The Love Goat

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Imagine, if you will, that the following fictional conversation took place between myself (in my best Jon Lovitz voice) and a girl named “Preeti:”

Abhi: Hey Preeti.

Preeti: Whad up?

Abhi: You know we’ve been together for two whole months now. I just wanted you to know that I’m really excited about us. I think we make a good couple. You complete me. I think we are helping each other grow, both together and as individuals.

Preeti: Uh huh. That’s sweet.

Abhi: Well, since it is our two-month anniversary I thought I would get you something special.

Preeti: Cool, did you get me a brown Zune?

Abhi: No darling. Check this out though. I just had a star named after you. I wanted you to know that my love for you will shine brightly forever.

Preeti: Forever?

Abhi: Foreva-eva. Just think! Every time you look up there in the sky at the star formerly known as ZX56C92 you will think about how much I burn for you!

Okay, has anyone vomited yet? I am willing to bet that at least one reader out there has had a star named after them or named a star after someone. Admit it! We’ve all done things we are ashamed of. This is definitely not how I’d go about declaring my feelings for someone. Then again, I’m not sure I have ever developed a really good method for showing someone I care. The fictional conversation above leads me to a real conversation that took place over this past weekend.

I met up with my friend Sanjay on Saturday night for dinner.

Sanjay: Hey dude, so I recently looked into donating this goat…

Abhi: What? I didn’t know you had a boat.

Sanjay: No, I said goat.

Abhi: Was it an old coat?

Sanjay: No no. A GOAT.

Abhi: Wait, how do you donate a goat?

I can’t believe I hadn’t already heard about this. Apparently you can donate or sponsor a goat (or other productive farm animal) in an impoverished region of the world. Here is just one of the several organizations (1,2,3) I found which runs this sort of program:

The Need? In poor villages women are typically the most disadvantaged – supporting most of the family burdens (children, water, health, nutrition, etc) but totally dependent on their men-folk for money. We identify the most vulnerable people within the community, supply them with a female goat and train them in goat-rearing & management.

The Opportunity? Starting with just one female goat, a woman can build her own source of milk, manure, meat and money for the benefit of her family. Within a year she will be able to pass on her first female kid to another disadvantaged family – allowing this ‘new start’ to help another household, and so sustain and expand the scheme. After this, she can keep the kids and build a small herd if she wants.

Where in India? – the project will start off in Tehra near Agra,Uttar Pradesh, in an area where our Indian partner organisation, Schumacher Centre Delhi (SCD) is already working with the British High Commission on a reproductive health and child care programme. The project will then be extended to locations elsewhere in India – probably in Uttaranchal and in Orissa. [Link]

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p>Some organizations even allow you to sponsor the goat for life (instead of simply donating money for a one time gift). Here is what you get:

1) Garden Harvest’s official adoption certificate in your name or in the name of someone you specify, if you choose to give the adoption as a gift.
2) A life history of your goat, sent to you or to someone you specify
3) Photographs of the adopted goat sent to you or to someone you specify
4) Quarterly newsletters about your adopted goat, letting you know of his/her activities as the season changes
5) Photographs of your goat’s baby goats when a birthing occurs
6) Your name (or the name of the one you specify) will be permanently listed on a plaque that will be installed on the Goat House. [Link]

With this new knowledge in hand I have decided that I now know the proper way by which to declare my love for someone. This is how it will play out the next time I make it to the two-month-mark with a woman (imagine my voice sounds like that of Michael “Bass” McCary of Boyz II Men):

Abhi: Hey Preeti. How are you baby?

Preeti: Whad up?

Abhi: Girl I’m here for you. All those times of night when you just hurt me, and just run out with that other fella. Baby I knew about it, I just didn’t care. You just don’t understand how much I love you do you? I’m here for you.

Preeti: Uh huh. That’s sweet.

Abhi: Baby, I’m sponsoring a goat in your name in India. Here is the goat’s life history. We will be getting quarterly news letters and pictures of her and any of her future babies. We are in this together and have someone that depends on us now. It would be bad if you left me.

Preeti: Oh baby! Can we name it?

Abhi: Sure, whatever you want.

All I am saying is that the gift of a goat is worth considering and I hope you all remember this post on next Valentine’s Day.

49 thoughts on “The Love Goat”

  2. Abhi: Foreva-eva.

    Foreva-eva-eva?

    guilty I bought a star for my bestest girlfriend, but it was a really sad occasion and I did it as a memorial to her lost loved one. (it was a beloved doggie, be nice!) I have not sponsored goats, but one year for xmas, a friend of mine received sponsorship of a waterbuffalo in India. She said it beat the hell out of the ugly wool sweater she usually gets.

  3. Abhi, I’ll admit only to you, my resident LA mutineer, I thought about it and will probably do it someday. Karmically speaking, I’ll never understand my stars, but will pretend to own one for the sake of truth, beauty, freedom, but above all, love.

  4. In poor villages women are typically the most disadvantaged – supporting most of the family burdens (children, water, health, nutrition, etc)
 but totally dependent on their men-folk for money.

    This has the same principles as microfinance, only replace the goat with credit, milking with lenders, and manure with….I dunno.

    One would think that with an artistic license to embellish a fake convo one could be more suave. As a ladies single man, I recommend affectionately using terms like bakhri or mutton instead of baby to get into the mood of good loving goat giving.

  5. One of my friends sponsored a goat in my name, I got a nice little card and everything from Heifer. That was after I went there and shoveled cow manure for a few weeks. I might even have met that goat, maybe, while I was muddling around trying to figure out where one puts cow manure 🙂 I think stars are still a bad idea though.

  7. UMM, are you from Sudan?

    Sudan man forced to ‘marry’ goat

    A Sudanese man has been forced to take a goat as his “wife”, after he was caught having sex with the animal.

    The goat’s owner, Mr Alifi, said he surprised the man with his goat and took him to a council of elders.

    They ordered the man, Mr Tombe, to pay a dowry of 15,000 Sudanese dinars ($50) to Mr Alifi.

    “We have given him the goat, and as far as we know they are still together,” Mr Alifi said.

    Mr Alifi, Hai Malakal in Upper Nile State, told the Juba Post newspaper that he heard a loud noise around midnight on 13 February and immediately rushed outside to find Mr Tombe with his goat.

    “When I asked him: ‘What are you doing there?’, he fell off the back of the goat, so I captured and tied him up”.

    Mr Alifi then called elders to decide how to deal with the case. “They said I should not take him to the police, but rather let him pay a dowry for my goat because he used it as his wife,” Mr Alifi told the newspaper.

  8. No, I am not from Sudan. But I really object to the barbaric custom of dowry; Mr. Alifi should be ashamed of himself. Also, somebody really needs to save Africa.

  9. Also, somebody really needs to save Africa.

    Dude, don’t even worry about it. Kate Moss will save Africa.

  10. The International Astronomical Union recommends against giving people money for naming stars. You might as well print out a nice certificate yourself and save yourself the money.

    The Garden Harvest folk have a menu of animals you can adopt/donate and I guess even name.

  11. A group of us named a star after a baby (of a friend) who died at birth. The parents were appreciative that we chose to remember their baby this way. We got a beautiful moving note of thanks from them.

  13. Thank you, Abhi, for posting this information about sponsoring farm animals.

    It reminds me to ask if any of you out there can recommend to me a program for sponsoring children which is not affiliated with any Christian efforts? Thank you.

  15. Deepa, I have a friend who speaks highly about CRY. I am not too sure about the Christian angle though. Peace

  16. Kobayashi had a little goat, with onions, garlic, ghee. His fondness for such creatures has always been clear to see.

  21. Deepa,

    There are many good organizations in India, here are a few I am familiar with and know they are legit:

    1.) Akanksha Foundation: Afterschool education programs for underpriviliged kids 2.) Akshay Patra Foundation: Hot school lunches for underpriviliged kids 3.) CCDT: Committed Communities Development Trust: HIV/AIDS services for women and children

    If you need anymore info, I worked with many NGOs in India when I was there, feel free to email me for more info.

    PS: I don’t know of any goat giving programs but it is interesting. Perhaps helps beat the skepticism of giving cash when you know something good(?) will come out of it. How effective is this program anyways?? 🙂

  22. What a business plan. I think I am going to start a Name-Your-Own-Subatomic-Particle service. Set up a database, hook up a credit-card machine and cha-ching!

    “Would you like an Up-Quark or a Down-Quark?”

    By the way, if rearing goats is as easy as they claim, why aren’t the desi urban folk all over this idea? It seems like there are lots of people vying for the immigrant-guilt laden, give-back-to-my-bharat-mata sentiment.

  23. foreva-eva…

    I think they are onto something with this goat thing. If somebody “sponsors” a goat under my name, would i be able to get some of the milK?…mehhhh mehhhhh

  24. I think goat sponsoring has been around for a while now……remember watching something like this on oprah a long time ago.

  27. “It reminds me to ask if any of you out there can recommend to me a program for sponsoring children which is not affiliated with any Christian efforts? Thank you.”

    i know saying so may not be pc — but the above statement really bothers me

  28. your mention of goats…reminds me of the gujarati stories i used to read with my dad as a child… a series called ‘bakor patel’…(he was a goat and his friends were animals..)… sigh… i would name the goat i’d potentially buy after him… 🙂

  29. Hehe… There’s actually a minor planet named Sharanya (though not after me, I’m afraid), according to Wiki. So I don’t see any reason why I should be forking out for stars. 🙂

  30. 27: rani on September 27, 2006 11:01 AM “It reminds me to ask if any of you out there can recommend to me a program for sponsoring children which is not affiliated with any Christian efforts? Thank you.” i know saying so may not be pc — but the above statement really bothers me

    Never fear. Your statement is quite PC. The original sentiment is definetly not.

  32. Dang! There goes that idea

    ha ha ha .. good thing you’re not my real husband or I’d have to give you a real lecture on gift-giving =)

  33. For the clueless husbands out there, goats are not acceptable anniversary gifts.

    Imagine what a better place this world would be if you placed a link to the goat idea on your wedding site. What about a goat wedding registry?

  34. I can’t believe I got dumped for this Preeti bitch. I was totally smitten when you had a star named after me. And I’m a Capricorn, so the goat would’ve been an apposite gift as well. Yes, even for our sniffle anniversary.

  35. No von Mises:

    This has the same principles as microfinance, only replace the goat with credit, milking with lenders, and manure with….I dunno.

    Marketing or Legal, take your pick.

    And I am buying a star for that Sudanese goat. If ever a goat deserved a star, that one does. No romance, no murmured sweet nothings, no foreplay. Just wham-baaa-aaa-aa-aa-aa-aaam-thank-you-ma’am. And if they did it in the Sudan, you know that some desi’s already got the market covered: mail-order goats, daintily photographed with overly-serious expressions, with profile names like “goatse1989” (how ’bout THEM apples, SA?) and headlines like, “Need a good Ram!” (badump-bump).

    Ok, I’m going to hell. Giggling.

  36. The Goat I adopted came with the following additonal rewards:

    7) Choice of Halal or Haram? 8) Quartly newsletter from Bawarchis United, includes delicious goat recipieces and other meat delicacies which you could “adopt and consume”.

    I’ll take 2 PLEASEEEEE!!!

  37. Goats aren’t just for Valentine’s Day!

    I’m thinking about getting my dad a beehive from Heifer.org for Christmas. They offer lots o’ livestock.

  39. I once had the hots for girl named Preeti, but she ignored me like yesterday’s garbage. Ofcourse, she became my rakhi sister thereafter and lived happily everafter 🙂

  40. Bwahahahaha!

    Abhi: Well, since it is our two-month anniversary I thought I would get you something special.

    I totally thought you were going to follow this up with a “I’m going to propose to you on my blog!” 😀

    I’ve been to several weddings where the couple asked for donations to a list of charities. They’re usually people in their 30s who have been living together for a while, so there’s no need for pots and pans. It’s pretty cool. A really expensive and exciting present–sponsor a water pump. Slightly less expensive: A school washroom.

    You could make this excellent present even more ideal by then taking your lady friend on a camping trip to the desert, armed with a telescope and a star guide. Find a pretty star and nickname it after her right there. Who cares what anyone else thinks? 😉 Much better than a piece of paper.

  41. Re. #13, Deepa:

    I have sponsored through Asha/ as well as CRY. Asha is there to support education of under-privileged children in India and CRY tries to improve children’s rights. Lately, I have been sponsoring through IAHV mainly because I am involved in the Art of Living foundation which is their spiritual wing. They also allow you to choose the program where you want to spend the money and have a lot of relief programs around the world.

    Some of the Christian organizations that sponsor children to schools in India do an excellent job of making sure that the money you donate actually get there.

  42. Abhi, I bet if you record a Boyz II Men style cover of this song, it would be a great fundraising tool.

    Love, exciting and new Come Aboard. We’re expecting you. Love, life’s sweetest reward. Let it flow, it floats back to you. The Love Goat soon will be making another run The Love Goat promises something for everyone Set a course for adventure, Your mind on a new romance. Love won’t hurt anymore It’s an open smile on a friendly shore. Yes LOVE! It’s LOVE! Love Goat soon will be making another run The Love Goat promises something for everyone Set a course for adventure, Your mind on a new romance. Love won’t hurt anymore It’s an open smile on a friendly shore. It’s LOVE! It’s LOVE! It’s LOVE! It’s the Love Goat-ah! It’s the Love Goat-ah!

    You could shoot a video with the Magical Goat all bling-blinged up running around behind you in the Swiss Meadows, Bollywood style. And since we all know how much you hate Bollywood, we would feel sorry for you and give you even more money.

  49. I’ve gotten those Heifer brochures in the mail but the one queasy thought that always crosses my mind is: what if you donate a goat/cow/chickens, and the animal ends up being mistreated by the family?

    Do these organizations do any follow-up, outreach, etc.?

    Yeah, yeah, I know that the ultimate good that’s served is that the animals nourishes the family through a variety of ways, and I’m just being a real softie for animals, but still, it’d be like giving up a dog or a cat for adoption and finding out that it ended up in an abusive home…