Globalization has made many things possible including the efficient exchange of all sorts of goods and services. Among these are ideas; scientists think nothing of collaborating across borders, and musicians can lay down tracks in one city and have them a genius producer someplace far away rearrange them overnight.
Some ideas don’t travel as well, however. What makes sense according to laws and customs in one place might be absurd or abhorrent somewhere else. Advice columnists — or as the British beautifully call them, agony aunts — have yet to globalize their business. But what if there’s demand? Today in Salon (thanks, Scott!), an Indian-in-India sista seeks to outsource her relationship counseling to Cary Tennis, the online mag’s advice-giver. And Tennis… almost punts, but not quite. Check it out. Here’s the woman’s situation:
… Arranged marriages have seen a resurgence in India and I suspect it is propelled by young people’s desire to shield themselves from heartbreak. I was one of those and I agreed to marry a doctor I met just once after I returned home from the States. I thought I was taking a very sane and levelheaded decision. He came from a good family and was well liked and respected in his hospital (all this info gathered through the extended family network that goes into operation for marital missions). He had no known addictions, was reasonably good-looking according to Indian standards (not my standards, I must point out, because I like muscular, clean-shaven men and he is neither). We came from similar backgrounds and our life goals seemed to match — raise kids, earn a lot of money and make our parents proud of us.
Three months into our marriage we had our first fight. It was nasty. We are still living apart.
Now I am not sure marrying him was such a great idea. He seems immature and his anger was shocking. Staying on in a marriage just because he is a doctor seems wrong now. I thought my decision would be right because it was dispassionate. But now I think the lack of passion should have been a warning sign. The fact that I wasn’t physically attracted to him should have been enough to decide against marrying him.
How do I know if I made a huge mistake? Divorce is a big deal here, especially in my religion. But I figure the sooner we break up the easier it will be. Then again, who am I kidding? I probably won’t muster up the courage to break up the marriage until he does something really horrible…
And here are excerpts from Tennis’s reply:
I do not know what it is like to be from India but I know what it is like to live with the choices I have made. … I do not know what it is like to be in an arranged marriage but I know that all marriages are in a sense arranged — by relatives, by the rain, by smiles and secret dances; by children whose arrival can no longer be postponed, by the intersection of ripening desires, by thirsty hope meeting cool water.
So you ask an American what to do. To do what an American would do would be disastrous, I fear. …
I would try to live within what you have already done. I would attempt to carry out the plans you had when you decided to marry: Have lots of children and make a lot of money. Absent one of the limited general grounds for divorce available to you under Indian divorce law … I would try to see this thing through. …
Most men are flawed; they have an ugly side. You probably do too. Within limits, this is intimacy.
Not all mistakes can be undone. Some mistakes are to be lived with. The undoing can be messier than the mistake.
Beyond that, I cannot say much. I do not know what it is like to be from India. I do not know what it is like to be in an arranged marriage. I only know what it is like to live with the choices I have made.
OK, so with that last paragraph Tennis basically pleads ignorance, which I suppose is fair enough. But then, why have spent the rest of the lengthy reply basically talking her out of challenging or ending her marriage? Why not have simply refused to take up the question, to pull this question from the pile?
Or perhaps Tennis is right, and “suck it up, kiddo” is the best advice for this woman’s situation?
I can’t help but feel that Tennis is treading too cautiously here, haunted by the idea that India is so much more conservative a society that “what an American would do” is not simply irrelevant, but actually the opposite of what an Indian should do.
I wonder (not a rhetorical question — I sincerely wonder) what Dan Savage would say if confronted with the same question. Would he tell her to DTMFA?
“Help” or whoever the hell you are:
I don’t know how long you’ve been reading SM, but if you have read it long enough to recall my post “Whoever you are, you’re not alone” then you will understand EXACTLY why I say this with an angry and heavy heart:
I am so offended that you might fabricate a story which involves sexual abuse.
Your perverse attempt at fiction is biography for some of us. Shame on you. For everything.
hey guys and anna… tread softly.
the tcp_ip address alone does not uniquely identify a person. couple of scenarios.
if you’re using the likes of aol or rr.com, you switch off your cable modem and come back on. such isp’s recycle tcp ip addresses
yu’re on a shared computer like in a library or internet cafe.
if a person purges the cache and cookies regularly it is difficult to uniquely identify the machine. there is technology to fingerprint computers – but comes at a price.
so be cool.
Shame on you, I second that. with this.
Yes, we know this. That is why we left the comment up and did not ban the IP address, just in case. However, that IP address has only appeared in the past in connection with one particular commenter, and repeatedly so. We’ll leave it at that for now.
As if on cue, a recent Times article re parents setting up kids:
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/07/27/fashion/27parents.html?ex=1154232000&en=8079e486e21bfbe5&ei=5087
Interesting article, definitely highlights the difference between the western setups (where I wouldn’t even classify them as parental, more lateral, at least as the article describes them) and the backwards Indian/South Asian mentality.
As if on cue, a recent Times article re parents setting up kids:
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/07/27/fashion/27parents.html?ex=1154232000&en=8079e486e21bfbe5&ei=5087
Hehe. Delcious irony, I would say. And good on the parents for helping their kids.
I am not fake, the male handler is my own, I apologize for using that.
rasudha,
You’re such a bore. if it wasn’t for the very fact that my wife and i would soon be sharing the osbcurest, most secretive and often times hideous revelations about one another after we started living together, our marriage would have suffered from stagnation, disinterest and misuse of the rolling pin. in fact, we’ve created a game out of it we call SURPRISE!. SURPRISE! can be played anywhere, so long as you have the two requisite players, Him and Her (SURPRISE! for Gay Couples is sold separately). Additional players, while not mandatory, are welcome, and can make for some very exciting games of SURPRISE!.
The objective of SURPRISE! is to rile up the other player to the point of physical exhaustion and mental breakdown, forcing them out of the game, or, depending on where SURPRISE! is being played, a house, hotel, Holi function, your dadiji’s khet or marriage itself, by catching them “off-guard” with knowledge that would most likely cause the opponent to “lose their shit”, “wish you were dead” or, like, “totally freak out”.
SURPRISE! only has two rules:
(1) In SURPRISE! both players must be legally married through means of arranged marriage. If either one player had any prior knowledge of the other, including interests, desires, ambitions or past, they are automatically disqualified. (2) In SURPRISE!, while you may panic and feel flabbergasted by what is revealed by your significant other, at no point during the game can you act out your aggressions. To do so would constitute a forfeiture of your turn. Any subsequent violations of this rule result in the termination of the game and a long, nasty talk with your in-laws.
Sample Turn:
Roop and Shalini are getting ready for bed. Roop coos to Shalini, approaching her with seasoned finesse, becoming more and more intimate with each soft curl of his breath. Shalini, inexperienced in sexual contexts, attempts to follow Roop’s lead, placing her soft, delicate hands on his chest and shoulders. Soon, they’re both enjoying a heated embrace, as they nuzzle the other’s neck and ears, whispering confessions of love and forever fondness. The lights are now dimmed and Roop undoes the drawstring knot of his pants, while Shalini peeks with coquettish charm. “What’s he doing!” she asks herself. “She’s looks ravishing!”, Roop thinks. Just then, Roop flops onto his belly, making Shalini even more curious than before. Roops guides Shalini’s hands around his waist and back as she grows increasingly timid yet awkwardly comforted from Roop’s confidence. Just then, Roop traces Shalini’s fingertips dangerously close to the edge of his butthole, then gliding it once, and then twice over it’s puckered surface. Roop sounds a long, deep moan. Shalini shrieks in horror and screams “HAI BHAGWAN!!!!! and slaps him across the face.
SURPRISE!!!
In this turn of SURPRISE! several things happened. First, it’s quite clear from Shalini’s intial responses to Roop’s movements, that she’s not as adept at sexual foreplay, but has a “sound” idea of how it generally works. She easily reciprocates, rallying the occassional kiss, or gentle caress. Roops, on the other hand, has in place a strategy to expose one of his hidden perversions; ass play. Roop seizes her hands and ambushes his own butt using her fingers. From her reply, she CLEARLY did not expect this and was caught by SURPRISE!. But the face-slap was a “no no”, and for that, Roop still wins this round as Shalini can only hope that her intuition is more loyal to her next time.
I’d like to say, at the end of the day, there aren’t any ‘rules’ that one needs to follow. Life, love, relationships, friendships, conflict, etc. are dynamic. As such, nothing remains the same and everything is in a constant flux.
Some tools don’t work, some do, it all depends at the end of the day how you communicate your viewpoint and ideas. Knowing the person you’re talking to and how you can ‘reach’ them is critical. Honesty is at the core of it all, but tact and being honest are not mutually exlusive. Some people respond to emotionally charged ‘raw’ honestly, some need the truth layed out in a far more analytical and unemotional tone. Understanding the other person’s language figuratively is important and can only be gained with time and experience. If folks dive into an arranged marriage without much interaction, knowing each other’s tune, needs, wants, etc. will take some time. If you’re expecting this all to line up from day one, it won’t. And if you’re not willing to spend that time, then get the fook out and move on.
Does your partner want to know about your past sexual/relationship history for validating themselves or are they genuinely interested in know how you’ve evolved? Is your partner’s self esteem and security attached to idea of staying married over the substance of the interactions in the marriage? Is your partner probing for information on you as a power move, to use against you and give a guilt trip about it? This can go on and on. Putting blinders on and following a set of rules will never get you to your destination with your significant other. Again, try to know yourself. If YOU think knowing the answer to a certain question will change things then take responsibility for the consequences of it and a plan to approach an answer you may not like (vice versa is true for those answering a question).
Cary Tennis advises (well, not really) another desi in today’s column. This time it’s a single Pakistani woman who wants to get married.
I haven’t seen Chicken Tikka Masala but I’ve seen similar storylines played out in movies for other cultures. One was focused on a gay chinese new york male who marries and is subsequently raped by a wisp of a woman. He does it all for the sake of his culture. Arranged marriage itself is good fodder for movies because there’s just so much of the unknown there. I grew up around it all my life and I still know nothing about it.
I also agreed with Tennis’s advice. It’s an interesting change of pace for an advice column so I see how it got up there.