Some paragraphs were accidentally omitted from Somini Sengupta’s recent article on Chaat and other Delhi street foods in the New York Times. Because I am a super-devoted-Somini Sengupta groupie (a “Sengroupie,” you could call me), I was sent the missing paragraphs as a gift, under strict order not to reveal my sources:
The reporter visits a lost alleyway in Mastinagar, a suburb of Delhi. In the alley are an endless variety of special chaat stalls unknown to western taste-buds and unimagined by western food tourists. This is as “street†as it gets; if pressed, the people of this alley all state that they have never been near an air-conditioner or even a piece of plastic. Indeed, it is highly unclear whether the residents of Mastinagar have ever been outside Mastinagar, or even know that their “Shehr†is in the city and state of Delhi (indeed, one resident referred to the city, rather anachronistically, as “Tughlakabad”). In the lost alley, one finds an almost infinite variety of Chaats, some of which were tasted by a reporter. A short list of the highlights follows:
Orientalist Chaat: This type of chaat will fulfill all your desires for mystical knowledge and understanding, and set your brain on fire. If this chaat is eaten, it is said, the eater will learn a thousand yoga poses (a DVD is included), a thousand Sanskrit chants that will lead to Enlightenment, and perpetual unity of mind and body in pure relaxation bliss. After eating, you will have reached the other side of the moon, tasted the stars, found the ergonomically perfect chair, and finally know the answer to the question, Why Did the Bodhi-Dharma Leave For the East? (NOTE: Insiders report that Orientalist Chaat is exactly the same as regular Chaat, only 10,000 times more expensive.)
Erotic Chaat: This chaat is an aphrodisiac composed entirely of garlic and crushed Viagra powder. Not especially tasty, but surprisingly “potent,” as a reporter subsequently discovered.
Chaat Feng Shui: This Chaat, which is composed entirely of wind, water, and garam masala, is not meant to be eaten, but rather dispersed around a room in need of redecoration. Pirated Chaat Feng Shui originates from China, which continues to flood the Indian market with inexpensive rip-offs of actual Feng Shui. Message Chaat: Kiwi, lime, mustard seeds, and ice cubes. Once the ice cubes have melted on your tongue, it is said, your message has been telepathically sent to the individual you are thinking of (the strength of the message is increased if the recipient has also eaten chaat recently). This type of Chaat is especially popular with Delhi’s young men, who are notoriously shy when it comes to talking to women they are not closely related to.
Immunity Chaat: The demons that chase you will be temporarily silenced by this chaat. Their multifarious coloration will be neutralized to blue, and the eater will suddenly be able to eat the blinking blue demons for extra points. This Chaat is also said to protect the eater from “Delhi Belly,” and is generally eaten by those who are planning to go on to eat other Chaats. As a result, some Chaat addicts of Mastinagar jokingly refer to Immunity Chaat as the “Gateway Chaat.”
Absolut Pani Puri: Absolut Pani puri is essentially regular Pani Puri (admittedly, not a “Chaat” per se), only with shots of Vodka instead of “pani.†This is thought to have been invented either at a rave party in Goa, or by the members of an Indian-American college fraternity, Delta Epsilon Sigma Iota. It was perfected at the Official Bhangra Blowout After-Party, 2003.
Penn Masala Chaat: This chaat tastes a little syrupy, but it is known to cause the eater to burst into spontaneous acapella renditions of Bollywood tunes.
Raagapella Chaat: Raagapella Chaat is ssentially similar to Penn Masala Chaat, but with a funny/clever desi-ized version of “Motel.” Many insiders predict Raaagapella Chaat will soon give Penn Masala Chaat a run for its money.
Gandi Chaat: Universally known as the best, most sublime form of chaat of all, Gandi chaat (also known as “Drrrty Chaat”) is exceptionally rare. This chaat is made of pure, ancient Indian dirt, and is served with ketchup. What constitutes the dirt is of course a strictly guarded secret; insiders say it comes from tribal regions of India that have never once been visited by outsiders, where all the inhabitants are albinos. Food archeologists have been desperate to understand the properties of this mysterious form of chaat, and have repeatedly tried to have samples sent by secure couriers to western labs for analysis. But the Drrrty Chaat is so addictive that no courier has every withstood temptation — and the Chaat has always somehow gotten eaten along the way. All the couriers have also mysteriously died, leading to the rumor that this Chaat, if ingested outside of India, will lead to instantaneous death.
(What other varieties of Chaat can be found in Mastinagar?)
Self-Reflexive Chaat: the bitchy chaat which looks back at you and asks, “Why always the food, madam?” 🙂
K i really must work.
Haha!! Everything tastes better with ketchup!
Off the chaat The chaat that lets you extrapolate your ass into this side of Nirvana. Kibblesandbits chaat Specially fortified with melamine so you can eat your chaat and the plate its served on.
Ha! Love it.
Gandi Chaat: secret dirt includes machars mashed together with sweat and boogers. Fengshui Chaat: aka Vastushastra chaat Absolut Panipuri: official sponsor of Garba 2007 in Edison.
FDR was famous for his Fireside Chaat.
With sexy Parisian masala at ‘Du Chaat noir’. Turn right at Montmarte, look for the thelawala with the sequinned pasties.
Mmm…my favorite…except for the fact that you have to make your own salt for it.
Chit Chaat: a tasty snack much loved by examinees and feared by invigilators.
Amardeep, I love the satire.
chit-chaat : An american chaat fan friend of mine, likes to remind me everytime that it would make a great restaurant name.
invigilators: Do they use that word in American english ?
No, but they don’t say chits either.
Maybe OT, but they say ‘proctors‘ 🙂 And they don’t like it when you chit-chaat !
Khat Chaat: for those occasions when you just want to chat…..a lot.
Chaaterati —- macacas who wander from chaat to chaat.
I can’t believe it, but I LOLed at that. just a little bit.
Lovely game. We really must do a Bengali Mishti version of it sometime soon.
Chaat Erall : to keep you awake and focused, and away from SM, as you prep for finals
Very funny! Actually, vodka pani puris were perfected not at some rave party, but by a restaurant in Delhi called Punjabi By Nature (excellent north Indian food, esp the raan!!), and have become VERY popular at Delhi weddings in the last few years, creating long lines of aunties behind the chaat table furtively downing their golgappa “paani.” I kid you not, I was told about this by a Punjabi aunty. Personally I prefer the pani puris at Roshan halwai on Ajmal Khan Road (mmmmmmmm) and prefer to get my drinks straight up at Patiala Peg.
Punjabi By Nature is sooooooo yum!!! Their fish tikka is to die for. And the garlic naan: heaven.
(chaaterall takes about an hour to kick in. take with a meal and 8 oz of water)
Kali Chaat–Like regular chaat but with dark brown dye infused chutney. Turns pale skinned eater’s skin brown, accent Indian, thereby allowing him/her to buy tickets for the Taj Mahal at 15 rupees, not 700 and Indian Airlines tickets at local rates. Brown users skin tone is unaffected, but their passport is temporarily changed to Indian, with similar effects at the Taj Mahal and the Indian Airlines counter. Not tested yet on users of other skin types but believed to have the same effect as that on pale skinned eaters.
Hahaha! Loved this post, Amardeep. It took me back to the days of my youth, of growing up lustful but mousily middle-class in the India of the late ’80s. When, as it were, the flesh was willing but the spirit was weak. Those were, thus, the days when I and all the other lads were willing to believe in the existence of the palangtod paan.
Alas that one grows old! Even if the palangtod paan exists, one realises now that things are rather too complex for the paan to do all that it is alleged to do.
Is that the place in the Imperial Hotel?
Yes. Described in Fodor’s guide as “an intimate masculine old-world bar”. Maybe they should serve some Erotic Chaat too!
Yes, it’s the one at the Imperial. Has lots of old pics of the Patiala royal family on the walls, lovely clubby decor, and does actually serve Patiala pegs (i.e. double pegs!) Expensive, but worth visiting occasionally (much better than the avg Delhi hotel bar).
Everyone who visits Delhi should try Roshan, btw. Absolutely incomparable. It’s even better than the South Extension market chaatwala and Bengali market ditto.
Roshan used to be very famous for its kulfi among die hard Delhi-wallahs like my dad who grew up in old Delhi. I agree that South Extension and Bengali market are overrated. My favorites are still Prabhu chaatwala by the Union Public Service Commission at Shahjahan Road (who I knew since he had a single basket under a tree) and the guy at Sundar Nagar market for aloo chaat and fruit chaat. There are places in Chandini Chowk and Darya Ganj which are also fabulous but I haven’t been there for at least 10 years.
NotQuiteAuntieYet, we seem to have similar families 😉 I actually found the Sundar Nagar guy really mediocre, I’m afraid, was dragged there by my father who raved about it from his youth, and he was disappointed too. Roshan’s golgappas are just sublime, as good as I remember them from childhood. Didn’t try the kulfi-falooda, however. I went back to Karol Bagh after maybe 20 years thanks to the new metro which makes it fairly easy to avoid the atrocious traffic (the metro goes to Chandni Chowk as well, you still have to deal with the incredible crush on the streets but it’s soooo worth it for Natraj bhallas and for Kareem’s). Pusa Road station (for Karol Bagh) even has a new gigantic, luridly-coloured Hanuman statue next to it for added gawking value.
Sounds like it! Are you by any chance my cousin Sameera — if so, call your mom, she’s mad at you 🙂
I’m sad to hear that.. he was such a childhood favorite of mine (after a trip to the zoo), I guess nothing remains the same. I will have to try Roshan’s chaat.. I don’t usually have a reason to go to Ajmal Khan Road but metro+golgappas+gigantic lurid Hanuman sounds like an irresistable combination! I love Karim’s too. Have you eaten kachori-alu with lassi at Mithan Halwai in the walled city? OK I have to stop. My breakfast today was low fat yoghurt and Ezekiel bread!
It’s been more than 15 years, but I used to like the chaatwala in Kamla Nagar market. He used to put grated ginger on top on the papri chaat.
Mmm, strips of ginger and fresh anardana on top of chaat is such a Delhi thing. Anardana in aloo kulchas, too. My tummy is growling.
I was amused to read that Ghantewala on Chandni Chowk was mentioned as existing during the time of the 1857 revolt in William Dalrymple’s new book The Last Mughal. Does anyone know which Ghantewala is the “real” one? I think there was the classic brothers-split and now there are two, I went to one that kind of sucked but my grandfather used to rave about “the” Ghantewala.
We should make a Google Earth map of yummy places and the best chaat in Old Delhi.
My grandmother (who was from the Mathura-Vrindavan area who married a fifth generation Dilli-walla) strongly disapproved of anardana. For some reason, this was further evidence of the general lack of civilization of Dilli-walas. The Dilli-wallas in turn felt exactly the same way about Punjabis (I forget what they disapprove of, the list is so long!) Funny how every group finds someone to despise!
Re. Ghantawala, there are two, one closer to the Red Fort and Jama Masjid and the other near the Phuwwara(the fountain). I think the one at Phuwarra is the good one, but the one near the Red Fort is at the original location. but I am not 100% sure.
Hehe. I really like the anardana, and love it in Lebanese food too, they do a great baba ghannoug with chopped yellow peppers and fresh anardana and tons of fruity olive oil. Will be going to Delhi this summer and shall scope out both Ghantewalas for a compare and contrast (all in the name of science…)
We will wait for your results eagerly- you are a Hero of Science!
Adult chaat : Consumers must be 18 or older. $1.99 per minute of pure fun. Operators are, well…, standing by.