A few hours ago, when I left my new apartment for dinner at Heritage India (Connecticut Ave), rain was escaping the night sky with such fury and speed, my golf umbrella was barely adequate and my mukluks were soaked. They are lined with sheepskin, which is now wet and disgusting. My toes are miserable. I’m barely cognizant of this though, because I’m on the phone, having the most important conversation of my day. I’m so involved with this voice, I barely notice the mile which I’ve walked uphill, the road I’ve made a right turn on, the periodic hordes of people on Adams Morgan’s 18th street, on this dead-because-it’s-wet-and-miserable night.
I should be at my new home, snuggled in my, um, Aerobed, but I have no internet access yet, so Tryst (a much-loved haunt of our Manish’s) has gone from third-place to first place in my life, for the moment. I don’t want to go inside and be the idiot on her cell phone though, so I’m hunched over my umbrella handle while I shiver mindlessly right outside the giant picture window, directly across from “my table“; practically on the sidewalk, it’s close to an electrical outlet and the perfect size for one. It’s also almost exactly where I sit when I’m at Greco. Some call me boring, I prefer consistent.
I’m in the middle of responding to a worrisome revelation when a group of frat-tastic retards lurches past, reeking of sweat and bad alcohol. I’m less vexed by such roving stupidity than some of my friends, mostly because unlike them, I was “Greek” and thus constantly around similar. I turn away from them slightly as they stagger by, wishing Maisnon were here; one of the last times we were together in the Morg, I was grabbed so violently, you could see marks the next day. Well before THAT sickening reminder of ickiness manifested itself in my flesh, our girl became Our Lady of Terrifying Rage. Approximately two minutes after Filthy McNastyman’s fingers defiled my arm, she accosted the pulayadi mon who startled and then offended me. “You do NOT do that”, she ranted, right in his face, as his innards liquefied in the face of her wrath. Ah, good times. But why was I thinking these thoughts? I had no need for such big guns. Nothing was going to happen to me…
“Jewugingglut”
Wait, what? Immediately, I hit a mental rewind even as I strained to listen to the voice currently inhabiting my cell-phone. WAIT. OMG. No. He. Didn’t. I dropped the phone right then from ear to hip and shouted in to the bastardÂ’s wake.
“What the hell did you just say to me??”
He turned back, the look on his face scaring me so much I think I whimpered for Deepa, my Mom and/or my ferocious, late German Shepherd Rani. “I saaaaid, YOU FUCKING SLUT.” This opportunity I had given him to repeat misogynistic filth tickled his friends to no end; they laughed so hard at his courage and genius that they were choking. Two of them slapped him on the back. Oh yeah. You showed me!
The toxic disrespect in his eyes had made my blood go cold, now I felt like I was being microwaved. Shaking replaced shivering, livid indignation supplanting any discomfort with weather. Without pondering or hesitating, I yelled back a suggestion for what he could do with himself, but I felt impotent, despite it. It was painful. If I hadn’t said anything, I would’ve felt steamrolled by him and undone by regret; I did say something and what came next made it all so much worse.
“Fuck that slut.”
“Nah, man. She’s Indian. They’re not sluts.”
“You would know.”
“Hey did that bitch taste like curry when you ate her?”
I obviously don’t know what sort of taste had been left in his mouth at the past point these Neanderthals were referencing, but I knew what the acrid sensation in my mouth meant.
“What just happened? Whom were you shouting at? Where are you? Is it safe?”
“Some guy…just called me “slut”. Twice. I didn’t feel like accepting it, soÂ…anyway I’m in Adams Morgan, in front of Tryst. And no, in some ways I do not feel safe.”
“Some stranger just walked by and called you such a name?”
“Yeah. This day gets better by the MINUTE. I hate this neighborhood. Or, more accurately, the type of entirely-challenged jackass it attracts.”
I try and remind the person IÂ’m conversing with what we were talking about, because they had been in the middle of relating something important; I barely manage to do this effectively. I can’t stop considering pepper spray. Or German Shepherds.
Words flow again via a battered Sprint Samsung and mercifully, within seconds, I am immersed. I am not thinking of racist assholes or how they hate my gender. I am listening too mindfully for such torment. Which is why I don’t notice the man with dreads in the Coogi sweater who is suddenly in my face.
“Excuse me, sweetheart, I’m not tryin’ to bother you, but what’s your name?”
I shake my head and smile politely, pointing to my cellphone with the hand which can barely balance my massive umbrella. I stupidly assume he’ll understand that I am otherwise involved and move on…I want to close my eyes so I can better focus on the voice and the rather important words which I have to hear. It’s a no-win situation; this call HAS to occur RIGHT NOW, when it’s suddenly (and much to my surprise) least convenient for me. I resist the desire to let my eyelids fall because more men are headed my way and I’m starting to feel vulnerable. Can I get a hearty WTF? I’m not dressed up or done up. I can’t remember if I applied deodorant today, it’s been so hectic with errands, appointments and attempts at unpacking. I’m not polished, I’m drenched. And I’m not smiling, I’m frowning. What about ANY of that invites such stubborn attempts at interaction?
“Sweetheart. Sweetheart. I’m tryin’ to tawk to you.”
“I understand that, but I can’t talk right now, I’m really sorry.”
“Well, maybe you can just keep me warm under that big ole umbrella of yours.” He moves in closer as he says this, until he’s touching me. I’m slightly cornered and I instantly want to bolt.
“I’m sorry, I’m not interested. I’m on the phone. WITH MY BF.”
Blatant lie, but so is the apology. May I please have another order of WTF? Why am I the one saying “sorry”?
“Well, tell your man that I ain’t tryin’ to fuck ya, I’m just attemptin’ to holla at his girl.”
More laughter from the pea-brained gallery and the voice on the other end is concomitantly appalled and concerned about my location and my odds.
I’m about to state a definitive “leave me alone” when just as quickly as Coogi and Co. came, they’re off. The sigh I heave is so audible, it freaks out a random dog being walked four feet away.
“I’m fine, wait, what was I saying? No, wait, what were YOU saying? I’m so sorry about this…”
“Excuse me miss, can you keep me dry?”
OH MY GOD. WHY? WHY!
“No. No, I cannot keep you dry. Please go away, I am on the phone.”
“I ain’t tryin’ to hurt you, I’m just tryin’ to get under that umbrella.”
I want to heave this luxurious, sturdy behemoth in to the nearest public trash can. Or pretend it’s a spear and lob it through a neck, any neck of any man who has harassed me in the last 20 minutes.
“I’m talking to my boyfriend. I just want to talk to my boyfriend. Please leave me alone. It’s not even really raining anymore.”
I have no idea why I toss in that last bit of dilettante meteorology or more relevantly, why this umbrella has been the instrument of my doom and then–
“Your boyfriend, huh? What is he, white?”
“I don’t see how this is any of your business, but my (entirely non-existant) boyfriend is Indian.”
“What you couldn’t find an Ethiopian? Bitch.”
I can’t win.
Did I actually, stupidly complain about invisibility last week? I’m so sorry. No, really, this time, I am. If they canÂ’t see me, they canÂ’t say unpleasant things to me…right?
Yes I realize. I’ve caught men catch glances in the past, hell even my own friends but that’s the difference. Doing it in my face while I’m looking at you signifies utter disrespect for me as a person considering you are a coworker. If you are doing it on the sly from afar without letting me know well I don’t know it happened and it’s best that way.
I don’t want to be touching some slimeball or be anywhere near him. Just want to do it from afar. And anytime you initiate a physical attack you open yourself to be attacked back. Nothing would stop a man from hitting you back. I don’t think that’s wise.
Please excuse my persistence. Why is it only the guys who are even talking about self-defense classes/martial arts and women on this thread with one exception, not even acknowledging it? Some of these classes are meant specifically for women. You don’t need special courage if you are equipped with the right skills i.e. the perspiration obviates the inspiration.
One more minor gripe about your comment, Bidismoker (but I assure you, it’s nothing personal!).
I don’t know what you mean by “class” here. If you mean “classy,” as in “sophistication,” well ok, I have nothing to add.
If you mean “class” as in the so-called lower classes are more likely to do this, then you’ve got the wrong end of the stick. The problem is not just with the fat, ugly, gross, illiterate apes. The problem is also very much with the graduate-degree-holding, Thomas-Pink-wearing, fit and good-looking, six-figure-earning apes. If anything, they’re the ones who think they have the right, and who are the most baffled when “she makes a big deal over nothing.”
We have seen the enemy and he is us.
JOAT – I LOVE THAT!!!
Exactly! As if a woman does not have a right to respond positively to a man who is showing legit interest in her!!!
There is something about comments like those that say, “well, if you are turning me down you got to turn down every other man too.”
We women have every right to pick and choose who we are going to respond to.
Again, what part of “no” is not understood by these buffoons?
It’s like the laws of “mutual attraction” were never heard of by them.
Because with all due respect Kurma I think it’s impractical to tackle daily verbal harrassment and the general rubbing up on the subway with “self defense classes”. Hitting hurting anyone physically when all they did was said bad shit to you (no matter how vile) is not a smart thing to do. It also means you physically attacked someone first and the consequences of this can be dangerous to a woman.
I would defend myself if I was attacked otherwise I have to resort to shouting back or bitching about it. I’m 5’2 and I’m pretty strong and I learnt this because I got my ass kicked defending my brother in a bar brawl and then learnt later that the guy who beat me up had a broken nose and was beaten badly too thanx to yours truly. But seriously I was fairly hurt because he didn’t think “Oh girl let me not hit her”. He nearly broke my ribs thank you very much. I find that kind of altercation on a daily basis unnecessary.
Self defense is good if someone is trying to attack you physically rape you or kidnap you or something more grave. Daily eveteasing does not warrant beating up a guy as much as I’d love to kill them, it’s just not practical advise. At least not in NYC. Because the guy might take a gun out and shoot me!
For once I agree with Pardesi Gori’s posts. I have observed that the attitude towards women in North India has steadily worsened. It’s practically impossible for even older women like your grandma to travel on public transport without being felt up. It’s really disgusting.
In general, crime against women is totally out of control even in New Delhi. The government is asleep at the wheel.
Regarding MACE – a friend of mine carried some with him to India and gave me one. On my return journey to USA, it was comfiscated by the police at JFK.
Speaking for myself, I haven’t brought up martial arts, etc. because Anna’s post is about street harassment – i.e. verbal, not physical. If someone say some stupid shit to me, and I respond with physical self-defense, that’s called assault (and battery.) It is not generally considered self-defense legally (a la the “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” rubric.)
Jane,
That’s the point. It’s self-defense. It’s not the answer to how to deal with public sexual harrassment (“eve teasing” is so euphemistic). No one is suggesting you initiate a kung-fu style attack. The right thing to do is all the other suggestions above – the non-violent and shaming tactics, manipulating the situation in clever ways or the mildly violent ways that some others have suggested like pin pricking etc. But self-defense classes are a solution to “Wow, I wouldn’t have the courage to do that. I’m small. What if they physically attack me? “.
ok… i don’t want to be stoned for this comment, but i’m being honest… what about the responsibility of girls/women in propagating the image of a women as a sex-toy that a guy can wind up anytime he wants?
there are girls/women (like those in this discussion) who feel that disrespectful behaviour is not welcome, but there ARE others out there that like the “Hey Baby” comments and the attention and seek it out.
i feel like that the work happening here gets undone in a minute by them… when guys get away with it once, they think they can get away with it again… and they would perhaps rather take their chance to get what they want than to start giving women some respect.
do all women out there respect themselves? and if they don’t, does their attitude influence the way guys treat women in general?
I thought you were talking about zapping a dude’s nuts in self defense, not attacking them. The same technology could be used for dudes to zap women’s ovaries or whatever from afar.
Attacking someone is never a good idea.
geez, typical adams morgan scum.. you have friends in DC, anna; point them out to us so we can bring the pain. mutiny style.
You know what track came up on my ITunes while I’m reading this thread?
That’s why I’m talking, one day I was walking down the block I had my cutoff shorts on right cause it was crazy hot I walked past these dudes when they passed me One of ’em felt my booty, he was nasty I turned around red, somebody was catching the wrath Then the little one said (Yeah me bitch) and laughed Since he was with his boys he tried to break fly Huh, I punched him dead in his eye and said “Who you calling a bitch?” U N I T YYYYYYYYY
Surely, you don’t think the people who suggested self-defense/martial arts think it’s wise to escalate a situation unnecessarily. The good thing about self-defense/martial arts is that it comes in handy for that other scenario as well. It’s like being rich – convenient in many ways.
People, please give this option some thought.
I’m not stoning you for this remark, sumiti, but I think you would be hard-pressed to produce a woman who would welcome the comments hurled in Anna’s example.
Sorry folks, but these posts show a train of thought where ‘martial arts’ is considered offensive in nature. You’re thinking of it’s use as in hitting someone first. If situation dictates (a person is charging full steam at you, rushing you), you may have to throw the first punch/elbow/whatever. Bottom line – being prepared is a lot better than not.
You see, even while exchaning verbal insults, having a basic self defense skill set at your disposal magnifies the assertive, calm, and collected attitude one projects. You’re only focusing on the physical aspect here. Benefits from training, keeping your cool, and projecting a confident (yet cool) attitude helps in many aspects of your life, including a verbal confrontation.
Have you seen anyone literally shaking, barely able to talk, so angry and frustrated? They are not in control and are already at a disadvantage. Adrenalin is getting the better of them. Now who is to say this verbal situation doesn’t escalate into something more?
“do all women out there respect themselves? and if they don’t, does their attitude influence the way guys treat women in general?”
Sadly there are many women with incredibly low self-esteem that translate leering and disrespect, any attention really, into positive attention. This scene pops to mind.
1L year of lawschool my crim law professor took us on a tour of a maximum security prison. Of course the men were out of control. Most of us girls simply ignored it. However, there were a good handful of girls that absolutely loved it. I could hear them commenting behind me during the tour and saw them flaunting themselves. They loved the attention. It was absolutely insane.
The situation in the worst for unaccompanied foreign (white) women who visit India. I have seen tourists walking around Delhi being continuously harassed. In the eyes of the average North Indian male, white skin equals loose morals. I have to say that this sort of behavior never happens in Bangalore, Chennai or Hyderabad. It seems to be a unique product of the ultra-macho jat-punjabi-gujjar mindset.
Ditto.
Yes all good and every woman should get it. Personally after having lived here for 2 decades and having had my share of altercations/attacks etc I am prepared by real life more than a class could prepare me. But self defense doesn’t address what happened to Anna or happens to 100s of us daily and what most of the women are talking about on the board perhaps that is why you haven’t seen anyone gungho about it.
But Sumiti by that you are assuming that only the woman who dresses like Britney Spears is the one getting harrassed. 99.9% of the time I have seen men harrass and disrespect women who are dressed perfectly normal and are doing nothing to bring attention to themselves. By implying that it’s a woman’s responsibilty to clean up her image you are shifting the blame of what is happening on the women rather than holding the men responsible for their poor behavior.
Unfortunately we are only responsible for ourselves. If another woman standing next to me chooses to be half naked it’s her perogative. I prefer to hold a man to standards that assume he knows the difference instead of letting him say the same thing to both of us.
And let me be the first to tell you, dressing sexy, feeling sexy isn’t because a woman has no respect for herself. I think feminism tends to throw this phrase around. If you want to look attractive to men you have no respect for yourself. Not true. It is extremely empowering if done the right way and appropriately. So if my cleavage is showing a little I prefer that a man look from afar. It doesn’t earn him the right to come touch. Remember it is still your body your person whether you are clothed or not.
Your realize I was being facetious right??
I got kicked out of the DMV today!!
The guy working there started yelling at me because he thought I didnt have all of my papers out ready for him to look at, but I did and he felt stupid for yelling but I went off on him telling him “even if I didnt he didnt have the right to yell and talk down to anyone!” and then I told him that a guy making 3 dollars an hour isnt in a position to tell anyone anything and I think that was the one that got me kicked out.
It almost got physical, but I didnt think it would look right with my foot up a middle aged man’s ass. Why are people that work at the DMV such jerk’s?
Is this mess with people who post on SepiaMutiny week or something?
Another thing which I find strange in North-India is …that for some strange reason, girls take more objection to slurs if they are spoken in Hindi (by a paan-wala, rickshaw-wala etc). The same sentence when translated in English and spoken by a dude is perceived to be less offending! Same is true in Indian movies…an expletive/slur spoken in hindi is a no-no..while the same in English is shrugged off easily. Why are there such double standards ? IMO, these actions should be condemned irrespective of the language in which they are hurled.
A female friend was once being harassed by some frat boy at a midtown NYC bar. Some racial comments but nothing as serious as the words directed at Anna. So a mutual male friend took the guy outside, around the corner, away from the prying eyes from the bouncer and street traffic and “housed” the dude. A little blood on the sidewalk, some rumpled and torn clothing, and one dude who’ll think harder about his expressing his ugly attitudes. Violence and justice applied properly can be a beautiful thing.
brimful: the “you slut” comment… no, it would not be welcomed, but the “Excuse me, sweetheart, IÂ’m not tryinÂ’ to bother you, but whatÂ’s your name?” comment… i think that would be welcomed and would pass with some women out there. i have seen it happen next to me… the guy goes home with what he wants and the girl lets him. the next time he’s out, he sees a girl like Anna and tries his luck. with no luck he may think ‘you win some, you lose some’… or in a drunken state might lash out with ‘you b*tch’ or ‘you slut’ if he doesn’t get what he wants.
Darlings, you look them in their face, smile and say: YOUR MOTHER! And then let the f*er try and come closer, my 3 inch heel is itching to imbed itself in his toes or his bas.
This problem exists just about everywhere, and due to the fact that many women just walk past or try to get away as soon as possible is the reason that it is still happens on our streets. Women, you need to stand your ground and yell at the top of your voice, because chances are there will be some girl who took some defense classes and has been waiting to try out her skills, if not the bastard could do with being shamed. Remember you give people power over you. Oh yeah, go for the throat, a little pressure and he isnÂ’t that tough anymore….
This is SO true. I was once telling a friend about how i sometimes felt unsafe walking to work b/c this one dude kept catcalling me and she said, “well, i wouldn’t feel threatened by that. I love it. I take it as a compliment.”
Some women feel proud of the fact that they get catcalled. Especially if they get attention and their other girlfriends don’t.
It might partly be due to the running gag in tamil movies by vivek and vadivelu getting their ass kicked by undercover woman police officer everytime. Its funny(getting their ass kicked that is). And then after getting caught he calls her akka(sister).
Movies play a big role in determining whats cool and whats not. Movies/sitcoms constantly show how a nice guy does not get a girl and how if you act a little bit rude, hot chicks fall for you. Then thats what most of the morons are going to do. At the end their goal is to get the girl.
Yes, Delhi is bad for that, DesiDawg, but worse I have found to be the interiors of UP. It’s not limited to jats-punjabis-gujjars. Tilak adorned brahmin youths with Ramayana in hand setting off barefoot to the nearest temple are just as guilty.
South India is more polite than North India in general. Yet I’ve been harrassed there too. I got felt up on a Goan bus by a 75 yearish grandfather with cane and I smacked him so hard in the face the whole bus almost shook. The odd thing was that the young women on the bus were laughing. I felt very self-conscious because I didn’t know if they were laughing at me or him, since I don’t understand Konkanese, or whatever lang they were speaking.
For those who did not see what he was doing (nobody), they probably thought I was some manners-less gori memsahib sans tazeeb disrespecting an elder.
Oh, and I am so sorry that you had to go through this, Anna. You take care and let us know if you need a posse/entourage to go out again!
Jai wrote in #34 Whenever a desi girl was harassed in this way, a typical response was for a bunch of her male desi friends (and/or brothers and cousins, if available) to pay a visit to the offending parties … and threaten to beat the crap out of them if they tried to pull that kind of stunt again
sirc wrote in #132 So a mutual male friend took the guy outside, around the corner, away from the prying eyes from the bouncer and street traffic and “housed” the dude
Consequences for street-level sexual harrassment (“eve-teasing” for the desis) are nice, but what if you are a woman without male friends? The tribal honour system (“don’t mess with my woman!”) isn’t really the best solution to men with dehumanizing sexual attitudes.
I apologize that this is somewhat off topic but Anna mentioned Heritage India on Connecticut and I had a humorous anecdote associated with it. My wife and son and I went there to dine one evening. As is our habit, we all washed hands before dining. When we came out, my son told my wife, “Guess what we saw in the bathroom?” My wife nearly turned white and held her breath. “We saw a giant cockroach”. A visiable wave of relief came over my wife. “Oh is that all,” she said.
Luckily he didn’t notice the artwork. We won’t go back there.
Konkani
but what if you are a woman without male friends?
concealed carry baby 🙂
I guess you meant to say “tehzeeb” or maybe “tameez”.
i understand what you are saying JoAT…. what i am trying to elude to and wasn’t clear in saying perhaps is that it is a cycle…
the guy might have gotten away with harrassing a girl who may not have perceived his behaviour as harrasment per say (she could be dressed like britney or perfectly normal)… that guy then tries to get away with harrassing/disrespecting a girl the next time he’s out because he has gotten away with it before…. not to say that girls that like to dress up (say like britney spears) do not have respect for themselves or are the ones letting them get away… i am not associating a woman’s image with her behaviour… i am trying to elude to the fact that some women allow for the disrespect and harrassment of the guys to continue… the same time others are trying to undo it… it’s a little counterproductive…. it frustrates me sometimes, that’s all.
Wait a minute guys, Martial arts fans
I trained shotokan karate for about 5 years (right now, I have taken a break) with some elite masters – including Sensi Stan Schmidt on his visit to Houston from South Africa.
Remember: Any disciplined art does wonders but please do not get a sense of false security. Sure, a expert martial artist can kill few people with minimal effort.
However, I am going to paraphrase Sensei Stan Schmidt:
Unless you have mastered a martial art (be it shotokan karate, judo, kung fu, or plain street fighter) for 10-15 years, do not be stupid – just avoid the situation with minimal impact. He himself gave an exmaple of being mugged in South Africa and not reacting to avoid escalation.
There is a word in Japanese for such philosophy: Zanshin – It [also] means paying attention to our lives. So avoid such situations if you can or as soon as possible.
I remember while commuting back from college in a crowded bus, my classmate reaching out in anonymity & groping a young woman. Next day I confronted him & he said “Dude, girls like that”. Girls like that?!! That day I began my ‘educate-an-a**hole’ campaign. After that he stopped doin ‘that’ in my presence, either out of shame or fear. The number of seemingly educated(med students,grads) people subscribing to this ‘girls like that’ view is staggering.
Varchasva, some people DO like that, but I think I am safe in saying they are the MINORITY.
I guess that got lost in translation 🙂 computer-retina-brain. I’ve actually ran into folks that really felt that way, though.
Again, you’re focusing on the physical aspect of self defense. Now, there are a shit load of BAD, VERY BAD, classes someone can take that DO NOT focus on how to verbally alter a situation to your advantage (read: de-escalation). Any good self defense system would focus on verbal first as a foundation, body language, as well as physical aspects of defending yourself from assault – Verbal, physical, psyhcological, whatever. Every situation also doesn’t merit a response, some do, all to different levels depending on the dynamic.
I participated in a course that specfically addressed these things. Girls in the class, in situations simulated by the instructors (that included real knives as a psychological tool to get adrenalin up and fear) were breaking down, crying. Guys like myself were getting VERY amped up and jumpy. Some in the class were karate/TKD black belts and THEY were suprised how verbal situations or projections of confrontation made them ‘unlearn’ things so fast. Actually, those black belts were in the class as a mandatory requirement for their next level tests. Law enforcement have taken similar classes. Most in the class were never in a serious situation before. Some who were had traumatic memories of defeat/abuse (which amplified their fear/passive-aggressive tendencies).
The idea is to build you, me, or anyone else up to have a basic understanding of how to deal with conflict better. Self defense should include people reading books on philosophy also, on how to train the mind. You’ve learned many things intuitively based on life experience, many have not had such opportunities. We live quite insulated lives where most expect others (authorities, good behavior, civility) to protect. Protection of the mind, body, and your cared ones starts with the individual.
More on Zanshin
Zanshin is defined as a relaxed state of total awareness allowing complete attention to the moment: the focusing of the mind (without thought or emotion) on everything in and around you.
One can learn that through martial art or just common sense.
Sorry, Anna about the hassle. Maybe, sometimes, physically removing oneself is not a bad idea either.
Is that like “unagi”?
I keed. I keed.
Very well put, Kush. “Paying attention to our lives”; I like that. It’s not easy to put yourself in the mindframe to do sudden violence to a stranger. And it’s not easy, once you do so, to do it “cleanly,” with minimum damage to yourself, and to him. It’s all well to talk about eye-pokes, but would you really want to permanently blind a guy because he “brushed” your breast? The first line of action should be to defuse the situation. As someone says, one polite refusal, then ignore, ignore, ignore.
I think it’s part of why I subscribe to the (apparently radical) view that verbal disrespect can be quelled if you choose not to be disrespected by it. Someone calls you a slut. It’s yucky, it’s awful, but you’re not a slut, so technically speaking, it’s not your problem. You don’t have to accept it.
But, as the comments here have made clear– very many good comments, by the way– it’s rarely so simple in practice. And if there’s a physical aspect, there’s a whole different set of rules…
Kush:
I don’t think those of us who’ve brought up martial arts are advocating and aggressive stance. One needs to do whatever it takes to get out of a situation in the best condition. Sometimes it involves walking away. Another time it may involve posturing differently. Each situation is different and understanding the dynamic of what to do and when takes a lot of work.
However, everyone, especially women who shy away from martial arts should participate in some form merely to build a good foundation. Some of the guys I’ve worked with have continually sounded off that women have much better form in martial arts (therefore for size/weight ratio are far more effective) because they don’t fall back into bad habits of using brute force like men do.
There is no subsitute for common sense. Martial arts, a concealed weapon, verbal skills are all tools when used correctly help. When not, you get into trouble.
I agree. In U.P. they use the word “rundi”, which literally means “widow”, but it has come to mean “slut” or “ho”, in the context with which it used on the streets.
Amazing how when I didn’t know Hindi I had no idea what these guys were saying, and I assumed they weren’t saying anything bad in the streets. But after learning Hindi, oh my god, I was exposed to bad language all day long. You hear it through your windows all day long, coz that is how guys in the streets refer to each other – ma chod, bhein chut, etc. It really started bringing my consciousness down.
Anyway, back to the “slut” word. When you say, “you’re not a slut“, in the above, what is your definition of slut? Because different people have different standards of sexual morality, so I guess that it’s all relative. To some people I may be a slut and to others I may be living almost like a nun, just for example.
If she were a “slut”, according to whatever standards, would it then be ok to call her such?
why do you think this happens in Adams Morgan (US Census 2000 numbers)? Something about the location?
One important thing to remember is that this is their problem, not yours – which helps in not feeling so…um…defiled.
PG,
I think you are misinterpreting Mr. K intent. I think his message is the same as No one has the right to upset me but me, if I let people get to me with their words, I have helped them achieve what they set out to and Rundi btw implies prostitute and widhwa is a widow.
That is NOT what I said. Hence getting good training, just like a good education, good job, is fundamental.
No this is not radical. Growing a ‘thick skin’ is essential to such confrontation.
Wait that’s news to me. I thought rundi meant hooker and widow means vidhwa in hindi?
Hey Anna – sorry that you should have to experience this.
I’ve had similar situations on public transport late at night – drunk punks trying to pick a fight while insisting that I reveal the whereabouts of Osama.
Btw you’re wrong. You reacted in a dignified way; they didn’t get the reaction that they wanted out of you. So you did win!