A few hours ago, when I left my new apartment for dinner at Heritage India (Connecticut Ave), rain was escaping the night sky with such fury and speed, my golf umbrella was barely adequate and my mukluks were soaked. They are lined with sheepskin, which is now wet and disgusting. My toes are miserable. I’m barely cognizant of this though, because I’m on the phone, having the most important conversation of my day. I’m so involved with this voice, I barely notice the mile which I’ve walked uphill, the road I’ve made a right turn on, the periodic hordes of people on Adams Morgan’s 18th street, on this dead-because-it’s-wet-and-miserable night.
I should be at my new home, snuggled in my, um, Aerobed, but I have no internet access yet, so Tryst (a much-loved haunt of our Manish’s) has gone from third-place to first place in my life, for the moment. I don’t want to go inside and be the idiot on her cell phone though, so I’m hunched over my umbrella handle while I shiver mindlessly right outside the giant picture window, directly across from “my table“; practically on the sidewalk, it’s close to an electrical outlet and the perfect size for one. It’s also almost exactly where I sit when I’m at Greco. Some call me boring, I prefer consistent.
I’m in the middle of responding to a worrisome revelation when a group of frat-tastic retards lurches past, reeking of sweat and bad alcohol. I’m less vexed by such roving stupidity than some of my friends, mostly because unlike them, I was “Greek” and thus constantly around similar. I turn away from them slightly as they stagger by, wishing Maisnon were here; one of the last times we were together in the Morg, I was grabbed so violently, you could see marks the next day. Well before THAT sickening reminder of ickiness manifested itself in my flesh, our girl became Our Lady of Terrifying Rage. Approximately two minutes after Filthy McNastyman’s fingers defiled my arm, she accosted the pulayadi mon who startled and then offended me. “You do NOT do that”, she ranted, right in his face, as his innards liquefied in the face of her wrath. Ah, good times. But why was I thinking these thoughts? I had no need for such big guns. Nothing was going to happen to me…
“Jewugingglut”
Wait, what? Immediately, I hit a mental rewind even as I strained to listen to the voice currently inhabiting my cell-phone. WAIT. OMG. No. He. Didn’t. I dropped the phone right then from ear to hip and shouted in to the bastardÂ’s wake.
“What the hell did you just say to me??”
He turned back, the look on his face scaring me so much I think I whimpered for Deepa, my Mom and/or my ferocious, late German Shepherd Rani. “I saaaaid, YOU FUCKING SLUT.” This opportunity I had given him to repeat misogynistic filth tickled his friends to no end; they laughed so hard at his courage and genius that they were choking. Two of them slapped him on the back. Oh yeah. You showed me!
The toxic disrespect in his eyes had made my blood go cold, now I felt like I was being microwaved. Shaking replaced shivering, livid indignation supplanting any discomfort with weather. Without pondering or hesitating, I yelled back a suggestion for what he could do with himself, but I felt impotent, despite it. It was painful. If I hadn’t said anything, I would’ve felt steamrolled by him and undone by regret; I did say something and what came next made it all so much worse.
“Fuck that slut.”
“Nah, man. She’s Indian. They’re not sluts.”
“You would know.”
“Hey did that bitch taste like curry when you ate her?”
I obviously don’t know what sort of taste had been left in his mouth at the past point these Neanderthals were referencing, but I knew what the acrid sensation in my mouth meant.
“What just happened? Whom were you shouting at? Where are you? Is it safe?”
“Some guy…just called me “slut”. Twice. I didn’t feel like accepting it, soÂ…anyway I’m in Adams Morgan, in front of Tryst. And no, in some ways I do not feel safe.”
“Some stranger just walked by and called you such a name?”
“Yeah. This day gets better by the MINUTE. I hate this neighborhood. Or, more accurately, the type of entirely-challenged jackass it attracts.”
I try and remind the person IÂ’m conversing with what we were talking about, because they had been in the middle of relating something important; I barely manage to do this effectively. I can’t stop considering pepper spray. Or German Shepherds.
Words flow again via a battered Sprint Samsung and mercifully, within seconds, I am immersed. I am not thinking of racist assholes or how they hate my gender. I am listening too mindfully for such torment. Which is why I don’t notice the man with dreads in the Coogi sweater who is suddenly in my face.
“Excuse me, sweetheart, I’m not tryin’ to bother you, but what’s your name?”
I shake my head and smile politely, pointing to my cellphone with the hand which can barely balance my massive umbrella. I stupidly assume he’ll understand that I am otherwise involved and move on…I want to close my eyes so I can better focus on the voice and the rather important words which I have to hear. It’s a no-win situation; this call HAS to occur RIGHT NOW, when it’s suddenly (and much to my surprise) least convenient for me. I resist the desire to let my eyelids fall because more men are headed my way and I’m starting to feel vulnerable. Can I get a hearty WTF? I’m not dressed up or done up. I can’t remember if I applied deodorant today, it’s been so hectic with errands, appointments and attempts at unpacking. I’m not polished, I’m drenched. And I’m not smiling, I’m frowning. What about ANY of that invites such stubborn attempts at interaction?
“Sweetheart. Sweetheart. I’m tryin’ to tawk to you.”
“I understand that, but I can’t talk right now, I’m really sorry.”
“Well, maybe you can just keep me warm under that big ole umbrella of yours.” He moves in closer as he says this, until he’s touching me. I’m slightly cornered and I instantly want to bolt.
“I’m sorry, I’m not interested. I’m on the phone. WITH MY BF.”
Blatant lie, but so is the apology. May I please have another order of WTF? Why am I the one saying “sorry”?
“Well, tell your man that I ain’t tryin’ to fuck ya, I’m just attemptin’ to holla at his girl.”
More laughter from the pea-brained gallery and the voice on the other end is concomitantly appalled and concerned about my location and my odds.
I’m about to state a definitive “leave me alone” when just as quickly as Coogi and Co. came, they’re off. The sigh I heave is so audible, it freaks out a random dog being walked four feet away.
“I’m fine, wait, what was I saying? No, wait, what were YOU saying? I’m so sorry about this…”
“Excuse me miss, can you keep me dry?”
OH MY GOD. WHY? WHY!
“No. No, I cannot keep you dry. Please go away, I am on the phone.”
“I ain’t tryin’ to hurt you, I’m just tryin’ to get under that umbrella.”
I want to heave this luxurious, sturdy behemoth in to the nearest public trash can. Or pretend it’s a spear and lob it through a neck, any neck of any man who has harassed me in the last 20 minutes.
“I’m talking to my boyfriend. I just want to talk to my boyfriend. Please leave me alone. It’s not even really raining anymore.”
I have no idea why I toss in that last bit of dilettante meteorology or more relevantly, why this umbrella has been the instrument of my doom and then–
“Your boyfriend, huh? What is he, white?”
“I don’t see how this is any of your business, but my (entirely non-existant) boyfriend is Indian.”
“What you couldn’t find an Ethiopian? Bitch.”
I can’t win.
Did I actually, stupidly complain about invisibility last week? I’m so sorry. No, really, this time, I am. If they canÂ’t see me, they canÂ’t say unpleasant things to me…right?
I agree with Jai, one important point I learned in a self-defence class during my undergrad years was that look at the person who is being creepy. Take a mental note of the clothes he is wearing, the colors, the type of shoes etc. Just doing that will make you look strong in front of his eyes because they know when you observe them. You don’t look as vulnerable as you would if you put your head down or look the other way.
Sumiti,
Well, yes, because theoretically the desi guys “should know better”. However, you deal with it in the same way anyway.
Welcome to Britain. I did say that we destroyed the “nerdy desi victim” stereotype a very long time ago !
Pardesi Gori,
It’s always been bad in some regions there, and the offenders concerned frequently don’t pay any attention to how young or old their target is. I’ve heard from older female relatives that the “rudeness” in this matter has got worse in recent years, although I don’t know if this perspective is accurate or just a matter of misplaced nostalgia for non-existent “safer” times.
For those of you who aren’t from the DC area and are not familiar with Adams Morgan, this recent article from the Washington City Paper may provide some helpful context.
Most women I know want to “retaliate” (actually or metaphorically), but are so dumbfounded at the moment at which it (man copping a feel in a crowded bus, man leaning out of moving van to make a lewd comment, man pushing himself under your umbrella a block away from your apartment and requesting, no, demeanding, a kiss [yes, this has happened to me too]) happens, they just don’t. know. how. to. react. Your mind just shuts down. To restate what Meenakshi said, for a lot of women, it “feels like one of those dreams where you are trying to say something, but no words come out of your mouth.”
I agree with Comment # 54.
Imagine feeling like a loser when a girl looks at you as if you were patronizing her – you dont need to thank, but dont tell me that I was being sexist. It happened and hence I keep my trap shut and only help when sought.
45. A few years ago Delhi police carried out a sting operation. The harassed woman would casually turn around say “Police. You’re under arrest. Oh, and b t w, you’re on camera.”
Much hilarity ensued. Studs tearing up / “Madam I beg of you. Please don’t show the tape to my wife.”, etc.
Sweet.
Oh, ANNA! What a f*ckawful night!!
Seriously, is there any tactic that works in this situation? Ignoring it makes you feel like a victim and icky, and standing up for yourself can go either way… sometimes it escalates, sometimes you scare the prickless wonder off.
At a show in NYC, we went out to the sidewalk between band sets. I exited the club first, followed by Mr. DD. Some punkass kid, standing up against the wall in front of the club, looks me up and down, looks at Mr. DD, and exclaims “You‘re f*cking her??”
I think I got 2 steps in before I realized what this little shit said, Mr. DD hardly registered it– he had his NY blinders on. I whipped around, stuck my finger in dude’s face and yelled “WHAT did you just say??!!!” -his friends actually backed away from him, as if his shit-talking was actually across the implied line of street-thug decency and he was on his own. One even said “you on your own, kid”
Starting with “how dare you!” and moving into “do you have a sister? would you kick somebody’s ass if they talked to your sister that way? I AM somebody’s sister, asshole…” and “what about me walking by means it’s your right to comment on me?”, etc etc etc. But the guy was like 18, so it was an easy fight. The bouncer of the club made him come back over to apologize, and he’s like “I meant no harm…” -Talking like THAT you meant no harm? You need a M-F*ing word-a-day calendar then, because your vocabulary is in dire need of expansion.
My only regret in that situation? I should have flat decked his ass. 😉
I have to say, this is my ONE area of expertise, since I encountered it DAILY in India.
For the first couple of years I was totally devastated everytime it happened, it left me in tears actually. Plus, add the confusion of not knowing the language or whether or not a riot will start if you retaliate, and you can imagine the fear in my beating heart. But after living there for a while, learning hindi and getting to feel “a part of it all”, I learned the ropes with “eve teasers”.
If it’s just something like some guy wanting to cozy up to you under your umbrella while your talking on a cell phone, the best way to make him feel like he does not exist is to simply pretend you never even saw him and keep on chatting away with your back turned towards him. That’s a big insult.
But when it comes to actually TOUCHING – nothing short of a counter-attack will do.
That might be easier in India where the men tend to be smaller and often-times AFRAID of women who counter-attack. In India they always start running when I do this, but over here, I don’t know. I was never harrassed in USA so the dynamics indeed may be different.
In India there is starting to be a backlash against the Blank Noise Project girls and the guys are saying, “if he looked like Hrithik Roshan you wouldn’t be complaining”.
Well, that depends on how Hrithik makes his move. There is a big difference between someone politely showing a genuine interest in you and some guy on the street walking behind you hissing.
Anyway, in India I carry a big safety pin with me on public transportation. If any elbow finds it’s way to my breast on an overcrowded bus – someone gets pricked.
It works. They move away.
Pooja, that’s so painful (comment #54). And you describe it so well, as does Anna in her original post. And it’s alarming to be reminded, once again, of the frequency and constancy of this blot.
I’m not ashamed to call myself a feminist, even if I’m aware of the internal contradictions of that identification. For a long time now, I’ve thought misogyny one of the most pressing of our social problems. But, unlike racism and homophobia, I don’t see it getting better. We’re too used to it, too invested in it.
There are words and stories in our culture about man vs woman that would cause riots if they were white vs black or even white vs brown. Over and over again, the media depicts women as weak, foolish and sexually available. And the media expresses the will of the people. It’s not an exagerration to say that we function within a woman-despising culture. And it’s a lot worse in many places outside the US. The jerkoffs who grab women on the subway are only the tip of the iceberg.
There is only one solution. Strong women. Because that’s what human beings understand. The language of power.
But if we’re talking about power, there’s all kinds.
There’s mace, there’s the knee in the balls, there’s DD’s murderous wit (yo!), but there’s also other, more profound and farther reaching kinds…
Bidismoker (#54) and Prasad (#57) – Same thing happened to me a couple of times. In both instances, I ended up making a fool of myself..’cos the girl(s) somehow thought that I was “being sexist” and “asserting my manlihood(!!?)” by trying to help her. I backed out immediately.
Why won’t guys understand that NO means NO?
For the two years I lived in DC carless, street harrassment was a daily part of living there. Out of all the US cities I’ve been to, is by far the worst. Men feel entitled to harrass. they hoot and holler, then call you ugly if you ignore them, you always have this fear that the next one will take it physical- I even got propostioned for sex on the green line once. You learn to walk across the street if you see someone walking to you, back tense, no eye contact. And when I moved back to LA, one of the first things I noticed how I could share a sidewalk with a man and I didn’t have to be afraid.
I was involved back then is a street harrassment training (back before holla back, I think)and it was really helpful. It wasn’t about yelling back at your harrasser but talking back at him telling him that you didn’t like what he was doing. (The premise is guys think that you like it, or they are following the momentum- the good ones when talked to will actually stop what they are doing). I don’t think I have my pamphlet on this anymore…But they do have a group listserve for DC street harrassment. Don’t Call Me Baby.
No one should EVER feel scared to be a woman that says no. Mad props for talking back Anna.
Another piece of advice given to women (though I’ve only heard this while in India) is to draw attention to the harasser, shaming him in public. Any anecdotes as to the effectiveness of this tactic, ladies of SM?
Another question;
Have these guys actually had success with this kind of approach with women before?
If so, then it’s understandable while they keep doing it. But if not, why the hell do they keep on? I mean, if you’ve hooted and hollered at 500 women and not one of those 500 women responded in a positive way (meeting you for dinner later that night), then why the hell keep doing it?
And, what exactly do they expect from women? I mean, do they expect the woman to be like, “I’m so charmed by your approach and good looks, HELL YEAH, let’s meet later”?!?!?!
It’s like in India when I’m buying fruit and some really ugly dude says, “kiss me”…. Now, if I would’ve send, “Chello mera room…” would he actually have KNOWN what to do with me?
Or the 13 year old kid who passed me in the street and said, “I want to fuck you”.
Had I taken him up on the offer would he know the first thing about pleasing a woman?
I just can’t figure out what the hell these guys want/expect.
Pooja,
I’ve shamed and beaten up plenty of guys in India. It works. Generally any type of retaliation worked for me there. I wouldn’t know about USA though.
The biggest thing was for me to first overcome my own shame at making a public spectacle in India. They took some time. Now I’m totally comfy with it and do it regularly, as is needed.
Good advice Taz. The post certainly brought up so many ugly memories. I have usually dealt with the hoots/hollers/inappropriate comments by simply ignoring it. In my experience, 9 times out of 10, it doesn’t work and instead I get yelled at comments like “effing slut, who does she think she is… skank.. ya da ya da ya da.” It always makes me cringe but I’ve resigned to pulling out my trusty pepper spray. Turning around and speaking to them could be a good idea, but I generally don’t like confrontation, and it creeps me out to talk to the creep-os.
I certainly would not think a man is a sexist if he tried to help out. It would be kosher as long as he didn’t ask me out for a date afterwards.
I was basically told to fuck off by a couple different girls in college because “they didn’t need our help.” One girl basically insinuated that it was sexist for me to assume that a girl needed a man’s help in such a situation. I merely apologized and moved on. Since then, I’ve largely ignored the rudeness I notice is prevalent among other males, because I don’t want to impose my apparently backward worldview on modern women.
God, this is sad. What we NEED is more men who will stand up and say to other men “What you are doing is not right.” The fact that these men are being shamed into silence is sad. Sure, women can do it for themselves, but working TOGETHER is even better. Feminism isn’t about reversing roles of men and women; it is about giving everyone an equal voice.
I read this and I wanted to kick those guys into the middle of next week. My first thought was “She needs pepper spray … any time a guy said something not cool, they get to cry.” … but we live in such a litigious society … I don’t think you can do that… however, if he touches you, like the umbrella guys, then he DESERVES pepper spray, or worse.
What gave any man the idea that he has a RIGHT to touch a woman he doesn’t know? And what makes them do this? Are so many men in this world perverts? I believe in the goodness of humanity and don’t think that’s the case… but there’s definitely an underlying societal OK that is given to them, gives them this license.
Women can change that. But men have a responsibility to speak out too. Women have every right to defend themselves; they don’t need a knight on his white horse. But if it becomes socially unacceptable between men for a guy to grab a woman on the street or catcall her, the behaviour will eventually cease.
beaten up!!!
Senax – hell ya!!!!
And I know I’ll have to do it again.
I always prepare myself psychologically for that before going.
Like One-up said – a Durga avatar that can be turned off and on at will, when neccessary.
Comment 69 Uvacha: I certainly would not think a man is a sexist if he tried to help out. It would be kosher as long as he didn’t ask me out for a date afterwards.
That basically sums up how we guys feel – just because we help, doesnt mean we are gonna ask you out!
True, but the problem here is that like attracts like. I can honestly say that NONE of my dude friends would ever behave this way, even in our worst state, so my telling them that it’s not cool isn’t very productive. On the other hand, jerks like these tend to move in packs. I, and most sane men, avoid crowds like this and quite frankly, you’ll have to work hard to convince me that I should spend more time with these people in order to teach them respect for women. That’s there parents’ job. If there parents failed, it’s probably too late at this point to try to convince them otherwise.
reminds me of the sex & the city episode where a construction worker is harassing Miranda, daily, in front of his boyz. Finally one day she turns around and totally loses her shit, “you got what I want?? you got what I need?” and proceeds to list the problems she’s got in her life… and says something to the effect of “can you handle that, can you give me what i need?” and the guy is so mortified he apologizes.
alas, life is not like sex & the city 😉
Pardesi Gori:
How exactly do you beat up guys? Also, when someone is being creepy, what exactly do you say to them? I really want to learn the words because when I am in those situations I don’t know what to say immediatly.
Kudos to you girl for being so strong.
Another piece of advice given to women (though I’ve only heard this while in India) is to draw attention to the harasser, shaming him in public. Any anecdotes as to the effectiveness of this tactic, ladies of SM?
Useless. There is no sense of shame-as-a-bad-thing left in America. Most of these guys probably have parents that were too busy to instill a sense of values in them anyway, if they were even there in the first place. They’ll just call you a skanky ho and walk on to harass the next girl, feeling like they still got the upper hand.
I am usually a very nonviolent person … but when guys dehumanize us like that, I wish I could beat them to a bloody pulp and get away with it.
I meant “their” parents. My lack of spelling skills always gets the better of me.
Bidi, this is what alot of Indian guys are saying to the BNP girls.
Wow. Such women must have real low self-esteem if they don’t mind being treated like shit by a guy just coz he’s “cute”. On the other hand you do see guys that tolerate just about anything from a woman if she’s “super-hot”. Superficial people with no self-respect.
What is Aguilera’s philosophy?
Two words:
pepper spray.
they expect to get away with it! it’s a bravado thing or something… and they don’t give a f$#& about a woman’s respect.
I was going to suggest Jai Singh’s #51, self-defence/martial arts, but I felt that this is some kind of elephant in the room and people don’t want to talk about it. The woman in my life took these up at the first opportunity she got in order to deal with experiences like this. It’s not like it needs any special fitness or anything. In fact, she was quite unathletic when she started. Now, I’m looking forward to getting some help and protection from her presence if I get into a sticky situation. I know we all have busy lives. I know we shouldn’t have todo it, the harrassers should stop etc. But aren’t there some things that one just has to do? Dedicating a few hours a week for just one year to do this should give you confidence for your whole life. The sooner you get started, the better. This weekend is a time to start as any other.
77- when in the subway and creepy frotteuristic dude is bothering you, a loud and simple “you can take your penis off my leg now” usually works 😉
“if you’ve hooted and hollered at 500 women and not one of those 500 women responded in a positive way (meeting you for dinner later that night), then why the hell keep doing it?” For majority of these sad wankers, that’s the only realistic chance of conversation / contact w/ women.
I often want to take out my Swiss Army knife and carve an “A” onto their foreheads, for “A**hole.”
Been There Seen That –
I usually run after them and they run away in fear before I get a chance to beat them up.
But I have beaten plenty. Hitting, punching, whatever it takes.
As far as pepper spray and stun guns….. well, I did carry a stun gun through town one night and wouldn’t you know – that’s the one night I didn’t get harrassed. And I was really pumped to stun someone too.
I didn’t carry the stun gun anymore coz I had a fear in my mind that the guy would fall back on a brick wall and get a concusion or something and I’d have to face a long Indian legal battle which would only reach verdict when my great-grandkids were having kids or when I achieved mukti/moksha.
I always have this fear that if I do something really bad to the guy, his family or neighbors will retaliate and have me kicked out of India (easy to bribe the FRO) or something major.
So, basically I just stick with slapping, punching.
I tell you, the safety pin on public transportation works like a charm! And I picked up that idea from a TIMES OF INDIA article written by a woman giving advice to India’s female population on how to deal with “eve-teasers” and “roadside romeos”, as they are called.
yes, all the time. it’s trawling and for every 500 catcalls, even a smile and a node is a score. think ggw. think ibiza, cancun, las vegas. i’m sorry for you all as individuals – but i am part of this society – you are part of this society – we can not detach from it – we are all responsible for a neighborhood when we give up control to marauders who have no stake in the neighborhood.
Sumiti – appreciate your input but Toronto is not DC. Parts of Colleg St get bad – but never as bad as this. There is still a sense of community – people who work there, live there – makes a big difference.
Bidismoker, good to see you back here.
I see the direction you are headed in. Like PG said, a lot of Indian guys say such things. Related to the BNP, read this post from Hemangini
Sorry, I meant “are asking such things”
I’m really sorry guys. On behalf of all women out there let me be the first to apologize for this. This is where feminism has fucked over some women that don’t understand what it means.
Believe me I’ve heard it too. If he was attractive you wouldn’t mind. Well you know what he’s not, in fact he’s butt ugly, so which part of I’m not interested is not clear? Reason doesn’t work in this case but putting someone down gives me sick satisfaction.
Unfortunately I’m ashamed for mankind to say yes. I have seen guys use the same disgusting line on me on someone else right after and the woman is responsive!! So these dickwad think all women must like it.
Just once I actually got the courage to walk upto the guy after he went on everyday and say “OK lets go come on, your place or mine, or should I just come down into the construction site?” to which he turned red and said “Lady I was just kidding, sorry!”
This reminds me. There was a series called Subway Stories on HBO years ago. One of the stories had Ajai Naidu & Sarita Chowdhary in it. They were in the subway. He was with another friend who started picking on her because she was Indian, then Naidu went on to harrass her and touch her I think. She went apeshit and beat the crap out of Naidu. Both ended up at the precinct. Then he apologized or something to that effect. But those words, the Indian slurs brought such bad memories back for me when I saw that show I cried.
If someone violates me physically I have no problem ending up on the wrong side of the law. None. Have done it before. Will do it again.
There are fairly strict pepper spray laws in NYC. You have to be over the age of 18 and register yourself as a legal pepper spray carrier. But pepper sprays can be problematic. More often than not people end up spraying themselves. They are cumbersome and not always easy to carry in your palm as you walk. You also end up spraying everyone around you as a result of discharging it and in a crowd it ends up being a legal offense. So it sounds like an easy solution but it’s really not. Generally the only people that carry pepper spray now are law enforcement officers.
I wish they had a zapper of some sort. I just go by and zap someone and it sends a mind numbing painful zap to the man’s penis so that he’s rendered useless and in pain for at least 24 hours!! Any Mutineers want to take this up??? I can find you at least 1000 women who will buy it!
On the pepper spray idea, in DC, pepper spray must be registered with the police.
BidiSmoker, the best way to talk to a woman you do not know is to say, “Hello, my name is [BidiSmoker].”
My favourite “street shaming” happened in Amsterdam. I was on Oude Hogenstraat (sp?) and it had just started raining. All of the tourists were huddled on either side of the street under the awnings. This guy stood on the corner and yelled “VROUW” at me (‘Woman’ in Dutch – dude, seriously???) He (finally) figured out that I’m more of an English speaker and asked me to come talk to him, I said I didn’t have time. He said, “You don’t have even a minute?” And I said, “NOT FOR YOU!” The gratifying part was having everyone laugh at him. FOR ONCE, I think it might have made him think the next time he was tempted to holla at some chiquita.
Also good: telling the guy trying to cop a feel in the crush of people waiting for drinks at the bar that he could remove his hand from my ass or I would allow him to choose which testicle he’d lose.
Re: SATC, Miranda’s harasser – after she gives her litany of complaints and is says something to the effect of “let’s go, big boy!” says “Take it easy, lady …. I have a wife!”
I got very inspired reading all the comments on this post and decided that the next time someone disrespected me, I would certainly say something. I thought these things as I headed for the bathroom at work. And a co-worker, acquaintance I have hung out with before, stops me to say “hi” and chat while the entire time staring at the breasts (literally, he didn’t look at me). All the inspiration vanished, and once again, I said nothing, but this time politely smiled and walked into the bathroom to get away from creep-o. Sigh I’m not even pissed off anymore, I just don’t want to deal with it…
hairy_D – i appreciate your comment but are you a woman? 🙂 and btw the greatest disrespect i have ever experienced from desi guys has been in toronto clubs… perfect way to ruin the night!
it may not be as bad here as it is in DC but it still happens. it is an issue in many communities everywhere in world. different degrees does not excuse the act itself – disrespect should not acceptable, not even once.
I once asked a man “What’s the matter your mother doesn’t have any?” and it stopped him. It made me feel vile to bring his mother into it but it put things in perspective and he stopped. The staring at the breasts things blows my mind. I mean this shit happens in my office building even if you have a turtleneck on. WTF.
To those who want to take such classes, make sure you don’t get to some fancy shmancy class where you’re taught some crazy moves, whatever. Martial arts are good way of making a establish a good foundation, but it takes a lot of practice. Boxing, Muy Thai, BJJ, are some forms that establish a good base for fitness as well as fighting/defending.
In most confrontational situations, your adrenalin will spike so much that you’ll wind up ‘locking’ up. That and when you do engage, most will throw wild haymakers flailing and swinging. For those of you who can’t think of anything witty to say back, well, adrenalin has a bit to do with that, too. Gross motor movements -knee to the groin, open palm strike to the face, if grasped in a forward bear hug bunching your fingers up like you’re about to eat rice with your hands and gouging eyes, elbow strikes, are good basic effective techniques which most folks like us (those whose jobs don’t deal with confrontation on a daily basis) can use under high stress situations.
Breathe. Maintain an assertive and calm posture (note: not aggressive). Never try escalating a situation (easier said than done, I’ve had my fair share of stupid bar brawls. Looking back, absolutely stupid, you never know what someone is carrying). If shit hits the fan (from a defensive posture), don’t hold back. Fish hooks, bite, whatever. Get out of the situation and call 911. If you’re unarmed and are faced with weapons. Run (call 911).
Flashing the cell phone to idiots threatening to call 911 works really well, too. Cellphones provide a good deterrent. I’ve used that a couple of times.
Ah, yes. I have said, “They don’t talk, you know” before. (The person, a non-English speaker, stammered that he didn’t know what I was talking about. So, you’re blushing to the roots of your hair because….?) Another common is “the EYES are up here.” Or the ever-popular suddenly dropping your head to boob-level.
Girls I love the good ass comebacks to boobie staring. Duly noted. Bidi — it is never inappropriate to insinuate that a woman looks younger then her age.
No, I am not afraid. I grew up in a bad area and I’ve had a very mature body since before I reached my teens… so I learned how to ignore and deal with men very early. I am always aware of my surroundings, and I use them to my advantage. I am never in an area where I am outnumbered in that way…
I’m not trying to be rude Anna, but in the future, if you cannot (or just dont want to have to) convince some jerk that you don’t want his attention, the best thing to do is remove yourself from the area. Yes, you should be able to go and do what you want, but that’s not how life goes.
DD: a knee to the groin (or punch) works just as well and is equally painful.
no.
hate to say this – but the only reason you notice the desi guys is because we’re gauche. bidismoker is adorable in his inimitable way btw. 🙂
but the root of the problem is the absence of accountability among the transients and the spinelessness of the locals to take charge of their neighborhoods.
isnt there a case study from montreal where a group of seniors took back their neighborhood from crackheads – just by putting up a bridge table and playing there until they had reclaimed their community.
anna, i’m sorry this happened to you… i was horrified to hear that someone could talk like that to you.
🙁
Anna – I’m sorry you had to go through that.
Bidismoker and Prasad – That is annoying and has happened to me too. Most women who react like that don’t realize that the guy who tried to help, is probably the type of person who would stand up for anyone regardless of gender.
I’m not sure how public humiliation would work in the States, but I agree with PG, it is pretty effective in India. I’ve seen a couple of Dharma Adis being dished out in Chennai as a result of someone being called out for “eve teasing”
ThatÂ’s a great idea.
Zap-on, apply directly to the penis Zap-on, apply directly to the penis Zap-on, apply directly to the penis
Great point. It all starts from situational awareness. Guys and girls get mugged all the time. A good friend was on the receiving end of a brutal mugging and fortunately he didn’t wind up dead, but ultimately it was his lack of situational awarness (and being a drunk dude who wandered off) that put him at a disadvantage.
No, not all.
I do, and you do, but not all.