A few weeks ago we discussed a new kind of camp for Indian children adopted by white American parents. Today, via a tip on the news tab, I came across an article on Alternet by a Jewish New Yorker who adopted an Indian baby as a single mother, and was somewhat taken aback by the darkness of her child’s skin:
The first photo I received of [Redacted] showed her with fair skin. I was surprised, because from what my adoption agency told me, the child assigned to me would be much darker. After I got over that surprise, I had another: I felt relief. Suddenly — guiltily — it was a comfort to know that she would not look so different from me, and even more important, that her light skin would save her from a lifetime of prejudice. But ah, the magic of flashbulbs. A few months later I received several more photos and gaped at them in shock. The baby was much, much darker. (link)
[Redacted] has, initially, a lot of anxiety to deal with about the gap between her skin tone and that of her adopted daughter (read the whole article for examples: the kicker is the diaper change). She gets over it, but is still often surprised by the fact that no one in her social circle — including her Indian and Black friends — is as dark as her daughter:
Very soon, my daughter will have a lot to process. She’s adopted, she’s the child of a single mother, she’s an Indian Jew by conversion. We spent the summer with my father in upstate New York, and she was nearly always the darkest child in music class, gymnastics and day care. In New York City, even Blacks and Indians in [Redacted]’s and my social circle are lighter than she. Over and over I see how light skin equals privilege. Now that I have become [Redacted]’s mother, I realize: We need darker friends. (link)
I’m sure there will be some folks who will be offended that [Redacted] is publicly stating some of these things she says in this article. I personally am not: she’s expressing the shock she felt along with her embarrassment about that shock, and describing how she got past it. Yes, her initial reaction to her baby’s skin tone betrays “racism,” but it looks to me like she’s recognized and dealt with it.
Still, I wonder what people think about the solution she outlines: “We need darker friends.” Is it really damaging to a child (the baby has grown up some now) not to be around anyone who physically resembles her? And wouldn’t it be slightly strange to seek out “friends” on this basis?
[Oh, and one more thing: the Times recently had an interesting article on the growing number of cross-racial adoptions in the U.S.]
tx for the “big picture” bytewords. i think it is cool to continue talking about the specific issues, but in the generality i laud this woman and her attempt to open up her heart. yes, she is not perfect, but none of us are, and i suspect her daughter will be lucky to have a mom who loves her with all her heart.
Hey Oneup,
In addition to the age factor, certain immigrant groups who identify with being “black” do not identify with being “African American.” For example, when I taught in Brooklyn, most of my students/colleagues were of Guayanese/Trinidadian/Haitian heritage, and they cringed every time I used the term “African American.” For some people, African American does not apply to more recent immigrants to the US or their children, but more to descendents of US slaves who have been on US soil for generations. They preferred the terms “black” or “Haitian American” instead. Same was also true for acquaintances I’ve had whose parents were from Eritrea or Uganda.
“This would be a great way to “end racism” if ALL parents stuck to the FACT that we are all essentially the same. But children are impressionable and if they have parents who have certain views, at least some of the time they will share those views themselves. Trying to ignore the race conversation(s) would be setting your child up to fail. The fact is, kids don’t care about a multitude of issues… that doesn’t mean those issues aren’t important.”
I think you’re right on the money. Reminds me of the teachers in the world who think they are so progressive because “they don’t see race” when dealing with the student. But not “seeing race” is ignoring the experiences that certain races have a higher probability of collectively sharing. A person is not only built by his life experiences, but very much so the life experiences of those around them.
Well, I don’t know the exact reason behind this but apparently there is a deep rooted fixation for skin fairness in India. Look up the matrimonials and every second ad says something like ‘Wanted a fair skinned bride…’. The fixation for fair skin is further nurtured in Indian media (advertising and bollywood). How may dark skinned actresses (or actors for that matter) have you seen in Hindi movies? The media definitely potrays fair skinned persons as more beautiful and successful.
When I was growing up in India, dark-skinned kids were teased regularly.
Maybe this all has to do with years of colonisation by Brits, who were white.
I see Lisa Lerner’s statement about getting some “darker friends” as a way to make her daughter feel comfortable. I’m Bengali and my mom usually spouts off how much prettier the other girls are because they are “white”. Lisa Lerner might not want her daughter to feel less confident. Now darker friends aren’t really needed because that whole light skinned and dark skinned debate might not be as big among her social circle. I just hope she’s not like the women in the commercials on NTV with their Fair and Lovely cream that is a supposed skin brightner.
Maybe this all has to do with years of colonisation by Brits, who were white.
mostly not i suspect.
Maybe this all has to do with years of colonisation by Brits, who were white.
I blame the Macedonians.
I apologize for the obviously “duh” statement about me being Bengali. I just rarely comment on here and have used other names.
This would be a great way to “end racism” if ALL parents stuck to the FACT that we are all essentially the same.
We are not all essentially the same. That assertion is the greatest “generalization” of all — the PC bleedingheart lie that we are all alike. Oh so sentimental. Though, if you’d like to believe that sort of nonsense, your business.
this seems a good moment to quote something Yo Dad said earlier today:
That
is what I meant here.
Thank you Siddhartha.
At the end of the day we are all human. Sometimes there are genetic differences that cause issue (especially with regard to diseases and such) but last I checked, people of different races can still get together and create another human being.
I could be wrong though… so, R. K. Khan, can you please explain the ways in which different races of people are still fundamentally different?
Regarding the whole brown among whites experience:
The more popular desi girls in my almost all white school in fly-over were more dark-skinned than the less popular desi girls. Okay, we are talking like a population of 5. Still, the most popular was the darkest. And she was funny, kind, friendly, athletic and a total pep squad type. Wow. That sounds like kinda mean, but, I really liked her and don’t mean it to be mean.
Also, the white boys had no problem with dating me; my Indian parents didn’t want me to date period.
(Razib and Manju and I had good experiences in school, it seems, despite being a minority. How do you suppose this colors (sorry) our experiences and informs our politics?)
If any white lurkers on this site are looking for a brown friend, I would be very grateful if you chose me. I am willing to work up from the level of acquaintaince if you’d prefer that.
Oh, and I admire anyone willing to adopt a child. I think she’s over-thinking things. She should love her daughter, encourage her and help her to confident in her own person.
“We are not all essentially the same. That assertion is the greatest “generalization” of all — the PC bleedingheart lie that we are all alike. Oh so sentimental. Though, if you’d like to believe that sort of nonsense, your business.”
I think the context is in a more biological, and certain intrinsic quality sense: we all breathe air, we all have basic needs: food, shelter, clothing, etc.., we all seek happiness in one form or other, all of our bodies & organs (including our hearts) bleed when poked, etc..
R. K. Khan, can you please explain the ways in which different races of people are still fundamentally different?
Chimps and humans aren’t really fundamentally different in the loose sense. Though we could coast the net even wider if we are going to stick to the loose sense. Does being part of the same “species” imply a unity? But only in the most basic and loosest generalizing sense. Chimpazees seek pleasure, need nourishment, feel hatred etc. All the same, eh? Being part of a “species” does not mean that significant differences do not exist or that we are all the same. Bottom line is we’re not. So can the various breeds of dogs (a species) mate together, but this does not mean that those breeeds are not very, very different in many ways.
rk khan is not the time or place.
Ways like what? As applied to humans, of course.
I don’t think you can come up with an example without resorting to stereotypes that can easily be disproved.
Superdork,
Um, shouldn’t that be for love of Krishna?
(and people, please don’t feed the Cro-Magnons)
I don’t think you can come up with an example without resorting to stereotypes that can easily be disproved.
Ahh, now I understand your language. Just as I thought. Have a great evening sir.
You’re right… but one last thing:
Oneup is most definitely female.
I thought the Cro-Magnons were the more gracile types who left the cave paintings. It is not a diss to call someone a Cro-mag, AFAIK. Cro’s were pretty advanced types. I think you mean neanderthals or other archaiac sapiens.
Re: “Basically every group of people on Earth is racist because most people are programmed from Birth to prefer people that look, think, talk and act like themselves.”
Well, this probably applies more to cultural heritage or some other group affiliation — in that people of certain cultural groups (tribes, states, faith, etc) prefer those of their own background.
But, skin color doesn’t necessarily fall in this paradigm. We all know that there exist many dark-skinned Indians, Africans, and Asians who prefer being lighter themselves and also in a mate and their offspring. This is most clearly demonstrated by the market for skin lighteners in India, Africa, and other Asian countries. (what is particularly troubling are skin-lighteners for babies/children — have any of you seen the ads on Indian TV for these products?? crazy the crap people are willing to put on their kids to get them whiter…doesn’t matter if they get cancer along the way!). This is not biological, rather a product of society…though someone is dark (as are all in his/her community and family members), he/she prefers a lighter mate and a lighter child because light skin confers an advantage in many walks of life. The risks involved in skin lightening don’t even compare to these advantages, so people are willing to go through all kinds of treatments to become lighter.
oneup
hmf
thype
etc. etc.
ok.. i’m just a little disturbed by all these musings. Fail in what? What collective experience? Adoptee catalogues.. huh!!
may be you’ve had bad experiences. and are bitter about it. but would you want the child to grow up and be as bitter, or would you rather that he/she believe in the essential goodness of humanity and consider racism as severe deviations from the norm.
i am reminded of this one experience i had in the grocery store. a boy no more than 8 was setting right a bag of onions at the bottom of a cart. as he got up, his head hit against the lower end of the cage and he started bawling. a little old lady was shopping nearby and came over, cooing and asking how he was doing. the mum, a really grim looking person came over pulled the boy away and i heard her telling him, “Dont ever! Ever! let anyone feel sorry for you.” WTF, I thought. This kid’s going to grow up into this emotionally inaccessible cold person who will never get a chance to experience the beauty of the social experience because he will never take the risk of being emotionally vulnerable – raw in front of someone else.
how jaded, thick skinned and hard does one have to be, to get by. why not believe in a perfect world? it is possible.
Anytime a person is not prepared for an oncoming obstacle, they are setting themselves up for failure. Its even worse when that person has no idea that obstacle might pop up, because then they dont even have the know-how to think on their feet. I am not bitter and I don’t go around thinking everyone I meet will be racist. But when I do encounter discrimination I am not caught off guard. And more importantly, if I do have a negative experience I have a community of people who can relate to it.
And that’s what I think some people are missing. This might be offensive to some, but I am completely against the idea of raising a non-white child to be completely whitewashed and oblivious. I don’t like the idea of raising a child who is so cut off from his own culture that he can’t find anyone to really relate to. Sure, the author could raise the child pretending she is American(oh how I hate when people say this to mean white)/Jewish, but the rest of world is going to see an Indian.
I actually have no problem with who adopts the brown/black/yellow kids of the world, but I do disagree with setting kids up to be ignorant of how things are. Instead of trying to avoid discussing race, why not raise children with a real knowledge of the recent past so they can hit the ground running when it comes time to make positive changes for the future. I feel that’s a little more realistic..
Instead of trying to avoid discussing race, why not raise children with a real knowledge of the recent past so they can hit the ground running when it comes time to make positive changes for the future.
this i agree with.
This might be offensive to some, but I am completely against the idea of raising a non-white child to be completely whitewashed and oblivious. I don’t like the idea of raising a child who is so cut off from his own culture that he can’t find anyone to really relate to.
this is am ambivalent about. i think it is totally cool to raise a kid to be whitewashed, though one should prepare them for questions. i had a friend who was raised in singapore who was eurasian, and kids would ask him his race in elementary school. his parents told him to tell them to “f*ck off.” that’s preparation 🙂 people ask me questions about hinduism all the time, well, i went and learned some stuff so i could give them something after telling them that my background wasn’t hindu.
how people perceive isn’t destiny, it is just another big parameter in your life. parents who adopt brown, asian, black, etc. should be candid about racial issues, and, how people perceive them. but, that does not mean that the children have to inculcated in the values or history of the group with which others identify them with. those of us who are brown, but not from a hindu background, can comprehend this i think 🙂
It’s interesting what kind of racial perspectives we have on Sepia Mutiny. I wonder why no one has yet (unless I missed it) consulted any perspectives by people of color adopted by whites. Many of the claims of cultural genocide have been related to inter-“racial” adoption’s problematic history as a deliberate means to re-educate the less fortunate savages. I think that the modern white liberal mindset often promotes some of these paternalistic views. I personally find it highly ridiculous when anyone tries to pretend that race and color are not relevant social factors today. Not really sure how anyone who has brown skin can’t get that, but I’m consistently proven ass-backwards-wrong when I peruse the posts here. I find that most of my desi friends – the types who aren’t as overeducated as this bunch and probably don’t read too many blogs – have a basic agreement on the fact that racism is a hard reality for us. I wonder if this is a class bias – the more upper-class your existence, the more likely you are to pretend that race doesn’t exist or is less of an issue than it actually is.
The ideology of colorblindness is IMO highly damaging to people of color and to white people too. As long as you pretend race is not a social reality, you’ll never begin to solve some of the root causes of social problems.
My personal experience has been that when whites and people of color decide to be truly honest about acknowledging all levels of racism, particularly white liberal racism (which comes out amongst gentrifiers, paternalistic adopters, activists with fetishes, etc), there begins to be some real growth and sharing and even understanding among people. Somehow that is too scary for most people to approach.
yeti,
perhaps if you didn’t use the priggish righteous voice you might ‘education’ (should i say ‘re-educate’) us 🙂
Um, shouldn’t that be for love of Krishna?
Nah. Shiva’s my man. I mean god. I am a deconstructionist at heart.
anyway, a segregated america policy would make life so much less angsty 🙂 at least for someone people. the rest of us are ok with ignoring the shadow-boot-on-the-white-foot-on-our-necks.
“Forget all-white immigration, we should boot out EVERYONE and give it back to the Native Americans” Everyone? Desis too? Zoroastrians? Everyone! So Euros go back to Europe after some 500 years and then they kick out all the browns there–they’ll have to after all. Maybe that’s the way to go. Games up. Everybody back to your own rooms. Like those crazy animation films where you see the atoms exploding outward to the edges of the universe and then back in again. Ah, we’ll be adopting ets before that happens.
anyway, a segregated america policy would make life so much less angsty 🙂 at least for someone people. the rest of us are ok with ignoring the shadow-boot-on-the-white-foot-on-our-necks.
Whitey-tude isn’t even a possiblity anymore. The current white pop is, I believe 68%, and it will be in the high 50s quite soon. So I suggest you give up and embrace the race talk, because its going to intensify 🙂
The current white pop is, I believe 68%, and it will be in the high 50s quite soon.
the non-hispanic white population. in any case, there are still parts of america where one race is overwhelmingly dominant where you aren’t raced to death 🙂
Oneup, siddhartha:
“can’t help but wonder what the racial and economic backgrounds of her liberal friends are. I think this idea the race doesn’t matter at all is one of the biggest reasons I don’t identify with liberals.”
I consider myself socially liberal and fiscally conservative. I think race does matter…it is important to have cultural diversity…makes life more interesting. More to the point, however, race should not used for bias, and the law should prevent it from being used for bias. In that respect, race shouldn’t matter at all.
On adopting a child from a different background, there are bound to be cultural, social and racial issues that have to be dealt with. Also, adoption is a very personal thing, and the parent does have the right to decide whom they are willing to adopt. Lisa Lerner, however, seems woefully unprepared and misinformed to deal with adopting and bringing up a child from a different culture.
I have white friends who have adopted Indian children who are dark-skinned. However, we do belong to a spiritual organization that has a large brown presence, so they are very aware of Indian culture and the country. I guess that would be key to bringing up a child from a different culture successfully – knowledge of that culture and a support group from it whom you can go to for help on any issues that may come up.
Which one?
“Chimps and humans aren’t really fundamentally different in the loose sense. “
Yes they are, human beings have developed language, complex emotions, and higher intellectual capacity, I don’t think a chimp can think to himself, “where will I be in 5 years?”, where as humans (unfortunately) are forced to think that every time they go for an interview.
Call me a naive liberal, but the more I read about these inter-racial adoption controversies over the past few days, the more I’m outraged.
WTF? An orphaned kid gets a loving parent/family. Far better than NOT having one. Period.
Will there be race and other issues? Sure. They’ll deal with it. It will be easier for them all if we stop pouring accusations/advice/judgement over them.
Why does an Indian-descent white-adopted kid need to know about Indian culture? Or a black kid about black culture? This supposes that cultural traits are something ‘stamped’ into genes. The very basic assumption of racism.
I think we need to support these parents and not condemn them for ‘flaws’ in their parenting. At least they are doing something most of us don’t have the courage to do.
Go Lisa!!!
WTF? An orphaned kid gets a loving parent/family. Far better than NOT having one. Period.
Amen!
Why does an Indian-descent white-adopted kid need to know about Indian culture? Or a black kid about black culture?
Because they are likely to encounter non-whitewashed people of their ethnicity? Chances are they’ll study whatever they can anyway.
Because they are likely to encounter non-whitewashed people of their ethnicity? Chances are they’ll study whatever they can anyway.
this is a fair point, but please note that it isn’t as simple as all that. what if the child is adopted from haiti? is african american culture what they should study? or haitian culture? what if everyone treats them as if they are black? what about a child who is adopted from pakistan, who everyone treats as if they are hindu? should they study pakistani culture even though studying hinduism might be more beneficial in their day to day interactions with ignorants?
My hunch is that an adoptee’s search/study would focus on the origin of his/her biological parents. So in Vaishali’s case (that is a Hindu name) probably region of brownland her parents are from + hinduism + the general American brown culture in development which will probably be more contoured when she grows up.
Couldn’t agree more, TPGeek!
Wow this is some serious “Baal ki khaal”! Hey, she adopted, and she’s trying. And she’s discovering, and she’s dealing with it. I think that’s a good enough start. She’ll have multiple years of figuring this out.
BTW, I thought this a good opportunity to ask about something I’ve observed. My daughter, who’s 4.5 yrs old, seems to form real tight friendships with black/brown girls at her school. That’s fine, but I’m curious why its just so. Her class has a couple of Indian kids, black, white, orientals etc. so I guess she has the choice. I’ve observed this from the start of her preschool. And those friendships were formed right away too, like reuniting with old acquaintances.
I’ve tried to explain to myself that’s probably because she finds them familiar somehow – we do hang out with Indian friends on weekends, and have been exposing her to desi channels and bolly-music pretty good 🙂 . But the ‘somehow’ could only be similarity of color – her friends don’t share faith, dietary habits, language (except english) etc with her. We certainly never try to bias her any which way. So I’m wondering if we don’t actually have some sort of preference innate in us regarding color. Or maybe there’s nothing to it. And not being racist here janta! Just observing and trying to figure out what makes her preference what it is.
It is the responsibility of the parent to be knowledgeable about the area and culture they chose to adopt from. The parents should be wise enough to know their kid is going to wonder why he doesn’t look at all like mommy and daddy… and be ready to explain where that child came from. And everyone is going to treat a haitian kid as if he were black because he most likely IS black… maybe not culturally african american, but racially, he would be black.
Apples and oranges. You are talking about people being mistaken for something they are not. In this case, the mother KNOWS the kid is Indian. Why, if this information is fact, try to avoid teaching the kid about who she is? Not who people wrongly perceive her to be, but who she is by birth.
We will probably just have to agree to disagree on this one…
And everyone is going to treat a haitian kid as if he were black because he most likely IS black… maybe not culturally african american, but racially, he would be black.
this is the key. people will treat them as if they are black racially, but that says nothing to their culture. people don’t care what their culture is, people care that they are black. so i would say this: yes, give kids coping skills, and allow them to meet other people who might impart upon them skills that you can’t teach them (if you are a parent), but, as a matter of empirical fact your cultural identity is shaped by your peers & your parents, not how others perceive you. one may eventually be canalized and drift toward what others expect of you, but that is not inevitable or a necessary corollary. the key for me is what people speak of making sure adoptees “know their culture.” their culture is something they will know as a matter of course because their parents will raise them and their peers will socialize them. peer choice matters, but if the children are raised with children who are swedish in culture, no matter their DNA they will be culturally swedish. people may perceive them as “black skulls” and ask them where/how they speak such good swedish, but that is a different and separate matter.
the cultural realities of how race is percieved and lived is entirely separate from the separable and distinct nature of biology and culture.*
One of my close friends at university was Bhutanese-born, but Indian-adopted, so allow me to voice my tuppence on this matter.
The fact is, YES, cross-racial adopted kids will need to know about their “birth” cultures. It’s called “filling a void” in their lives, and it’s for the same reason that so many of you Indian-heritage Americans take a gap year to the mothership; as Amartya Sen would say, unlike your parents, you have more than one identity. By exploring your racial roots, you’re giving a fuller expression to a part of yourself that doesnt get expressed if you surround yourself with people who don’t look like you.
Or in short, Clarke Kent wanted to find out so much about Krypton, not because he had abusive parents, or because of his superpowers, but because he wanted to explore his inter-planetary identity more fully.
This makes me think of the great Swedish chef Marcus Samuelsson.
my gf is a big fan of that guy. she told me of his background, but noted his swedish sensibility [she lived in scandinavian for a year] (i think he was on the food network).
Razib,
Most 2gens, I gather, whether Hindu or Muslim, Bengali or Tamil, still consider brown culture as at least partially constitutive of their selves, and their immersion in it is not pressured by the need to answer to outside perceptions alone, but is a happy choice. Except for some extremists, that choice doesn’t make one dysfunctional. Adoptees generally can’t even make that choice, and I suspect for many of them that is indeed a void that they will try to fill once they possess sufficient agency, and whatever foundations their own socialized identities rests upon. There is an Ethiopian living within the Swede.
Adoptees generally can’t even make that choice, and I suspect for many of them that is indeed a void that they will try to fill once they possess sufficient agency, and whatever foundations their own socialized identities rests upon.
agreed. let me parse my point precisely here: i am not holding that a parent should pretend as if the biological origin of the child will not be important and salient toward their own self-perception as they grow into themselves. but, i do object to the tone of some that there is something essential, ineffable and definitive in connection a particular biological identity with a cultural identity. many, but not all, children will seek out their “birth culture” out of curiosity, interest and yes, a vacuum. but, i hold that any adoptive parent should not be brow-beaten about what the “proper” way to raise their child as “culturally aware” should be.
there will be a range of reactions of children to their background, just as there are in adoptees in a more general sense in relation to their birth parents. this variation, this range, is natural. one doesn’t know, as a parent, where the child will fall within that range, but the decisions they make in relation to their child’s identity is dynamic. i think excessive analysis as in the case above is probably not healthy, and, i do not think race is going to dictate the lens with which a child interacts with the outside world (thoughf or some it will be so). there is a tendency in some commenters language to behave as if somehow the child will transfer in fall their birth parents’ culture into their ‘racial memory,’ and it is incumbent upon the adoptive parents to allow the full and normal development of this racial memorized culture. other commenters have expressed a more nuanced textured view, and i think that captures the central tendency here.
overall, i am strenuous in objecting to a close correlation between blood and belief.