Last week, I took a train from North Podunksburg (where I live and work) to Metropolis (the nearest large conurbation) to attend several days of business meetings there. I was riding with some of my colleagues, and after the conversation had died down and people were looking out the windows, I turned on my mp3 player and zoned out.
You know that moment when you wake from a reverie and you remember where you are, when you realize that you are in one place and not in another? Well, I had a post 9/11 moment, a quick reminder that I wear a turban, “sport” a beard, am graced by almond skin … and that these things mean something different now than they once used to.
I was humming along under my breath, then mouthing the lyrics, then singing along quietly. A Billy Bragg song was on, and these were the words I heard in my ears:
Revenge will bring cold comfort in this darkest hour
As the juke box says ‘It’s All Over Now’
And he stands and he screams
What have I done wrong
I’ve fallen in love with a little time bomb [Link] [Audio: wmv, real]
I had sung, softly and under my breath, but perhaps audible “I’ve fallen in love with a little …” and then I tried hard to swallow the next few words, but I ended up mouthing “… time bomb.” It was my own personal Clash moment, except that the song I was singing had lyrics far worse than “…war is declared and battle come down…”
You see, I don’t give people an excuse. I don’t say “that play bombed” or “she was so bombed the other day” or “that was an explosive allegation” or “he completely hijacked that meeting.” I don’t use such words in public where they might be overheard and misunderstood by others. I don’t speak to my parents in Punjabi on the phone while I’m at an airport. I call or send text messages to my friends “Patriot Act Check-ins” at each leg of my flight schedule to avoid the possibility that I might ever ever be detained incommunicado somewhere by some official who didn’t “like the way I looked.” But that day, seduced by the false feeling of privacy that comes when you’ve got those little white earbuds in and your own music rocking around you … that day, I forgot. And I’m not allowed to forget because, in many ways, the terrorists have won. This is not the country that I was born into, and I can only pray that one day, it will be again.
Look, I’m not crying boo hoo hoo over my inability to sing the lyrics I want. Big deal, right? I mean, it’s inconsiderate to sing along while on a public carriage. No, this is just about the little reminders you get, like the whiff of an exes perfume, of what you’ve lost. And some days I really miss America.
UPDATE: Play along at home or at work! Click this link and tell me that the song isn’t catchy, even if you don’t like Billy Bragg …
Also, here’s a desi connection to Billy Bragg – he got his big break by using desi food to get air-play:
The album was widely received as a demonstration of a promising new talent. Hearing DJ John Peel mention on-air that he was hungry, Bragg rushed to the BBC with a mushroom biryani, and was rewarded when Peel played a track from Life’s a Riot, albeit at the wrong speed. Peel insisted he would have played the tape even without the biryani and later played it at the correct speed. [Link]
Blame it on Bin Laden.
That was poetic E.
Sadly, it takes more than one man (or 20) to tear down 200 years of civil liberties.
I suppose I remain hopefull, ennis – defiantly speaking to my parents in Bengali, and speaking of bombing a presentation or exam…
…but you know what – I get pretty upset when my dad and brother don’t check in when I expect during their plane trips.
No, this is just about the little reminders you get, like the whiff of an exesÂ’ perfume, of what youÂ’ve lost. And some days I really miss America.
sigh yes.
Ennis
America is a work in constant progress – there has always been dissonance between the ideals and the reality – that is the story of African Americans and others. The job of people like you and me is to make sure we keep America close to her soul and ideals.
Aww Ennis, what a heartbreaking post – I’v still got goosebumps.
It’s funny living just on the other side of the border with this immensly powerful nation of yours, one with the kind of ferment and repression that I hope to never know. The fear and the anger that I hear about and the stories I read sadden me beyond words. And make me count my blessings that my parents decided to immigrate here instead of there.
When you live in the “freest nation on earth” and Billy Bragg’s too much of a threat and you’re afraid of being disappeared for what you wear and the colour of your skin (I’m still reeling from your the “Patriot Act Checkins”) when speaking in your own language is something that you’re afraid the government might get you for – WHAT THE HELL. I have to commend you on your ability to keep on keepin’ on and to be able to voice these dark shadows that seem to be everywhere – I think it’s important to be sad and angry and most importantly, vocal. I’m sorry this isn’t more articulate but it’s such an emotional post and I’m having a totally emotional reaction to it. And I hope one day – for all our sakes – that your country regains its (troubled) sanity.
Maybe it’s just because I’ve had a long week, but I do not see how this merits the “woe is me” attitude. As far as limitations on language go, where have you been? You could not say “bomb” on an airplane back in the 90’s. (Remember the scene in “Meet the Parents” where Ben Stiller gets tossed off an airplane?) After Oklahoma City, even mild criticism of the federal government has to be preceded with a disclaimer that you did not have a garage filled with fertilzer and a Ryder truck.
I do not hesitate to speak Bengali on a cellphone or in public with family – I’ve never had any one give me grief for it or even toss me a curious glance.
Ennis, thank you so much for your awesome post. Many of us have had similar moments of dissonance and IÂ’m really glad you wrote about this, because these are the stories that donÂ’t go in statistics, donÂ’t go in police reports, donÂ’t go in newspapers, but so dramatically and drastically affect the way that so many of us (now more than ever) live our lives in the United States. The things we say, donÂ’t say, or canÂ’t say; the things we do, donÂ’t do, or canÂ’t do.
The one that always gets me is when on seemingly random (perhaps there is some logic that I donÂ’t understand) days there will be uniformed men (always men) posted at train stations, airports, subway stations holding guns that seem longer than I am tall. Their fingers are always poised right on the trigger as their eyes bore into me. “Is he a threat, is he not a threat? Is he a Muslim? Why does he wear what he wears? Why is he looking away? Why is he looking at me?” I try to keep telling myself I havenÂ’t done anything wrong, IÂ’m not going to do anything, IÂ’m just minding my own business, going to work like anyone else, going home like anyone else. But, as they say, that shit donÂ’t mean nothin’ when youÂ’re staring down the barrel of a gun.
“We’re going to get it together right?”
Yes we are. This is our country, and we’re going to make it better, in all our myriad knuckleheaded ways.
I loved this post. Very measured, and honest. It says something beautiful about one person doing their own thing in this complicated time and place.
I sincerely hope you don’t get any dumb comments in response to this.
Ennis – I have such a fondness for Worker’s Playtime – I used to listen to it incessantly in college. Funny, that song was running through my head the other day…
Your experiences differ from mine, according to our past ‘conversations’, desi with short-short hair and super midwestern accented gal that I am. My heart breaks when I think about how you have felt threatened. Ennis, dear Ennis! How could anyone threaten you, my blog-friend?
I do miss a certain feel of pre- 9-11 America – I’m furious that murderers purposely targeted civilians and that the public square doesn’t feel the same anymore. Sometimes, riding the subway, I think thoughts that I never had before. That package sitting unattended, that wierd guy muttering in the corner, what is that noise? What the heck is that rattling noise? Actually, those feelings have faded with time, but it’s still there, under the surface. Such bastards, those murderers. Such complete and utter bastards (will that language get me bleeped? Can I have a little leeway just this once – I’m usually so good on this site.)
Brownfrown, you said it perfectly. Thanks for this, Ennis. It’s good to be reminded.
Oh, and to add to KXB, as long as we are into the anecdotes I asked my father who travels a lot, used to have a very heavy dark, long beard, and an accent, if he has any problems traveling. I really wanted to know because of your experiences, but he said no and sounded surprised. Sorry, Ennis, I just feel I have to add that. He sounded really surprised that I would even ask him.
Do you wear a turban?
I live in NYC and have not personally experienced even one negative incident post-911, this does not make me disbelieve my mother’s story of some douchebags screaming ‘Go back to your country’ at her at the grocery store parking lot. She don’t look so Mediterranean no more. Nowwhatimean?
sirc – it’s the turban, I think, that is the salient feature. But, I also think that some people go out of their way to assume that everyone will be treated the same and that one anecdote represents the whole. Ennis has one experience, I have one, my father another. What is the truth? It’s all three. And then we break it down. One – American raised desi in western clothers. Indian raised man with heavy beard – two. Man in turban – three. I’d be nervous if I wore a turban, too. It would be interesting to survey a large group of Sikhs in the US – from all strata and political groups. How does your experience go?
Before, there were curious eyes, and now its just ignorance (hatred). there are abundant moments in a day that remind me of where and what I am
word
Sirc,
No, I do not wear a turban, and I will admit that probably affect my viewpoint, but most Indian Americans in the U.S. do not wear turbans. But if I’m on an L platform, talking to relatives in Bengali, no one is going to confuse that for Spanish. If anything, I am then approached by other brown folks asking what part of India my family is from.
I can understand where postings like Ennis come from – but to draw that personal experience to a whole nation is faulty. Consider that this coming Monday, hundreds of thousands of Latinos will be engaging in rallies, expressing their desire to stay and work to become Americans – this can’t be as bad a country as its detractors claim.
in the heat of the moment, i didnt even type my name right…sheesh
MD- You just echoed my point. Why would we all have anthing but varied experiencs? I’m not a Sikh, I was just pointing out to KXB, you don’t belittle someone’s experience because it’s not your own.
actually, sirc, I should have pointed my comment to brownfrown. 🙂 When I was growing up I heard how horribly canadian desis were treated, and to this day, despite having relatives in Toronto, my parents general feeling is that the US treats desis better than canada. Okay, I don’t want to start a canadian versus american desi flame war, it’s just that I find the attitude of your comment incredibly irritating. I love America and I’m glad I live here. I don’t feel that I live in a repressive state, sorry, I am happy and successful and well-treated. I don’t need your sympathy for being a brown american.
Thanks Ennis, for the post.
The days immediately following 9/11 were tough for even women with brown or olive complexions, and even if you lived in Canada. It suddenly became okay to target minorities – it was the PERFECT opportunity to practise racism without anyone doing anything, and sometimes with a stamp of approval.
A few days after 9/11, my oft mistaken for middle-eastern sister, was waiting at the bus stop (a bus she took every day to go to school) one morning. The bus driver stared her square in the eye and passed her by. My point is if two people in my immediate family have been affected, and those two people are women living in Canada, I can’t even begin to imagine what brown men in the U.S. have to go through. It’s bad enough for most browns, and it’s gotta be 10x worse for those who are muslim and wear the traditional hijab and other clothing, as well as sikh men. Still worse for those in service positions – most of us on this forum have cushy jobs in universities and hospitals and downtown offices – and are thus protected from alot of the ignorance. You probably don’t even hear half the incidents.
And don’t know if you guys heard this story – but a Torontonian woman of indian origin, who was wearing a sari, along with her young son, was denied access to a bus the days following 9/11, while the passengers cheered the driver on – ethnic slurs and possible physical violence were mentioned as well. My sister told me about the story – it was in the globe and mail, sept or october ’01… I’ll try to find it. I can’t believe this would happen in Toronto of all places – Toronto has a huge South Asian population, and really, you’d expect people to be less ignorant.
Hmm. I was afraid I was going to get that. I’m not trying to be sanctimonious. There are race issues here like there are in the States. It’s not a perfect country, but this post would never be a reality in Canada. At least not currently. And I was responding to it – not to you and your clear love of your country.
Of course you’re allowed to love whatever it is you want to. And if you don’t find the States repressive – that’s fine, that’s your experience. Would I ever want to live there? Not particularily. Does everyone share your sentiment of
probably not. Don’t worry, you don’t have my sympathies at all.
I just want people to try to think outside of our cushy, educated, successful 2nd gen experiences. That’s all. Try to empathize with the shit that people, often 1st gen or recent immigrants, have to go through.
Aren’t you very fair though MD? My memory is fallible. But what we regard as an arbitrary difference in our melanin can make all the difference. We (hopefully) think we’re all Indian, but a racist may look at a fair-skinned Indian and say nothing, then see someone darker and call them a sand nigger paki coon fuck. Etc.
I hear you Ennis. Maybe its because we believed in this country and what it stood for, as Sikhs there was always the sense that, you do things right here and you’ll be given a fair shake in the end. Before recent events, there was a sense that you could go pretty much anywhere in the country and sooner or later you could earn people’s respect, even if you had a turban. I’m sure there’s different reactions based somewhat on community. I wouldn’t be trying to compare sob stories by ethnicity or religion….but sometimes I think for Sikhs the dream kind of died a little bit. and it was a pretty good dream. There’s a bit of of over-statement, but this country and its ideals were a place Sikhs felt at home, and that’s just kind of a little bit gone.
BTW I love Alt Country music too
That could make a difference, but my sis is pretty light-skinned and she was targetted. It all depends on the “targetters” pereception of what middle-easterners look like, I guess.
ang, it may be the story of the woman wearing a hijab – she had a bus transfer that the driver would not accept – saying it was expired (can give the benefit of the doubt either way) – the galling thing was a passenger got up started mouthing of at the woman, punched her in the face – and ran out.
here’s something from a past posting of possible interest.
on another note, another old posting on speaking brown in a hotel lobby.
and yet another old posting about traveling with a beard. i have half a mind to pull out a curling iron and use it on my sidelocks – betcha a loonie it’d really confuse some folks.
as ringo would say, give me back the beat and let’s rock on.
brownfrown – how do you know the topic of this post could never be a reality in Canada? What if a 9-11 like event happened in Canada? Are you so sure that things are more open and less repressive? Sorry, I know it seems like I’m attacking you, and I don’t mean to. your response to ennis was touching and kind, it’s just that, honestly. You make it sound like North Korea down here. It’s not. If it’s so horrible, why are more Canadians moving to the US than the other way around? Why?
Thanks for corroborating and correcting the bus story. I think that’s the one – I remember she was punched in the face.
MD:
Read my first comment on this posting.
Also, yes, there are some Canucks moving south for the money, not the lifestyle. I wouldn’t equate money with happiness. That’s why.
Oh lord, I really should think before I post. BB: that was the point to my first comment: it’s the turban. But some people take that experience and extrapolate to all browns and all of America. That’s not fair. brownfrown: yikes, how many times can I say sorry 🙂 Sorry, sorry, sorry 🙂 Maybe I should go get some coffee and chill a little, I can see you didn’t mean anything by your comment. I guess it’s just that if you spend enough time on SM you get tired of the constant slagging-off of some ‘mericans. Did I do that slang right, BB?
MD – check your eyes, girl. I don’t think you even know who or what you’re responding to anymore! 😉
thanks metric, embarrassingly I didn’t read your comment. Oops. Can I say sorry again brownfrown?
Ugh. Off for coffee.
Oh, and Ennis? We all still love you here in blogland! I’m sorry you had that experience.
And before I head out – just wanted to add something else as MD’s comment struck a chord. I too have never really been targetted by anyone (except the police!) I can’t recall ever having been victim to a racist insult. So I’m like you MD. In fact I would wager that most people would agree South Asians probably receive less abuse in the UK. However, I differ from your final conclusion.
I am well-treated, but I know that plenty aren’t. Hence I do think things have got ample room for improvement.
Exactly.
okay, lied about the coffee. Bong Breaker, I think we are all talking past each other. I specifically stated that the truth is complicated in my first few comments and that anecdotes don’t tell the whole story. Is Ennis’s experience more emblematic of the US or is mine? Or, are they all part of the whole.
I am sorry the dream died for some Sikhs in the US. Some of you were cultural collateral and it’s unfair. Deeply unfair.
Are the Punjabi girls in Vancouver really all that? Or is it hype? Discuss.
Now if only we could arrest everyone who did that….
where’s PaJamaFan when we need him?
but back on topic… the topic in discussion is…
They’re moving down there ’cause y’all make more money, it’s a fact.
And oh god do I not want to get into this but come on – September 11th has a lot to do with the country that was attacked. Canada just does not feature the same way in global politics and doesn’t have quite the same relationship with Saudi royal families, Isreal, imperialism and oil. I’m not going to say a word on what I think of any of those things – I’m just saying for better or worse, the two countries work on entirely different social and political visions. We’re not the hegemonic superpower and we don’t have the same hegemonic superpower issues – abroad or at home.
Of course, as metric has pointed out, there’s horribly racist stuff that happens in Canada too. However, I don’t think anyone is afraid to enter airports becuase they’re brown (unless it’s to or through the States – and then we really do start to freak a bit) and I’ve never heard of anyone have to text home periodically to let them their loved ones know they’re still free and not rotting in jail without any outside contact or a trial for months. So saying, indefinite detentions do happen in Canada – however, what’s missing is the widespread fear amongst the brown community that it could be one of them at any time, which is what this post, and the post about the Clash song seems to point to.
So while I understand why someone commenting who doesn’t even live in your country and doesn’t have the sentimental ties to it that you do, may be irratating, I have this to say: 1. That’s the point of a blog like this. We all sit here and wax long and hard about all kinds of brown issues and this is no different. 2. While your experience seems to have been a good one – and I’m glad that it is – you can’t deny that there is a systemic and institutionalised prejudice in the states against people who “look like terrorists” because the “terrorists stole our/your freedom”. And when those people happen to look like our fathers and brothers, that makes me mad. 3. I like Billy Bragg and would be really really sad not to be able to sing along to the lyrics for fear of having security called on me as a possible seditious threat.
nah i don’t think cultural collateral is what it is. things are a little rough right now, but I think it will get better. they already have actually
haha b/c it took me so long to hit post on that goddamn long ramble – MD my last comment comes way after this thread has moved on already. And don’t appologise anymore – we’re allowed to disagree about this stuff and not feel badly for it.
ok… this is horribly off-topic – but couldnt help add that toronto airport would shut down if they got nasty on bearded people with turbans. and there’re some mighty fine she-sikhnis there .. frisk me, frisk me… !! ooo.. aa… thand pai gaee um.. ‘scuse 🙂
hush, hush, keep it down now…
Lol – that’s true. I’d say 70% of the people at the TO airport are brown. I love the TO airport.
laughing uncontrollably
When I’m with a group of people I know, I usually avoid talking in Hindi (on phone or otherwise) . I don’t give a damn when I’m with total strangers (train, airport etc). offtopic: I’ve been in US for 5 years now…find it funny when some people ask me – How do you Indians speak “so good” English ? My usual answer is that we had English in school..they same way as they did. The replies that I get are usually to the effect – “but I can’t speak french/spanish/german ..which was my 2nd language in school”. People somehow fail to grasp the fact that we too had proper English instruction. We also had Shakespearean dramas in class 9th-12th, and had fair share of tennyson, frost and gb shaw in our textbooks. English was not a second language for most of us..it was the “medium of instruction”. The only class during which our teacher spoke Hindi was the Hindi class.
I’ve been told numerous times by my (american) professors here that most of the Indians speak (and write) better English than “american undergrads” (in engineering).
Two of my uncles in California wear turbans and I have heard them speak punjabi in public all including the San Fran airport and at Disneyland. And nobody freaked out.
I’m sorry about what Ennis is going through. But being Canadian and having spent alot of time in the U.S after 9/11 I have not had there problems. I guess the fact that I’m non-religous sikh, who don’t wear a turban has alot to do with it.
As for post 35 and 37, yes those girls are all hype.
The British crew here might want to discuss their experiences post the London bombing last year – I know for a fact that all brown skin men were nervous, jumpy and felt accused in the aftermath – I know I did. You had to have been there to understand it in the month after the Underground suicide bombings – not just Indians, Pakistanis, Bengalis, but mixed race, Greek, Turkish – everyone faintly cocoa colored was stared at and under suspicion, especially after the Brazilian was shot dead for running to catch his train. And that does not feel good and is not healthy. One other thing – a lot of Hindus who for ages sneered at the victimisation that Muslims felt and came out with the usual right wing baloney that they brought it on themselves, or ignored what Sikhs occasionally underwent, all of a sudden realised what the hell it felt like to be under gaze and accused and actually started to develop some empathy.
As for September 11th, two days afterwards on the way home on the bus in Camden Town I was shouted and screamed at, and I am a clean shaven, groomed Hindu Punjabi wearing a pin stripe suite working at a law firm. All the Bangladeshi men in my area were keeping their heads down low around then. Quite something to be at the end of a hateful rage for something you did not do – and those people who are lucky enough or cosseted and protected enough never to be on the end of a verbal or physical attack like that with all the vulnerability you feel, shouldnt extrapolate themselves that it is not a problem or shouldnt be worried about.
The tension in the air in London was palpable. The vulnerability you feel, especially away from the more cosmopolitan urban centres, can be bad sometimes.
Having spent more time on Friendster than I care to admit, I too will agree that Canadian Punjabans are hype. And California ones too.
I thought it would be easier for people (atleast newyorkers) to know about sikhs. I assumed this as sikhs are everywhere in nyc. But after 9/11, the ignorance was so overwhelming. But as a proud sikh, i love to explain to people who have the decency of asking without assuming.