Carrie and Suj

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carrie suj.jpg Time Magazine (hat tip: Julie) this week has a story about a couple who got married in a Hindu ceremony recently in upstate New York, Carrie and Sujeet. But this isn’t your ordinary cross-cultural wedding — both Carrie and Sujeet have Down Syndrome. Carrie and Sujeet are the first generation of DS individuals to be healthy and functional enough to consider marrying. They’ve benefited from full social assimilation, new therapies, and close medical attention that mitigates the health complications of DS:

This generation of young adults with DS has shattered old ideas about what is possible for people who carry an extra 21st chromosome in their cells–the cause of DS–and what opportunities society owes them. They came of age in an era of early-intervention programs to spur physical and mental development–Desai began one at 7 weeks. Once in school, they were included in regular classrooms when possible and were offered tutoring and special classes when needed. Both bride and groom are high school graduates. Just as critical, this generation has benefited from medical care addressing the heart and gastrointestinal defects, eye problems, thyroid issues, obesity and other health woes that, for reasons that are poorly understood, often tag along with mental retardation as part of Down syndrome. The result: their average expected life span has doubled, from 25 in 1983 to 56 today.(link)

Carrie and Sujeet met, started dating, and he popped the question publicly after performing at a music recital. I think the whole thing is pretty wonderful. Check out Sujeet’s home page, which has video footage of him proposing and pictures. And Carrie has a website too. Also, Wikipedia on Down Syndrome for more on the science of the genetic condition.

39 thoughts on “Carrie and Suj”

  2. I read what his parents wrote under the page of his proposal and I just about burst into tears. Very sweet.

  3. This is so wonderful. I work with people with special needs, and marriage is not always an option for many of them. Just shows that individuals with disabilities can have the same choices/options as those without disabilities when they have access to the right supports. I hope these two people make each other deliriously happy!

  5. i’d implore Suj to chime in on the “Six Steps to Succesfully Comandeering Gori Ghaand: A Desi Perspective” or whatever that thread which talks about the spiritual virtuosity of looking beyond what’s “skin deep” in the banana-split oreo cookies ‘n cream mish-mash that is cross-cultural dating insanity.

    but from the looks of his careless expression coupled with Carrie’s own ear-to-ear grin my guess is that he’s too busy GETTING ASS.

    props to the new couple

  6. OMG Amardeep I could hug you. Thank you for sharing such a wonderful story. My mom’s youngest sister has DS and imagine having DS in India in the 70s. She was treated by everyone as if she was a leper except my grandparents who had the foresight of the benefits of making her self sufficient. She raised 8 kids in the house including me and is very smart and sensitive. My deepest regret for her has always been that they didn’t get her married because though her mental age is around 15/16 years of age she has successfully ran an entire household including financially, runs yoga for children and has taken care of all the revolving children in the household and has watched others get married. I know she would have made a wonderful partner to someone.

  7. You may be brown with downs, but you’re brown through and through:

    “I told my mom I wanted to date her,” Desai recalls. “I was shy. I couldn’t say anything, so Mom helped.”

    Yeah, that’s a desi boy alright 😉

    Mom took an active role throughout:

    Sujeet’s mother Sindoor, however, says she “had marriage in sight straightaway” once Sujeet expressed interest in Carrie. “We come from a different culture,” she explains. As India-born Hindus, Sindoor and Sharad Desai, both dentists, “don’t expect dating and breaking [up].” Nor did Sindoor wish to expose her vulnerable son to the emotional upheavals of serial entanglements.

    He was shy about making the first move:

    At a Valentine’s Day party, “I had my eyes on her all the time,” Sujeet recalls. Later that night, “I started to kiss her. She loved it!”

    Once they started dating, his (and her) idea of sweet talk on the phone was to discuss, what else … lunch! They’ve also got matching biodatas: they’re both high school graduates (pretty impressive given the circumstances) and they’re both black belts.

    And lastly, families were involved in bringing the family to the altar:

    Finally, with plenty of plotting by both families, Sujeet popped the question onstage after he played a concert for people with disabilities ….

    This is a pukka desi munda we;re talking about here 😀

  8. Ah, Ennis — you should have written this post. 😉

    Incidentally, it’s now (since 1975) usually called “Down Syndrome,” not “Down’s Syndrome.” That’s one of the little facts I picked up from the Wikipedia page.

  9. though her mental age is around 15/16 years of age she has successfully ran an entire household including financially, runs yoga for children and has taken care of all the revolving children in the household and has watched others get married.

    The sad irony is that India has plenty of brides whose actual age is less, yet society frowns on marrying somebody whose mental age is that much.

  10. Thanks for this rare moment of grace. Wow.

    (And, AC, you’re one crazy-ass desi. Always inappropriate, always hilarious.)

  11. Amardeep, not sure what you mean by this line:

    Carrie and Sujeet are the first generation of DS individuals to be healthy and functional enough to consider marrying

    Quite a few couples with Down syndrome have been married over the last fifty years (I can only speak for the UK, but I’m sure it’s the same in many other countries). It is a condition that is normally accompanied by learning disabilities, but these can range from barely noticeable to profound. I realise you are referring to the new initiatives that have benefitted people with Down syndrome, but they really don’t have anything to do with getting married. I remember reading a review from the mid 90s about marriage within the Down syndrome population – some 50 odd marriages were examined. All were couples with both partners having Down syndrome and most were closely supervised by families or carers. However many were quite troubled stories.

    This week on TV here, there was a programme all about a dating agency for people with Down syndrome. I’m afraid I missed it, but I hear it was both very heart-warming and also quite an awkward subject. As the brother of someone with learning disabilities, I know well how relationships between people with learning disabilities is a difficult area to address. I’ll try to find the details of that documentary if you’re interested.

  12. Hi Bong Breaker, welcome back. I was trying to acknowledge the life expectancy growth, not to imply that DS people didn’t marry earlier. But maybe there’s a more precise way to say it…

    I would be curious about the article you mention, if you happen to have a citation… Why were the marriages troubled?

  13. I read this article in Time and was so touched. Thanks for including this on your site. Many happy blessings to the new couple!

  15. He performs on the piano, the clarinet and four other instruments. Both have led workshops in which they demonstrate black-belt mastery of martial arts (hers in karate, his in Taekwondo).

    Feeling like an underachiever now, thanks.

  16. Here’s a surprising (to me at any rate) statistic from the Wikipedia article:

    Maternal age influences the risk of conceiving a baby with Down syndrome. At maternal age 20 to 24, the risk is 1/1490, while at age 40 the risk is 1/106, and at age 49 the risk is 1/11… Other than maternal age, there are no other known risk factors.

  18. thanks one of the most heartwarming stories ever posted on SM amardeep… it made my day..

    yes, age is the only real known risk factor for getting DS…nowadays with artificial insemination, and other such fertility drugs/etc, I don’t know if the rate has increased, stayed the same or decreased… women are giving birth later and later on….

    ahh.. i am smiling… and so damn happy for them both… thanks again for sharing.. now i’m going to go share that story with others in my world.

  19. THANKS! My sister has cerebral palsy. There doesn’t seem to be much discussion about disabilities in South Asian communities, so this is WONDERFUL. Especially on this issue. Too often, we focus on the physical needs, discrimination, etc. when it comes to people with disabilities, but we forget about the simple, normal things that most of us take for granted (things like marrying, dating). In fact, my sister says that her biggest dream is to get married and have a family. This story is one of the most inspirational and heartwarming posted on SM (I’m sure she will agree with me). I will most definitely pass this on.

    As a side note, while we all may have our feelings about the various South Asian matrimonial/dating websites, I would like to point out that shaadi.com has a drop-down option where you can put on your profile that you have a disability and/or whether you’d be open to a mate with a disability. I think it’s really great!

  20. just a heads up on the statistics. although the risk of having a baby with DS increases with maternal age, the majority of children with DS are born to mothers under the age of 30.

  23. just a heads up on the statistics. although the risk of having a baby with DS increases with maternal age, the majority of children with DS are born to mothers under the age of 30.

    You’re right – being a younger mother doesn’t guarantee that you wont have a DS baby. However, the reason why a majority of children with DS are born to mothers under 30 is because a majority of children period are born to mothers under 30. There are few mothers at 50 when the risks are highest, so they produce very few DS children into the total population.

  24. Did anyone ever watch Life Goes On? I was a big fan of Corky. The episodes centered around him were often the best, and the character was played by a very talented actor.

    Great post Amardeep!

  26. “The Other Sister” was a film that dealt with this issue specifically (romance and DS) and did a beautiful job of it.

  27. Holy shit! what a coincidence seeing this on Sepia.. Suj’s brother is my fraternity brother from college. (so I guess that makes Suj my brother too? :))

    They were interviewed on ‘The View’ last year as well. Real talented guy and very inspiring.

  28. Wonderful, wonderful post.

    Many thanks to Amardeep paaji for bringing this to our attention 😉

  30. I would like to point out that shaadi.com has a drop-down option where you can put on your profile that you have a disability and/or whether you’d be open to a mate with a disability. I think it’s really great!

    Not to side track from a feel good post but had to point this out. Shaadi.com may offer the option to put disabled on the profile but almost no one uses it. At one point out of curiousity I remember doing a search for it and there were all of 2 people on the entire site. When finding a significant other on the net most people aren’t upfront about themselves much less their disabilities.

  31. What a beautiful way to end the week. I am so glad that Suj and Carrie are in a country where their condition doesn’t stop them from having a life.

    Very touching. Thanks Amardeep!

  33. i guess its time that people in india noticed this … mite mite be a small chance that some1 feels inspired enuf to ensure that the marital bliss no longer needs to be confined to the able and healthy … its a law of nature, what man lacks in something, gains in something … you can see that by the immense talent possesed by carrie n suj .. and the others out ther ..

  34. Thank you so much for posting that wonderful story! It is so nice to see good things happen to people who really deserve to be happy.

  36. This is the most beautiful story I have read in quite some time.It was very emotional for me ,as we are also blessed with a beautiful daughter,Angela ,now 6 yrs old,with Down Syndrome.She is truly the love of our life,along with her 2 older brothers. Thanks for bringing this joyous occasion to the WORLD Robyn Knott Ottawa,Ont

  37. you go girl! those two will be happy together! i love ppl with DS!!! HER FRIEND CHRIS BURKE IS MY FAVORITE PERSON IN THE WHOLE WORLD!!sure wish i could meet the two of them!

  38. wooooowwww…….wonderful love story!!!!!my brother too has down syndrome.this sooo…..amaizing!!!!!i wish them both!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  39. wowwwwwww….sooooooo….womderful…my brother is also suffering from down syndrome.this is soooo amaizing.i wish them both!!!!!!!!!!