to have met all of their expectations and these were issues I personally had, they were just not the right one for me. When faced with all this, I was willing to wait for the right time and place, before putting down my “requirements”.
Compare this to the girl I found, She is patient, willing to work towards common goals and we understand each others thought process. Yes her mother tongue is different and she goes to church, but she does not have a problem with the style of the wedding or visiting a temple. When you (and I mean both parties) take time in understanding a person, the “issues” take care of themselves.
I never said it was easy, but the basics, the ground work if you will was already available to facilitate the majority of our dreams. My plain vanilla was just that, plain vanilla, my avial on the other hand came with a side order of heaven.
Santosh, I hear you.But folks, keep in mind that in the des this isn’t as simple as it seems here in Amreeka.Lots of folks live – some out of choice – with their parents/in laws in a “joint ” family situation . So families happen to be an integral part of the marriage.
Also ,I am a firm believer that regardless of whether you are desi or not,in the des or wherever in the world you need to get into marriage with your eyes open about the in-laws.Like it or not, your partner’s folks are the ones that you will be meeting on family occasions, festivals and at some point your partner ( and therefore you by extension) may have to pitch in to look after them in their old age. Unless you decide to cut ties completely for whatever reasons, they are your family now too and if you cannot stand them , better to think about it before taking the plunge.
Runakka, you were sooo much nicer than I was. 😉
I am not sure peas are a staple ingredient in the avial. Carrots, yes. But ask my mom and she would frown at peas. In South Indian cooking, peas are generally not standard. Even chole and rajma are not that very common, actually, at least in Tamil and Mallu cooking.
Hey Rani at 21
Me, too (TN Hindu married to Kerala Christian)!! And, to add another dimension I’m American and he’s Canadian. Our parents have actually been pretty great about the whole thing, though.
Lucky dawg!
Saaary madam.
I am going to use this as my primary greeting from now on. Ignore the fact that I don’t live in Texas.
Aiyo, please to not be putting paneer in the aviyal! Sho!
Runa, Amma dear has been “visiting” for the last 6 months. So technically my better half is living with her in-laws. I know all about it 🙂
Just to clarify on my comment, i’m not asking anyone to get rid of their family members, just make sure you have boundaries for own family and in-laws. Trust me makes life a lot earier.
ha ha! this is my sister’s hard and fast requirement (which i think she has come up with because she doesn’t want to get married – very smart :)) and my parents actually use this as a pre-meeting filter. needless to say, it hasn’t been very helpful…
Anna, what is it with you and paneer anyway? You might very well end up married to a Wisconsin dairy farmer.
Kiwi, I can understand what you must be going through.
My parents are a semi-aviyal couple (Muslims from different communities). But that was as far as they were willing to go. They have been completely intolerant of our (me and my siblings) relationships – all of us are married into Hindu families. My dad in trying to accept our choices is concerned about his grand children “What’s their religion going to be?” and it is a valid concern. My mom hasn’t spoken to me in months. Her excuse is her religion – Islam is intolerant of mixed marraiges. This I can’t understand. It has been emotionally exhausting (for all involved) dealing with this family drama for a couple of years now. It helps to have your friends close.
Btw, planning your interreligious wedding is a whole other story!
How long would it take before someone says “awwwwwww”? Can I say it? 😉
Hehe!
can someone define undermenschen?
Damn, for a moment I read that as “Semia aviyal” and started planning the recipe too.
Nice! I never seen this sensitive side of yours.
Proud product of an aviyal relationship here! My dad is from Karnataka, my mom is from Andhra, both different castes, and had disputes re: minor religious aspects early on in their marriage. They get on fine now though, mostly because they’re too tired to argue about religion, ha! Life is just more interesting when you’re aviyal 😉
be flattered, ANNA – i got 10 requests to join and rejected them all, until your post revealed the true essence of FB 🙂 it isn’t addictive, yet, but i think it will be very soon.
Wow, My maluself is going to run home to tell my half malu/half anglo-indian wife from hyderabad that we have an Aviyal relationship! I always wondered if there was a term for it. I can’t wait to see how our daughter describes herelf to her brown peers when she grows up…
Ironically enough, a lot of our friends here in chitown are products of Aviyal relationships from back in the 70s.lots of half malu/half others going on…
Currently, we have had the same “suitable” partner issues within the malu community here…lots of people going outside specific religion and race out here in chicago…
on side note, me no like aviyal 🙁
undermenschen, n: beard. sometimes another chin. not to be confused with ubermenschen, a mustache.
I’m South Indian! Down with paneer! I will not be oppressed by North Indian cheese! Never mind that I love “regular” cheese (read: feta, goat, sharp cheddar, pepper jack, provolone, mozzarella, fresh mozzarella, mizithra, asadero, gouda, parrano, parmesan…pretty much everything but brie and swiss and american).
Eh, it just weirds me out to see cheese in Indian food. 🙂 Can’t…comprehend…paneer. I ate fresh Mallu food daily, for 21 years, and we were such narrowly-focused herbivores, I didn’t taste thayir sadham until this year, because IT WASN’T MALAYALEE. 😀 The one time I asked my mom to make Aloo Paratha instead of chapathi, I got a flour-handprint on the side of my head. Owww.
What? No Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?
Well, enough of this cheesiness.
I am Lemurian too, but I don’t see a major difference between paneer and curdled milk, which is used in Tamil cooking for some things like Therattu Paal. The fact that it is drained of its water/whey content is relatively minor.
Not that I am trying to get you to accept paneer or anything, just sayin’ that it’s not necessarily North Indian.
Aloo Paratha….the quintessential punjabi breakfast. Now I have to visit mom this weekend.
ANNA, you must break free from the mallu food world! i LOVE south indian food, but i have my share of cravings for the northie dishes – pani puri, chole, and gobhi ke parathe to be specific. and i do love my paneer – last summer was devoted to creating the perfect paneer tikka on the grill. in fact, my great love for paneer also created a sort of aversion to tofu for some time – when my mom tried to substitute it for paneer in korma and matar paneer. the one thing i’ve learned – don’t mess with the desi food – it’s precise in its ingredients for a reason.
sorry to hear that you only just met thayir sadham – that with enna kathirakkai (literally oily eggplant) is supreme comfort food.
o/t but does anybody know desis that use evaporated milk in their chai instead of regular? i know a bunch (oddly, they’re all muslim) and it freaks me out…
WHAT! Endey Guruvayoorappa! Endhaana idhu! 😀
My grandmom, Paarukutti, must be turning over in her grave now….. 🙂
It’s because of her and her alone that I can’t live without thayir saadham. Ultimate comfort food!
I am desperately trying to go low carb and the only thing that makes me break the diet is the lure of “thayir saadham” and Ruchi’s maanga thokku (which I hoard, btw, with six bottles in my kitchen cupboard lest the local Subzi Mandi runs out of it when I need it the most!)!
Pingpong Therattu Paal never reminded me of paneer, Rosgulla did.
Garlic free, btw, cos this brown Iyer ass can’t stand garlic in his urugaai!
pingpong, mentioning terratu paal and paneer in the same breath is SACRILEGE!There IS a major difference I tell ya..
anantha,
I am on day 7 of a low carb diet and my head is aching, I am miserable without “tayir saadam” with nary a roti to break the monotony of chicken,chicken and more chicken 🙁
ak, Enna Kathirikkai – yenna bliss!
Same here! I think it’s the color or the lack there of, in the rosgullas (and the paneer) that causes this.
Speak for yourself there sport. There was a point when all I ate was Garlic pickle, oddly enough the trend was started by my childhood mallu friends grandma.