This newest terror alert and the ensuing security lockdown has come at the most inopportune of times for me. Tomorrow morning at 8a.m. I have to catch a flight to Charlotte, North Carolina to attend my friend Seema’s wedding. First, let’s take a quick look at what I cannot bring with me:
Advice if you’re flying:
1. Liquids are banned from carry-on luggage and cannot be taken through security checkpoints. That includes drinks, toothpaste, perfume, shampoo, hair gel, suntan lotion and similar items. Drinks purchased in the airport cannot be carried onto flights.
2. Baby formula and medications will be allow but must be presented for inspection at security checkpoints.
3. All shoes must be removed and placed on an X-ray belt for screening.
4. Passengers are also asked to arrive at least two hours early to allow for additional screening.
5. Passengers traveling to the United Kingdom should contact their airline for information about any extra security measures or precautions that might be required. Laptop computers, mobile phones and iPods were among items banned on British flights. [Link]
I’m a 30-year-old single male. There are fewer opportunities for me to meet eligible women (according to my parents). A desi friend’s wedding is supposed to be a money venue. But just look at my predicament. I cannot shampoo my hair (hotel shampoo doesn’t count) or apply even a modest amount of styling gel to my hair in order to achieve that proper look between sophistication and slackerdom. Even worse, without my contact lens solution I will have to keep my contacts in my eyes the entire weekend, which will in turn cause me to spastically blink (to prevent the increasing dryness) every time I go to talk to a girl. Even if I make it this far, who will want to talk to a guy that hasn’t been able to brush his teeth because his toothpaste has been confiscated? I didn’t even mention the lack of shaving cream (stubble makes me look like a terrorist) or the lack of aftershave lotion that will make my face itch and burn all night even if I use the hotel provided shaving cream and blade. Also, wearing a suit makes me sweat, a fact that will be obvious since I won’t have any cologne to mask the scent.
What is Chertoff so afraid of?
If someone wanted to obtain a solid high explosive in a liquid form, it would not be difficult for a trained chemical technologist.
But if someone was using a backyard laboratory it is more likely they would go for the two component approach.
Not a lot of experience is needed, the principles are quite simple but it would be a hazardous process of trial and error.
I would not want to be messing about these things. It has been known for schoolboys to go home and attempt this and blow their house up. [Link]
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p>Using some items that I just removed from my bag I thought I would demonstrate for our readers how such a device could be constructed:
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Something like this will now be impossible. |
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p>As if all of the above wasn’t bad enough, a large portion of Seema’s family is coming from London. This probably includes some eligible cousins with British accents. Flights from London face even more severe restrictions and it is entirely possible that some of them won’t make it to the wedding. They’ve also been barred from bringing mobile phones with them which gives them the perfect excuse to not take my number for further correspondence.
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p>Now I know what some of you overly precocious readers are going to say. Sajit has already said it. “But Abhi, you can just check in your baggage and its all good. You can take all of these items with you.” No! I cannot just check-in my baggage and then wait for it on both ends like a common plebian. Frequent travelers go to obscene lengths to not have to wait at baggage claim. It is an art form and serves as one of the best measures of a man in today’s society to see how little he can travel with and how fast he can be ready to go. I will not give in to terrorism or the terrorists who want to change our way of life. I will not wait at baggage claim. I will not let them win. I know the statistics are on my side.
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p>Mr. Michael Chertoff, I just wanted you to know that raising the terror alert to “Severe,” has just put a “Severe” limit on the possibility that I will ever be able to find love in this time of terrorism.
Abhi, You can check those items in the baggage, they are just not allowed as cabin baggage 🙂
damn, Abhi, why’d you have to single out American Crew?! 😉
waiting at the baggage claim vs. making the proper impression on the ladies. a vexing dilemma indeed.
Dude, I know North Carolina could be considered a bit rural, but I am pretty sure they have the equivalent of a CVS out there.
Besides, think of it this way: if someone falls for you at this wedding, you’ll know for sure she’s a keeper!
Abhi
I don’t want to make you paranoid, but have you considered the possibility that this whole global clash of civilizations is a cunning ploy to prevent you falling in love and meeting the woman of your dreams?
Don’t forget, the “arrive 2 hrs early” rule is a clever form of discrimination against desi’s by targetting IST. The man knows no bounds.
Tough times make even the “hardest” malleable…..so will you be…and then…chicks will find you “choo cute”…may be you should drop the “mutineer”- tougher than thou look and don – “Aashig” looks….never too late to start!!.. (plus it will help you at Security Check as well)
I travel for work every week. I am in New York today and I will be traveling tomorrow evening. It sucks that I can’t bring anything with me. I refuse to check my bags too, I don’t want to wait in the baggage claim area. However, I don’t think I have any choice. If I want to look clean and smell nice, I have to check my bags. What about dehydration? You have to buy drinks at the airport and drink it before you board the plane. You know how stingy and crazy those flight attendants are on the plane? You ask for one more water, they look like they are about to kill you. They pretend like they haven’t heard you.
Very funny post Abhi.
Vinod & Snapper: brilliant.
Dude, if you’re worried about what you’ll look and smell like without your man essentials, imagine what your eligible british cousins will be like – scary indeed! ;0
Apparently in London there’s a line of people stretching outside and around the airport.
Imagine if they found Bin Laden in his cave and by his side was a folder showing random pictures of Abhi as well as flight schedules and bus time tables for attractive females and other things corresponding with high security alerts around the world.
Abhi, do you have any overly controlling, meddling aunts or uncles in your family?
I’m flying out tomorrow for a wedding on the weekend. The whole ‘love’ thing doesn’t apply to me, but I feel the ‘not checking in’ luggage thing.
Oh well. I’ll be checking in luggage and will only carry my suit on me. Having a home in Chicago doesn’t hurt, either.
Purchase items at the local CVS or whatever. Don’t be a cheap ass Guju (ok, just a little bit, look in the sales papers or before the wedding, stroll through a nice department store using samples). A few bucks is worth finding ‘love’, and I’m not talking about hookers.
Have I considered it? I can’t stop thinking about it. 🙂
The terrorists would use the most patriotic of hair gels to maximize their terror effect.
hit it brown, hit it….
hey abhs, can’t wait to see you this weekend in NC. Funny post. I just have given up my flying privleges since i quit continental so it’ll be interesting to be among the frequent flyers once again. i hate checking in bags. i’m with you on that.
Abhi: I thought I have heard it all before – as to why you haven’t found your “suitable girl”. This one tops it all. Excuses, excuses.
Mona: Please do me a favor, -as you will be there- put in a good word for Abhi, in spite of his looks. Tell all the “brits and brats” that real beuty is what’s inside and don’t go by the “outside” looks. Have a great time at the wedding. Congrats to Seema.
In the UK you wouldn’t have a choice – no carry-ons allowed right now. You know Abhi, if you were flying your own vehicle you wouldn’t be subject to such pesky restrictions …
hehe.. love it.. love it.. i’m going to a wedding across the border in a few weeks, and have the same idea ;)…
enjoy NC!
After awaking to this delightful news on the clock radio and listening to more details on BBC America’s news while getting ready for work, I confess I had a moment of unrational paranoia (as opposed to the rational kind), wondering “What if it’s all a ruse to distract everyone, and they’re really going to target the NYC subway system?”, a few breaths later my next thought was “What about folks like me, who take half the house with them in their carry-ons for long overseas trips?”
How could I check my laptop, camera, video camera, iPod (or two), AND all my toiletries in the belly of the plane?????
Add to that the whole leave-your-checked-in-luggage-unlocked nonsense, and it’s all quite a messy scenario indeed.
And Abhi I can totally sympathize with you. I was on a business trip a few months back and did this 24-hour JFK-TOK-BKK route, and all I can think is “Dry, blinky eyes and BO. Lovely.”
But, all due respect to your Mum and Dad, don’t worry about declining eligibility. You are a guy. You could have an architectural combover (the Donald), be a tall gawky dilettante with bushy grey hair (George Plimpton), or even be theatrical and fastidious and have some people wondering about your – ahem – orientation (Tony Randall), and still you could be your 50s, 60s, 70s and find some hot young babe who’ll bed you, wed you, and pop a kid out for you.
Why dont you send your bags via FedEx to the Days Inn where we are staying and you wont have to wait at baggage claim like a loser.
Tangent: SM should start a desi dating service with people’s profiles on the sidebar.
just to SM friendster profile.
For those laving Britain – do not forget to leave behind your car key chain – no electronic key chains allowed – and all other battery-powered items for that matter: cell phones, iPods, laptop computers.
Does that sound like a happy bunch of passengers?
Imagine all the aunties with their purses filled with jewelry – in the UK no carry ons are being allowed so they would have to check all that in as well. If the aunties cannot bring their jewels they will be unhappy, and if the aunties are unhappy all will suffer.
Sorry.
Hilarious post and brilliant comments (Vinod, gujudude, filmiholic, xnomad), and the American Crew, haha. Yes, I had to point out which ones I thought were funny individually b/c they were just that funny :).
Abhi, you should just drive there. At this point, it might be faster, and you could then take anything and everything with you that you need. And you and Rajan could carpool.
Ahh, maybe I should consider myself lucky to not be able to go to the wedding this weekend. That’s what happens when Mona quits; I can’t fly.
Lets review your options:
Sigh…I’ve made this tall request many times. I think the monkeys delete those requests. 🙁
Aw, Abhi, you look good with stubble.
I suspect Red Snapper of being Punjabi Boy’s “separated at birth” Hindu twin. I can’t be the only one here who’s noticed the similarity in personality and writing styles…..
Ennis,
Desis flying their own aircraft, restriction-free, during times of airbourne terrorist threats ? Definitely not the right thing to say here. Coupled with the “liquid explosive” thread, you’re going to get this blog accidentally labelled as a jihadist website and everyone in the SM bunker will soon become very familiar indeed with the wonderful sights & sounds of Cuba, know what I mean ?
Filmiholic,
Maybe I’ve just been watching too many episodes of 24, but exactly the same thing occurred to me. What if all this is a diversion to keep the governments and security services distracted while a major terrorist attack is executed elsewhere ?!
Dude, I don’t know you, but this was a HILARIOUS blog! Thanks for your insights.
And, as a seasoned business traveler, I must concur with the plebian nature of baggage claim. I prefer to be a member of the ‘Carry-On Proletariat’ – in fact, I demand it be so.
I hope that you’ll meet a beautiful Brit at the weddinig, or in her stead, a hot Southern babe. Hopefully she’ll have at least 15 or 20 teeth. Always a bonus. 🙂
You could always try one of the few non-explosive related innovations to come out of Saudi Arabia, if you catch someone eye while waiting for a body cavity search at the airport…
The terrorists have won!
The catch-22 between stubble (you “look like a terrorist”) and shaving (you have the chemical know-how to cause the “loss of life on an unprecedented scale,” er, nevermindhalfthe20thcentury) is particularly cruel.
But I guess this means that mere flying while brown is so last year — time to update Manish’s list of things that’ll “get you interrogated by the FBI these days”:
and Abhi’s list of helpful commuting tips:
Personal hygiene products. They’re the New Rucksacks.
HILARIOUS dude, I hope you make it across in one piece and find your perfect loodki. Whenever there is a wedding in my family, they always ask to bring scotch from the DUTY FREE shop. no more whiskey for the uncles 🙁 Brit accents are annoying after a while especially when desis overdo it. ‘init? As for the “desi date on the sidebar here at SM”, great idea
great line man!
This is god’s way of telling you that you will have better luck with the babes if you stay in Los Angeles this weekend and see Blackalicious perform at Tofu Festival. 😉
Good luck (both with airport security AND with the brit and/or north cackalac ladies)!
Jai,
You and me think alike in a lot of things. (And I watch 24 too.)
Gautam,
I can expound on this at at greater length back channel if you wish, but in essence, I’d say two things: first, while yes, there are some ladies who are picky, picky, picky and status obsessed, there are also an astounding number of good looking women who are more open to more kinds of guys, and less fussy when it comes to hair (or the lack thereof), heck physical appearance in general, type of work, whether you’re a meterosexual or not (which is on its way out anyway). I observe this generally in other women, and in myself. Some former boyfriends were handsome to almost drop-dead gorgeous and others, more toward the other end of the spectrum (guess which ones were more decent human beings, and more interesting to talk to?) And among the desi community, oh Lordy, I have never seen so many pretty girls with guys who looked like they were just way out their league and lucky to have her!
And second, what locks in the deal for guys with women is how much confidence (but not obnoxiousness) they carry themselves with. You lot seem to suffer from far less self-esteem issues than we do, and so, you all tend to look like you’re very comfortable in your own skin.
And hey, if you happen to end up rich and successful as you hit your 50s/60s/70s, well you could look like a garden troll and still get babes.
And yes, these are all broad, broad generalizations, written with a wink.
Actual results may vary.
What about mascara and lip gloss!? It would be inhumane to ban those two items. Damn terrorists!
Frequent travelers go to obscene lengths to not have to wait at baggage claim. It is an art form and serves as one of the best measures of a man in todayÂ’s society to see how little he can travel with and how fast he can be ready to go.
Women, too – shall we compare notes on how to travel for business+SIL’s wedding for a week on just a laptop bag and a carry-on? (Yes, Mr. TSA-man, that purse fits my computer – yes, it is very convenient.) I feel your pain, bhai.
And here I was, all prepared to show up to the NYC meetup looking all polished and sleek. Substitute an oily T-zone and frizzed hair. And I refuse to stop by D&R for overpriced samples for just this weekend. I will be at the meetup, damnit. Just not so glossy.
Don’t give in! Beautiful ladkiya, be damned! Pah to true love! Who needs ’em when you can stride out of that airport a free man, without any of this “where-is-my-luggage” and “oh-excuse-me-please, that’s-my-brown-attache” buckwas?
Are there men who would go for a woman whom they didn’t think was good looking, or are men too visual a creature? I don’t think I know any guys who would date a girl whom they did not think was good looking, but I know plenty of girls who could care less. I think it’s just a difference of the sexes, but I was just curious to know of any anomalies to my data set.
I hate not to join in the fun, but I didn’t find this post funny AT ALL.
It was really insensitive considering that the number of people killed would have exceeded the number killed in 9/11 and the destruction would have gone on all month. I’m guessing that you were probably trying to lighten the mood and all, but for those of us who were planning on traveling from Britain to the US in the very near future, everything going on is pretty scary. I think it’s a little too early for the jokes.
I say we ban all luggage period.
Gautama bhaiyya,
‘Tis all in jest. Enjoy those weddings….;-)
Thank goodness this bombing attempt was foiled before it happened (and Abhi shared his grooming concerns with us all), otherwise I think we’d all be blogging about the start of WWIII…
You must accept that people come to terms with fear in different ways. For many, humor is a way of leavening the tension.
It’s also easier to joke when the incident was stopped before anybody got hurt.
Not to worry I’ll hook up everyone at the meetup this weekend from out of town minus their toiletries. Just be prepared to lather them on here.
I apologize for my insensetivity Henna. Were you by any chance planning on attending a wedding in North Carolina? If so I will come say “waz up?” 😉
From a safety standpoint, we should just ban airplanes: they’re fast and heavy, filled with highly combustible fuel. They function like guided missiles (which, curiously, are not banned). Anybody can smuggle anything aboard an airplane, apparently. If we draw the line at shampoo and hair gel, what about personal lubricants? It’s a slippery slope. If the Powers That Be are truly serious about protecting their citizens from islamofascists, banning airplanes would be a step in the right direction.
is this really true? it seems so extreme. It’s a good thing this wasn’t in effect when my family went on vacation or else we’d arrive in Saudi Arabia making it seem as if Americans are dirty, filthy people.
Why not Muslim/Islamic only airplanes ? They already have Muslim only beaches and park days where non-Muslims are kept out. Same idea.