This is what a Feminist looks like.

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Daddy's Girl.jpg

Exactly 32.5 years ago, a short man with a fearsome moustache stood at a nursery window, tears in his eyes, pride bordering on arrogance spilling forth via his words.

“See her? The one with the huge eyes? That’s my daughter.”

The strangers standing near him congratulated him and politely made remarks about his newborn’s full head of hair and yes, her eyes, which were peering around suspiciously as if she were casing her bassinet, planning a possible escape.

“She was alert, when she was born. She didn’t cry. She…uh…she takes after me. Strong.”

He cleared his throat and complained about the dust, using his ever-present handkerchief to wipe his eyes swiftly.

“Look at the other babies…they are oblivious. They’re nothing compared to her.” He had never been so smug.

My “Grandma”, who is a Russian Orthodox woman who married an Italian, who still sends me a check every January, who told me this story, stood by him, smiling.

“Oh, cut the bullshit George! Every parent thinks their kid is a damned miracle.”

She was teasing him, she didn’t mean it. She always admitted as much when telling this tale, because the next part of it involves her elbowing the woman next to her, and asking, “Have you ever seen a baby with so much hair and such big eyes? Most kids are bald. And squinty.”

My Mom was down the hall, passed out. There was still a tiny smudge of flour on her arm; she had been making chapati when I made my abrupt entrance on a Saturday night, after less than two hours of labor.

::

Much like the adorable protagonist of “Knocked Up”, my father had purchased baby books to study.

Ever the engineer, he charted out milestones and other information. He laid awake at night, unable to sleep; his brain, which already over thought everything, was now whirring even faster. He was the precursor to today’s “helicopter” parent, though he’d scoff at such dilettantes for being OCD-freaks-come-lately.

“That’s what happens when you wait until you are 38 to have a child. You really parent”, he’d explain to me and anyone else who would listen, later.

::

“You will be a book baby,” he allegedly announced to me, the day he strapped me in to the back of one massive Cadillac Fleetwood Brougham, on the way home from the hospital. “You will do everything exactly when the books say…”

…or else. Or else, what? Who knows, I’m just lucky I did it. All that amazing early achievement would buy me some leeway when I turned out to be spectacularly mediocre, later on in life. When he heard that another young couple had given birth to their own first child a few days before, he elatedly rushed to their home, which was strangely dark and quiet. He had books in his hand, his books, which he was confident he didn’t need any more, since he had studied them so thoroughly (and made his charts and notes). Perhaps this new Father might appreciate them.

Daddy looked at the doorbell and then thought against ringing it.

“Probably, they are sleeping.”

That would explain the lack of light and absence of joyful if not ear-piercing noise. He knocked, carefully.

The door swung open, revealing a man I won’t call “Uncle”, because I have never met him. He looked haggard. My father would later tell me that the house seemed eerie and that he knew something wasn’t right.

“Hello.”

“I heard you and your wife had a baby. Congratulations!”

The man shook his head.

“Babu called and told me, I was very excited for you—“

“For what?” the man responded.

“For…your child? I just had one as well, it’s wonderful!”

The man looked startled.

“Oh, I am so sorry! We would have come to see—we thought you had a daughter, Babychayan didn’t tell us you and Mollykutty had a SON!”

“What are you talking about? I don’t have a son. I have a daughter. Anna. 8 lbs, 22 inches long and already very intelligent,” he boasted.

“So we were both unlucky, then,” he lamented. “I am sorry.” He shook his head at my father sadly. “Can I get you a drink?”

“What do you mean…unlucky?” Daddy was sputtering.

“To have daughters! I told my wife over and over, I only wanted one child and it must be a son. We prayed constantly…and this is what our prayers brought.”

“You are UNHAPPY because you have a girl? Is the child healthy?”

“I don’t know…I assume so…”

“You ASSUME?”

“Well, once they told me it was a girl, I left. I was so upset at our misfortune. All I could think of is, how will I tell my parents this?”

“What the hell is wrong with you? You haven’t even seen your own child? Are you sick?”

“I didn’t even go in to the room, I couldn’t. I don’t want to see it. I left them both there, until I decide what to do. Maybe we will send it home.”

“You are a low, ignorant asshole. If your wife and child are healthy, you should be on your knees thanking God.”

“Who are you to call me such a thing?”

“I’d break your bones, but it’s not worth my effort. You fucking asshole.”

The man shoved my father and Daddy roared. After administering one stinging backhand, he angrily made his way back to our home.

::

For years after the incident, he still ranted about it, his rage unchecked. “Can you imagine? Leaving your child in the hospital without even seeing her! And then sending your own baby away, as if it were a parcel you didn’t want? Thendi, patti kazhuda mone, if I see him again, I’ll step on him and break his bones!” Thantha illatha pottan. Pattikunnan bhuthi-illathe thendi!”

He’d carry on like that for a good twenty minutes, after which he’d pointedly remind me that he only asked my mother for one child, ONE and that he hoped it would be a girl.

“My sister was the fifth out of eleven children, and the only daughter of our family. My father often said that she had the biggest andi of us all.” He’d smile, sweetly immersed in nostalgia.

“Must you be so disgusting?” my Mother would mutter.

“Is it disgusting to respect women? To value them?”

“Is it valuing to say that your sister’s…ah…thing was bigger than all of yours…chey, I can’t even think of such words!”

“Edi, my father may have used colorful language to make his point, but the point he was making is what is important—he thought his daughter the equal of his sons and in many ways, he found her superior to them. For someone born in 1885, that is nothing short of marvelous. What do you know? Your grandmother was married at age seven. Chey!”

“Don’t you insult my family!”

“Who needs to insult, when the truth is damning enough?”

And a door would slam and my father would smirk and coo about how I looked just like his Mother, the woman I was named after.

“Ada”, he began, using the masculine form of that noun. “Chakkara-kuttan. Don’t you ever let anyone tell you that you are less than a man, you hear me? My appan was right about my pengala—she was better than any man, she still is. You know, she thought raising children was boring, so she told me to make myself useful and look after them.” He chuckled.

“That is how I know how to braid hair. Asha’s hair was just like yours.”

“Did you also carve lines in to her scalp like you do mine?” I mumbled darkly. My father didn’t do anything gently. My partition line was more of a furrow. Stupid unbreakable black comb.

It didn’t matter, he was blissfully marinating in his reverie.

“I used to make sure that Geetha, Asha and Subash were awake and then I would get them ready before taking them to school. At first, I thought, what 18-year old has such annoying responsibilities? Then I realized how satisfying children can be. That was when I started to wonder if I should still become a priest. My desire to one day be a father myself left me thinking otherwise…then of course your Grandfather objected to that vocation, too. He thought engineering best, which is certainly hard to argue with…but Ammamma…she went to law school, just like you will. And now she is a Judge, just like you will be. But instead of Kottayam, you will be on the Supreme Court…the first Asian woman…”

And then he snapped out of it all so fast, I was shocked he didn’t have whiplash.

“Don’t you do drugs, you hear me? They will ask you all types of things when they consider you-— you think about that before you do something stupid now, which results in shame later. What does Daddy always say? You live in a world of idiots. They will underestimate you because you are a girl. So! What do you do? You score 200% and then tell them po oombe. You are better than a son. Someone asked me, ‘but what about your name, Thampy? Who will carry it on for you?’ And I said, ‘Maire, what makes you think my daughter will change hers?’ And he said, ‘her husband won’t appreciate that’. And I said-“

“You said, I don’t need to get married. I know, Daddy. I know.” I was rolling my eyes, disrespectful because I had no idea how extraordinary all of this was. Silly, sullen teen.

“I didn’t raise you to cook or clean things, you know. If a man wants a maid and a housekeeper, he can hire them. If he wants an equal partner, he can ask for you. Maybe.”

He closed by hissing, “ Asshole!” at his future son-in-law and then he waved me off. As I started up the stairs, on my way to my room, he shouted at my backside…

“Whose name are you going to have?”

“Yours, daddy.”

“No, stupid girl, YOURS. My name IS your name. Don’t you take that bastard’s name. He didn’t put up with you like I have. You put our name on your law degree, you hear me? There is nothing wrong with that! Nothing! ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME? Oh! What a miserable existence, to have a daughter so dense, she might as well have testicles…”

257 thoughts on “This is what a Feminist looks like.”

  1. Manju, that’s not our Fleetwood. The Fleetwood was dark blue. So no, I’m still not a liar. Maybe I’m bruising too easily, but after this vicious attack on me/my family, I can’t see straight.

    still anna, a CADILLLAC FLEETWOOD BROUGHAM. that’s like the biggest, baddest, top of the prestige pinnacle car of the ’70’s. actually the buick electra was bigger, but i digress. i tried to get my dad to buy one but i settled for a pontiac bonnivile, which is pretty big and cool.

    but you had a CFB. that’s like me having a date with aishwarya rai. of course i’m skeptical. (and of course i’m joking, i read the weird observer guy too. probably he failed the army’s mental stability test and is taking it out on sis. i would say appease him and from now on only posts about north korea and the sudan, but somehow i doubt it would work)

  2. This anti-female mentality of many Indians is something that must not be tolerated in AMERICA.

    Like all people who migrated here in the past, they left the ugly parts of their culture back in ‘the old country’.

    Anna: I admire the way your father reacted toward that ignorant fellow who abandoned his daughter. I admire him alot because it is what I would have done (take a swing at the s.o.b.)

    I am not from India so I cannot understand the female abortion and other anti-female attitude in India. Although I do remember while I was growing-up my father telling me, that because I am a boy that I had to study harder because girls can just get married.

    Among the Indian community in Trinidad dowry is not practiced, nor is Caste, except for the Brahmins.

    People with the name Singh are like everyone else, with no opportunities for military service by Indians in that place, because of discrimination against Indians in the Caribbean by the Afro government there.

    The Vegetarian lifestyle holds little appeal for people of Indian origin in the Caribbean.

  3. @Rajesh Harricharan, Great logic. Perharps they can adopt the non-evil ways of America,for example this: 1) http://www.now.org/issues/violence/stats.html and this: 2) http://preventchildabuse.com/abuse.htm Gee,I thought the United States was a pro-female and pro-child country where no great enlightened male abuses any woman or child. I guess all the millions of women and children are abused by the uncultured,evil backward Indian men. One small problem with this logic though, (first generation-backward) Indians are less than 1% of the US population.

    And since you talk about abortion, lets look at abortion in the US, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abortion_in_the_United_States. As someone pointed out in an earlier thread,the West makes such a big fuss about female infanticide in India,but the West performs abortion willy-nilly. Is gender-based infanticide more evil than gender-neutral infanticide?

    Since you are from the Carribbean,just read up this link before accusing India of being anti-female http://www.caribvoice.org/Women/domesticviolence.html http://www.caribbeannetnews.com/cgi-script/csArticles/articles/000011/001161.htm

    But…but, I thought Indians purged all the evil parts of the Indian culture and adopted the new and enlightened ways of their adopted land,so how is this possible?

    To the moderators, Sorry for my sarcasm,but please think before posting asinine comments like the one above, the bottom line is every region of the world from NYC to Timbuctoo has an anti-female undercurrent to it. So if you want to highlight this problem, please be a little more balanced in your coverage.

  4. This isn’t directed at anyone in particular, but there are plenty of sentiments here that there is an anti-female bias worldwide. I couldn’t agree more.

    However, this is a South Asian blog that wishes to create awareness among South Asians. I highly doubt we’re going to back away from our computers and trek the world ending misogyny and violence against women this way and that. I don’t know how many people here have the time to read up on forced circumcisions in the Middle East and the enormous domestic violence rates in the Western Hemisphere and then do something immediately afterwards.

    The huge advantage here is that since most of the people that frequent this blog are South Asian they can each play a more direct role in ameliorating sociocultural conditions for South Asian women overseas, in the United States, Canada, the Caribbean, and where have you. Whether it’s gender neutral infanticide, gender specific infanticide, male rights activism, misogyny, misandry, snide comments from relatives regarding the gender of the newborn, the “talking down” syndrome in daily conversation, or supporting a woman who decides to scream out at her catcallers and gropers…this is simply about fostering awareness that you can do something, not a general accusation that you’ve caused it.

    Now you know what it’s like. Perform random acts of kindness and maybe it won’t be this way much longer, at least where you are.

  5. Antahkarana – very nicely put. thanks for gently reminding us to get off our keyboards and soapboxes, and to do something about it.

  6. As someone pointed out in an earlier thread,the West makes such a big fuss about female infanticide in India,but the West performs abortion willy-nilly. Is gender-based infanticide more evil than gender-neutral infanticide?

    YES!

    I had an abortion at 3 weeks when the fetus is still nothing more than a practially microscopic cluster of cells. Gender is not determmined until close to the 3rd MONTH of pregnancy. By then you have a human life form already well into progress and development. If you can’t distinguish between these two scenarios, and the moral depravity of “boy lives – girl dies” attitude, well then I don’t think there is much in life you can be counted on to distinguish.

  7. As someone pointed out in an earlier thread,the West makes such a big fuss about female infanticide in India,but the West performs abortion willy-nilly. Is gender-based infanticide more evil than gender-neutral infanticide?

    You are comparing apples and oranges. With your above statement you are talking about the debate on whether any abortion is legal.

    And even in the US abortions aren’t performed “willy-nilly”.

    What sex-selective abortion means in India, is women are aborted just b/c they are women; That’s different than not agreeing with any abortion. I support abortion rights. If you don’t you can always run for office on that platform or support some Republican invoking religious sentiments to get the religous right to vote for them.

  8. Gender is not determmined until close to the 3rd MONTH of pregnancy.

    Wrong. Gender is determined from the moment of conception…XX is female, XY is male.

  9. Wrong. Gender is determined from the moment of conception…XX is female, XY is male.

    Even if that were true, gender cannot be determined via technology until the 3rd month. That means the sonagram x rays don’t pick it up.

    But, all fetuses are XX at conception and beyond. The “mutation” into XY happens later.

    Those who choose to abort girls must wait until the 3rd month to do so.

    This is something incomprehensible to me. Abortions at that stage pose a greater chance of health complications to the mother as well, not to mention how well formed the fetus is by then. By that time it is a human infant really.

  10. But, all fetuses are XX at conception and beyond. The “mutation” into XY happens later.

    I just want to make a technical comment about this point (not discussing the ethics). In humans, embryos are XX (female) or XY (male) at conception, that does not change later. The actual differentiation of the reproductive organs and ducts – Fallopian tubes, testes and so on – begins around the sixth week. In some reptiles etc. (like crocodiles/turtles), gender differentiation happens during early stages of development in the egg based on incubation temperature.

    As to when you can make the determination of gender in humans, I do think that you can probably test the amniotic fluid pretty early on to determine sex (I don’t know for sure). However, this is an invasive procedure, so I’m guessing it is probably not favored.

  11. I do think that you can probably test the amniotic fluid pretty early on to determine sex (I don’t know for sure).

    Yes, that is how most of the clinics in India do and can be done very early on, in addition to sonograms. Even though both of them for the purpose of sex selection are banned, as per law.

  12. As to when you can make the determination of gender in humans, I do think that you can probably test the amniotic fluid pretty early on to determine sex (I don’t know for sure). However, this is an invasive procedure, so I’m guessing it is probably not favored.

    Wow. What women go through to please patriarchs.

    I know of some tube tying operations botched and the women sufferend pain like anything, and they ended up giving birth when they thought they were no longer going to! The in-laws thought they were just faking feeling sick to avoid housework. Then a year later when a 3rd baby appeared on the scene everyone realized what was going on.

    Nevermind that condoms are cheaper with no side effects. And never mind that the male procedure is quick, simple, non-invasive and more likely to work, and with no side effects.

  13. Speaking from experience, abortions can be very traumatic for women, even for those who make the decision autonomously and want to have it, usually for reasons like career, age (feeling too young or too old to have a baby), not having enough money or a stable home or relationship to offer the child. However, when a woman is pressured to have one, by family or whoever, it is psychologically devastating. The loss that she feels inside, as well as the degradation she feels at the hands of those coercing her, are enormous. What to speak of the guilt, which is oftentimes not shared by the very people who coerced her. This often results in deep depression and an unwillingness to engage in intimacy with her husband again, as well as an unwillingness to participate with the family on anything other than an absolutely neccessary level.

    I wouldn’t expect many men to be able to relate to this, but women will. Even within the first days of pregnancy hormones are kicked into motion which create physiological and psychological change from within the body and mind of a pregnant woman.

  14. Anyway, Sahej, Gurdas Maan is great, but I feel a lot of his talent was squandered on poor songs and albums. I don’t know all his stuff, but his stand-out tracks (to me) are Ki Banu Duniya Da, Taun Surahi Vargi, Punjabiye Zubaaney, Sajna Ve Sajna, Challa, Inj Nahin Karinde, Apna Punjab, and maybe a few others that are escaping my mind right now. By the way, he has been critical of women for failing to adhere to tradition, and also for adopting snobby attitudes and looking down on Punjabi and Hindi (and being too proud of speaking English).

    Replying here b/c of the other thread mess:

    I haven’t heard that Gurdas Mann has said things like that, from the little I know, he’s pretty much for pluralism in general, could be wrong though. Not sure his thoughts on language, but I doubt seriously he is against using english.

    Bhangra music got a huge help from the diaspora, it would not be what it is without it. Punjabi culture has a lot going for it when you go down through the past, but, do you think you would like it as much as you do if you were not male and from a sub-community that has a lot of advantages?

    My family is a jatt family, and it would be pretty easy to sit back and just be like, yeah, jatts are the best and all that. But that’s REALLY unfair to the other communities in Punjab. Same thing with being a punjabi male. Its totally UNFAIR to ignore the messed up qualities of certain situations, especially if there’s a way to avoid it. Punjabi culture has MORE than enough truly good qualities, that I think its messed up to be so comfortable with things that are CLEARLY problems. The fact that being in the west can help give us ideas on how things could be better is not a problem. Many punjabi people enjoy being in the West and that’s because there are clearly things that go right in these societies

  15. “My sister was the fifth out of eleven children, and the only daughter of our family. My father often said that she had the biggest andi of us all.” He’d smile, sweetly immersed in nostalgia.

    “Must you be so disgusting?” my Mother would mutter.

    LOL ROFL.

    Big andi-ied women are common nowadays. They fight for their rights.

    Nice piece Anna. Did your father teach you something about kundi-piditham? 🙂

  16. SAHEJ: “Many punjabi people enjoy being in the West and that’s because there are clearly things that go right in these societies”

    You have clearly and definitively disgusted me with your lack of punctuation and overt generalization.

  19. I think many punjabi people being in the West, and I think that’s because there are things that go right in these societies that people want to be part of. I think this is true based on that there are a lot of people who immigrate from Punjab to these countries, and it seems like Punjab has trouble doing certain basic things as well as is done in the US.

    Will avoid the strong language in the future, it bothers me when other people write with such certainty.

    Its a bad habit

  20. Well, what do you know. An entire thread devoted to “Anna.” Does anyone really care that “Anna’s” father read books about raising babies? What does that have to do with anything? Seriously… I saw another thread about Walmart in Kerala; like, wtf? Is this sorta garbage worth mentioning, let alone blogging about?

  21. Well, what do you know. An entire thread devoted to “Anna.” Does anyone really care that “Anna’s” father read books about raising babies? What does that have to do with anything? Seriously… I saw another thread about Walmart in Kerala; like, wtf? Is this sorta garbage worth mentioning, let alone blogging about?

    Mandira, if you’d bothered to scan the comment thread you’d see that yes, there are people that cared about this post, people that related to it and people that were touched by it. You’re completely entitled to not care about it yourself – but do respect the people that did and stop posting such vitriol. If you so intensely dislike ‘an entire thread devoted to “Anna”‘, it befuddles me entirely as to why you even bothered reading it and clicking on it to comment.

    Again, if you don’t think posts are blogworthy, I hardly think you’re being forced to visit the site, let alone comment on it.

  22. ANNA, that was the most awesome story ever. 😀 My dad (just your average book-loving white midwesterner) apparently called up everyone he knew right after I was born and bragged about how smart I was. They were like, you can’t tell that! He was totally positive he could. And lo, I was a straight-A student and only much later became average. 😉 One of my fave family pix is me, about 6 months old, blobby face on my dad’s fat belly, jammed between him and the couch while he’s laying down with a book, so it looks like I’m reading it too. I figured that must have been why I taught myself to read before I was 3. 😉 So here’s to proud, encouraging dads and their smart daughters everywhere! (and where’s Yo Dad on this thread, eh?)

  23. I’m amazed at the number of people who just don’t get it.

    First, a terrible news story was blogged– an Indian grandfather buries a newborn girl alive, which emphasizes the misogyny in our community and according to some hypersensitive types, “makes us look bad”. Then, an essay is written about the opposite– an Indian man who is overjoyed at a girl child and is fiercely committed to equality.

    We are not all bad, or all good. We are grey, human and in the middle. This post is a deliberate counterpoint to the other, horrific one (I’m still haunted by the imagery of that little baby’s hand emerging from her grave and how fortunate she was that someone saw it in time). Anti-woman, pro-woman. Sorrow, joy. Bitter news, sweet memoir. Stop acting like this essay came from out of nowhere and that there wasn’t a very obvious context for it. This isn’t about narcissism, it’s about balance. Maybe the India-shining types on the other thread didn’t appreciate this post’s example of goodness because it occurred in America, who knows. More likely, if it had been written by anyone else, it wouldn’t have been condemned by a small, but repulsive minority spewing vitriol not just at its author, but indirectly against all the women AND men who recognized themselves or felt affirmed here.

    Sepia Mutiny goes on vacation and courtesy and logic do, as well. It’s too bad.

  24. Midwestern Eastender: (and where’s Yo Dad on this thread eh?) I am right here – busy over the hot summer holidays. I smell sarcasm in this question of yours! I wish I could contribute more, but since I have two boys, Abhi and the younger one who just got married six months ago, I do not have first hand experience on the subject matter discussed here. I will tell you though, that after Abhi was born my wife and I were hoping to have a girl. We even picked the name to be given to the unborn “Pooja”. “God gave us a boy. We named him Poojan! End of the story. However, I totally agree with the sentiments of girls and their parents and nuances of human birth and random probabilities built-in therein. The phenomenon of wishing to have boy vs. girl probably goes back to our evolutionary phase and may be hard-wired in our brains – as a practical matter and survival in the wild – and desire to leave an offspring who can continue in future our beastely nature. Anna has written a very personal and wonderfull piece and I salute her. Back to long hot summer.

  25. “Those who choose to abort girls must wait until the 3rd month to do so. “

    Is that really true? Hmm. had no idea.

  26. Interesting post, but I’m kinda confused. Growing up I always believed (and was told) that girls are much more valee (not sure how you spell it, but Guju translation of “loving”) to fathers than sons. I’ve seen this in my Guju family and I wonder how true this belief actually is.

  27. Ankita: The correct word is “VAHLI’ means loosely – “someone who is dear and loving”. VALEE means “Guardian”. The generic phrase -Daddy’s Girl- and – Mama’s Boy – has been observed throughout the world population and is not restricted to Gujarati families only. Although as a Gujarati I must say on occasions when our boys – in concert with their mom gangs up on me – I wish I had a girl – who would take my side!!

  28. Wonderful Story ANNA! I am the 2nd of two girls born to a badboy father, who was forced to give up his partying,bike-riding,gf having days to raise 2 little girls when our mom died. He made some mistakes(he wasn’t perfect) but he always showed us his love, even when faced with 1st periods, boy crushes,and training bras.I was his lil’ tomboy, cutting grass with dad, going out with dad, pissing off the neighbors with dad, drinking and cussing with dad, hanging out with the boys and dad,talking and opining(complaining) with dad, and recently saying goodbye to dad. I asked him once when I was little, “do you wish I was a boy?” he looked at me and said, that since my sister is such a girlie girl, he had wished for a boy to have someone to share his experiences with but then he said,Not anymore. Because I’m so much better than a boy, and I even look like him and we were doing the same things anyways. I know that he felt guilty for not having a mom for us around but he was mom-dad-and my buddy. We had a rough relationship,(he had a bad temper and wasn;t opposed to belittling and hitting his girls) because of his upbringing and personality. But everyone(even my hubby,and the rest of the family) can see him in me the good parts and the bad parts. All I can say is I am my father’s daughter, just the cuter shorter version. Luv ya old man!

  29. “Those who choose to abort girls must wait until the 3rd month to do so. ” Is that really true? Hmm. had no idea.

    that is kind of interesting

  30. “Those who choose to abort girls must wait until the 3rd month to do so. ” Is that really true? Hmm. had no idea.

    That’s not true, it’s just more common.

  31. First, a terrible news story was blogged– an Indian grandfather buries a newborn girl alive, which emphasizes the misogyny in our community and according to some hypersensitive types, “makes us look bad”. Then, an essay is written about the opposite– an Indian man who is overjoyed at a girl child and is fiercely committed to equality.

    Totally agree. How often has it been said that people only focus on the bad things desi men do? And then an article showing the exact opposite, and people don’t get it for what it is, an attempt to provide balance? Its kind of funny. Obfuscating rhetoric aside, the only people who can begrudge these two stories (particularly the first) are those who are having a problem that discrimination against women is being taken up. Desi men, especially in the west, would be less than smart to defend discrimination based on race, because they don’t benefit. But some sure as heck can defend discrimination on sex in India; and boy do some like them their undeserved advantages. (pls note the use of commas and periods).

  32. Anna,

    I love the story. Thanks for sharing it with us. Your Dad reminds me so much of my parents.

    I am the first of two girls born to the only son (Dad has 4 sisters) of an only son. My paternal grandfather was very disappointed with my mother when I was born and said something to that effect in the hospital. My parents did not let him see my younger sister when she was born. [My Mom said something like “We don’t need you to think / tell us that we are unlucky for having another girl. We are happy.”] They never said anything about not having a son. My parents have always been proud of the two of us. I love them for it.

  33. Many punjabi people enjoy being in the West and that’s because there are clearly things that go right in these societies

    Indirectly what you say is true, but directly the main reasons desis come here are MONEY, LIFESTYLE, AND OPPORTUNITY. And of course by extension to get away from the corruption and difficulties of life in India. Mostly just plain and simple economics. Yes maybe you could say they come here for freedom, but I think that’s something they realise more after coming. I don’t think they come to the West for philosophical or cultural reasons or because they think that it’s a particularly blessed place, where Western enlightenment values shine like a beacon for all.

    Khair, ihnan gallan nun chhadd, tell me if you liked the video. Do you think that corny dancing was done seriously, or was it done in a spirit of irony, sort of illustrating the lyrics of the song (dealing with people changing and becoming more Western, while losing their roots?) I hope that what they were really doing was making fun of the dancing. Either way, great song regardless.

  34. Well, I think its both Amitabh. The economics and the values were probably both good reasons to come here. The idealism of the Kennedy years was a great pull for a lot of people. I know there were people in India who loved JFK as much or more than people today love Obama. And Lincoln was a hero to a lot of people. I think things are a little different now, but I wouldn’t discount how much lifestyle and economics alone is not enough.

    I really didn’t think that song was one of the better Gurdas Mann songs, although I do have an imperfect command of Punjabi, especially in songs I haven’t had explained by someone with better language skills; I tend to get into his more passionate ones and I didn’t feel that one. BTW I read that the song Apna Punjab was actually a song written by some guy in Toronto who gave it to Gurdas Mann on stage, and he sang it straight from the piece of paper during his show. Somehow that’s the only way it should have gone

  35. Mandira Bedi (#120):

    Well, what do you know. An entire thread devoted to “Anna.” Does anyone really care that “Anna’s” father read books about raising babies? What does that have to do with anything? Seriously… I saw another thread about Walmart in Kerala; like, wtf? Is this sorta garbage worth mentioning, let alone blogging about?

    Well, what do you know? Clearly, not much. Somehow you missed 100+ comments from people who thought that the post was worthwhile. Quite a few of them say things like, “great post!” and “lovely post,” so I’m going out on a limb here and saying that those people do care. Count ’em up, since you have nothing better to do.

    It’s amazing. You don’t see people who compulsively read Cal Thomas, Glenn Greenwald, Maureen Dowd, Thomas Friedman, etc. and then spend their days and nights lambasting them and their families like this. And those people are SYNDICATED, with huge readerships and whatnot. Anna posts on a blog. She helped start it, and it’s gotten pretty big lately, but it’s still a blog.

    This just lends support to my theory that most brownz are disproportionately sensitive to small changes in perceived stature. Someone who does more gets knocked down without hesitation, because it’s okay to hate your peers. But someone who does something REALLY big gets garlands and kudos and weirdly obsessive love.

    So I guess your problem, Anna, is that you haven’t hit the big time yet. Shame on you for not being a movie star / politician / celebrity already! No, you’re just a normal person who does big things without much recognition.

    God! Loser!

    hee hee hee 😀

    Hey, wanna do big stuff without much recognition with me this weekend? Let’s round up a group and do something worthwhile, just to piss off a few trolls.

  36. I don’t think Gurdas Maan wrote most of his songs…the majority are probably from professional songwriters.

  37. Oye Amitabh ek hor gall,

    It’s not the fault of America if the people in that video didn’t know how to dress or dance. Also, Salsa is a product of Latino/Chicago immigrants to NYC. Kurta Pajama are great, and of course Punjabi style is awesome; but that doesn’t mean all other cultures are worthless.

  38. No one’s saying it’s America’s fault; it’s the fault of the Indians for mindlessly aping something which is not theirs, and looking like buffoons while doing it, while forgetting all about their identity and culture.

  39. Straw man argument there. You get a bunch of people in ill-fitting pants who can’t Salsa and then say anyone doing anything “western” is aping a culture they don’t understand? I’m sure it happens, but, what are indians incapable of dancing salsa now just because their grandfather lived in Moga? We don’t live in Moga, we live here

  40. First, a terrible news story was blogged– an Indian grandfather buries a newborn girl alive, which emphasizes the misogyny in our community and according to some hypersensitive types, “makes us look bad”. Then, an essay is written about the opposite– an Indian man who is overjoyed at a girl child and is fiercely committed to equality.

    Please. Spare us your liberal Western Judeo-Christian BS. Hinduism is far superior when it comes to questions of individual growth and development. For example, we don’t consider death a chance to go to happy land up in the sky, so that article about the baby is total BS. Life and death are part of the same cycle for us. A wife is subservient to her husband because Sita was subservient to Ram. Yeah, a Westerner may not understand that, but at least in India we don’t need to place condom machines in every university bathroom. We don’t have a whole porn industry devoted to the exploitation of vulnerable women. We don’t put our elders in nursing homes because of an obsession with career promotion. We value our families, and just as importantly, the larger community. And Hindu women have done just fine for 5000+++ years, thank you very much. So cut this feminist BS. Next you’ll be promoting gay rights in India. Liberalism is NOT going to destroy the fabric of our society.

  41. but at least in India we don’t need to place condom machines in every university bathroom.

    Truck stops and call centers instead.

  42. but at least in India we don’t need to place condom machines in every university bathroom

    Right. Instead you get to deal with overpopulation. I’ll take the condom machines, thanks.

  44. Given Whatever’s highly encino understanding of India — condom machines, porn industry, nursing homes, gay rights, etc — I’m surprised s/he was able to navigate the technological hurdles involved in using a computer to access the Internets to post that comment.

  45. Maybe he’s writting from California; the home of the porn industry and a place where everyone hates their grandmother.

  46. whatever, it’s very interesting that you think of india only in terms of hinduism and hindu culture, particularly in referring to that baby and the life-death cycle, since the grandfather’s name was abdul rahman – i assume he, and the baby, are not hindu. as for hindu women doing just fine, i’m pretty sure many desi women would challenge you on that. if women in india are subservient, i would say a large part of it is because they feel their circumstances cannot allow for asserting their equality, but that doesn’t mean they do not desire it. and no porn indutry? no exploitation of women? PLEASE. not only is there a ‘healthy’ porn industry in india, but red light districts abound. i am just curious – this is not meant as a jibe – but do you actually live in india?

  47. I vote that Vatever’s post be included in the top 10 most ridiculous posts on SM. Although, as of recently, there seems to be a clamoring to get into that list.

  48. Many punjabi people enjoy being in the West and that’s because there are clearly things that go right in these societies
    Indirectly what you say is true, but directly the main reasons desis come here are MONEY, LIFESTYLE, AND OPPORTUNITY.

    The money, the lifestyle and the oppurtunity are the things that go right in these societies, so that is what Sahej is talking about, and that is why people migrate there. Money, lifestyle and oppurtunity are all components of culture.

    Now, the countries/cultures they migrate from may have wonderful aspects to their cultures, as all cultures do have at least a few redeeming qualities, however, money, lifestyle and oppurtunity may not be amongst them. So they sacrifice the good of their homeland for the good of another land, even if only temporarily. Striking a balance between the best of two worlds is an art form in itself.

  49. Life and death are part of the same cycle for us

    All you Judeo-Christian porn huggers! Go suck on your Nussbaum-engraved condoms! We Indians have even been more environmentally conscious than you are. You call them funerals, for us, they are recycling parties. Paper or plastic?

  50. Please. Spare us your liberal Western Judeo-Christian BS. Hinduism is far superior when it comes to questions of individual growth and development.

    In my research and involvement in various world religions I have found they are all pretty much similar in their views of women and women’s (limited) rights.

    A wife is subservient to her husband because Sita was subservient to Ram. Yeah, a Westerner may not understand that, but at least in India we don’t need to place condom machines in every university bathroom

    What does one have to do with the other? Subservient women also need to practice safe sex, whether subservient in marriage or subservient in a bf/gf university relationship.

    We don’t put our elders in nursing homes because of an obsession with career promotion.

    Go to the “widows” page. I’m sure they would appreciate nicely kept nursing homes.