It’s hard to imagine something worse for a parent than having to cremate their own child. Today Sukhdeo Hardat of Queens has to do just that after his daughter’s policeman ex-fiancé shot her to death in the middle of the street with his service pistol.
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He refused to let go |
Harry Rupnarine joined the NYPD two years ago as a transit police officer. Soon thereafter, while in uniform, he met Guiatree Hardat and became her first serious boyfriend. She had just come to the USA from Guyana, and was studying at Queens College to become a math teacher. He was older, possessive and controlling:
The possessive cop wanted to keep so close an eye on his girlfriend that he often called her a dozen or more times a day. Rupnarine, 37, constantly nagged Guiatree Hardat, 22, to marry him. He was angry that she wanted to wait until she finished college. [Link]
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p>They broke up, but got back together again. Unfortunately, things hadn’t changed much:
Just a week ago, he flipped out when she asked him to come in the kitchen and talk to her while she did some household chores.”Your attention can’t be in two places at once!” he told her, according to Hardat’s relatives. “You must listen to me!”. [Link]
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p>They went out to dinner last Thursday, as Rupnarine tried to patch things back up, but it didn’t work. She called her father at 7:08 PM to ask for a ride, then called him back to say she would take the bus home. He worried:
But Hardat, 46, felt uneasy about his daughter and headed out to find her. Her cell phone kept going straight to voice mail, and when she finally picked up, he heard her final words. “Go away!” the father remembers her daughter yelling at Rupnarine. “I hate you! I hate you!”The call ended at that point, and by the time Hardat arrived at the scene, just past 7:45 p.m., Rupnarine was in handcuffs and Hardat’s daughter was dead on the ground in a pool of blood. [Link]
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p>Rupnarine claimed that he had accidentally shot Hardat while fighting crime:
Rupnarine … called 911 after killing his girlfriend, then tried to pretend he accidentally shot her while fending off robbers. “Two guys with a knife robbed me,” Rupnarine said to responding police officers, according to a statement of his read aloud at his arraignment. “I turned toward her and I shot her. I’m on the job. Please get the guys who robbed me.”
But Rupnarine’s account, authorities said, was contradicted by a number of witnesses, and he was arrested by Internal Affairs investigators within an hour and charged with second-degree murder. [Link]
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p>What makes this especially bitter for her relatives is that since Rupnarine’s parents had died, they had welcomed him into their family. Now her father feels betrayed:
“This guy, his parents passed on,” he said. “I offered, ‘Let us be a guide to your life.’ ” He added in disgust, “He ruined his own life. My daughter is gone, there is no turning back…” [Link]
Guiatree Hardat is to be cremated today.
But cops don’t do this to each other (even when they should). So it’s clearly not a broad and undifferentiated characteristic.
That said, in a section of the article I didn’t quote directly, their final argument seemed to be over her cell phone – he wanted to examine her SIM card to see who she had called, and she refused. So he was acting jealously and suspiciously right before she was shot.
I think that this is a terrible tragedy. I noticed some comments touching on domestic violence within the South Asian community. I thought I’d take a moment to point out some hope-inspiring information. Chitra Divakaruni (of Mistress of Spices fame) was a co-founder (and is a current board member) of Maitri an organization in the Bay Area that helps South Asian and South Asian American women in various abusive situations (including domestic violence). She also serves on the board of Daya which does the same thing in Houston. If anybody lives in those two areas, I’m sure that they’re always looking for volunteers.
I neglected to read the comments carefully and did not see that Sonya had already written about Maitri. Mea culpa and kudos to you, Sonya, for putting so much time into a such a heartbreaking field.
I’m sorry, I know this was meant well, but it just made me roll my eyes big time. Women are not beat up because they don’t stand up for themselves, they get beat up because we live in a violent, sick-sad society that is patriarchal and misogynistic!
I’m sure this wasn’t meant this way, but these kinds of statements once again place the blame on women. Not only are we apparently responsible for getting the shit beat out of us by men we are supposed to be able to trust — brothers, fathers, lovers — we are also responsible for not being able to stop them.
Sorry, maybe this gets me too heated. I think this murder is awful and horrific, but I HATE hearing folks, especially men, talk about what women aren’t doing to “save themselves.”
Hold on here, I think in this case she did stand up for herself. There’s not much standing up you can do when someone has a .45 pointed at you.
I realize I may have come across as majorly disrespectful up there. There’s a major air pocket we’ve hit in canada around the air india inquiry these days. Cultural sensitivities, rcmp incompetence, general assholery are coming up front. So nerves are a litle raw on the subject of cultural compliance.
That said, just to regain focus on the discussion. At the end of a national talk show around the air indIA inquiry, this commentator said, guys – regardless that the police screwed up, the legal system was taken for a ride, Let’s not forget who committed the crime. And that’s where it comes back to. There’s one fucked up in this scene here. No sense painting a whole community with the brush, even as there is debate on what got this guy fucked up.
Trollerboi –
On topic, please. If we get into the AI bombing, this thread will turn into flames faster than the western forests this time of year. Can we stick to poor Guiatree Hardat, rather than riffing on Clueless’ comments out to broader issues?
I’m with you on the first two. Those relationships are primarily consequence, you’re stuck with what you get. The last one is a direct result [much touted by women, is that they are the ‘choosers’] of choice, particularly in the west. Of course in an extreme case like this one, resulting in death – a crime has been comitted and whoever committed the crime should be held accountable. But generally speaking, I believe if a woman has made a free-thinking choice in who her lover is, she’s partially complicit in the reprecussion.
I would have to strongly disagree with this statement. It assumes that the woman choses an abuser he is an abuser. That is probably not likely the case in most situations. Even once the abuse starts it is intersperced with love. The abuser shows love, starts the abuse, apologizes, promises to change, makes up with more love, abuses a little more than before, apologizes, promises to change, makes up with more love, abuses even a little more than before…and so on.
In the mean time the woman has been broke down, isolated, and starts to believe she deserves or she believes that her love may still change him. You would be surprised how easy it is to break a human being down. It could happen to anyone if done right.
At the ripe and mature age of 20 something she chose to date a police officer. How was she supposed to know she would get shot in front of witnesses for exercising that same choice, namely to leave once she realized what he was really like?
Furthermore, it’s really not possible for women to always know what a guy is like (or vice versa for that matter) until later, at which point it might be hard to leave, precisely because of what happened here.
But in general, I can’t believe you’re finding fault in her behavior here.
Correction to post #59:
Meant to say “It assumes that the woman choses an abuser knowing he is an abuser”
Ever heard of the “bad boy complex” Such a term wouldn’t exist unless the woman was actively making a decision based on his erratic, unpredictable, and deviant characteristics. It’s only when those characteristics have turned on her, she cries “fowl” and “victim” I don’t buy it, in many of these cases where, again I restate, a free-thinking choice has been made, partial responsibility must be incurred.
You’re making a lot of convenient assumptions to create a specific situation to bolster your argument.
I wasn’t, I said in extreme cases like this, she couldn’t be held responsible.
My sympathy goes out to the Hardat family.Guyana has seen so much violence in their community, here and abroad.
No not convenient assumptions, just speaking from years of experience with domestic violence victims.
And, I am confused about your comments about bad boys. Are you saying most domestic violence victims (1 out of 4 in the US) chose to go out with men who are “bad boys”. Where are you getting that from? Sounds like you’re making convenient assumptions to create a specific situation to bolster your argument.
Like, I said, I get heated, so apologies if this is blunt, but I think this is TOTAL BULLSHIT. By analogy, this is like blaming a woman who gets raped for wearing “suggestive” clothing.
If you are getting beat up, the guy who is beating you up has a problem, not you. There are a lot of complicated things that go into how or why a woman might end up with an abusive lover, and oftentimes those things are not of her making. For example, women who live in households where they witness domestic violence or are beat up as children are more likely to end up with an abusive guy. Most abusers are guys you know — people you would have a drink with who you wouldn’t imagine are abusive. Also, it’s not like most abusers are sweet on date 1 and then beat the shit out of you on date 2. If it was that stark, I think most women (in the U.S.) would leave these guys early on. Abuse is insidious – it works its way slowly into your life. It might be nasty comments about your weight, your intelligence, your family, your friends, your cooking, every little thing you do that could possibly make you worth disparaging. It could start in the form of neediness or jealousy — traits that, by themselves, don’t necessarily mean a guy is abusive. Maybe one night you asked him to stop doing something while you were making love, and he didn’t stop. Things build up, they don’t happen overnight.
I bet you ANYTHING, that if all of us were put in a room that was 50% abusers and were just mingling over cocktails we couldn’t identify who those guys are. Why? Because they seem normal, well adjusted, charming.
I don’t say this to paint women as these doe-eyed stupid powerless victims, but at the same time, women are not to blame for being the survivors of domestic violence.
Additionally, your bad boy hypothesis suggests abusers are visibly different (from their behavior). A bad boy may be wild but that does not suggest he will try to exert power and control over his partner. I doubt most abusers (if you met them) would fit into that category. If they did for instance, you wouldn’t find so many Indian women who are married to professionals suffering from domestic violence. I doubt abusers are more prevalent in the “bad boy” category.
A gentle reminder that in almost every other story similar to this which we’ve blogged, friends and relatives of the deceased eventually find us and then read every comment. I’m not saying that because I want to censor you; I’m saying it because I know some of our newer readers may have not yet experienced one of those shocking moments when a victim’s sibling or friend comments, reminding us that these are real human lives, not abstract concepts whom we are dissecting.
My thoughts and prayers are with Guiatree’s family, especially her Father…and for all who have suffered the effects of DV. As someone who was in a physically abusive relationship, I cringe at words like “complicit”…I know it doesn’t make sense from the outside, but please don’t blame these women for not doing what seems obvious to us. Life is never that easy, is it?
HMF
I find these words you wrote…
Those relationships are primarily consequence, you’re stuck with what you get. The last one is a direct result [much touted by women, is that they are the ‘choosers’] of choice, particularly in the west. Of course in an extreme case like this one, resulting in death – a crime has been comitted and whoever committed the crime should be held accountable. But generally speaking, I believe if a woman has made a free-thinking choice in who her lover is, she’s partially complicit in the reprecussion.
to be callous, heartbreakingly sad, unsympathetic and one need not go further in discussion to understand how it is women, men, and children are abused beaten, tortured, shot, and killed not just here but in every culture.
sp
Sonya
Such a term wouldn’t exist unless the woman was actively making a decision based on his erratic, unpredictable, and deviant characteristics.
Yes, b/c slang is of course a completely scientific and accurate reflection of all social phenomena, and all individual stories boil down perfectly to the phenomena perfectly encapsulated by such slang.
Guiatree Hardat’s father praised his daughter as a kind, loving and gentle woman, saying she attended Queens College and wanted to become a math teacher.
I’m so sorry for the loss of her. New country, new dreams, new ambitions. . .her family is in my thoughts and prayers, and I hope they can find some comfort in the memory of her beauty and spirit, staying somewhere more peaceful now.
When I hear horrible news like this piece, I wonder what this world is coming to.
My condolences and sympathy to the beautiful young ladie’s family and friends.
It looked like there were warning signs, but the end results only happen in a nightmare. The world lost a much needed teacher. Wonder if the police department noticed any red flags/or violent tendencies in the killer.
Pardon my grammar. I meant to type “lady’s” instead of ladie’s. Sorry about that.
Has anyone noticed the other desi angle in this story? A DESI COP in NYC?! There can’t be too many of those. Not to take away or distract from the main point which is this man’s horrible, evil actions.
Although in the main article it says he has other NYPD officers in his family, who wanted to post his bail (which was refused by the judge).
I can’t say anything about the statistic you quoted. All I can say is what I’ve said before.. when a free thinking choice has been made, then partial responsibility must be incurred. I’m not going to quote any numbers, but it doesn’t seem unreasonable to me that a woman who seeks out “bad boy qualties” may end up in a situation reminiscent of domestic violence.
But thats exactly what you’re doing. Instead of understanding my point, it’s just an attempt to construe it as a “blame the victim! ooga booga!’ response, when it in fact is not. You can use words like extremely callous, be blunt, but as someone who has repeatedly witnessed their female friends fall for these “bad boys” then complain that they are indeed “bad”, I just scratch my head and go, “huh?”
As for people reading comments regarding this particular case, I’ve made it clear, both here and here that I find what happened to this lady as abhorrent and extremely tragic.
Then why are rates of domestic violence the same for professional women? Why are the rates of domestic violence the same for women who have arranged marriages? Bay boy qualities have nothing to do with abusers. I doubt most bad boys are abusers. If they were only the women in relationships with such women would face domestic violence. But rates of domestic violence are very similar irregardless of economics and culture. The point you are trying to make is nonsense.
HMF, while what you say about women being attracted to “men with variety and excitement” is a common phenomenon (you can choose to call them bad boys if it helps your argument) what is irritating is your insistance that when a woman does wake up to DV one day that it’s simply easy to walk away or that she chooses to be with a man knowing fully well that he’s the bad guy.
I was in just such a relationship for 5 years and he happened to be a NYPD Detective and you know what that relationship spiraled out of control before my eyes without me being able to do anything about it or gain control of my life. I’m educated, smart, independent, know better and have doled out plenty of advice to other women in similar situations, advice that was crystal clear to me. If someone had told me when I entered the relationship that it would end up that way I’d have laughed at them. Not to me.
It took an entire year of intervention from friends and family and a leave of absence from work to end that relationship and it took me years to get over it. It’s easy to explain something that might appear black and white to you because you’ve never experienced it but I strongly suggest opening yourself up to understanding what causes these things so often.
You can use words like extremely callous, be blunt, but as someone who has repeatedly witnessed their female friends fall for these “bad boys” then complain that they are indeed “bad”, I just scratch my head and go, “huh?”
Actually, the “bad boy” scenario is less common in domestic abuse cases than you might guess. More often than not, DV victims had no idea at the outset that their partners had the sort of personality that might lead to future domestic violence. Of course, in “culture-based violence”, women tend not to notice any controlling tendencies, particularly if those tendencies are common in the community. This seems to be the case with many Native American women, for example.
Plus, a woman’s investment in a relationship makes it very difficult to leave and move on, when the violent behavior does manifest itself. A lot of domestic abuse begins in ways that don’t seem particularly abusive at the outset. For example, the husband asks the wife to quit her job and stay home to look after the kids. After a while, he says they can’t really afford to keep two cars, so she becomes completely dependent on him for mobility. Soon enough, he’s controlling all the finances, and she basically has no ability to lead an independent life. Things usually just descend into violence from there.
That’s not true, I’m not sure what you define as “bad boy” but in general I see them as erratic, unkind, unpredictable, closed off, and verbally abusive. I’m not sure what else defines a bad boy? a mohawk and a leather jacket?
I never said only “bad boys” ie. the ones women are clearly drawn towards are abusers. Again a complete misinterpretation of my comment.
Oh, but isn’t this type of clarity expected of men? That when he’s in a relationship where he’s clearly being “played” he should just get up and quit? I too know of instances where smart educated women entered poor relationships, specifically because of the aforementioned badboy qualities. The problem is, the desirable badboy qualties usually come part in parcel with the negative ones. Excitement, unpredictability, and that lack of boredom usually stem from wavering minds, verbal nudges, and self centered-ness.
Ever heard Chris Rock’s joke, “The only good relationships are boring ones.”… ? There’s some truth to it.
Please. if you’re classifying this as abuse, I don’t know what you expect… Women can make just as unreasonable demands of this nature.. “We need that couch”, “I need 3 silk sarees”, “You don’t take care of me, my mother was right, I shouldn’t have married you”. Such comments can occur both ways, etc.. etc.. As for leading an independent life, isn’t the point of marriage so that neither partner leads a completely independent life?
And then you make a jump from these perceptual differences into violence??
In culture based violence, I make no comment, again I said, free thinking decision. not one where pressures existed in significant amounts to cause the union in the first place.
Are you seriously going to use this analogy to ‘explain’ domestic violence? My ex never hit me, not once, he was religious, highly educated, had a loving family and was about as exciting as a calculator when I met him. This is why it’s irritating to hear people justify the clarity they apparently seem to think DV situations have.
Please. if you’re classifying this as abuse, I don’t know what you expect…
That’s exactly my point…that domestic violence begins with scenarios that seem completely innocent and innocuous. But these situations can quickly accelerate into domestic abuse, when particular provocations are applied. Ultimately, domestic violence isn’t just about physical abuse. It is a dynamic where one partner attempts to completely control the other, and one way to do this is to render the other partner completely helpless and completely dependent (no access to transport, health insurance, family funds, etc). You’re pretty only one or two stages away from serious physical abuse at that point.
With immigrants, it is common for husbands to threaten their wives with immigration consequences, as in “I’ll make sure you get deported, if you tell the police I beat you.” What is the woman supposed to do in such situations?
Women can make just as unreasonable demands of this nature.. “We need that couch”, “I need 3 silk sarees”
Sorry, but that’s simply not the same as a man telling a woman “you know what, I don’t think you should have access to our bank account anymore, because I don’t trust you to make smart money decisions.” I don’t know how you can rationally equate the complete lack of access to any mode of independence that I was suggesting with normal demands that people make of each other.
As for leading an independent life, isn’t the point of marriage so that neither partner leads a completely independent life?
Personally, I think the point of marriage is that you share your life with another person, and there is no real loss of independence, other than the (IMO minor) adjustments to your life you accept as a normal consequence (like the whole shared bathroom thing…let me tell you, that was pretty hard to get used to for me). This is a voluntary loss of independence, if at all.
But the sort of loss of independence that happens in DV cases is where the woman has the ability to do even simple daily tasks taken from her, by a controlling spouse…a spouse who wants to ensure she cannot so much as go grocery shopping by herself. Do you not see a difference in the dynamic?
I find it hard to believe that such strong behavior isn’t “receivable” by women who have taken the time to use their powerful intuitive insights to assess character. Anyhow, my point from earlier still stands. The abuse received from fathers, brothers, and forced husbands cannot be taken in the same light as abuse received from willing, chosen partners, in particular where the woman has had her full faculties (ie not being coerced) in making the decision.
THis is a special case. You cannot take a special case and make it as a norm.
THis is a special case. You cannot take a special case and make it as a norm.
But the control dynamic is exactly the same. In a non-immigrant situation, the threat is usually something like “report me, and you’ll never see your children again.”
The abuse received from fathers, brothers, and forced husbands cannot be taken in the same light as abuse received from willing, chosen partners, in particular where the woman has had her full faculties (ie not being coerced) in making the decision.
That’s what makes abuse by partners so much more complicated and difficult for women, IMO. They know they made the choice and it’s a difficult decision to abandon the relationship after making that choice. You can run away from home if your father beats you, but it’s a lot harder to run away from the life you have with a partner (such as it is), particularly if there are children involved.
I do pro bono DV representation, and a lot of abuse victims are educated, intelligent women who had no idea their partners were abusive, until they experience the abuse first-hand. I think you’re leaning just a little too heavily on the idea that women know that the guys are bad news, but choose to be with them anyway. I think, in most cases, the women don’t know they’re bad at the outset.
I do, but you’re thinking specific South Asian, long term marriage cases, where this tends to occur, and in those cases I’d say the woman isn’t making a free-thinking decision to enter the relationship in the first place.
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blockquote>a spouse who wants to ensure she cannot so much as go grocery shopping by herself.
I’m sorry, I do not see such extreme behavior simply jumping out of the blue. It’s telegraphed to some degree, and in a setting where the women have the ability to assess character, they’d be able to notice things this egregious.
Well, how do you solve the problem then? keep playing victim, or developing skills to engage in early detection. It just seems to me such pathological behavior will show itself, on either end. it seems like such skill development can only help, and not hurt, given the much touted female powers of intuition?
keep playing victim
First, they’re not “playing” victim, they actually are victims (and yes, I know you didn’t mean it that way, but that particular turn of phrase is something I find truly irksome).
Second, domestic violence advocates do preach detection of the signs, but their audience is largely women who have already seen the signs (usually long after a relationship began) and have already experienced the abuse. As a result, giving women the ability to see the signs is less important than giving them the tools to try to get out of the relationship, and reestablish their own lives.
I can’t imagine why.
To be fair, Amric has his job back and there are apparently 140 members in NYPD’s Desi Society, so the force can’t be that uninviting to the desis. The magazine “The Indian American” (which inexplicably began to arrive in my mail a few months ago, hopefully at no cost to me) just did a major story on 10 or so desi officers in the NYPD. I’d love to link you to it, but the magazine doesn’t seem to have an online archive.
hmf, you are a trip. it might behoove you to educate yourself on the psychology of dv survivors, if you are so inclined — though from your posts, it’s clear you feel you’re already well-informed. this was the point i was trying to make earlier in the thread. dv survivors are most often also survivors of childhood physical, emotional and/or sexual abuse and trauma. since such violence and controlling behavior were an integral part of life growing up, it’s not a stretch to understand that this is what would be appealing in a partner — something that feels like “home” or familiar (again, i am NOT implying that this was the case with the hardat family–violence against women exists on so many levels in the larger world). clarification: the violence is not what feels like home, it’s everything that leads up to it and exists with it: i.e., jealousy on one end of the spectrum feels like love; controlling behavior gets written off as concern for safety and well-being, etc.
also, let’s please keep in mind that all people are multi-dimensional. even the most heinous abusers have one or two redeemable qualities. many abusers are simultaneously charmers. they can be kind, generous, funny, vulnerable, and endearing in the moments/days they are not abusive. after all, many have likely been abused themselves.
a lot of survivors of childhood abuse go into various forms of therapy to change their patterns of behavior, unlearn and de-program the effed up messages they’ve internalized, and find healthier ways of relating to others; many do not for a plethora of reasons (therapy is frowned upon or simply too expensive; they aren’t aware of their options; it’s utterly too painful to pick through the rubble of their past, etc.)
the only responsibility a survivor of dv has is to take the best care of herself she possibly can under the circumstances. and, as i mentioned, this is often hampered by economics, awareness of/access to options, lack of community and support networks, lack of resources and information. the responsibility for violence against another falls squarely on the shoulders of the person committing it. period. read a few books on it, talk to some people in dv shelters, watch a few documentaries. you might surprise yourself.
First of all. It was a skilfull tactic to turn the subject into long term dv victims, when they’ve been in long term relationships, and extending dv’s definitions far into the periphery of all kinds of abuse. The original comment before the milieu was,
Not only are we apparently responsible for getting the shit beat out of us by men we are supposed to be able to trust — brothers, fathers, lovers
the context here was clearly physical abuse and in addition…
the word ‘lovers’ was used instead of spouses, or husbands, the implication with that word is a short term, premarital relationship, ‘dating’ relationship. So all analysis about things growing over time, etc etc I saw as tangential. And perhaps it was in this context I proceeded. And in that context, I stand by my statement, free thinking based choices have consequences whether they be from male perspective or female perspective.
Then those issues need to be dealt with before proceeding into further relationships.
Actually there are quite a few Desi cops in the NYC area. I know of five alone. Most are around my age (27) or younger.
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I wholeheartedly agree. There is just fishy about a 37-year-old with a 22-year-old. With such an age difference, it makes me feel like the older person is somehow exercising some control issue or insecurity in that relationship. Or, perhaps even their inability to successfully adapt to the phase in life they should be in. I think that was the first problem. I know some might say ‘Age Ain’t Nothing But a Number’. Wait, actually Aaliyah said that and she married R.Kelly at 15, so maybe I shouldn’t be agreeing with that song.
This book was recommended to me when I started volunteering with ASHA (it was more recent at the time: http://www.amazon.com/Speaking-Unspeakable-Marital-Violence-Immigrants/dp/0813527937) From the Back Cover
“Domestic violence in immigrant communities has received little attention until now. Speaking the Unspeakable is the first account of South Asian women’s experience with domestic violence (defined as physical, sexual, verbal, mental, or economic control perpetrated on a woman by her spouse or extended kin). Abraham explains how immigration status, cultural assumptions, and unfamiliarity with American social, legal, economic, and other institutions-coupled with stereotyping from mainstream society-make these women especially vulnerable to abuse.
Speaking the Unspeakable gives voice to abused South Asian women. Their stories reveal their weaknesses and strengths as they confront domestic violence. By placing these stories within the larger cultural, social, and political context, the author shows the individual strategies of resistance to abusers as well as the pivotal role South Asian organizations play in helping these women escape abusive relationships.”
Ok, apparently I have no idea how to link: http://www.amazon.com/Speaking-Unspeakable-Marital-Violence-Immigrants/dp/0813527937
Sorry to drag this on, but I just wanted to be clear about this point as well. Verbal abuse of this variety is fully bi-directional, it’s just as hurtful for a man to have his intelligence, family and friends disparaged by his wife/girlfriend. Furthermore, it’s just as abusive to hear comments implying you don’t make enough money, you aren’t wealthy enough, you don’t know how to manage your money, business, whatever,… these statements, which are routinely made, are equally damaging and hurtful, and make a man feel equally worthless.
And if you happen to be dating her, physical abuse could be very imminent. Of course I understand, this is an extreme case, even borderline caricature… not the norm, however if we’re going to open up dv abuse to include non-physical, it’s only fair to acknowledge it’s bi-directional quality.
“And if you happen to be dating her, physical abuse could be very imminent.”
..oh, you dated HER? Explains a lot.
I realize that it’s hugely tempting to speculate about all the different sociological implications of an event like this. And that’s fine! But this was a personal tragedy. Two individuals. It seems like that often gets lost in the rush to shoehorn the event into an example of whatever political axe one feels best fits the situation.
It makes me uncomfortable to chalk it up to patriarchy, or fear of divorce, or white guilt (!!!). None of us knows what really happened here. All we have are quotes from people who knew her, and even those are inevitably heavily edited and presented in a specific way by reporters and editors. I’m getting really annoyed by the way our society treats any ‘shocking’ tragedy as symptomatic of a larger problem. Sometimes a crazy boyfriend is just a crazy boyfriend, y’know? It’s been happening since we lived in caves, and the psychology is as common in WASP neighborhoods as it is among Desi ones.
That’s not to say I’m upset at the blog or any individual poster, though.
Ugh man that was a terrible mixed metaphor and I apologize profusely. Yuck 😛
On the subject of violence against women.
If you go to cnn.com and search under “browse player” and enter “acid attack” a video pop’s up about a Indian woman, who suffer’s from a acid attack, they dont say why, but I will assume that since she is a woman it had something to do with looking at a guy or something of that nature. She suffer’s from burns all over her face and body, but she goes on with treatment and at the end they show her getting married. It was real touching.
On a sad note, the front page of cnn.com has a very graphic video of a iraqi teenage girl being stripped from the waste down and then stoned to death for falling in love with a sunni boy and all these grown men are cheering and throwing stones at her while she lay’s there dying. It was the saddest thing I have ever seen on video.