I’m sure everyone is sick of reading “my parents want me to have an arranged marriage, and I’m like, totally annoyed and stuff” stories in the American papers. Officially I am annoyed by them too, though I actually find these stories curiously addictive even in their predictability — like bad pop songs on the radio, or celebrity gossip.
Sarita James has one of these pieces in the New York Times “matters of the heart” column from the Sunday Style section. Though she initially resisted her parents’ attempts to have her arranged off, at the merry old age of 19 she decided she liked a boy they had picked out for her (he was 26) and got engaged. Even at the time of the engagement, the boy’s family indicated that he still had to “see” two other girls, in order to avoid “formally offending” their families.
So he goes off to India, and doesn’t call for a week or two. Oh oh. The family soon finds out the boy got engaged to an engineer in Bangalore! And Sarita gets these emails:
Dear Sarita, I am so sorry for what happened. I wish I had gotten married to you. Matters were taken out of my control. I want to apologize profusely both to you and your family. Unfortunately, I can never explain what happened.
A second e-mail message, posted five minutes later, read:
Dear Sarita, I regret my indiscretion in that first e-mail. Could you please delete it? Please trust that my apologies are sincere. (link)
The snake! But the explanation is even worse than the content of those emails:
A few years later, I learned that a large dowry had been exchanged as part of his wedding. Most of it had been passed along to his sister’s bridegroom when she was married the same year. Not only had the suitable boy let me down, he had also perpetuated the injustices of the dowry system. (link)
So not only is the boy a flagrant yellow-bellied wus, he’s a sell-out to the dowry system. At the end of the article, Sarita indicates that she’s still single, and she’s not doing the arranged marriage thing anymore. Good for her; hope she never gets an email like that again.
Anyone out there have comparable war stories they want to share (anonymously, if you prefer)? I’m particularly curious about nutty things that happen to people because of the internet.
LOL watch out.. someone might say that you have utter lack of experience or an utter lack of compassion.
I love indian women the way they are. The point is nobody is perfect.
Actually I think you are gravely wrong. I think it’s presumptious to think these people would have failed at their marriages anyway. Don’t people fail in life at all kinds of actions all the time? Your argument implies they are simply losers.
I have seen nearly 10 divorces among my friends in the past few years. Some of them have already gotten remarried and gone onto have kids and a happy marriage. A lot of people I grew up with just gave into pressure and convinced themselves they were doing the right thing for themselves and their family. Yes screwy but it happens and I wouldn’t be so easy to judge them unless I were in their shoes.
I’m close to a few of them and it was a very difficult and well thought out decision. The love in most cases never really happened and you can’t spend a lifetime simply pretending to be married especially considering people live well past 75 now. The marriages ended because they chose to walk away after a trying, some for years, to make it work.
The only party I’ve personally always faulted is parents. I couldn’t tell you in words how painful it is to see people be so selfish towards their own children and not listen and create hell. Incidentally I was watching Queer Eye for the Straight Guy this morning and caught the wedding planning of a Jewish guy and Italian girl. Both are doctors, they’ve been together for 5 years but jesus the families were all about themselves. It was all about how they were disappointed and what they expected. I mean jesus what happened to being happy your child ended up with another person who is compatible, educated and has stuck around for the long haul. It pisses me off to no end to see that. To me that’s just pure and simple selfish and self absorbed on the part of the parents. At what point is the umbilical cord cut off??
What statistics?
Topcat and Funkydesi:
Of course nobody’s perfect and women are sometimes to blame for divorce. I was responding to Funkydesi’s ridiculous question about how a love marriage can end up in wreckage, which implied that the person entering the love marriage must have been to blame and should have just married the suitable boy/girl their parents chose. Topcat, as for wet towels killing a marriage, I’d like to see the statistics you have on that. No one I know here has broken up or divorced for such trivial reasons.
Secondly, you two are blind if you don’t see that many women of our parents’ generation put up with shitty men to avoid divorce. Even women of my generation in India put up with shitty men to avoid the social stigma of separation/divorce. AND YES – there were/are a few men putting up with shitty women, but since men have ten times the social and economic freedom women have over there, women are much more likely to have to put up with shittiness than men. Read – IMBALANCE OF POWER.
I dont have statistics on the wet towel divorces but heres a link which talks about american women being twice as likely to initiate a divorce than the men.
We ought to stop kidding ourselves about men,” wrote Winnipeg talk show host John Collison in the National Post last month. “Whether it be biology or the legacy of Bob Guccione [publisher of Penthouse magazine], when it comes to a troubled marriage, the male is more ready, willing and able to bail.” Mr. Collison epitomizes the popular view that it is the man who usually breaks up a family in hot-blooded pursuit of a “trophy wife” or casual affairs. In reality, says a wave of new research, throughout most of North American history wives have filed for divorce twice as often as husbands. Read the whole article here http://www.fathersforlife.org/divorce/divmen.htm
http://marriage.rutgers.edu/Publications/pubtoptenmyths.htm
Think its a pretty good site. as for stats, sorry don’t got none but tis safe to say that men are not 100% responsible(as in all the time).
“Anyone out there have comparable war stories they want to share (anonymously, if you prefer)? IÂ’m particularly curious about nutty things that happen to people because of the internet.”
Sure, but let me tell u, this is not a funny one at all!!!
I am totally cool with the whole AM concept, c’mon, its authorized sightseeing, how can you miss it?:). Besides, I don’t see anything wrong with the whole AM thing. We are all aware of the online matrimonial sites, where parents and prospectives alike, look for suitable partners. Well, as the whole thing goes, my parents did find someone. One will understand the importance of horoscope matching, if one is a SIB. So this particular match, met all the requisites and above, so that, the match proceeded from Horors..err horos matching, parent meeting, and sundries till the email of the bride was passed to the groom, to establish the first point communciation between the chosen ones. First week, he is busy, he will email the next weekend. Second week passes by. Third week, oh, I will send my son the email id. (What?!) Fourth week, my parents hint at letting the match go. Fourth weekend, grooms mother calls home to inform that the groom will definitely emai this time. Fifth, sixth, seventh week. All passed by without a hint of whatsoever. I have heard of communication gap, but this is above and beyond a gap, its a chasm!!
I am not incensed that the guy did not contact me, but I am raging mad, at his parents for letting my parents be in a limbo, and not giving them an answer. For a girls parents, it is always hard to let of what they consider a good match. There could be millions of reason for the miscommunication, but hey, I am not here to give benefit of doubt to each and every body. May be its time, somebody gave the boy and his family, a crash course for the lack of courtesy and ineptness. And trust me, I am in good mind to give it to them.
Most of the comments here have only dwelled on the groom getting married for money/dowry, but there is a sub-species of girls in india who will only marry – Green card holders/H1Bs/some even more specific – IBM, NY, H1B!!! So the concept of marriage to acquire wealth is not restricted to men alone.
AM – Arranged marriage SIB – South Indian Brahmin
Hello All, Since we’re on the topic of arranged marriages and controlling indian parents, I thought I would comment on what’s going on in my life to maybe put things into perspective or gain some perspective.
Five years ago, after meeting at a brown convention and becoming best friends, my current squeeze and I fell madly in love and have been dating ever since. The love was so intense, within the third day he told me he loved me and saw me as his wife. Normally that would freak anyone out, but I really really felt the same way. Two years later, he popped the question and I said yes..here’s the catch….in the beginning when we started dating, he told me he couldn’t tell his parents because they would think he was too young to be in a serious relationship and since i am a year older, it wouldn’t go over well with his mom..she’d think I would be controlling (needless to say i am not the controlling type..more like I believe to each their own but if you are in a relationship sometimes youdo things for eachother, out of love)
Anyways i was against it but I was so in love..that i decided to sideline my principle that if a relationship needs to be hidden, its not a relationship and that truth and honesty is the best way. Anyways, the year snowballed into five…he tried telling them once and they freaked out. Keep in mind, his parents are great parents, but they have some sort of hold on him..he’s so scared of hurting them and he feels this overwhelming need to pay them back for their troubles…i mean that’s honorable..but to a point… anyways, meanwhile my parents have been supporting this secret relationship despite the fact that they too were opposed esp because of the secret thing…we are both great kids, very successful, very nice kids so there is nothing wrong with us dating, in fact in normal circumstances, because we’re the same language, same background, same everything, people would be rejoicing that we are together…. And he’s been holding a gun to their heads saying please don’t get her married to anyone else, please don’t tell everyone…I just want to make this work with my parents.
Five years later, after living close to eachother and all he made promises of lets move home for one last year after he finished school just so we can be with our parents and we’ll get married in a year.
After moving home..when he broke the news to his parents that he was going to marry me…all hell broke loose…his mom freaked out to the max, pulled the melodramatics, ranted, raved, digged up fake rumours on me and my family, made herself sick etc etc. His father joined in and now he’s saying pls wait two years or three till they settle down, i have more money and maybe do a masters.
I have been nothing but a devoted, understanding caring best friend and girlfriend. He’s been nothing but a wonderful, caring devoted, loving, strong and sweet boyfriend/fiance. We’d been happy when we were living close to eachother away from our parents. He makes me happy and Yes a lot of people would say gosh girl get out..but he’s my best friend…and the one person I can see myself with…we’ve grown together…we love eachother etc etc.
What do you all say? I mean i can’t believe that his parents have such a pull over him…they want to arrange his marriage with some braindead girl…just because i am too modern or too independant. He keeps holding me back from moving on saying everything will work out..but i mean long can I really wait?
All I want is for him to tell them that we’re getting married no matter what, and not to draw this thing out longer…I would never get in the way of him making amends with his parents, i’m a family girl, i’m not like that. And I mean, in this day and age, brown people hardly want to choose eachother..(now i understand sometimes why) but I mean we did because we loved that we were both brown, yet so in tune with everything else and we love each and everything about each other.
Why do parents want to have this control over people? why is he doing what he’s doing? is it that he just doesn’t love me? then why are we going through all this nonsense? What do all you brown boys out there say? How would you deal? Should I wait? Should I go?
Ultimatum time, but only because it has been so many years. There comes a point in every man’s life when he has to choose and live that choice. He brings dishonor upon himself every day that he puts aside the hard but correct choice (telling his parents to f*ck off) and takes the easy choice (taking advantage of your love and patience). No matter how much you love him, this character weakness will always be with him unless he stands up now to defeat. Eventually the character weakness will poison your relationship anyways. If you break up with him it may take you years to get over him and you may never get over him. If you choose to stay the current course for much longer however you are sacrificing something more than just love and hapiness. Talk to him plainly and give him whatever support he needs in making the choice but make him stand up and make a choice. Life is for those who live to choose and not for those who live to have others choose for them.
MC….
Sounds hairy. I know it’s hard but instead of being emotional you might want to figure out the root of what the hold on him really is. Is he financially independent or dependent on his parents? Are they financially dependent on him? Does he have other siblings? What’s going on with them? If you are 22 and he wants to wait a few more years I say absolutely. But if you are pushing 30 and he wants to wait a few more years (being that you are no longer young and inexperienced kids not implying biological clock) an ultimatum might be the only option. Sucks and sounds manipulative but it is possible he is unwilling to do anything about the situation because he knows you will always be around no matter what.
MC(#207) I agree with what Wolf and JOAT said. You guys are the “same language, same background, same everything”? His parents should BE SO lucky to get a daughter-in-law like you. This aspect of some Indian parents to shoot down anyone for their kids unless the PARENTS themselves are involved in the choosing, is a very old trait. Mirza-Sahiba and Heer-Ranjha for example were of identical ethnic/caste background (Muslim Punjabi Jatt), and if their parents had arranged things, no one would have had a problem with them getting married…but since they found each other, the whole world was against them. Mirza and Sahiba were even first cousins (preferred Muslim choice of spouse) but even that couldn’t satisfy the insulted ego of the parents. These stories are myths (probabaly based on real events) but they illustrate entrenched attitudes and cultural traits that in some forms persist today.
MC,
This man has twice chosen his parents over you, despite your kindness and patience over many years. Do you want to waste more time on a man with no balls? And who does he have no balls with? Not a fascist state, not society, not another man. His PARENTS. It’s pathetic. DTMFA. Trust me, there are adorable, sweet, handsome, caring REAL MEN out there who would die to be with someone as kind and sweet as you have shown yourself to be. Right now, he is manipulating your virtues to serve his weaknesses, you are letting him do this and wasting precious years…
I am quite saddened to read so many of the comments. I am slightly older than you guys, a FOB SIB who had an AM 🙂 My parents did not do a great job with their marriage and yet I had an AM. My brother went the other route and married totally the other end of the spectrum. In all your words I am seeing the future of my own children. Will they be telling me that I dont understand them? I dont know. We live in a small University township. I am educated but do not work. Do a lot of volunteer work with diverse kinds of people. It is enlightening to read your angst and maybe more of us should be online reading and trying to understand that our children are the bridges between various cultures. Would I force a marriage on them, no. But would I try and get the network activated for probably meet-over-coffee dates, definitely! So would I first go for another SIB, yes! At this point would I be strict about my sub-caste I dont know. Your comments are raising all kinds of questions about my own thinking. Thank you for starting this thread.
Mochalatte, I agree with other folks who are saying it may be time for an ultimatum or elopement. Five years is a very long time to wait.
A couple of people on this long comments thread mention that they went against parents’ wishes and melodrama and found that over time the parents came around. I myself have friends who have been in this boat — inevitably (unless they are insane) the parents find that their prejudices are overblown and wrong. They’ll forgive him, especially if the main problem is that you are one year older. Their own friends will try and persuade them to chill.
Try and persuade your BF that this is how it will play, and good luck.
MC, Ya gotta do what you feel is right. He has got to choose either you or his parents(now that they’ve gone to the irreparable extent of rumor mongering). I would probably ask him to make the decision sooner than later… give him a deadline. If nothing happens between now and the deadline, you can probably assume he is choosing his parents. good luck with what ever happens.
This thread has been a bit of an eye-opener for me. I was of the opinion that most of the 1-gers gave their children a free hand in choosing their life partners.
The situation in India is rapidly changing. The more educated an individual, the higher the chances that his/her parents will let them choose their own partner (this is my personal observation).
A lot of my friends got married recently..and now when I think about it, around 80% of them had “love” marriages. I have a time-tested methods for FOBs (some ABDs might also find it beneficial). If you’re in love with an Indian girl, and fear that your parents won’t approve of her, then do as follows:
1. Call your parents and start dropping hints that you are friends with “goris”. 2. Email them your pictures from your trips, univ, india night w/e…make it a point to include some pictures in which you’re with a gori. 3. Talk to your mom on how the ‘gori’ chori loves Indian food, Indian culture and everything Indian under the sun. 4. Wait for your mother’s call.She’ll be terrified at the prospect of you marrying a gori. She’ll most probably say..”beta..we don’t want you to marry a gori..there are so many desi girls in US..why can’t you find a good desi girl. we won’t have any problems with that. Please don’t marry a gori”. 5. You know the rest.
PS: As I pointed out before, this is a time tested method. I personally know 2 cases where this has worked.
PPS: For you girls out there..replace “gori” by “gora” and “chori” by “chora”. You’re all set.
Wolf this is a really important and insightful point…
Standing up to parents (even though the chance of them coming around is very strong) is a really painful decision that requires an immense amount of strength. If that basic strength is missing it can really permeate into so many other situations in life.
I dated someone who went thru something similar. I couldn’t fathom what sort of hold his parents had on him. He was a grown man that simply had never been in a situation in the past where he needed to go against the grain and couldn’t handle it. In the end we split up amicably because I wanted him to convince his parents rather then ditch them which we both knew he never would have anyway. He did eventually meet a girl that was in every way perfect, all that his parents would have wanted and they refused to accept her because they hadn’t picked her out. Thankfully he choose her. His parents bitched and moaned about it for a long time.
Similarly I’ve known of two couples that got married, one Hindu/Muslim couple where the parents didn’t even show up to the wedding. They did come around after the grandkids were born. But wow what a selfish selfish way of doing things. Life is too short to go thru something like this.
MC – What Amardeep said. Your lives should be first and foremost, not your parents’ — and after being forced to confront the fact that their kids are adults, parents often do come around. Fundamentally, it sounds like it’s not about your relationship at all, but about his parents’ need to control their son, and if forced to realize they can’t still control their adult child, they may figure out some other way to configure their relationship with him. Happens with lots of parents…. Another thought — are there other relatives in his family who might be supportive allies? He might want to talk to them. Good luck.
MC – If I were in your place, I would have asked the guy to take a stand…real soon. Things usually don’t automatically fall in place…you both have to get this settled, one way or the other.
Brown Fob –
LOL. Brilliant plan. But what do you do if you’re really in love with a gora/gori?
Then claim you are in love with a black man/woman preferrably someone with a gold tooth 🙂 or that you are gay or a lesbian…
JoAT: I was going to say exactly the same thing (minus the gold tooth).
Gargi’s next question will be: What if you’re really in love with a black man with gold tooth ?
hen claim you are in love with a black man/woman preferrably someone with a gold tooth 🙂 or that you are gay or a lesbian…
or even better, just say the girl/guy is a muslim from India and you’ll be all set. Sad but true, indians have the most rotten, ossified ideas of people when it comes to marriage.
Then claim you are in love with a Cylon, naturally.
Omg, Dear Wolf, JaneofAllTrades, Amitabh, Gargi, Amardeep, Funkydesi, Number Six,Brown Fob,and other Sepia Mutineers Your insights are such gems to me… thank you for responding and letting me know that I’m not the only one who thinks he’s acting a little crazy… I’ve felt so alone and powerless…my parents are like just leave at this point, my friends are like Just leave, and its true…its hard to leave…I’m in the midst of the ultimatum laying…I’ll let you all know how it goes…perhaps I’ll be able to help out other girls or guys in my situation. I feel the exact same way, Gargi,about your comment: “And who does he have no balls with? Not a fascist state, not society, not another man. His PARENTS. It’s pathetic.” I’ve never ever let my overprotective parents ever tell me what to do or how to live my life and now they respect me for the choices I make, sometimes they give advice but only once…and then they give me nothing but support. To all those people out there, parents are parents. They love you no matter what. Its about how YOU deal with them…if you respect them as people who will understand if you take a stand for yourself, then you’ll be able to get over the control issue..I think. But it also is if your parents can see the big picture, which a lot of desi parents unfortunately don’t. Why would you want your child to be a brainless dodo and follow every advice you give? yes it could be good advice, but I mean how will that person ever gain the skills to make their own decisions and know right from wrong?
And Like I said..I’m also very brown..I understand how hard it is for him when his parents are doing that!! I went through that when I started dating…and I know what its like..but this is not just dating! I”m HIS FIANCE!! THe person who will eventually take care of him when his parents are gone! GOSH!!! And Amitabh, thanks for your sweet comment about the fact that his parents should be so lucky: they really should…they’d never find a person more willing to accept their issues for the love of their son.
Its sad, that in this situation, if he doesn’t take the ultimatum, i might be forced to believe that in our desi society, sometimes LOVE is really not important …and you can love someone with all your heart….and be pure and honest and patient…and eventually shrewd manipulation will triumph over your goodness. Thank you for all your webpresence….its so comforting to reach out and find I’m not crazy…can you believe he tries to convince me that I’m asking for too much????????
LOL and BROWNFOB…Love the let’s marry gori advice!!! some of the women I work with are like HEY! let him take us home as his fiance! We’ll turn his mother on to you like glue! But he’s just not going to do such smart things… unfortunately.
SIGH!!!! I’m 26…frustrated with the mess i’m in and wondering why….and whether carrying our brownness with us is a curse or our culture.
Thanks again all…and i’ll keep my eyes peeled for more posts…I’m glad I found this site and have enjoyed reading everything else….YEAH SEPIA MUTINY!!!
I guess the only way you’re really screwed is if you are in love with someone of the same sex with a gold tooth who happens to be a Muslim from India. Then it’s time to tell them you have only six months to live.
Gargi said: “I guess the only way you’re really screwed is if you are in love with someone of the same sex with a gold tooth who happens to be a Muslim from India. Then it’s time to tell them you have only six months to live”.
Or, you can tell them you’re going to marry a snake (see Neeraja’s thread about this).
JOAT and Number six…
Just to answer your questions:
In total Desi speak: He is eligible boy, completed engineering degree, warking bhery nice consalting job, has a car, fair complexion, bhery handsome.. he’s completely independant, and so am I!!! But he wants to first spend years paying his parents back ….i guess to soften the blow????
And Number Six…his sibling…older brother…got an arranged marriage and is the perfect son…and is a silent supporter, but not really a supporter…I mean he tried to reason with the parents, but couldn’t. And so now he’s just a listener…he says to wait.
Hello!!! WAIT???Does his entire family think my life is endless??? Actually I think his mom knows that if they make me wait, I’ll leave.
AAAARGH! And the thing is: you know those sex in the city episodes, when the mother controls the son: he used to laugh at it and say the guy was pathetic!!! And he’s heard tonnes of his friends stories about running away for true love, and he’s seen V for Vendetta when they say all you have is that one inch, your integrity ….and he commented on how that was true.
Ur right…its just me…i’ve been letting him get away with it…but then should all girls who date men like this give up their true love for their principles?
The snake-lovin’ lady had no issues with her parents. How f***ed up is that. Poor MC has to deal with hell for no logical reason whatsoever, and the snake-lover just sails along.
MC:
If you’re 26, then your BF is 25, so I guess he was only 20 when you met; that IS very young, and I can seen why he had a hard time standing up to his parents, or why they might be against him thinking about marriage so young. Now that he’s 25, and has kept you waiting for 5 years, yes he should take a stand and make a decision. But I’d say most people can’t handle these issues in their young 20s.
Oi Gargi!! How true! Let this be a lesson to us all…
BROWN PEOPLE…MARRY SNAKES…
Gees..I mean with the 2000 some odd people that showed up to the wedding for the snake and the lady….
I’m not even going to have a wedding.. 🙁
I wonder what would happen to my fiance if he was gay ….poor guy.
OMG Gargi 225 & Amitabh 226 you guys are killing me. I’m sitting here laughing hysterically.
MC hang in there girlfriend and time to cash in the patience.
I know desis(from India) either going for an arranged/love marriage straight from India or marry an indophile gori but not an ABD. Isnt that wierd?
MC – You could also “leave” and just let things play out for a bit — you absolutely, definitely wouldn’t want to do that lightly, but of course what might happen next at that point isn’t predictable and wouldn’t necessarily be the end of the story, so remember that as well. (I do know commitment phobes who have changed their tune after experiencing the loss of their relationship for a bit. Perhaps not, but something like that could be precisely what provokes him into being more decisive.) Or you could take some intermediate step away from each other that leaves the door open to revisit the issue at a later point, but in a way that makes clear that you are taking a step away — I’m less a fan of that one, but I’ve seen situations in which that has made sense as well.
Thanks JOAT and Amitabh…
Here’s another pressing question:
How many of you out there put priority on brownness when choosing a spouse? I mean at first I was like NOOOOOOO WAYYYY….because I’ve seen plenty of brown couples and the insanity that ensues their exchange of vows…but as I grew older, I realized…well I want my children to keep alive my culture and values and I want to teach them about who we are… after all…we are brown/sepia…right? that’s what unites us on this page here…to be able to understand each and every facet of being brown/hindu/muslim….
but as russell peters says…”one day we’ll all be beige…hinjews, hollapinos (holland and phillipino), icecubes (iceland and Cubans) Goofies (german and a newfie)…etc etc….do we want to loose that? i mean I’m also all for openness and forgetting racial boundaries…but then…we’re still brown!
And that being said… in brown society..after being honest with men about my past as I described above…how many indian men want a girl that’s been spit out by a family and totally kicked to the curb by a fiance?
I wouldn’t personally care…but how many people actually do?
These are gray areas of life where there are no one size fits all answers. In the end it isn’t about priciple if you think about it but your lost time and youth. You don’t want to find yourself alone in your late 30s when he finaly gives into his parent’s pressure and marries a girl of their choosing. So it is about being smart not necessarily compromising on true love.
Then he wouldn’t be your problem 🙂
Or time to tell them not that you are in love with a Cylon, but that you are a Cylon and that the world is about to end.
I never put a premium on brownness and ended up with a bunch of goras. (I did date one Muslim from India, who probably had a gold tooth – I wasn’t with him long enough to inspect all of his teeth – and who btw, was extremely unpopular with my Mom). Now I want a desi guy, but can’t bring myself to exclude people on the basis of race. I just can’t stomach the idea of saying no to some attractive, interesting guy just because he’s not desi.
But regarding desi guys…even on the basis of SM posts, there seem to be a lot of open-minded, sensitive, even feminist desi guys out there, both born here and Indian-born. So I wouldn’t sweat the past at all.
In my experience it turned out that young desis and their heart did not see race as a boundry when in school and till the early 20s. As they grew up and formed an identity about themselves they tended to concentrate on someone brown like them. For women this lasts till they start pushing 40 at which point they will settle for the next nice guy irrespective of skin/race. For men they really don’t hold out that long and will go back to desh and find a nice girl when all else fails in the west. This is of course a general observation.
Hold on a second girl. You are jumping way ahead of yourself. Take a deep breath. No one needs to know sordid details about your past. Details to a degree are only shared with trust. Don’t underestimate men. They are perfectly capable of handling the past as maturely as women so don’t sell them short. Secondly the whole bit about splitting out from the family and being kicked to the curb is a bit too filmy. I ran away from home when I was 17 and today my parents are so sappily supportive and caring towards me I sometimes wonder if all those years were just a strange surreal dream. They ALWAYS come around.
Is MC making this all up for her story book just like the Sarita james girl (the protagonist of this blog)?
Agree with JOAT the premise is wrong — but that leaving that aside, if any Indian men have an issue with that then they are not the men for you. Your dignity comes first.
Hi Wheatish…
i know it sounds preposterous…but its really real.. I swear…if you want..i can send you pics and documentation…LOL.
Convincing desi parents is a difficult task..but it is not impossible. I gave a few tips ( refer to the gori chori post above). Here are some more pointers.
“Pre-emptive strike” is the name of the game. Before disclosing it to you parents, one should always take their elder brother(s)/sister(s) into confidence (which is pretty easy). The chances that your parents will listen to them are increased exponentially if they are married and have kids. Another important thing is to include some close relatives (and daddy’s close friends). Indian relatives usually love to get involved. They’ll feel “respected” if you try to include them in your decision making process. They’ll fight tooth and nail with your parents..just beacuse you appraoched them first. Desi relatives just love this kind of attention. Mind you..if you parents pre-empt and talk to the relatives before you do, then those very people will try to convice you that your parents are “right”. If you know someone in your family who had a “love marraige”, then its a good idea to involve their parents. They’ll put forward a sane and logical argument on your behalf.
The main reason why desi parents object to love marriage is – “what will the society think/say” …log kya kahenge”. Their ego does play a part..but the main factor is still that of the society (relatives and friends).
You pre-emption will mellow down this fear in your parents’ mind.
Amardeep, you are “particularly curious about nutty things that happen to people because of the internet”, but you’ve missed what is happening under your very own fingertips!
For those of you who don’t know, brown_fob and I have had our marriage arranged, and last week we agreed to be wed in holy Mutinous matrimony. But look– nutty developments have been taking place:
bytewords wrote:
brown_fob responded:
bytewords replied:
sigh…So many shaadi proposals!!
Fellas, fellas, calm down! No need to duke it out on SM.
Bytewords, I am sorry, but my parents would prefer seeing me as a Queen rather than a half-naked masked dancer on a Carnival float. Sorry. But I wish you the best of luck. I am sure you will find that one ladkhi that you are longing for.
Now, brown_fob, listen up: it’s all nice and sweet, this talk about me being your “Taj Mahal” and whatnot, but what’s this?
Arre, yeh kya hai? How do you know these things? And what’s all this baqwaas about “time-tested methods for FOB’s”? How successful have you been, hm?
Furthermore, instead of playing Uncleji and passing out marriage “tips” to others, how about working on your, our, shaadi? Have you been taking care of the shaadi preparations? Or are you just sitting behind the computer all day, doing nothing?
This is where you were supposed to say, “Well, I am really in love with my Cheap Ass Desi, a beautiful desi ladkhi, mere sapno ki rani”.
I’ve been gone just two days, and look how you’ve been behaving. Don’t start disobeying me and acting up, brown_fob. If you do, I might just take up bytewords’ invitation. You don’t want me to start an Internet affair, do you?
CAD wrote:
Cheapo…this is what I expected…you’re a true “sati-savitri”.
I knew that the society will eventaully ask this question. I’m not the one who has tested these methods on my parents..my knowledge is based on 2nd hand information. Luckily my parents are quite “broad-minded” and they have no objection to OUR marriage. Looks like my “Indian man marries cobra” email to my dad did the trick.
You got me there. I’ll have to start off in right earnest. I’m open to public scrutiny now..and there’s an added threat from bytewords.
What’s an internet affair 😉 ??
Cheap Ass Desi is my sapno ki raani
Mochalatte Chiquitita
I hate to sound really brash, but since everyone else gently gave you advice (which was very thoughtful of them), I’ll permit myself to be blunt: dump him. Move on. You’ve been there patiently and lovingly for all these years, and he continues to be a wimp. Furthermore, while there’s absolutely nothing wrong with taking care of the famiglia and parents, he sounds like a creepy mummy’s boy. How old is he? 13? Either he takes his own ground by standing firmly next to you without disrespecting his mummy, or you just go. Bas. Khalaas.
You’re 26, you’re still young. You’ll be able to find somebody that truly appreciates who you are and all that you have to offer, and who gives you everything in return.
A lot. But I don’t do it deliberately– I am not really attracted to non-brownies in the first place. Secondly, “brown” for me isn’t limited to South Asians. My ex, for example, was Arab. I suppose “brown” means South Asian and Middle Eastern for me. In terms of a marital spouse, it would be nice to fall in love and settle down with a Desi.
Sleepy, Lurker, Gargi
Much compassion goes out to you all. I know where you are coming from. Lurker: as difficult as it is, DO NOT let your mother guilt trip you by telling you that she stayed with your father “just for you” so that you could have had a stable family, etc. I know it’s hard, since it’s your mother, but sever that thought from your head. Sleepy: you don’t owe your parents anything (in the sense that you were describing). See my posts # 142, 149.
Al Beruni:
Well, are all the college educated Desis in India choosing their own partners? Furthermore, I’d like to point out that just because one has crossed region/caste/religious lines doesn’t necessarily mean that it was a love marriage. For example, the marriage ads put out by both the seekers and parents where “caste no bar”, etc.
MC,
I am not really in the priviledged position of choosing between browns and goras.;) That, and I find most brown men I know to be far too traditional and ‘macho’. Additionally, most are Muslim, and I’d prefer not to date someone religious. Plus, goras are very tall and I like my tall men.;)
So, I tend to go for the white boys as opposed to brown.
I am not really in the priviledged position of choosing between browns and goras.;) That, and I find most brown men I know to be far too traditional and ‘macho’. Additionally, most are Muslim, and I’d prefer not to date someone religious. Plus, goras are very tall and I like my tall men.;) Most desis keep away from ABD girls coz very often these girls are misinformed and have a prejudice towards Indian men. Who would want to marry a girl who doesnt respect him or his heritage? On the other hand there are plenty of goris who dont care where you come from, how your accent is (infact the thicker the better).
Oh the irony of it all…
A question that seems to come up frequently is age. How old is too old. Being 32 I’ve dated accross the spectrum brown to beige….a common theme I see among our desi ‘lohke’ is a very age centric…almost obsessive age defined reality..ie ohmygod gotta finish grad school by 26, gotta make 6-figures$$, gotta please parents, arrgh! gotta get married….but ohhhhh that white girl is super cute or that gora sure is tall (shout out to meena!)….at my advanced age 🙂 I see 99% of the desi men or women I know as married (quite a few unhappily 🙁 ..And since most desi girls I know don’t generally date guys more that five years older that leaves me very little choice….makes me wonder if I should have been more serious about finding a long term partner in my early twenties…As far as the white girls…well they tend to get married more in their early to mid thirties…while desi girls who remain unmarried beyond 30 seem to me to be quite manic and desperate…even if they won’t admit it….full disclosure I feel a bit desperate at times so I’m not throwing stones at glass houses…
question: are the over 30 folks pretty much doomed in terms of finding meaningful desi love?
I am nearing 30 and have pretty much given up on finding a desi love coz I have bad past experiences and I seriously dont believe in blame the guy crap. We are all humans afterall.