My yoga is unstoppable

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When I was younger, I was always jealous of the other Asian kids. Why? Because they had kick-ass unarmed martial arts. A Chinese kid could say “Hey, don’t mess with me – I know Kung Fu like Bruce Lee!” What was I going to say in response – “Well, I know Ahimsa like Gandhi?”

And it wasn’t just the Chinese kids. If you were Korean, you could say you knew TaeKwanDo. If you were Japanese, obviously you could claim to know Karate. Sure, India does have martial arts like gatka, wrestling, and Kalaripayattu but nobody had heard of those and I couldn’t even pronounce “Kalaripayattu.”

In fact, the physical activity that India is most known for is Yoga. I like Yoga but it’s not very macho, and how on earth are you going to use it to defend yourself?

In fact, this amazingly paneer filled clip from Yoga vs. Kung Fu is the only time I’ve seen Yoga used in a movie to beat somebody up:

[Yes, it’s dubbed into French. IMHO, that just makes it all better.]

Of course, you could always try to sell Yoga as the perfect adjunct to a more bloodthirsty activity, like shooting guns:

You shoot better when you realize that your soul is a leaf falling through time, and that work shouldn’t equal struggle. And yoga never aligns you with the universe better than when your forearm is still tingling from the buck and recoil of a .357 bullpup.
Someone needs to open a combination shooting range and yoga studio. I’m serious. Maybe I should do it. Hose off a few clips of Glaser safety slugs, then see how deep you can go into Warrior II. The murder rate would go down. No, wait — it would stay the same, but people would realize it’s all part of a bigger plan. [Link]

Maybe that’s the best way to make Yoga more effective as a tool for avenging the wrong done to your master – do Yoga softly, but carry a big Dandasana.

Update:

HMF has reminded me (how could I forget?) of Dhalsim from Street Fighter:

Dhalsim is the original long-range fighter of fighting games. Dhalsim’s intense training has given him the ability to contort and extend his limbs in ways that are physically impossible; he can project his arms and legs outward in order to deliver attacks that would be out of the range of normal limbs… Due to his reach advantage, Dhalsim has both very low offense and defense, making it vital for him to avoid sustaining too many blows from a strong fighter…

Dhalsim can project from his mouth a rapid, immobilizing projectile known as Yoga Fire, and a stationary spread known as the Yoga Flame; later games incorporate the anti-air version known as the Yoga Blast. According to the English language Street Fighter II manual, eating spicy Indian curry gave Dhalsim the ability to breathe fire, but this was rewritten to being a gift from Agni, the Indian god of fire. [Link]

All I can say is that, as with Spiderman, that fire is coming out of the wrong place, man.

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30 thoughts on “My yoga is unstoppable”

  1. Some minor corrections:

    The Korean martial art is spelled Taekwondo which is now mainly a sport. Korea has a more “classical” martial art form known as “Hwarangdo“

    This post deserves mention of the Street Fighter 2 character, Dhalsim. Who’s had formidable moves like, “Yoga Flame” and “Yoga Nuggie”

  3. Y’all do realize that the only way to get Vinod to do Yoga is to put a Yoga Studio on a shooting range 😉

  4. Now LOOK. I know yoga probably isn’t supposed to be geared toward this but check it-I have convinced my coach to require all advanced fighters to go to yoga classes. This not only enhances flexibility training and attentiveness but my coach is convinced that is why I have a neck like a rottweiler. I can take a punch to my head from a man with 70lbs on me. You gotta be able to take a punch.

    We do headstands where one also uses the core to bring the legs up and down from floor to ceiling over and over. Neck stands in boxing classes, neck stretches (also know as shoulderstand by the yoga people) and a whole host of supplemental core training techniques I stole from yoga like the handstand push-up. It most certainly will make me unstoppable.

  5. I once read somewhere that a possible origin for many of the East Asian martial arts was yoga… but don’t quote me on that. ;]

  6. The origin of all martial arts is India. Buddhist monks trained in India and spread it to the rest of Asia. Of course, these arts were not practised by everyone in India and slowly the various arts died out and we now only have a handful of indigenous martial art forms.

  7. I once read somewhere that a possible origin for many of the East Asian martial arts was yoga… but don’t quote me on that. ;]

    This is the reference to Daruma that Shodan makes above. The designation Indian was a bit broader back then…in some stories he is a Tokharian (i.e. some “European looking” people that ended up in the Tarim basin and practiced Buddhism) in others he is a South Indian warrior monk.

    The origin of all martial arts is India. Buddhist monks trained in India and spread it to the rest of Asia. Of course, these arts were not practised by everyone in India and slowly the various arts died out and we now only have a handful of indigenous martial art forms.

    I think the East Asians had martial arts well before the desi interaction. I think what came with the desi buddhist monks was the idea of integrating meditative/yogic practices with their indigenous systems. Who knows though…Indian history is poorly documented. There’s no evidence of a Daruma or Boddharma in Indian lit yet he is a major figure in Zen.

  8. If Streetfighter II was accurate, they’d have given Dhalsim the ability to fight from very close to the ground while on all fours and sometimes while holding an edged weapon or striking weapon (similar to certain forms of Penkac Silat).

    And yeah, I’m feeling the “everything-comes-from-India-Uncle” vibe, too 🙂

    But hey, in this case, it’s actually probably true.

  9. That “not macho” video is awesome, Ennis. Now I’m going back to my Kalari for some payattu much entertained.

  11. man, that was too funny…is being able to put soap on your back completely with one hand while taking a shower a yoga technique? thanks for the light humor.

  14. I also hate to be the everything-comes-fro-India auntie, but the first people who will point this out are Shaolin monks. Have you never seen Manipuri martial artists swordfight? Super bad ass. Sadly, just not well propagated.

  15. There was a fairly badass yoga-fighting Indian character in the ’70s kung-fu classic Master of the Flying Guillotine, whom I believe was the prototype for the Dhalsim character in the Street Fighter games. Highest quality YouTube link I could find. It’s a very cheesy depiction, I warn you.

    Although I think the fight Ennis originally linked to is a HELL of a lot better. Is that movie actually called Yoga vs. Kung Fu? I’m going to have to check it out…

  16. Have you never seen Manipuri martial artists swordfight? Super bad ass. Wow! Thanks for the reference. A quick YouTube search returned these links. I haven’t watched them all, but the second one looks pretty bad-ass. And graceful. Great stuff!

  17. Hey, I own an English-dubbed version of that movie (Kung Fu Vs. Yoga) It is a pretty bad chop-sockey flick, where the dude in blue is supposed to do a bunch of missions, before he can marry his bride. The last mission is to get the gem off the Yoga chap’s turban. The clip cuts off a bit of the details. In the middle of the clip, after the two guys are lying around the broken pot, the yoga dude tells them to go home, as they can’t beat him. As it turns out, the pot contains an aphrodisiac (the yoga guy is a sex therapist, apparently), so the first Kung Fu guy gets real horny and has to take a bath to wash it all off. They then hit upon the bright idea of going back in disguise and using some glue to trap the yoga master. The second time around, they manage to trap the yoga master with the glue (as seen in the clip) and get the jewel from his Turban. Incidentally, the first Chinese guy asks if it is ok to leave the yoga master stuck like that and the second one says that it is no problem, since he’s facing Mecca.

    End of the movie has the guy in Blue coming back to his bride-to-be and saying that he’s finished the three tasks and finds her quite pregnant. Turns out his sidekick has been sleeping with her :).

  18. There was a fairly badass yoga-fighting Indian character in the ’70s kung-fu classic Master of the Flying Guillotine, whom I believe was the prototype for the Dhalsim character in the Street Fighter games

    You are absolutely correct.

    It is a pretty bad chop-sockey flick, where the dude in blue is supposed to do a bunch of missions

    I have seen the film as well. It’s the Western stereotyper’s wet dream. I’ve probably seen more Shaw Brothers, 70’s-80’s style, Yuen-Woo Ping, Kung-Fu flicks than anyone here, I’m talking Lau Kar Fai’s Master Killer, 5 deadly venoms, and the original Wong Fei Hong, of Fosan. (circa 1940).

    So I feel especially authorized to say this: Don’t use the term chop-sockey any more.

  19. My teacher(not indian) says that chinese martial arts grew out of the self defence techniques which indian buddhist monks needed on their travels to chinese monasteries. anybody else know about this?

  20. My teacher(not indian) says that chinese martial arts grew out of the self defence techniques which indian buddhist monks needed on their travels to chinese monasteries. anybody else know about this?

    Bodhidharma traveled from Bodh Gaya to East asia to teach his particular branch of Zen Buddhism, martial arts grew out of a need to keep monks awake and physically fit while practicing Buddhist meditation techniques. It started out as gym class more or less, there’s a good movie called “Top Fighter” that talks about this in more detail.

  21. everything-comes-from-india- payal (#19), That’s my understanding too. Its possible however that HMF’s version may be true in part or completely. I think the self-defence theory makes sense as the Buddhist monks were supposed to not carry arms, or a lot of worldly (and/or protective)goods, hence the development of self-defence techniques that uses body parts as weapons. And the whole thing with meditation, self-control, and focus etc. ties into ‘monk-ishness’ of the travelers as well.

  22. Its possible however that HMF’s version may be true in part or completely

    Oh please don’t. You flatter me.

    And the whole thing with meditation, self-control, and focus etc. ties into ‘monk-ishness’ of the travelers as well.

    Bodhidharma’s influence is acknowledged by the Shaolin ministry. As for other Chinese martial art forms, not grown from the Shaolin temple, there’s evidence both sides.

    One thing’s for sure now: they kick ass. We dance under trees.

  23. I think this film is symbolic of the tensions between China and India as both countries try to assert themselves regionally. We might be double jointed human love jalebis, but damn it they have buckets of glue and aren’t afraid to use them.

    I am skeptical of the attribution of East Asian martial arts to the Desh as Daruma is an apocryphal figure at best, but I don’t want to be a killjoy and will join in with this tidbit: Daruma invented tea. He grew frustrated with his desire for sleep, ripped off his eyelids and tossed them to the ground where they grew into tea plants.

  27. HMF-you dance under trees?

    Only when I can’t find empty fields.

    Seriously, though this whole bidness of where martial arts was invented is useless anyway, lets assume there was unequivocal evidence to prove India invented modern MA. it only shames us further by not solidly developing it in our national culture. It’s like we’ve too busy arranging marriages.

  29. I was thinking… I make so many spelling mistakes on a daily basis, maybe they switched the “I” & “T”. It could happen, all of a sudden: Martial becomes Marital