More ABCD Arranged Marriage Melodrama

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I’m sure everyone is sick of reading “my parents want me to have an arranged marriage, and I’m like, totally annoyed and stuff” stories in the American papers. Officially I am annoyed by them too, though I actually find these stories curiously addictive even in their predictability — like bad pop songs on the radio, or celebrity gossip.

Sarita James has one of these pieces in the New York Times “matters of the heart” column from the Sunday Style section. Though she initially resisted her parents’ attempts to have her arranged off, at the merry old age of 19 she decided she liked a boy they had picked out for her (he was 26) and got engaged. Even at the time of the engagement, the boy’s family indicated that he still had to “see” two other girls, in order to avoid “formally offending” their families.

So he goes off to India, and doesn’t call for a week or two. Oh oh. The family soon finds out the boy got engaged to an engineer in Bangalore! And Sarita gets these emails:

Dear Sarita, I am so sorry for what happened. I wish I had gotten married to you. Matters were taken out of my control. I want to apologize profusely both to you and your family. Unfortunately, I can never explain what happened.

A second e-mail message, posted five minutes later, read:

Dear Sarita, I regret my indiscretion in that first e-mail. Could you please delete it? Please trust that my apologies are sincere. (link)

The snake! But the explanation is even worse than the content of those emails:

A few years later, I learned that a large dowry had been exchanged as part of his wedding. Most of it had been passed along to his sister’s bridegroom when she was married the same year. Not only had the suitable boy let me down, he had also perpetuated the injustices of the dowry system. (link)

So not only is the boy a flagrant yellow-bellied wus, he’s a sell-out to the dowry system. At the end of the article, Sarita indicates that she’s still single, and she’s not doing the arranged marriage thing anymore. Good for her; hope she never gets an email like that again.

Anyone out there have comparable war stories they want to share (anonymously, if you prefer)? I’m particularly curious about nutty things that happen to people because of the internet.

361 thoughts on “More ABCD Arranged Marriage Melodrama”

  4. OMG AC and Spoorlam I’m getting a stitch in my side laughing at your posts 😀 😀 :D!!!!

    Finkie falling off her chair with laughter

  5. Test#1 – Can she hike, camp, and romp around in the outdoors for a few days(without complaining)?
    I love this test. I’m a single dude and within the first few dates I make sure to go on a hiking expedition that involves at least some scrambling over rocks. Figure if she can’t handle the Billy Goat Trail (a rather rocky trail just outside of D.C) without complaining, what’s she going to do if “forget” to take out the trash for a couple days?

    Oh jeez really. I hope there is a more philosophical reason for this test and not the actual physical one. They say you can tell a lot about someone by how they handle tangled christmas lights or a missed flight or some random adversity like a family member getting sick. I hope these above tests are in line with that sort of thinking and not some actual need to see if the woman can really hike because I mean for petes sake how much hiking does one do in their lifetime.

    I have a friend who has silly tests she puts men thru. Frankly you have to earn the level of insanity she puts some of these guys thru. And she wonders why they don’t stick around.

    I’ve learnt in life that when the right person comes along or the person is just simply “hot and above your league” all these ridiculous tests and rules go right out the window.

  6. The test has nothing to do with whether she’s physically capable of handling the hike. However, I do think it’s a good measure of patience and is illustrative of the kind of qualities I’d like to see in someone with whom I start a relationship. More importantly, I’m one who spends A LOT of time outdoors so I know it would be hard for me to spend a lot of time with someone who got scared every time she saw a bug or complained a lot about her shoes getting a little dirty. So, I think this passes Janeofalltrades’ concerns.

  7. Gottman claims he can predict with 91% accuracy in five minutes whether a couple are meant for each other: (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/product-description/0609805797/ref=dp_proddesc_0/102-8953095-9716149?%5Fencoding=UTF8&n=283155)

    Among other things, he looks for “every word and facial expression” and “bodily signs of stress or relaxation, such as how quickly their hearts pound”.

    PS: I use the same ideas to find out which boss will be good to work for, which coworker I can count on to help me and so on.

  8. I do think it’s a good measure of patience and is illustrative of the kind of qualities I’d like to see in someone with whom I start a relationship.

    Fair enough Sriram. For me it’s animals and smoking. I love animals and have a pet. It’s better to get the “are you going to be ok with that” out of the way in the first two dates or it’s pointless to pursue it. I also dislike smokers and won’t make an exception. I’ve had guys lie to me in the past because I’ve stated it up front so now I just trick them into being honest. Deceptive but better then someone lying to me about them not smoking when they do.

  9. I have friends(male and female) who are mid-30’s and not married yet. They already have neck pains and back pains. DUH! Your body is trying to tell you something

    I would say that probably has more to do with sedentary lifestyles/lack of sufficient exercise, along with poor posture and being hunched over a computer all day…..

    Stop kidding around to find the “perfect person” and get hitched already.

    …..And get divorced a couple of years later (or less). Or spend one’s life stuck in a dysfunctional marriage, with a toxic effect each other and a corrosive influence on any children who may arise from the arrangement (“relationship” would be the wrong word to use in this case).

    Ms Fink Nottle

    Re: comment #293 — not wishing to steal anyone’s thunder, but that quote you’ve mentioned was actually by me, not by JOAT bahenji.

    Puliogre in da USA

    Captain Kirk never bonked a Cylon, dammit — wrong decade (and wrong TV show) 😉

    Regarding SpoorLam,

    His latest contributions had me laughing my head off too. I wonder if he somehow has some kind of on-line tracker hooked up to MoorNam’s posts here — everytime MN leaves a comment, some kind of alarm goes off, SpoorLam picks up the latest words of wisdom, and rapidly leaves his own response shortly afterwards.

    By the way, I’m assuming most of you will have realised this, but SpoorLam links his name to a different picture (almost) every time, connected in some way to the tone of his message, and usually — but not always — of Modi saab. It’s hilarious — does he have a huge folder of suitable photos which he refers to ?!

    The funniest one was of Modi with his arm raised straight to one side and his finger pointing. Classic “Get out of my house !!!” angry uncle pose.

  10. I’m used to being parodied by people who cannot counter me with arguments.

    Shri MoorNam please tell me who is parodying you amongst these PseudoSecular Mutiny Confused Unmarried Desis. For sure, some of the women here have slept with Americans and Negroes, or even worse, maybe even cobras and Muslims. They shall feel the sting of my anger and I will add them to the list of people with whom Hindus have a grievance.

    Nobody can parody a man whose grandfather drank water through his nostrils or like mine, who aspirated through his asshole.

    Get married fast you hypertensive ABCD’s. We cannot defeat Wendy Doniger if our younger generation has sex-deprivation sciatica.

    Hail Sex Mogambo!

  11. Janeofalltrades wrote:

    I mean for petes sake how much hiking does one do in their lifetime?

    As much as flippin’ possible Jane! As much as possible.

    Sriram, I agree with you. It has nothing to do with how well she hikes, it had everything to do with her attitude and enthusiasm. It wasn’t a silly little test but an indicator of how well the relationship was going to work (I have a very low tolerance for whining/complaining). When I single, for me to even invite a GF along for a few days in the woods was a strong expression of interest.

    When I took my wife out to camp the first time, we hit some horrible weather. Snow, freezing rain, and soaking wet equipment/clothing. After three days of misery, I had enough. She turned out to be much tougher than me.

  12. Jai writes: >>I wonder if he(SpoorLam) somehow has some kind of on-line tracker hooked up to MoorNam’s posts here

    Either that or (s)he needs to get a life to divert him/her from constantly sniffing my stinking asshole and get to smell some roses in the process.

    I thought SM had a policy against “content-free .. personal, non-issue-focused” comments.

    M. Nam

  13. non-issue-focused flames; intolerant or anti-secular comments; and long, obscure rants may be deleted. Unless theyÂ’re funny. ItÂ’s all good then.
  14. Either that or (s)he needs to get a life to divert him/her from constantly sniffing my stinking asshole and get to smell some roses in the process.

    But they smell the same!

    Some PseudoSecular people would say that joking deflates the pomposity of pompous people and satire of haughty opinions is fun and legitimate target. It also make people laugh a little. But they are mostly so called progressives who seek to emasculate Hindus with so called inclusivness and don’t understand the seriousness of life and how we are all in danger unless Amir Khan and Vijay Prashad are defeated! I really think most of them read lesbian poets and dream of inclusivness. What do they know that only lesbians know?

    Hail stinky assholes Mogambo!

  15. “Either that or (s)he needs to get a life to divert him/her from constantly sniffing my stinking asshole and get to smell some roses in the process.

    I thought SM had a policy against “content-free .. personal, non-issue-focused” comments.

    M. Nam”

    Oh, stop being such a sour puss….oops, i forgot who i was address 😛

  16. By the way, I’m assuming most of you will have realised this, but SpoorLam links his name to a different picture (almost) every time, connected in some way to the tone of his message, and usually — but not always — of Modi saab. It’s hilarious — does he have a huge folder of suitable photos which he refers to ?!

    No

    Hail my Mojo!

  17. SpoorLam, do you have a blog? Will you ever reveal your true identity? Perhaps you and Mr. Moornam are two sides of the same coin, like Superman and Bizarro?? The possibilities are intriguing.

  19. Unless theyÂ’re funny. ItÂ’s all good then…

    Ahhh…I forgot! I guess sense of humour is a subjective trait…

    Jai,

    I said “get hitched” – not “get married”. Please read my post again – I have no comment on the method by which you ensure that you “get it” a few times a week. To each his own.

    M. Nam

  20. Ahhh…I forgot! I guess sense of humour is a subjective trait…

    Even though I empathise with your position of getting hounded, I have to admit those comments are very funny..

    I ROFL’ed reading the comments..

  21. Ahhh…I forgot! I guess sense of humour is a subjective trait…

    But Hindus originated humour 89 million years ago. Humour was massacred by the mlechhas Muslim invaders from the West.

    They destroyed many a temple of comedy.

    Then the British exploited our humour and became rich on Hindu jokes. Gandhi was assassinated by Godse, because he failed to tell a sardarji joke properly, meaning that Hindus lost face. Now we will rise and be great once more and prove that we have the greatest jokes, much greater than Abrahamics, whose humour is subjective.

    Ha Ha Ha Mogambo!

  22. For sure, some of the women here have slept with Americans and Negroes, or even worse, maybe even cobras and Muslims.

    Spoorlam I have to apologize for all the rude things I said to you when you first began to post. You are one of my hot favourites now…your last bit of nonsense is giving me a regular stomach ache laughing! Other SMers Some time ago we were debating whether Spoorlam is male or female (I voted male). Now a new question: are s/he and MoorNam the same person? Would that explain why Spoor never fails to show when Moor does (reads like poetry, that last bit!)

    Spoorlam Watch it, you are quickly assuming the attributes of a Saffron God: both male and female, several forms of the One etc…

  23. Ponniyin,

    I bet you like Austin Powers movies as well!!

    See – I don’t have a problem with SpoorLam parodying me. It’s just that (s)he is so predictable. Even I enjoyed the very first one, and smirked at the second. From the third one, it was all the same. It’s like putting more and more makeup on an ageing whore – you’d have to be completely drunk not to notice the garbage.

    If you have to parody, do it well. Be different every time.

    M. Nam

  24. Jai

    Thanks for pointing that out…I guess I got mixed up between the J’s :). Finkie

  27. Moor Nam, regarding child marriage:

    In many regions of the world where virginity is given a high social value, girls are married off at a young age, often to men many years older. A child bride faces greater health risks and experiences real physical violation and trauma as her young body is forced to deal with early sexual activity and the strains and pains of pregnancy and childbirth. One of the more damaging results of early child-bearing is vesico-vaginal or recto-vaginal fistulae. This complication, due to prolonged obstructed birth, leads to loss of full control of urinary and/or rectal functions. Given their lack of access to health care, most girls with this condition are unlikely to receive proper treatment. In the worst cases, many are divorced or abandoned and become social outcasts.

    from here

    ALSO, it’s bad for the babies who come outta this since babies born to teens are more likely to be low birth weight, and given that south asians (the world over, including those in veshtern countries) already have a tendency towards having lbw babies, would you really advocate early marriage and therefore early childbirth?

    whats wrong with being light you ask? read this

    You might say that these teens should go on birth control or use condoms….sure, but there’s always the chance of that not working…

  29. ummmm also – children should not have hormones pumped into them

    • most of the child marriages that happened in your grandfathers time, consummation was done as soon as the girl began menstruating, which could be as young as 10.
  30. If you have to parody, do it well. Be different every time.

    If the object of parody peddles the same tired arguments and clings to his myopic world view, why should the person doing the parodying be different every time? Let’s hold the hunter and the prey to the same standards.

  31. i probably shouldn’t get involved in this, but… i think spoorlam is quite brilliant and i would hate to see his contributions censored i should also say that although i disagree with moornam on almost everything, i have consistently found him to be courteous and a good sport. moreover, what spoorlam is parodying is not strictly associated with moornam, but has been voiced by various other commenters over the months, like hindutvavadi in california most recently. i guess i have a bit of a problem with how blatantly “spoorlam” as a handle is a takeoff on moornam. if i were micromanaging and finetuning, i’d humbly request that spoorlam continue to do his thing, big bulbous saffron testes and all, but perhaps under a new, less ad-hominem handle.

    as i was saying, i probably shouldn’t get involved in this, but hey.

    peace

  32. Moornam, to your comment #207.

    WTF!?!?!?!?!?!?!

    You’re actually advocating marrying some girl just so you can boink her, and thats supposed to cure back problems? Sorry but my chiropracter never said to me, “ice your back for 5 mins, then apply heat, then get some poontang”

    You say: “So there. Yes – sex is a big part of marriage – don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.”

    But sex shouldn’t be RATIONALE for marriage. otherwise the “no sex until marriage” rule is moot. Its like fastening your seatbelt, then dislodging your seat from the chasis, allowin the entire seat to float freely in the car. yea, you’re following the “always wear seatbelts” rule, but its really not doing you any good.

    Listen, I don’t care if you get it more than wilt chamberlain on a bad day, I know couples who were forced together by the bullshit reasons you profess, and because, hmm, they are fundamentally incompatible, they fight all hours of the day, blood pressure through the roof, and on more meds than rush limbaugh.

    The act of ejaculation (yes I said it) releases fluids and certain neurotransmitters in the brain such as dopamine, serotonin, etc.. so technically, a person can whack off to a strong healthy back, right?

    Heres what I hate, and I mean I really hate. People who have been victmized by this idiotic system (not saying you are one of them), but there are people who have been severly victimized by it, propogate it on their own kids! I mean WTF?!?!

    I tell all of my parents generation…”Fine, you lived in a shitty time, and you made the best of the options at hand, but why elevate it to a noble cause? Admit the stupidity of the system, and do your best to change it!”

  33. i fiend plentty of hot yung things in this site. do you wanting to be making frenship with me?

  34. siddhartha m

    i think spoorlam is quite brilliant

    Spoorlam’s latest bit was very inspired, but he mostly repeats himself.

    timepass

    Let’s hold the hunter and the prey to the same standards.

    Spoorlam’s monomania exceeds MoorNam’s, to the point that I find his/her takeoffs mostly tiresome (not always, of course). But that’s just my taste.

    What I do find slightly troubling is that one person should be singled out so consistently. I think MoorNam’s politesse ought not to be met with such pointed ‘pursuit’. Sid. M.’s suggestion that SpoorLam would be just as funny with another handle is a good one.

    Regards, Kumar

  35. I have previously commented about this constant attack on MoorNam was bothering me. It appears <b>middle-schoolish</b> (not even high schoolish ..but then thats my thinking).

    While MoorNam has refrained from personal attacks.

    Many people here dont agree with MoorNam's arguments (A lot of times that's me). But a lot of the time his/her arguments are sincere (although quite long :-) )

Without even reading the opposing argument and discounting an argument without reading just because it comes from someone you may have a bias against is the <b>hallmark of an extremist</b>.  If we are to have any serious debate on any topic, we must have variety of views. Echoing one's views in a echo chamber isnt a debate.

And BTW what's the deal with the pictures of Advani and Modi on the links that link SpoorLam's handle. It appears so much like that Hitler reference thing. Jon Stewart did a great little thing on that (comedycentral.com doesnt have that video anymore) But it was basically,  ... "if you dont agree with someone, compare them to Hitler"

  36. Personally I find MoorNam to be the most free-thinking and creative commenter on SM. The fact that this “free-thinking” is being parodied by SpooLam as right wing Hindu fundamentalism is quite ironic, but is also a sign of our times. like other thinkers (say Allen bloom or camille paglia) who offended an orthodoxy that thinks itself tolerant, MoorNam is actually more liberal than meets the eye, a subtlety that SpoorLam completely misses. Also, MoorNam can be quite (understatedly) funny himself.

  37. I agree with Manju, todays time is about bringing out the truth, be it the hindu-muslim conflicts or gender issues. A society that suppresses the truth or masks it for vested interests is doomed.

  38. I dont like hate: -Pakistan being called a monkey on the back or a younger brother- The chaps need to be dealt with seriously -India being branded as a country where arranged marriages happen- Alright, we get your point, but there any other issues that need attention and BTW there are other countries where arranged marriages happen like Pakistan, Bangladesh. And you thought people in Islamic countries dated before getting married? -Indian women taking pride in choosing whites, negros, cobras over desis- Well, its your life -Gurinder Chadha Movies

  39. Re #338: Those who invoke “the truth” usually mean one narrow Truth that they believe in and aspire to convert all else to 🙂 (why does I get so deeply suspicious any time anyone invokes those words!!)

    Finkie, still stunned at the description of the most free-thinking and creative commenter on SM

  40. Hmmmm….I don’t really get where SpoorLams parodies of MoorNam are intolerant of his views, they are just humor. I think he’s the funniest thing I have read in ages and lets face it, moor Nam gets very pompous sometimes although I dont think hes calling him a fascist i think his targets are more general than that and more a certain kind of pompous self important attitude — RC and Manju lighten up dont be so grumpy and sensitive smile and get a sense of humor you kind of make his point, know what I mean? 😉

  41. My arguement is against selective commodification of issues for western consumption. The ABCD melodrama is being beaten to death coz it has become a commodity the west wants to buy. Do you think a story about a metrosexual Indian chef who wears lavender shirts would sell as much, probably not. Thats called Pop-culture ie giving what the people want to buy rather than telling the whole truth.

  42. Topcat: Why do you think Indian women are ‘taking pride’ in choosing anything-but-desi over desi? There is chronic moaning and groaning on this site from Indian women madly wanting desis and not getting them. I for one hate the ABCD-bashing that regularly takes place on this site by hypersensitive Indian-borns.

    Wheatish: I fail to understand why you thought my homewrecking desi dude remark was pro-Whitey. Maybe it’s a viewpoint thing. As far as I’m concerned, homewrecking is not particularly evil, its entrepreneurial.

  43. Fink and SpoorLam Fan:

    RC and Manju lighten up dont be so grumpy and sensitive

    Actually, for the record, I find Spoorlam hilarious too (especially the Grandfather breathing out of his ass bit) but I didn’t want to include this in my defense of MoorNam. I hope he doesn’t get censured either.

    moor Nam gets very pompous sometimes

    You miss the point. MoorNam is the true geniues. Spoorlam is funny, but in a generic/conventional way. MoorNam is like God–playing to an audience who’s afraid to laugh. MoorNam’s writings are those of the subtle comedic genius; SpoorLam is the comic who drops his pants for laughs.

    Yes, Fink I do see him as a free thinker–in a very modern sense. Take his justification of child marriage. Like Allen Bloom and Camille Paglia–who took ancient wisdoms that has since been branded ethnocentric prejudices; MoorNam is pointing out that Nature does not alway coexist well with our modern ideological presuppositions–espcially feminism. The notion that the ancients may have been wiser about some things than the moderns alway creates quite a stir among the educated elite. To take the ancients seriously is often the most open minded act of all.

  44. “My arguement is against selective commodification of issues for western consumption” #342

    ooooooh.

    But see, this site is largely for Desi (ABD, ABCD, FOB, VMID*, whatev) consumption

    *Very Much In Desh

  45. This evening as I did my Yoga, I was thinking about options for saving Hinduism from Californian textbooks while simultaneously practising breathing through my ass, just like my grandfather taught me all those years ago in the village pond, with buffalos staring at his crack.

    I managed 17 minutes before other functions required the passageway.

    I then decided to drink some water via nostrils and successfully completed this whilst considering the art of parody and the subversive intolerance of PseudoSecularists who make people laugh. I am just glad I was married as a child, or else I would have backache now and only be able to traffic gas one way through my ass. Same with sinuses. Vedic system (greatest since Big Bang) rescued me from that fate.

    Juvenile posters who make jokes should be banned or stopped or at least shouted at for making people laugh. It’s not funny, it’s childish and middle schoolish. We are not children, our balls are saffron and they dropped many years ago. Some of the people here have saffron ovaries too, and they are fertile as well. There are more serious things to consider than laughing and joking. Things like how tight khaki shorts can be worn without embarrassment of squeeze, investigating Pakistan’s involvment in sabotage for the recent Spelling Bee disaster.

    Henceforth I shall be known as Saffron Afro.

    As the premier freethinker and ageing whore with make up I will not tolerate jokes, levity, satire, parody. Bigoted and intolerant anti-national extremists of PseudoSecular Mutiny watch out! Saffron Afro is watching you! Together with other charismatic free thinkers with agendas, confused American Hindus destroying free thought with inclusiveness and other intolerances shall be monitored.

    Hail Mogambo!

  46. Gargi

    Why do you think Indian women are ‘taking pride’ in choosing anything-but-desi over desi? There is chronic moaning and groaning on this site from Indian women madly wanting desis and not getting them. I for one hate the ABCD-bashing that regularly takes place on this site by hypersensitive Indian-borns.

    Well, you can find examples in this blog itself

    I fail to understand why you thought my homewrecking desi dude remark was pro-Whitey. Maybe it’s a viewpoint thing. As far as I’m concerned, homewrecking is not particularly evil, its entrepreneurial.

    Its a story that could sell in the west. Imagine a brown man with a big belly beating his wife… “Hey woman, dry my underwear” aaaaaaaaaaa But the reality at my home is that my father is the one who dries all the towels everyday.

  47. MoorNam is the true geniues.

    I agree!

    MoorNam is like God

    Not like! He is GOD!

    The notion that the ancients may have been wiser about some things than the moderns alway creates quite a stir among the educated elite

    .

    Especially the need to marry women to snakes and marry children to children!

    This is GOD like GENIUS! Super-subtle intelligence of a Bloomian-Pagliaesque type. Truly like Zeus from atop Mount Olympus.

    Shri MoorNam – we must worship his lingam!

    HailMogambo Manju!

  48. Oh no, SPOOOR come back, all is forgiven. What a dreadful name Saffron Afro is!

  49. Saffron Afro/SpoorLam:

    Hah Hah Hah. Kudos to you too. You may not be the subtle genius that MoorNam is; but an overt one ain’t to bad either.

  50. Topcat,

    I don’t get it. What does wifebeating have to do with homewrecking? ‘Homewrecker’ is a term for someone who wrecks a home by stealing someone else’s spouse, for a short time or a long.