Do You Want to Know What’s Under my Blouse, too? ;)

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my desk.jpg In the kitchen one recent morning…

“Anna! How are you?”

“I’m well Asif, thank you for asking. And you?”

“Ah…busy with _____, but you know how that is.”

“Yes. That’s why I’m caffeinating.”

“What you are drinking?”

“Espresso concentrate and milk.”

“Cold?”

“Yeah. It’s good.”

“Don’t you like tea?”

“I do, but I’m more of a coffee drinker. It’s a South Indian thing.”

“Where your parents are from?”

“Kerala.”

“Where that is?”

“Madras.”

“Ah, Madras. But you were born here.” “Yup. California.”

“Your parents are still there?”

“Yes…you could say that.”

“What they do?”

“Engineer and Nurse. Another Malaya- I mean…South Indian thing.”

“How much your dad make?”

“He’s retired.”

“Oh. How long you live here?”

“Um…on and off for the last eight years? I came here for school.”

“Which school? The Georgetown?”

“No…The GW, more like.”

“You took Bachelor’s?”

“No. Master’s.”

“In what?”

“Both of my degrees are in political science.”

“Then…why you are here doing CMMI? Why aren’t you doing politics?”

“I did. For almost ten years. I’m done.”

“VAT! For ten years! How old–?

“32.”

“I thought you were a teenager when I first saw you, that you were Jaspreet’s daughter…but you are older than me even!”

“Come on, yaar. How could I work here if I were a teenager?”

“I don’t know…Indian kids in this country…they smart.”

“That’s cute.”

“I thought you had Bsc, that maybe you are 21, 22…not 32.”

“Nope. 32. Stale ovum and all.”

“Vat?”

“Nothin’”

“No wonder your Dad retired. No wonder you no live with parents.”

“Yes, that and the commute would be treacherous.”

“Where you live?”

“Dupont Circle…near Adams Morgan.”

“Oho…very close, in the city.”

“Yup.”

“How much you pay?”

“Uh…I…pay…around…”

He starts motioning with his right hand, as if to say, “Get on with it!”

“I…um…it’s…almost tuh…welve…hun…dred?”

“Hmm. That’s too much. You should live in Virginia. Much cheaper.”

“I actually moved here from Arlington…and it’s way cheaper than out there, not that I’m comfortable with discussing any of this…um…stuff.”

“Why not?”

“Nevermind.”

“You live alone?”

“Yes.”

“So you pay all $1200.”

“Uh…yeah.”

“How long it take you to get to work?”

“Well, it’s a 10 minute walk to the Metro…then it’s three stops plus a 5 minute-“

“Three stops! That’s it??”

“Yeah…it’s part of why I wanted to live there. Very well-located.”

“Then you must get here so fast!”

“About 30 minutes, door-to-door. The red line is good like that.”

“I have one hour commute, both ways.”

“Ah, yeah, that would wear on me.”

“But I only pay $700.”

“Right.”

“So I save more money than you.”

“Quite probably.”

“Why you not like saving?”

“I’m American.”

“You are Indian!”

“Fine, but my bank account sure ain’t. I have to go…my spreadsheets await.”

“You want me to look for apartment for you? Cheaper!”

“No, that’s beyond sweet of you though.”

“Okay. You may not save money…but…at least you look so young when you are that old!”

“Would that I could pay my rent with that…”

::

Just so we’re clear, I think this entire exchange was dear; in fact, Asif is one of my favorite people here. Much like 2005’s The only time I’m not “from India” recorded a different, yet similarly very brown moment in my life, I wrote this post because I think it’s amusing that the only people who ask about my rent…are other desis. 🙂

Are we the only ones who do this? Immediately and bluntly interrogate others about monetary matters like salary, rent and how much some new purchase cost? I need to ask my non-brown friends…

112 thoughts on “Do You Want to Know What’s Under my Blouse, too? ;)”

  1. Welcome back Anna-ji. We have been here only, waiting and waiting for your writing. You were busy, no?

  3. I need to ask my non-brown friends…

    Anna, tho I only make one of those criteria, let me chime in….

    I find New York rents seem to be an exception. I mean, some people are still squeamish, but sooner or later, in many cases, the curiosity to know how many other people are paying way too much for way too little space gets the better of them, and the question comes out. But there it ends, with regard to the financial stuff…

  4. And desi’s love to get the immigration question out of the way as soon as they can (Resident? F1? H1? Labor complete? EAD? 1-485, 1-90, LSD, RIP etc.) And then “I can hook you up with a good attorney…, how much you pay for lawyer?” And then, “By the way my name is Neha/Prasant/Bobbi…” etc..

  5. Ahh the interrogation, it never get’s old.

    Over time I have come to expect and be prepared for such questions from “Recently arrived immigrant from the homeland” (thanks Ennis) . I have also realized that it has a lot to do with being in a new country and them having a sense of camaraderie.

    BTW, Nice to see that you are back.

  6. Just to be clear, I used to work in India and this sort of behaviour was frowned upon, even though prevalent – by no means a ‘granted desi feature’. There is the non-PC adage too -‘never ask a lady her age and a gentleman how much he makes’ (both flouted here).

    I remember a nosey relative circumventing the rule

    NoseybutThinksVeryClever relative: “So, how much tax do you pay?” Smartass: “30%”

  7. Which also reminds me of this one time when I was starting a new job along with my then roomie a girl (who happened to be dating another friend).

    We walk in and this random girl (desi of course) walks up and goes, “Hi I am a hindu from Calcutta”, “Are you guys married?”.

    I am in way implying that it is a regular happening, but that it was one of those very weird situations where I did not have an answer.

  8. monetary matters like salary, rent and how much some new purchase cost

    Such is the fodder of many a New York discussion, especially among Manhattanites (Desi and non), though the tone is one of shared misery / solidarity and not nosy, if charming, inquisition.

  9. Let’s not underestimate the American penchant for disclosing all, but only to the stanger sitting next to one on the plane and never to anybody one might see again. The drive to bare all is the same. The targets are different.

    As desi as I am, though, I do find money questions very intrusive but not necessarily tasteless if they are asked by people in India. I know they are multiplying everything by 45 and ready to fall out their chairs, which makes this “ugly American,” at least ugly in a financial sense, feel even more guilty.

  10. Hilarious Anna, I’m guessing Asif lived in India for a major part of his life and he still doesn’t know that a state called ‘Kerala’ exists ? Being a dosa loving, mohanlal worshipping Southie myself 😉 i can soo feel you pain during that part of the conversation

  11. “C’mon spill the beans, how much you payin’?” is a part of initial conversations in NYC as well, it must be the number of immigrants there as well from everywhere else in the country. Of course the interrogation about paternal income could only be desi, as is this post that is typically ends a blaze of amateur sociology.

  12. Hahaha! That’s so funny. What about the other ones, like “Why you are not married yet, you’re such a pretty girl. I hope my Neil/Anand/Rajukuttan could find a nice educated girl like you.” I think it is a pretty desi thing, but I do have Chinese friends who get the same kinds of interrogations from the Uncles and Aunties. I guess being half brown I would have to say it might be a rainbow thing.

    Just out of curiosity, isn’t Madras/Chennai in Tamil Nadu? Is Thiruvananthapuram/Trivandrum not big enough to be a landmark? Just wondering ’cause tho’ I’m Andhra my hubby’s a real “good malayalee boy” so we have family and friends from all over Kerala.

  14. Vellcome back ANNAbanana. You’ve been missed. Dude in NYC everyone’s all up in your business about how much rent you pay because people pay so much here. But yes the evaluating how old your ovaries are may be a desi thing but the sizing up of how much you are worth is a NYC thing. Everyone in this superficial island called Manhattan wants to know who you work for, what your biz card says about you and how much money you possibly make doing what you do and yes what kind of car you drive, whether you are bridge and tunnel or whether you live on the upper west side south of Harlem and such sundries.

  15. @Floridian

    And whatsup with carrying entire albums of family in a wallet and showing them off (along with the wedding band) to a stranger on the plane. Flavour of American nosyness – random question at the store counter that would elicit an agreement or denial, I’d rather take the 5th. Contrast that with shop keepers in India who hardly ask nosy questions beyond the general kushal-mangal.

  17. “Where your parents are from?” “Kerala.” “Where that is?” “Madras.”

    I am sure you are an American who learned geography in an American school. Yep.

  18. Funny conversation, ANNA.

    Let me 4th and 5th JOAT and the other NYers: no one in NYC hesitates to ask someone they just met how much the other is paying in rent. And then you sit around for an hour b*tching about it. And then you talk about Jersey being an option (or South Brooklyn or Eastern Queens), and the coversation drops.

  19. “Don’t you like tea?” “I do, but I’m more of a coffee drinker. It’s a South Indian thing.”

    welcome back senora, hilarious convo. You come from the land of chai

    And then you talk about Jersey being an option

    Hoboken is not that bad of a commute..but anna whats the answer to the topic? (not to be intrusive and blunt) 😉

  20. I thought you were a teenager when I first saw you, that you were Jaspreet’s daughter

    he thought you were punjabi?

  22. Are we the only ones who do this?

    nope. at least, unlike some non-spanish speaking latinos there isn’t an assumption that we’ll know the language (though in big cities people do pepper me with hindi, in a tentative manner).

  23. I am sure you are an American who learned geography in an American school. Yep.

    See: Kesh’s comment for how that snippet of conversation should be reacted to– I’ve met plenty of North Indians who hadn’t a clue where Kerala was. Madras, however, everyone knows. Get it? No? Nevermind.

  24. he thought you were punjabi?

    Yes, astonishingly enough, I believe that has happened to her before, especially in cabs. She also gets, “Tamil”, “Fijian” and “Bengali”, when she’s not being mistaken for an Abysinnian.

  25. I don’t think its a particualrly desi thing to ask inappropriate personal questions. Insensitive ,clueless types abound everywhere !

    However, one thing that really gets my goat is being asked how much money I make , sometimes by virtual strangers. Oh yeah, that happens too!Starter husband’s extended family in India especially has no qualms about asking the “bahu” how much she makes.This happened when I was working there and still happens when I visit after moving here.

    I do not like to be blatantly rude so I came up with the perfect conversation stopper.”Enough to be comfortable, thank you !”.Usually works and I segue into other non-controversial matters 🙂

  26. Welcome back ANNA!

    You were surely missed. Are you going to post more frequently now?

  28. my turkish colleagues bring up who’s making how much all the time during lunch outings. Quite surprising actually, I thought this was a uniquely desi trait.

  29. Saying Madras is easier than saying Thirvananthapuram or Pathanamthitta,

    Pathanamthitta ! Good job preston 🙂

    Isn’t the reason for calling all of South India “Madras”, that at one time the “Madras Presidency” did cover the majority of south India ? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Madras_Prov_1859.gif So if Anna’s family is from northern kerala her statement would be true.

    Lots of older Indians and esp non-south-indian indians still use the word Madras.

  30. Lots of older Indians and esp non-south-indian indians still use the word Madras.

    You most likely know it as Chennai, but it will always be Madras to me. Bonne chance, Elaine. You there on the motorbike! Sell me one of your melons!

  31. So if Anna’s family is from northern kerala her statement would be true.

    I promise you that the “Madras” response was more about saving herself pain than referring to the fascinating stuff your comment taught us.

    Remember, this is the girl who during a similar conversation famously once heard, “Anything South of Punjab is South India”. Some people are just going to get confused if you say, “Cochin” or try to be specific and geographically accurate. These are the same people who think that the good people of Kerala, also know as “Malayalams” speak…ah, never mind.

  34. These scenarios can be charming or enraging depending on your mood at the time. Sometimes it can be nice to have an Uncle or Aunty make conversation with you, you get a righteous, ‘heh, what do white people know, we have an affinity you see, me Indian and she Indian too, see, we have an unspoken intimacy and connection, we’re a community hahaha’. But some other times you just want to strangle the nosy insert cuss word here depending on atmospheric pressure, especially when questions of matrimony arise (for ‘stale ovums’ see ‘derelict sacs’)

  35. Just like I constantly get asked if I speak hindu… reply: nama-as-tey

    The first couple of times I tried correcting them, now I just go yeah, that and another 2 Indian languages.

  36. It is a very Desi thing to do. My friend (4th generation irish kid) and I were driving two other 1.5 genners’s like me back from a game. It was a couple our age (20’s) and they would not stop asking the details on my friend’s loan. “How much did you put down?” “How much a month?” “You didn’t lease it did you?” “So isn’t that like 15% of how your salary a month? A cadillac at your age is not a good investment.”

    Very inquisitive. But no harm done.

  37. During my first trip to India, after I started my first job, my Mom threw a party for me. Every signle uncle and auntie from the extended family asked me how much money I made. Some of them went on to ask how much money I sent to my parents. They offered to exchange information about how much money their sons made and/or saved. It was irritating from the start.

    My Mom’s explanation was that they wanted to let me know how much their son made, so that I’d consider settling down with him. Now I forbid my Mom from inviting random relatives for parties.

  38. a) The Vietnamese here do the same thing to one another.

    b) Your vignette is yet another reason I keep my distance from extended family and “family friends.” Homeys have no concept of privacy or personal space.

  40. Even for a FOB like me, Its frustrating to be subjected to Auntie/Uncle Interrogations. I can totally understand what ABD’s has to face.

    BTW, Anna Whats your Bra size? 🙂

  42. Pathanamthitta

    I remember , back in the Desh, most of the nurses came from this town. Am I generalising or is it true?

  43. So the big question is whether or not Anna is one of “our girls”:

    http://www.sepiamutiny.com/sepia/archives/004212.html

    In the discussion with colleagues on The Washington Times foreign desk, editor Jones said: “The reason we are running this story is that Coombs thinks all the aborted girls means that Indian men will be immigrating to the United States to marry our girls.” That is an exact quote, what Jones told his colleagues on the foreign desk.

  44. Funny thing though, During my college days an Arab lab partner (from the U.A.E) and I used to talk about the Persian Gulf a lot( AS both of us had grown up in the region) He then asked me which part of India i’m from and i replied the South. He then proceeded to ask me if I was from Kerala and whether i spoke ‘Malayalam’? He could tell the difference between Tamil Nadu and Kerala and suprisingly so can a large number of Arabs from the Persian Gulf, I guess I can attribute this to their love of ‘Kotakkal’ massages!

  45. Funny thing though, During my college days an Arab lab partner (from the U.A.E) and I used to talk about the Persian Gulf a lot( AS both of us had grown up in the region) He then asked me which part of India i’m from and i replied the South. He then proceeded to ask me if I was from Kerala and whether i spoke ‘Malayalam’? He could tell the difference between Tamil Nadu and Kerala and suprisingly so can a large number of Arabs from the Persian Gulf, I guess I can attribute this to their love of ‘Kotakkal’ massages!

    No this is attributed to the obscenely high amount of slave labourers from Kerala building high rises in Middle East.

  46. A cadillac at your age is not a good investment.”

    A cadillac at any age is not a good investment.

  47. I don’t know if cmmi gives away where you work – but perhaps you should delete it if it does, given the shit you’ve been through in the past with evil stalkers/haters?

  48. I haven’t faced the visa status question from desis my age (35) but I get the rent question from older desis. I actually hate the kids question the most. I’ve been married for 11 years now and it is AGONY trying to deflect the “koi problem hai kya?” question. I’ve also had American non-desi women ask me whether I’ve decided against having children. I would never ask anyone this question, it’s so personal.

  49. I am surprised he did not ask you what language you write your code in…May be this just a gulti thing.

  50. No this is attributed to the obscenely high amount of slave labourers from Kerala building high rises in Middle East.

    also, the arabian peninsula has long had a trading relationship with the coastal ports of south india. the muslims of kerala have long had a relationship with south arabians (pre-dating their slave labor today).