Do You Want to Know What’s Under my Blouse, too? ;)

Posted on by

my desk.jpg In the kitchen one recent morning…

“Anna! How are you?”

“I’m well Asif, thank you for asking. And you?”

“Ah…busy with _____, but you know how that is.”

“Yes. That’s why I’m caffeinating.”

“What you are drinking?”

“Espresso concentrate and milk.”

“Cold?”

“Yeah. It’s good.”

“Don’t you like tea?”

“I do, but I’m more of a coffee drinker. It’s a South Indian thing.”

“Where your parents are from?”

“Kerala.”

“Where that is?”

“Madras.”

“Ah, Madras. But you were born here.” “Yup. California.”

“Your parents are still there?”

“Yes…you could say that.”

“What they do?”

“Engineer and Nurse. Another Malaya- I mean…South Indian thing.”

“How much your dad make?”

“He’s retired.”

“Oh. How long you live here?”

“Um…on and off for the last eight years? I came here for school.”

“Which school? The Georgetown?”

“No…The GW, more like.”

“You took Bachelor’s?”

“No. Master’s.”

“In what?”

“Both of my degrees are in political science.”

“Then…why you are here doing CMMI? Why aren’t you doing politics?”

“I did. For almost ten years. I’m done.”

“VAT! For ten years! How old–?

“32.”

“I thought you were a teenager when I first saw you, that you were Jaspreet’s daughter…but you are older than me even!”

“Come on, yaar. How could I work here if I were a teenager?”

“I don’t know…Indian kids in this country…they smart.”

“That’s cute.”

“I thought you had Bsc, that maybe you are 21, 22…not 32.”

“Nope. 32. Stale ovum and all.”

“Vat?”

“Nothin’”

“No wonder your Dad retired. No wonder you no live with parents.”

“Yes, that and the commute would be treacherous.”

“Where you live?”

“Dupont Circle…near Adams Morgan.”

“Oho…very close, in the city.”

“Yup.”

“How much you pay?”

“Uh…I…pay…around…”

He starts motioning with his right hand, as if to say, “Get on with it!”

“I…um…it’s…almost tuh…welve…hun…dred?”

“Hmm. That’s too much. You should live in Virginia. Much cheaper.”

“I actually moved here from Arlington…and it’s way cheaper than out there, not that I’m comfortable with discussing any of this…um…stuff.”

“Why not?”

“Nevermind.”

“You live alone?”

“Yes.”

“So you pay all $1200.”

“Uh…yeah.”

“How long it take you to get to work?”

“Well, it’s a 10 minute walk to the Metro…then it’s three stops plus a 5 minute-“

“Three stops! That’s it??”

“Yeah…it’s part of why I wanted to live there. Very well-located.”

“Then you must get here so fast!”

“About 30 minutes, door-to-door. The red line is good like that.”

“I have one hour commute, both ways.”

“Ah, yeah, that would wear on me.”

“But I only pay $700.”

“Right.”

“So I save more money than you.”

“Quite probably.”

“Why you not like saving?”

“I’m American.”

“You are Indian!”

“Fine, but my bank account sure ain’t. I have to go…my spreadsheets await.”

“You want me to look for apartment for you? Cheaper!”

“No, that’s beyond sweet of you though.”

“Okay. You may not save money…but…at least you look so young when you are that old!”

“Would that I could pay my rent with that…”

::

Just so we’re clear, I think this entire exchange was dear; in fact, Asif is one of my favorite people here. Much like 2005’s The only time I’m not “from India” recorded a different, yet similarly very brown moment in my life, I wrote this post because I think it’s amusing that the only people who ask about my rent…are other desis. 🙂

Are we the only ones who do this? Immediately and bluntly interrogate others about monetary matters like salary, rent and how much some new purchase cost? I need to ask my non-brown friends…

112 thoughts on “Do You Want to Know What’s Under my Blouse, too? ;)”

  1. I read through this post quickly b/c I’ve had this discussion before with an aunty-type at work – only thing missing were: ‘when you are you having another kid? Oh really? Why not?” and “how much did you get your house for?”

    To get out of this discussion, the key is to turn the table around. Even if you don’t CARE about them, start asking questions. These nosey people also like to talk about themselves. They’re like 3 yr olds who keep asking “why”.. keep the conversation going.

  2. Personally if I know someone is sizing me up and trying to judge me and it’s happened with uncles/aunties where they are trying to figure out if their son/daughter is making more than you; I have no qualms with totally lying about the figures just to throw them a loop make them think and shut up. Who cares. So far no one’s asked me for my W2 to prove it!

  3. To Maitri ( # 38)

    Dear Maitri,

    I feel for you and totally understand why you want to keep away from “family friends” and assorted uncles/aunts/cousins

    However, its usually harmless and out of a misplaced sense of duty/love/’well-wishing’-ness whatever.

    Its an art to learn to deflect the questions 😉 and give them just enough info to keep them guessing

  4. Too much uncle/auntie bashing going on here. Don’t you know that even when we are downright rude and offensive, we have your best interests at heart?

  5. Holy Cow

    Anna, when did you change the title of this post? OK, I’ll take back my question, Can we have the original Title

  6. Too much uncle/auntie bashing going on here. Don’t you know that even when we are downright rude and offensive, we have your best interests at heart?

    Awww, of course we know that. 🙂 Besides you’re hardly downright rude and offensive, Florida-Uncle. 😀

  7. Yay, she’s back. Just in time for World Cup. Remember ANNA, you were going to be SM’s cricket correspondent? Since this post is about nagging uncles and such, I thought I’d bring it up.

  8. that even when we are downright rude and offensive, we have your best interests at heart?

    Only then we know. Normally when aunties/uncles are being nice and sweet, they are looking for something else. Again, personal experience.

    @roonie

    misplaced sense of duty/love/’well-wishing’-ness whatever.

    The above should answer your misplaced sense of what they are acctually doing.

  9. my friend mentioned this topic at lunch so I’ve deceided to add my comment; I’m african american and his inquisitiveness is not just a desi thing. I’ve been asked all sorts of questions by other african americans, especially about my marital status. In terms of residence, they start (in New York) with boro, then which part of the boro, then a comment about it. Salary is a no-no usually, because we’re terrified someone will start bugging us for money (Hey, do you have 10 bucks until Thursday/Friday?) Another problem is that everyone assumes that if you’re from the south, you know everything about the south. South Carolina is not Mississippi. Get it straight.

  10. I think in general people of any group – whether race or religion or gender – feel free to ask potentially un-PC questions if they feel comfortable enough. Immigrants may take this to an extreme, as in if you’re in a new country you could simply feel comfortable with someone because they look like you…

  11. Just curious what brought about the change in title from “bra size” to “What’s under my blouse”?

  12. I had a gas station attendent question me closely about all these matters and more…getting as specific as to ask me what street I live on. I’m in a small town, so telling him my street was like telling him where I lived. As he was asking, I slowly moved my ring to my ring finger and waved it copiously around, pretending I was engaged.

    Then, when my boyfriend came into town, we made sure to get gas there… “Vat is this?” “Vat is..wha…Oh, this is Ravi.” “No…VAT is this…relation, relation.” “Oh…my…um…fiance.”

    Too funny.

  13. Hariprasad, discretion is the better part of valor.

    Anna, nice to see ya! You’ve got a great ear for dialogue. Rings true all the way.

  14. I used to get a lot but not so much anymore. Now, I take control of the conversation so that uncomfortable questions don’t even come up.

  15. So good to see you back, Anna. You’ve been missed.

    And yes, the title of the post reminded me of this.

  18. I used to get a lot but not so much anymore. Now, I take control of the conversation so that uncomfortable questions don’t even come up.

    I just take off my shirt at the beginning of the conversation, just to pre-empt the request.

  19. Ever since I got to Delhi, I’ve been fielding such questions by everyone I meet on a social basis. “How old are you?” “Are you married?” “How come your husband is not here?” “You don’t have kids? Why not?” and of course “How much money do you make?”

    I answer pretty much all but the last one honestly.. and I don’t feel offended… the last question I just tell them “Not enough, since the US government wants half of it!” and they laugh and the subject drops.

    Part of my work is on teaching differences between American and Indian culture … this is one of the things we have talked about. In India, a lot of questions that Americans would consider too personal are seen as perfectly normal. But then again, it’s the Americans who put their whole lives up on reality TV … so it’s a tradeoff, I guess.

  20. Gujjubhai, that’s too much! 🙂

    Hahaha..what’re the chances of that!! 🙂 :-). Our rat brains must be firing off at the same time.

    BTW, love reading your blog….it’s quite awesome.

  21. Well, if that’s what’s under there, here’s how it goes.

    (The user comments are priceless in themselves.)

  22. In India, a lot of questions that Americans would consider too personal are seen as perfectly normal.

    in the US, much of it is a competition of perfectionistic self-presentation. Research says that is a maladaptive self-presentational style composed of three facets: 1. perfectionistic self-promotion (proclaiming and displaying one’s perfection) 2. nondisplay of imperfection (concealing and avoiding behavioral demonstrations of one’s imperfection), and 3. nondisclosure of imperfection (evading and avoiding verbal admissions of one’s imperfection). [link]

    When I seriously play this game, I beat most people I know. But sometimes I try acting stupid in American gatherings – just to violate expectations, and see the fun.

    Perfection is boring, lifeless, dull.

  23. Funny thread.

    And the punch line ennis sez

    I just take off my shirt at the beginning of the conversation, just to pre-empt the request.

    hey… be nice y’all. i htink this is sweet. i love me some friendly questioning – including the guy who just brought in my kapi without knocking at the door – and kept peering over my shoulder until he asked – how much is my laptop and my camera – then he waggled his head and smiled. more innocenti than the pope.

    erm.

  24. b) Your vignette is yet another reason I keep my distance from extended family and “family friends.” Homeys have no concept of privacy or personal space.

    aw man! you got to be kidding. they are the only ones who would drive an hour in “bumper to bumper” traffic to pick you up at the airport, give you a hot meal when you get to their place at 2 am and take time out in the evening to show you the local sights… give some and take some.

    duty is a wonderful thing.

  26. This sort of intrusive questioning is usually confined to relatives (no matter if they haven’t met you in years) and close family friends in North India. In Bombay, people will talk about property and what you paid for your flat, of course, but very little direct nosiness (not that they don’t care – they do, they’re just more subtle in how they find out). But in the US, I find, desis, particularly those who migrated there, see every other desi as “family,” and even the grocery store guy will ask how much rent you pay (and also offer to help you out with all sorts of mundane things). It’s the usual desi networkiness on speed.

  28. People from India and some other countries tend to ask a lot personal questions because of hierarchical nature of their societies. People from these societies find it easier to relate & interact with each other if they are in some form of hierarchy. Criteria for hierarchy can be anything: salary, job, education, martial status, caste, class.. So these personal questions serve two important functions: 1. To add a person into a hierarchy by figuring out a position for other person relative to themselves or others in a hierarchy. 2. To maintain the hierarchy by finding out if a person perceived to be lower in hierarchy needs help and then providing unsolicited advice and help i.e. they justify their higher position in hierarchy.

    People from hierarchical societies tend to have very flexible or no ego boundaries and flexible personal space for above mentioned reasons.

  29. Arul, the need for status signalling is actually lower in societies with entrenched hierarchy, like most of India, because someone can place you easily with you last name (caste indicator), whether you speak English and how well, how you are dressed, and so on. Desis in the US are more likely to come into contact with desis from a wider geographical area and quite frankly, to speak to those from different social classes as equals. I think that’s why the status-positioning is more frantic. Plus people assume that everyone went to the US for the money, so even if you’re a poor grad student you get asked how much you make and how much rent you pay.

    Your point #2 above is a good one, though. Desis definitely establish hierarchy through patronage and “helping” others out, which then gives you the right to tell others how to live their lives, because you’ve taken responsibility for them. Happens in families too, all the time. Very Marcel Mauss.

  31. YAY..anna is back :D. Why is it there are like almost no southies in the socal area?? 🙁

  32. People from these societies find it easier to relate & interact with each other if they are in some form of hierarchy.

    Not hierarchy, but location. Lesser mortals are curious to know what happened to the body (public), to understand where is the mind (private).

  33. ANNA good to see you are back!

    This post is hilarious and so true. It’s kind of endearing though, in DC the rent question comes up a lot too from friends and randoms and the whole line of questioning is something I get from a lot of cab drivers in the city. Floridian, we know you uncles and aunties only care about us and if you didn’t show it in this way us betis and betas would be missing out on the commisserating/laughing with the African, Chinese, Jewish, Middle Eastern, etc young people in our lives. It’s definitely not unique to the desi people I know, but a community thing I think. It’s all out of love though sometimes it can be, depending on your mood, very annoying.

    Its an art to learn to deflect the questions 😉 and give them just enough info to keep them guessing

    Haha, runa I totally agree.

    As far as being mistaken for another desi sub-group…I think it’s really funny when random aunties and uncles ask you where your parents are from/where you were born–I reply Bombay–and then go on to talk about you to your face in Tamil. Good times as I just smile to myself and reply in Tamil;) Throws people for a loop.

  34. People who rent anywhere in the US tend to talk about the costs, though the approach in asking about it might not be the same!!

  35. Man, I ask my non-desi friends about rent all the time. It’s part of living in a city, especially if you’re in an awesome apartment in a cool part of town. At the same time, it’s pretty rude to adopt the “you got screwed, you should be more like me” attitude.

    My favorite Desi “streetcorner interrogation” actually happened on a train. This guy struck up conversation with me on the El and, after running through the various questions on school, job (complete with advice about how I should go to medical school and/or become an engineer, naturally), region, family, marriage (and how I totally should, ASAP), friends (and how I should only hang out with other Desis), etc… leaned in and asked where was a good place to meet women. I took it kind of good-naturedly, although I didn’t really know what to say. I tend to meet women by, I dunno, doing normal things. I wasn’t going to send him to the local random college hookup skank bar, obviously. In fact, after the tirade about drunk Westerners I wasn’t going to tell him to go to a bar at all. So I’m basically bullshitting (“uhm, I don’t know, maybe the temple?”) when he leans in and says “no, no, I mean a woman for just one night. You see, I’ve been here for several months, and I’m VERY LONELY” and stares at me meaningfully.

    I don’t know how you all would react to that. I could barely keep myself from laughing and I got off the train at the next stop. I kind of feel bad for the guy in retrospect, but seriously, asking some random guy you just met on the train (and talked to for maybe 10 minutes) where to find a prostitute HAS to violate some sort of social norm even in India doesn’t it?

  36. Personally if I know someone is sizing me up and trying to judge me and it’s happened with uncles/aunties where they are trying to figure out if their son/daughter is making more than you; I have no qualms with totally lying about the figures just to throw them a loop make them think and shut up. Who cares. So far no one’s asked me for my W2 to prove it!

    This is an awesome idea, JoAT! We could totally disrupt the Desi Groupmind Status Calculation Algorithm by giving all sorts of false data about how much artisanal breadmakers, radio documentary producers, and middle school math teachers make. Can’t you just see the hoard of Desi kids popping up in modern dance companies because their parents heard somewhere that you can make $100,000 immediately after college?

  37. When I moved to a new city in the US, an Indian woman whom I work with asked me in which part of the city I was planning to settle in. I mentioned I was going to live in downtown, because thats where all the bars and clubs are;-) And she literally had a fit. She was all ‘you must live with all the other south asians in X (a more suburban ghetto) and no one ( meaning people like her) lives in downtown’. What really pissed me was I had never asked for her opinion. And her unsolicited questions about the rent I pay, my water and electricity bills and why I spend so much on clothes and makeup really bothered me. I have never met such a blatantly inquisitive and annoying person such as her, but I would put it down to a toxic personality than her country of origin.

  38. Why is it there are like almost no southies in the socal area?? 🙁

    Here I am! It’s bc they are all in NY, Texas and Florida it seems.

    P.S. ooo Syler sucks

    Our people are blunt and too involved…sometimes I love it because it can be refreshing. Other times I smile and try to change the subject.

  39. SP, I don’t think status signaling is lower in India. Within a caste based community people interact with each other under some hierarchical setup. Moreover it is not easy to figure out caste in southindia and maharastra where people use village names as their last names or surnames, and there are many parallel castes with no clear hierarchy between them, so caste alone is not sufficient. Basically there is a need for hierarchy for people from these societies because thats what they are used to since their childhood. Btw hierarchy need not be a multi level structure, it can be, for example, a simple senior-junior relationship between two persons based on their age.

  40. Neale, the story of your encounter with lecturing desi wanting a hooker is just too priceless. And typical. I’m all for subverting the desi status groupmind by spreading exaggerated figures of what you can make in a non-banking career!

  41. Neale, the story of your encounter with lecturing desi wanting a hooker is just too priceless. And typical.

    typical, yes.

    déjà vu anyone? seniors? the pioneers?

  42. Asking about Kids, I’ve always been heard/seen by immediate family to never broach the topic lest the couple/spouse in question feels bad. Even my Nosey Garndma prods about where you bought a Saree and for how much and not about kids/Pay. However, they bug/discuss with others the same topics about a person if they have reasons to believe that one might know. Great Indian Generalization:

    American A and B meet at a restaurant, and talk (rather loudly) about themselves; A goes on with a list of personal likes/dislikes and on cue B continues. Rationale, the most PC topic is talk about is one’s own likes/dislikes in food.

    Indian A and B meet at a a restaurant, they are dissecting C and each other’s food – former rather softly, the other rather loudly (or maybe its a ploy to drown one with the other). Talkign about C is the best way to stay out of each other’s hair and feel good about each other

  43. <

    blockquote>Pathanamthitta

    <

    blockquote>

    WOW!!! i’m so excited to see this in print, so to speak … i have a lot of childhood memories from here … and just visited there for 3 extremely short days … i’m missing that place terribly 🙁

    I remember , back in the Desh, most of the nurses came from this town. Am I generalising or is it true?

    during part of my trip, i was in madras/chennai (the actual city) … and as i was explaining that i would be going to pathanamthitta … one uncle immediately knew it as he said “it has the highest population of NRIs than any other district in India” … i don’t know if this is true, but was glad to have another anecdote for pathanamthitta, besides the standard “it near sabarimala” .. so you nurses comment probably is a generalization, but it most likely true as well 😉

    i was also confused with the kerala = madras comment … but as i’ve never heard of it referred that way … but then again everyone in my family still refers to any country in the middle east as Persia … so go figure

  45. was also confused with the kerala = madras comment … but as i’ve never heard of it referred that way …

    Okay. Kerala obviously does not = Madras and ANNA is aware of that. To clarify what was meant, since this part of the post seems inexplicably murky: when faced with a situation where her conversational partner had no clue where Kerala was, a girl in a hurry offered up the nearest “well-known-to-Northies” city she could come up with. In the spirit of the REST of the conversation, during which ANNA was uncharacteristically succinct, one can see that in this context, “Madras” was used humorously, not literally.

    I repeat, Kerala is the state next to Tamil Nadu, where the city of Madras is (don’t make me call it that other name, I refuse…I refuse!!). We in the bunker are all aware of that. Thank you for your time and remember to vote Abhi in ’28.

  46. I’m just imagining what will happen once desis discover sex as a conversational topic. Then that nosy neighbor will be asking you not just about your salary, rent and friends but also how and how often you get freaky …

  47. I have NEVER, in my ENTIRE life, met an Indian who had never heard of Kerala. Maybe the guy in question is from a different desi country? I can accept that there might be a 2nd gen person who has never heard of Kerala, but a homegrown Indian? Anybody with enough education to come to the US would at least have a general idea of where it was. I think this has come up on this site before and I still refuse to believe that it’s true.

  48. Anybody with enough education to come to the US would at least have a general idea of where it was. I think this has come up on this site before and I still refuse to believe that it’s true.

    I have met those people and I will meet those people. It has to be understood that not everyone who comes here (from India) is educated. Try walking into a gas station at the middle of nowhere and you will know what I am talking about.

    The person in question might not fit the above description, but trust me, we Indians are not as good in geography as everyone assumes us to be.

  49. Since the whole Kerala/Madras question is so touchy, why not (a) respond to Nosy Kitchen Guy and (b) respect geography at the same time by saying “Kerala’s in South India.” Everybody’s entitled to their opinion. Mine is that using the term Madras as a blanket just perpetuates its over-generalization. I wince when North Indians refer to all South Indians as Madrasis. Option (c) is to say, “Well, if YOU don’t know, I’m sure not telling you.”

  50. Sorry to hear that the author is down to a single ovum at age 32. Are you sure you don’t have ova?