After ManishÂ’s departure, the bunker basement has been full of weeping, moaning, mewling sounds. A pouting face appears around every corner as inhabitants go through their stages of loss. The monkeys, they loved him so.
Rajni, my roommate, has turned into an insomniac. Baboon Scotty smashes one bottle of Jager an hour against the common room wall. Yazad, the Mountain Gorilla, shaved off all his fur and is running around naked and morose after declaring that hair is the sole cause of all strife. Rochelle, the Orangutan who used to leave anonymous love notes in ManishÂ’s mail box, read something about marriage in the comments and is now wandering the halls with a broken keyboard, yelling, “IÂ’ll CUT that wench!” Bonobos Rohan and Junaid finished two bottles of kaju feni and are starting to reek like rotting garbage. Kinjal, a wee Spider Monkey, is lying face down on my hammock, simply butchering “Bucky Done Gone” in her screechy voice, on repeat. And the worst reaction of them all comes from Mithun the Rhesus Macaque, sweet Mithun, he ripped his red sequined jumpsuit to shreds and has sworn off dancing forever!
In my life, I have encountered a fair bit of human sadness but this is too much to bear. Oh lordy, I am weaker than ever in the face of monkey melancholy. Wanting to help my new friends, I decided to buck up and enlist the help of Dino, a wise Chimpanzee and a distant relation of Nim Chimpsky. We rigged massive sets of speakers in every room and are hoping to produce enough sound to blow the roof off this sucka depression. Manish should be thought of with coy smiles and appreciative laughter only, no? Our plan is simple. Choose one tune that is so bloody sad it makes grown adults cry on a good day and play it nonstop at a very high volume for five hours straight. We call it, “Operation: Tough Love”.According to our plan, the monkeys will be forced to listen to the tune and when they do they will identify with the sadness present in song and will cry their eyeballs out. Though I am horrified at the thought of crying monkeys, I know that this is for the best. After about two hours, they will be all cried out (we hope) and will have no choice but to keep listening to the extremely loud music. Their initial relationship with the lyrics and melody will change into something resembling annoyance. Repetition is bound to have that effect.
By four hours of listening, the monkeys will be downright angry. The need to injure physically either Dino or myself will have replaced any lingering heart wrenching sadness. At this point, I will put on my monkey suit and pretend to be furious. Finally, by the fifth hour, everyone will be so tried of crying, being angry, and most importantly, of being sad that they will treat their return to normal existence with a newfound peace of mind. Amen.
What song are we choosing for this therapy, you ask? It is a Smiths tune but of course. And not just any olÂ’ Smiths tune but THE saddest Smiths tune. And not just any original that we have heard a thousand times before but an acoustic cover. And not just a regular cover sung by an unworthy and untrained voice but one that has been sung by multi-talented singer/musician, Arif Husain, who just happens to be desi. Yes, you read me right. I usually gag a little at the thought of Smiths covers and as I read the words “There is a light” on his My Space page I admit my hopes were not high. But. I was in for a surprise and you are too, so go check the tune out at his page or if you would rather have an MPFree then head over to his website, which offers a few of his covers as well as some original compositions.
Arif has (a perfect resume) wonderful control over his tranquil voice and pretty much kills any attempts at poo-pooing with Morrissey comparisons. This is what it means when Paula Abdul drunkenly yells, “You made it your own!” hiccup Some other interesting bits about our independent variable include an M.I.T. degree in Cognitive Sciences (Arey va, wot a nice boy :-), extensive research activity in cognitive and brain sciences, and a blog.
Our selection has been made. All doors have been locked. Wish us well, friends, time to press play in 5…4…3…2…This one’s for you, Manish.
Been there, done that: UC Davis ’98. Obviously it wasn’t for Manish, but I did rewrite “wannabe” something hilarious AND we were the Masala Ladkis.
Anna:
Exactly– “Obviously it wasn’t for Manish”!! This is why we must do it!
Not to be mean or anything, but this ain’t no UC Davis. This is SM, and we should give Manish one spanking farewell that he will never forget. It’ll be great. Plus, I’m sure that the Masala Girls will provide Manish with a yardstick to measure future loves. Either way, it’s a win-win situation!
Can I be “Cheap Ass Masala Girl”?
Manish,
Re: CAD’s post #52
Have you seen that episode of Two and a Half Men where Charlie Sheen gets invited to that witches’ coven party by his Satanist girlfriend ? If you have, then I’m sure you’ll remember exactly what happened to him at the party and the effect it had on his health afterwards.
That’s all I’m going to say 😉
Future?
Is that where the ‘Half Men’ comes in? 😉
Manish,
Probably not, unless you’re planning to take your 11-year-old nephew along 😉
My example involves blacking out completely, getting ravaged by over a dozen very hot (albeit Satan-worshipping) women simultaneously, and then looking spookily like one of the Undead when you finally regain consciousness about 15 hours later…..
Assuming that’s not just a normal Saturday night at the SM bunker, of course.
Woah woah woah, Masala Ladkis are making me happy. Can’t stop thinking of dance steps. Instead of Spice Girls can we go deeper 80s to Stacey Q, specifically “Two of Hearts”?
I..I..I..I..I..I need, I need you I..I..I..I..I..I need, I need you I..I..I..I..I..I need, I need you
Two of hearts, two hearts that beat as one Two of hearts, I need you, I need you Two of hears, two hearts that beat as one Two of hearts, come on, come on
CAD, thanks bunches for the invite, I’ll hop on my canoe on July 1st and we’ll see how far I get. The madness that is Canada Day might come in the way of us being together my lowe.
Duran Duran RULES.
Manish:
I take it that you are looking forward to the Masala girls’ debut!! Are you excited?
Neha:
No problem. The pleasure, the privilege is mine. But you didn’t say anything about the Patel Rap CD. Now, are you going to buy it for me, or what?
Oh god. In that case, New Order rules.
DEPECHE MODE RULES.
–Cheap Ass Masala Girl
CAD,
It appears that your diabolical plan to sacrifice Manish on the Altar of Darkness is working. Then again, when you take the virgin to the volcano, you don’t tell her you’re gonna push her in*…..
I can hear the SM witches cackling all the way across the Atlantic.
*Okay, I admit it, that was another quote from Two and a Half Men.
Jai:
Looks like someone is following in Kaavya’s footsteps!!
CAD,
Only if Charlie Sheen decides to sue me for inadvertantly giving his show free publicity on a global desi discussion forum 😉
…..The latter, of course, is something I have no problem doing. Two and a Half Men is a fantastic show, one of my favourite TV programmes, and everyone should watch it.
I could cheerfully quote snappy one-liners by Charlie Sheen’s character all day 😉
This ain’t no UCD, indeed. Let me guess…you wanted to drop the H-bomb or similar, didn’t you? Anyway, it’s a little late to spank someone goodbye. Manish has left the bunker.
The connection between wanting to drop the “H-Bomb” or similar and this not being UCD is beyond me.
Someone’s trying to troll.
You are persistant! Fine, the cursed thing shall be yours! Don’t tell me I didn’t warn you when your ears start to bleed 🙂
Neha:
The only reason why I want this CD so much is that if one day I get my shaadi done, I am going to play it at the wedding ceremony in honor of my roots.
I doubt that it could make my ears bleed. I’m Gujurati yaar, and to hear Patel Rap will make me stand tall with pride, move me to tears and make me gulp back all this emotion welling up in my throat…. We’ve come such a long way since Gandhi…
Neha:
Another reason why I want you to buy me this CD is because I don’t want to spend the money to buy it myself.
Jai, You’re so sensitive and progressive..could you be the Punjabi Morrisey?
People, While I enjoy me some Morrisey, let’s not forgot his schtick, his longings for a white working-class England, this is the man who wrote to Pakis, “life is hard enough when you belong here, his ode to Bongs in Platforms but thankfully he got love for American black lesbians.
Krazy Ass Desi,
Highly unlikely in all aspects. Trust me.
Thanks for listening to my recordings. I’m immersed in Hindustani classical music these days, but I’m glad my other stuff still has shelf life. I should credit Chris Linnane for his brilliant cover which motivated my Smiths track. I really covered his cover. I appreciate the comments. Please be prepared to send me money one day when I ask you for it. All the best!