A few hours ago, when I left my new apartment for dinner at Heritage India (Connecticut Ave), rain was escaping the night sky with such fury and speed, my golf umbrella was barely adequate and my mukluks were soaked. They are lined with sheepskin, which is now wet and disgusting. My toes are miserable. I’m barely cognizant of this though, because I’m on the phone, having the most important conversation of my day. I’m so involved with this voice, I barely notice the mile which I’ve walked uphill, the road I’ve made a right turn on, the periodic hordes of people on Adams Morgan’s 18th street, on this dead-because-it’s-wet-and-miserable night.
I should be at my new home, snuggled in my, um, Aerobed, but I have no internet access yet, so Tryst (a much-loved haunt of our Manish’s) has gone from third-place to first place in my life, for the moment. I don’t want to go inside and be the idiot on her cell phone though, so I’m hunched over my umbrella handle while I shiver mindlessly right outside the giant picture window, directly across from “my table“; practically on the sidewalk, it’s close to an electrical outlet and the perfect size for one. It’s also almost exactly where I sit when I’m at Greco. Some call me boring, I prefer consistent.
I’m in the middle of responding to a worrisome revelation when a group of frat-tastic retards lurches past, reeking of sweat and bad alcohol. I’m less vexed by such roving stupidity than some of my friends, mostly because unlike them, I was “Greek” and thus constantly around similar. I turn away from them slightly as they stagger by, wishing Maisnon were here; one of the last times we were together in the Morg, I was grabbed so violently, you could see marks the next day. Well before THAT sickening reminder of ickiness manifested itself in my flesh, our girl became Our Lady of Terrifying Rage. Approximately two minutes after Filthy McNastyman’s fingers defiled my arm, she accosted the pulayadi mon who startled and then offended me. “You do NOT do that”, she ranted, right in his face, as his innards liquefied in the face of her wrath. Ah, good times. But why was I thinking these thoughts? I had no need for such big guns. Nothing was going to happen to me…
“Jewugingglut”
Wait, what? Immediately, I hit a mental rewind even as I strained to listen to the voice currently inhabiting my cell-phone. WAIT. OMG. No. He. Didn’t. I dropped the phone right then from ear to hip and shouted in to the bastardÂ’s wake.
“What the hell did you just say to me??”
He turned back, the look on his face scaring me so much I think I whimpered for Deepa, my Mom and/or my ferocious, late German Shepherd Rani. “I saaaaid, YOU FUCKING SLUT.” This opportunity I had given him to repeat misogynistic filth tickled his friends to no end; they laughed so hard at his courage and genius that they were choking. Two of them slapped him on the back. Oh yeah. You showed me!
The toxic disrespect in his eyes had made my blood go cold, now I felt like I was being microwaved. Shaking replaced shivering, livid indignation supplanting any discomfort with weather. Without pondering or hesitating, I yelled back a suggestion for what he could do with himself, but I felt impotent, despite it. It was painful. If I hadn’t said anything, I would’ve felt steamrolled by him and undone by regret; I did say something and what came next made it all so much worse.
“Fuck that slut.”
“Nah, man. She’s Indian. They’re not sluts.”
“You would know.”
“Hey did that bitch taste like curry when you ate her?”
I obviously don’t know what sort of taste had been left in his mouth at the past point these Neanderthals were referencing, but I knew what the acrid sensation in my mouth meant.
“What just happened? Whom were you shouting at? Where are you? Is it safe?”
“Some guy…just called me “slut”. Twice. I didn’t feel like accepting it, soÂ…anyway I’m in Adams Morgan, in front of Tryst. And no, in some ways I do not feel safe.”
“Some stranger just walked by and called you such a name?”
“Yeah. This day gets better by the MINUTE. I hate this neighborhood. Or, more accurately, the type of entirely-challenged jackass it attracts.”
I try and remind the person IÂ’m conversing with what we were talking about, because they had been in the middle of relating something important; I barely manage to do this effectively. I can’t stop considering pepper spray. Or German Shepherds.
Words flow again via a battered Sprint Samsung and mercifully, within seconds, I am immersed. I am not thinking of racist assholes or how they hate my gender. I am listening too mindfully for such torment. Which is why I don’t notice the man with dreads in the Coogi sweater who is suddenly in my face.
“Excuse me, sweetheart, I’m not tryin’ to bother you, but what’s your name?”
I shake my head and smile politely, pointing to my cellphone with the hand which can barely balance my massive umbrella. I stupidly assume he’ll understand that I am otherwise involved and move on…I want to close my eyes so I can better focus on the voice and the rather important words which I have to hear. It’s a no-win situation; this call HAS to occur RIGHT NOW, when it’s suddenly (and much to my surprise) least convenient for me. I resist the desire to let my eyelids fall because more men are headed my way and I’m starting to feel vulnerable. Can I get a hearty WTF? I’m not dressed up or done up. I can’t remember if I applied deodorant today, it’s been so hectic with errands, appointments and attempts at unpacking. I’m not polished, I’m drenched. And I’m not smiling, I’m frowning. What about ANY of that invites such stubborn attempts at interaction?
“Sweetheart. Sweetheart. I’m tryin’ to tawk to you.”
“I understand that, but I can’t talk right now, I’m really sorry.”
“Well, maybe you can just keep me warm under that big ole umbrella of yours.” He moves in closer as he says this, until he’s touching me. I’m slightly cornered and I instantly want to bolt.
“I’m sorry, I’m not interested. I’m on the phone. WITH MY BF.”
Blatant lie, but so is the apology. May I please have another order of WTF? Why am I the one saying “sorry”?
“Well, tell your man that I ain’t tryin’ to fuck ya, I’m just attemptin’ to holla at his girl.”
More laughter from the pea-brained gallery and the voice on the other end is concomitantly appalled and concerned about my location and my odds.
I’m about to state a definitive “leave me alone” when just as quickly as Coogi and Co. came, they’re off. The sigh I heave is so audible, it freaks out a random dog being walked four feet away.
“I’m fine, wait, what was I saying? No, wait, what were YOU saying? I’m so sorry about this…”
“Excuse me miss, can you keep me dry?”
OH MY GOD. WHY? WHY!
“No. No, I cannot keep you dry. Please go away, I am on the phone.”
“I ain’t tryin’ to hurt you, I’m just tryin’ to get under that umbrella.”
I want to heave this luxurious, sturdy behemoth in to the nearest public trash can. Or pretend it’s a spear and lob it through a neck, any neck of any man who has harassed me in the last 20 minutes.
“I’m talking to my boyfriend. I just want to talk to my boyfriend. Please leave me alone. It’s not even really raining anymore.”
I have no idea why I toss in that last bit of dilettante meteorology or more relevantly, why this umbrella has been the instrument of my doom and then–
“Your boyfriend, huh? What is he, white?”
“I don’t see how this is any of your business, but my (entirely non-existant) boyfriend is Indian.”
“What you couldn’t find an Ethiopian? Bitch.”
I can’t win.
Did I actually, stupidly complain about invisibility last week? I’m so sorry. No, really, this time, I am. If they canÂ’t see me, they canÂ’t say unpleasant things to me…right?
News to me, also. I’ve never heard a widow being called a rundi.
Rundi means widow in bangla bhasha. At least it’s used that way in bengali books, perhaps it’s a word borrowed from another language.
It came to mean “prostitute” because of the phenomena of some young widows being supported by male (friends) or “sponsors”, which was deemed “whorish” behaviour by the society they were living in at the time.
And also, some widows felt they had no other viable option to support themselves other than turn to prostitution. But in medieval times, the word “rundi” meant widow.
Anyway, I understood Kobayashi’s point, but the word slut and him saying she wasn’t one made me think, “well, what IS one? or who is one?”
“Another piece of advice given to women (though I’ve only heard this while in India) is to draw attention to the harasser, shaming him in public. Any anecdotes as to the effectiveness of this tactic, ladies of SM?”
In india things can get really ugly for an eve teaser.In my city,if there are couple of ‘concerned citizens’ around and they take the initiative in kicking their asses a bit then preety soon it turn into a full fledged mob attack on the poor souls.
according to an online sanskrit dictionary:
1 raNDa mfn. (cf. %{baNDa}) maimed , crippled L. ; faithless (see %{zAkhA-r-}) ; m. a man who dies without male issue MW. ; a barren tree ib. ; (%{A}) f. a term of abuse in addressing women , a slut (others `” a widow “‘ ; %{bAla-r-} “‘ , a young widow “‘). Ka1v. Pan5cat. ; Salvinia Cucullata L. ; Anthericum Tuberosum L. ; a kind of metre Col.
well you find both slut and widow there… so i guess it may depend on context and which part of india.
PG:
Bidhoba is the bangla word for Widow in Bengli, not to threadjack any further please back up your assertion with facts if any.
Right. Hindi is the only language in which people address each other with words like motherfucker or cunt. In fact, English doesn’t even have a word for motherfucker or cunt. Oh, wait…
Can we accept that sexual harassment is prevalent in India as it is everywhere else in this benighted world, and get back to Anna’s post and the useful conversation that it has launched?
“Rundi means widow in bangla bhasha. At least it’s used that way in bengali books, perhaps it’s a word borrowed from another language.”
Makes sense to me as the word for male widow in vernacular hindi is “randwa”
On the side note, how are you guys able to put the quotes in such a nice format, when I click the quote tab, nothing happens, is it cause I am using mozilla?
Apologies for the broken link
“English: Widow Romanized Bangla: Transliteration Schema bidhobA In Bangla Script: বিধবা “
Wantok: HILARIOUS note at the end of your comment. Heh.
I think the words slut and slutty have to be defined.
This theme also runs through Desi Riot Grrrl thread.
Horn OK please.
The “Hey Baby” syndrome happens to me EVERYDAY as I walk crosstown on 29th Street in NYC. Now, more than ever I am afraid to say something back because of the rampant illegal (or legal) gun problem. I have even looked on Amazon for books that teach you one liners to combat this. No such luck.
I agree with a lot of you that I would rather not further instigate the situation with retaliating physically and would rather remove myself from the situation as quickly as possible. It also helps that I have one of those faces that looks like I’m frowning, when I am actually not – so I’ve been told that I look intimidating. It helps – but not too much.
However, this is rather interesting: I walk the same walk everyday to work and one day, it started raining. I had no umbrella so I pulled my scarf over my head and scurried on. The same construction guys, standing under the same scaffolding did not say a word. The same guys who unload a truckful of crappy $1 items didn’t say a word. Coincidence? Maybe, maybe not.
HHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA. Man, everytime I see that anywhere (yes even in India) I chuckle. I can almost hear those funky air horns (or Trucker’s being creative with the horn).
Some DJ should mix the sounds of Indian truck horns and name the CD “Horn OK Please”.
it’s vice-versa here, you can cuss in Hindi all you like but it doesn’t have the same shrink-and-gasp effect as English. It’s that foreign words don’t have the same power or force as the bad words in our mother tongues. No matter what language is your first, you grew up knowing the “Bad” words that were off-limits to you.
I took a women’s self defense seminar ( 5 days long, 4 hours each day) offered by the police department in San Diego ( at the UC campus ). Until recently, they would not allow men to attend such a class – it was taught by the cops and on the last day we got to kick the cops (who wore some protective gear) in all kinds of places.
They gave us a huge booklet on how to minimize risk and how to present a calm and assertive demeanor. They know from statistics that 95% of men who harass women do not want a fight, so if they see that you are assertive, they will go away.
It is offered all over the country (US). I do not remember the name of the program now, but will look it up and post in the evening.
Pardesi Gori:
Very smart!! I’ll try that next time I am in India. In Bombay about a decade ago, rumors were that near Victoria Terminal (Downtown), people were pricking people with needles infected with AIDS. They were doing that because they were sad that they had got infected with AIDS and wanted other people to suffer too. During that time, people used to get so scared if they felt a prick in a public, crowded area.
This comment of mine is not about dealing with the immediate situation and ONLY about the long term. So, please read it that way and talk about the practicality for the short term.
It will help in the long term because
Why is it that Asian shopkeepers get attacked and taunted a lot more than some others? Because the attackers think they can get away with it. Why is it that a woman walking with some male friends is much less a target of unwelcome attention? Because such a woman is, in the calculus of a physical scenario, a force to be reckoned with. Now, imagine the day when just a woman alone is such a force. It would be nicer if the problem started going away. We can all try to change men’s minds on why they should not be bothering women. But it would also be good if we do some things to change their minds on why they cannot be bothering women.
Human nature is such that it tends to refrain better from what it cannot do than from what it should not do. Or as we might say in Hindi, laaton ke bhoot, baaton se nahin maante and we are all laaton ke bhoot in some sense. Again, I’m strictly talking about the long term in this comment.
There is thus certainly a selfish interest for me (and you) in more women kicking some ass when necessary.
Yes, retaliatory violence has serious consequences but so does silence. There’s a whole range of options in between those extremes ofcourse. I would NEVER advocate anyone becoming a vigilante, the safest option to defuse a situation is usually to ignore. That’s what I tell my imaginary sister.
Damn, I have a funny, kind-of related story to tell, but I think people will jump on me, cuz it will seem callous.
sorry to hear about your day but you just wasted 5 minutes of mine by telling us a story that is common no matter what race you are.
You forgot to mention the waste of 5 more minutes typing the above drivel. Does making something common make it any less offensive? Or should Anna have checked that with you before she wrote it?
joat,
no one has a right to say this, so let’s not go there
Rani (post # 181) I’m not a woman but even I can anecdotally say that JOAT is correct.
I sincerely wish this wasn’t true but it is. The average harrasser on the street is non white if I must dilute it, yes Indian men are included in it but only within Indian neighborhoods Jackson Heights, Oak Tree Road etc.
Really? White girls are told that their pss*s taste like curry, too? I had no idea, Tommy. Thank you for enlightening us.
Sorry, i meant “and nottalk about the practicalityy”
how sad
I have been twice racially taunted in Adams Morgan.Both times on the 18th street strip. Once a black dude called out ‘ Own a cornerstore or some’. Another time I walked into an Ethiopian restaurant to get a drink when another patron already at the bar started shouting at me ‘ get out of my home you Indian or Paki’. Both times I swear it was totally unprovoked. I am the kind of guy who, if doesn’t hit back, is tormented long thereafter and that’s what happened because I had let it go. When I told about this to a friend he said well that’s not ‘intellectual racism ‘ because it was coming from Black dudes.
You wasted your own time, YOU CHOOSE to come to this site and to read this particular post.
And I hate that attitude: “everyone goes through it, so why are you the only one bitching.” BAH!
ANNA I’m sorry to hear about your day/night…it seems to be pouring in your world, but rest assured there are those of us who believe (as should you) that things will get better 😛
I have gotten catcalled, whistled at, followed, groped, harrased, abused, yelled at, the list is quite long…
I think for me the situation that I felt most empowered in was a time on the train when I was talking to a friend of mine I hadn’t seen in ages. We were giggly, but by no means obnoxious, and some guy started trying to get in on our conversation. We tried to politely brush him off, and then he started getting abusive, first telling me to go back to my country and then telling me what he’d like to do to me and where he’d like to put it. I was on a train to the burbs with loads of moms and dads, and I started verbally sparing with the guy once it got to the point of being sexual. NO ONE stood up for me, and after about 1 min of back and forth with this idiot, once even standing up and pleading with someone, anyone to step up and ask this guy to stop.
I finally just stood up and yelled at the entire train car about how horrendous it was that everyone was sitting uncomfortably watching this guy harrass two innocent girls. Everyone on train was silent, hanging their heads, BUT the harrasser felt bad enough to move.
Talking back can be empowering, but it’s not always the wisest way to go.
Sometimes all it takes to disarm the person is a smile a nod, and as much as I sometimes hate doing it, I have found that in many situations where someone just calls me pretty while I walk down the street this tactic ends the comments there (not that I think it would have worked with the creeps ANNA discribes)
See I realize this might make my life easy at that point but I can’t get myself to do it. I absolutely cannot get myself to acknowledge unwelcome behavior. And all it does is begets more such behavior the next day. Most of these incidences happen going to or from work and I have to walk the path everyday and most of the time encounter the same people. If I allow them to think it’s OK for them to behave that way it will only escalate.
Your friend is an idiot.
Anna, very glad that you posted this. I don’t have any adequate words for how bad I feel for you and everyone that has to deal with this kind of dehumanizing behavior, but I think this discussion, from the comments, is a good one. No one should ever have to feel unsafe because of unwanted advances or other aggression. Like many have said, I think it’s just an assertion of power by very weak people on others. Unfortunately, it can be extremely dangerous, besides emotionally violating a person. I don’t think talking back in most situations is wise. The pin idea for bus/subway rides seems good and of course drawing attention to it when you are in a public place IS important.
As hard as it is, you have to keep reminding yourself that it is not a reflection upon you and under no circumstances should you put up with it on a regular basis from people at work/school etc. Report the behaviour, learn self defense, but above all don’t let what others say crush your own self esteem. I’ve helped friends out in different situations of this type and it really makes me angry. I agree that it is extremely important to speak up against these kinds of attitudes in conversations. As in, when people you are around make extremly sexist or racist, dehumanizing comments. It is very important to let them know that it’s not okay, even if it is not directed towards you or anyone in the room. Any physical or verbal unwanted sexual advance is inexcusable. If the idiots doing it don’t know better, those around them need to speak up and not leave it to the victim.
Speaking up is very very important in that situation. Especially if it is some fool you know. Explain to them why it’s not right. I once had to go after a guy in high school for touching girls (I’ll spare you the details). I heard about it after the fact and confronted the guy. The worst of it was that he was apologizing to me thinking it was wrong because the girl was somehow mine or some crap. I tried to explain that it had nothing to do with me and that it was just wrong period. Anyway, for what it’s worth, all I could think to do was to make him apologize directly to the girl he hurt. In a confrontation, most times if you try and fight with comebacks it just eggs people on. They want to get a reaction out of you. Anyway, others have said all this already, please be safe out there and don’t ever take this stuff lightly. It can escalate into anything before you know it.
ugh, i can totally relate to this story, anna!! sometimes we are ignored or pushed around, other times we are aggressively pursued in a very off-putting way. where is the middle ground?? i know it exists somewhere– i’m still looking for it!
and WHY do some men believe that if a girl is not interested in their advances, suddenly using the word ‘slut’ is appropriate to mask feelings of rejection??
‘Your friend is an idiot.’
Well that was the crux of what he said. Without having to reveal much about myself or my friend, I have to tell you that not only is he not an idiot but someone who’ll probably get profiled on this blog soon ( or maybe he already has been! ). Many here will immediately recognize his name!
Here’s a sort of related comment. While at a party with many friends a few years back, there was a jerkoff guy hitting on every girl in the place, quite obnoxiously usually. When he came over to talk to the girl i was dating, she kinda just pulled me in between both of them, and he went away. Later in the evening (everyone being a bit more drunk), while dancing, the jerk-off reached over and blatantly swiped his hand across my girlfriend’s chest. I was a bit tipsy, and am usually a non-violent jain, but i totally lost my shit. I lurched at the guy and got two lucky punches into his lip, before we were seperated. I had split open his lip, and i had his blood on my hand. The bouncers immediately threw us both out. As the then gf waked out the door, she was furious with me and insisted on cabbing it home alone. she was annoyed first of all for my drawing attention to the fact that she had been accousted, and then for the fact that i threw a punch.
Even after many years, I’m still proud of my one moment of Rockyesque action, this girl (now just a distant friend) still thinks i was in the wrong.
unrelated, but interesting that she felt I was in the wrong by drawing attention to the action by hitting the perv.
When I lived in Colorado I once went to a club with four of my girl friends. I went to sit down or something and I saw two of them waving for me to come to the dance floor. There was a guy who was getting way too friendly with them. As I walked up the dude says to me, “oh, I’m sorry which one is your fiance?” At this point I realize that one of my friends must have told them that I was their fiance so the guy would leave them alone. But which one said it? I did the only thing I could.
“Both of them.”
s***, i would have hit that dude myself!!
much as i preach nonviolence and really believe in it– when it comes to that type of thing, it’s hard not to fly off the handle and deck the idiot who tried to violate another person.
it’s a double-standard, but i’m sticking to it!
JOAT, that’s not acceptable. Not acceptable.
“the Black and Hispanic men in this city are downright disgusting”– are you saying they’re disgusting because they’re Black and Hispanic?
“what kind of animals raised these assholes”?– Fine, you’ve had encounters with assholes. That means their (Black and Hispanic) mothers are animals?
What the hell is wrong with you? It won’t do. You’re better than that.
Imagine if PG started saying things like that about North Indian men?
This seems like karma. I’ve met women like that including Anna and they definitely are not the most receptive to a smile or a joke. As Anna had put it to a friend of mine later….this guy tried to talk to me and he was a paralegal (this was said apparently in such an arrogant way that even my friend had to walk away). Unfortunately, I told her this to see her reaction. Actually, I am a lawyer at a top 5 law firm. So her musings as the victim aren’t all true.
I tried, but cannot possibly read through all the comments. Forgive me if this has been said before…
I’m not sure that “ignore it” is appropriate advice in this situation. Yes, when a dude whistles at me when I walk by, or says “nice rack” or whatever, I mostly ignore it. This is easier to do if you or he is just passing. In Anna’s situation, she was pretty much stuck. It’s hard to “ignore it” when you’re being touched.
Sometimes on the subway in NYC I don’t know whether I’m being felt up or it’s just because it’s crowded. And it’s not always Black and Latino men as has been suggested.
In other words, you are a pompous jerk who likes to manipulate people. Thanks for sharing.
No I’m saying that the disgusting men happen to be Black or Hispanic and I’m not going to be PC and say “most” of the time because it’s ALL the time but I’m limiting this to NYC because this is where my daily life is.
I reserve the right to believe that any man who behaves like an animal was raised by animals. The notion of humanizing him by bringing his mother into it is yours my friend. I’m not even thinking that far.
See I don’t even know what to say to that because sadly I believe that is true as well. In my personal experience the majority of desi men who harrass women tend to be north Indian and I’m not even talking about India. If you go to Jackson Heights or Oaktree road the thugs that stand on the corner and say shit to women are most of the time Punjabi guys. The guys who harrass women at desi concerts, festivals etc are usually Punjabi guys.
I feel a lot of anger reading this. When I was in college I took to walking female friends back to their rooms during the evenings because I just can’t stand the kind of behavior those guys engaged in. I took it seriously too. When a few rapes happened on campus I took to carrying a shinai because if I got the f***er who was doing them I was going to beat him 100 ways to Sunday. Twice in Philly I’ve walked up next to women that were being accosted by homeless and acted like they were my girlfriends to pull them out of the situation.
I don’t put up with that kind of stuff, and Anna, dearheart, you shouldn’t either. I know that DC’s outlawed handguns, which is a shame. If you lived in PA, I’d tell you to buy a gun and carry it with you. I don’t advocate people acting like Dirty Harry or pointing a gun at people for every little slight, imagined or not, but in this case, if things had gotten more out of hand, it could have been seriously dangerous for you. But then, you already knew that. 🙁
JOAT,
I think generalizing/stereotyping any race or culture is unacceptable.
I can speak for punjabi’s and refute your claim but cannot speak for a**holes that exist in every race and culture.
What is it today with blaming human problems on animals, anyway? Leave us out of your sordid goings-on!
I’d hate to say this but I too got this kind of trash almost solely from non-white men. Mostly it’s Turks, Moroccans or Surinamis, and the occasional Afro-Caribbean. I think it’s in their culture to believe that women are inferior. I don’t see any reason to be PC about it. White men usually go about it by winking or making remarks that are not exactly welcome but not disgusting either.
I had a friend who started carrying around a shehnai … but that’s not the same thing. A shinai is just a rhythm instrument, whereas a shehnai can carry a tune.
anna,
my energies are focused on swinging that friggin pendulum back for you …
and to borrow your words:
Dearest JOAT,
I weep for you.
tamasha:
Well..thats true. It is a difficult situation and there is no easy solution. If I were in Anna’s place, I would have moved away from the sidewalk and gone inside the restaurant. This does not mean that I’m in any way belittling what she did.
I feel like we (not necessarily you and I but on SM) go down this path a lot. This path of political correctness. It’s past 5 on a Friday and I’m tired. Certain cultures are more prone to certain behavior than others. Are you telling me that the assholes are evenly spread thru all the races in the city of NYC? I urge you to ask this question to women in NYC that have to take the subway everyday. They’d laugh at you. And no I’m not being scarcastic I’m being dead serious. I’d even go as far to say that it’s more Hispanic men than black men who indulge in rude machismo but rarely others.
Oops sorry Rajni but I don’t include monkeys in the animals category. Monkeys are smart! Won’t happen again.