I’m sure everyone is sick of reading “my parents want me to have an arranged marriage, and I’m like, totally annoyed and stuff” stories in the American papers. Officially I am annoyed by them too, though I actually find these stories curiously addictive even in their predictability — like bad pop songs on the radio, or celebrity gossip.
Sarita James has one of these pieces in the New York Times “matters of the heart” column from the Sunday Style section. Though she initially resisted her parents’ attempts to have her arranged off, at the merry old age of 19 she decided she liked a boy they had picked out for her (he was 26) and got engaged. Even at the time of the engagement, the boy’s family indicated that he still had to “see” two other girls, in order to avoid “formally offending” their families.
So he goes off to India, and doesn’t call for a week or two. Oh oh. The family soon finds out the boy got engaged to an engineer in Bangalore! And Sarita gets these emails:
Dear Sarita, I am so sorry for what happened. I wish I had gotten married to you. Matters were taken out of my control. I want to apologize profusely both to you and your family. Unfortunately, I can never explain what happened.
A second e-mail message, posted five minutes later, read:
Dear Sarita, I regret my indiscretion in that first e-mail. Could you please delete it? Please trust that my apologies are sincere. (link)
The snake! But the explanation is even worse than the content of those emails:
A few years later, I learned that a large dowry had been exchanged as part of his wedding. Most of it had been passed along to his sister’s bridegroom when she was married the same year. Not only had the suitable boy let me down, he had also perpetuated the injustices of the dowry system. (link)
So not only is the boy a flagrant yellow-bellied wus, he’s a sell-out to the dowry system. At the end of the article, Sarita indicates that she’s still single, and she’s not doing the arranged marriage thing anymore. Good for her; hope she never gets an email like that again.
Anyone out there have comparable war stories they want to share (anonymously, if you prefer)? I’m particularly curious about nutty things that happen to people because of the internet.
I am tired of reading these tired old Indian male-bashing stories that the media loves to publish. This one isn’t even mildly interesting. If I read the article correctly (and it was hard to get through so I might not have) she was only 19 at the time this all went down. 19. She should be singing this guys praises (he was 26 at the time) for leaving her.
Well that is what ms Sarita is saying. I keep a small bag of salt next to my web pc allways. Is she telling the truth or is she inventing something. the reason could be she gets a times article, or she get back at the guy for ignoring me or dumping me or just wanted to have a chat with her parents via proxy…
Ok. Boring. It’s always easy to blame the Indian dude by bashing him with the arranged-marriage-dowry thing. I have an Indian friend (a guy) who broke up with his european gf of several years, met an Indian girl and eventually married her. I was shocked to hear his ex spreading rumors that this was actually an arranged marriage with a lot of dowry involved, when I know for sure that’s not the case. After that I tend to be skeptical of these sorts of things. It just doesn’t sound right for the paper to get only one side of the story.
Besides the dowry bit though, modern Indian girls and their families can be equally harsh and brusque in their rejection of guys they don’t deem as appropriate. It is considered acceptable in the arranged marriage system, I guess, though I don’t know for sure. Only those guys’ stories don’t get told as chick-lit articles in mainstream newspapers.
Awww… I thought it was a well written piece. But it’s like Deep said, there’s something curiously addicitive about reading theses stories, as predictable as they may be.
I don’t think it was outright male-bashing, she did after all say he had hair like Superman…;-)
Hello young people of Indian origin raised in the US (I prefer not to use the term ABCD):
I am conducting an informal survey of your reactions, positive or negative, to this whole arranged marriage business. I am curious as to how a child born and raised in the US, whether in an Indian home or a Lithuanian or a Hispanic home, can accept something that does not exist in that person’s world outside of the four walls of the home. In other words, is it possible to accept something that is handed down by one’s parents if it is directly opposite of what exists in society? Of course, many parental dicates are not exactly in conflict with your world, but arranged marriage definitely is.
Please help out an old man by voicing your opinions on this rather puzzling subject.
Lemme clarify, I usually enjoy reading the ‘Modern Love’ column in NYT, but this particular one just did not stand up to my mark.
blah blah arranged marriage blah poor persecuted brown women with no agency blah. did i mention blah? i’ve already had one person forward me this article with the brief message, “this is so sad that it happens in this day and age” prefacing it. BLAH.
dowries blow ron jeremy but ain’t nothin’ wrong with arranged marriages, if both parties consent and neither is a douchebag. i’d totally have one. especially if they actually do ever find that elusive vestern-walued malayalee christian boy who is both taller (than me in heels) and has an extra degree (since i have two idiot aunts who are convinced that no marriage between a boy with a Bx and a girl with an Mx will ever succeed…much to my disgust).
BUT, i understood all too well what she described: that terribly icky “oh no! time is running out! if i hesitate now, they’ll all be gone!”-syndrome. it’s so lovely not being a “chicken curry” girl as maisnon and i like to put it. we stick to our guns…and remain single. either that or it’s the curse of the mutiny. 😉
The concept of arranged marriage (in India) has evolved over the times. These days, its more like a blind date..your parents “hook you up” with someone…give both of you ample time to know each other and make your decision. In most of the cases that I have heard, the parents had very little say (after the initial “screening process”).
Portals like shaadi.com are slowly evolving into dating service websites. Parents are becoming computer proficient..learning to match horoscopes on a computer..replying to emails, attaching biodatas and pictures. Soon you’ll find them on myspace 🙂
We should have an SM meetup and ask each other all the questions which annoy the hell out of us:
1) Where are you really from? 2) Are you married? How many issues? How much does he/do you make? 3) Not married? I have an aunt’s cousin whose son’s friend is about your age…
etc etc etc
I read somewhere that domestic violence in the US occurs more often than in many developing countries, even India…funny how that’s not nearly covered as often as these stories about men of color being brutes.
You know what would make my day? If I saw an article in the NY Times written by a white woman who openly talks about being physically abused by her white husband — then we can email it around to our white friends and say, “Isn’t it awful that this happens in the twenty-first century? It must be so hard for you, to grow up in a culture like that.” 🙂
Well lavanya, you missed Dr. phil’s primetime episode where he confronts the couple(white) where the husband abuses the wife……
Be informed…
I was actually thinking about having a spelling bee. No, really.
In response to the loud collective groan I’m hearing, what stood out to me in this piece isn’t the way Sarita had no agency. Rather, the guy she was engaged to seemed to have no control over his own life. As he put it, “I wish I had gotten married to you. Matters were taken out of my control.”
I guess I just find that a remarkable “indiscretion” on his part. It’s like he’s saying, “yeah, I ruined my life because my parents wanted the money.” It’s deeply sad, but the way Sarita tells it, the story has the ring of truth. It’s a variant of a very familiar story, but a slightly unusual variant. Only via email (the most cowardly of media!) does a guy that weak get up the courage to admit something like that.
Also, I wouldn’t call it male-bashing so much as “Indian family values bashing.”
Unclejee, I think Anna’s attitude is one that a lot of us share: there’s nothing wrong with arranged marriages (or “internet assisted marriages”) as long as they don’t conflict with one’s personal goals & sense of freedom.
Why is there no article about successful arranged marriages(millions of them)…….. But if just one incident (Mr amardeeps article) comes up its blown out of proportion……………..
Thousands of aircrafts fly each day…but you read about them in newspapers only when one of them crashes.
Anna, I’m curious. Why the term “chicken curry”?
My thoughts on this subject: I’m in my late 20s, just hanging out and doing things I like etc., and all around me I see this mad, frenzied obsession with dating and mating. There are some desi girls, ostensibly intelligent (Ivy-educated and in advanced degree programs etc.), with whom the conversation can NEVER go beyond guys and dating. I find myself VERY frustrated with this, and sometimes worried that I’m not frenzied about this myself. And having to explain/justify myself for JUST BEING! Anyway, its refreshing to see women (bloggers, discussants) on this forum who engage, inspire, and stand for SOMETHING.
What’s a chicken curry girl?
Also, this type of story doesn’t only happen to girls… I know an incredibly wonderful guy who was engaged. Just before the wedding the engagement was broken by the girl. However, he went on to marry an absolutely wonderful girl so it worked out in the end.
For years my mom tried the whole arranged marriage junta with me, ad nauseum. I say “my mom,” because when my father would approach on the subject it was at the behest of my mother, and always a halfhearted attempt at convincing me of something he himself didn’t believe.
It wasn’t smooth sailing, but a simple (and much repeated) “no,” or, “which part of ‘no’ don’t you understand?,” and sometimes even, “are you f’in nuts? No!” worked just fine.
More Brownies should try it.
It’s propably easier for boys/men to say no to a backwards and brain damaged cultural artifact because we’re expected to initiate. As it turned out I eloped, much to my mother’s frustration and benefit of my pocketbook. Two years later, she’s still hounding me for a wedding.
To which I say, “are you f’in crazy? No!”
“My friends keep asking me,” she’ll reply, as if it wasn’t her idea.
Apparently, the not unique to Brownies cycle of living for somebody else never ends. Too bad guilt is a weapon that loses its effectiveness over time.
I would call it convenient. One of my good friends broke up with his then gf over email and trust me, had they done it in person, I would have had to attend a funeral or two.
I wonder if someone has done anything similar using text messages…
Poor girl and poor guy also. He had to marry somebody for dowry which they had to use for his sister the same year If a country can invade another in this day and age, then why not arranged marriages.
and the concept of AM has evolved with whole “screening process” and letting the people decide for themselves.
I also wanted to dig deeper into divorces. Who has higher divorce rates – arranged marriage or love marriage?
“most marriages are the result of some kind of arrangement” [Link]
browdalicious: >>which part of ‘no’ don’t you understand?,” and sometimes even, “are you f’in nuts? No!”
If this is how you speak to the people who gave you birth and fed/housed you for decades, I shudder to think how you speak to others.
M. Nam
What’s striking is how young she was to be experiencing that — though I guess most people who experience the “time is running out” panic attack are often pretty young, even when they’re a lot older than her. That’s the the crazy thing about about that syndrome — it feels like a crisis, but then it can go on years and years, which should make one wonder how much of a crisis it actually was.
Amardeep:
Well..I’ve already found my match in Cheap Ass Desi.
Jeet — re: text msg breakups, see here. I think there was an NYT article last year in Sunday Styles as well, though I might be making that up.
To Mr. brown fob….
You really are something…….So if arranged marriages fail they should be in the headlines everyday… What a moron…..Comparing failed arranged marriages to plane crashes….
How about failed love marriages….
Jake nale me jake tu mu dhoke aaaa…..Ja Ja re Ja re Jare….jare..
Spoken like a master (guilt inducing) manipulator. You sound just like my Mom. Well done M. Nam.
So the boy marries some chic for more money — that’s okay. What’s so wrong with that? Let’s be honest wealth is one of the host of factors we look at when picking a life partner. Is it the end all be all — obviously not — but hells yeah it’s a factor. This boy could have weighed all the factors and the dowry made the girlie he chose to be more enticing. As long as money is not the sole reason you choose a mate — it’s all good. In my book that’s exactly what we do in States.
Also to ( I am sorry brown fob assumed you were mr.) To Mr/Mrs/Miss/Kumari/Kumar
Brown_fob
I don’t know any stats for the States but in Canada we have a growing problem with a sinister sub-type of arranged marriage, the “sham marriage“. Where a bride or groom of a different nationality marries a Canadian citizen for citizenship. Such marriages are, of course, illegal but our laws are pretty messed up when it comes to protecting the rights of those who have been conned into a sham marriage. Also, this type of arranged marriage is in no way specific to the South Asian-Canadian community.
catch22:
That was a ‘balanced’ response!
Exceptions often make the news…there’s little market for the ‘rule’.
get this song out of my head nowww!!!!!!!….damn you catch22..damn you
I agree that arranged marriages are fine as long as both parties (i.e. bride and groom) consent. My problem is that “consent” in our diaspora is all too often prompted by guilt, emotional blackmail and subtle coercion. One has to keep in mind that Indian-Americans adolescents (male and female) oscillate between the cloistered values of their parents and the total individuality of being an American. This oscillation makes it easier for parents, family members and friends create marital expectations over time, which, in retrospect or hindsight, might be totally unreasonable. Furthermore, the concerned “parties” all too often consist of both (eager) families, but neither the bride nor groom.
Finally, I think this is an important issue, indeed, central to the psychology of our transnational identities. Hardly passe or boring.
arranged_divorce, Precisely my problem with the notion of consent. But there’s an antidote for all the guilt, emotional blackmail, and varying shades of coercion. It’s called independent thought.
Works wonders.
TO Brown_fob…..
Ya right…..Exceptions like you…….
Only if you beleive that she is telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a hard time buying it as that.
Sorry Brown_fob
I did not mean “personally”
Take care….No abuses please….You are “Ek chatura naar”
I think the point in this story is really the guilt trip we get from our well-meaning parents. We may give in against our instincts, taking comfort in the fact that we are making the people we love so happy. It isn’t dire sacrifice, because you also trust everyone else’s promises that you will be deliriously happy if you agree to this particular match. Surely you’ve heard the “love will come after the marriage” line?
In many cases it all works out for the best. However, when it does turns out wrong, as in this case, you are overcome by a sense of loss and disappointment – loss of the pretty picture in your head, and of the trust that you had placed in your parents to steer you in this decision, or make it for you. At the tail end of it is also some level of disgust at the person who destroyed that ideal for you, although you’ll probably be grateful in the long run.
as in i love my kids
I can only provide my perspective growing up in the States — I second, Browndalicious
b/c independent thought does do wonders. If one is susceptible to such high levels of emotional blackmail — a therapist might be in desperate need. Nothing ticks me off more than friends who are freaking adults — done with school — making their own money — but are desperately afraid of letting their families know they have a boyfriend/girlfriend that they want to marry. It’s insane. You’re an adult!
Growing a spine helps.
the author, sarita james, is a friend of mine… and she’s gotten some weird emails after this story published… such as this which was forwarded to me ….YIKES! Craziness…And she is a freelance writer, and writing about her own experiences.. just because they don’t jive with your views, doesn’t mean you need to rip her apart…i thought it was very well written… and now she’s getting some pretty fun emails…damn they are simply entertaining…
My favorite quote from the psycho email:
The arranged marriage phenomenon is one that i have pondered for a while, given my recent completion of four years of university and an internship, which earned me the respect of the desi community back in a small town in the middle of a desert in the middle east. My reputation as a devious deliquent who brazenly cavorted young ‘misri’ women and barely passed his math exam in the 12th grade, changed to a boy who got his act together in the USA as a result of coming to terms with the enormous amounts of money his dad was paying for tution. When i went back to Qatar this summer i overhead my mom and dad talk about how relieved they were with and now all they had to do was pray i got a full time job and then get me married.
The marriage subject had never come up before and i was amused to overhear them. My sister (who decided to head east to the motherland for her higher education) told me how another ‘suitable’ boy of our community and a first cousin had almost broke ripped apart numerous family bonds by his desire to marry a girlfriend of his. The girl was a hindu and a malayali too but that didn’t matter. The fact of the matter was that the marriage was not “arranged”. My sister also confided that my Mom had been praying to the Gods TO MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD NEVER BE IN A RELATIONSHIP OF MY OWN CHOOSING. Given that Malayali men usually get married by the time they are 28 that would mean 7 years of celibacy for me if the enlightened ones decided to grant my mothers wishes. THis led me to question whether the failure of my last serious relationship was due to divine intervention. While discussing my cousins ‘love marriage’ per se with my parents i came to the conclusion that they would not feel comfortable at all with me choosing a bride and that they had to take control of it and this is a rather amusing trend .
My mother went as far as to give an example of an ideal boy one who obeyed his parents, got a full time job in the USA with a minimum starting salary of $50,000 and married according to his parents wishes. Witnessing my discomfort she told me not to worry with my Salary,status,height and looks i would be a ‘Golden Boy’ in the marriage market. I never felt so much empathy with a slab of beef in my life………
I think many Indian parents feel the need that marriage is the last aspect of their childrens life they have to control after friends and career. I wonder how this would play out in the near future.
Sarita’s article was not particularly well-written, but as Amardeep says, what stood out for me was that this man felt he had such little control over his life. It’s unbelievable that he even agreed to go back to “see” two girls for the sake of “formality”. If he had simply not bought that plane ticket to India, what could his parents have done? You can’t drag a person across the seas. Don’t take those calls, don’t get on that plane, run away and marry whoever you want, or don’t ever marry! Now I’m feeling positively giddy with the thought of thwarting all parental plans!!
browndalicious and ani are you both categorically opposed to arranged marriages? While there are problems with arranged marriages, I definitely don’t think that everyone who has gotten an arranged marriage has been emotionally blackmailed or forced into their decision. It seems as though you are both saying that if you get an arranged marriage you aren’t thinking independently?
I apologize if I’m reading your comments incorrectly
why does every one also think that all desi parents got hitched via grandparents. looking at my uncles and aunts(this includes the descendents of my grandparents siblings and cousins) ~3/4th of them chose their own mates… The only ‘pressure’ for all of them had been to get hitched before 28 or so… But was that a family pressure or social pressure.
this comment REALLY bothered me:
give me a break! just because two people can figure out how to reproduce and get stuck with the responsibility of raising a child, it doesn’t earn them the right to be respected. if the rubric for good parenting is giving birth to, feeding and housing offspring, then our expectations are too low because the last time i checked, those things weren’t enough to give a child the best chance of being a well-adjusted and contributing member of society. in my opinion, parents need to respect their children’s opinions on things once they reach a certain age, whether it be the late teenage years or earlier, but no later than when they start living on their own.
i’m tired of reading all these stories about how arranged marriage was forced on these twentysomething desis. i’m with Browndalicious, you have to find some guts to stand up for what you want. after all, it’s YOU and YOUR life that has to deal with this decision, which will likely outlast your parents. the best parents will probably give somewhat of a fight but then relent, recognizing that the decision isn’t easy for you and you’re clearly committed to doing what’s in your best interest, not just rebelling against your culture. decent parents will fight it for a long time, threaten you with a wide variety of things (like yanking college tuition like mine did), but they will eventually come around, especially after they meet someone that YOU picked out and gain some confidence that you might actually be able to figure out who is compatible with you. the worst parents will give you an ultimatum and never budge from it. at that point, i feel like you have to decide if you’re living for their past or if you’re living for your future. if you want to have someone else to blame for everything that goes wrong if your life, relent to their ultimatum. if you want to take ownership and responsibility for your life, choose living for the future.
personally, i’m taking responsibility and ownership and doing what’s in the best interest for my future. after two years dating a non-desi girl, my parents finally realized i was serious. now four-plus years into the relationship, they’re supportive and we can all sit around a table and enjoy a meal together. it wasn’t easy but it was worth it either way it turned out.
I’m not opposed to arranged marriages as long as the decision is made wholly by the potential bride/groom. If it is something that one feels pressured into doing (aka emotional blackmail) then I’m vehemently opposed to it.
I do think that arranged marriages do work for certain people, which is fantastic. But if it doesnÂ’t jive for you and youÂ’re doing it to please your familyÂ… IÂ’m not down with it.
Free choice baby.
The “He/she is my friend” rebuttal will be considered an effective comeback when Tom Cruise starts shilling for Prozac. Though Sarita is probably quite nice, that doesn’t mean we have to love her article, which was nothing spectacular, in many of our estimations.
Who is ripping her apart? And why are you so exercised about it? I’m sure that if she’s published and receiving emails from the mentally ill, she’s reconciled herself with the inevitability of criticism. You should do the same.
absolutgcs, my thoughts exactly!
well we will rip her apart and you can piece her back together. You found it funny i found it trite perhaps flicked from kiss-kiss-pyar-vaar soaps from z/sony. Just cause your views did jive with her and you are her friend doesent mean that every one here is the indian crab from a while ago.